Contents

#1 OVERTURE begins...........................................................................................................................3
SCENE 1: A SOUTH LONDON STREET (IN 1595)......................................................................................3
WELCOME TO THE. RENAISSANCE ♫.......................................................................................................3
#3 - WELCOME TO THE RENAISSANCE (PLAYOFF) begins.....................................................................5
♫ WELCOME TO THE RENAISSANCE (PLAYOFF) ♫..................................................................................5
SCENE 2: THE THEATRE......................................................................................................................... 5
#4 – MAN, I HATE SHAKESPEARE.........................................................................................................6
♫ MAN, I HATE SHAKESPEARE ♫.............................................................................................................7
#5 - MAN, I HATE SHAKESPEARE (PLAYOFF) begins..............................................................................8
SCENE 3: NICK AND BEA'S HOUSE.......................................................................................................... 8
(#6 - RIGHT HAND MAN begins.).......................................................................................................11
♫ RIGHT HAND MAN ♫.........................................................................................................................11
#7 – MAN, I HATE SHAKESPEARE (REPRISE) NIGEL: I love you, brother. NICK: I love you, too. Get
some sleep. NIGEL: Okay...................................................................................................................12
♫ MAN, I HATE SHAKESPEARE (REPRISE) ♫...........................................................................................12
SCENE 4: SOOTHSAYER ALLEY.............................................................................................................. 13
#7 – MAN, I HATE SHAKESPEARE (REPRISE).......................................................................................14
♫ A MUSICAL ♫....................................................................................................................................14
#9 A MUSICAL (TAG)..........................................................................................................................17
SCENE 5: A SOUTH LONDON STREET (OUTSIDE THE THEATRE)..............................................................17
#10 BROTHER JEREMIAH...................................................................................................................17
NIGEL Okay, come on , Nigel. Big idea for a who…Oh for a muse of fire…Oof! Sorry... I wasn't looking
where I was.......................................................................................................................................17
#11 - PORTIA AND NIGEL MEET begins..............................................................................................17
#12 - THE BLACK DEATH begins..........................................................................................................18
♫ THE BLACK DEATH ♫.........................................................................................................................18
SCENE 6: THE THEATRE....................................................................................................................... 19
♫ I LOVE THE WAY ♫.............................................................................................................................22
SCENE 8: THE PARK............................................................................................................................. 24
#15 – WILL POWER begins.................................................................................................................24
#16 – WILL POWER (PLAYOFF)...........................................................................................................27
(Shakespeare exits as the CROWD moves away from the stage. NIGEL and
PORTIA move downstage and look around in awe.).......................................................27
#18 - SHAKESPEARE'S AFTER PARTY 2 begins.....................................................................................28
(#19 - SHAKESPEARE'S AFTER PARTY 3 begins.).................................................................................28
#20 - SHAKESPEARE INCIDENTAL begins............................................................................................29
SCENE 9: SOOTHSAYER ALLEY.............................................................................................................. 30
(#21 - NICK BOTTOM'S GONNA BE ON TOP begins.)..........................................................................31
♫ NICK BOTTOM’S GONNA BE ON TOP ♫.............................................................................................31

Page | 1
 Q TOS..............................................................................................................................................34
#22- TO SHAKESPEARE’S STUDY.........................................................................................................34
SCENE 10: SHAKESPEARE’S STUDY....................................................................................................... 34
#23- HARD TO BE THE BARD (PLAYOFF).............................................................................................35
SCENE 11: THE THEATRE...................................................................................................................... 35
(#24 - IT'S EGGS begins.)....................................................................................................................35
♫ IT’S EGGS ♫.......................................................................................................................................35
#25 - PORTIA INCIDENTAL begins.......................................................................................................37
SCENE 12: UNDER LONDON BRIDGE.................................................................................................... 37
#26 - WE SEE THE LIGHT begins.........................................................................................................38
♫ WE SEE THE LIGHT ♫.........................................................................................................................38
#27 - WE SEE THE LIGHT (PLAYOFF)...................................................................................................41
♫ NIGEL’S THEME ♫..............................................................................................................................42
SCENE 13: THE THEATRE...................................................................................................................... 43
#29 - TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE begins.......................................................................................43
♫ TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE ♫.......................................................................................................44
#30 - TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE (PLAYOFF)..................................................................................45
SCENE 14: A LONDON STREET............................................................................................................. 45
SCENE 15: ON STAGE AT THE THEATRE................................................................................................. 45
#31 SOMETHING ROTTEN BEGINS.....................................................................................................46
♫ SOMETHING ROTTEN ♫....................................................................................................................46
♫ MAKE AN OMELETTE ♫.....................................................................................................................47
(#33 - INTO THE COURTROOM begins.).............................................................................................50
SCENE 16: COURTROOM..................................................................................................................... 50
#34 TO THINE OWN SELF (REPRISE)...................................................................................................51
♫ TO THINE OWN SELF (REPRISE) ♫.....................................................................................................51
#35 SHAKESPEARE IN COURT 1..........................................................................................................51
#36 - SHAKESPEARE IN COURT 2 begins.............................................................................................52
SCENE 17: NEW AMERICAN COLONY................................................................................................... 53
#37 - WELCOME TO AMERICA begins................................................................................................53
♫ WELCOME TO AMERICA.....................................................................................................................53
#38 BOWS..........................................................................................................................................54
#39 EXIT MUSIC.................................................................................................................................54

Page | 2
#1 OVERTURE begins

SCENE 1: A SOUTH LONDON STREET (IN 1595)

(There's a curtain on which hangs a large banner that reads: SOMETHING
ROTTEN Curtain rises, revealing Tudor buildings, theater front, and
TOWNSPEOPLE dressed in Renaissance attire.)

#2 - WELCOME TO THE. RENAISSANCE fins.

Q1.5 TOS SPOT AT CENTER

WELCOME TO THE. RENAISSANCE ♫

Welcome to the renaissance
With poets, painters and bon vivants
And merry minstrels, who
Stroll the streets of London
A-strumming their lutes
And puffy pants and pointy leather boots

Welcome to the renaissance

Where we ooh and aah here
With ambiance
We’re so progressive
The latest and the greatest
We bring it to you
With much ado
Welcome to the renaissance
Where everything is new

Here we’ve made advances in the sciences

We have the latest gadgets and appliances
Our mugs are made of pewter
Our houses all are Tudor
Decorated with a modern flair

See us in our petticoats and farthingales

Our trendy beards we trim to look like swallow tails

We’re called Elizabethans

They’re all a bunch of heathens
Heathens heading straight for you-know-where

While witches are burning and wars tend to start

We bring you moments of culture and art
(culture and art)

Page | 3
Welcome to the renaissance
Where our printing press has the fancy fonts
That’s right we’re fancy
And very literary
Theatrical too
It’s what we do
Welcome to the renaissance
Where everything is new

DANCE BREAK

And we have a list of writers who

Are always writing something new
It’s true we do
Like who?
Like who?!

Like Dekker
(whoo)
John Webster
(whoo)
Ben Jonson
(uh huh)

And our brightest star yo

He’s the bomb
The soul of the age
The wiz of the Elizabethan stage
He’s incredible
Unforgettable
He’s just so freakin’ awesome
Shakespeare!
Shakespeare!

We love him
We love him
We love him
We love him
We love him
We love him
We love him

Welcome to the renaissance

Page | 4
Not the one in italy or in france
No one in england
The one where william shakespeare
Is cream of the crop
The one where william shakespeare is the top

Welcome to the renaissance

The 16th century experience
The age that’s golden
The olden days are over
We bid them adieu
Well hallelu-

Welcome to the renaissance

Where everything is new
Where everything is new
Welcome to the renaissance
Where everything is new

‘Cause Renaissance means re-birth! Q3.5

BUMP
Q3.7 BLACKOUT
Q3.8 SCENE TRANSITION
Q TOS
#3 - WELCOME TO THE RENAISSANCE (PLAYOFF) begins

♫ WELCOME TO THE RENAISSANCE (PLAYOFF) ♫

Welcome to the Renaissance
Where not ev’ryone’s getting what he wants
it’s so frustrating.
“Cause if your name is Shakespeare,
you’re hotter than hot.
But if you’re any other writer then you’re not.

SCENE 2: THE THEATRE

(Inside the theater, NICK BOTTOM steps forward, standing center. He is
flanked by his TROUPE.)

Q3.9 TOS
NICK love do bind.
Oh noble kinsmen that royal blood and See now thy own succor, and flee thy

Page | 5
native land. Oh, it’s bad, isn’t it? I don’t even know
To die today twill not be done til dawn. why you let write with you.
Ta-tee ta-tum, da-dee-da-dum and who NICK
talks like this? Nigel, it’s good! I’m starting to believe
this is gonna be the Bottom Brothers’
Nigel, why can’t we just write like we
first hit.
speak?
LORD CLAPHAM
TOM SNOUT Pity we have to shut it down!
Yeah. I haven’t understood a single word NICK
in our last three plays Lord Clapham. What do you mean – shut
it down?
NICK LORD CLAPHAM
Robin, why are you wearing a dress? Guess whose next production is going to
ROBIN be The Tragedy of Richard the 2nd??
I thought you said this was dress NIGEL
rehearsal. Shakespeare??
PETER QUINCES
NICK Why is he doing Richard the 2nd?? He just
Yeah. But you’re playing a soldier, so you did Richard the 3rd! Who goes
should be in uniform. backwards?!
ROBIN NIGEL
Ohhhhhhh. So that’s what rehearsals He breaks convention. That’s why he’s so
means. great.
PETER QUINCE NICK
Hey Nick, I have a question about Well, he can’t do Richard the 2nd because
motivation… we’re doing Richard the 2nd
NICK LORD CLAPHAM
Yes…? Not anymore. And as your patron I paid
PETER QUINCE for an original play, so no more money –
Why haven’t you given up yet? unless I hear a new idea – on the
NICK morrow!
Peter! This new play is working, it just TOM SNOUT
needs a little extra something. I think that means ‘tomorrow’
NIGEL NICK
Um…I did write some ideas in my Lord Clapham, please…
notebook last night.. LORD CLAPHAM
NICK Write something original – like the Bard!
Well, let me read it.
NIGEL NICK
It's probably terrible. The “bard”. Why is he the Bard? He’s uh
NICK bard. Just like I’m a bard, you’re a bard.
Let me see! HE”S JUST ONE OF THE BARDS!
“Let me talk of graves, of worms, of
Q5
epitaphs…”
NIGEL #4 – MAN, I HATE SHAKESPEARE

Page | 6
 ♫ MAN, I HATE SHAKESPEARE ♫
NICK: Man, I hate Shakespeare!
That’s right, I said it!
NIGEL: No!
NICK: I do! I hate Shakespeare!
NIGEL: Why?
NICK: I just don’t get it
How a mediocre actor from a measly little town
Is suddenly the brightest jewel in England’s royal crown
Oh Man I hate Shakespeare
His plays are wordy but OH NO!
The “great” Shakespeare!
Can’t hear the snoring from the
Catatonic audience, he makes them feel so dumb. And doesn’t seem to care that all their bums
are getting numb!

THE TROUPE: How can you say that?

How can you say that? The man really knows how to write an awesome play! You wish you
could pen one we wish we were in one.

NICK: I just wish that he would go away!

NIGEL: But he’s brilliant

What majesty flows from his pen
His poetry soars like a sweet violin
Man’s own inspiration like lightning doth strike him
And he captures my soul!

NICK (speaking): Jeez, you sound just like him!

NIGEL (speaking): Really? Thanks…
NIGEL: Because everyone thinks he’s the greatest writer England has ever known!

NICK
And that’s ANOTHER thing I hate about Shakespeare!
Is all the twits who bloviate about Shakespeare!
And how they prattle on about his great accomplishments, well la-di-da-di-dah!
And once they start their gushing there’s no stopping them
And then it’s “blah blah blah blah blah Shakespeare!”
And he walks in, it’s “dum da dum ta da Shakespeare!”
He’s holding court and they say “Will you’re such a genius and your writing is divine,
A rose by any other name is such a clever line!”
And they’re all “ooh!” and he’s all “stop” and they’re all “yay” and I’m all “ugh”

Page | 7
And I’m REALLY getting sick of it!
And oh, oh, oh, oh, I HATE SHAKESPEARE!

THE TROUPE
I think by now we sort of know you hate Shakespeare!

NICK
Shmakespeare!
The way he feigns humility when all he does is gloat
The way he wears that silly frilly collar ‘round his throat
Let me make a shorter list so I can give it to you straight:
Every little thing about Shakespeare
Is what I hate!

THE TROUPE (overlapping)

He hates! He hates! He clearly surely really truly hates Shakespeare!

NIGEL (speaking): Don’t hate!

PETER QUINCE
Nick, do we still have a job!?

TROUPE
Yeah, what are we gonna do!/ Where will you find a patron? What show are we doing now!/I'm
hungry! (etc.)

NICK
It's ok...(They quiet. )I'll take care of it. Come back tomorrow and we'll have a new idea.

#5 - MAN, I HATE SHAKESPEARE (PLAYOFF) begins.

(They exit, muttering nervously.)

Q61 BLACKOUT
Q6.2 TRANSITION
Q6.3 TOS

SCENE 3: NICK AND BEA'S HOUSE

(NICK) sickly little brother, on your back all the
New idea... new idea... we need a new way from Cornwall.
idea.
NICK
NIGEL No. We gotta think bigger! The world is
I still say we should write our life story - changing - you know, some people are
how you, at age 14, carried me, your saying the world's actually round not flat!
(They look at each other for a

Page | 8
moment and then burst out NICK
laughing.) Wow, I had no idea. But I can't, it's illegal.
I know, it's ridiculous. But big new ideas If I let you invest, we'd both be hanged in
are all the rage - and that's what we front of an angry mob.
need. Something new.
SHYLOCK
(SHYLOCK enters.) At least you'd finally have an audience.
SHYLOCK Take the weekend.
NICHOLAS BOTTOM.
Mull it over. Because on Monday, your
NICK interest doubles.
Shylock! What are you doing at my
house? (SHYLOCK exits. NIGEL is now at
the table eating from a bowl.
SHYLOCK BEA is at the cast iron kettle
Your debt is due. over the fire. NICK crosses to
them.)
(BEA enters and crosses to the
NICK
fire. NICK pulls SHYLOCK off to
Hello, darling. How was your day?
the side so NIGEL and BEA can't
hear the discussion.) BEA
NICK Interesting. I went to the stocks and
Shhhh... I've, uh.. hit a little setback with watched the mob throw cabbages at the
the play. But - l you give me another criminals.
week - I'll name a character after you.
NICK
SHYLOCK Why? You hate all that stuff.
Too late. Shakespeare already promised
that. I can see it now. "Shylock. A really BEA
nice guy;" Hey Here's a better idea. Cut I know, it was awful, (handing him a
me in as an investor in your play and I'll bowl) Boiled cabbage?
cancel your debt. NIGEL
NICK I think it's delicious.
You're not a patron, you're a BEA
moneylender! Aw, thanks Nige. There would've been
SHYLOCK meat, but the landlord came by
I know, cause that's the only job the demanding the rent - took our last
queen will let me do! (then) shilling right out of my hand. Then I was
gonna surprise you with some mutton-
And I hate it. I-hate-it, I-hate-it, I-hate-it! but sheep are fast.
But what I love - is the theater. I love the
sights, the smells, the roar of the crowd, NICK
the smell of the fruits as it hits the Wait, wh— you chased a SHEEP? Alright,
actors! I LOVE IT, I TELL that's it.

(shaking NICK)
I-love-it I-love-it I-love-it!!

Page | 9
(He pushes away from the table (BEA cries.)
and heads for a wooden lockbox Oh. I'm sorry.
on the mantle.)
BEA BEA
(QUICKLY STOPS CRYING)
What are you doing?
GOTCHA. SEE, I CAN ACT.
NICK
NICK
I'm just...
You know it's illegal to put women
(He grabs the money box. She onstage.
quickly takes it away.)
BEA NIGEL
No! We've been through this, we do not And anyway, our play's been cancelled.
touch the money box! BEA
(She puts it back.) What?
NICK NICK
Come on, Bea... we shouldn't have to live Not cancelled, Nige. I mean, yes, we are
like this. You deserve better. no longer doing Richard the 2nd but only
BEA because we've come up with... a better
And so do you - we all do, and that's idea!
what we're saving for. A Simple cottage in BEA
the country, for all of us. You, me, a Oooh, what is it?
couple of kids... a room for Nigel and
maybe his wife one day?... NICK
Well, we've had the idea that - we need
NIGEL (embarrassed) an idea.
Oh, stop it,
BEA
BEA Then let me help you! I'll go out and earn
That's why I was thinking - I should get a some money and that'll take the pressure
job. off you guys.
NICK NICK
What? No, if you get a job, that will just Bea, listen...
make me feel like a failure. None of the BEA
other writers' wives have jobs. No, you listen. Cause I just want to make
BEA things better and I need to know that you
Well, they should. This is the nineties! understand…
We've got a woman on the throne, and
by the year 1600, women will be Q10
completely equal to men. Ooh! I just
Q XX : TO Song and SPOT
thought of the perfect job for me. I could
be in your play!
(#6 - RIGHT HAND MAN begins.)
NICK
What? You can't act.

Page | 10
 ♫ RIGHT HAND MAN ♫
If you ever got in trouble
I would be there on the double
Just to bail you out

If there's anything you lack

You know I've always got your back
Thats what its all about

Think of me as your sidekick

Helping you whenever I can
I'm more than just a woman, baby
When the pressure's coming baby
Let me be your right hand man

NICK
Can we change the subject please?

If you're ever in a fix

And its a fix you need to nix
Then I'm your go to guy
(You're not a guy)
Don't be so literal

And don't forget I'm not a shrinking violet

A solid rock am I
So don't be thinking I'll crumble
When the you know what hits the fan

There's no problem thats to big

When your married thats the gig
So don't be a sexist pig

Is it asking to much of you

It's only cuz I love you
Let me be your right
In fact I'll show you that I'm right

(What are you doing now?)

I'm going to get you boys some meat

Let me be your right hand man

Let me be your right hand man Q11.5 BUMP!
Q11.7 RESTORE

Page | 11
NIGEL
Wow. That’s so nice. I’d love to have someone do stuff like that for me. I think it’s sweet.
NICK
It’s humiliating. That’s why we need a new idea. One great idea can turn everything around.
OH, and we need it by tomorrow.
NIGEL
Tomorrow?? Oh my..
I just …don’t think I can write under this sort of pressure.
NICK
It's okay. Breathe, breathe. I’ll see what I can come up with and we’ll start again first thing in the
morning.
NIGEL
Okay – sorry Nick.

#7 – MAN, I HATE SHAKESPEARE (REPRISE)

NIGEL: I love you, brother.

NICK: I love you, too. Get some sleep.
NIGEL: Okay
Q12 TOP OF SONG
♫ MAN, I HATE SHAKESPEARE (REPRISE) ♫
NICK: Man, I hate Shakespeare!
but when I sit and really contemplate Shakespeare, I guess I hate the fact that he is everything
I ever dreamed that I could be. I mostly hate the way he makes me feel about me.
If I could only have one tiny little smidgen of his notoriety
It could relieve me from the pressures of responsibility..
I’ve got to make it happen, gotta find that pot of gold.
If there was just some way to know just what the future holds
What the future holds!

Q12.3 BLACKOUT
Q12.4 BLUE
Q12.5 TOS

SCENE 4: SOOTHSAYER ALLEY

ASTROLOGER ASTROLOGER
Tarot cards! Palm readings! Nobert the Knowing. Supposed to be the
best.
NICK
NICK
Hey. I’m looking for a sooth sayer.

Page | 12
Out of business due to unforeseen NOSTRADAMUS
circumstances. So not the very best. Getting to that..Whoa! What spectacle! I
NOSTRADAMUS have seen the future! The biggest, most
Did I hear a need for future seeing? If fantastic thing in theater will be…
seeing is what you need then I can help MUSICALS.
you. IF help is what you need, then I can
see you. If neither is what you need, NICK
then I can forsee you leaving very shortly. What?
NOSTRADAMUS
NICK
Musicals.
Who are you?
NOSTRADAMUS NICK
I am Nostradamus. What the heck are musicals?

NICK
NOSTRADAMUS
Not THE Nostradamus
It appears to be a play where the
dialogue stops and the plot is conveyed
NOSTRADAMUS
through song
No. I’m his niece – Nancy.

NICK NICK
Nancy Nostradamus? Through song?

NOSTRADAMUS NOSTRADAMUS
Yes! But I share the same gifts as my Yes.
esteemed uncle. And for half a crown, I’ll
share those gifts with you. NICK
Excellent! Now – what is it you would like An actor is saying his lines and out of
the future to tell? nowhere he just starts singing?
NICK
I want you to look into the future and tell NOSTRADAMUS Yes!
me…what will the next big thing in
theater be?
#7 – MAN, I HATE SHAKESPEARE
NOSTRADAMUS (REPRISE)
Right. Stand back. Give me some space.

NOSTRADAMUS
Oh. Oh my. Wow. Oooh, in the future,
the theaters are very niiiice. Cushy red
seats, ushers, people opening candies
wrapped in magical clear papers that’s
annoyingly noisy…

NICK
How about what’s on the stage?

Page | 13
 Q1

♫ A MUSICAL ♫
NICK:
Well that is the
(Singing) Stupidest thing that I have ever heard
You're doing a play, got something to say
So you sing it?
It's absurd
Who on earth is going to sit there while an actor breaks into song
And what possible thought could the audience think
Other than "This is horribly wrong"

NOSTRADAMUS (Spoken): Remarkably? They won't think that

NICK (Spoken:) Seriously? Why not?

NOSTRADAMUS
Because it's a musical
A musical
And nothing's as amazing as a musical
With song and dance
And sweet romance
And happy endings happening by happenstance
Bright lights, stage fights, and a dazzling chorus
You wanna be great?
Then you gotta create a musical

NICK (Spoken):
I don't know
I find it hard to believe that people would actually pay to see something like this

NOSTRADAMUS: Really? Think about it.

NOSTRADAMUS
They could go see a drama, with all that trauma and pain,
Or go see something relaxing and less taxing on the brain.

CHORUS
Go see a musical, a musical, a puffy piece releasing all your bluesicals
Where crooners croon a catchy tune and limber leggy ladies thrill ya till ya swoon.
Oohs, ahhs, and applause, with a standing ovation, the future is bright, if you can just write a
musical

Page | 14
NOSTRADAMUS:
Some musicals have no talking at all

NICK (Spoken): No talking at all?

NOSTRADAMUS:
That's right
There's no talking
All of the dialogue is sung
In a very dramatic fashion

NICK (Spoken): Um, really?

NOSTRADAMUS: Yes, really

NICK (Spoken): There's no talking

NOSTRADAMUS:
There's no talking
And they often stay on one note for a very long time
So that when they change to a different note, you notice
And it's supposed to create a dramatic effect
But mostly you just sit there asking yourself
"Why aren't they talking?"

NICK (Spoken): That sounds miserable

NOSTRADAMUS: I believe it's pronounced Misérable

NICK (Spoken): And people actually like this?

NOSTRADAMUS:
(Spoken) No, they love it!
Whoa, wait!
Another vision, I haven’t even told you the best part!
Feel that fascinating rhythm move into your feet.

NICK: Umm what is that?

NOSTRADAMUS:
Feel your gyrating to that scintillating beat (Are you okay?)
You slap your lap
And finger snap
That's when you know it's time to tap

NICK (Spoken): What the hell are you doing now?

Page | 15
NOSTRADAMUS (Spoken):
It's called a dance break
Apparently this happens in musicals as well
People on stage just burst into spontaneous dance

DANCE BREAK

NICK (Spoken): Why? Does it advance the plot?

NOSTRADAMUS No
NICK Develop character?
NOSTRADAMUS Nope!
NICK Then why do it?
NOSTRADAMUS (Spoken): Because ---

it's entertaining! 5, 6, 7, 8

(Then they freeze in a pose as piano plays an homage to 525,600 MINUTES)

Stand back!
It's a musical for us!

NOSTRADAMUS:
A big and shiny,
Mighty fine-y, glitter, glitz, and chorus line-y
Bob your head and shake your hiney
Musical
It's a musical (It's a musical)
It is a musical (It's a musical)

NICK:
(Spoken) Yes! I get it now!
We'll do a musical (No kidding)
A musical
What could be more amazing than a musical
With song and dance
And sweet romance
And with a musical we might have half a chance
Cross my heart, hope to die if it isn't a doozy
Take it from me
They'll be flocking to see
Your star lit
Won't quit
Big hit musical!
A big hit musical!

Page | 16
NICK
You really think that’ll work?

NOSTRADAMUS
Actually, sometimes it works so well, you do the end of the exact song, AGAIN!

#9 A MUSICAL (TAG)
5, 6, 7, 8
They'll be flocking to see
Your star lit
Won't quit
Big hit musical!

Q BLACKOUT
Q SCENE TRANSITION
Q TOS

SCENE 5: A SOUTH LONDON STREET (OUTSIDE THE THEATRE)

#10 BROTHER JEREMIAH
NIGEL NIGEL
Okay, come on , Nigel. Big idea for a Uh-huh.
who…Oh for a muse of fire…Oof! (They stare into each other's
Sorry... I wasn't looking where I was... eyes.)
BROTHER JEREMIAH
PORTIA
Portia! Come away from that heathen at
No, that was my fault, I had my head in
once!
the
(She snaps out of it as her father,
#11 - PORTIA AND NIGEL MEET BROTHER JEREMIAH, a over his
begins. shoulder.)
Puritan, pulls her away. NICK
Is this a poem? enters with a lute strapped
NIGEL NICK
Uh-huh. Nigel! There you are. Big news.

PORTIA NIGEL
Are you... a poet? Me, too. I think I'm in love.

NIGEL (NIGEL points to PORTIA - who is

Uh-huh. standing next to BROTHER
JEREMIAH)
PORTIA NICK
I love poetry. And the way poets use With a Puritan!? Are you mad?? DO YOU
lyrical language to express the beauty of KNOW WHO HER FATHER IS?
life.

Page | 17
 (BROTHER JEREMIAH stands NICK
flanked by PORTIA OTHER A musical. It's a play with songs - but the
PURITANS as he preaches like a songs advance the plot as they
crazed street and evangelist. seamlessly segue from dialogue into
BROTHER JEREMIAH singing.
Brethren, I say unto thee... the theaters (NIGEL thinks about it for a
are a scourge upon our land! They are beat.)
vile cesspits! Dens of iniquity! Sewers of NIGEL
the soul! That... Is... The most... Amazing idea.
How better to express the inner longings
NICK (to NIGEL)
of the human soul than with music? And
Wow. You really want that guy giving a
you're always writing songs on your lute.
speech at your wedding reception?
NICK
BROTHER JEREMIAH
AND ALL YOUR POEMS? THERE'S YOUR
(APPROACHING NICK AND NIGEL)
LYRICS!
Let not thy sacred soul be poisoned by
the playwrights and poets whose dark NIGEL
invention diverts simple minds from the It's perfect for us! How did you come up
one true book! with it?
(Exiting, he takes PORTIA by the NICK
arm. She throws NIGEL one last (quickly diverting question)
glance before she exits.) That's - not important. We just need to
NICK figure out what it's about. Something big,
Forget about her. It'll never work. Now epic, world-changing. (suddenly hit
listen. You know the big idea we're with an idea)
looking for? Well, i've got it. We'll do - a
musical! I've got it!

NIGEL
A what? #12 - THE BLACK DEATH begins.

♫ THE BLACK DEATH ♫

NICK
Yes! Why didn’t I think of this before?

NIGEL
What?!

NICK
The most significant historical event in the last thousand years!
(Lights out on them and up on troupe who appear on the stage behind them)

Page | 18
SCENE 6: THE THEATRE
TROUPE:
What's that coming up the Silk Road
Out of China?
The Black Death, Black Death, woo!

Mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm
The Black Death, Black Death woo!
The Black Death
It's gonna get ya
It's the Black Death,
It's gonna hit ya with those blisters,
Oozing like syrup
That pesty little pestilence is killing half of Europe
It's the Black Death
And it's coming for you
Black Death!

Q
(NICK turns to LORD CLAPHAM, who watched the number.)

NICK NICK
Well, m'lord? What do you think? Almost everyone. Brother Jeremiah?
LORD CLAPHAM What brings you here?
They're singing.
BROTHER JEREMIAH
NICK As if theater wasn't heinous enough,
Right. That's what you do in a musical. you've now added music
- which leads to dancing, which we
LORD CLAPHAM
Puritans cannot abide. So you listen to
But they're singing about the plague!
this, Master Bottom. If you continue
NICK promoting this filth, I will throw you in
I know! Shakespeare would never do the stocks and have the mob throw
something like this! cabbages at you.

LORD CLAPHAM NICK

Because it's a terrible idea! Great! Dinner!

NICK BROTHER JEREMIAH

No, trust me! Everyone will love it! Good day, sir.

(BROTHER JEREMIAH and his (The PURITANS exit. PORTIA

PURITANS enter.) throws one last look at NIGEL.)
BROTHER JEREMIAH LORD CLAPHAM
Nick and Nigel Bottom! That's it. I'm out. That man is a
magistrate! He could ruin my reputation

Page | 19
with the queen! I am sorry, gentlemen, I BEA (still in accent)
must withdraw my patronage. Good day. Don't know what yer talkin' about, lad.
Name's Johnny.
NICK
Please, sire, you can’t. UGHHHHHH. NICK
Bea, I know it's you.
PETER, ROBIN, SNUG, TOM
BEA
How are we going to get paid? What are
But I fooled you for a second, didn't I?
we going to do now?
Told you I could act!
NICK
NICK
I’ll take care of it.
What are you doing dressed like that?

SCENE 7: A SOUTH LONDON BEA

Remember that job I mentioned? Turns
STREET
out all the good ones are for men. And
besides, I know you need help because
(TOWNSPEOPLE enter and
mingle and shop at the market you said, "I don't need help."
stalls and shop fronts. NIGEL is NICK
starting to hyperventilate.) Bea, this just makes me feel— (sniffing)
NIGEL Is that a bucket of poop??
Nick! We just lost our patron! BEA
NICK Uh-huh.
Breathe, breathe, walk it off. Bear poop! And I've been
promoted...This morning, I didn't have a
(A group of WORKERS file in. bucket! And look. Already made a penny.
NICK bumps into BEA, who is I'm gonna put it in the money box.
disguised as a man carrying a
bucket.) NICK
BEA (MAN'S VOICE; THICK ACCENT) No! I mean... I'll do it.
Watch it, ya daft eejit!!
FOREMAN
NICK YO! BEAR-POOP BOY!
Sorry, sir. Beg your pardon.
(FOREMAN motions her to follow,
BEA then leaves.)
(MAN'S VOICE) BEA
NO PROBLEM, MATE. Hear that? I have a job title! And one day
it'll be "bear-poop woman!" Keep
NICK writing. I love you, luv!
Wait a minute...
(BEA hurries off. NICK turns.
(turns back around) NIGEL is there.)
Bea? NIGEL
Nick! What are we going to

Page | 20
NICK (melodramatically; to the
Keep writing. I'll be back. heavens)
OH, IS THERE NO PITY IN THE CLOUDS
NIGEL THAT SEES INTO THE BOTTOM OF MY
What?? Alone?? GRIEF?!
NICK NIGEL
Nigel, please, I need you, now more than Romeo and Juliet, act 3, scene 5.
ever. I've got to go find us a new backer
and that means you need to come up PORTIA
with a new idea. You've seen it?

(NICK exits in a huff.) NIGEL

NIGEL Six times, And you?
Yes, you can. Yes, you can.
PORTIA
(He sits, tries to write.)
Eight! If my father knew, he would
Uggggh, no you can't.
disown me.
(He stands to leave and is
stopped by A WOMAN IN A NIGEL
CLOAK (PORTIA).) My brother, too.
Oh. Good day, mistress. PORTIA
PORTIA I adore Shakespeare.
"Good days were those when lit with NIGEL
love, till dusk of death did herald Me, too! I've got a Comedy of Errors, first
th'eternal night." edition.
NIGEL PORTIA
Hey - I wrote that. I've got "Sonnet Number 1." Signed!
(The WOMAN IN A CLOAK turns NIGEL
and lowers her hood, revealing Wow!
herself to be PORTIA.)
PORTIA PORTIA
Yes, I know. I accidentally took this after I know! Heh-heh...
our first encounter. Your sonnet. It's -
NIGEL
perfection.
Heh-heh... that's awesome...
NIGEL
(They giggle together - a pause.)
Really? You thought it was... good?
PORTIA
PORTIA I think you're his equal - if not better.
It... spoke to my soul. Forgive me. Poetry
NIGEL
is forbidden in my house, especially
What??? No way.
poems of earthly love.
PORTIA
Oh yes. Your sonnet has Shakespearean
sophistication mixed with the complexity

Page | 21
of Daniel Webster and the sensitivity of
Samuel Danie (#14 - I LOVE THE WAY begins.)

♫ I LOVE THE WAY ♫

PORTIA:
I love Sidney, and Marlow,
And often I borrow their words to express how I feel.
I love poems of mystery,
Fantasy, history, oh what seductive appeal.

Oh, every time I hear a perfect rhyme I get all tingly

Because I know,
That to find a perfect rhyme is not an easy, thingly.

I love places that words let me go

I love the way that your words move me so
No words have touched me the way that yours do
And I love…
Youuuuu are really doing something to me mister poetry man
Forgive me, I never get to discuss poems in this way

NIGEL
Oh it’s okay,
I just never knew that poetry could affect someone the way it affects me

PORTIA:
Me neither

BOTH:
I love the places that words let me go,
I love the way that your words move me so
I love, that you feel, the same way I do
And I love,
You know that I love,
You know that I love,

NIGEL (spoken):
Me too!
Q END OF SONG
Q RESTORE

NIGEL (He pulls out a piece of paper.)

Okay, I want to show you something.

Page | 22
I keep it hidden from my brother. It's a (SHYLOCK enters.)
letter. To me. From the Bard. Saying he SHYLOCK
has received my sonnet. Hello, Nick, Ready to reconsider my
offer?
PORTIA
You sent Shakespeare a sonnet? And he's NICK
read it?? No, Shylock.

NIGEL SHYLOCK
Well, he said he would. Come on, Nick – Let me help you!

PORTIA NICK
You know him!!? I’m not that desparate.

NIGEL
SHYLOCK
Um, kind of. He was in the same acting
Really? You have no show, no patron, and
troupe as my brother, but I was just a kid
your brother is at a private recitation
then. It's not like he knows who I am or
with William Shakespeare.
anything.
NICK
(MESSENGER enters.)
What!?
MESSENGER
Master Nigel Bottom? SHYLOCK
It’s invitation only. And guess who has an
NIGEL
invitation?
Yes? (Shylock shows his invitation.
MESSENGER They exit
An invitation, from Master Shakespeare -
to be his personal guest at a recitation in Q BLACKOUT
the park. Q TRANSITION
NIGEL Q TOS
Shakespeare in the park?

(NIGEL turns to MESSENGER.)

Can she be my plus-one?

(NIGEL, PORTIA, and

MESSENGER exit. NICK enters
from the opposite side looking
for NIGEL.)
NICK
Nigel! Nigel! Have you come up with a
new...

SCENE 8: THE PARK

Page | 23
#15 – WILL POWER begins
CROWD:
We want Will! x12

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, all the way from Stratford-upon-Avon, the King of
Couplets, the Sultan of Sonnets, the man who put the I AM in iambic pentameter, put your
hands together for the one, the only - WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE!

(WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE steps through the fog. CROWD goes wild!)

Crowd:
We want Will!
We want Will!
We want Will!

SHAKESPEARE: Thank you! Is it good to see me or what!?

1ST PERSON IN CROWD: Do "Sonnet 18"!

2ND PERSON IN CROWD: Do "Kingdom for a horse"! 3rd PERSON IN CROWD: I love you, Will!

SHAKESPEARE: Okay, okay - here's one for all you beautiful Tudors out there, a little sonnet
that's been very good to me. Let's see if you know it.

SHAKESPEARE:
Shall I compare thee

CROWD:
To a summer's day

SHAKESPEARE:
Yeah!
Thou art more lovely and more temperate
And the rough winds shake the darling buds of May, yeah
And summer's lease

CROWD:
Hath all too short a date

SHAKESPEARE:
I adore the adoration
Though others may abhor it
It's quite a new sensation
What shall we call it?

Page | 24
CROWD:
Will Power

SHAKESPEARE:
I am the will of the people now

CROWD:
He is the will of the people now
Will Power

SHAKESPEARE:
I am the will of the people now

CROWD:
He is the will

SHAKESPEARE:
Can you feel it? (Yeah, woo)

SHAKESPEARE: Aw. I’m feeling it too. Do you want more?

CROWD: Yeah!!
SHAKESPEARE: When do you want it? Tomorrow?
CROWD: NO!!
SHAKESPEARE: Later?
CROWD: NO!!

SHAKESPEARE
Let me hear you say now! (Now!)
Let me hear you say now is! (Now is!)
Let me hear you say now is the! (Now is the!)
Oh do it with me
Now is the winter of our discontent

CROWD:
Now is the winter of our discontent

SHAKESPEARE:
Made glorious summer by this sun of York

CROWD:
Made glorious summer by this sun of York

Page | 25
SHAKESPEARE:
Let me hear you say
Glorious (Glorious)
Do you mean me? (Glorious)
Well I can't be (Glorious)
Now let me see g-l-o-r-i-o-u-s
Who fits that bill?

CROWD:
It's Will!

SHAKESPEARE:
Yes
There's a fever going round
Has anybody caught it?

CROWD:
We're shaking it with Shakespeare!

SHAKESPEARE:
Methinks you got it

CROWD:
Will Power

SHAKESPEARE:
I am the will of the people now

CROWD:
He is the will of the people now
Will Power

SHAKESPEARE:
I am the will of the people now

CROWD:
He is the will

SHAKESPEARE:
I am the name you wanna see up on the bill (Will, Will)
I am the swan of the Avon,
(Beautiful swan. The one in Stratford)
The chosen one that heaven smiled upon
(Thank you God!)
If you wanna see perfection on any given day,
You know what they say

Page | 26
When there's a will, there's a way (Will Power)
When there's a will, there's a way (Will Power)
Will Power (Will Power!)
Good night
Good night
Parting is such sweet sorrow

Q END OF SONG
Q BLACKOUT
Q SCENE TRANS
Q BACK ON WITH MUGS

#16 – WILL POWER (PLAYOFF)

(Shakespeare exits as the CROWD moves away from the stage. NIGEL and
PORTIA move downstage and look around in awe.)
NIGEL prestigious prodigy. (to ATTENDANT)
Look over there. It’s Thomas Middleton. Oooh, that was a lot of alliteration—
(singing it)
PORTIA OCCUPATIONAL HA-ZARD!
And he’s talking to Edmund Spenser. And (back to NIGEL)
ohmygosh, ohmygosh….look who just So - Nicky Bottom's little brother. His
walked in! "secret weapon," all grown up. And who
is this delightful damsel, this maiden fair,
NIGEL, PORTIA this feast for the eyes?
Francis Bacon!
NIGEL
NIGEL Oh, um... This is Portia.
Wow. It’s like – all the greatest poets of
London are right here! SHAKESPEARE
Portia. Good name.
PORTIA (PORTIA gasps and starts to
Including you. breathe quickly.)
That's right. This is happening. Just
SHAKESPEARE breathe...
Is that a young Nigel Bottom I see?!
PORTIA
#17 SHAKESPEARE’S AFTER PARTY 1 M-m-m-master Shakespeare...
(PORTIA faints.)
CROWD: Shake - speare! SHAKESPEARE
SHAKESPEARE See that? She's bedazzled. Do you like
Hi.. hi.. how are you, thanks for coming... that word? I just made it up - it's what I
good to see you. etcetera. do!
(arriving at NIGEL) #18 - SHAKESPEARE'S AFTER PARTY 2
So... Nigel Bottom - playwright, poet, and
begins.

Page | 27
CROWD: Shake - speare! SHYLOCK (offstage)
It's okay; he's my plus-one...
SHAKESPEARE
So! Nigel. What are you and that brother NICK (offstage)
of yours working on? A tragedy? A Trust me I have no desire to stay... I'm
comedy? A tragic attempt at comedy? just looking for my…
See what I did? (seeing NIGEL)
(Everyone laughs and applauds.) Brother! There you are! Why are... oh.
(seeing SHAKESPEARE,
NIGEL disgusted)
Actually, Nick doesn't want me to tell Hello, Will.
anyone what we're writing.
(SHAKESPEARE hides the
SHAKESPEARE notebook behind his back.)
Ugh! He's so paranoid. Even when I was a SHAKESPEARE
lowly actor in his sad little troupe, he was Hello, Nick. Been a long time.
so insecure. Of course, with you as his
partner, he has even more reason to be. NICK
I've read your sonnet. (long pause) Not long enough, Is that... my brother's
It's good. Quite good. I'd love to read notebook? (takes it from him)
more. Nice try.
(feigning surprise)
NIGEL
Oh - is that your folio?
He was just offering to look at my ideas.
NIGEL
NICK
What, this? Oh, this is just - a collection
Or his ideas as they'd soon be known.
of random lines and thoughts...
CROWD
SHAKESPEARE
0000000h...
Would you like me to gin sit a looky.100?
What am I saying? SHAKESPEARE
Of course you would! I'm Shakespeare! No, no, no, no, no, no... we should
actually thank this man. He was the one
(#19 - SHAKESPEARE'S AFTER PARTY who suggested I take up writing in the
3 begins.) first place.
CROWD: Shake - speare!
NICK
Because - you're a bad actor.
SHAKESPEARE (takes Nigel's
notebook, reads) Hmmm. "All the SHAKESPEARE
world's a stage..." Good line. Oh no I'm not!

(There's a commotion at the NICK

door. SHAKESPEARE steps away, Oh yes you are!
flipping through pages.)
DOORMAN (offstage) SHAKESPEARE
Hey, you're not allowed in here. Oh no I'm not!

Page | 28
NICK NICK
Oh yes you are! You are so naive! Believe me, I know
every trick in his book.
BROTHER JEREMIAH (OFFSTAGE)
OUT OF MY WAY, HEATHAN! NIGEL
Well, it was all very confusing! And now
PANICKED WOMAN she's gone and I've lost my inspiration
PURITANS!!! and the love of my life and I've got to get
her back!
(People scatter. SHAKESPEARE is
(running off)
whisked away by his men as
PORTIA!
BROTHER JEREMIAH scans the
room.) NICK
No! Nigell! We have a show to write!
BROTHER JEREMIAH URGGGGGH.
Where is she?? Where is my daughter?
PORTIA! (SHYLOCK goes to NICK.)
Hear me now. You dare to cross me and SHYLOCK
corrupt my daughter!? So. Ready to reconsider now...?
COME WITH ME! NICK
(He drags her away. NIGEL goes You know what... Why not!? Let's do it!
after them.)
SHYLOCK
NIGEL Really! I love it, I love it, I love it! So - tell
Portia! me - what's our new show about?
NICK NICK
(grabbing NIGEL)
Um, we're still... looking for that great
And you - come with me!
idea.
(He grabs NIGEL and pulls him
across the stage in the opposite SHYLOCK
direction.) Hmmm... Too bad you can't get a peek
into Shakespeare's notebook, huh?
NIGEL
Let me go! I'm not a child! Q BLACKOUT
NICK Q SCENE TRANS BLUE
Then why are you acting like one?! I told Q LIGHTS UP
you to stay away from her and now look #20 - SHAKESPEARE INCIDENTAL
what's happened - we're on the most- begins.
wanted list of a Puritan! And (This gives NICK an idea. He
Shakespeare nearly got your notebook removes his money pouch,
full of ideas - which, by the way, is the bounces it in his hand, and
only reason he invited you here. exits.)

NIGEL SCENE 9: SOOTHSAYER ALLEY

No!

Page | 29
NOSTRADAMUS (NOSTRADAMUS does a ritual -
How goes it with your musical? rubbing hands, etc. She
stumbles backwards; NICK
NICK catches her.)
Not great, actually. We're having a hard Whoa! I see it! Shakespeare's greatest
time figuring out what a musical should play!
be about.
NICK
NOSTRADAMUS Yes...?
Hair!
NOSTRADAMUS
NICK ... the one they will be talking about for
Hair? generations to come...
NOSTRADAMUS NICK
No, that would just be weird, wouldn't Yes...???
it...
NOSTRADAMUS
NICK And this play will be called...
Look, the truth is... I need an idea that is "OMELETTE"!
guaranteed to be a success. One that will
have 'em lined up around the theater! So NICK
I want you to look into the future and tell Omelette? Like with the eggs?
me... NOSTRADAMUS
(looks around again)
Yes. No wait...
What will Shakespeare's greatest play
No, that was it. Omelette. And wait!
be?
Another vision!
Something... Danish?
NOSTRADAMUS
Oooh. Are you sure you want to cross NICK
that line? Wouldn't rather just come up A danish. So... there's some sort of -
with an idea of your own? breakfast theme?

NICK NOSTRADAMUS
Of course I would! I've tried and...I can't, And wait! Wait! Ham... ham... ham -
okay? something.

NOSTRADAMUS NICK
I must warn you - for this, you will pay a Ham omelette?
great price.
NOSTRADAMUS
NICK (giving her the money bag) That must be it.
I brought every penny I own.
NICK
NOSTRADAMUS And you're sure it will be big?
That's not what I meant - but okay. Okay!
NOSTRADAMUS
It will be known as perhaps the single
greatest play ever written.

Page | 30
NICK (NOSTRADAMUS runs offstage.)
Yes!
NICK
NOSTRADAMUS
Oh man, this is gonna solve so many
Whoa! I'm getting a flood of images! So
problems! My future is suddenly looking
many...
brighter!
NICK
(#21 - NICK BOTTOM'S GONNA BE
Write 'em down! All of 'em!
ON TOP begins.)
NOSTRADAMUS
Let me get my quill!

♫ NICK BOTTOM’S GONNA BE ON TOP ♫

NICK:
No more Mr. Anonymous
No more world that is Nick Bottom-less
My name will be synonymous with being on the top

I can see it now

I'm the cat's meow
It's a hit pow!
It's gonna be great, gonna be great

Everywhere I go
They will love me so
Hail my name
Oh, it's gonna be great, gonna be great

ENSEMBLE:
Master Bottom, you're such a wonderful writer
NICK: Ooh, I can hear them now..Why thank you
If you're the star you are you couldn't be any more brighter
(Now you're just embarrassing me!)
You're a real visionary

NICK:
Thank you Jesus and Hail Mary!

ALL:
Nick Bottom's gonna be on top
Nick Bottom's gonna be on top

NICK:
Man, I'm gonna sizzle
Man, I'm gonna pop

Page | 31
ALL:
And Nick Bottom's gonna be on top

NICK:
This is heaven sent
Feeling confident
Money well spent
It's gonna be great, gonna be great

Throw a big parade

Praises will be made
Compliments paid
It's gonna be great, gonna be great

BEA:
Me and baby are so eternally grateful
(You're who I'm doing it for)
Thank you for our cottage in the woods
(You deserve it!)

NIGEL:
If gratitude were a food I'd have a big plateful
(Nice metaphor, bro)

LORD CLAPHAM / SHYLOCK / NICK

You're the greatest
You're the man

NICK:
I really shouldn't say it
But yes I am!

ALL:
Nick Bottom's gonna be on top
Nick Bottom's gonna be on top

(NOSTRADAMUS approaches. Lights change. We are out of the fantasy.)

NOSTRADAMUS: There's also a prince, and a ghost!

NICK: Write down everything you see! Because I see me. And I'm not a bard. I'm the Bard!

(We are back into Nick's fantasy. CHORUS dances around NICK.)
ENSEMBLE: He’s on top
NICK: Right where
ENSEMBLE: He’s on top

Page | 32
Nick Bottom's gonna be on top
Nick Bottom's gonna be on top
He's on top.

NICK
It's nice up here
ENSEMBLE: He’s on top
NICK: I’m enjoying the view

Wah wah wah… wah Yeah

Nick Bottom’s gonna be on top! Yeah…

Nick Bottom’s gonna be on top! Yeah…
Nick Bottom’s gonna be on top! Yeah…
Nick Bottom’s gonna be on top! Yeah…
Nick Bottom’s gonna be on top! Yeah…
Nick Bottom’s gonna be on top! Yeah…
(Lighting change. NICK is out of his fantasy and now standing in front of
NIGEL.
EYEPATCH MAN is seen upstage.)
NIGEL: You want us to write Omelette? Really? I'm not so sure about this.

NICK: Well, I am, little brother. (He hands NIGEL a mug.) So raise a glass. To Omelette. The
Musical!

Nick Bottom’s gonna be on top! Yeah…

Nick Bottom’s gonna be on top! Yeah…

Q BUMP

Q BLACKOUT
Q INTERMISSION CURTAIN LIGHTS
BACKSTAGE BLUES

INTERMISSION

Page | 33
 Q CURTAIN OPEN
Q TOS

#22- TO SHAKESPEARE’S STUDY

SCENE 10: SHAKESPEARE’S STUDY

(SHAKESPEARE sits at his desk, Nicholas Bottom is writing.

trying to write...) Our spy is here with news.
SHAKESPEARE
(saying what he's writing...) SHAKESPEARE
"Shall I compare thee to... a horse?" No. Oh. So I did. Speak, man. What news?
A really nice building?
No! It has to be wonderful and poetic, (EYEPATCH MAN extends a hand.
something everyone loves. Oh, I know! SHAKESPEARE puts a shilling in
"Shall I compare thee - to me?" Ha-ha- it.)
ha-ha. No, that's terrible. EYEPATCH MAN
(crumpling paper) Shakespeare's greatest play would be. I
Uggh! It's hard to be the Bard! (pacing) saw Nick Bottom, I did. He paid a
I know writing made me famous - but soothsayer to foresee what
being famous is just so much more fun! SHAKESPEARE
(His VALET enters.) That sneaky little thief! Why doesn't he
VALET get his own idea?
Sir. VALET
SHAKESPEARE Because... writing is hard?
What? What do you want!? Why are you SHAKESPEARE
here?! Oh. Right. It is, isn't it?
(SHAKESPEARE turns; next to his (SHAKESPEARE grabs a coat,
VALET is the EYEPATCH MAN.) hat, and fake beard.)
VALET Well, nice try, Nick Bottom. But I think
You asked for information on what Shakespeare needs to find out what
Shakespeare's biggest hit will be.

Q VISUAL GAG CUES BLACK OUT

Q SCENE CHANGE BLUE
Q TOS

Page | 34
#23- HARD TO BE THE BARD (PLAYOFF)

SCENE 11: THE THEATRE

SHAKESPEARE exits. NICK
(NICK is alone with Really?
NOSTRADAMUS, furiously sifting
NOSTRADAMUS
through his various sheets of
parchment.) I may be a little fuzzy on the ending.

(The TROUPE enters, looking

NICK confused and bewildered as they
Okay, so just to make sure I've got this all review script pages.)
straight, we've gota prince... eating a NICK
danish... and he's visited by the ghost of Oh, they're back.
his dead father? (pulls NOSTRADAMUS aside)
Okay, remember - stay over here and
NOSTRADAMUS
don't say anything.
Not a ghost. The phantom! He's the
former king who was murdered by the (SHYLOCK enters.)
prince's uncle... and the uncle's name SHYLOCK
s...Scar. Ahhhh, the theater! I love it, I love it, I
love it!
NICK
Scar. (writing that down) NICK
And he murdered the king. And the Shylock! Just in time! Have a seat, we're
prince is in love, but she goes mad you just about to start.
say?
SHYLOCK
NOSTRADAMUS l love it!
Yes! And - how do you solve a problem
NICK
like Ophelia? (fingers to temples,
You haven't seen it yet.
squinting)
The prince says, "Get thee to a nunnery!" SHYLOCK
And then the nuns hide her and all of the I know, but I just love being here.
singing children - from a giant man-
NICK
eating houseplant!
Okay, everyone, let's take it from the top
of the song

(#24 - IT'S EGGS begins.)

Q EGGS

♫ IT’S EGGS ♫
NICK: Watch and weep, Shakespeare. Watch and weep.

Page | 35
TROUPE:
What's that cooking on the griddle
Whipped up and beaten?
It's eggs, it's eggs, woo!

Throw some fixings in the middle

So good for eating
It's eggs, it's eggs, woo!

SHYLOCK (CUTTING THEM OFF) NOSTRADAMUS

I'm sorry, can I jump in here? (They stop.) A whole stage covered with singing cats!
Umm - what's this? No, wait... (squinting)
No, that's right. Singing cats.
NICK
I told you there'd be singing. NIGEL
I'm sorry, Nick, I have a strong feeling
SHYLOCK
something isn't right about all this.
But they're singing about eggs.
TROUPE
NICK
I have some ideas/l agree/I'm not sure
It's a metaphor. The griddle is his mind.
about all the eggs. (etc.)
But his thoughts are scrambled - like an
egg. SHAKESPEARE (AS TOBY; YORKSHIRE
ACCENT)
SHYLOCK
Ey up! 'Scuse me, lads.
Yeah, I'm not getting any of that.
(All heads turn. SHAKESPEARE -
NIGEL in disguise - has entered.)
Um... neither am 1 and I wrote it. I Name's Toby Belch. A humble actor from
mean...(checking script) York. I come seeking an audition for the
What's a fiddler, and why is he on the Bottom Brothers.
roof?
NICK
NICK That's us.
The roof is where the chim-chimney is,
quit overthinking it! SHAKESPEARE
Oh! What an honor. I hear tell you are
SHYLOCK creating a work that is...(as Toby) bigger
I'm just thinking about the audience. than Shakespeare.
They don't want metaphors. They want
good, old-fashioned frivolous NICK
entertainment. That's right. It's a play full of songs -
about an omelette.
NOSTRADAMUS
CATS! SHAKESPEARE
That's the great idea?
SHYLOCK
What? NICK
What?

Page | 36
SHAKESPEARE (AS TOBY) (They shake hands and introduce
I said, "That's a great idea!" (hands him themselves. NICK notices NIGEL
paper) Here's my head-sketch and heading for the door.)
resume. (NICK)
Where are you going? We have a whole
NICK (READING) second act to sort out.
Hey. You've been in every one of my
plays. NIGEL
SHAKESPEARE (AS TOBY) I... need to... explore some other ideas.
I'm a massive fan. What can you say NICK
about the Bottom Brothers plays except - Oh, I get it. You want to go see her, don't
wow. you? Well, that's not gonna happen.
NICK (NIGEL exits.)
You're hired! Gents, meet our newest
cast member - Toby Belch! Teach him the NICK
song. Nigel... get back h- Uggggh...

Q BLACKOUT
Q SCENE TRANSISTION
Q TOS
#25 - PORTIA INCIDENTAL begins.

SCENE 12: UNDER LONDON BRIDGE

(
Underneath London Bridge, PORTIA
NIGEL enters. PORTIA emerges Speak up a little...
from hiding.)
NIGEL NIGEL (barely audible; can't make eye
Portia! contact)
Through night and day, no dusk or dawn
(They embrace.) between, and none could dim our light
PORTIA nor love divine.
Oh, Nigel! You made it! I had to climb out
the window, but I don't think anyone saw PORTIA
me... Let me help you...

(NIGEL lays his coat on the NIGEL, PORTIA

ground.) And to the stars will fly the elusive dove;
NIGEL to heaven's gate with my eternal love!
Is here okay? "Ode to Portia" - by Nigel
PORTIA
Bottom. Like stars and sun together
It's beautiful. This is what you should be
never seen, yet heaven made us one our
writing, words that feel true to you.
flames to shine...

Page | 37
NIGEL PORTIA
You mean instead of Omelette? I know. Neither does your brother. Oooh! Does
That just doesn't feel right... that make us star-crossed??

PORTIA (NIGEL and PORTIA gasp - then

Then don't write it. Write from your giggle.)
heart. It will move other as it has moved NIGEL
me. Wait, that's not a good thing. We both
know how that story ends - with me
NIGEL drinking poison and you with a dagger in
Will it move your father? Change his your heart.
mind? He doesn't approve of us.

#26 - WE SEE THE LIGHT begins.

Q TOS

♫ WE SEE THE LIGHT ♫

PORTIA: Maybe it doesn’t have to. Maybe we can write a different ending.

PORTIA:
I'm tired of listening to the same sad story
How lovers fail because it's written in the stars
The feuding family plot is starting to bore me
I'm thinking we can show them that's not who we are
We'll show them how true love finds a way
Even though I know what they'll say

PURITANS:
No, no that won't do
God has plans for you
If you live in sin
You let the devil win
No, no that won't do

PORTIA:
But then they'll hear the words of truth that you've written from your heart

NIGEL:
If love is a sickness
Then find me no cure
For tis only love
That I know to be pure

PORTIA:

Page | 38
Then they'll think about it
And pray about it
Then their hearts will open
Then they'll be singing a different tune Q ADD FRONTS

NIGEL, PURITANS:
We see the light
You changed how we're thinking
Cause we were blind
You showed us the way
We're wrong
You're right
Salvation is yours if you do what is true to you
And you do it with luh uh uh uh uh ove.
Do it with luh uh uh uh uh ove
Yeah, oh

NIGEL:
Your father

PORTIA:
Yeah
He's a hard man to be moved
And he'll say

BROTHER JEREMIAH:
This is unacceptable
I do not approve

PORTIA:
But I know you'll win him over
His heart is gonna sing
And he'll love you
When you do your thing

NIGEL:
If love is loved purely
Then let me opine
That all love is surely divine

PURITANS:
Ooh. Go on, do it
Go on do it, right now. Yeah!

BROTHER JEREMIAH:

Page | 39
I need no further proof.
These words speak the truth.

NIGEL, PORTIA, PURITANS:

And the truth will set you free,

BROTHER JEREMIAH:
Set you free!

NIGEL, PORTIA, PURITANS:

When you do what is true to you.
And you do it with

NICK: Wait

NIGEL:Read

NICK: Aww

NIGEL & PORTIA: Yay

ALL:
Luh uh uh uh uh ove
Do it with love
Yeah
We see the light
You changed how we're thinking
Cause we were blind
You showed us the way
We're wrong
You're right
Salvation is yours if you do what is true to you
And you do it with love
Do it with luh uh uh uh uh ove
Love

PURITAN 1:
Yeah I believe in the power of love!

ALL:
Luh uh uh uh uh ove.

PURITAN 2
I’ve been changed, I’ve been changed, I’ve been changed by love.

ALL: Luh uh uh uh uh ove

Page | 40
PURITAN 3
And what we need is

ALL: Pure Luh uh uh uh uh ove

PURITAN 4:
Can you feel it?

ALL: We see the light!

#27 - WE SEE THE LIGHT (PLAYOFF)

PURITANS:
Luh uh uh uh uh ove
Do it with luh uh uh uh uh ove
Do it with love!
(NIGEL and PORTIA are left onstage.)

NIGEL
You really think that could happen?

PORTIA
Yes. Once my father sees your heart is true, he will love you as much as I do.

(BROTHER JEREMIAH enters with a couple of PURITANS.)

BROTHER JEREMIAH
You dare defy me, daughter of Eve?!?

PORTIA
Please, Father...

BROTHER JEREMIAH
You bid me grant you leave so you could pray forgiveness in church, and instead you slither off
here? (to NIGEL)

PORTIA
Read it. Read your poem. (NIGEL steps forward to read.)

NIGEL
"If love is a sic..."

BROTHER JEREMIAH
SILENCE!

NIGEL
okay.

BROTHER JEREMIAH
You will tempt my daughter no more. She will be locked in the church tower, and there she will
stay until her exile to our brethren in Scotland.

Page | 41
PORTIA
NO....

(The PURITANS drag her away.)

NIGEL
Portia!

PORTIA
Write what you feel, Nigel.

NIGEL
Iwill! I promise!

PORTIA
I love you!

NIGEL
And I l-

BROTHER JEREMIAH
I am warning you, boy! Leave her be - or you will pay... dearly.

(BROTHER JEREMIAH leaves, NIGEL is left alone, panicking.)

#28 – NIGEL’S THEME begins.

♫ NIGEL’S THEME ♫
Nigel
If my pen be my one and my only companion
Let it speak for my soul.
Let it speak for my soul.
As he writes, the theaer opens and TROUPE and SHAKESPEARE enter,
holding script pages in front of their faces.

Q BLACKOUT
Q TRANSITTION
Q TOS

SCENE 13: THE THEATRE

(NIGEL) don't we take it from the prince's
I'm still working out the details, but why soliloquy.

Page | 42
(He hands PETER QUINCE a of his life and she's sent into exile where
page. As PETER QUINCE reads, she will probably die of a broken heart...
SHAKESPEARE is gobsmacked by and he's so sad, he doesn't want to 80 on
what he hears and moves closer living - he just wants to die - "to die, to
to get a peek at the pages.) sleep, to sleep perchance, to dream."
PETER QUINCE
To be or not to be - that is the question. (SHAKESPEARE takes the pages.)
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer SHAKESPEARE
the slings and arrows of outrageous (dropping the Toby voice)
fortune or to take arms against a sea of That's the great idea…
troubles. Wow, you've, like really wrote (NICK takes the pages from
some good writing here, mate. SHAKESPEARE, looks through
them.)
TROUPE
NICK
It is!/It's amazing. (etc.)
This has nothing to do with eggs!
NICK
SHAKESPEARE
Um... what the heck?
That's what's missing! Why don't I collect
PETER QUINCE all these pages and hold them for
Nick, your little brother has written safekeeping?
something truly amazing.
(SHAKESPEARE takes the pages
FRANCIS FLUTE from NICK, but NIGEL takes them
It's better than Shakespeare. from SHAKESPEARE.)
NIGEL
SHAKESPEARE Nick, I'm worried you aren't thinking
Um... is it? clearly here. Read it. I think it's good.
(NICK crosses to NIGEL.) NICK
NICK I have read it, and where's the omelette?
You wrote something and didn't even run
it by me? NIGEL
There is no omelette.
NIGEL
Nick, please - just listen. You gave me all NICK
these insane ideas, and I took the ones What do you mean there's no omelette,
that actually made sense and wrote there has to be an omelette.
something that rings true. In here. So -
NIGEL
it's about a prince - and he isn't eating a
Why?
danish, he is Danish and he's lost the love

#29 - TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE begins.

♫ TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE ♫

NICK: Because it's called OMELETTE!

Page | 43
NIGEL: WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE CALLED week. Are you (NIGEL looks to the
"OMELETTE'? TROUPE, then back to NICK.)

NICK: It just does! NIGEL

No.
NIGEL: Ugh. (to the TROUPE) This is
pointless. NICK
No??
ROBIN: Just read him what you wrote!
NIGEL
NIGEL: Okay, fine. Nick, something
I can't. It doesn't feel right. And deep
happened last night. I promised to write
down, I don't think it feels right to you
what I feel and here it is.
either.
Sure as the day follows the night
NICK
sure as the sky turns to bule.
It must be so great to always "do what
This much I know
you feel" because you have no one else
This much is true
to take care of but yourself. And that's
Above all else in whatever you do.
why I never wanted to write that sappy
TOM: I love that! "brother who carried you from Cornwall"
FRANCIS: It’s like a good line and good story - because I'm still carrying you. And
advice. I'm sick of it!

To thine own self be true. NIGEL

Then why don't I just get off your back.
SHAKESPEARE (AS TOBY)
(NIGEL exits. SHAKESPEARE
I don’t know. I thought the whole
collects all the script pages...)
breakfast theme was really strong.
SHAKESPEARE
Everyone loves breakfast!
Why don't I just hang on to these - for
NICK safe keeping...
Exactly! You’re completely ignoring the
(SHYLOCK enters.)
theme.
SHYLOCK
NIGEL Nick! There you are! I've got news! Your
I’m ignoring the “breakfast theme” musical? Omelette?
because it’s ridiculous. We're not selling any tickets...

NICK ... because we've SOLD OUT! They lined

Oh really? So my idea is wrong but this up around the block.
whole "true to yourself" thing is right?
TROUPE
That's not just a line, it's what I believe.
What? Seriously? Wait, what did he say?
Nick, what has inspired me to become a
(etc.)
writer? happened to you? Where's the
brother who had integrity, who gonna NICK
help me write Omelette or not? Look, we you hear that, guys!? We have a HIT! So
don't have time for this. We open in a let's give the audience what they're
hungry for. OMELETTE THE MUSICAL!

Page | 44
#30 - TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE (PLAYOFF)
They cheer and exit as we transition to...
Q BLACKOUT
Q SCENE TRANS
Q TOS
SCENE 14: A LONDON STREET about what love is really like. Try being
married for ten years, it's not all
(BEA enters with a basket of food summer's days and sweet-smelling roses.
as NIGEL enters from the It's more like "Shall I compare thee to an
opposite side. She sees him.) old dog's breath?"
BEA
Nigel. I was just bringing you guys some (They laugh.)
Look, I'll admit I've never seen him like
lunch. How's the show going?
this. He's under a lot of pressure and
NIGEL doing some really stupid things like
Um... you'd have to ask Nick. taking all our savings from the money
box...
BEA
Sit. Talk to me. What's wrong? NIGEL
What??
NIGEL
We just had a big fight. He said he was BEA
carrying me. I'm thinking maybe we Oh yeah. Still trying to figure out how
shouldn't work together anymore. that love poem is going to end. But you
know he can’t do this without you.
BEA
Maybe you need to cary him for a bit.
Uh-huh. Do you know the poem "Love is
a Boatload of Work?"
NIGEL
NIGEL Okay, I will.
Um... no?
BEA
BEA Great. I can’t wait to see what you two
That's because the poets never write come up with. I’m sure you’ll give em a
show they’ll never for forget.

SCENE 15: ON STAGE AT THE THEATRE

#31 SOMETHING ROTTEN BEGINS

♫ SOMETHING ROTTEN ♫
NICK
Alas, poor yolk. I know thee well.

Page | 45
There’s something rotten
There’s something rotten
You can smell it, you can tell it’s something rotten.
Now the kingdom is shot and it’s all gone to pot.

NICK: Fraility, they name is egg

Heaven help us there is something rotten!

Hea-ven help us there is some-thing rot - ten!

(NICK)
How like thee 1 am. For 1 am - what I am, and what I am doth be an illusion.

HORATIO
You beckoned, my lord.

NICK
Where is Macavity?

HORATIO
At the Jellicle Ball. He would not come. Alas, my lord, what vexes thee?

NICK
I dreamed a dream, Horatio. An impossible dream. There were wheels upon yon dream. And
raindrops upon Rosencrantz and whiskers on his kitten.

HORATIO
What be the meaning of it?

NICK
We've got trouble.

HORATIO
Trouble?

NICK
Trouble, I say! (NIGEL re-enters.) Where is Macavity!?

NIGEL
Macavity's not there!

(ROBIN (the QUEEN) enters. All bow.)

FOOTMAN
My Queen.

ROBIN (AS QUEEN)

Oh, what a ball. I could have danced all night! Gentle prince, thine absence 'twas worrisome for
the king and I.

Page | 46
(ROBIN points to SHAKESPEARE, who is dressed as the KING, wearing a
crown.)
NICK
He wears the crown that should don my head. GOD I HOPE I GET IT!

SHAKESPEARE (AS TOBY)

Fair guests - wilkommen, bienvenue, welcome. The wedding breakfast is served!

(#32 - MAKE AN OMELETTE begins.)

♫ MAKE AN OMELETTE ♫
(SHAKESPEARE (KING) sits with ROBIN (QUEEN), surrounded by the a
MEMBERS of court stand about. NICK notices a bowl of eggs on the table.)

NICK: My father newly dead and the funeral boiled eggs now coldly furnish forth the marriage
table.

SHAKESPEARE (TOBY): Pray, Nephew what dost thou mean?

NICK: Well, I’ll tell you…

The fruit of life can't always taste like sweet persimmons

Sometimes it's hard to swallow I'm afraid
But when life has handed you some lemons
Then hand it back a mug of lemonade

You make wine from sour grapes

You got a flat pancake, hey, call it a crepe
When life gives you eggs, make an omelette
You get cola from a nut
A dirty worm makes silk from out of his butt
When life gives you eggs, make an omelette
Omelette

NICK & 3 TROUPE MEMBERS:

The solution to your troubles is
Cheese and vegetables
And bacon make an omelette, yeah!

When it looks like you should quit

Find another way of looking at it

When life gives you eggs

You gotta make that om-om-om
Om-om-om

Page | 47
Om-om-om

Omelette
Om-om-om
Om-om-om
Om-om-om
Omelette

Omelette!

NICK:
Take that egg and beat it
Take that egg and beat it
You gotta heat it and beat it, before you eat it
So beat that egg
Beat that egg
Beat that egg

And that's how you make an omelette

That's how you make an omelette
That's how you make an omelette
That's how you make it

Q180 EGG ENTERS

SAD EGG:
And I am telling you
I'm not gonna be an omelette

ALL:
You make wine from sour grapes
You got a flat pancake, just call it a crepe
When life gives you eggs, make an oh-oh-oh-omelette
Shake a leg and slap a thigh
If your cholesterol's high, you'll probably die

When life gives you eggs

Just a great big bowl of eggs
When life gives you eggs
You gotta make that om-om-om
Om-om-om
Om-om-om
Om-om-om
For heaven's sakes!

It was white and yellow

Page | 48
And white and yellow
And white and yellow
And white
Make an omelette!

Q 182 BUMP
Q 184 RESTORE

SHAKESPEARE (AS TOBY) NIGEL

I have a question. Nick, what's going on?

(NICK is thrown by the SHAKESPEARE

unscripted interruption.) That won an is s soothsayer. And she was
NICK hired by....
Er, fair Uncle Scar? Why doth thou .. this man, who paid her to look into the
speakest when thou shouldn't... future and steal my greatest idea.
speakest? ROBIN
SHAKESPEARE Nick? Is this true?
Because I want to know - how canst thou NICK
make an omelette... when one of the Guys, I can expl
eggs be rotten? (sniffing around,
gasping) NIGEL
You lied to me?
Ay, there's the rub! The rotten one - is
you! NICK
You don't understand...
NICK
Toby? NIGEL
No. I don't.
SHAKESPEARE
Or not Toby - that is the question. (NIGEL leaves. NICK bows his
head. SHAKESPEARE steps up.)
(He removes his beard and wig,
SHAKESPEARE (to balcony)
revealing his true identity.)
Yeah, that just happened. Exit
NIGEL
Shakespeare!
Will?
(SHAKESPEARE exits. NICK is left
PETER QUINCE
alone with NOSTRADAMUS.)
Shakespeare?
NICK
SHAKESPEARE I have failed... in every way.
And you said I was a bad actor.
NOSTRADAMUS
NICK I could have told you this would happen,
You little snake. but you wouldn't have listened.

Page | 49
NICK be a great price. And now, I have to pay
No, you did tell me. You said there would it.

(#33 - INTO THE COURTROOM begins.)

SCENE 16: COURTROOM

(NOSTRADAMUS takes her seat redundant. Clearly the fool has lost his
on the bench beside head already!
SHYLOCK and NIGEL. NIGEL turns
NICK
his back on NICK. Bea?
The GALLERY is in an uproar. The
MASTER OF THE JUSTICE bangs BEA
his gavel as BROTHER JEREMIAH Be more specific? I shall... Did you take
steps forward.) the money from the money box?
NICK
MASTER OF THE JUSTICE Yes.
Order! Silence in the court!
BEA
BROTHER JEREMIAH Did you deceive your brother?
I share their outrage, m'lord, at this vile
and offensive production. It was my duty NICK
as a magistrate to have them arrested for Yes.
blasphemy, treason, witchcraft, and the
BEA
parading of eggs. And for such offenses,
Did you lie to your wife... who by all
the law demands beheading.
accounts is a wonderful and supportive
(Murmurs of approval from the CROWD.) woman...(to COURT SCRIBE) Write that
down!
MASTER OF THE JUSTICE
Defendants? Do you have a lawyer NICK
present? Yes. I did all those things.

NICK BEA
No, your grace. Which is why I enter a plea of temporary
insanity! And before sentencing is
BEA (OFFSTAGE AS OLD MALE VOICE)
pronounced, I think we’d all like to
Correction! I am their lawyer.
know…what on earth were you thinking?
(An elderly, bearded man in a
black robe and wig enters (it's NICK
BEA in disguise).) The learned counselor is right.
(BEA AS LAWYER)
And I say beheading this man would be

#34 TO THINE OWN SELF (REPRISE)

Page | 50
 ♫ TO THINE OWN SELF (REPRISE) ♫
NICK: I did lose my mind. No, worse, I lost myelf. And it wouldn’t have happened if I had
just listened. Someone much wiser than me tried to tell me.

Sure as the day follows into night

Sure as the sky turns to blue
This much I know
This much is true
Above all else, whatever you do
To thine own self be true

MASTER OF THE JUSTICE MASTER OF THE JUSTICE

That’s very touching but the law Are you saying you might write a play
demands beheading, and nothing can about this? With me as a character?
change that. Well, I wouldn't want to look the fool.

BEA SHAKESPEARE
Or can it? The defense calls Master And you shan't, Lord Falstaff - not if you
William Shakespeare. spare their lives and see these mischief
makers banish-ed. Send them off of this
#35 SHAKESPEARE IN COURT 1 royal throne of kings, this sceptered isle -
this England.
SHAKESPEARE (The GALLERY, CLERK, GUARDS,
Hi... hi... how are you? If it please the and JUDGE... even
court... NOSTRADAMUS, all applaud.
MASTER OF THE JUSTICE SHAKESPEARE bows.)
MASTER OF THE JUSTICE (TEARING UP)
Oh, the court is very pleased... (clapping)
That is so much more elegant than
Continue.
beheading, I agree. Defendants, I
SHAKESPEARE sentence you to be banish-ed.
Words without thoughts never to heaven Transported on the first ship for the New
go... World. And take your so-called 'Musicals'
with you!
MASTER OF THE JUSTICE (TO CLERK)
I love how he puts words in the wrong (He bangs his gavel and then
order. leaves. NICK hugs NIGEL, then
turns and kisses BEA.
SHAKESPEARE SHAKESPEARE crosses.)
And the quality of mercy is not strained. SHAKESPEARE
It droppeth as the gentle rain from You're welcome.
heaven. But! - if a merciful ending is not -
with these characters and thee at thy NIGEL
bench - then, shall I see fair justice done. For what? All those lines were from my

Page | 51
pages. You're just getting us out of the BROTHER JEREMIAH
way so you can steal my work. What?!

SHAKESPEARE PORTIA
Getting beheaded would have been out "The good man's children will be
of the way as well. No, the world is better prosperous in the wilderness" - Psalm
with you in it - just not my world. 112. You have your poets, and I will have
mine!
(NICK steps towards
SHAKESPEARE. NIGEL stops (She stands next to NIGEL and
him.) holds his hand.)
NIGEL
Let it go, Nick. All's well that ends well. BROTHER JEREMIAH
Oh... poop!!
SHAKESPEARE
Good line. Good night, sweet prince. And He covers his mouth like that
flights of angels... (searching for it) ... do was a bad word. BROTHER
something. I'll figure it out. I'm JEREMIAH runs out.)
Shakespeare! NICK
So you made a deal... with Shakespeare?
#36 - SHAKESPEARE IN COURT 2
begins. BEA
We wanted a new country home and
BROTHER JEREMIAH we're getting a home in a new country!
Very well. I will allow it.
NOSTRADAMUS
PORTIA Didn't see that coming!
It pains the heart to bid adieu to
someone you love, but alas the time has NIGEL
come. And I bet they'll be open to something
really original.
(NIGEL is about to cry, but
PORTIA turns to BROTHER NICK
JEREMIAH.) And Brother - I know just the story we
Goodbye, Father. should tell.

NO BLACKOUT

Q SHIFT TO SONG

SCENE 17: NEW AMERICAN COLONY

#37 - WELCOME TO AMERICA begins.

♫ WELCOME TO AMERICA

Page | 52
Who's that coming out of Cornwall
With his brother
It's Nick and Nigel Bottom!
Who's that starting out with nothing
But each other
It's Nick and Nigel Bottom!

NICK, NIGEL
We came from London on a boat
and landed here and went and wrote
a play with songs and dancers galore.
It’s something no one else has ever seen before
So here we go
puttin on a show But not just any old ordinary show

BEA, PORTIA, NIGEL, NICK

A big and bold extraordinary show
A must see magical, new, orginal, musical, a musical,
There’s nothing as amazing as a musical.
(SHYLOCK enters with a newspaper.)
SHYLOCK: Have you heard the news? Shakespeare's new play opened. They say it's his
masterpiece.
NICK, NIGEL: What's it called?
SHYLOCK: Hamlet!
NOSTRADAMUS: Hamlet! I was this close.

ENSEMBLE
Welcome to America
Where nothing rhymes with America
But who’s complaining?
We’re livin in the New World and livin the dream.
It's our debut
Welcome to America
Where everything is new!
Welcome to America
Everything is new,
Welcome to America
Land of opportunity!

THE END

#38 BOWS
#39 EXIT MUSIC

Page | 53