2

gazettenewspaper Friday, March 30, 2012

Patrick Searle best source
City councillor comes in second place

Spoke riot takes down Rick McGhie
What should have been a night of laughter and inebriation ended in utter misery last Wednesday night when over a dozen students were injured for no particular reason. Sarah Brent, kitchen staff at the Spoke, explained legendary Western performer Rick McGhie was just launching into the first few lines of “Pinball Wizard” when things took a turn for the worse. “I was preparing a CLT, just like any other night, when I noticed we were missing a key ingredient—bacon. This immediately halted production,” she said. Upon the discovery, chaos erupted at the popular student bar. “Students were re-filling their non-refillable cups at the fountain pop machine,” Patrick Searle, vicepresident university affairs for the University Students’ Council and key witness, recalled. Following this, things turned violent. Western students began ripping off pieces of decorative wood and hurtling them into the crowd. “I was busy indicating the levy was dry and didn’t have time to shield my face,” said one bloodsplattered victim. Outside on Concrete Beach, barbaric Western students flipped over a SERT golf cart which had arrived to deliver much-needed medical aid. As the vehicle went up in flames, students frolicked and cheered over their fiery achievement, sending out triumphant tweets. “@andrewforgione I just started my own #forgibomb! #boom” read one such tweet. Back inside, the riot had reached critical levels. McGhie, recently re-

I was busy indicating the levy was dry and didn’t have time to shield my face.
—one blood-splattered victim

Patrick Searle, vice-president university affairs for the University Students’ Council, has been voted the Gazette editorial board’s favourite source for 2011-12. Searle placed first in a landslide victory, trailed in second place by Stephen Orser, city councillor for Ward 4, and Your Friend From Facebook in third. “Pat Searle is there whenever we need a quote, no matter what the story is about,” Alex Carmona, news wizard at the Gazette, said. “Seriously. If we were writing a story about, I don’t know, the weather or something, Pat Searle could come up with a university affairs angle and give us the sound bites we so desperately crave.” “Pat Searle,” he added with a smile. “I think Pat Searle is probably the friendliest person at Western,” said Patrick Searle, vice-president administration for the Ontario Undergraduate Student Alliance. “The press just can’t get enough of that guy. I mean, how could they? Whenever the Gazette emails him, Pat Searle shows up in the office five minutes later with quotes and documents at the ready. I think Pat Searle literally has the ability to be everywhere at once.” Orser was disappointed at his second-place finish, but begrudgingly conceded defeat. “It’s unfortunate, really. The Gazette really made the wrong call on this one. This is something that Londoners feel very strongly about,” he said.

Stories Patrick Searle has been interviewed for: Canadian profs making bank (March 27, 2012) Minding the neighbours (March 23, 2012) OUSA to lobby for health, mobility, access (March 13, 2012) Ontario credit transfer system begins reform (March 7, 2012) University growth causing both cuts and expansions (March 7, 2012) AODA funding gets stopped by council (February 29, 2012) London may get louder (February 16, 2012) OUSA pushes for tuition reform (February 9, 2012) CAUT criticizes Access Copyright decision (February 7, 2012) Western signs new Access Copyright deal (February 3, 2012) USC to host student ‘unconference’ on improving Western (January 20, 2012) Academic reform debated in Ontario (January 17, 2012) Provincial tuition grant draws criticism (January 11, 2012) USC recommends opt out on Access Copyright tariff (November 30, 2011) CASA descends on Ottawa for lobby conference (November 24, 2011) OUSA general assembly a success (November 10, 2011) OUSA looks at Ontario university spending (November 3, 2011) Bus Rapid Transit for London (November 1, 2011)

See, here—this pie graph shows which stories are the most read, and the biggest slice is the one where Pat Searle is quoted. Do you want a copy of this? I’ll email it to you.”
vice-president university affairs for the USC

turned from hip surgery, was hit with a plastic beer cup mid-song. The force of the object caused the singer to lose his balance and fracture the bone once more. McGhie could not be reached for comment. Shortly after 1 a.m., campus police arrived on the scene and waited patiently for the violence to end. Elgin Austen, director of Campus Community Police Services, explained most of the police’s resources and energy had been used up on the hacker case, and they would mostly act as a figurehead for the remainder of the semester. In total, 14 students were trampled, bruised, bleeding, or visibly shaken by the end of the night’s events. “This was even worse than Wolfgang Gartner,” Peter Tiffen, a first-year political science student, whimpered. “There was actually a fire, and not just grotesque humidity.” When asked for his opinion on the riot, Western University President Amit Chakma said he hoped to prevent such occurrences in the future by focusing on internationalization.

—Patrick Seale,

“We’ve spoken to Londoners, we’ve heard from them, and they’ve been very clear that I am the best.” “The USC understands councillor Orser’s concerns, but the data contradicts him,” Patrick Searle said, brandishing a handful of spreadsheets and graphs. “See, here—this pie graph shows which stories are the most read, and the biggest slice is the one where Pat Searle is quoted,” Searle explained. “Do you want a copy of this? I’ll email it to you.” Despite repeated attempts, Your Friend From Facebook could not be reached for comment. Doesn’t he know we need him for this story to come through? He’s probably doing it just to spite us. Jerk.

3
gazettenewspaper Friday, March 30, 2012 Student wins Roll-Up-TheRim car, head explodes
When Jensen Stackles, a secondyear engineering student, finished his usual extra-large double-double, he rolled up his rim as he always did. He was completely unaware, however, that the roll would be his last. Upon finishing his roll, Stackles was confronted with the image every caffeine-addicted student craves to see—that of a Toyota Camry Hybrid. Stackles’ screams echoed through the busy University Community Centre, drawing a large crowd in only a few seconds. “At first, I thought it was just another awareness stunt,” Roy Schultz, a fourth-year environmental science student, said. “I knew something was wrong, though, when the screaming didn’t stop.” According to eyewitnesses, Stackles fell to the ground, his body wracked by convulsions. His head then popped like a balloon, drenching the atrium with blood, neural fluid and small chucks of brain matter. The coroner’s report attributed Stackles’ untimely demise to a massive spike in adrenaline combined with the dangerously high amount of caffeine. “It’s those damn 24 oz. Tims cups,” the coroner wrote in the margin of the report. “This is the sixth Roll-Up-TheRim related death I’ve had to deal with this month.” Tim Hortons representatives were unapologetic. “The new 24 oz. cup size provides our valued customers with the vital caffeine boost they need to deal with their horrible, meaningless lives,” Rhonda Greene, spokesperson for Tim Hortons, explained. “Are there some casualties? Sure. But what’s important is that the car is now up for grabs again.”

Robo-rolls key in USC election
Supporters of Jon Silver, who came in second place in this University Students’ Council presidential election, are demanding the results be thrown out after it was discovered several students were automatically targeted with Rick Rolls. The call for a re-election came last week, when students from key Silver demographics sent emails to President Andrew Forgione saying they had received anonymous emails that said the voting website had moved to a new URL. Upon opening the link, the students would be directed to a YouTube clip of notable musical genius Rick Astley’s 1983 magnum opus, “Never Gonna Give You Up.” “It’s just so stupid,” Hason Jorlick, a first-year Ivey student who was Rick Rolled, exclaimed. “Rick Rolls haven’t even been funny since 2004.” Jorlick said as a result of the misleading link, he chose not to vote. “I never actually said that,” he argued futilely into my recorder. “I said I probably wasn’t going to vote anyway.” Forgione explained a preliminary investigation into the RoboRolls revealed several residences and student areas were targeted. He said the USC had no current leads on the identity of person behind the emails.

George R.R. Martin dies
Winter is coming for the popular A Song of Ice and Fire fantasy series. Writer George R.R. Martin went to meet the Drowned God last night. Unfortunately, before the funeral arrangements could be made, authors started making claims to Martin’s Iron Pen, with which he wrote the first five books of the series. The War of Five Writers is now being fought to decide who gets to finish the final two books of his popular fantasy series. David Benioff and D.B. Weiss, creators of the HBO adaptation of the series, were quick to assert their neutrality in the conflict. “Our duty is to defend the realm of the TV series,” asserted Benioff. “We will respect the decisions made by whoever ends up holding the Iron Pen.” Fantasy writer Brandon Sanderson, who is in the process of finishing the late Robert Jordan’s The Wheel of Time series, has claimed the right to finish the epic fantasy series. “When a fantasy writer dies, I get to finish the series. The fans will bend at the knee or I will destroy them,” Sanderson claimed. However, fans of the series are not supportive of Sanderson’s claim. “Sanderson taking over The Wheel of Time was the worst thing that could have happened to that series. Robert Jordan specialized in writing 1,000 page books where nothing happened—Sanderson is bringing that series towards its end,” Rand Al’Thor, a Wheel of Time fan, ranted, while frothing at the mouth. Across the Atlantic Ocean, J.K. Rowling is preparing to invade the United States. However, after nearly 5 hours, she still hasn’t booked a ticket to fly across the ocean, causing many to doubt that she will ever claim the Iron Pen.

Gazette does away with bias wheel

Along with its rebranding process, the Gazette has pledged to do away with its bias wheel. The large wheel—crafted out of Bristol board and marker—made its home in the back room of the Gazette office, serving the purpose of helping the news section decide their political bias at the beginning of each day. “I think that we have really evolved beyond the need for a random bias wheel,” Aaron Zaltzman, news staff at the Gazette, stated. “We are now able to create our own heavy biases, and seamlessly insert them into otherwise neutral articles.” The wheel had previously received criticism over the fact that it was biased in itself, with some sections, such as the Conservative and Liberal segments, taking up most of the wheel, while NDP and Green Party segments were barely visible to the naked eye. “At first it was suggested that we just balance the wheel,” Jesse Tahirali, Editor-in-Chief at the Gazette

and die-hard Liberal, explained. “We decided to scrap that idea and let our own biases run wild. Now, writers don’t have to worry about following the instructions of an inanimate object, and can focus on their own beliefs.” The retirement of the wheel has caused other sections at the Gazette to reconsider their own methods of creating bias. The photography section has considered digitally altering the nature of their photos every Monday, while arts and life has begun the transition from following the recommendations of Pitchfork to those on the Billboard Hot 100. The sports section, however, has refused to change the way in which they operate. “Our dartboard with a picture of the Toronto Maple Leafs logo on it is perfect in every way,” Jason Sinukoff, sports editor at the Gazette, stated. “To speak about any other team in the paper would be a waste of everyone’s time.”

With the university set to introduce a Starbucks in the coming school year, things have become increasingly tense in the University Community Centre atrium. Already home to both a Tim Hortons and the Spoke Cafe, some experts believe that this third caffeine vendor could cause a dangerous imbalance in the historically tumultuous territory. “We’re only now seeing the Spoke and the Tim Hortons co-exist peacefully,” Arjun Sandeep, political science professor, said. “Most current students may not be old enough to remember, but for many years, the two chains were engaged in a Cold War-esque standoff.” Sandeep said that although the two coffee vendors now enjoy sideby-side harmony, historically, similar chains immediately resorted to violent food-warfare.

“A few years ago, there was a Pita Pit in the UCC’s Centre Spot. We all know what happened there— Extreme Pita poisoned their tomatoes. People got salmonella, and Pita Pit was never heard of again,” he explained. In preparation for the inevitable war, both the Spoke and Tim Hortons have been bolstering their numbers this year. The Spoke invested in the world’s slowest bagel toaster, ensuring that their line is perpetually spilling out into the atrium. And with recent renovations to Tim Hortons’ second base in the lower level of the UCC, employees ensure that “the Timbits are ready to fly at any time.” Starbucks representatives are also asserting that they will be fully prepared to handle any sort of coffee cataclysm. “We’re introducing a new

size at this location, one significantly larger than the trenta,” Amy O’Brien, spokesperson for Starbucks Canada, said. “It will be called the ‘secchio’—the Italian word for ‘bucket’—and it will contain enough liquid to drown a person. I’ve heard Tim Hortons is doing the same.” UCC security has been training its staff to deal with conflict, but admits it is apprehensive, given the tools they currently possess. “One USC presidential candidate proposed a camera that constantly monitored the lines of the coffee vendors in the atrium. That would have been perfect,” Marv Daily, head of security, explained. “Unfortunately, the students did not vote that candidate into office. We may be facing a crisis because of the student body’s myopic selfishness.”

4
gazettenewspaper Friday, March 30, 2012

Forgione gets rejected
Andrew Forgione has decided to take a personal week off to recover from shock, says the University Students’ Council. It has been reported that the USC president, while a night out at the bar, encountered a girl that refused to fall for his charm. “I don’t know what happened,” Forgione recounted. “We made eye contact, and I smiled—but then she just sort of rolled her eyes and kept walking.” Assuming the unnamed girl somehow just did not know who he was, the self-proclaimed prince of Western pursued her. “I caught back up with her, and told her who I was. I figured she was probably from out of town or something, so she might not of known that I was the Andrew Forgione.” But the previously unstoppable heart-melter’s unblemished streak was to come to an end on that night, as the female seemed to be impervious to his charm. “I started using pick-up lines, which I don’t usually have to do. I was saying things like, ‘Do you need a map? Because you’re lost in my eyes,’” Forgione said. “She did not need my map,” he added. In addition to rattling Forgione to the core of his perfectly-chiseled being, the news hit the Twitterverse

Ask Andy
Your USC president takes the time to answer your questions
Hey Andrew, I’m so stressed out with school. I have all these assignments due and exams to study for and I just don’t know how I’m going to get everything done. How did you handle all the pressures of school while balancing your USC responsibilities? From, OMGZ 2 much skool!!11 Hey OMGZ Too much Skool!!11, Thanks for your message—hearing from students means so much to me. I’m your president and I’m here to make Western the best it can be. Whenever my assignments used to build up, I would go and talk to my professor. I would flash my charming smile, the professor would swoon, I’d explain, “I’m the Andrew Forgione,” and assignments wouldn’t really be a problem. Hey Andrew, Lately my boyfriend has been really secretive—he’s stopped responding to my hourly check-in text and he never holds my hand anymore. I love him, but I don’t know what to do. From, My life is over. Hey My life is over, I truly believe Western is the most beautiful campus in Canada and is home to the best student experience. Hey Andrew, You seem like an action kind of guy, what’s your favourite Steven Seagal movie? From, I have a man crush on you Hey I have a man crush on you, I’ve been really happy with the success of the Mustang Lounge this year, and the cellphone chargers have been a great addition to our campus. Yeah—Wolfgang Gartner was on fire! Hey Andrew, My roommate has been stealing my food lately. I don’t want to make it awkward, but I’m really hungry… and she’s getting kind of fat. What should I do? From, scared of confrontation Hey scared of confrontation, I love my university! Go Mustangs Go! Hey Andrew, What should I have for lunch? From, Hungry Hey Hungry, SPOKE BAGEL! SPOKE MUFFIN! SPOKE CLT! Hey Andrew, Will you marry me? Love, Wants to stay in this country Hey Wants to stay in this country, Hahahahahahahahahahahaha— get in line.

Takes personal week to cry and recover

hard. After having tweeted “Jst tried to talk to a girl, but she didnt want to talk back. Oh man, this is horrible #worstdayofmylife,” thousands of Western students and admirers voiced their support on the popular social networking platform. “We still love you, Forge! #Forge2012” tweeted @wstrngrl221. Within minutes, the hashtag “Forge2012” began trending across Canada. “If I find that girl that rejected you, I will hurt her. I promise I will.

#Forge2012” tweeted @prplgrl. Police have since begun investigating the Internet for making this threat. Though clearly shaken by his experience, Forgione promises to return to work by late next week. “It’s been a rough couple of days, but I just keep reminding myself of the positives. I have a supportive council at a great university, plus tens of thousands of girls who would [engage in pleasant conversation with me] if I asked them. I’ll need a bit of time, but I’ll be back.”

Forgione: Fearnall’s father?
Initials aren’t the only thing they have in common
When the announcement was made that Adam Fearnall was going to be the next president of the USC, he immediately turned around and looked at his proud father—Andrew Forgione. When Forgione was elected a year ago, he decided that a single term was not enough, and immediately began growing a clone known as AFvII. AFvII grew quickly, and inherited the initials given to him by his father on his 20th birthday, choosing the name Adam Fearnall. “I will never be as proud of my son as I am today,” stated Forgione, his eyes tearing up. “I mean, literally. This was the only purpose of his creation. He doesn’t even feel emotion.” Word has it that Fearnall has begun work on his own clone for next year—AFvIII. “This will be a lot more difficult than it was last year,” explained Jason Hyde, mad

scientist and computer enthusiast. “Science has barely learned how to clone a person, and cloning a clone could prove much, much more difficult.” Fearnall, however, expressed little worry over the growth of the new clone, and was instead transfixed on picking a name for the new baby as it floated in a bath of steroids. “I’m stuck between Antoine Ferraro and Alex Felton,” droned the subhuman president. “He’s just

growing so fast. I only have a few weeks left to decide before he hits maturity.” There has already been a seat on next year’s USC council reserved for the new clone, who will hopefully finish his growth with extra organs and appendages. “I want him to have two hearts, so he can care twice as much,” stated Fearnall. “And three arms, so he can shake three people’s hands at once.”

5
gazettenewspaper Friday, March 30, 2012

Tim Hortons introduces shots and buckets
Coffee lovers at Western may soon be doing a double take the next time they order their double-double. After the positive reception of Tim Hortons’ decision to increase coffee cup sizes, the Canadian chain has decided to test out two new sizes, and the Western campus has been chosen as one of the sample locations. The new sizes have already been integrated into the menus at various campus Tim Hortons, including both UCC locations, North Campus Building, and the Natural Sciences Centre. These new sizes are affectionately called the “shot” and the “bucket.” “We definitely found these names were a lot more natural than asking for an ‘extra extra small’ and so on,” explains Tim Bit, the marketing director overseeing the new sizes project at Western. “We also felt that such names would resound with the youth demographic at the university, especially our ‘shot’ glasses of coffee. To promote a party atmosphere, every time someone orders a shot, Tim Hortons employees are instructed to scream ‘everybody!’ while cheering the customer on until they leave the establishment.” Although Bit remains enthusiastic about the shot-sized glasses, not everyone is pleased. Elizabeth Agna, a fourth-year Ivey student, feels frustrated with the new cup size. “It takes more time waiting for it in line than it does to drink the damned thing,” says Agna. “People also feel the need drink the shot as soon as they receive it, slamming the cup on the table. It all just makes the process so much longer.” “Reactions to the shot-sized glasses have been a little conflicted, but we’ve had a very good response to the bucket-sized glasses,” confirms Bit, who remains optimistic about the new sizes. Brian Levitt-Thomas, a first-year science student and resident at SaugeenMaitland Hall, shares in Bit’s enthusiasm. “The bucket is great, really, it’s great, just great, great!” says Levitt-Thomas, shaking his hands frantically to indicate the level of greatness. “I’ve been able to run up and down the floors of Saugeen, twice!” Levitt-Thomas, who was not available to be reached for further comment, is one of many Western students who are ecstatic about the bucket cup. With its built-in handle, the bucket has become a staple in the Western aesthetic, with students lugging them from class to class. As the university launches into a caffeine-induced frenzy, the sentiments of Levitt-Thomas hold true for the Western community at large. “It’s great, really great.”

>> The shot & the bucket
The bucket: 4.5 litres ......................................................$3.50

The shot: 30 millilitres ....................................................$5

Downward dog incident
Jeffrey Teston, a third-year political science student, tried yoga for the first time this past weekend. Unfortunately for him, the infamous downward-facing dog was too challenging, and he got stuck in the position. After nine hours of surgery, doctors at University Hospital were able to restructure his hips and save his life. Teston also suffered trauma to the head, resulting from a severe blood rush to the brain, after being stuck in the downward-facing dog position for 10 hours. The incident happened at Campus Recreation Saturday morning during a full yoga class. Sage Mayflower, the class’s instructor, says this is his first time one of his students had to be rushed to the hospital during a class. “At first, I thought he was in a deep state of meditation, so I wasn’t worried,” he says. “But after he started barking, I knew the blood had rushed to his head and it was serious.” Doctors don’t know if he’ll ever fully recover. One doctor on his case, Dan Thorton, says full recovery is unlikely. “The downward dog seems simple and easy, but we’ve had 16 yoga-related injuries in the last month,” he says. “As a result, he’ll need at least six months of rehabilitation therapy, and must stay away from dogs to avoid triggers of any dog-related behavior.” University officials released a statement yesterday stating all Campus Recreation yoga classes are cancelled until further notice, and that downward-facing dog may be removed from all class routines going forward. While yoga’s growing popularity has increased traffic at University Hospital, the hospital hadn’t seen an injury this severe until now. “We didn’t know yoga could be so dangerous,” Thorton notes. “People need to really examine their flexibility level before trying new fitness regimes—especially yoga. It seems like Mr. Teston’s hips weren’t loose, and his abdominal muscles not developed enough.” Hopefully, all yogis going forward will be aware that seemingly simple yoga positions may not, in fact, be suitable for first-timers. The growing trend has had doctors worried, and that worry has only intensified after this incident. “As a yoga instructor, I must be more self-aware in the future,” Mayflower notes. “I’ve cleared all my chakras since Saturday, so hopefully this incident won’t hinder my karma and affect my future yoga classes.”

Mad about fitness “I want to work out but I’m intimidated by the gym. What do I need to know so I don’t look like a rookie?” —sweaty and scared Working out is hard enough as it is. You shouldn’t have to worry about whether or not you’ll fit in at the gym. Take my advice—I practically live at the gym—and you’ll be ready to head to your workout confident so no one will know you’re a newbie. Save the trees. Go environmentally friendly and skip wiping down the machines you use—those antibacterial wipes are just there for people who want to take out the rainforests. Time is money. There’s no point in going to a class until at least the warm up is done. The instructor won’t mind if you show up a few sets in. Everyone’s busy. Bring some friendly competition. When you’re running on a treadmill, use your neighbours. If you crane your neck to see how fast they’re running and aim to go 0.1mph faster, you’ll bring out

their competitive fire and both of you will get a better workout. Who knows, you might even meet a training partner this way! Belt it out. When you’re listening to your headphones, you’re hogging your music. Share the tunes by singing it for the rest of the gym to hear. Let it out. Grunting has been shown to improve performance. You might as well practice it even with your light weights—make every rep count. Pack it. Never go into a workout unprepared. Always stock your bag with chalk, lifting straps, a weightlifting belt, a pair of minimalist shoes, a foam roller and a jumping rope. While you’re at it, throw in a pre-workout shake, a sports drink for the workout itself, and a postworkout recovery shake. Go au naturel. After your workout, make sure you take your time hitting the showers. Some of the best friends you’ll ever make you’ll meet in the nude post-workout. Now that you’re armed with my insider tips, there’s no excuse—see you in the weightroom.

6
gazettenewspaper Friday, March 30, 2012

Fashion at Western as hot as ever
Originality reigns when it comes to campus style
Style is constantly changing, but at Western it pretty much stays the same. While the old Gazette used to focus on seeking out unique styles and individuals with a distinct fashion sense, our new focus is on the more common trends on campus. After all, Canada Goose jackets, Lululemon pants and UGG boots are popular for a reason—they just look good. We took a look at these trends on campus and made some predictions about how Western style will evolve in the next few years. Want to stay on the cutting edge? Well, you shouldn’t. Just wait until 90 per cent of the population is sporting this look before you join in. You don’t want to stand out. Still, here are our predictions so you can get shopping now and let the styles sit in your closet until just the right moment.

Club Weldon Why waste time going home after class? Just wear your cutest clubbing outfits to your lecture so you can get in line at the Frog before everyone else. Worried your profs won’t take you seriously? Just tell them you are serious—serious about partying! Am I right? Finish off the look by carving out the inside of your textbook to create a cute DIY clutch where you can stash your lipstick and cash.

Free and breezy You know those days when you’re just too tired to put on pants? You know, like Monday through Thursday? Currently, Western fashionistas amend this by throwing on a pair of barely-there, translucent leggings. Why not cut to the chase and go pantless? It’s the ultimate in comfort, and everyone can already see your thong through your leggings anyway.

UGG-ly or UGG-lam? Every Western girl knows UGGs are the definition of comfort—it’s no wonder they’re standard issue (no, really, they come in the O-Week kit). Take comfort to a whole new level with the SnUgg—the full-body UGG boot. It makes going to class or an exam feel like you’re floating on a cloud and if you ever had trouble falling asleep in Weldon before, no more! The best part? It’s one-size-fits-all.

What’s hot and what’s not
HOT: Tim Hortons Iced Capps Iced capps are so freaking hot right now. After a hot workout at the gym, followed by some hot yoga, there’s nothing hotter than consuming 250 empty calories. NOT: Waiting for a Tim Hortons Iced Capp What do you mean 15 minutes? Do you think I ever have time to stand around and wait in a Tim Hortons line for 15 minutes? HOT: Spoke’s new toaster The new toaster has taken so long to get here—almost as long as it used to take to get a Spoke bagel. The new toaster takes hot to a literal level, with temperatures reaching upwards of 400 degrees Fahrenheit—the mound of cream cheese smothering your bagel will surely melt. So hot. NOT: Spoke’s old toaster The old toaster was so slow it made a three-hour calculus lecture seem fast. It took so long I swear my bagel started moulding midway through the toasting session. HOT: Ceeps Saturday night at the Ceeps is always hot—even when you’ve been waiting in line for three hours, there’s a blizzard occurring, and you won’t actually be able to dance inside because you’re pretty sure your feet have gone numb. NOT: Creeps Creeping is so last year. Nothing is more awkward than being in class and right in front of you is someone lurking your Facebook profile. HOT: Rick McGhie Every year, Rick gets even hotter. And lucky for us, Rick got a new hip this year, which can only mean one thing… NOT: UCC dance teams Ever heard of booking a room? It’s about time the dance teams stop monopolizing the UCC atrium and find some new dance space, preferably not in everyone’s way. HOT: The new Gazette A whole section devoted to Andrew Forgione? Yes, please. Sports Scandals? Finally—it’s about time the sports section was actually tolerable. NOT: The old Gazette So glad the old Gazette is gone— the only enjoyable part was the crossword.

7
gazettenewspaper Friday, March 30, 2012
>> Football > breeding scandals

Marshall in cuffs after breeding scandal indictment
Ever wonder why you see so many first initials on the backs of Mustangs football jerseys? How is it that the Mustangs football team has so many siblings on the same roster? Wonder no more, as the final piece of the puzzle has fallen into place— and the picture reveals Greg Marshall being ushered into a police car in handcuffs. After years of investigation, the Mustangs football team and Mustangs athletics finds themselves in the midst of a breeding scandal that has no precedent. Private investigators hired by unnamed schools of Ontario University Athletics, along with Baylor University in Waco, Texas—who are obviously still upset that Tyler Varga chose the Mustangs—have been digging up information on early ‘90s recruiting, and they found more than they bargained for. Minutes from a meeting taking place somewhere between 1987 and 1992 show that then Mustangs offensive co-ordinator Greg Marshall planned on breeding football players to be used exactly 18 years later. Evidence of said meeting is found right in the Marshall family as he set the tone by having two kids—Donnie and Brian—that happened to become football players around this time. “I am innocent until proven guilty,” Marshall said as he was ducking into the police cruiser. “If this were true, don’t you think I would have bred a ball boy too? The guys we have suck!” Among the members of the meeting included the parents of the Wheelers, Rivas, Normans, Huggins and the O’Doyles. Unfortunately for the O’Doyles, they were not genetically fit to participate in the scandal. “I knew when Nick and I began pushing around the O’Doyle boys by fifth grade that they weren’t going to make the cut,” Nathan Riva, Mustangs running back, said. “It was unfortunate that they only made it to 5’4”. They would have made quite the defensive backfield.” The full details of the scandal have yet to come out, but as private investigators sift through the files in Marshall’s office, more information will certainly be released. “They may have stopped me now, but wait until the class of 2023 comes along,” Marshall said. “And you thought Yao Ming was the best genetically engineered human being. Remember the name Lorenzo Charles.”

29 titles, any opponents?
Fame-seeking squash coach revealed

They have brought 29 Ontario University Athletics championships back to Western. They are the most dominant team in the OUA—because they are the only team. It has recently been uncovered that Jack Fairs, the head coach of the Mustangs squash team, has secretly been sowing his seeds of deception for almost 30 years. The Gazette has discovered the OUA squash tournament never existed. In fact, Fairs has been fabricating the entire tournament and its results for 29 consecutive years. We obtained this proof when one of our laziest sports editors finally decided to cover a championship game.

“I showed up and all I saw was Jack Fairs sitting on top of a pile of awards and laughing giddily to himself,” Jason Sinukoff, sports editor for the Gazette, said. “I had to do it,” Fairs said as he was led away in handcuffs. “Those shuttlecocks in badminton have been hogging the glory for too long!” After speaking to Fairs, Sinukoff scoured London, then Canada, then finally, the world, to find a legitimate squash tournament for Western’s team to enter. To his utter astonishment, there were none to be found. Axel Sverrisson, avid user of the Western Campus Recreation cen-

tre, had this to say about the supposed “squash” courts. “Those? They’re just racquetball courts. What the hell is squash?” Yes, you read that right, faceless Gazette reader. Jack Fairs didn’t just fabricate the squash tournaments—he fabricated the entire sport itself, in what has been described by CNN and Time Magazine as one of the most elaborate frauds perpetrated in sports history. When asked how he was able to pull off such a seemingly impossible task for three decades, Fairs answered rather bluntly. “You’d be surprised what you can get away with when nobody reads the sports section.”

Fixing draws crowds
Both the men’s and women’s soccer teams have been suspended for the 2012-13 season after Canadian Interuniversity Sport officials uncovered a match-fixing scandal that seems to span several provinces. Along with 14 other teams in the CIS, Western’s teams have been suspended for colluding with their opponents to run up the score. “We just wanted to make it more interesting for the fans,” Leanne MacDonald of the Mustangs women’s team said, who earlier in the year scored her first ever quadruple hat trick. “Everyone always watches football, but no one seems to care about soccer.” Officials became suspicious after one particularly lopsided match between the Carleton Ravens and the Queen’s Gaels. Though regular soccer games average two to three total goals per match, Carleton beat Queen’s by a score of 51-16. “Everyone always says soccer is boring, that no one ever scores,” Harris Cekic, Mustangs men’s forward, said. “We wanted to show them that soccer wasn’t boring at all—that if you came out to watch, you might even see 80 or more goals in one game.” Though this past season saw the number of spectators more than double, not everyone was excited to see so many balls in the back of the net. “Being a goalie was never fun. But letting the sweeper boot a ball in from her own 18-yard box just made me look bad. I looked like a sedated sloth in net, feebly swiping at the ball as it floated in,” ex-

>> More scandals online

Soccer team under investigation
plained Madhava Matthews, Redman goalie and one of the key whistleblowers in the scandal. “My little cousin came to one game and asked my aunt why they didn’t just kick me off the team. She said I was as bad at being a goalie as I was at giving piggybacks. That crossed the line for me.” And though teams like the UOIT Ridgebacks ended the season with more than 600 goals against, CIS commissioner Xavier Gjon said that the real losers here are the fans. “They’ve enjoyed a spectacular season, one in which scores often went well into triple digits. Do you think any of those three people will return next year and enjoy watching a nil-nil draw? I don’t think they will. I don’t even know if I’m going to watch next year,” he stated.

Gilbert Arenas set to join Mustangs after rejection filled season Free guns for first 500 fans

Football teams joins with Habit for Humanity in “Hut for Huts” program They will strangle you if you do not participate

Rec centre to be renamed after popular condom brand Trojan Durex to pull out sponsorship of Mustang Lounge

Shot put team sentenced to community service Garbage flying everywhere

8
gazettenewspaper Friday, March 30, 2012

Sudoku
6 9 8 1 7 2 9 3 4 6 4 8 2 9 8 6 8 3 9 4 2 8 3 5 7 5 1 7

A soph-tastic adventure
After the _________________ soph woke up one September morning, he put on his
adjective

__________________, grabbed his knapsack and ran out the door. He got to school
clothing item

by ___________________ and ran to the UCC to meet his soph team. Together, they
mode of transportation

went to the Spoke while _______________________. Afterwards, they gathered on
verb

Concrete Beach to perform their _________________ duties and did so with gigantic
adjective

smiles on their faces. After an exciting afternoon together, they decided they were ________________, so they went to ________________. It was there that they
feeling place

encountered some of their ____________________ frosh, who were surprised to see
adjective

them. Despite the ____________ encounter, they proceeded to cheer _____________
adjective chant

________________ and _____________, extremely loudly. This caused a ruckus and
chant chant

made everyone around them _______________. As a result, a giant _____________
reaction event

started and the sophs became extremely _________________. They all went back to
feeling

their respective residences and hoped tomorrow would be a ________________ day.
adjective

Western-inspired crossword
Across Down 1. The place to be Wednesday nights 2. The zoo 5. Where you’ll nd the faculty of 3. Someone who is overly happy music 6. Purple horse 9. A club 10. Campus TV show 12. Created in 1906 13. Located overtop of the beach 14. USC president 15. Football player(s) 4. Goal of Western's administration 7. The home of the Spoke 8. Mustang goalie 11. Western's president