Communicating With

Love
Lindee Fenn Phillips
Why is this even
important?
 “Parents who communicate [with love] can
more easily fulfill their sacred duty to…
 rear their children in love and righteousness
 teach them to love and serve one another
 teach them to observe the commandments of God
 teach them to be law-abiding citizens wherever
they live.
Things to Ponder

“Our expressions, our voice tones, our

movements, our thoughts betray us.”
Spencer W. Kimball

 How well do you communicate with your children or

loved ones?
 What can you do to communicate more effectively?
Harmful Practices

 Lecturing, moralizing, preaching, interrogating.

 “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times.
Can’t you get it through your thick head that . . .”
 “You should be ashamed of yourself. Now look at
what you’ve done.”
 “Why in the world did you do that?”
 Discounting, placating, providing empty
reassurances.
 “Calm down. There’s no reason to be upset.”
 “Okay, whatever it takes to make you happy.”
 “Everything will be okay. Lots of people have
suffered worse.”

 Judging, condemning, threatening.

 “The trouble with you is . . .”
 “You’ll never amount to anything.”
 “Try that again and you won’t sit down for a week.”
 Blaming, criticizing, ridiculing.
 “It’s all your fault.”
 “You’re so irritating.”
 “I can’t stand it when you whine like that.”

 Talking about your own feelings when a child

needs to share theirs.
 “I know exactly how you feel. When I was you age…”
 What are some harmful
practices you notice yourself
using?
How can we calm our anger when
we are in the moment?

 ‘I’ versus ‘You’ statements

The scriptures indicate that Jesus was

 Slow to condemn  Loving of all

 Forgiving children
 Compassionate  Appreciative
 Considerate  Eager to serve
 Returns good for evil  Willing to sacrifice

How can we apply these Christlike

attributes into our parenting?
Improving Communication

 Return good for evil

 Look for the good in children
 Listen to your children
 How can you help your child feel like they
can ask you sensitive questions without
being criticized or chastised?

 How can you build trust with your child?

Listening Tips
 Show interest and a willingness to listen
 Ask questions that invite a child to talk
 Identify and name the child’s feelings
 Listen actively by paraphrasing what the child says
 Respond nondefensively when the child is upset

Discuss with your neighbor your strengths

and weaknesses when it comes to listening.
What is something you can work on?
 No-Drama Discipline
 Strategies
Goal: Saying No to the behavior, but
Yes to the child

 How: Connect then Redirect

 Connect
 Avoid knee-jerk reaction
 Redirect
 Why did they act this way?
 What lesson do I want to teach?
 How can I teach this lesson?

 See handout for more info

Examples
 Discuss what your knee-jerk reaction would be versus
a connect and redirect reaction
 Your 4-year-old snaps you hard on your back after you
tell him that you need to send an email before you
play Legos with him on the floor.
 Your 10-year-old boy ignores you for the 4th time about
going to bed because he is having too much fun
playing video games
 Your 8-year-old took his brother’s favorite toy without
permission, ends up breaking the toy, and claims,
“mom said I could play with it!”
Beware of unrealistic and unhealthy
attitudes
 Feeling responsible to solve all their child’s problems.
 Feeling responsible to rear successful children rather than
focusing on being a successful parent.
 Wanting to control their children.
 Being overly detached/permissive, allowing a great amount
of freedom without supervision, guidelines, and boundaries.
 Fearing failure and public humiliation.
 Believing they (the parents) are always right.
 Needing to feel loved by children and fearing rejection by
them.