THE OFFICE

"CHARACTER STUDY"
Written by
Justin McElroy
COLD OPEN
INT. THE OFFICE - DAY
DWIGHT is typing deliberately as he accesses his Twitter
account, @DwightKSchruteAccountForTwitter.
JIM TALKING HEAD
JIM
Say what you will about Ashton and
Shaq, I think youve got to hand it
to Dwight for being the first one
to really embrace the potential of
Twitter.
INT. THE OFFICE/DWIGHTS DESK
DWIGHT finishes sending an update and turns from his work to
address the camera.
DWIGHT
Its a ridiculous, hollow piece of
software, but its the best thing
Ive found for tracking how closely
Im adhering to the Food and Drug
Administration food pyramid.
JIM TALKING HEAD
JIM reads from his phone.
JIM
5:30 a.m. T-bone steak and raisin
wine. 7:00 a.m. Tooth paste. 10:03
a.m. Peanut. 10:05 Peanut. 10:06
Peanut. Here at 11:30 a.m. weve
got something called Trunk
garlic.
EXT. THE OFFICE/PARKING LOT
In the parking lot, DWIGHT, clad in a parka, strides to his
car, and purposefully open the trunk.
DWIGHT (V.O.)
(indignant)
Its one of many strains of garlic
not hearty enough to withstand the
near Arctic chill of the
Pennsylvania February that I, as a
result, am forced grow in the trunk
of my car.
DWIGHT extends a hand to the trunk garlic as if to say Do
you understand now?
DWIGHT (V.O.)(CONT)
Naturally, I occasionally have to
sample a piece to check for
mealiness and acidity. ... I have
to be ringing a bell by now right?
Trunk garlic?
JIM TALKING HEAD
JIM gets a text on his phone.
JIM
(feigning surprise)
Ah -- peanut.
END COLD OPEN
2.
ACT ONE
INT. RECEPTION - DAY
PHIL arrives at reception. Hes average looking, maybe even a
little bookish, no leading man looks. He greets PAM at the
reception desk though clearly hes a little uneasy.
MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
MICHAEL
(visibly excited)
Today were welcoming a very
special guest, the actor playing
the lead in Death of a Salesman
for the Scranton Little Theater. He
wants to study us to see what its
like in our boring world. Why would
he want to do that when hes
already an actor? Why wouldnt we
want to just spend the day learning
from him? I dont know. But Pam
says were supposed to just be
ourselves and --
The speakerphone in MICHAELs office clicks on.
PAM (V.O.)
Michael, hes here.
Before PAM can finish, MICHAEL has sprung out of his chair so
quickly that it jostles the camera man as he barely utters a
thrilled Oh god!
INT. RECEPTION - DAY
PAM
Im so glad you could make it!
PHIL
Thanks, I still think the whole
thing is a little silly, but the
director seemed to think it was imp-
-
MICHAEL strides to PHIL holding what appears to be an Oscar.
MICHAEL
(mock announcer voice)
And the award for best actor goes
to ... Phil ... something!
3.
PHIL takes the trophy with a chuckle, reads the base.
PHIL
...Its Sullivan. Oh, wow, Michael
Scott, Best Actor, Godfather 4.
MICHAEL, embarrassed, begins to unobtrusively take the trophy
back. PHIL, surprised by the heft, examines the trophy base
more closely.
PHIL (CONTD)
Jeez, this is really heavy, is this
real marble?
MICHAEL snatches the award back as he says:
MICHAEL
It was a gift --
MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
MICHAEL (CONTD)
It was a gift to myself on the
anniversary of the day that I ...
bought ... my car.
INT. RECEPTION - DAY
PHIL
(to the office staff)
Thanks everybody for having me,
just please try to pretend Im not
around. It shouldnt be that tough,
my kids do it all the time.
Polite chuckle from the office, but MICHAEL is disgusted and,
unsurprisingly, misreading the room.
MICHAEL
Animals.
PHIL
Excuse me?
MICHAEL
No, its just ... I mean youre
right there for ... scene studies,
or improv classes. Its just the
talent, the wasted talent, it ...
it makes me sick.
PAM TALKING HEAD
4.
PAM
(defending herself)
Im designing the set for the show
and the director said Phil needed
to meet some real salespeople and I
was just really grateful to be
involved and before Id even
thought about it ... What Im
trying to say is this ones my bad,
OK?
(agitated)
This ones all Pamela. But
honestly, I think Im due one,
right? Doesnt everybody get one?
PHIL TALKING HEAD
PHIL
The only other salesperson I know
is my second cousin Daryl and he
has to sell magazine subscriptions
as part of his work release. So
given the options Im pretty sure I
made the right call. ... Pretty
sure.
INT. RECEPTION - DAY
MICHAEL
Why dont I introduce you to
everybody?
PHIL
Oh thats not really necessar--
MICHAEL
Let the tour begin!
INT. THE OFFICE/ACCOUNTING
MICHAEL
This is accounting, the numbers
people. They -- wait, you probably
dont care about them though do
you?
PHIL
Well, I mean, sure I --
5.
MICHAEL
(laughing)
Its too bad youre not playing
Forrest Gump, Kevin would be
perfect.
KEVIN TALKING HEAD
KEVIN
I know he was being mean, but hes
totally right.
(excitedly counting off on
his fingers)
I love ping pong, I love shrimp, I
love chocolate in boxes, I love
sitting on benches, and I love
shrimp. ... Did I say shrimp twice?
Well, I really love shrimp.
INT. ACCOUNTING - DAY
MICHAEL
And here we have accountings
leading lady -- technically the
only lady -- Angela.
ANGELA barely makes eye contact.
ANGELA (V.O.)
I dont really care for most actors
today --
As they leave, Angela takes a moment to bask in her Kirk
Cameron As The Apostles calendar (February is apparently
Thaddeus) which features the actor wearing a fake beard and
sporting a vaguely beefcake pose.
ANGELA (CONTD)
Unless of course theyre Kirk
Cameron.
ANGELA TALKING HEAD
ANGELA (CONTD)
I wish I could say the same for his
sister Candace though. Honestly,
that DJ Tanner, living in a house
with three full grown men? In San
Francisco? Its shameful.
6.
INT. ACCOUNTING - DAY
MICHAEL
Oscar I want you to meet--
Actually, do you two already know
each other?
OSCAR
Why would you assume that? Because
hes in theater? You know, thats
beyond --
PHIL, distracted with Kevin until now, turns to OSCAR and,
recognizing him, goes in for a handshake.
PHIL
Oscar! How are you?
OSCAR TALKING HEAD
OSCAR
Yes, I know Phil. But its only
because we go to the same gym and
weve seen each other in the sauna
a few times. ... That ... that
still sounded pretty gay, didnt
it?
INT. THE OFFICE/BREAK ROOM - DAY
ANDY fills his coffee mug as JIM enters with a stack of
papers.
JIM
Hey, this fax came in for you from
Barlingtons.
ANDY
(singing, tune of Two
Tickets to Paradise)
Thank you so much Tuna!
JIM briefly considers asking about the singing and decides
against it.
JIM
Any ... uhh ... yeah, any time.
JIM almost makes it to the door before he, seemingly against
his will, turns.
7.
JIM (CONTD)
Im actually regretting asking this
as Im saying it, but was that
Eddie Money?
ANDY
Sorry to rock you with so little
warning, Tuna. Im trying to catch
Phils ear, hoping hell get a
whiff of the Pipes de Nard-Dog and
tell the theater big wigs that they
want a sample ... want a ... dollop
in their next musical.
JIM
... Yeah, I mean, what other choice
do you have?
ANDY
Exactly!
JIM
I mean, except for auditioning.
ANDY
Sorry?
JIM
Auditioning, you could just
audition for the shows.
ANDY
(all seriousness)
Tuna ... do you think Eddie Money
has to audition?
JIM, unable to process what Andy has said, let alone come up
with a retort, stares at the camera blankly.
INT. DWIGHTS DESK - DAY
PHIL awkwardly approaches DWIGHTs desk as he pounds away at
his keyboard.
PHIL
Hi, sorry, Dwight is it? Michael
said that you were one of his top
salespeople and that I might be
able to shadow you for a bit.
8.
DWIGHT
Oh of course, no problem! Id be
happy to provide you a window into
my soul and help you understand the
inner-workings of my psyche!
PHIL
(with an awkward chuckle)
Yeah, I guess, in a way. I could
just sit over there in the corner,
you wouldnt even know I was --
DWIGHT
No dice.
PHIL
Sorry?
DWIGHT
For one, Ive trained for years to
make my psyche completely
inscrutable and therefore
impervious to torture. Second,
Schrutes have a long-standing and
deeply held distrust of actors,
ventriloquists, mountebanks,
charlatans, snake oil salesmen and
generally anyone pretending to be
something theyre not.
[Pause]
PHIL
(fumbling)
Wow, uhh, snake oil salesmen, dont
see many of them around any more.
DWIGHT gives a look as if to say Huh, weird, wonder how that
happened.
INT. THE OFFICE - DAY
PHIL, clearly a little broken but still trying to get
something out of the day, is seated, watching Creed look
through the several pagers in his desk trying to find the one
that is buzzing.
MEREDITH comes up behind PHIL, startling him.
MEREDITH
Hey actor, you know Burt Reynolds,
yeah?
9.
PHIL
Well sure, everybody knows Bur--
MEREDITH
No, dummy, you KNOW him. You have
his phone number and everything.
PHIL
...No, Ive never met him.
MEREDITH
Well, if you ever see him, I want
you to punch him in the gut for me.
And tell him he owes me 13 years of
child support.
PHIL
Wow, thats ... uhh ... thats
tough.
MEREDITH TALKING HEAD
MEREDITH
Im sure it was Burt Reynolds. ...
It was either Burt Reynolds or the
guy from that Tony Orlando and Dawn
cover band we all saw the night I
got knocked up who kinda looked
like Burt Reynolds. I dont know, I
was pretty messed up. ... He
definitely had a mustache.
PHIL TALKING HEAD
PHIL is clearly just beginning a conversation on his cell
phone.
PHIL
Hey Darryl, its Phil! No, your
cousin Phil! ... Wow, that dog
sounds really angry! Is it a big
one? ... Oh, its two dogs!
PHIL stands, leaving the shot.
PHIL (CONTD)
So listen, how far along in the
route are you?
END ACT ONE
10.
ACT TWO
INT. MICHAELS OFFICE - DAY
PAM enters MICHAELs office, clearly unhappy with what shes
been asked to do.
PAM
You wanted me to let you know when
Phil was out of the bathroom.
MICHAEL stares at PAM blankly.
MICHAEL
...And?
[Beat]
PAM
Hes out!
MICHAEL hops up excitedly and heads towards the door. Stops
to stand in front of PAM.
MICHAEL
How do I look?
PAM
Michael, hes been in the bathroom
for three minu--
MICHAEL
Youre not helping!
PAM
Fine, you look fine.
MICHAEL
Now do that thing moms do where you
lick your fingertips and smooth out
my eyebrows.
PAM
Absolutely not.
As she looks at MICHAEL, it dawns on her.
PAM (CONTD)
...Are you wearing makeup?
MICHAEL
What?! No! Its ... its bronzer.
11.
PAMs not buying it.
MICHAEL (CONTD)
Its prescribed, medical bronzer.
For a condition.
We watch as Michael rushes out to greet PHIL, whos still
zipping up his pants.
PAM (V.O.)
Im not sure Ive ever seen Michael
this excited about something as he
is about Phil.
PAM TALKING HEAD
When he met Gallaghers brother at
Bed, Bath and Beyond. Maybe a
little more excited for that.
PAM reaches out of frame to grab something off of MICHAELs
desk, its a picture of him with Gallaghers brother, which
she presents to the camera.
The best part is, hes been playing
the Only Questions game
constantly to sharpen up his improv
skills.
INT. OFFICE/STANLEYS DESK - A FEW DAYS AGO
MICHAEL sneaks up behind STANLEY as he works. From the start,
MICHAEL is having trouble coming up with things to say.
MICHAEL
So Stanley ... how is ... the
working today?
STANLEY
What do you need, Michael?
MICHAEL
Did you need to know ... what ... I
needed?
STANLEY slowly turns his attention away from his work to look
at MICHAEL.
STANLEY
What did you need, Michael?
MICHAEL, intimidated, cant come up with anything.
12.
MICHAEL
I ... uh ... god youre good!
PAM TALKING HEAD
PAM
Im the office champ at Only
Questions because pretending your
baby is kicking until Michael gets
distracted wins every time.
(perhaps just realizing
for the first time)
Oh god ... hes already gotten to
my baby.
INT. THE OFFICE/BREAK ROOM
PHIL gets a snack from the vending machines as KELLY and
OSCAR watch out of earshot.
KELLY
I think hes kind of cute! Hes
like a moody Topher Grace. You
should totally ask him out!
OSCAR
No, I dont even know if hes gay
or --
KELLY leans in closer to OSCAR.
KELLY
Oh cmon, I thought you ... dont
you just ... know?
(conspiratorial)
Dont you ... sense it?
OSCAR
Im not having this conversation.
PHIL takes a seat near them. KELLY is quieter now, but
definitely still within PHILs earshot.
KELLY
Fine, but if youre not careful,
youre going to miss out on the
Asher to your Eric.
PHIL
Oh, I love Gossip Girl!
13.
PHIL begins eating his snack, KELLY nods to herself as she
gives a sarcastically contemplative Hmmmmm, how
interesting, as she celebrates her rare intellectual
victory.
INT. THE OFFICE/DWIGHTS DESK
Concentrating as though hes performing surgery, DWIGHT drops
a small, bent nail into the clay jar on his desk. ANDY walks
behind him, appears to catch wind of a terrible odor and
throws his hand to cover his nose and mouth.
ANDY
Oh sweet lord, what is that?
DWIGHT
After the actor started sniffing
around, I had Mose bring me the
components for an ancient ward
against charlatans and
shapeshifters.
DWIGHT stares knowingly at ANDY, perhaps expecting him to
know exactly whats in the jar. He, of course, does not.
ANDY
... So, its --
DWIGHT
Its just a clay pot filled with
three bent nails, a pinch of my
hair and a good quart of weekend-
aged cow urine.
ANDY is in stunned silence. Just as hes about to respond
PHIL approaches the two. Before his brain can register the
appropriateness of it, ANDY sings the next thing that he was
going to say.
ANDY
(to Two Tickets to
Paradise)
So thats a big bottle of cow pee-
pee?
PHIL pauses a half beat then makes an about face and strides
away. Another beat. DWIGHT has a self-satisfied smile and
ANDY can not believe that against all odds and reason,
DWIGHTs device works.
ANDY (CONTD)
Thats incredible!
14.
DWIGHT TALKING HEAD
DWIGHT
No, of course I dont believe in
magical wards. But I do believe in
a little thing called tradition.
INT. THE OFFICE - DAY
MICHAEL is obviously on the hunt for something and asking
anyone he can find about it.
MICHAEL
Phyllis, please tell me you have
some mascara.
PHYLLIS
Michael, why do you need --
MICHAEL
Its, its for a secret project,
manager business. Do you have any
or not?
PHYLLIS
No, Im sorry, I --
Though he seemingly expresses his frustration to himself,
its loud enough for PHYLLIS to hear.
MICHAEL
Of course, of course who would you
be trying to impress?
PHYLLIS is shocked as MICHAEL moves on. Upon seeing OSCAR, he
gives his forehead a Silly me slap.
MICHAEL (CONTD)
Oscar, Oscar my stylish friend, of
course youll have some secret
manager business mascara?
OSCAR
(dumbfounded)
Really? Youre really asking me
this?
OSCAR TALKING HEAD
Seemingly almost against his will, OSCAR holds up a tube of
mascara.
15.
OSCAR (CONTD)
Yes, OK, but its not what it looks
like. Sometimes I get grays in my
eyebr--
(realizing hes fighting a
losing battle)
You know what? Fine. Yes, Michael
has his finger on the pulse of the
gay community. Hes right about us
knowing all the actors and hes
right about us always carrying
around mascara. Hes like the
offices Perez Hilton, only with a
worse haircut. As if thats even
poss--
PHIL knocks on the door frame of the interview room.
PHIL
Hey, oh darn, Im sorry to
interrupt, but Oscar, I was curious
if you were going to come to the
show next weekend?
OSCAR
I dont know, I --
PHIL
Because I asked Michael, and he
said you --
PHIL looks upwards as if hes trying to remember MICHAELs
words verbatim.
PHIL (CONTD)
Wouldnt ever ever miss an evening
at the theater, if you catch my
drift, wink wink --
PHIL, with a smile, turns back to OSCAR, who has clearly been
caught off guard both by MICHAELs insensitivity and by the
fact that PHIL appears to be flirting with him.
OSCAR
.... God, you know, he knows me so
well.
PHIL
Great, Ill see you then. Maybe we
can get some coffee afterwards or
something?
PHIL leaves, OSCAR stares at the camera as if he doesnt
quite have the words for the situation.
16.
INT. THE OFFICE/JIMS DESK - DAY
PHIL tosses himself into a chair near JIMs desk as JIM looks
up from his typing.
JIM
Hows the people watching going?
PHIL
Oh great, everybodys been really,
really helpful. Stanley pretended
to be asleep and Creed took me to
the stockroom of a Mexican grocery
store--
(with air quotes)
-- where the deals get done. but
Im pretty sure it was a cock
fighting ring.
CREED TALKING HEAD
CREED
Hes right. Its a cock fighting
ring. But its cleanest one in the
neighborhood.
INT. THE OFFICE/JIMS DESK - MOMENTS LATER
Sympathetic, JIM plays along with PHIL, trying to lift his
spirits.
JIM
Sorry man, but you wanted the truth
about sales. You wanted the real
dirt. Youve gone deep, Phil,
youve gone real deep. But you
cant blame me if you dont like
the view.
PHIL
Youre right, youre right, I
brought this on myself. So listen,
I hate to ask, but would it be OK
if I just sort of followed you
around? Im running out of time,
and I dont feel like Im any
better off than I was this morning.
JIM appears hesitant as he considers what PHIL is asking.
17.
JIM
Yeah ... no, Ive just, Ive got a
thing, and then there are some
other --
PHIL
Oh yeah, I get it, no problem.
Realizing that he should let JIM get back to work, PHIL
starts to stand.
JIM (V.O.)
Im just now getting to the point
where my job doesnt really, really
depress me.
JIM TALKING HEAD
JIM
So I feel like, I dont know,
associating it with the sort of job
that pushed a guy to suicide isnt
really productive.
INT. THE OFFICE/JIMS DESK - DAY
Just as PHIL is almost out of earshot, JIM calls him back.
JIM
Hey Phil, what about Michael? I
figured hed have sown himself to
you by now or something.
PHIL
Oh hes been very ... enthusiastic.
We went through the whole first act
with him playing my part and then
he had me talk to his boss and
pretend to be him. Hes really
getting in to the character. The
weird thing is, Im pretty sure he
has no idea how the play ends.
JIM has a moment of genuine consideration for MICHAELs
feelings.
JIM
... Hey, what do you say we keep it
that way?
PHIL
Yeah, sure, no problem.
18.
From in front of the conference room door, MICHAEL calls out
as the camera moves to him. His hair is very clearly slicked
back and, for some reason, hes covering the bottom half of
his face with a file folder.
MICHAEL
Attention everybody, I need your
attention up here, please. I know
that we havent been the best hosts
for our guest. He wanted to learn
our ways, but instead he gets Andy
singing and Dwights jar of deer
pee pee.
DWIGHT
Its actually cow ur--
MICHAEL
Whatever, the point is that he
needs a chance to see us as we
really are. (pause) And he can do
that with all of you at once as we
go
(triumphantly)
inside ...
With a dramatic flourish, Michael moves from in front of the
door a points to the center where there is nothing. Clearly
Michael was expecting something else to be there.
MICHAEL (CONTD)
Dwight, wheres the thing?
DWIGHT begins desperately searching his desk for a piece of
paper.
DWIGHT
I thought you were joking ...
MICHAEL
Im never joking!
A moment as Dwight scribbles something on a scrap of paper
then in a flash leaps to the door and plants a sign on it
like hed been training to do that exact action for years.
MICHAEL performs the same dramatic action again, but,
astoundingly, hes even more dramatic.
MICHAEL (CONTD)
Inside ... the actors studio!
19.
The sign on the door in fact, reads Actors Studio. As
MICHAEL unveils the sign, he also throws down the file folder
to reveal that the folder was hiding a James Lipton-esque
goatee drawn from mascara.
[Beat.]
PAM TALKING HEAD
PAM
Now that is definitely make-up.
END ACT TWO
20.
ACT THREE
INT. THE OFFICE/CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
The staff files in to the conference room.
DWIGHT (V.O.)
Am I uncomfortable with having to
learn what makes the charlatan
tick?
DWIGHT TALKING HEAD
DWIGHT
Yes, of course. Besides it being a
total waste of time, its also
creepy. But am I intimidated?
Never.
DWIGHT pats the pee jar which is now hanging around his neck
by a crudely duct taped-on rope.
INT. THE OFFICE/CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
The staff is almost completely seated, but theyre crammed
uncomfortably into the seats lining the walls. DWIGHT is
seated in the middle of the room and no one has chosen any of
the seats surrounding him because of, well, you know. The
smell.
MICHAEL and PHIL are seated at the front of the room.
PHIL
This really isnt necessary
Michael, I havent learned anything
yet today and this isnt going to
help. Besides, Ive got to head to
rehearsal really soon --
MICHAEL
Yeah, I get it.
PHIL mistakes MICHAEL saying he gets it for actually getting
it and he begins to stand.
PHIL
Oh thanks so much, I --
MICHAEL
Youre worried Im going to ask a
lot of questions about your
personal life, right?
21.
(MORE)
Well, this is the actors studio.
Were all about craft here.
MICHAEL and his mascara beard lean in closely .
MICHAEL (CONTD)
By the way, this is all great
stuff, you should really save it
for the interview.
MICHAEL begins speaking to the staff in his James Lipton
voice, its beyond bizarre.
MICHAEL (CONTD)
Ladies and gentlemen, our guest
tonight ... Mr. Phil Sullivan.
MICHAELs obviously begging for it, but no one claps, save
for OSCAR.
PAM TALKING HEAD
PAM
Michaels James Lipton voice.
She has to take just a moment to word it exactly right.
Its a combination of Austin
Powers, Dame Judi Dench and loud.
Basically ... he nailed it.
INT. THE OFFICE/CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
MICHAEL holds some blue index cards aloft.
MICHAEL
I will now read from the famous
questions ... by the interviewer
who we all know ... about.
MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
(Yes, hes still wearing the beard.)
MICHAEL (CONTD)
I actually could not remember the
name of guy who came up with the
questions James Lipton always
reads.
22.
MICHAEL (CONT'D)
INT. THE OFFICE/MICHAELS OFFICE - DAY
A shot from earlier in the day. We see MICHAEL flipping
through magazines as he paints on his beard.
MICHAEL
So I put the ones I sort of
remembered on note cards and just
cut the rest out of a quiz I found
in a Cosmo from the break room.
We watch MICHAEL, still beard painting, cut something from a
magazine and affix it to a card.
INT. THE OFFICE/CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
MICHAEL
Question 1: Whats the coolest
place to take a crush on your first
date?
MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
MICHAEL (CONTD)
Teen Cosmo.
INT. THE OFFICE/CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
MICHAEL
When summers over, are you bummed
classes are starting up again or
excited to hit the halls?
PHIL
(bewildered)
Why would I be going back to
classes?
MICHAEL has begun to realize that his Cosmo strategy was
poorly thought out, at best.
MICHAEL
Nevermind, uhh...
MICHAEL flips through the index cards, trying to find a
suitable one.
MICHAEL (CONTD)
Oh, here we go. What actress would
you most like to work with?
23.
PHIL
OK, thats a good one. Uhh, I guess
maybe Meryl Streep, I love her, or
...
MICHAEL is clearly displeased, as he illustrates with a
little blech and a face as if hes just eaten something
bitter.
PHIL (CONTD)
What?
MICHAEL
Shes just a little old, right? Why
wouldnt you want someone a little
more ... you know. You know! Youve
heard the backstage stories.
MICHAEL remembers his early assumption that PHIL is gay.
MICHAEL (CONTD)
I guess I understand it for you,
but if Im going to get some behind-
the-scenes nasty its going to be
with Kristen Bell or that girl from
the Orbitz commercial,
knowhatimsayin!?
MICHAEL goes for a high five that is not returned. JIM leans
over to talk quietly to PAM.
JIM
Did you know Inside the Actors
Studio was actually originally
titled Behind the Scenes Nasty?
PAM
I did not know that!
JIM
Its true.
PHIL has clearly had enough, which he illustrates by
beginning to stand.
PHIL
Listen, Ive really got to get
going, I --
MICHAEL
OK, just a few more questions.
Really quick.
MICHAEL finds a new note card. Reluctantly, PHIL sits.
24.
MICHAEL (CONTD)
Right, so, Phil. If you could have
any job other than your own, what
would it be?
PHIL
Gosh, Id never really thought
about it. Im really enjoying
acting though.
MICHAEL
(hoping he misheard)
Excuse me?
PHIL
Yeah, its actually been a lot of
fun. Honestly though, Im not sure
Id ever want to stop being an EMT.
MICHAEL
You mean youre not an actor?
PHIL
(with a small laugh)
Oh wow, no. I drive an ambulance.
Im excited to try acting though.
MICHAEL
(totally aghast now)
To TRY it?
PHIL
Yeah, I was pretty surprised to get
the lead my first time out. Maybe
Ive got a knack for it, I dont
know. You have any more questions?
MICHAEL
No, I --
MICHAEL is defeated and totally reluctant, but his duty to
the bit propels him to read one last card.
MICHAEL (CONTD)
Whats your favorite curse word?
Unprompted, MEREDITH volunteers her favorite from her seat on
the wall. Its bleeped out (quite a long bleep, actually) but
whatever she said is vulgar enough to stun everyone into
total silence.
MICHAEL TALKING HEAD WITH JIM
25.
MICHAELs beard has been hastily wiped off, but its still
fairly evident.
MICHAEL (CONTD)
Its the oldest story in
Tinseltown. You bring someone into
your life -- they promise theyre
going to help you take your craft
to the next level --
JIM
I dont think he ever--
INT. THE OFFICE/BATHROOM - DAY
PHIL checks his outfit in the mirror.
MICHAEL (V.O.)
And you dont see them for what
they are --
EXT. THE OFFICE/PARKING LOT
PHIL climbs into his ambulance and drives away.
MICHAEL TALKING HEAD WITH JIM
JIM
Someone who drives sick people to
the hospital.
MICHAEL
A monster. Now Im faced with the
decision of whether or not I should
see this traitor, this phoney in
the play, or miss the performance
that I inspired.
JIM
And Pams sets, those too.
MICHAEL
Yes Jim, that ... that goes without
saying. The point is that no matter
which choice I make, my heart
breaks. Its like that movie ...
oh, what was it?
JIM
You cant mean Sophies Choice, can
you?
26.
MICHAEL
No, no ... the one with Kristen
Bell.
(it comes to him)
When in Rome!
JIM
Ahh.
INT. THE THEATER - NIGHT
Though their conversation is inaudible, DWIGHT is animatedly
arguing with an usher who is obviously concerned about the
jar hanging from Dwights neck. Eventually, DWIGHT and the
usher reach some sort of agreement and DWIGHT walks back into
the lobby. Cut to the balcony, where DWIGHT, pleased with
himself, is seated alone in the front row.
The show begins, we see OSCAR, PAM, JIM and MICHAEL are
seated near the front. MICHAEL does not look pleased to be
there. OSCAR leans across to PAM.
OSCAR
(whispering)
The sets look fantastic!
PAM
(also whispering)
Thanks! I cant believe they look
exactly like I drew them.
Overhearing her excitement, JIM wraps an arm around PAM. Its
at that moment that they hear PHIL as Willy Loman make his
entrance. The same look of complete shock crosses both JIM
and PAMs faces. Cut to the stage where PHIL IS Michael. From
the hair to the mannerisms to the prosthetics, the
resemblance is beyond uncanny.
Back in the audience, PAM and JIM still look as if they cant
believe what theyre seeing. OSCAR, understandably, looks
repulsed. MICHAEL is taking interest for the first time.
INT. THE THEATER - LATER
The first act ends, house lights come up and MICHAEL leaps to
his feet with applause and wolf whistles.
INT. THE LOBBY - INTERMISSION
MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
27.
MICHAEL
(visibly excited)
I just ... that was just ... wow.
You know, when he told me he was an
amateur, I thought that there was
nothing Phil could teach me, but I
was wrong. Because tonight I
learned that my life is already
exactly like one of the theatrical
triumphs of, well, forever. I am
living the triumph!
INT. THE THEATER/LOBBY
We watch as MICHAEL gets his coat from the coat check.
MICHAEL (V.O.)
I couldnt wait to see the rest,
but Pam and Jim tell me its very
fashionable to leave a show after
the first act to go get pizza. So
thats what were doing.
MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
MICHAEL
I did go ahead and make Jim tell me
how it ends though and ...
(close to tears)
I just hope that, when my time
comes, I go like Willy Loman does:
Rescuing my wife, children and pets
from a burning building.
We zoom out to show JIM standing just to the side behind
MICHAEL. JIM holds his finger to his lips making the
universal sign for Shh, dont tell him anything.
INT. THE THEATER/LOBBY - LATER
The show has ended. The lobby is still full of audience
members filing to their cars. OSCAR has gotten his coat and
is pretty clearly preparing to leave. Before he can make it
to the door however, he is excitedly stopped by PHIL, whos
still in his Michael outfit.
PHIL
So, you ready to go get that
coffee?
28.
OSCAR stares at PHIL/MICHAEL for a few moments before
deciding that he just cant do it, the image of PHIL as
Michael has just been burned into his head too deeply.
OSCAR
Im ... Im sorry. This is really
hard --
PHIL
(channeling Michael)
Heh, thats what she said.
OSCAR, deciding he cant even be there long enough to explain
himself, hurriedly strides to the door, leaving PHIL standing
behind looking puzzled.
EXT. JUST OUTSIDE THE THEATER DOORS - NIGHT
Its snowing, clearly bitterly cold as OSCAR talks with the
camera.
OSCAR TALKING HEAD
OSCAR
I mean, dont get me wrong, the gay
community in Scranton is small. ...
Its just not that small.
OSCAR glances through the glass doors of the theater to see
that PHIL has resumed talking to his fans.
OSCAR (CONTD)
(defensive)
Besides, you know, Michael says
that according to Teen Cosmo hes a
total flirt-a-holic. So, I mean ...
thats just science.
Long pause as OSCAR considers his situation.
END ACT THREE
29.
TAG
EXT. JUST OUTSIDE THE THEATER DOORS - NIGHT
DWIGHT, having just left the theater, stands outside updating
his Twitter feed on his phone [1/2 c. Popcorn. No Butter.]
though the action is a bit cumbersome thanks to his pee jar
necklace. As he leaves the theater, PHIL spots DWIGHT.
PHIL
Dwight, hey, seriously, thanks so
much for coming.
PHIL continues to stand near DWIGHT with his hand on his
shoulder. DWIGHT slowly raises the pot up higher, confused
why it has no effect.
PHIL (CONTD)
... Huh. Well, goodnight.
DWIGHT mumbles some sort of unintelligible good-bye.
Confused, PHIL walks away. A long moment as PHIL leaves ear
shot. DWIGHT, frustrated at his wards ineffectiveness,
angrily tosses it on the ground without thinking.
DWIGHT
Useless!
The jar shatters on the cement out of frame. Theres half a
beat as the odor wafts up to him before DWIGHT covers his
nose and runs away before he is sick.
END OF EPISODE
30.