Cat Scans

Episode 1.1
"Cat Fight"
3RD DRAFT
an originial screenplay by
Molly Morgan & Maggie Carpenter

3RD DRAFT

FADE IN:
INT. CAT FIGHT GAME SHOW SET - DAY
The set features a long counter behind which three contestants
stand. There are "buzzers" in front of each contestant, and
a festive purple and gold sign behind them which reads "CAT
FIGHT." The host stands to the side of the counter.
NIALL MONTOYA is a business major and our game show host,
over the top professional, not enough charisma to be the
next Ryan Seacrest, more like his sleazy cousin. He smiles
widely while cheesy intro music plays. Our contestants are...
ALYSSA DAVIDSON, sorority flake dressed in school colors
like a WCU Lily Pulitzer dressed her, ALEX NEFFE, an English
major with the confidence of Ryan Gosling and the charm of
Dwight Shrute, and MACKENZIE SHARPTON, a musical theater
major who lives life like she is a Disney princess.
SFX: CHEESY INTRO MUSIC, which ends with...
SFX: CATAMOUNT ROAR
Niall swipes his hand through the air like it is a cat paw
on the roar.

NIALL
Welcome to Cat Fight,
(laughs a la Hunger
Games)
the Western Carolina trivia game
show that pits catamount against
catamount! I'm your host, Niall
Montoya!
He smiles, looking right into the camera, desperate for
applause.
SFX: APPLAUSE
NIALL (CONT'D)
Let's meet our fierce felines!
They've been preparing for weeks to
claw each other's eyes out! First
we have the lovely Alyssa Davidson,
a Beta Beta Beta Babe!
Alyssa is blindly thrilled.
Hey, Niall.
since

ALYSSA
I'm so happy to be here
(MORE)

2.
ALYSSA (CONT'D)
(does sorority hand
signal)
Beta Beta Beta's
car wash was cancelled.
(serious)
It was to benefit Beta Beta Beta's
philanthropy to let no child go
without monogrammed school supplies.
NIALL
Sounds like an initial cause!
He looks into the camera, uncomfortably self-amused.
raises a thumb into the frame.
It is.

He

ALYSSA
It's very initial.

NIALL
Next we have Alex Neffe!
(pronounces Neffe
like Neef)
The head chairman of WheeCon! You
may have seen him rolling around
campus on his Heeleys.
Alex sways (his compulsive habit). He winks at the camera.
ALEX
Actually, Niall, it's Neffe.
(pronounces like Neff)
WheeCon is just around the corner.
For those of you who don't know what
WheeCon is, it is the largest comic
book convention in the the northwest
corner of North Carolina. We welcome
all cosplayers, from Naruto to
Christopher Nolan's Batman. From
Toby Maguire Spiderman to Andrew
Garfield Spiderman. We just ask
that you sign up for a role, so we
don't have duplicates. Last year,
we had two Supermen
(growing agitated at
the memory)
and it's just not fair when one is
movie quality and has invested his
entire refund check into the "S"
plate alone and doesn't get to walk
around with Wonderwoman because she's
on the arm of a Clark Kent
doppleganger and his ridiculous chin.

3.
NIALL
Sounds like your superpower is super
invisibility, Alex!
Niall is annoyed with Alex's lengthy introduction.
into the camera, much too amused with himself.

He looks

ALEX
Actually, Niall, my gift is
persuasion. I have a very dominant
personality. And before you ask, my
Kryptonite is the female species.
Niall is done.

He looks at the camera through bored eyes.

NIALL
(sings)
Shocking... Speaking of musical
talent, our last guest is Musical
Theater major Mackenzie Sharpton!
Mackenzie looks at Niall, expecting more of an introduction.
MACKENZIE
Is that all that you know about me?
You don't know that I'm a catamount
singer, or even that I was Chimney
Sweep 4 in Mary Poppins at Lights!
No camera! Just Stage! Action!
Community Theater last spring?
NIALL
(sarcastic)
What a resume! We did have a
contestant survey where you could
have listed all of that, but my
producer informed me that you threw
the survey in the trash told him to
"IMDB" you.
(flatly)
Turns out, they don't list community
theater actors on the Internet Movie
Database.
MACKENZIE
Well... He should have known who I
was anyway. This school would be
nothing without stage and screen.
Everyone knows that.
ALYSSA
(offended)
Swe-erve! Greek life crushes stage
and screen.

4.
MACKENZIE
(sarcastic)
Oh yeah, because all of your "mixers"
and "car washes" bring in hundreds
of dollars to Western every year
like our main stage musicals do.
NIALL
As much as I love a good cat fightHe looks at the camera, much too excitedly surprised at his
unintentional pun.
NIALL (CONT'D)
Let's put away the claws, and get on
to the cause!.. Of the show!
Looks into the camera again, he's slowly starting to lose
his soul.
NIALL (CONT'D)
Let's start the trivia cat fight!
SFX: CATAMOUNT ROAR

NIALL (CONT'D)
Here's the rules, kitty cats. I ask
a question, first to hit the buzzer
with the correct answer gets a point.
Get it wrong, suffer the consequences!
(laughs a la hunger
games)
Okay, first question.
The lights dim.
atmosphere.

A classic gameshow riff intensifies the

NIALL (CONT'D)
What is Western Carolina University's
mascot?
Alex hits the buzzer first, barely ahead of Alyssa.
NIALL (CONT'D)
Ouch, Alyssa. And I thought you
sorority girls were fast, but Alex
buzzed first. What's your answer?
ALEX
Catamounts, ridikalus!

5.
NIALL
Correct! Point for Alex.
really like catamounts.

You must

ALEX
Well, cats, yes. My pediatric
psychologist referred to it as a
fetish, I call it a simple interest.
In fact, we're in need of a Catwoman
for Wheecon, and,
(starts to ask)
say Mackenzie, you're an actressMACKENZIE
(immediately)
No.
NIALL
Alex, your freak is showing. Zip it
up and put that thing away. We need
to move on to the next question.
Alex fidgets and fixes his pants.
NIALL (CONT'D)
When was our beloved Western Carolina
University founded?
There is a pause.

Mackenzie buzzes in.

NIALL (CONT'D)

Mackenzie!
MACKENZIE
(sings)
1776! My favorite musical named
after a year! My dad starred as
John Adams at the Sequined Players
Community Theater and I played
Colonial Girl Stabbed by Redcoat
Bayonet. The director took a Sweeney
Todd approach to the story.
NIALL
Ah, so close Mackenzie.
only off by 113 years.

You were

Alyssa buzzes in.

ALYSSA
1876!
Niall looks at the camera and giggles uncomfortably.

6.
NIALL
And I thought Alex was the mathlete!
(laughs)
You were so close, but that is also
incorrct. Both of your tuition have
been doubled!
Both girls start to object, but are cut off by Niall.
NIALL (CONT'D)
I love this game, don't you?
MACKENZIE
Is this like Hunger Games or
something?!
NIALL
They don't pay me enough for that!
We're running out of time! Let's go
to the final round, for double points
so it's anyone's game!
(laughs a la Hunger
Games)
NIALL (CONT'D)
The university's first president,
Robert Lee Madison, ate the same
thing for breakfast throughout his
entire career at Western. What was
it?
Alyssa looks at the other contestants who are clearly at a
loss. She hits the buzzer.
ALYSSA
I know. As a part of my hazing- I
mean- induction into Beta Beta Beta,
I had to memorize the entire Greek
alphabet, what colors are game day
appropriate, and the meal habits of
every Western president. I know
that Robert Lee Madison ate two peices
of toast cut into the shape of the
blue ridge mountains, one egg over
easy to symbolize the rising sun
over the Cullowhee valley, and one
glass of moonshine, because the water
here was contaminated with typhoid.
Niall is dumbfounded.
NIALL
Well... We.. Have a winner! Alyssa,
you have won unlimited caf swipes
for life!

7.
ALYSSA
What?! None of that shit is organic!
And I'm gluten free, they don't serve
my herbal detox shakes...
Niall cuts her off.
NIALL
That's all the time we have, tune in
next week to see another catamount
declawed!
Alyssa is still going on about her diet. Mackenzie bows and
waves at the camera in a clearly choreographed routine.
Alex stands next to her talking about Catwoman. Niall still
stares into the camera, laughing.
FADE OUT: