Workaholics:Hit and Run

By Zero Bintz

1916 Pike Pl #12-42

Seattle, WA 98101
206-214-8026

EXT. HOUSE-MORNING
Blake and Anders are out in the street pounding on Karls
van. Adam is on top of the van jumping up and down like a
maniac. Spray painted on the side of the van it says "Rape
Van".
BLAKE
(shouting)
Karl! Wake up! Karl!
ANDERS
Karl! Wake up! We need you to drive
us to work!
There is no response from inside the van.
BLAKE
I know what will wake him up.
be right back.

Ill

Anders turns and pounds on the van some more while Blake
runs into the house. Blake comes back wheeling a giant
bluetooth amplified bass cabinet on a hand truck. An
extension cord runs behind him into the house. He positions
it in the street facing toward the van.
BLAKE
Ive got his favorite song queued
up. This should do it.
Blake pushes play on his phone and the song burst out so
loud it blows Adam off the top of the van and Anders
standing in front of it gets flattened onto the side of the
van. Blake standing behind it jumps for joy and claps his
hands delightedly. The van door opens and Karl pokes his
sleepy head out.
KARL
Hey guys. Whats up?
Nobody can hear what anybody is saying so Blake turns off
the music.
ANDERS
Karl, we need you to drive us to
work. The Vol wont start. We need
a ride right now man, put on your
pants, maybe some shoes. Cmon.
BLAKE
Hey, Karl how come the Rape Van
is back?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

2.

KARL
Eh, you know I was getting too much
action. I have to hibernate for a
while, man. No one comes near the
Rape Van. I can get all the sleep
I want.
ANDERS
Yeah, ok, Karl. Cmon lets get
moving, were gonna be late for
work!
BLAKE
Wheres Adam?
From behind the van we hear Adam scream.
ADAM
Over here!
Blake and Anders go around the van and find Adam stuck in a
sticker bush. He is wriggling around but the more he squirms
the more stuck he gets in the stickers. He yelps in pain
with every move. Karl pokes his head out the drivers side
window. Hes dressed and refreshed looking and ready to
roll.
KARL
Cmon you guys youre gonna be late
for work!
Blake and Anders look at each other and then they each grab
one of Adams arms and yank him as hard as they can out of
the sticker bush. Adam screams in pain and lands on his face
on the sidewalk.

3.

INT. KARLSVAN-MORNING
Karl is driving. Anders is riding shotgun and Blake and Adam
are untethered in the back smoking out of a bong. Adams
clothes are torn and bloodied from the sticker bush. His
face is scraped from his encounter with the pavement.
KARL
Were almost there you guys. I
think you might be on time.
Blake takes a hit from the bong and then packs a new bowl.
He hands it up to Karl.
BLAKE
Heres a heroic bowl for our hero
Karl!
KARL
Oh gee, thanks! Id do anything for
you guys. You know that right!
Karl does the bong hit and smiles.
KARL
Some days you wake up on the right
side of the van! I feel good today!
Karl is passing the bong into the back just as hes turning
into the office parking lot. He doesnt see Bill walking to
the building. Blake and Adam looking from the back scream in
unison with Anders as Karls van slams into Bill sending him
flying feet over head. He lands face down up on the
pavement, still conscious. Karl slams on the brakes but
still runs over Bills leg.

4.

EXT.OFFICE BUILDING PARKING LOT-DAY

Everyone rushes out of the van and hovers around Bill. He
is still alert and he turns his bleeding face toward Blake.
BILL
Call 911...
KARL
No! Lets get him in the van, Ill
drive him to the hospital. Its
faster. Quick pull him out from
under the van!
BILL
No, No, No, call 911, call 911,
please...call 911, not the van, not
the van, not the van, 911, 911,
911...
They stuff Bill into the van and slam the door shut. We can
still hear him faintly shouting in a panic stricken voice.
BILL
911! 911! Call 911! Somebody please
call 911..
Everyone but Anders hops back into the van.
ANDERS
Im gonna go tell Funky Boss that
Bill got hit by a hit and run and
you guys took him to the hospital.
BLAKE
Tell her we called 911 and rode in
the ambulance to the hospital with
him!
ADAM
Well text you from the pit...al..
BILL
Please, please someone call
911...oh this van is so filthy...
Karl tears out of the parking lot.

5.

INT. KARLSVAN-MORNING
Here Bill, have a bong hit.
BILL
OK.
ADAM
(pounding on the dash board)
Lets move this rape van, Karl,
cmon!

6.

EXT. HOSPITAL-DAY
Karl pulls his van into the emergency drop-off area. Blake
goes in and comes back out with the EMPs. They load Bill on
to a gurney and wheel him inside.
BLAKE
Ill help Bill get checked in. You
go park the car, Karl. (under his
breath) Try not to run anybody else
over...
KARL
ok. Ill see you guys in a bit.

7.
INT. HOSPITAL DAY
Adam and Blake follow Bill into the hospital. Adam looks
lost and sits in an open chair. Blake goes over to the desk.
BLAKE
Hi, we brought our friend in. He
got hit by a car. A hit and run.
A nurse hands Blake a clip board with paperwork to be filled
out.
NURSE 1
Fill these out and give them back
to me when you are done. Well
have the officer come get a
statement from you too so stay
close by.
Blake looks at her nervously and then goes to sit by Adam.
BLAKE
(under his breath)
Ok, we have to get our story
straight, Adam. We saw a black SUV
hit Bill and then it drove away.
Got it?
Adam is not paying attention to Blake. He is smiling and
waving his fingers at a pretty nurse. She is smiling back
and waving.
BLAKE
(whispering vehemently)
Adam! Big black SUV! Got it?
The pretty nurse comes over to them.
NURSE 2
(to Adam)
Oh you poor thing! You look like
youre in pain!
ADAM
(to Blake)
Yeah, I got it, Blake.
(to the pretty nurse)
Oh, ow, yeah, Im in a lot of pain.
I could use some help.
NURSE 2
(in a flirtatious manner)
Oh, come with me. Ill fix you
right up!
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

8.
ADAM
Ok. I really appreciate you taking
care of me. (he stands up) Ow! That
smarts!

Bill rolls by on the gurney being pushed by an orderly as

Adam walks away with the nurse. We can hear Bill still
muttering 911, not the van.. quietly to himself. Adam and
the nurse go into a private room and she shuts the door and
locks it. She starts to unbutton her shirt.
NURSE 2
Get undressed.
ADAM
Ok, cool
Adam undresses completely and the nurse pushes him onto the
table and lifting her skirt quickly has sex with him. She
finishes, straightens her clothes.
ADAM
Wow, that was awesome! Can we do
that again sometime?
Adam, still naked, gets his phone out of his pants pocket
and walks over to her.
ADAM
Lets take a selfie together!
NURSE 2
Not a chance. If you ever tell
anyone about this Ill cut your
balls off and feed them to my cat.
The nurse grabs Adams clothing and leaves the room,
slamming the door behind her.
ADAM
Oh, hey! Where are you taking my
clothes? My wallet is in my pants!
The nurse is gone. Adam looks around and sees a folded
hospital gown so he grabs it and puts it on. He opens the
door a crack and seeing no one around he scurries out into
the hall. He runs down the halls getting lost in the maze of
the hospital. Finally he gets tired of running and enters
what turns out to be an unused operating room. He spies a
large canister of nitrous oxide by the operating table. He
jumps up and down for joy and then climbs up on to the table
and puts the mask over his face. He cranks the tank on and
pauses to take a selfie. He turns it up full blast and then
passes out on the table.

9.
INT. OFFICE-DAY
Anders enters the office and finds a hot, lost looking
Margaret Cho. He adjusts his tie in the reflection of the
window and sidles up to her.
ANDERS
Hello there. May I be of
assistance?
MARGARET
Hi. Im here looking for my sister.
ANDERS
Oh really? And who might that be?
Ill help you find her.
MARGARET
Her name is Jillian. Im pretty
sure this is the right office.
ANDERS
Jillian? Yes, yes, I know right
where she is. Come this way wont
you?
Anders licks his lips and slicks his hair back a bit as
Margaret walks ahead of him.
ANDERS
So do you live around here?
MARGARET
Yes, I mean, I just moved here. Im
still getting used to everything.
Finding my way around town and
such.
ANDERS
Yes, I see, I see. Well, I would
love to take you out and show you
some nice (winking) things.
MARGARET
Sure! Id love that!(winking back)
Anders hasnt seen Jillian yet so he stops at Jet Sets
desk.
ANDERS
Hey Jet Set have you seen Jillian?
This is her lovely sister...Oh, Im
sorry, I didnt get your name.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

10.

MARGARET
My name is Maraget. But my friends
call me Pookie.
ANDERS
(frowning)
Oh, ok...
JET SET
Well, hello Pookie. Come on in to
my office and let me get a good
look at you! Arent you a fine
figure of a woman. Come on over
here girl and take a seat. Jillian
left the office in search of
bananas for the Funky Boss, shes
potassium deficient you know. But
Ill take good care of you until
she gets back. Anders, go get us
some coffee. Pookie looks like she
needs a pick me up.
MARGARET
(smiling seductively)
Oh, I wouldnt mind picking you
up...that does sound refreshing!
ANDERS
Margaret, er, Pookie, do you take
cream and sugar?
MARGARET
No, sweetie, I take it black.
Anders walks off toward the kitchen. Margaret has settled
herself on Jet Sets desk and is fiddling with his tie and
running her foot up and down Jet Sets leg. Wayman has been
watching this whole scene and grabs a flower out of the vase
on his desk and hands it to Margaret.
MARGARET
Oh! How sweet! Thank you, you cute
man you!
Margaret gets up off the desk and walks past Jet Set taking
Waymans arm. She puts the flower in her hair and whispers
into Waymans ear. Waymans eyes get big and he smiles and
nods his head. Jet Set looks perturbed.
JET SET
Hey, look here now, Wayman. Pookie
and I were about to have some
coffee.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

11.

Wayman looks over at Jet Set and then gives him a push. Jet
Set stumbles backward slightly and then recovers. He looks
around and grabs the first thing within arms reach and
smashes it over Waymans head. Margaret screams and runs
away in the direction Anders went.

12.

INT. OFFICE KITCHEN-DAY

Anders is making two cups of coffee. He spits in one and
stirs it in. Margaret comes in and smiles enchantingly at
him.
MARGARET
Well, there you are! I was looking
all over for you! Is that my
coffee? What a dear you are!
Margaret takes the coffee he just spit in and drinks it.
Anders grimaces but recovers his cool composure.
ANDERS
So, Im thinking of taking you to
this nice little place I know of
called My Bedroom...
They both laugh and Margaret slaps him across the face.
MARGARET
Oh, you sweetie! I think that
sounds divine.
She gets up close and grabs his nipple and squeezes
Anders writhes in pain and half protests. She grabs
balls with her other hand and squeezes hard. Anders
agony and not sure whether he is having fun or not.
enters the kitchen carrying a bunch of bananas.

it hard.
his
is in
Jillian

JILLIAN
Mom! When did you get into town?
ANDERS
Mom!?!
Anders phone goes off as he gets a text. Its a picture of
Adam on an operating table huffing Nitrous. Montez walks
into the kitchen.
MONTEZ
Any of Yall seen Bill? I havent
seen hide nor hair of him and he
promised to bring in his
autographed reverse printed Tony
Gwynn baseball card. Apparently
theres only 20 in existence! Its
worth thousands!
ANDERS
Really? Thousands? Wow! Oh,
thousands! Bills in the hospital!
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

13.

ANDERS (contd)
Hit and run outside the office this
morning. Terrible, terrible...I
witnessed the whole thing...
MONTEZ
A accident! What? Did you get the
license plate number?
ANDERS
Yes, yes I did. It was 123 abc...
MONTEZ
Well, good. I got to go to the
hospital right now to make sure
that card is all right! I mean to
make sure Bill is all right...you
know. Jillian tell the Funky Boss
where Im at for me,ok?
JILLIAN
Sure, Montez, no problem. Mom, why
didnt you tell me you were coming
to town?
Anders walks back out to the main office where Jet Set and
Wayman are throwing furniture at each other. He goes into
the bosses office.
ANDERS
Hey, Funky Boss, Bill got hit by a
car this morning and hes in the
hospital. He looked pretty bad. Is
it ok if I go over there and see
how hes doing? Adam and Blake rode
over in the ambulance with him.
FUNKY BOSS
What?! Goddamn it! If its not one
thing its another. Wheres Jillian
with my bananas? Go see how hes
doing. Hell, just take the rest of
the day off. What in fucks bloody
hell is going on out there?
Outside the door Wayman has just rolled past in a chair with
a flower pot smashed over his head. Jet Set is screaming
obscenities in the background.
ANDERS
Jillians sister, I mean mother,
er, Pookie is visiting...

14.

INT. HOSPITAL DAY

Bill laying in the bed is all castified and looking
miserable. Blake is in there with him holding his hand and
offering a cup with a straw in it for him to drink out of.
BLAKE
Ok,lets go over the story one more
time. You were walking through the
parking lot, minding youre own
business when a big shiny black SUV
rolled in and smashed you into the
ground. It backed up and then took
off without stopping. Say it back
to me one more time.
Montez and Anders enter. Montez is holding a gift basket and
breaks out into tears as soon as he sees Bill.
MONTEZ
Oh My God! What did those monsters
do to you? They will pay, yes, they
gonna pay dearly for this atrocity.
Bill, can you hear me? Can you hear
me, Bill?
BILL
I can hear you just fine.
MONTEZ
Oh, good, good. I brought you a
gift basket. Its got all the
goodies look theres some gluten
free cookies.. What?!? Gluten free
oh hell no, I got the wrong gift
basket! I got the gluten free
crappy dappy doo! Let me just go
get you the correct gift basket.
you just lie there and get better,
heal yourself, think healing
thoughts. Colleen wanted to come
too but shes busy drying the
placenta in the dehydrator. The
baby is taking up all her time. She
is one hot mama since the baby
born, dont get me wrong! But she
sends her love. Ill be right back.
Montez leaves.
ANDERS
Wheres Adam?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

15.
BLAKE
I dont know. I havent seen him
since we got here.

Just then Karl wheels Adam into the room in a wheelchair.

Adam is still in a hospital dressing gown.
KARL
Hey, look who I found sitting
outside in the parking lot!
BLAKE
Dude, what happened to you? Ive
been taking care of Bill all this
time while you were off stealing
gowns and wheelchairs? Wheres
mine? Did you bring me one?
ADAM
Dude, I dont know what happened!
The last thing I remember is I was
huffing nitrous out of this giant
tank, I sent Ders the picture, did
you get it Ders? I was huffing and
huffing and then I woke up in this
gown and look...
Adam opens his dressing gown, he is naked underneath.
Anders, Blake and Bill all scream and turn away but then
turn slowly back to look. There is a large bandage running
across Adams abdomen.
BLAKE
What happened!?
ADAM
The chart at the end of my bed said
they removed my gallbladder! It
said my name was Antonio Groutsis!
These pain pills are fergalicious
though...
ANDERS
(turning disdainfully away
from Adam)
Yeah, so anyway, Bill are we clear
on our story?
BLAKE
Oh we are clear.
Blake pulls the autographed reverse print Tony Gwynn
baseball card out of his pocket. He stands up and heads for
the door.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

16.

BLAKE
Crystal clear, right Bill? Ill
just be holding on to this card
til Bill is all healed up and then
when hes all better we can talk
about him getting his card back.
So, what say we three leave Bill
here to get some rest. Where did
you say that giant nitrous tank
was, Adam?
Anders opens the door and Blake pushes Adam out into the
hall. Bill tries to reach for the tv remote but cant quite
get it. He tries to reach the nurse call button but cant
reach that either. Bill cries silently to himself.
THE END