FADE IN:

INT - THE SEQUENTIAL DETECTIVE AGENCY - NIGHT

Smolder sits on the edge of the desk, Scullery sits at the desk, Alan sits on top of the
desk, and Steve stands in the doorway.

SMOLDER
You want us to prove that God's not
real?

STEVE
No. I want you to prove that this guy
I met isn't God.

SCULLERY
So you want us to prove that this guy
you met is a liar?

STEVE
Basically.

ALAN
Do we look like Theologians to you?!

STEVE
I don't know... what do Theologians look
like?

SMOLDER
They look like the type of person who'd
lurk around a gas station and dress
in clothes that don't belong to them.

SCULLERY
What the heck are you talking about
Smolder?

SMOLDER
I have no idea!

STEVE
Are you going to help me or not?
 ALAN
We'll take the case.

EXT - CHURCH - DAY

Scullery and Smolder are standing in the middle of the church. Scullery is holding Alan.
Sezbak walks toward them.

SCULLERY
What are we doing here Smolder?

SMOLDER
We're gonna ask Pastor Sezbak about God.

SEZBAK
Oh, I'm not a pastor.

SMOLDER
Father Sezbak then...

SEZBAK
I don't have children.

SMOLDER
If you're not a Father or a Pastor then
what are you?

SEZBAK
I just like to think of myself as a dude
who hangs out in a large building.

SCULLERY
We'd like to ask you some questions about
God.

They all sit down on the nearest pew.

SEZBAK
Well first I need to know which god you're
referring to and then I need to know if
you're FBI agents.
 SCULLERY
We're referring to the one true God--

SMOLDER
And we use to be FBI agents...

SEZBAK
But you're not anymore right?

SMOLDER
Right.

SEZBAK
That's good cause if the government
ever found out about what Unitarianism
is really all about we'd be screwed.

ALAN
What's the latest thing you guys believe in?

SEZBAK
We believe that everyone has an invisible
wallet and we're trying to learn how to
pickpocket that wallet from unbelievers with
our brains.

ALAN
That sounds lovely.

SMOLDER
What can you tells us about God?

SEZBAK
Nothing really.

SMOLDER
Are you sure?

SEZBAK
I might have some pamphlets that
actual christians dropped off in a vain
attempt to evangelize us.
 ALAN
We'll take 'em.

CUT TO:

EXT - APARTMENT COMPLEX TABLE AREA - DAY

Smolder and Scullery sit at an umbrella covered table looking at pamphlets. Alan sits on
the table.

SCULLERY
These pamphlets are sort of helpful...

SMOLDER
I was clearly misinformed about Christianity.

GOD walks by the table. He's dressed in a long white night shirt and a fake white bushy
beard. He's also bald.

ALAN
There he goes!

Smolder and Scullery drop the pamphlets.

ALAN
What's the game plan?

SCULLERY
I think we should be subtle and trick him
into saying something that proves he's not
God.

SMOLDER
Good plan Scullery.

Smolder and Scullery stand up and casually stride up to God. Scullery is holding Alan.

SMOLDER
So we hear you think you’re God.

Scullery smacks her forehead with her right palm.

GOD
 That’s interesting because I heard I
am God.

SCULLERY
And you believe that?

GOD
God doesn’t base his belief that he’s
God in anything other than himself so yes,
I do believe that.

SCULLERY
That doesn't seem logical.

GOD
What if I asked you why you believe
you’re a human?

SMOLDER
Touche.

CUT TO:

INT - BACK ROOM - DAY

Smolder, God, and Scullery are sitting on a couch playing a video game. Alan is sitting
on Scullery's lap.

ALAN
Well If you’re God then show us a sign.
Make a roller coaster so dangerous that
even you would die if something went horribly
wrong.

GOD
That's an impossible miracle for an
omnibenevolent being to perform because
all roller coasters are extremely dangerous.

SMOLDER
Then levitate or---

Smolder puts down his controller and holds up a kumquat.

 SMOLDER
--turn this kumquat into a vegetable.

GOD
Why would God have to prove he’s God.
I want you to have faith in me.

Smolder puts the kumquat down and picks up his controller again.

SCULLERY
So if you give us proof then we can’t have
faith.

GOD
Yes, because faith is believing despite evidence
to the contrary.

CUT TO:

INT - BATHROOM - DAY

Smolder is sitting on the edge of the bathtub, God is sitting on the toilet cutting his toe
nails, and Scullery and Alan are sitting on the counter.

SMOLDER
So then why don’t you give us evidence that
you’re not God. Because that sounds more like
something God might do then?

ALAN
Like maybe plant fake Dinosaur bones all
over the world so that we think evolution is
true when really they’re just leftovers from
some cosmic dinner.

GOD
Well God isn’t the one who supplies the
contrary evidence. That would be silly. It’s
those evil scientists that are deceiving you
all. You need to disbelieve the science
without reason, because it proves that I
don’t exist.
 SMOLDER
Wait... what?

CUT TO:

INT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

God, Smolder, Scullery, and Alan are all sitting in a circle in the dark.

SMOLDER
Let’s change the subject. What about the
problem of evil?

GOD
Umm, I’m not sure there is a problem with
evil.

God winks at Scullery and she feigns death.

SMOLDER
Really? Cause a dead hamster I had in 3rd
grade thinks there’s a problem with death.
And death seems pretty evil.

GOD
Death is a natural part of life.

SCULLERY
If you’re God then you can do whatever
you want, so why did you make death a
part of life?

GOD
Because I’m God. I do what I want.

ALAN
Then maybe you’re not good cause
death is terrible.

GOD
Do you know what good is, or what
a good God would even be like?
 SMOLDER
That seems like a pretty complicated question,
but I do think that any God who isn’t good isn’t
the greatest possible being imaginable and is
therefore a poor candidate for the genuine God.

God winks at Alan and Alan flips upside down.

SMOLDER
(causally)
You're clearly the murder.

GOD
So you’re saying that if I’m not good then I’m
not God?

SMOLDER
Sure.

GOD
Why can’t God be who he wants to be?

SMOLDER
What if I wanted to be God?

GOD
I wouldn’t stand in your way. How do you
think I became God?

ALAN
(muffled)
Ha! We got you!

GOD
Oh please!

CUT TO:

INT - THE SEQUENTIAL DETECTIVE AGENCY - NIGHT

Smolder sits at the desk and Scullery and Alan are sitting on the couch. Smolder is on
the phone.
 SMOLDER
We secretly recorded him saying it.
(pauses)
Yeah.
(pauses)
Steve, I wanna ask you something.
Why was this so important to you?
(pauses)
Boredom isn't a good reason! Stop
wasting our time!
(pauses)
Well, at least my mother isn't in prison!

Smolder hangs up the phone.

SMOLDER
I'm starting to not like Steve.

SCULLERY
I never liked him in the first place.

The phone RINGS.

Smolder answers the phone.

SMOLDER
Hello...

INT - JEFF'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

Jeff is huddled up on his bed with the phone.

JEFF
Drake came back from the dead...

FADE OUT:
THE END