50 Funniest Short Job Descriptions Ever

Over on the Dilbert Blog, Scott Adams gave his readers an assignment: describe your own job in one sentence, preferably in a humorously derogatory way. Here are the best replies from among the hundreds, with the top 10 at the end. My Job Is To
1. Read things that dont matter, then write papers saying they do matter, for points that dont matter, in order to get a job doing something totally unrelated: Student 2. Take numbers on pieces of paper, rearrange them and put them on different pieces of paper: Tax Accountant 3. Explain big words to sales people and then cower before customers while trying to convince them that the sales people really didnt say what the customers understood: Customer Solutions Engineer 4. Learn laws created ages ago so that I can tell engineers why Im smarter than they are while complaining how its a travesty that they get paid more: Physics major 5. Show you innovative ways to burn money in the spirit of patriotism: Fireworks Stand Manager 6. Help people lie consistently to their bosses: Business Intelligence Consultant 7. Teach your kids enough to complain but not enough to make a difference: College Teacher 8. Pass poisonous gas on command: Research Assistant in solid state ammonia storage 9. Make people who are already filthy rich somewhat richer by duping poor people into buying stuff they dont need: Corporate Software Engineer 10. Find as many synonyms for explosion as possible: Novelist for Teenage Boys 11. Supervise the guys and gals who try to protect the good people from the bad, only to be hated by the good people AND the bad: Police Sergeant 12. Make corporate propaganda feel like folksy truthisms: TV Ad Director 13. Manage waste recycling, promotion & sales: Antiques Dealer 14. Arrive after the battle and bayonet all the wounded: Auditor 15. Sell gas: Energy and Telecom Business Analyst 16. Tell forty year-old men its okay to behave like fourteen year-old school girls: Printing Press Production Coordinator 17. Provide arcane information on a need-to-know basis: Chief Accountant 18. Shepherd clients through the process of setting their products on fire: Consumer Products Tester 19. Manage urban renewal and pest control: B-52 Bomber pilot 20. Persuade kids that its really fun being wet, cold and scared out of their minds: Sailing Instructor 21. Draw up plans for something that will not be built according to those plans: Civil Engineer, Transportation Design 22. Teach kids to be evilor so they say: Video Game Creator 23. Ensure that stupid people stay in the gene pool: Lifeguard 24. Spend most of the day looking out the window: Pilot

25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 30. 31. 32. 33. 34. 35. 36. 37. 38. 39. 40.

Wear a tuxedo and smash metal plates into each other: Musician Go to strange peoples houses and take their money: Pizza Delivery Boy Sell gluttony: Cinema Concession Stand Attendant Tell people that they cant spend money they thought they had: Government Analyst Take pictures of the unlucky and the stupid: X-ray Technician Profit from the misfortunes of others: Cops and Courts Reporter Take a simple two-way promise and turn it into several complicated one-way promises which neither side can understand or hope to fulfill: Lawyer Bring a little rain into the lives of flood victims: Government Debt Collector Have people spend far more than they estimated: Building Inspector Make sure nothing ever happens: IT Security Move things from one tube to another: Microbiologist Try not to kill the baby: Housewife Misinterpret the universe: Astronomer Be a human napkin: Stay-at-home mom of three Run away and call the police: Security Guard Copy and paste the Internet: Student

The Top 10
1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. Help people hate each other: Divorce Lawyer (Scott Adams favorite) Stand on a field and get yelled at for hours: Baseball Umpire Talk in other peoples sleep: College Professor Call people who know what theyre doing and ask them what theyre doing: Incident Manager Show people how beautiful the Earth would be without them: Mountain Landscape Photographer/Climber Make people feel bad about their work: Quality Assurance Tester Repeatedly fix what you repeatedly break: IT Director Clean up an animal that makes more money then me in a year: Assistant Horse Trainer Write words that no one wants to read: Technical Writer Make food that is as healthy before it goes in your body as when it comes back out: Fast Food Employee