Strategies for Dealing with

Difficult Conversations
and Negotiations

Sudirman

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Key Message

Having the ability to successfully engage in

difficult conversations with clients, bosses and
staff is an important skill to successfully manage
relationships and results.

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Types of Difficult Conversations

 Disagreeing when the stakes are high

 Dealing with rude and disrespectful behaviour
 Saying “No”
 Delivering difficult news

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When do we need to Engage?

To determine if you need to have a

difficult conversation ask yourself; what
is at STAKE here?

What happens if you don’t have the conversation?

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Ineffective Ways to Manage
Difficult Conversations
 Avoid
 Back Down
 Combat

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Preparation is Key

Before anything else, preparation is the

key to success

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Framework for Success

 Prepare to Talk
 Prepare and Deliver an ABC Message
 Stop Talking and Start Listening
 Stay Cool
 Respond not Defend

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Prepare: Identify the Real Problem

 What are the facts? What is the other person doing or

saying that is causing a problem?

 What is the effect/result of their action/inaction on

you or others?

Remember your beliefs, assumptions and judgments

about the situation are not facts!
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Prepare: Clarify your Goal
What are you hoping to achieve in having this
difficult conversation?
 Is it doable?
 Is it within your control?
 Is it productive?
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Prepare: Plan Ahead
Follow the Scout Motto: Be Prepared

 Anticipate their reaction so you don’t get

hooked

 Know your back-up plan if you do not get

cooperation or the conversation goes sour

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Prepare Your ABC Message
 Accurate

 Brief

 Clear

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Brief

 Decide what is most important and leave it at

that-no dredging up ancient history

 Avoid lengthy explanations

 Less is more

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Clear
 Get straight to the heart of the matter

 No hints or innuendo-give diplomacy a rest

 Avoid blaming others

 Avoid the feedback “sandwich”

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Deliver your ABC Message
Deliver your ABC Message
 Be Calm
 Be Confident
 Be Neutral

This is about giving people the “straight goods” in a

respectful and non-judgmental way

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Stop Talking Start Listening
 Turn the conversation over to the other person
and then Embrace Silence

 The moments following the delivery of your

message are the most difficult. Be prepared for
the discomfort.

 Give the other person the space to respond

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Listen Up!
 Listening is more than not talking. It is about being
present and curious

 Listen with thoughtful attention to understand what

the other person is thinking and feeling. What are
their concerns?

Resist the temptation to…interrupt

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 Acknowledge the Other
Even if you don’t agree with what the other person is
saying, you can acknowledge:

 their perspective by conveying your understanding of

what you hear
 their feelings by showing empathy or understanding

Acknowledgement is about Respect

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Why Bother?
 The key to having them “hear” your message
is having he confidence to listen to them speak
without interruption

 Everyone what to be heard and understood

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Stay Cool!
 Be prepared for a strong emotional reaction or
“push back”
 Give them the space to have their reaction
 Have your plan to stay calm, cool and
confident

Remember it is not personal

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Respond Not Defend
 Pause before responding

 Resist the temptation to respond in kind, back

down, or become defensive

Be Calm. Be Concise. Be Confident.

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Wrap it Up
 Re-state your message
 Clarify misinformation/misunderstandings
 Reiterate expectations and boundaries
 Clarify what you have agreed to

Be Calm. Be Concise. Be Confident.

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Going forward…
 Deal with issues as they arise
 Prepare for all of your difficult conversations

 If someone comes at you listen, question,

acknowledge and then take some time…

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Resources
 Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most,
by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Shelia Heen, (Penguin
Books, 2000)
 The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, by Stephen R.
Covey (Free Press, 1989, 2004)
 Beyond Reason, Using Emotions as You Negotiate by Roger
Fisher and Daniel Shapiro, (Viking Penguin 2005)
 Mistakes were Made (but not by me), by Carol Tarvis and
Elliot Aronson, (Harcourt Inc., 2007)
 Dialogue and the art of thinking together by William Issacs
(Doubleday 1999)

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Resources Continued
 Fierce Conversations, Achieving Success, at Work & in Life,
One Conversation at a Time, by Susan Scott, (Berkley Books,
2002)
 Taking the War out of Our Words: by Sharon Strand Ellison
(Wyatt-MacKenzie Publishing, 1998-2009)
 Crucial Conversations: Tools for talking when the stakes are
high, by Patterson et al, (McGraw- Hill 2002)
 First Break All the Rules: by Buckingham & Coffman (Simon
& Schuster Inc.,1999)
 It’s all Your Fault: 12 Tips for Managing People who Blame
Others for Everything, by Bill Eddy (HCI Press, 2009)

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