Professional Documents
Culture Documents
I was busy indicating the levy was dry and didnt have time to shield my face.
one blood-splattered victim
Patrick Searle, vice-president university affairs for the University Students Council, has been voted the Gazette editorial boards favourite source for 2011-12. Searle placed first in a landslide victory, trailed in second place by Stephen Orser, city councillor for Ward 4, and Your Friend From Facebook in third. Pat Searle is there whenever we need a quote, no matter what the story is about, Alex Carmona, news wizard at the Gazette, said. Seriously. If we were writing a story about, I dont know, the weather or something, Pat Searle could come up with a university affairs angle and give us the sound bites we so desperately crave. Pat Searle, he added with a smile. I think Pat Searle is probably the friendliest person at Western, said Patrick Searle, vice-president administration for the Ontario Undergraduate Student Alliance. The press just cant get enough of that guy. I mean, how could they? Whenever the Gazette emails him, Pat Searle shows up in the office five minutes later with quotes and documents at the ready. I think Pat Searle literally has the ability to be everywhere at once. Orser was disappointed at his second-place finish, but begrudgingly conceded defeat. Its unfortunate, really. The Gazette really made the wrong call on this one. This is something that Londoners feel very strongly about, he said.
Stories Patrick Searle has been interviewed for: Canadian profs making bank (March 27, 2012) Minding the neighbours (March 23, 2012) OUSA to lobby for health, mobility, access (March 13, 2012) Ontario credit transfer system begins reform (March 7, 2012) University growth causing both cuts and expansions (March 7, 2012) AODA funding gets stopped by council (February 29, 2012) London may get louder (February 16, 2012) OUSA pushes for tuition reform (February 9, 2012) CAUT criticizes Access Copyright decision (February 7, 2012) Western signs new Access Copyright deal (February 3, 2012) USC to host student unconference on improving Western (January 20, 2012) Academic reform debated in Ontario (January 17, 2012) Provincial tuition grant draws criticism (January 11, 2012) USC recommends opt out on Access Copyright tariff (November 30, 2011) CASA descends on Ottawa for lobby conference (November 24, 2011) OUSA general assembly a success (November 10, 2011) OUSA looks at Ontario university spending (November 3, 2011) Bus Rapid Transit for London (November 1, 2011)
See, herethis pie graph shows which stories are the most read, and the biggest slice is the one where Pat Searle is quoted. Do you want a copy of this? Ill email it to you.
vice-president university affairs for the USC
turned from hip surgery, was hit with a plastic beer cup mid-song. The force of the object caused the singer to lose his balance and fracture the bone once more. McGhie could not be reached for comment. Shortly after 1 a.m., campus police arrived on the scene and waited patiently for the violence to end. Elgin Austen, director of Campus Community Police Services, explained most of the polices resources and energy had been used up on the hacker case, and they would mostly act as a figurehead for the remainder of the semester. In total, 14 students were trampled, bruised, bleeding, or visibly shaken by the end of the nights events. This was even worse than Wolfgang Gartner, Peter Tiffen, a first-year political science student, whimpered. There was actually a fire, and not just grotesque humidity. When asked for his opinion on the riot, Western University President Amit Chakma said he hoped to prevent such occurrences in the future by focusing on internationalization.
Patrick Seale,
Weve spoken to Londoners, weve heard from them, and theyve been very clear that I am the best. The USC understands councillor Orsers concerns, but the data contradicts him, Patrick Searle said, brandishing a handful of spreadsheets and graphs. See, herethis pie graph shows which stories are the most read, and the biggest slice is the one where Pat Searle is quoted, Searle explained. Do you want a copy of this? Ill email it to you. Despite repeated attempts, Your Friend From Facebook could not be reached for comment. Doesnt he know we need him for this story to come through? Hes probably doing it just to spite us. Jerk.
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gazettenewspaper Friday, March 30, 2012 Student wins Roll-Up-TheRim car, head explodes
When Jensen Stackles, a secondyear engineering student, finished his usual extra-large double-double, he rolled up his rim as he always did. He was completely unaware, however, that the roll would be his last. Upon finishing his roll, Stackles was confronted with the image every caffeine-addicted student craves to seethat of a Toyota Camry Hybrid. Stackles screams echoed through the busy University Community Centre, drawing a large crowd in only a few seconds. At first, I thought it was just another awareness stunt, Roy Schultz, a fourth-year environmental science student, said. I knew something was wrong, though, when the screaming didnt stop. According to eyewitnesses, Stackles fell to the ground, his body wracked by convulsions. His head then popped like a balloon, drenching the atrium with blood, neural fluid and small chucks of brain matter. The coroners report attributed Stackles untimely demise to a massive spike in adrenaline combined with the dangerously high amount of caffeine. Its those damn 24 oz. Tims cups, the coroner wrote in the margin of the report. This is the sixth Roll-Up-TheRim related death Ive had to deal with this month. Tim Hortons representatives were unapologetic. The new 24 oz. cup size provides our valued customers with the vital caffeine boost they need to deal with their horrible, meaningless lives, Rhonda Greene, spokesperson for Tim Hortons, explained. Are there some casualties? Sure. But whats important is that the car is now up for grabs again.
Along with its rebranding process, the Gazette has pledged to do away with its bias wheel. The large wheelcrafted out of Bristol board and markermade its home in the back room of the Gazette office, serving the purpose of helping the news section decide their political bias at the beginning of each day. I think that we have really evolved beyond the need for a random bias wheel, Aaron Zaltzman, news staff at the Gazette, stated. We are now able to create our own heavy biases, and seamlessly insert them into otherwise neutral articles. The wheel had previously received criticism over the fact that it was biased in itself, with some sections, such as the Conservative and Liberal segments, taking up most of the wheel, while NDP and Green Party segments were barely visible to the naked eye. At first it was suggested that we just balance the wheel, Jesse Tahirali, Editor-in-Chief at the Gazette
and die-hard Liberal, explained. We decided to scrap that idea and let our own biases run wild. Now, writers dont have to worry about following the instructions of an inanimate object, and can focus on their own beliefs. The retirement of the wheel has caused other sections at the Gazette to reconsider their own methods of creating bias. The photography section has considered digitally altering the nature of their photos every Monday, while arts and life has begun the transition from following the recommendations of Pitchfork to those on the Billboard Hot 100. The sports section, however, has refused to change the way in which they operate. Our dartboard with a picture of the Toronto Maple Leafs logo on it is perfect in every way, Jason Sinukoff, sports editor at the Gazette, stated. To speak about any other team in the paper would be a waste of everyones time.
With the university set to introduce a Starbucks in the coming school year, things have become increasingly tense in the University Community Centre atrium. Already home to both a Tim Hortons and the Spoke Cafe, some experts believe that this third caffeine vendor could cause a dangerous imbalance in the historically tumultuous territory. Were only now seeing the Spoke and the Tim Hortons co-exist peacefully, Arjun Sandeep, political science professor, said. Most current students may not be old enough to remember, but for many years, the two chains were engaged in a Cold War-esque standoff. Sandeep said that although the two coffee vendors now enjoy sideby-side harmony, historically, similar chains immediately resorted to violent food-warfare.
A few years ago, there was a Pita Pit in the UCCs Centre Spot. We all know what happened there Extreme Pita poisoned their tomatoes. People got salmonella, and Pita Pit was never heard of again, he explained. In preparation for the inevitable war, both the Spoke and Tim Hortons have been bolstering their numbers this year. The Spoke invested in the worlds slowest bagel toaster, ensuring that their line is perpetually spilling out into the atrium. And with recent renovations to Tim Hortons second base in the lower level of the UCC, employees ensure that the Timbits are ready to fly at any time. Starbucks representatives are also asserting that they will be fully prepared to handle any sort of coffee cataclysm. Were introducing a new
size at this location, one significantly larger than the trenta, Amy OBrien, spokesperson for Starbucks Canada, said. It will be called the secchiothe Italian word for bucketand it will contain enough liquid to drown a person. Ive heard Tim Hortons is doing the same. UCC security has been training its staff to deal with conflict, but admits it is apprehensive, given the tools they currently possess. One USC presidential candidate proposed a camera that constantly monitored the lines of the coffee vendors in the atrium. That would have been perfect, Marv Daily, head of security, explained. Unfortunately, the students did not vote that candidate into office. We may be facing a crisis because of the student bodys myopic selfishness.
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gazettenewspaper Friday, March 30, 2012
Ask Andy
Your USC president takes the time to answer your questions
Hey Andrew, Im so stressed out with school. I have all these assignments due and exams to study for and I just dont know how Im going to get everything done. How did you handle all the pressures of school while balancing your USC responsibilities? From, OMGZ 2 much skool!!11 Hey OMGZ Too much Skool!!11, Thanks for your messagehearing from students means so much to me. Im your president and Im here to make Western the best it can be. Whenever my assignments used to build up, I would go and talk to my professor. I would flash my charming smile, the professor would swoon, Id explain, Im the Andrew Forgione, and assignments wouldnt really be a problem. Hey Andrew, Lately my boyfriend has been really secretivehes stopped responding to my hourly check-in text and he never holds my hand anymore. I love him, but I dont know what to do. From, My life is over. Hey My life is over, I truly believe Western is the most beautiful campus in Canada and is home to the best student experience. Hey Andrew, You seem like an action kind of guy, whats your favourite Steven Seagal movie? From, I have a man crush on you Hey I have a man crush on you, Ive been really happy with the success of the Mustang Lounge this year, and the cellphone chargers have been a great addition to our campus. YeahWolfgang Gartner was on fire! Hey Andrew, My roommate has been stealing my food lately. I dont want to make it awkward, but Im really hungry and shes getting kind of fat. What should I do? From, scared of confrontation Hey scared of confrontation, I love my university! Go Mustangs Go! Hey Andrew, What should I have for lunch? From, Hungry Hey Hungry, SPOKE BAGEL! SPOKE MUFFIN! SPOKE CLT! Hey Andrew, Will you marry me? Love, Wants to stay in this country Hey Wants to stay in this country, Hahahahahahahahahahahaha get in line.
hard. After having tweeted Jst tried to talk to a girl, but she didnt want to talk back. Oh man, this is horrible #worstdayofmylife, thousands of Western students and admirers voiced their support on the popular social networking platform. We still love you, Forge! #Forge2012 tweeted @wstrngrl221. Within minutes, the hashtag Forge2012 began trending across Canada. If I find that girl that rejected you, I will hurt her. I promise I will.
#Forge2012 tweeted @prplgrl. Police have since begun investigating the Internet for making this threat. Though clearly shaken by his experience, Forgione promises to return to work by late next week. Its been a rough couple of days, but I just keep reminding myself of the positives. I have a supportive council at a great university, plus tens of thousands of girls who would [engage in pleasant conversation with me] if I asked them. Ill need a bit of time, but Ill be back.
scientist and computer enthusiast. Science has barely learned how to clone a person, and cloning a clone could prove much, much more difficult. Fearnall, however, expressed little worry over the growth of the new clone, and was instead transfixed on picking a name for the new baby as it floated in a bath of steroids. Im stuck between Antoine Ferraro and Alex Felton, droned the subhuman president. Hes just
growing so fast. I only have a few weeks left to decide before he hits maturity. There has already been a seat on next years USC council reserved for the new clone, who will hopefully finish his growth with extra organs and appendages. I want him to have two hearts, so he can care twice as much, stated Fearnall. And three arms, so he can shake three peoples hands at once.
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gazettenewspaper Friday, March 30, 2012
Mad about fitness I want to work out but Im intimidated by the gym. What do I need to know so I dont look like a rookie? sweaty and scared Working out is hard enough as it is. You shouldnt have to worry about whether or not youll fit in at the gym. Take my adviceI practically live at the gymand youll be ready to head to your workout confident so no one will know youre a newbie. Save the trees. Go environmentally friendly and skip wiping down the machines you usethose antibacterial wipes are just there for people who want to take out the rainforests. Time is money. Theres no point in going to a class until at least the warm up is done. The instructor wont mind if you show up a few sets in. Everyones busy. Bring some friendly competition. When youre running on a treadmill, use your neighbours. If you crane your neck to see how fast theyre running and aim to go 0.1mph faster, youll bring out
their competitive fire and both of you will get a better workout. Who knows, you might even meet a training partner this way! Belt it out. When youre listening to your headphones, youre hogging your music. Share the tunes by singing it for the rest of the gym to hear. Let it out. Grunting has been shown to improve performance. You might as well practice it even with your light weightsmake every rep count. Pack it. Never go into a workout unprepared. Always stock your bag with chalk, lifting straps, a weightlifting belt, a pair of minimalist shoes, a foam roller and a jumping rope. While youre at it, throw in a pre-workout shake, a sports drink for the workout itself, and a postworkout recovery shake. Go au naturel. After your workout, make sure you take your time hitting the showers. Some of the best friends youll ever make youll meet in the nude post-workout. Now that youre armed with my insider tips, theres no excusesee you in the weightroom.
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gazettenewspaper Friday, March 30, 2012
Club Weldon Why waste time going home after class? Just wear your cutest clubbing outfits to your lecture so you can get in line at the Frog before everyone else. Worried your profs wont take you seriously? Just tell them you are seriousserious about partying! Am I right? Finish off the look by carving out the inside of your textbook to create a cute DIY clutch where you can stash your lipstick and cash.
Free and breezy You know those days when youre just too tired to put on pants? You know, like Monday through Thursday? Currently, Western fashionistas amend this by throwing on a pair of barely-there, translucent leggings. Why not cut to the chase and go pantless? Its the ultimate in comfort, and everyone can already see your thong through your leggings anyway.
UGG-ly or UGG-lam? Every Western girl knows UGGs are the definition of comfortits no wonder theyre standard issue (no, really, they come in the O-Week kit). Take comfort to a whole new level with the SnUggthe full-body UGG boot. It makes going to class or an exam feel like youre floating on a cloud and if you ever had trouble falling asleep in Weldon before, no more! The best part? Its one-size-fits-all.
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gazettenewspaper Friday, March 30, 2012
>> Football > breeding scandals
They have brought 29 Ontario University Athletics championships back to Western. They are the most dominant team in the OUAbecause they are the only team. It has recently been uncovered that Jack Fairs, the head coach of the Mustangs squash team, has secretly been sowing his seeds of deception for almost 30 years. The Gazette has discovered the OUA squash tournament never existed. In fact, Fairs has been fabricating the entire tournament and its results for 29 consecutive years. We obtained this proof when one of our laziest sports editors finally decided to cover a championship game.
I showed up and all I saw was Jack Fairs sitting on top of a pile of awards and laughing giddily to himself, Jason Sinukoff, sports editor for the Gazette, said. I had to do it, Fairs said as he was led away in handcuffs. Those shuttlecocks in badminton have been hogging the glory for too long! After speaking to Fairs, Sinukoff scoured London, then Canada, then finally, the world, to find a legitimate squash tournament for Westerns team to enter. To his utter astonishment, there were none to be found. Axel Sverrisson, avid user of the Western Campus Recreation cen-
tre, had this to say about the supposed squash courts. Those? Theyre just racquetball courts. What the hell is squash? Yes, you read that right, faceless Gazette reader. Jack Fairs didnt just fabricate the squash tournamentshe fabricated the entire sport itself, in what has been described by CNN and Time Magazine as one of the most elaborate frauds perpetrated in sports history. When asked how he was able to pull off such a seemingly impossible task for three decades, Fairs answered rather bluntly. Youd be surprised what you can get away with when nobody reads the sports section.
Gilbert Arenas set to join Mustangs after rejection filled season Free guns for first 500 fans
Football teams joins with Habit for Humanity in Hut for Huts program They will strangle you if you do not participate
Rec centre to be renamed after popular condom brand Trojan Durex to pull out sponsorship of Mustang Lounge
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gazettenewspaper Friday, March 30, 2012
Sudoku
6 9 8 1 7 2 9 3 4 6 4 8 2 9 8 6 8 3 9 4 2 8 3 5 7 5 1 7
A soph-tastic adventure
After the _________________ soph woke up one September morning, he put on his
adjective
__________________, grabbed his knapsack and ran out the door. He got to school
clothing item
by ___________________ and ran to the UCC to meet his soph team. Together, they
mode of transportation
Concrete Beach to perform their _________________ duties and did so with gigantic
adjective
smiles on their faces. After an exciting afternoon together, they decided they were ________________, so they went to ________________. It was there that they
feeling place
started and the sophs became extremely _________________. They all went back to
feeling
Western-inspired crossword
Across Down 1. The place to be Wednesday nights 2. The zoo 5. Where youll nd the faculty of 3. Someone who is overly happy music 6. Purple horse 9. A club 10. Campus TV show 12. Created in 1906 13. Located overtop of the beach 14. USC president 15. Football player(s) 4. Goal of Western's administration 7. The home of the Spoke 8. Mustang goalie 11. Western's president