MODERN FAMILY

"REALLY NORMAL ACTIVITY"

Written by
Jordan Krueger

ACT ONE
CLAIRE INTERVIEW
CLAIRE
This is the one time of year where
Im in control... So the meaning of
Halloween to me? Peace of mind and
nothing spiralling out of
control... Knock on wood.
Claire quickly knocks on the table in front of her.
MITCHELL AND CAMERON INTERVIEW
CAMERON
Its another opportunity to dress
up as my favorite character from
Cats
MITCHELL
No, not this again, not right now.
CAMERON
Yes! Yes again... Yes right...
Meow.
JAY AND GLORIA INTERVIEW
JAY
The weather is perfect, the
conditions are fantastic... Its a
good day to hit the course.
GLORIA
This is about Halloween, Jay. Not
your golfing. Not everything is
about your golfing.
JAY
Where theres a will... Theres a
way.
CLAIRE INTERVIEW
CLAIRE
And thats what it means to me and
thats what matters right? I mean
what could possibly go wrong?
Claire knocks on the table again.

2.
INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Claire and Phil are hanging orange and black streamers from
the wall and ceiling. Claire switches to fake cobwebs and
begins draping them over pieces of furniture.
PHIL
I cant believe how fast you woke
up this morning, I know you love
the yearly Halloween party build
up... But I didnt know you were
that excited.
Phil turns to Claire
PHIL (CONTD)
I heard even heard you yell in the
shower, I wish I could be that
happy in the mornings.
CLAIRE
My trick is having a husband who
refuses to fix the water heater and
being forced to take a freezing
cold shower... It wakes you up.
PHIL
The water heater is broken? I had
no idea. The cold water is the only
thing that wakes me up in the
morning... Its part of the ol
Phil wake up routine.
CLAIRE
Yeah, well I called my dad and he
knows what he is doing with it and
said hed be over first thing
today... I just dont know what he
considers to be first thing.
Phil picks up a fake cobweb and begins to attach it to the
wall.
CLAIRE (CONTD)
No, no, no... The cobwebs go on the
furniture... Like the tables and
side tables, not the walls.
PHIL
Okay, Halloween police. Duly noted.

3.
PHIL INTERVIEW
PHIL
Halloween Police... Classic.
Well, I didnt see a badge, so...
Phil quickly puts a cobweb on the wall.
CLAIRE (O.S.)
No cobwebs on the wall!
Phil slowly removes it from the wall.
INT. CAMERON AND MITCHELLS DUPLEX - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Mitchell is picking up magazines off the couch and sighs
loudly.
MITCHELL
Cam! You really need to stop
leaving your magazines on the couch
when you binge read them.
Mitchell picks up a small piece of black fur from the couch.
MITCHELL (CONTD)
And you need to stop shedding...
Mitchell looks up and towards the bedroom.
MITCHELL (CONTD)
Cam! No! No Cats! Please! Tell me
you are just fostering another
stray.
Mitchell begins to walk out of the room, picking up pieces of
black fur as he goes along and his face quickly becomes more
and more mortified.
MITCHELL (CONTD)
Please, Cam, please just say you
found a Gremlin and fed it after
midnight.
Mitchell picks up a much larger piece of fur and sighs
loudly.
MITCHELL (CONTD)
Please say you just got an early
start on craft night and went
overboard.

4.
INT. CAMERON AND MITCHELLS DUPLEX - BEDROOM - DAY
Mitchell enters to find Cameron in an entirely furred cat
costume from Cats sitting on their bed.
CAMERON
We both know you couldnt stop this
from happening.
Cameron stands up and moves away from the bed.
CAMERON (CONTD)
But I really need to stay off the
furniture until I get this shedding
under control.
A piece of fur drifts off of the costume and glides into
Mitchells face who quickly pulls it off.
MITCHELL INTERVIEW
MITCHELL
In the 10th grade I knew I wasnt
going to win the election for class
president. Sally Galligan was
unstoppable, there was no stopping
her and her ruthless campaign.
He holds up a piece of fur
MITCHELL (CONTD)
But I still hoped. I hoped I could
stop the inevitable.
INT. JAY AND GLORIAS HOUSE
Gloria is pouring a bag of candy into a large bowl when the
phone rings. She grabs the phone off the counter and answers.
GLORIA
Claire? Jay left here to go to your
house early this morning.
Gloria pauses and listens to Claire on the phone.
GLORIA (CONTD)
He said the bag he had was his tool
bag!
Gloria pauses again to listen to Claire as her hand squeezes
the phone hard and her eyes narrow.

5.
GLORIA (CONTD)
He said it was a golfer costume and
he was just trying it on! Ill
track him down.
Gloria hangs up the phone and firmly places it on the
counter.
Manny enters and takes a piece of candy from the bowl and
eats it.
MANNY
When Jay gets back from golfing,
can you tell him that I need a ride
to the costume store again? Im
feeling a little bit self conscious
about how that cape fits.
GLORIA
You knew Jay was going golfing? And
you didnt say anything to me?
MANNY
Of course I did. Golfer costume,
who would fall for that one? That
Jay... He certainly is a joker. But
really, that old trick? Who would
fall for it again?
Manny grabs another piece of candy and chews on it.
MANNY (CONTD)
He said his sweater was in the
washing machine last time we were
having a Christmas party... And
that his golf clothing was the only
thing clean and warm enough to wear
while doing yard work... And he
went golfing.
Gloria begins to glare and Manny steps back a bit.
MANNY (CONTD)
He even showed up for career day at
my school after he forgot about it
and you reminded him... He said
that he was a career golfer and he
had the clubs with him to
demonstrate... You really didnt
know he was going golfing today?
Are you sure?
Manny reaches for another piece of candy but Gloria takes it
from his hand and puts it back in the bowl.

6.
MANNY (CONTD)
I guess Ill find another ride to
the costume store...
Manny slowly exits the room.
GLORIA INTERVIEW
GLORIA
Of course Im the last to figure it
out. He must think he is so clever.
She finishes pouring candy into the bowl.
GLORIA (CONTD)
His golfer costume... Well I hope
he likes my spooky... scary...
angry wife costume.
INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
The walls are adorned with streamers and Phil and Claire are
looking over their work.. Claire quickly yanks a cobweb off
the wall and puts it over the top of the couch.
CLAIRE
I just hope my dad shows up tonight
for the party... He pulled the
golfing getaway routine on Gloria
again.
Phil laughs loudly but catches Claire glaring at him.
PHIL
Right... What an irresponsible
thing to do, no stand up husband
would do that... Regardless of how
much comedy gold youd deliver in
the process.
Claire sighs and continues draping cobwebs.
CLAIRE
So, speaking of stand up
husbands, I figured you could at
least try to look at the water
heater before one of our children
freezes to death?
PHIL
How can I refuse that call to
action?
(MORE)

7.
PHIL (CONT'D)
My family is at stake and I will
not let them down. We Dunphy men
are always ready to rise to the
occasion.
An excited Luke comes bounding into the room. Claire and Phil
look up at him.
LUKE
Theres something crazy going on
upstairs!
Claire quickly turns to Phil and points to him.
CLAIRE
See? I told you theyd freeze!
Claire turns to Luke
CLAIRE (CONTD)
Oh, Im sorry honey... I forgot to
tell you that the water heater was
on the fritz and to be careful.. Is
your shower completely out of hot
water too?
LUKE
Shower? Oh, I havent taken one in
a few days... But no. I was walking
around and I heard this knocking on
the walls and this...
Luke mimics a loud wailing sound
LUKE (CONTD)
But I know what it has to be!
CLAIRE
Great, first the water heater and
now the rest of the plumbing.
LUKE
No, not that. Its definitely ghoGhosts!

PHIL

PHIL INTERVIEW
Phil points forward and is beaming.

8.
PHIL
Its a Halloween miracle! Who ya
gonna call?
Phil holds makes his hand into a fist and pumps it into the
air.
His hand gets caught in a cobweb hanging from the ceiling but
he manages to yank it free.
PHIL (CONTD)
Dunphy and son... Ghost busters!
CLAIRE INTERVIEW
Claire furiously knocks on the table.
END OF ACT ONE