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Collected by Natasha Snider

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You know, there are three levels of stupid. There's the kind of stupid you do without thinking about it and never realize, there's the kind of stupid that bites you in hindsight, and there's the kind of stupid where you know it's stupid and you decide to do it anyway. That right there was a little bit of each one.'

* I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B

Negative. * Optimism means you just lack information * "I swear, if he takes another step towards me, I shall shoot him. In the face. With a missile. * "I'm not a pessimist, I'm a realist. Life sucking doesn't make me all emo and gloomy. * Okay, so that wasn't funny. Help! Someone stole my humor! * Good morning. I see the assassins have failed again. * Youre right. Violence isnt the answer. Its the question and the answer is yes

* "There are very few personal problems that cannot

be solved by a suitable application of high explosives. * I would explain it to you, but I am fresh out of crayons. * And so after much wrangling with our consciences (and by "wrangling" I mean "ignoring" and by "much" I mean "about ten seconds") * Don't play stupid with me, I'll win. * "If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong."

* I didnt lie, I just twisted the truth slightly * The sole purpose of having a full name is so you can
tell when you're really in trouble. * I'm a bomb tester. If you see me running, try to keep up. * Clearly you're incapable of appreciating my genius. * That was actually a pretty good one. I'm shocked it came from your mind. * Let's be civil about this! In my defense, I fully expected the fire to kill you!

* Damn it Carl! How many times do I have to tell you!

Pillage THEN burn. * "I'm not opinionated, I'm just always right. * And which dwarf are you? * If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, Id be happy to do it for you. * A good listener is usually thinking about something else. * Thank God you are unique/one of a kind. * Come right in! Thanks for ignoring the closed door and the do-not-disturb sign; I only did that out of boredom."

* I do have a sense of humor. For example, I'd laugh

hysterically if you got run over. * "You forgot the ammunition?" I could have shot him. Except, of course - no bullets. * Sarcasm. It's easier than actually having to deal with stupid people. * I thought about being sane. This seemed like more fun. * I'm an apathetic sociopath - I'd kill you if I cared. * it's dishonorable of me to engage an unarmed person in a battle of wits.

* "I'd like to offer moral support but I have

questionable morals. * "If you need to talk, I will pretend to listen. * The fact I haven't maimed you horribly is celebration enough. Woo hoo * "I think about death every day. I think about YOU every day. It's funny how often the two thoughts coincide * You don't make me laugh. You make me want to shoot something, and then laugh

* Nature can be so cruel. I mean, look at you. How

could it screw up that badly? * If only you were able to stop being such an idiot, I wouldn't have to hate you as much * That's what I like about you. You're a reliable disappointment * I really dislike you. Honestly, it keeps me up at night * "I haven't had my morning coffee so I'm finding it difficult to find a more colorful way to say I don't care."

* "If you ever do want to know my opinion, rest

assured it will always be that you're an incredible pain. * "Do you at least remember what you were doing the day they were passing out common sense?" * "They say things happen for a reason. So remember, when I murder you with a heavy, blunt object, I had a reason. * "Sure, sure. That's a great idea! I was just going to recommend throwing ourselves off the nearest cliff and saving them the trouble of killing us, but you're spot on with that one!"

* "How dare you deny my nonsense with your logic! I

won't stand for it! * Wait No, I cant do this. I have a conscience! * Its like playing tag at recess in elementary school. You make up the rules as you go, and they always benefit you! * "I would think C2's smile lights up the room, but now I know it's just the glow of everyone else's hopes and dreams being incinerated. * "Will you please sit down, shut up, and at least PRETEND like you MIGHT have some sort of a brain?"

* I dont exactly hate you, but if you were on fire and

I had water, Id drink it. * Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit as said by those incapable of its proper application and as such suffer from it a lot. * Im sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew. * Oh, I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I kept to myself. * Grammar jokes are funny: The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense

* Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one

plans a murder out loud * If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, Id never be bored again. * I dont have an attitude problem. You have a problem with my attitude, and thats not my problem. * Im not clumsy. Its just the floor hates me, the tables and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in the way. * I dont trip, I do random gravity checks.

* What do we have to lose? Our lives? We got those for

free anyway. * "How dare you deny my nonsense with your logic! I won't stand for it! * X never marks the spot. It's where you're supposed to stand when the booby traps go off. * You're only immortal until you die * You know, there's a very fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased that line, and replaced it with a trout. * "I think, therefore you and I have nothing in common." * "Nothing like the smell of brutal irony in the morning!"

* Some things don't have to make sense. In this case it's

probably better if it doesn't. * "Chaos, panic, and destruction. My work here is done. * ''How it is that my life has gotten to the point that you telling me that sounds completely normal? * Im not crazy; Im insane. Theres a difference, you know. Crazy is when youre a mindless buffoon, no thoughts whatso-ever. Insane is when you have a mind, you just choose not to use it. Or any logic for that matter. But you still have a mind. * "She has two brains, ones lost and the other is out looking for it. * Patience is not a virtue - it is a waste of time!

* Ignorance killed the cat, curiosity was framed. * " This shotgun is my master key, any lock opens

magically when I blow a door off it's hinges. * In this world, there are two types of people: those who are different, and those who are not the same. * "The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. * "I did not fall, I attacked the floor. * "Life isn't about change, it's about avoiding change, and the sooner you realize that, the happier you'll be."

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"Evil? No, not really. I'm a realist. Come to think of it, that is so much scarier. What does it say about the world we live in?"

* "FBI, Open the door!"

"No... it's cool when you break in * C1: What do you WANT from me?!?! C2: A dollar. C1: BESIDES a dollar. C2: Two dollars. * C: Why are you so sarcastic? C2: It is my body's natural defense against stupidity. * C1: You're not dead. C2: No. C1: Congratulations. * C1: Are you crazy? C2: I wouldn't say crazy. Maybe an eccentric who looks good in jeans.

* C1: I beg to differ.

C2: Then you beg to be wrong. * C1:"It's hopeless talking to you ..." C2"I know. It is. So why do you keep doing it? * c1: You can argue with anyone about anything c2: No I can't c1: You just proved my point. c2: No I didn't * 1: Are you talking to yourself? 2: I was until you interrupted. * C1- didn't we used to have more friends to chose from? C2- we drove them away with our sheer awesomeness C3- yeah we did! high five!

* C1- Have you no conscience!

C2 - Of course I do! It's in a little silver box at the back of my closet screaming, "Let me out, let me out! You're making bad choices! * C1: If you kill me, Ill haunt you for the rest of eternity. C2: A tempting offer: An eternity haunted by you must be better than five minutes of conversation with you. * C1: For the record, I blame you. C2: What!? This was your idea! C1: Well, you should've talked me out of it! * C1: What if I kill you? C2: Trust me, won't help. * C1: "Is it more fun?" C2: "Is what more fun?" C1: "Being stupid.

* C1: "Do you trust me?"

C2: "No." C1: "Good. One of us needs to be the voice of reason here. * I've got you now, fiend!" "That's what you think! Now face the fury of my ninja!" "That's a toaster." "A ninja toaster!" "I'm pretty sure its a regular toaster." "You are more perceptive than I anticipated. Now time for my dramatic escape! * C1: I like villains who are rational. C2: He tried to destroy all humankind! C1: Yes, but he did so rationally.

* C1: "You think he's finally dead now?"

C2: "No. I'm sure that the doctors can reattach his head. * C1: I wouldn't like to run into one of those on a dark night! C2: That's not likely to happen. C1: Oh gC2: They hunt in packs. * C1: Are you insane? C2: Dunno. But I'll keep you posted. * C1: If we don't think of something, we'll be trapped here eternally! C2: Like, forever? C1: Thank you for that astounding definition of the word 'eternally. * C1: "In war, either you loose, or you die." C2: "That doesn't make any bloody sense!" C1: "Neither does war."

* "so this is an act of revenge?"

"no, revenge is for the weak who cannot admit defeat." "so what is it?" "a rematch wit." C2-"Well, I try to cater for my audience.

* C1-"You know, sarcasm is the lowest form of