MODERN FAMILY

"Career Change"
Written by Rodney Ohebsion
Copyright 2014 rodney3399@gmail.com
INT. MITCH & CAMERONS HOME (BATHROOM) - DAY
A PLUMBER (late 40s) is sitting on the floor next to a
toilet, staring into space.
Cameron walks in.
CAMERON
Hey. Uh. Hows it going in there?
PLUMBER
Oh. Uh. Its going OK.
CAMERON
Yeah. I was just wondering. Cause.
You know. Youve been working on my
toilet for a while. And, um, you
dont seem to be, um, working, or
moving. I havent seen you move in
like an hour.
PLUMBER
Yeah. Im just... a little
distracted.
CAMERON
I see.
PLUMBER
My wife.
CAMERON
Your wife?
PLUMBER
My wife. I think shes cheating on
me.
CAMERON
Oh. Well. You know. Shes probably
not cheating.
PLUMBER
What makes you say that?
CAMERON
Well. You seem like such a great
couple.
PLUMBER
Do you know us?
2.
CAMERON
Well. I know a lot of couples like
you.
PLUMBER
Like us? Youve never even seen my
wife.
CAMERON
Um. Well. ... Would you like a soda
or something?
PLUMBER
Whiskey.
CAMERON
Whiskey?
PLUMBER
Whiskey.
CAMERON
Um. Wont that impair your ability
to plumb?
PLUMBER
No. I plumb better drunk than I do
sober.
CAMERON
Have you tested that theory
scientifically?
PLUMBER
My wife. Shes sleeping with my
cousin.
CAMERON
Do you want your whiskey on the
rocks?
INT. MITCH & CAMERONS HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
(Documentary Interview Scene)
CAMERON
(to camera)
I hired a plumber. He turned me
into a bathroom bartender.
3.
INT. DUNPHY HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
Phil is standing, and on the phone.
PHIL
Back-to-back. ... Yeah. ... OK.
He hangs up. Claire walks in.
CLAIRE
Hi honey.
They kiss.
CLAIRE
How was work?
PHIL
You know the house on Oak Street?
Sold!
CLAIRE
You sold a $2 million home!
PHIL
Uh. Did Michael Jordan three-peat
twice?
CLAIRE
Phil--I dont know what that means.
PHIL
It means I sold a $2 million home.
CLAIRE
Wow! Honey! Thats... a lot of
money.
PHIL
Yeah. By the way. The home on
Miller Street? Sold!
CLAIRE
What?! You sold another $2 million
home?
PHIL
Hell no. I sold it for $2.2
million. Yeah. I dont bother with
measly $2 million sales anymore.
You should know that by now.
4.
CLAIRE
$2.2 million. And $2 million. Ive
never added that much money before
--but Im pretty sure it all equals
$4.2 million. $4.2 million. In one
day. Phil--that comes out to...
$4.2 million per day.
PHIL
Well. I didnt do the "per day"
math--but Ill take your word for
it.
CLAIRE
Were moving on up, Phil. Youve
hit your prime. Get on your phone.
Do some more selling. Sell, baby,
sell! Keep the momentum going.
PHIL
Well. You see. Um. The whole real
estate agent thing. Im not
really... I dont... its just...
the thing is... it isnt really
lighting my fire.
CLAIRE
Your fire?
PHIL
Yeah. You know. At this point in my
career, Im not finding it
fulfilling. Selling homes hasnt
been lighting my fire.
CLAIRE
Interesting. Well. Let me just
remind your fire that you made more
money today than you did in all of
2013.
PHIL
Which is good. Because now we have
money. And now that we have money,
we wont be needing any more money
for a while.
CLAIRE
Who the hell filled up your head
with a ridiculous idea like that?
Was it that Zen Buddhist guy at
your gym? Phil--I told you to stop
talking to him. The next time you
(MORE)
5.
CLAIRE (contd)
go to the gym, stay away from him,
and just chit chat with all of
those pretty girls in tight pants.
PHIL
Honey. I want to try out a new
career.
CLAIRE
Phil--weve talked about this. You
cant be a magician.
PHIL
No. Not magician.
CLAIRE
OK. Then what?
PHIL
... Gigolo. ... Im kidding. ...
Art. Im gonna paint. With
paintbrushes. And paint. ... Well.
Say something.
CLAIRE
I actually prefer the gigolo idea.
PHIL
I already bought the art supplies.
And I started an hour ago.
INT. DUNPHY HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
(Documentary Scene interview)
PHIL
(to camera)
My fire has been lit.
INT. DUNPHY HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
(Later)
Phil has an easel, canvas, and paint set up, and hes
working on a painting. (The painting remains concealed to
the TV viewer throughout the episode.)
PHIL
(singing)
Just a gigolo. Everywhere I go.
6.
INT. JAY & GLORIAS HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
GLORIA
Do you have any idea why Jay has
been playing video games so much
lately?
MANNY
I dont know why he does most of
the stuff he does. I stopped trying
to figure him out two years ago.
GLORIA
Hes a man in his 60s, and he
bought himself one of those
box-boxes.
MANNY
You mean x-boxes?
GLORIA
Whatever. Hes always playing the
box-box. He was up till 1 am
yesterday.
MANNY
Thats actually a good sign for
your marriage.
GLORIA
How?
MANNY
Well. Let me put it this
way. Youre still in your party
years, while Hays has entered his
Social Security years. I figured by
now that hed be going to bed at 8,
while youd stay up till 3. But the
two of you are in the same time
zone.
GLORIA
You think Im still in my party
years?
MANNY
Of course.
A car honks.
7.
MANNY
Thats Bob. I gotta go.
GLORIA
Dont be home late.
MANNY
Dont party too much tonight.
INT. MITCH & CAMERONS HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
Cameron is on the phone.
INT. MITCHS OFFICE - DAY
Mitch answers his phone.
MITCH
Yeah.
(Back and forth between Mitch & Camerons Home and Mitchs
Office)
CAMERON
(quietly)
I got a bit of a problem involving
the plumber. Hes been here for two
hours.
MITCH
Our toilet must be really broken.
CAMERON
No. The plumbers head is whats
broken.
MITCH
What?
CAMERON
He thinks his wife is cheating on
him.
MITCH
Are you talking about the plumber
in our home, or the plumber on Days
of Our Lives?
CAMERON
Mitch. Hes not working. Hes just
sitting next to our toilet. Hes
(MORE)
8.
CAMERON (contd)
distracted. I asked him to leave,
and he didnt leave. He said he
wants to finish the job. But hes
not finishing the job. Hes
finishing our whiskey.
MITCH
I hope you gave him the cheap
whiskey.
CAMERON
Should I call the cops?
MITCH
That seems a little extreme. How
about you just talk to him?
CAMERON
Id rather call the cops.
MITCH
Dont call the cops.
CAMERON
Can you come home early and help me
deal with this?
MITCH
No.
CAMERON
Why not?
MITCH
Im kind of busy doing something
other than talking to a drunk
plumber.
CAMERON
You sound kind of snobby right now.
What--youre unwilling to talk to
the working class?
MITCH
Cam. You know perfectly well that
one of my best friends is a
plumber.
CAMERON
Well why didnt we have him fix our
toilet, instead of the whiskey
drinker whos sitting in our
bathroom?
9.
MITCH
Because having a friend fix your
toilet is awkward.
CAMERON
As opposed to having a drunk
stranger sit next to your toilet
and discuss his marriage with you.
Thats not awkward at all.
MITCH
Cam. I gotta go.
INT. DUNPHY HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
Phil is working on a painting. Hes shirtless, and wearing
flip flips and short shorts. Claire is sitting nearby on the
sofa, watching TV. Haley walks in.
HALEY
Hi mom.
CLAIRE
Hi sweetie.
HALEY
Um. Hi dad.
Phil turns around, stares at her for a few seconds, and then
turns around and continues working on his painting.
HALEY
Uh. Two questions, mom. Whats for
dinner?
CLAIRE
Spaghetti.
HALEY
And which mental institute should
we put dad in?
Phil turns around.
PHIL
Honey. Im just working on some
art. I have a creative life that
balances out my overall life.
Balance. I have balance. When you
think about it, that actually makes
me saner than the rest of you.
10.
He does a somersault, and then resumes working on his
painting.
HALEY
I was kind of with you until that
whole part about the somersault.
INT. DUNPHY HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
(Documentary Interview Scene)
CLAIRE
Apparently, Phil has entered his
post modernist phase. Its marked
by vibrant colors and acrobatic
behavior.
INT. DUNPHY HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
Phil is still painting. He turns around and hugs Claire and
and Haley.
PHIL
I love both of you so much.
He goes right back to working on his painting.
CLAIRE
(to Haley)
Honey. Were still looking for the
right mental institute. Can you
find one on the internet?
Phil turns around again.
PHIL
Let me just say this. Youre the
perfect wife and youre the perfect
daughter. Its not crazy for me to
love you so much. But it would be
crazy for me not to love you so
much.
He resumes working on his painting.
HALEY
(to Claire)
Has he been talking to that Zen
Buddhist guy?
11.
CLAIRE
Probably. By the way, honey--your
fathers gonna take a few years off
from his job, in order to pursue
his art.
HALEY
Great. Does that mean youre gonna
cut my allowance in half?
CLAIRE
Actually, no. Were gonna double
it. Because your father sold two
expensive homes today, and made a
lot of money.
HALEY
Oh. Congratulations, dad. Um. Im
not sure how I feel about all of
this. Ill be in my room.
PHIL
Spaghetti!
INT. SUPERMARKET - DAY
Gloria is putting a loaf of bread in her cart. COLLIN (21,
good looking) is a few feet away from her.
COLLIN
Ive been here for five minutes. I
have no idea which bread to buy.
Like, what I should look for in a
bread?
GLORIA
I dont know. Ive been buying the
same kind for five years.
COLLIN
Well. Im still trying to find the
right one.
GLORIA
I see.
She studies his body language. He seems very flirty.
GLORIA
Well... I think you should keep
looking.
12.
COLLIN
its hard to know when youve found
the right bread, or the right car,
or the right apartment. But for
some reason, the right woman is
easy to spot.
GLORIA
Really? Well. Uh. Hopefully youll
find her. Keep looking.
COLLIN
OK. How was your day, by the way?
GLORIA
What?
COLLIN
Well. Im just asking. Because I
can just tell by looking at you,
that youre not asked stuff like
that very often.
GLORIA
Sure I am.
COLLIN
OK. If you say so. But if you want
to talk about your day with me, go
for it.
GLORIA
I dont even know you.
COLLIN
Right. Thats true. So do you want
to go out sometime?
GLORIA
Im married.
COLLIN
Ill bet your husband doesnt ask
you about your day. Does he?
GLORIA
... How old are you?
COLLIN
Youre avoiding my question.
13.
GLORIA
Youre avoiding my question. How
old are you?
COLLIN
Im an adult.
GLORIA
How adult are you? Put an age on
your adult.
COLLIN
You see that six pack of Coronas
over there? Im old enough to buy
it. Legally.
GLORIA
Im old enough to buy a 12 pack.
COLLIN
So youre 21 like me?
GLORIA
Not quite. Ill be turning 21 in
March. Not this March--but one of
the Marches in the 1990s. Are you
familiar with that decade? Its the
one where you were watching
Spongebob.
COLLIN
Lets focus on this decade. The one
where Im a man, and youre a
woman.
GLORIA
A married woman.
COLLIN
Im detecting an accent.
GLORIA
Oh. Youre very perceptive.
COLLIN
Would you mind repeating that?
GLORIA
... Youre very perceptive?
COLLIN
I just like hearing your voice.
Its music to my ears.
14.
GLORIA
... What?
INT. MITCH & CAMERONS HOME (BATHROOM) - DAY
The Plumber is sitting on the floor next to the toilet,
finishing a glass of whiskey.
PLUMBER
Can I have some more whiskey?
CAMERON
Um. The thing is, in my bathroom,
we have a two drink maximum.
PLUMBER
Shes cheating on me. I know it.
... Are you married?
CAMERON
Yeah.
PLUMBER
Is your wife cheating on you?
CAMERON
I doubt it. I mean, were
newlyweds. Plus, my wife is a
husband.
PLUMBER
Right. Yeah. I detected a lot of
gayness from you. But Im just so
distracted with my marriage, that I
forgot about your gayness.
CAMERON
Interesting. Youre the first
person to ever forget about my
gayness after detecting it.
PLUMBER
You know, Ive never had a
conversation with a gay before.
CAMERON
Wow. Thats very surprising.
Especially considering how you just
referred to a gay man as "a gay."
15.
INT. MITCH & CAMERONS HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
(Documentary Interview Scene)
CAMERON
(to camera)
So Im a bartender, and Im a gay.
INT. DUNPHY HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
The doorbell rings. Claire opens it to reveal Jay.
CLAIRE
What brings you here?
JAY
Well. I came to hang out with Luke.
CLAIRE
Really? Thats great. Hes in his
room.
JAY
Alright.
He begins walking up the steps. He comes back down, and
examines Phil painting shirtless.
JAY
(to Claire)
Uh...
CLAIRE
He sold $4.2 million worth of homes
today.
JAY
Great. That explains nothing.
(to Phil)
Keep up the good work, Phil.
Phil turns around, stares at Jay for a few seconds, and then
goes right back to working on his painting.
JAY
Right. Ill be upstairs, if anybody
needs me.
16.
INT. DUNPHY HOME (LUKES ROOM) - DAY
Jay walks in.
JAY
Time for a rematch.
LUKE
Its on.
JAY
Youre darn tootin its on. Its
on like Donkey Kong.
INT. JAY & GLORIAS HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
(Documentary Scene)
JAY
(to camera)
In the 80s, I used to take Mitchell
and Claire to the arcade. And while
I was there, I played a little
Pac-Man. A lot of Pac-Man. I was
pretty good. 323,915 points. I set
the arcades record back in 82.
But a few weeks ago, I played a few
games of Madden with Luke. He beat
me. And now its on. Its on like
Donkey Kong.
INT. SUPERMARKET - DAY
Gloria in on her cell phone.
INT. DUNPHY HOME (LUKES ROOM) - DAY
Jay is playing a Madden Football video game with Luke. Jays
phone rings. He pauses the game and takes the call.
JAY
Hello.
(Back and forth between the Supermarket and Lukes Room)
GLORIA
Some guy is flirting with me.
17.
JAY
Flirting. Like, is he harassing
you?
GLORIA
No. Hes talking to me, and
smiling--and he complimented me.
JAY
Did you tell him that youre
married?
GLORIA
Yes. He continued to flirt, Jay.
Hes in the frozen foods section
right now, and Im in cereal--but I
think hes gonna talk to me again
later. Soon.
JAY
You have your pepper spray?
GLORIA
Yes.
JAY
Great. Use it.
GLORIA
Im not gonna pepper spray him just
for flirting with me.
JAY
You dont have to spray the whole
bottle in his eyes. Just give him
one spray in the general vicinity,
and hell get the point.
GLORIA
He complimented me.
JAY
I think you mentioned that.
GLORIA
He said that he likes my accent.
JAY
He what?
GLORIA
My accent. He said its like music
to his ears.
18.
JAY
Well. In that case, you should
probably marry him. Ill have my
lawyer prepare our divorce papers
tomorrow.
GLORIA
Jay!
JAY
Gloria. If youre not gonna use the
pepper spray, just leave the
supermarket.
GLORIA
Bu we need groceries.
JAY
We can eat out. I hear Dennys is
delicious.
GLORIA
Jay--you should come down here and
make sure he knows were together.
JAY
Gloria--Id love to come down there
and beat the crap out of him. But
Im in the middle of something very
important.
GLORIA
What are you in the middle of?
JAY
Im, uh--Im spending quality time
with Luke.
GLORIA
Oh. Well. I guess thats a good
excuse.
JAY
Its a great excuse.
GLORIA
OK. I love you.
JAY
I love you, too.
He hangs up.
19.
JAY
OK. Unpause the game. 3rd down.
Five seconds later, Luke scores a touchdown.
LUKE
Boom! Seven to nothing. Next time
you play me, make sure you stretch
your quads before kickoff.
Luke gets on the ground to do a lying quad stretch.
LUKE
Like this.
JAY
Thats it. Im taking you out of my
will.
INT. MITCH & CAMERONS HOME (BATHROOM) - DAY
The plumber is now sitting on the toiler (with his pants
on). Cameron is standing next to him, holding a whiskey
bottle.
CAMERON
More whiskey?
PLUMBER
Fill her up.
Lily walks in.
LILY
Daddy--are you done with your
playdate? Its been like three
hours.
CAMERON
No, honey. Were still drinking
pretend alcohol.
LILY
And playing pretend toilet?
CAMERON
No. Were not playing pretend
toilet. Playing pretend toilet
would be very inappropriate. This
is pretend bartender. You know. Im
working at a bar, and hes sitting
at a bar. Were pretending.
20.
LILY
Oh.
She walks up to the Plumber.
LILY
My turn to sit at the bar.
The Plumber gets up. Lily sits on the toilet.
LILY
(to Cameron)
OK, bartender. Ill have a glass of
orange juice.
The Plumber stares at Cameron, not sure what to make of
everything.
CAMERON
(to Lily)
One glass of orange juice. Coming
up.
PLUMBER
(to Lily)
You want some whiskey in that
orange juice?
CAMERON
No. No she doesnt. We dont serve
pretend whiskey to minors in this
establishment.
INT. DUNPHY HOME (KITCHEN) - DAY
Phil is wearing a winter hat that covers his ears, and hes
holding a box.
PHIL
I got you something.
CLAIRE
OK. Before I open it, let me ask
you a question. Does this box
contain your ear?
PHIL
What? No.
CLAIRE
Then why are you wearing that hat?
21.
PHIL
Honey. Im in a creative field. I
just do stuff like that.
CLAIRE
Great. I have no idea how to
respond to what you just said.
PHIL
Theres no response necessary. Just
open the box.
CLAIRE
Its light.
She opens it.
CLAIRE
Its empty.
PHIL
It contains my soul.
CLAIRE
What?
PHIL
My soul.
CLAIRE
I see.
PHIL
No. You cant see a soul.
CLAIRE
Right. So, uh, what do you want me
to do with this soul?
PHIL
Dont you see?
CLAIRE
No. I dont see. Weve already gone
through the part about how I cant
see.
He kisses her.
PHIL
I want you to give me your soul.
22.
CLAIRE
Uh...
PHIL
Were soul mates.
CLAIRE
Right. So, uh--do you want me to
put my soul in a box?
PHIL
No.
CLAIRE
How about a thermos?
PHIL
Just follow your heart. Your heart
will tell you where to put your
soul.
He kisses her again.
CLAIRE
Remember all the corny jokes you
used to tell? I could go for one of
those right now.
PHIL
You inspire me. The way an apple
inspired Isaac Newton.
CLAIRE
I was thinking of something more
like a pun.
PHIL
When Im without you, I want to
punch myself in the face.
CLAIRE
Punch? Was that the pun?
INT. DUNPHY HOME (LUKES ROOM) - DAY
JAY
(very loudly))
30, 20, 10--Touchdown! Adrian
Peterson!
Claire walks in five seconds later.
23.
CLAIRE
Dad--what the hell is going on
here?
JAY
I, uh--I scored a touchdown.
CLAIRE
Youre sweating. Are you playing
actual football?
JAY
Its, uh--your homes too
insulated. Its hot in here.
CLAIRE
Its not that hot. Phil is
downstairs wearing a winter hat.
Daddy--this is Pac-Man all over
again. The summer of 82. Remember
that? The rivalry you had with
Tommy Jones?
JAY
Yeah. He was the second best in
town. I was the best.
CLAIRE
You were in your thirties. He was
in fifth grade!
JAY
Pac-Man isnt about age. Its about
dots. Everyone knows that.
CLAIRE
Dad. I got Van Gogh hanging out
downstairs. I have an insane
husband. Do you have to be my
insane father right now? Cant you
balance out Phils lunacy with some
non-lunacy.
JAY
Claire. Im just playing video
games with my only grandson. I like
my grandson, and I like video
games. It would be lunacy for me
not to play video games with him.
CLAIRE
Have you been talking to that Zen
Buddhist guy at the gym?
24.
INT. MITCH & CAMERONS HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
The doorbell rings. Cameron opens the door the reveal CLARA.
CLARA
Hi. Can I talk to Jeff?
CAMERON
Jeff?
CLARA
The plumber.
CAMERON
Right. Jeff. Hes, uh. Hes in the
bathroom. Over there.
INT. MITCH & CAMERONS HOME (BATHROOM) - DAY
Clara walks in to the bathroom while Cameron watches.
JEFF / PLUMBER
Clara? How did you know I was here?
CLARA
You called me ten minutes ago and
told me where you were.
JEFF / PLUMBER
Right. By the way--this is Cameron.
Hes gay. And he just got married.
You know. Prop 8.
CAMERON
Hi.
CLARA
Hi. I voted no on Prop 8. But
congratulations on your marriage.
CAMERON
Thank you?
JEFF / PLUMBER
Youre sleeping with my cousin!
CLARA
Are you drunk?
JEFF / PLUMBER
Even when Im sober, youre still
sleeping with my cousin.
25.
CLARA
What makes you think that Im
sleeping with Tony?
JEFF / PLUMBER
Who said anything about Tony? I was
talking about John.
CLARA
What makes you think Im sleeping
with John?
JEFF / PLUMBER
You both like that movie. The one
with that bearded guy. The funny
guy with the beard. You know that
movie.
CLARA
The Hangover?
JEFF / PLUMBER
Yeah. The Hangover. You both like
The Hangover. You were both
laughing at it.
CLARA
That doesnt mean Im sleeping with
John. Honey--I love you. You mean
everything to me.
JEFF / PLUMBER
The Hangover isnt that good.
CLARA
Well. Its pretty good.
JEFF / PLUMBER
Yeah. It its pretty good. But its
not that good. There are some funny
parts, though. So youre not
sleeping with John?
CLARA
No.
JEFF / PLUMBER
Or Tony?
CLARA
Or Tony. I only have eyes for you.
(to Cameron)
Hes the jealous type. This happens
every month or so.
26.
CAMERON
Ah.
JEFF / PLUMBER
I love you, Clara. Come here.
They kiss very romantically, and dont stop.
CAMERON
Um. Ill just leave you alone for a
minute or two.
He closes the door.
CAMERON
Feel free to fix the toilet when
youre done.
INT. MITCH & CAMERONS HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
Mitch walks in.
MITCH
So. What happened with the plumber?
CAMERON
You missed the make up scene.
MITCH
The make up scene?
CAMERON
Yeah. Clara dropped by.
MITCH
Whos Clara?
CAMERON
Jeffs wife.
MITCH
Whos Jeff?
CAMERON
The plumber. It turns out that
Clara wasnt sleeping with John. Or
Tony.
MITCH
Are you talking about Days of Our
Lives?
27.
CAMERON
No. Days of our bathroom. You
missed the make up scene. The love
scene is currently in progress.
MITCH
Great. So is our toilet fixed?
CAMERON
No. And were out of whiskey. We do
have some cognac, though. Why dont
you go pour me a glass?
MITCH
Why dont you pour it yourself?
CAMERON
My shift as bartender ended two
minutes ago. Its your turn.
INT. DUNPHY HOME (LUKES ROOM) - DAY
Jay is on the phone with Gloria.
JAY
Hey, honey. Im done with my
quality time. I won 17-14 in
overtime. I mightve cheated,
though.
INT. DUNPHY HOME (LUKES ROOM) - DAY
(Earlier / Flashback)
Jay knocks the controller out of Lukes hand.
LUKE
Hey!
INT. DUNPHY HOME (LUKES ROOM) - DAY
GLORIA (V.O.)
Oh.
JAY
Is that guy still flirting with
you?
28.
INT. CAR - DAY
GLORIA
No. Im on my way home.
(Back and forth between the Car and Lukes Room)
JAY
You know, Im kind of in the mood
to have it out with him now. Did
you get his license plate number or
anything?
GLORIA
I dont think hes old enough to
drive.
JAY
What?
GLORIA
Hes a little young. 21.
JAY
I see. Well. We can double date.
You go out with him, and Ill take
his younger sister. We can go to
Chuck E. Cheeses.
GLORIA
Jay. Do you want to hear about how
my day was?
JAY
Absolutely.
GLORIA
Do you want to hear it in my
accent?
JAY
I want to hear everything in your
accent. I dont understand it, but
I like the sound of it.
INT. DUNPHY HOME (LIVING ROOM) - EARLY EVENING
Phil is alone. His easel is turned so the canvas is facing a
wall.
29.
PHIL
(announcing to the rest of the
home)
Everyone come here! its time for
the art exhibit!
Claire and Haley come in from the kitchen.
CLAIRE
(to Phil)
The spaghettis ready, by the way.
HALEY
Yeah, dad. Its really good
spaghetti. Have some
Luke, Jay, and Alex come down the stairs.
JAY
This should be interesting.
PHIL
(addressing everyone)
OK. guys. I know Ive been acting a
little weird today.
JAY
No weirder than usual, Phil.
PHIL
I just--I realized that I wanted to
do more than sell homes.
HALEY
And do magic.
PHIL
And do magic. I want to do more
than real estate and magic. I dont
now. I mean, Im not abandoning
real estate. Or magic. But anyways.
Without further ado. Here it is.
He turns around the easel and reveals the painting. (It
still remains concealed to the TV viewer.)
HALEY
Thats... good.
CLAIRE
I like it. I mean, I also like it
when you sell $4.2 million in homes
per day. But its a nice painting.
30.
JAY
I gotta say. Its a great painting.
PHIL
Do you mean, it, Jay?
JAY
Absolutely. I like it. You know
what? Id be honored if youd let
me buy it, and hang it in my home.
Now, I cant give you $4.2 million
for it.
PHIL
How about 4 million?
JAY
Sold. Send me the bill.
CLAIRE
(to Phil)
Wow. Youre really on a roll,
honey. That brings you up to $8.2
million for the day. Go sell
something else.
Jay grabs the painting and walks towards the door.
JAY
Luke. Open the door for me.
Luke opens it.
Jay walks out with the painting.
PHIL
(to Claire)
Has he been talking to that Zen
Buddhist guy?
INT. JAY & GLORIAS HOME (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT
Jay and Gloria are curled up on the couch, and staring at a
painting on the wall. (The painting remains concealed to the
TV viewer.)
GLORIA
Phil painted that?
JAY
Yeah.
31.
GLORIA
It looks good there. I like it.
The camera switches shots, and we finally see the painting:
INT. GYM - DAY
Jay is on a rowing machine, and BOB (40) is on the machine
next to his.
JAY
I tried that Zen meditation thing
you taught me yesterday. How do I
know when Ive experienced
enlightenment?
Bob seems mesmerized by something.
JAY
Bob?
BOB
Sorry, Jay. I was a little
distracted by that girl in tight
pants.
JAY
Thats my wife.
BOB
Thats your wife?
The camera reveals a 25 year old woman on an elliptical
machine.
JAY
Just kidding. Thats my wife.
He points to Gloria, whos also wearing tight pants, and on
another elliptical machine.
.