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Christina Caro
English 112
Professor Intawiwat
September 10, 2015
This I believe
Over time I have come to the realization that the concept of normality is entirely
subjective. Many of what was once considered culturally normative would now be
considered entirely unacceptable. For this reason I have decided that I will not be bound
by societys standard of normal. I believe that no one should ever let anyones
perception of them change the way they feel about their self or the way they live. Of
course I had not always followed this path of self-declared autonomy as I struggled
through many years of severe bullying and depression throughout middle school and
high school. It was not until my identity was truly, utterly, shattered until I actually found
who I was.
Snickering and whispers would continuously echo in my ears. They were never
quite loud enough to clearly make out but loud enough to know they were directed
towards me. Students would pull out their phones and record me in order to post them
later on twitter and Instagram with captions describing what a freak they thought I was.
At lunchtime I would walk through the cafeteria with a hundred eyes following my every
step, but nowhere was I allowed to sit.
I remember one day looking for a friend I had met at church the previous Sunday.
I was so relieved when I found her sitting with a group of other girls. They all had thin
blonde hair and matching egg-shaped lunchboxes. With a sigh of relief I begin pacing

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towards her table. I can still recall the chill of a thousand eyes glaring me down as I
made my trek. When I finally reached her I hesitantly asked if could sit down. In
response the blonde girl sitting next to her deliberately placed her backpack down in the
open seat so I wouldnt be able to sit down. I remember the pang of betrayal I felt as I
desperately searched her face, but she simply refused to make eye contact with me or
acknowledge that she knew who I was. I think the most demoralizing part of
experiencing this betrayal was realizing that she was more embarrassed from the
thought of associating herself with me than I was for being rejected by her and her
friends in front of the entire cafeteria.
Stupid. Ugly. Freak. Weirdo. Loser. Constantly my subconscious would whisper
these words never relenting to remind me how worthless I was. One night after
struggling and failing to fall asleep, I came across a quote from an article that I was
reading about Kurt Cobain, one of my favorite artists. The quote read: They laugh at
me because I am different but I laugh at them because they are all the same. I began
to think about what it is in human nature that causes people to attack anything different
from them. Why does society think it is okay to dehumanize anyone that makes them
uncomfortable? Who even decided what is and is not normal and why the hell should I
have to listen to them?
With these ideas in mind I made the decision that I would be exactly who I
wanted to be. I would like what I wanted to like, dress how I wanted to dress, believe
what I wanted to believe and if doing those things made me a stupid, worthless, weirdo,
freak, than at least I would be who I was genuinely meant to be. The struggle to fit in

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was a losing battle I no longer wanted to fight. I was finished with allowing others to
smother who I am.
The following morning I walked into English class and slumped into my seat
feeling hollow. I began sketching meaningless doodles in my text book while my
geometry teacher yakked on about something I had no energy to listen to. I felt two
fingers tap me on the shoulder.
Olivia wanted to ask you something.
A boy mumbled between snickers. I turned over to see Olivia standing next to me
with a smirking expression on her face. Why do you wear so much black? she slurred.
It makes you look like a freak.
I was finished. I got up from my seat ignoring her and ignoring the teacher yelling
at me to sit down and I walked towards the exit door slamming it behind me. I could
hear woman chasing me down the hall as I begin walking. She started yelling to me that
I was not allowed to leave and that she would get security if I didnt listen to her but I
knew her threats were empty and I ignored her and kept walking. When I finally reached
the exit door to the parking lot I breathed in a breath of relief as I saw the blue sky
stretched out before me. The white clouds drifted by carelessly and the birds soared
free across the sky. I opened the door and felt the cool breeze caress my face. I can still
recall the smile that spread across my face as walked through the doorway. I was free. I
found who I was.
I believe in black clothing and obnoxious laughter. I believe in grunge rock and
men with greasy long hair. I believe in the weird and the unusual. I believe in surrealism.
I believe in mental freedom. I believe in pessimism and individualism. I believe in

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counter culture and non-conformism. I believe in reality. I believe in myself. I believe that
I am indeed a weirdo and a freak and I believe that this is ok. I believe that no matter
who tries to tell me these things are not okay I will still be who I am and I will be proud of
it. Most importantly, after everything I experienced, I believe that no one should ever let
anyones perception of them change the way they feel about their self or the way they
live. This I believe.