Which Conflict Style

Should You Use?

Week 3
** Hope you remember that we have 5 conflict management styles represented by different animals.

** Out of these five styles, people usually employ only one of them, called preferred style of
conflict management. – since you are a child.

** However, it is not wise to use the very same style in every conflict situation. Each conflict style
is good for certain purposes and fails for others.

** Thus, choosing the right style most likely to bring you the results you want and reaching
the results you want without destroying the relationships is essential for good conflict
management.

** Let’s have another look at when to use or not to use them.

When to use Competing and When not?
 Strategies: Assert, control, compete, persuade, insist, demand and repeat, attack.
 Use it when Speed, decisiveness, protecting or acquiring important things matter.
 Most useful when:
 An emergency emerges
 There is no time for give and take discussion
 You’re sure you’re right, and being right matters more than preserving relationships- this is
tricky- make sure that you are fair and right.
 The issue is trivial and others don’t really care what happens
 Weaker parties need to be protected from stronger ones
 Principles are at stake and must not be compromised, regardless of cost
When to use Competing and When not?
 The least useful situations and negative consequences:
 Support and cooperation of others who want to be treated as equal is
important- if you need their support and collaboration, be smart!
 Used routinely for most issues. Others get annoyed and resistant, feel heart
broken and ignored, fall into passiveness and dependency
 Self- respect of others is diminished
 The competitive sharks face with reduced emotional and spiritual growth in
their lives – you will be the loser.
 Loss of cooperation and trust
When to use Accommodating and When
not?
 Strategies: Agree, support, acknowledge error, give in, convince self it’s no big deal, smile and say
yes, grin and bear it.
 Use it when being Flexible and easy to work with, winning approval and appreciation, creating
pleasant atmosphere matters.
 Most useful when:
 Keeping others happy is the most important goal
 Expressing your wishes may bring harm from others and you have no means to protect yourself
 You really don’t care about the issue- don’t want to spend energy and time-in other words if you
can’t care less about the issue, but if the relationship matters
 You are powerless and have no wish to block the other person
When to use Accommodating and When
not?
 Least useful situations and negative consequences
 You are likely to grow resentment
 Used habitually in order to win acceptance by others- lack of self-respect and
personal growth in you and eventually perhaps depression
 Dependency on others
 Lack of direction and principle in life
 Unacceptable conduct or incompetent work needs to be confronted
 Others wish to Collaborate and will feel like Competing if you Accommodate
When to use Avoiding and When not?
 Strategies: Withdraw, delay or avoiding response. Divert attention, suppress emotions, be
inaccessible.
 Most useful when:
 Block or limit others without actually doing anything
 Freedom from entanglement
 The issue is trivial
 The relationship is insignificant
 Time to talk is limited and a decision can be delayed for now
 You have little power to openly resist an opponent, but you don’t want to actively go
along with their wishes
When to use Avoiding and When not?
 Least useful situations and negative consequence
 You care about both the issues involved and the relationship
 Used habitually for most issues leads to “explosions” of anger
 Residue of negative feelings is likely to stay
 Others would benefit from constructive confrontation
 Your role or duties oblige you to take a stand
 Slow death of relationships
 Loss of accountability – people would stop trusting you.
When to Use Collaborating and When Not
 Strategies: Assert self and invite other views. Welcome differences, reflect jointly on
strengths and weaknesses of all views. Cooperate in seeking additional information.
 Most useful when:
 The issues and relationships are both significant
 Long-term ability to work together is important
 A creative outcome is important
 Time and energy are available for discussion
 The people involved have the communication skills required
When to Use Collaborating and When Not

 Least useful situations and negative consequences:

 The issues are trivial
 Time and energy are in short supply
 Key people lack the commitment to listening and talking things through
required by this approach
 Without attention to time limit and skills of the parties, failure is likely
 Distraction from more important tasks
 Very tiring
 The goals of the other person are wrong beyond doubt
When to Use Compromising and When Not
 Strategies: Urge moderation, bargain, split the difference, find a little something for
everyone, meet them halfway, give a little and take a little.
 Most useful when:
 Getting an agreement quickly is a high priority
 When the issue is of moderate importance
 Working together is important, but time or resources to Collaborate fully are
limited
 When finding some solution, even if less than ideal, is better than no solution
 When efforts to Collaborate will be misunderstood as Competing
When to Use Compromising and When Not
 Least useful situations and negative consequence:
 In-depth analysis or finding the most creative solution possible is essential (use
Collaborative instead)
 When you can’t live with the consequences of getting less than what you want or
need
 Deep principles or values are at stake
 Everyone gets a little, but no one is really happy
 Mediocrity and blandness
 Possible that you ignore the root causes of conflict but focus on superficial solutions
 Too quick compromise may prevent parties from the needed in-depth discussion
How to Manage
Your Storm Shift
 Storm shift
Some people experience a change in preferred style as conflict heats up. They begin a conflict with one style but as emotions and
stress rise, they shift to a different style.

For example, they can shift from being a accommodating teddy bear in Calm conditions to a competitive shark as things move into
the tension of Storm conditions;

Or from a competitive shark to an Avoiding turtle as emotions rise and it becomes apparent that achieving their own agenda is not
possible. And so on.

Others around them may be relieved and pleasantly surprised by a Storm shift, if it is a change towards greater flexibility.

But others are likely to be upset if it is a change towards less flexibility.

Some people who make a Storm shift do it quite suddenly. This is particularly confusing for others, if the shift is towards Avoiding.

It may be shocking, if it is towards competing.

 First of all, please study your patterns in Calm
and Storm.
Are there major changes? If any of the numbers
Of course, increase or decrease significantly, chances are
there are Steps that others around you are confused when this
happens.
You Can Take A small Storm shift is normal. Even a large shift
to manage your is not necessarily bad.
storm shift. The key is to be aware that it happens and to
manage it well.
Let’s what you can do about managing it. For
example:
 Steps you can take
Learn to recognize your inner signs signalling a shift: a suddenly pounding heart, heat in the face or neck, a flash of anger in the head,
knot in the gut/throat, movement in the gut/stomach-ache, or icy fear in the chest, breathing changes

Ask people who know you well to give you feedback about what they notice when you become stressed in conflict – SIMPLE
AWARENESS IS YOUR MOST IMPORTANT TOOL TO MANAGE YOURSELF.

BUT Be patient- self awareness requires practice- comes only through a process of careful effort and disciplined reflection over a
period of time

Discuss with others- If awareness alone is not enough to achieve the response you seek, discuss with others you trust what you
could do when you feel stressed. this would help you use the style you want to use.

In relationships that are important to you, it is probably a good idea to communicate to others about what is happening inside you as the
Storm shift takes place. Acknowledge the change in your style and provide information about what you are feeling or want to
accomplish

“I realise I’m getting very angry here and my tendency is to shout/ close myself to communicate” – say it as a part of sharing process,
don’t make it sound like a threat
BREAK!
SUPPORT Strategies
Appreciated by Each
Style
The things that make life easier for people in each style
• Strategies that make things easier for each style
• Not working for everyone- surprisingly effective
in general
• Think about yourself- which of these strategies
you would welcome others to use to support you.
• Broaden your knowledge by looking at styles you
may not personally prefer- In this way, you can
also support people you live or work with to
function better
• You will find you can recognize style preferences
even in strangers
 Support Strategies for Competitive Sharks
• Tend to be task oriented- they are usually quite productive and concerned to get the job done.
• Engage them and let them know you are committed to the task at hand or resolving the issue at hand
• If you need time to think things through or cool down- ask for it, Sharks are usually fine with this. As long as you show your
commitment to the task or issue. Stating when you will come back specifically – saying that I need time to think things but will
be here in an hour. Or at 3 pm.
• Easy to forget the feelings and needs of others, but.. Many sharks feel deeply responsible for those around them, and may feel
really bad if they realise they have hurt them.
• It is sometimes useful for sharks to be reminded about the needs of others- choose the setting with care- they are not in the
middle of something.
• Sharks want things immediately and they get anxious when others are silent or passive- Don’t withdraw without giving some
clue about your intentions. Lack of information about this will increase their anxiety and anger.
• A shark who is angry can be very intimidating and scary and direct- behave accordingly depending on they are emotionally
healthy or not?
• If this person has a history of abusing others emotionally or otherwise and holds more power than you, look for a path to safety
or shelter.
 Support Strategies for Accommodating Teddy
Bears
• They want to please and be pleased- . More than any other style, teddy bears will be positively affected by gestures of
thoughtfulness – a kind note, an appreciative comment, flowers, a chocolate bar, a card, and so on
• You will get more cooperativeness in doing serious work with teddy bears if you use a two-step approach.
• First, connect with them at a human level. Ask how they are doing, ask about a family member, tease a little, thank
them for something, and so on- This is something competing sharks tend to forget!
• Then, and only then, settle down to business. The human connection comes before work for teddy bears
• Stay light. Seriousness or heaviness in others quickly stirs anxiety in teddy bears- they can’t focus on work
• Be affirmative- acknowledge their strong points, praise them.
• If they bring criticism, thank them generously- it is hard for them to criticise - Reward their openness with warmth; if you
do not, being open and honest from their side will disappear from the relationship
• Long, heavy discussion unsettles teddy bears and pushes them to unhelpful places more quickly than other styles. – Take
breaks, lighten the mode, make them feel they are ok, they are loved and not judged.
Support Strategies for Avoiding Turtles
• They benefit more than any other style from an offer of time or space to withdraw and think things
through.
• You are more likely to get a “yes” answer about anything you need from them if you use a “two-step”
approach. First, let them know, in a thoughtful manner, what you want or that you’d like to have a
discussion, then come back later- an hour, a day- a week.
• Stay low-key. It means do not be insistent. The more intense or demanding you are, the more likely the
Avoider will go into major withdrawal.
• Avoiders need data and information, presented in a calm and methodical way to enter
negotiations- provide them relevant data, give them some time- they’re actually very tasked focus, in
their own way.
• Quick decision making tends to push avoiding turtles into withdrawing more. Move slowly- one step at
a time
 Support Strategies for Collaborating Owls
• Feeling heard helps all styles, but Owls respond particularly well to efforts to structure conversation around listening
• Hear them out fully and you are likely to be surprised at how well they listen to you in response
• If you know the skill of "active listening" or paraphrasing, use it
• Be honest, but polite. In an attitude of “providing information about what matters most to me” rather than criticizing or
making demands
• Stay connected and do not back off too quickly from your own views- especially if you are a turtle or teddy bear
• Yes, owl do speak out, but they truly want to hear your views too. If you are silent or too quick to agree, the owl ends up
feeling like a shark, and feel guilty and confused
• Bring a blend of task and relationship: focus to the conversation
• Owls tend to become anxious or upset if others pull away without signalling their intentions- They want to know what is going
on and information. Give a clear explanation that you are committed to ongoing conversation and say:
• “I want to go for a walk for half an hour to think things through. Then I’ll come back and we can talk some more.”
• More examples:
• An Avoider (turtle) who needs to step back and prepare inwardly for a difficult conversation
being proposed by an Owl (collaborating) might say, "I want you to know that I recognize we
need to talk this through. I want to be at my best when we do that, and I'd like to ask that we
plan to discuss it tomorrow at 2 after the staff meeting”
• A teddy bear who is overwhelmed with the first round of conversation (Collaborative Owls
tend to have a lot of energy for long processing of issues and to assume that everyone else
does as well.) might say, "I'm really worn out by this last half hour of discussion. Could we
agree to take a break and continue tomorrow evening?”
• A really self-aware and confident teddy bear might take steps to meet his or her own needs by
adding: "And could we plan to spend the first 15 minutes just drinking coffee and catching up
a little on our lives? That would help me a lot to feel connected to you as a human being
before we dive into this decision again."
 Support Strategies for Compromising Foxes
• Compromisers have a strong sense of reciprocity- they are likely to respond in kindness, if you back off
somewhat from your initial position
• Leave room to negotiate for yourself when you make your opening request.
• Foxes value fairness and moderation- Think and speak in terms of “being fair”, “fair play”, “reasonable”, “you
give some, I give some”, “give and take”, etc.
• They tend to value efficiency of time and energy- are eager to find a way through to a practical solution that
ends the difficulty - a fair and moderate deal was achieved probably matters more than talking through all options
• Foxes benefit from reassurance that the discussion will not continue endlessly. Tell them you do not have that
intention if you can.
• If you are wanting to use the Collaborating style with a Compromising Fox: suggest a limited time frame for
discussion:
“Let's agree to spend the first hour looking at both sides of the issue, and then try to make a decision”
"As a group, let's agree to meet three times. The first time to hear all sides of the issue, the second time to
make a decision, and the third time to work out implementation."
Tips About You for
People You Live or
Work With
 A quick explanation.
This presentation is about self knowledge that helps you function well.

For example, if you favour the Avoiding style and know that you function better if you've first had a chance to quietly
reflect on things before negotiating with someone, you will be able to say, in a positive and constructive way:

"I will be a better partner in this conversation if I have some time to think about the issues before we plunge into
things. Could we plan to meet tomorrow afternoon so I have time to do that?"

In every slide there is a list of suggestions for each style that are useful to many people who prefer that style. Pay extra
attention the styles in which you had the highest scores in Calm or Storm.

It's a good idea to scan other styles as well to see if there are any suggestions elsewhere that also work for you.

Now, We will read the items on the lists together.

 Things that people who favour the
Competing style often want from others:

Move towards me, not away from me.

Talk with me, don't go silent.

If there's a problem, I want to sort it out as soon as possible.

Delaying a discussion for no good reason upsets me!

If you need space to cool down or think about things, that's fine
but please explain your need and let me know specifically when
you will be ready to talk about things (e.g., in an hour, or
tomorrow at nine o'clock, etc).

I am often very task-focused but I care more about relationships

than I sometimes let on.
 Things that people who favour the
Competing style often want from others:

If you remind me to give more attention to the relationship, I'll

usually try to honour it.

I am more likely to notice and respond positively to your needs if

you approach me when I'm not in the middle of a task.

Don't just tell me you have a problem; let me know you want to
work with me to solve it.

If you can, tell me what you want rather than dwelling on what
you don't want.

I appreciate being given information: about your intentions,

options for resolution, data, etc. I respond positively to a sense
that you're genuinely trying to help me get all the information
needed to see what is going on
 Giving me time and space to think things through almost always helps
me to feel you're trying to be reasonable.

You will probably get more of what you want if you use a "two-step
Things that approach" with me. Step One: Tell me what you want to talk about and
suggest a time to talk. Step Two: Only then, at the agreed time, have the

people who discussion.

Or: Step One: make a request and ask me to think about it. Step Two:
favour the Come back later to get my response.

Avoiding style Speed and pressure frustrate me.

Move slowly, one step at a time.

often want It's easier for me to be positive if you stay lowkey; as in keeping the

from others: volume and pressure down.

I am more likely to say yes to something if I have information about it

and time to examine the info. The more data about precedents,
possibilities, rules and regulations, cost, benefits, etc., I have, the better.
 Things that people who favour the
Collaborating style often want from
others:
I don't want either of us to lose; I want both of us to win. I'm at my
best when we work together to try to accomplish that.

I'm ready to put time and effort into dialogue on things I care about
and I appreciate it when others are ready to do so as well.

It's important to me to talk things through and know all sides have
been heard, not just have a shouting match.

I don't expect quick resolution of difficult matters. I'm prepared to go

through a phase of intense discussion or disagreement. What matters
to me most is the tone of things. I appreciate people who can strongly
disagree in ways that are respectful.

I'm uncomfortable when people go along with me "just to be nice".

I'd rather know exactly what you're thinking, in a respectful way of
course.

I really appreciate a good listener.

 Things that people who favour the
Collaborating style often want from
others:
You can be direct and candid about what you want with me, so long as you are
respectful.

Taking responsibility for mistakes impresses me. I can overlook a lot so long
as you circle back and make it right, but the sooner you do this, the less
damage there will be.

I hear criticism more easily if you present it as information about things you
want or need rather than making demands.

I like having a plan for a difficult conversation. For example, we could agree
at the beginning of a conversation that: 1) We'll start by giving each of us a
chance to say what we're unhappy about. 2) Then we'll make a list of what our
main differences are. 3) Then we'll make a list of things we agree on or
appreciate about each other. 4) Then we'll look at each of our differences in
turn.

I can be pretty intense about things. Please don't just disappear or walk out. If
you need a break, it works fine for me if you explain what you need and tell
me when you'll be back and ready to talk again.
 Being fair, realistic, moderate and reasonable is important to me. I
appreciate it when others notice these values in me or bring them
into a conversation about differences.
Things that
people who If you back off a bit from your position or request, I'm likely to do
the same.
favour the
Compromising Take a "two-step approach" with me: 1) Say honestly what your
first-choice solution would be; 2) Then without a lot of delay make
style often want an offer somewhere between your first choice and my first choice.

from others:
Don't drag the discussion on and on. Let's say what we want, find a
compromise we can both live with, and then and get on with things.
 Talking about things in a way that is not angry or hostile is an
important goal for me.

I tune out of conversations that are long, heavy, and intense.

Things that people Keep it "light". Have a sense of humor, express appreciation, be
positive.
who favour the For me, relationships always come before people. You'll

Accommodating probably get more of whatever you want from me if you use a
twostep approach: 1) Begin on a light note and chat about non-
style often want serious things for a few minutes; 2) Only then settle down to
serious discussion.
from others:  I appreciate small gestures of friendship: a kind note, a
compliment, bring me a cup of coffee, a thoughtfully chosen
gift, a card, acknowledgement of work I've done, etc.
 Things that Since I value relationships and hate offending anyone, it's

people who easier for me to speak my mind if you assure me you really
want to know what I think.

favour the I handle long discussions better if we take regular breaks and

Accommodating
"lighten up" from time to time.

I respect task-focused people who know how to notice and

style often want appreciate the human beings around them as they work.

from others: