14 ISSUES IN BOY-GIRL RELATIONSHIPS

The following guidelines are the position held by the SFC Community in fostering better
relationships between brethren in CFC Singles for Christ. They are not uniquely "Filipino" as
some people would argue. They are Christian in nature and should therefore transcend cultures
of whatever nature.

Some of the stipulations may appear as hard teaching. They certainly would entail sacrifices
from an individual. However, we believe that by following these guidelines, the best conditions
of the relationship will be achieved. There are exceptions to the rule, of course; but they remain
as exceptions. We who have opted to follow Christ's teaching of selfless love should therefore
make these guidelines our basis for relating to the opposite sex.

Note: For the purpose of this presentation, special relationship means a formal boyfriend-
girlfriend relationship.

1. Undefined Relationships (Mutual Understanding)

We have been taught that God is very particular about keeping one's word. In fact, in the Bible,
there are so many references on how He, Himself, kept His word to His people. And that His
word was not just an utterance but a promise. The promise which was the "Word became flesh
and dwelt among us" is Jesus Christ.

Since we are followers of the Lord, we also ought to be able to keep our word as much we are
able to speak it. We therefore ought to say what we mean, and mean what we say. In a
situation that a man wishes to have a relationship with a woman, he cannot allow himself to
get into an assumed relationship with her. He has to openly declare his intentions. And the
woman must likewise declare her acceptance or non-acceptance of her suitor when she has
decided so.

To speak is to be committed to what you say. Saying nothing means no commitment. We
therefore dont tolerate undefined relationships.

2. Pre-marital Sex

No matter how accepted pre-marital sex is in a society, our position is to have a counter-culture
within our community at the very least. Christianity itself introduces radical points of view to
the world that materialistic and hedonistic cultures will scorn at. We make an effort to
implement such a counter-culture within our ranks so that others may see in us an example
that can be imitated. We would like to show that it is actually possible to remain chaste and
pure before marriage.

Many have committed to a second virginity. And we have had a number of brethren who were
promiscuous prior to entering community but now have decided to live chaste and holy lives.

3. Intimate/Personal Gestures

We realize that people are brought up in different ways. Some were taught to be expressive.
Others grew up in an environment where it is preferred to be at an arm's-length away from
someone they care for. However, in community, we believe that there are gestures which are
exclusively for those who are in a special relationship. Examples would be: kissing on the lips,
hugging, holding hands, and sitting snugly with each other when there is other space available.

Some would object to these guidelines because they argue that there is no malice in their
gestures. We pass no judgement on their motives. However, we cannot account for what the
other person is feeling at that point in time. This is specially true with men who react instantly
and quickly to such gestures and who can be aroused by sight alone. The other argument
against this is actually the question, what would differentiate your "friendly" relationships at
present which has a lot of this intimate gestures to a real special relationship where the
expectation is to have such intimate moments more than the usual.

4. Long Distance Love Affairs

If there is anything constant in this world, it is change. People change, and they do all the time.
The only way people are able to keep abreast with the changes that are happening with each
other is when they communicate. The more often they communicate, the greater the chances
of being able to bridge the gap being created by change. This is why even in CFC, a couple is
asked to have one-to-ones even if they live under one roof. Though they may be living together,
the pressures that impinge and catalyze a person's character are so numerous that if two
people don't talk to each other in a deep way, they will end up as strangers in due time.

If it is difficult for two people who live together to remain intimate with each other without
communication, it is so much more with a special relationship between a man and a woman
who will be able to see each other only in a couple of years. Despite the many inexpensive
ways of keeping in touch despite the distance between partners, it cannot be denied that there
are many things that a couple cannot experience through chat, email, video calls, etc. simply
because they are not together physically. What we advocate therefore is for the couple to
formally break off from each other, releasing the other person of his commitment to be loyal to
the partner. They can continue the friendship and then after the period of being apart, assess if
they want to recommit because their love has survived the test of the long distance. We need
to realize that people can change especially given a new environment, a new set of friends, a
new lifestyle, and it would be worse if the couple end up ending the relationship while apart
because of betrayal (one has found someone else) or because one has lost interest.

The case is different, however, for engaged couples. By engaged we mean those who have
formally arranged to be married within a year. This is because with engaged couples, the
commitment is permanent in nature and only lacks the final blessing of the church. They may
not be advised to end their relationship but it is best to shorten the period of separation and
not allow it to drag on too long especially if it will continually delay wedding plans.
Finding a potential partner and later having a special relationship with someone online or by
phone or text is also highly discouraged. Again, it is very difficult to really communicate and get
to know each other deeply by text or online communication. Even with a webcam, it is very
difficult to gauge the sincerity and true character of a person you cannot really be with
physically. How will this person deal with your family members? with ordinary people? with
your friends? with the poor? How are his friends like and how is it like when you are both with
his friends or your friends? How can you be sure he has no vices?
5. Prolonged Relationships

We advocate that men start to court only if their intention is clear that the reason they are
vying for the relationship is to eventually marry, barring any major impediment. Major
impediments would range on issues like religion, number of children, living with in-laws, place
of residence, etc. which could bring about major disagreements. So, when two people get into a
relationship, it should not take more than two to three years to find out if there is any major
impediment. In which case, the next step would therefore be marriage after that prescribed
period.

The normal argument against this is that people want to find out if they are indeed getting the
best deal by marrying the person they are in a relationship with at this time. The truth of the
matter is that there will always be someone better - someone brighter, prettier, more pleasant,
more humorous, etc. So if there is no real impediment between two people, then they should
commit to each other in a deeper way and work towards marriage. Otherwise, it will always be
an insatiable posture that can lead to adulterous relationships later on.

The other justification that people make in prolonging relationships is that they are preparing
materially for the marriage. We have seen this posture vary from culture to culture. And usually
in first-world settings where you have a more materialistic environment, they prefer that
certain material needs are secure by the time of marriage, i.e., a house, car, education for the
children, etc. However, we have seen a lot of couples who have started from scratch and were
able to build their respective homes and educate their children even if they had practically
nothing at the start. So, it is not crucial to be secure in those facets of married life in order for
two people to decide to tie the knot.

When relationships last for more than three years and extend to as far as five, the tendency is
for the woman to lose on opportunities for a new relationship if the present one takes a
negative turn. She would have reached the age of 30 or beyond which characteristically have
set ways that make it difficult for men to relate with them. Men of this age, on the other hand,
are able to get much younger women who are more flexible in their ways. Thus, the older
woman is left hanging at the point of break-up having less opportunities for a new relationship,
after turning away potential suitors at the time the relationship was still intact.

6. Women as Relationship Initiators

Since SFC is a ministry of CFC, we believe in the teaching that the husband is head of the family.
He acts as protector, governor, priest and provider of the family. And we prepare the single
person for this kind of culture and mindset at the very start of the relationship, that is, at
courtship. Therefore, the initiator of the relationship has to be the man if he does believe in the
role of the man in the family.

The usual argument of women against this practice is there are certain men who take time
before they show any interest or who may be timid in character and will not really make a
move in courtship. And it may just take a lifetime for some women if they wait for such men.
So, these women would like to have the option of initiating the courtship. But following our
principle of headship, this will run contrary to our beliefs, unless the women would want to be
the head of their respective families. We have yet to see a woman who would like to be
protector, provider, governor, and priest of the family all in one. The second point against is,
would a man who does not have initiative be worth the trouble? These are the questions that a
single woman must ask herself if she is seriously considering doing the courtship.

Again, as we have taught in other fora, women may encourage a suitor in a subtle way so that
he will take it that she is interested in him as well. Signs of encouragement during courtship
are: being excited during dates, going out on a date whenever asked, giving tokens of
appreciation, dressing up in a special way to be more attractive, and always having a pleasing
disposition whenever the suitor is around.

7. Virginity

We realize that with the influence of media and the practices of young people today that it is
very difficult to maintain ones virginity. In that light, there is a greater number nowadays who
engage, and who have engaged, in pre-marital sex. The position we take is to ask individuals to
commit to a second virginity, that they will keep themselves pure and chaste and hold on to
their second virginity as a gift to their spouse. However, it should not matter to anyone if the
person whom she/he is in a relationship with is no longer a virgin. The only requirement would
be to have a full disclosure of this situation, especially if the couple is about to get married.

8. Break-ups within the community

We always believe that we are brothers and sisters in the Lord first before romantic
relationships come into play. It should not therefore be a cause for brethren not to attend
household meetings or assemblies of a chapter because the person that he/she broke up with
is in the group. Unless there is serious pastoral difficulties such as betrayal, pregnancies, and
disrespectful behavior, the couple should agree to be friends with each other and agree that
they will remain faithful to the community even if they may not agree with each other totally.

9. Love Triangles

A love triangle is defined as two people having an interest in one person. If two of the three are
in a special relationship, the third party should not in any way interfere with the relationship
even if it is on the rocks, so to speak. If there is no special relationship involved, say for
example two brothers courting one woman, the policy is may the best man win. There is no
first-come-first-serve order in courtship. The woman, having to wait on who will court her,
should have the flexibility of choice because she may not have the luxury of time. On the other
hand, two sisters interested in a brother, would have to wait on the brother to make his choice.
The brother should not court both but, in prayer and discernment, choose the prospective
partner without testing the waters as to who most likely will accept him.

10. Courtship Patterns

As stated in the first teaching in the Mens and Womens fora, the steps to courtship are as
follows:

a. Men and women treat each other as brothers and sisters regardless of whatever
attraction they may have.
b. Then as people get to know each other in a much deeper way, the brethren should
treat each other as friends. Opportunities for going out as a group in which the
brothers and sisters may get to know each other are many.
c. Service also is an opportunity to see the kind of heart the sisters and brothers have
in community. It is at this stage that the brethren can treat each other as co-workers
in the vineyard.
d. If after these stages, the brother finds the sister attractive, he should pray about her
and try to get to know her even better in an informal way. Consultation with his
household head is necessary in order to get an objective input about the whole
proceeding.
e. When the brother finally decides that this is the woman that he wants to court and
commit to in a serious way and barring any major impediment will get married to
her, he makes a declaration of his intentions to the woman and may proceed to go
on one-to-one dates and express himself in gestures and in words.
f. The prescribed period of actual courtship is three (3) to six (6) months, during which
both parties should be praying for enlightenment on what Gods will is. If the
woman doesnt see the relationship going beyond friendship and brotherhood, she
must state so clearly and respectfully. The brother in turn should accept her decision
like a man, respect the decision of the woman, and maintain his friendship with her.



11. Fleeting Relationships

One of the reasons we advocate that men go through an intensive discernment process and
that they have a vision of getting married to the person whom they will court is to avoid the
frequency of having fleeting relationships. The situation of having fleeting relationships
unnecessarily creates hurts and also the impression that the man, or even the woman, does not
know what he wants. Many brothers have gone through this experience have found it working
against them in the end. Sisters lose respect for men who cant seem to maintain a relationship.
Even in corporate settings, frequent job-hopping implies an unstable individual.

12. Mixed Marriages

Mixed marriages (having different religions) are not encouraged for the simple reason that we
always advocate that you choose a partner in life who has the same vision as you do. Getting
someone who has different viewpoints could present a major impediment in marriage and be
the source of strained relationships later on. The second point is, assuming that a settlement of
issues like the raising of children and the kind of ceremony to be held is made, there is the
difficulty of speaking in authority regarding the religion to be taught to the children. For
example, it will very hard for a non-catholic mother to teach her children about the catholic
faith, which probably was the agreement made prior to getting married.

13. Courtship Between Friends

There is a very high probability that friendships evolve into romantic attractions. Sometimes
people have expectations that a friendship should not be anything else than what it actually is.
When a friendship takes a different course between a man and a woman, or at least either one
of the parties concerned has taken a romantic turn, the other person considers it a betrayal.
This should not be so. Our brethren should always be open to that possibility but have the
option, as in any courtship situation, to turn down the degree of the relationship that is being
offered if he/she does not see going beyond what it is at present a friendship.

14. Being In Love

Some single people wait and look for the X factor in order for them to consider someone.
That is indeed a plus, but it is not totally necessary. In fact, feelings fade and also have its ups
and downs. If a person solely based his/her decision to get into a relationship through his
feelings, then that person will soon come face-to-face with a disappointing situation. He or she
would have fallen out of love. But love is a commitment. It is a verb not an adjective. It is an
action word that defines the conviction of a person to take care of someone in a deep way. It is
not determined by feeling. It remains constant because it involves a personal decision to
remain constant. Married people would say that sometimes the feelings, of being in love, die
down in time. However, when they make a personal decision to love again, then the feeling
comes back.