w w w. t h e t r u t h o n l i n e .

i n f o
Weather

+42 oC
Sunny
N:O 232 ISSUE 2/2018 FREE

MOON NAZIS
News Page 2
Itchy Bitchy
Machines eats

ATTACK EARTH!!!
Apple
News Page 3

Biologist TRUTH
Killed by
Extinct
Bird

News Page 3

Pirate
Party
victorious
in Sweden

Alleged Moon Nazi collaborators Klaus Adler and Renate Richter:

Responsible for the death of millions?

World peace was disturbed early proceeded to bomb strategic mili- ed about the ominous, swastika According to the latest news the first
News Page 4 Thursday morning when New tary targets near the capital cities. shaped, anomaly, allegedly a Nazi wave of the attack has been repulsed
York, Mumbai, Tokyo and Berlin The identity of the attackers re- moon base, found on the far side successfully. Property damage and

Don’t were subject to surprise attacks.

According to reports eight massive
meteorites were launched from
mains unclear, but several sources
described the war machines as
decorated with what looked like
of the Moon in February, but it is
yet to be confirmed if the attacking
force is indeed somehow linked to
civilian and military casualties are
yet to be determined, but analysts
have already labelled this as the

Hold orbit, creating nuclear strike level

destruction upon impact. Immedi-
ately after the initial attack huge
Your war machines spat out thousands
of saucer-like ground attack planes,
World War II-era Nazi emblems.
Analysts consider the attack’s most
likely source to be Nazis from the
so-called dark side of the Moon,
where they had lain hidden since
the lunar anomaly.
A United Nations emergency
most devastating attack in the histo-
ry of man. There are rumours of
meeting was called up immediately an unidentified space fleet moving
after the first attacks. Heated discus-
sion about retaliatory measures is in
towards our planet from the dark
side of the Moon, indicating a

Breath
which entered the atmosphere and 1945. The Truth Today report- progress, led by US President Bush. second attack wave on the way.
Continued on page 2

Entertainment Page 4

Exchange Cobrastyle The Beatles’

ASI 11.98 1.6 % to headline the White Album’s 50th
DN 10.00 2.00% New-Wembley opening anniversary
SS 5.40 5.50%
LF 1.50 5.23%

times_new_roman_tes.indd 1 5/6/09 5:43 PM


02 News
Numerous sources described the emblems on the war machines as World War II Nazi insignias.
NASA:
Weather Balloon
In an official NASA an-
nouncement, NASA spokes-
person Roslyn Villacorta
stated that the alleged attack
is nothing more than inter-
ference caused by a weather
balloon. “There are numer-
ous recorded cases of weather
balloons causing this kind of
problem”, Villacorta stated in
a press conference. “There’s
no reason for panic.” Villa-
corta made no comment on
the widespread destruction in
the capital cities, but she was
heard repeating to herself,
“Weather balloon, weather
balloon...” upon exiting the
press conference room.
Star Wreck 4 brings
back the original cast
It was announced yester-
day that the fourth film in
the Star Wreck series, work-
ing title The Fourthinging,
will feature the original cast
of the first Star Wreck film.
Creator/producer Samuli
Torssonen will return to the
silver screen to play the role
of Emperor Pirk, as request-
ed by the internet commu-
nity. The third Star Wreck
featured an all star cast of
times_new_roman_tes.indd 2-3
President Bush: Our liberty has
been compromised
The President of the United
States, Jenna Bush, opened
the UN emergency meeting
early on Thursday morning.
“Our liberty has been com-
promised, and it is our duty
to answer it with the utmost
aggression. In the crusade
against the crooked cross, the
United States is taking the
lead. Their first wave was eas-
ily defeated. The second wave
threw some rocks on us and
fled. This is going to be an
easy victory!”, the character-
istically tipsy president Bush
declared before going on to
argue at length against wear- The attackers caused huge destruction across our planet.
ing tennis socks with sandals.
Brad Pitt, Clint Eastwood,
Megan Fox and Johnny
Depp and was a huge box
office hit. “It was great to
work with a star cast, but
we felt that we wanted to
go back to Samuli’s moth-
er’s house and do the things
the retro way this time,”
commented director Timo
Vuorensola.
The original Star Wreck
movie, In the Pirkinning,
Issue 2/2018
”
“
To support the military-industrial complex,
external threats will be manufactured, first in the
form of the Russians, then the Third World, then
asteroids, and finally aliens.
--Dr. Wernher von Braun ”
Mad Dog claims
the Hyper WWF
title TRUTH
Wrestling – The most brutal
wrestler of all time, Mad
Dog, won the Hyper WWF
title in Las Vegas yester-
day. In the final round Mad
Dog punched the wind out
of his rival, reigning cham-
pion El Huracán with two
consecutive belly breakers
and ended the fight with
his signature move Doggy
Bag. “Dog is the toughest,
roughest and I’ll doggy bag
you if you don’t watch my
reality show!” gloated the
new champion after prying
the Hyper WWF champi-
onship belt from his oppo-
nent’s broken hands.
Itchy Bitchy
Machines eats
Apple
TRUTH
NEW YORK CITY
Itchy Bitchy Machines has
created a robot with a
digestion imitating that of a
human being, including the
ability to provide energy to
the body.
The machine can use any
plant matter as its energy
source. In a press confer-
ence the reporters invited
to see the new product wit-
nessed it eat apple, as part
Jscatty
of the fruit test.
This new energy source
for machines has already
been endorsed by the Eu-
ropean Union. The EU has
long had a positive stance
on bioenergy as a power
source for cars and houses.
As robots become a more
and more everyday sight,
having them eat the same
food as people, and more
(pulp for example), the
was released in 2005 and need to build new nuclear
created a huge fan follow- power plants to power new
ing on the internet. The no robot technology is less-
budget film was released ened.
for free on the internet as The next project in huma-
a thanks to the community nising the robot is making it
which helped in creating the suffer from lactose intoler-
film, and quickly reached ance and allergies. It is ex-
over ten million viewers pected that the market for ro-
worldwide. The 3D version bots will grow as people find
of In the Pirkinning was re- out how human the products
leased late last year. of Itchy Bitchy Machines ro-
TRUTH bot department are.
Issue 2/2018
Man Arrested for Suicide
In New York today, a local man was arrested for committing suicide. When asked why he did it, he declined to comment. The NYPD spokesman claimed, “The man did the crime and
now he has to do the time.” His corpse is sitting in a cell waiting for the hearing, where he is expected to continue to exercise his right to remain silent.
German Biologist Killed in Freak Accident
by Extinct Bird
German biologist Gordon
Kohl, who had been
stationed in Argentina to
study the vegetation in the
forests of the Gran Chaco
province, was killed on
Tuesday in what scientific
minds all over the world
have dubbed both ‘a terri-
ble tragedy’ and ‘an amaz-
ing discovery.’ Kohl’s
associate Brian Davis said
that Gordon was ‘minding
his own business perusing
ferns’ when ‘an enormous-
ly large bird came swoop-
ing down and grabbed him
by the shoulders’. Kohl’s
half-eaten body was later
DV k.co.u
O N
OUT tarwre
w.s
ww
IKEA inter-dimensional
secret revealed
Shoppers visiting IKEA
stores all over the world
have wondered for many
years how it is possible to
enter through the ground
floor entrance, only to
find oneself deposited on
the third floor and having
to make one’s way down
through every single depart-
ment of the store in order to
get to the checkout line.
Now the secret is out,
thanks to a whistleblower
who has come forward to
support a complaint made
to the European Scientific
Board. It turns out that after
decades of research, cost-
ing a total of 5.2 billion eu-
ros, IKEA scientists made
a breakthrough in inter-
dimensional travel back in
2005, but the discovery was
labelled a trade secret and
found hanging out of
a tree. Zoologists have
identified the bird from
descriptions as argentavis
magnificens, also known
as the ‘Giant Teratorn’, a
creature six million years
old and long thought to be
extinct.
The discovery has baf-
fled scientists and prompt-
ed debate from religious
scholars who protested
today at the Museum of
National History in Lon-
don, telling passersby to
‘shove evolution up your
ass’. Internet discussions
have proclaimed that ‘God
M AY 4 k
D
c film productions. The film’s
so was not made public.
The scientific community
is incensed that such an im-
portant discovery has been
kept from them. The head
of the physics department
at MIT, Robert Hooke, says
of the news: “We can hardly
believe it – it’s such an im-
portant breakthrough, and
here we have a company
hiding it from the world in
order to bolster the sales of
their useless flat-packs! It’s
outrageous!”
Consumer protection
groups are also dismayed
by the revelation. Maria
Sklodowska of the Con-
sumers United for Real
Influence in Europe group
is horrified: “How do we
know that this technology
is safe? Millions of unsus-
pecting customers have
www.thetruthonline.info
News 03
is the biggest troll ever.’
When asked to comment,
Stephen Hawking was
heard to have said ‘What
the fuck?’
Green groups have cre-
ated the Previously-Ex-
tinct Native Intelligence
Society (PENIS) for gath-
ering information on new
species previously thought
to be extinct. NEUTERS
Last picture taken of Gordon Kohl before the attack taken from the camera found
from the site where he was last seen.
Pirate Party
AJ Annila to direct the next
James Bond film TRUTH
victorious in
Finnish film director AJ An– in Southern UK; rumours
nila will be directing the claim it to be the very best
Sweden
next Bond film featuring the Bond story ever written.
most successful box office
Bond ever, Daniel Craig. TRUTH
The upcoming Bond movie
will be the 27th in the line The Pirate Party has received The founder of the Pirate
and it will be produced via over 64% of the total votes Party, Rickard Falkvinge,
the virtual film studio Wreck in the Swedish parlamen- commented that the victory
a Movie, where the commu- tary election yesterday and is a landmark in the history of
nity plays a large part in became the leading political freedom of speech and indi-
party in Sweden. The party vidual liberty.
script is based on a previ- became a force to reckon The neighbouring countries
ously unknown story by the
original James Bond author
with in 2009 when, due
to the ongoing Pirate Bay
of Norway and especially
neo-communist Finland an-
Ian Fleming. The manuscript trial, many pro-online free- nounced immediately the
was found last year inside dom individuals joined the termination of all political
the fireplace of a small hostel AJ Annila party. A shadow was cast ties with the Swedish govern-
over the victory by claims ment until the “criminals and
that hackers had infiltrat- hooligans” are removed from
ed the computerised voting office in Sweden. In their of-
system and altered votes. ficial press videocast the Finn-
These claims still haven’t ish government announced
been confirmed by Project that they support the return of
TRUTH Worm officials investigat- the exiled king of Sweden to
ing the case. the throne.
been subjected to exposure stop using the technology
from whatever it is that and to hand it over for sci-
powers this thing. Who can entific evaluation. So far
tell what sort of effect this little has been revealed
might have on them in the about the exact workings
long term?” of the device, but leading
Legislation is currently scientists hope to get their
being prepared in order to hands on it soon.
force IKEA to immediately
IKEA flags on a typical entrance for a
inter-dimensional passage.
5/6/09 5:43 PM
 04 Entertainment
A Blind Spot Pictures Press Publication
From the readers:
Missed My Copy
of “The Truth
Today”
Hi Guys,
With all the Nazi hubbub on
the Moon and the mass panic
it has caused, my newspa-
per wasn’t delivered to my
door. There I was eating my
organic Organo Pops, and
that familiar thud, of a rolled
up paper was absent from
my daily rouitine. I under-
stand that with this crisis and
potential invasion that deliv-
ery may be a little delayed. I
would love to see a PDF of
the latest newspaper.
Yours sincerely,
Charles Anderson
P.S. Because I live in Austral-
ia, gravity is reversed, so I
checked my ceiling for the
newspaper first, before I sent
you my letter.
The Truth Today answers:
Dear Mr.Anderson. We
sincerely apologize for the
delay in delivery of the latest
copy of The Truth Today.
We have been experiencing
some delivery problems in
your area, but will send you
the copy as soon as possible.
Until that you can read The
Truth Today online at thetru-
thonline.info.
The Beatles’ White Album’s
50th anniversary
This year 2018 is the 50th
anniversary of the Beatles’
White Album. Long gone
is the Soviet that was greet-
ed with Back in the USSR,
Blackbird has also sung now
for fifty years and Martha
been oh so dear...
Ironically the world econ-
omy has gone Helter Skelter
times_new_roman_tes.indd 4
Blind Spot Pictures
Hämeentie 11. Hki 53. FIN
www.blindspot.fi
spot@blindspot.fi
Cobrastyle to headline the New-Wembley opening
Finnish electro rockers
Cobrastyle will be the head-
liner of the New-Wembley
opening concert in Septem-
ber. A total of 520,000 tick-
ets will be available, includ-
ing the brand new K-class
hovering VIP seats. The
Duke Nukem
Forever
After 20 years of develop-
ment, 3D Realms’ compu-
ter game Duke Nukem
Forever will be released
on 1 April this year. The
announced date should be
reliable, since a beta version
of the game has been avail-
able for the past year. An
anonymous playtester stat-
ed that the expectations for
the game are so high that
there is “no way in hell” the
finished version will be able
to live up to them.
XKCD
during the last two decades
and many of citizens around
the world have admitted
that Happiness is a Warm
Gun. People talking about
Nazis on the Moon and con-
spiracies, should know any-
how that Everybody’s Got
Something to Hide Except
Me and My Monkey. You
Editor in chief: Ukko Kaarto
Editor: Antti Hukkanen
Designer: Tania Rodríguez
Editorial Staff:Timo Vuorensola, Jarmo Puskala
New-Wembley concert will
be the opening for Cobras-
tyle’s “Cylons Never Sleep
2018” tour, which in the
end features an orbital gig
on one of the satellites.
Other confirmed bands on
the New-Wembley lineup
now think you want a Revo-
lution? So Why Don’t We
Do It in the Road, no one
will be watching us?
Now turn your record
players back on and play
that Beatles White Album
loud and clear from your
amplifiers. Maybe there is
a message there, as some
include UK’s finest Fight-
star, noise kings Älymys-
tö, Muse, The Prodigy
and Laibach. Tickets for
the concert are available
through Ticketmaster and
w w w. c o b r a s t y l e m u s i c .
com. TRUTH
Riku Kaminen
people claim, because the
music of the Fab Four has
lasted for half a century
now. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah
yeah...
- Brian Brimstone, music
journalist of the 60’s. The Beatles
Issue 2/2018
Contributors: Timo-Heikki Mäkelä,
Ben Tennenbaum, Charles Anderson,
David Yacobus, Seppo Hiltunen,
Amy Macintyre, David Schiro and Jack Malinowski
Don’t Hold History
Your Breath Repeating
TRUTH TRUTH
It is quite unhealthy to hold Film aficionados may recall
breathing for more than a the 2011 science fiction film
few minutes, and therefore Iron Sky, which told the
unadvisable. Not breathing story of Nazis on the Moon
regularly could lead to brain attacking the Earth. With the
damage, claims the latest current orbital attack going
research by Dr Quacken- on, that plot seems startling-
bush. He forced volunteers ly realistic. Several details in
to hold their breath and then the film are uncannily accu-
performed psychological rate, such as the identity of
tests using standard IQ test the U.S. President, which
patterns. surely could not have been
Just a couple of minutes known when the film was
without breathing caused written a decade ago. When
the IQ tests show results in approached for comment,
the level of idiotism, but the director Timo Vuorensola
condition was reversible. could not be located; accord-
It was remarkable that ing to his secretary, he
longer periods without retired to a private bunker in
breathing almost invariably early March.
led to death by suffocation,
at least the symptoms were
practically indistinguish-
able, says Dr Quackenbush.
He has already applied for
more funding to further
study this interesting be-
haviour.
Randall Monroe www.xkcd.com
5/6/09 5:43 PM