STRICTLY(PRIVATE(&(CONFIDENTIAL(

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Document(Service!
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Task(ID(Number(

Client(username(

3528!

angel9106

( |( ( DOCUMENT(REQUIREMENTS:(
The online application allows you to include your statement of
purpose. This statement should be brief and concise. Your
statement is a means of helping match your academic and
research interests with those of our faculty. This is very
important if you are applying for financial support. It should not
be a personal life history, but should contain only such
personal details as will aid the Admissions Committee in
evaluating your application.
Describe exactly which field you wish to study at UCLA. The
graduate research for the MSE Department falls into one of
three fields of study:
Ceramics and Ceramic Processing
Electronic and Optical Materials
Structural Materials

Question
Included
in document.
Broken down.
Key elements
highlighted.

!
( |( ( NOTES:(
Hi!!!!

Clear points to client

made in a friendly way.

Thank!you!for!the!opportunity!to!review!this!statement!of!purpose.!I!enjoyed!the!opportunity!to!get!to!know!
you!through!your!writings.! !
All!the!best!!
Here!are!some!specific!points!to!help!you:!
1. The document lacked a clear structure. I made changes to the intro paragraph and final paragraph
and then rearranged some text to make the structure consistent with the opening and closing
statements.
2. Your overall grammar and word usage were very good. There are likely going to be some more edits
on the second iteration, but I wanted to give you a chance to work through the structural issues first.
3. Once I have more information from you I will incorporate it and help create a smoother flow to the
document. I will also perform a carefully focused final proof-read.

Repeated material excerpted

and reasoning explained.
Authoritative voice.

I!look!forward!to!reviewing!your!second!iteration.!Thank!you.!
!
This%will%be%elsewhere%in%your%application;%repeating%material%is%not%advised:%
I!got!my!bachelors!degree!in!University!of!Science!and!Technology!Beijing,!the!top!
university!for!Materials!Science!and!Engineering!in!China.!Deeply!rooted!in!core!courses!
such!as!Chemical)Materials!and!Fundamentals)of)Materials)Science,! !
!
Saying%this%does%not%add%to%your%case%for%your%admission%because%it%is%self;evident%and%
doesnt%relate%to%you:%
Studying!at!UCLA!would!provide!me!with!the!systematic!training!I!need!to!work!as!a!
member!of!a!research!faculty,!pursuing!my!academic!objectives!
!
I%advise%against%including%this%because%it%is%just%some%general%and%well;known%information%
about%electric%cars%and%the%environment;%it%doesnt%help%you%make%your%case.%
Minimal!environmental!impact!is!extremely!desirable!in!heavilyVpolluted!Beijing,!however!
the!majority!cannot!afford!the!expense!entailed!by!models!such!as!the!Tesla!model!S,!which!
represent!very!costly!peace!of!mind.!LargeVscale!production!of!electric!vehicles!for!
longVdistance!travel!remains!in!its!infancy,!but!my!interest!in!exploring!this!industry!is!
longstanding.! !
!
This%is%not%what%theyre%asking%for%in%the%questionthey%want%to%know%what%youll%do%at%
UCLA;%theyre%not%asking%about%general%stuff%like%thisthey%want%specifics!%
My!longVterm!goal!is!to!develop!cheap!and!stable!means!by!which!to!power!electric!
vehicles.! ! !
!
This%doesnt%contribute%to%your%case%for%admission;%it%is%a%general%observation/believe%that%
does%not%tell%the%committee%anything%substantive%about%your%research%objectives.%
My!research!experiences!as!a!masters!candidate!in!Peking!University!revealed!that!the!road!
of!scientific!research!is!full!of!barriers,!but!I!am!confident!to!meet!all!the!challenges!with!my!
determination,!perseverance!and!creativity.!
!
Formal%summary;type%material%is%unnecessary;%they%know%you%hope%theyll%consider%your%
application.%Thats%strongly%implied%by%the%fact%youve%made%the%application!%
I!believe!that!my!previous!efforts!have!prepared!me!for!a!successful!pursuit!of!a!PhD!in!
Material!Science!and!Engineering!at!UCLA,!and!I!hope!that!you!will!consider!my!application!
for!admission.%
!
!

Information of limited
value pointed out with
explanation.

Exclusion of generic, tiresome formal language.

Author
Comment([1]:(Remember:!anyone!can!say!this:!
UCLA!is!the!ideal!place!for!me.!
!
Can!you!tell!me!three!specific!reasons!why!it!
would!be!good!for!you?!

Author
Comment([2]:(Be!clearer:!What!type!of!
training!do!you!need!to!achieve!your!goals?!
Which!specific!facilities!at!UCLA!would!assist!
you!in!acquiring!this?!

Author
Comment([3]:(Did!you!grow!up!in!Beijing?!

Author
Comment([4]:(This!is!a!very!broad!and!general!
goal.!Can!you!be!more!specific!about!what!
aspects!of!your!discipline!youd!like!to!pursue!
at!UCLA!that!would!allow!you!to!begin!
fulfilling!this!goal?!

Critical engagement
with the question.

Author

Comment([5]:(Also,!you!have!not!specified,!
per!the!SOP!instructions,!which!field!of!study!

you!wish!to!pursue.! !

Understanding of how a doc of this type

(SoP) works This information was previously distributed throughout
!

the document; it was moved here to replace a narrative

style opening, more suited to a PS.

At!UCLA,!my!research!focus!would!be!on!chemical!synthesis!of!Perovskite!thin!films!
with! smooth! surfaces! and! their! scope! for! improving! conversion! efficiency! in!
Perovskite! solar! cells.! Other! materials,! suitable! for! energy! conversion! and! storage!
devicessuch!as!supercapacitorsare!also!of!great!interest!to!me.!The!potential!of!
transition! metal! oxides! in! the! next! generation! of! fastVcharging! pseudocapacitors! is!
also!an!area!of!significant!interest.!Accordingly,!I!am!also!interested!in!studying!the!
relationship! between! cathode! and! anode! materials! in! asymmetric! capacitors,! and!
Language tothe!ways!in!which!they!may!be!calibrated!to!achieve!the!maximum!efficiency.! ! ! !
link paragraphs
!
These!interests!have!arisen!from!several!years!dedicated!to!exploring!the!interplay!
between! the! structures! and! properties! of! substances.! During! my! early! research,!
which!focused!on!FePt!nanocrystals,!I!became!highly!motivated!to!identify!desirable!
reaction! conditions! to! control! their! morphology.! Following! a! great! deal! of! effort! I!
achieved! uniform! FePt! concave! nanocubes,! which! represent! a! superb! catalyst! for!
methanol!oxidation.!To%be%extended.!
!
My! second! project,! on! FePtAu! trimetallic! nanocatalysts,! entailed! an! extensive!
Technical
process! of! investigation! and! collaboration! with! my! advisor,! Prof.! Yanglong! Hou.!
terms
Although! I! correctly! predicted! the! role! of! Auas! an! electron! pool,! to! enhance! the!
Googled
COVresistance! of! FePt! catalystsit! took! many! practical! trials! to! realize! my! idea.!
to
Ultimately,! however,! by! using! an! Ar/H2! atmosphere! in! an! oleylamine! system,! I!
determine achieved!high!quality!FePtVAu!heterostructures!with!tunable!size!and!shape.!Noticing,!
FePt! and! Au! lattice! rings! following! similar! a! direction! and! distance,! it! stuck! me! to!
correct
distinguish! them! in! HRTEM! images.! I! spent! many! nights! taking! images! in! the! TEM!
spelling
center!in!order!to!clearly!understand!the!compositional!distribution!of!FePtVAu!and! !
and
I! was! subsequently! able! to! explain! the! structure! of! FePtVAu! products! clearly.!
useage.
Accordingly,! the! golden! rule! of! structure! determining! property,! obtained! with!
FePtVAu! exhibiting! 20%! more! activity! and! 15%! more! stability! when! catalyzing!
methanol!oxidation!than!its!FePt!counterpart.! !
!
XPS! results! confirmed! a! synergistic! effect! between! Fe5C2! and! NVgraphene!
nanocomposites,!signaling!the!presence!of!ORR!active!sites.!As!a!result,!the!catalytic!
current! density! of! Fe5C2/NVgraphene! exceeded! the! commercial! Pt/C! in! alkaline!
media.! This! was! extremely! exciting,! given! the! soaring! price! of! Pt! and! it! helps!
contribute! to! my! objectives! by! prompting! my! interest! in! producing! nonVprecious!
metal!nanocatalysts!for!fuel!cells.!Since!largeVscale!production!hinges!on!low!cost,!I!
am! currently! attempting! to! coat! a! thin! carbon! shell! over! Fe5C2! nanoparticles! to!
secure!longVterm!stability!in!oxygen.! !
!
Given! my! objectives! and! interestsalong! with! my! prior! experiences! and!
achievements! in! energy! nanomaterialsI! feel! well! prepared! to! tackle! a! PhD! at!
UCLAs! Materials! Science! and! Engineering! department.! In! particular,! I! hope! to!
conduct!research!under!the!supervision!of!Professor!Yang!Yang,!whose!work!on!XXX!

Author
Comment([6]:(This!first!paragraph!needs!to!
...![2]

Author
Comment([7]:(This!narrative!style!of!

...![3]

Author
Deleted:(

...![1]

Author
Deleted:(.!It!is!for!this!reason!that!I!desire!to!
...![4]

Author
Comment([8]:(Be!clearer:!What!type!of!

...![8]

Author
Comment([9]:(Never!pay!these!sorts!of!

...![9]

Author
Comment([10]:(This!is!redundant!because!you!
...![10]

Author
Moved(down([1]:(I!wish!to!conduct!research!
...![6]

Author
Moved (insertion) [1]

Prompts for
specific,
Deleted:(.!I!want!to!explore!power!systems!for!
...![5]
Author concrete
Deleted:(detail
...![7]
Author throughout
Deleted:(
...![11]
text
Author

Author

Comment([11]:(What!was!the!context?!

Author
Comment([12]:(Describe!this!effort!in!detail.!
...![12]

Author
Deleted:(

...![13]

Author
Comment([13]:(What!was!the!context?!

Author
Deleted:(Since!I!plan!to!work!as!a!faculty!
...![14]

Author
Deleted:(! taught!me!the!importance!of!...![15]

Author
Deleted:(Aware!of!the!soaring!price!of!Pt,!I!
...![16]

Author
Deleted:(! extremely!exciting!when!PS!...![17]

Author
Comment([14]:(The!context!here!is!a!little!
...![18]

Author
Comment([15]:(Also,!you!have!not!specified,!
...![20]

Author
Deleted:(My!research!experiences!as!a! ...![19]

Author
Comment([16]:(What!would!you!say!are!the!
...![21]

has! correlations! with! my! own! work! on! XXXX.! Furthermore,! I! am! fascinated! by!
Professor!Bruce!Dunns!approach!to!XXX!and!XXX.!To%be%extended.%
!

Prompt the client effectively to prevent him

or her from submitting something that is
generic, bland and counter-productive to
their efforts. The L2 service means youre
looking out for your clients best interests
(within the parameters of the service).

Author
Comment([17]:(You!need!to!provide!more!
information!about!why!these!gentlemen!in!
paritcular!are!of!interest!to!you.!Referencing!
their!names!in!this!way!without!any!
supporting!observations!will!actually!have!a!
negative!effect!on!your!application!because!it!
looks!casualanyone!with!Internet!access!
could!find!faculty!names:!I!suggest!you!write!a!

Get involved with your clients exciting

ambition! This is what the service fee covers.
Would you submit something like this for
your own application? I hope not! ;-)

paragraph!explaining!what!it!is!about!their!
work!you!admire!and!how!it!relates!to!your!
own!endeavors/goals.!