Professional Documents
Culture Documents
MIRANDA:
(TO CAMERA:) Good evening and a hearty
welcome. Biscuit? Sorry mine. (EATS IT) Wouldn’t
have worked, it’s television, but it’s the thought.
Though if you’d been right here, I still would have
eaten it. (BEAT) Now, previously in my life, my
mother puts me under pressure to get a proper
job...
CUT TO:
-1-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
CAPTAIN:
So we’re signing Miranda to the Royal Navy?
MIRANDA:
What?
CAPTAIN:
The first trip is 7 months.
PENNY:
(PLEADINGLY:) Could it be longer?
CAPTAIN:
Miranda, do you really want to be in the Navy?
MIRANDA:
(SINGING:) In the Navy!... yes, you can sail the
seven seas… In the Navy!... Bet you get that a lot.
CAPTAIN:
No.
CUT TO:
-2-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
BACK TO PRESENT.
MIRANDA:
(TO CAMERA:) Alarming propensity to sing in
interviews. Luckily for that one I failed the exercise
test. They asked me to run. I said no. Running -
wrong unless professionally or as a child. As an
adult you should only run if you’re near a train
station and look at your watch first. And you
certainly can’t gallop like kids. Something I’d like
to see…
CUT TO:
-3-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
MIRANDA:
(V.O.) Make commuting fun.
CUT TO:
-4-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
BACK TO PRESENT.
MIRANDA:
(TO CAMERA:) Yeah, never really had an obvious
career path. That was clear with the careers
officer at Uni…
CUT TO:
-5-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
CAREERS OFFICER:
What would you say are your main strengths?
MIRANDA:
Probably dressing pets as famous detectives.
CAREERS OFFICER:
Go away please.
MIRANDA:
Inspector Morse Horse?
CAREERS OFFICER:
Goodbye.
CUT TO:
-6-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
BACK TO PRESENT.
MIRANDA:
(TO CAMERA:) Let’s not dwell, on with the show.
-7-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
CUT TO:
-8-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
MIRANDA:
Morning. Pirate stock! (PICKS UP A SWORD)
STEVIE:
Please don’t.
MIRANDA:
Stevie, you know you love it. Why are pirates
called pirates? Because they arrrrrr.
STEVIE:
Oh hilarious, look at me laughing. (BLANK FACE)
MIRANDA:
What’s wrong mon petit amie? (TO CAMERA:)
French for small friend.
STEVIE:
(HOLDING THEM UP:) Bank statements. You
said you’d cut down. What’s this 240 quid?
MIRANDA:
I couldn’t resist. I bought a donkey from that
Animal Shelter.
STEVIE:
You are joking?
-9-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
MIRANDA:
Yes.
STEVIE:
You’re still paying 60 pounds a month gym
membership? You never go.
MIRANDA:
I don’t need to. Look at me. (SHE STARTS
LIMBERING) Why do fit people or dancers always
stretch randomly. Chatting to them and (DEMO).
I’m in fine shape. (TO CUSTOMER:) Don’t you
think Madam – a woman in her prime? How old
would you have me? (TO STEVIE:) They always
come under.
CUSTOMER:
43?
MIRANDA:
Ah, you must be dyslexic. Because I’m 34, you’ve
reversed the numbers in your head. That’s what’s
happened.
CUSTOMER:
No, I thought you were 43.
-10-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
MIRANDA:
Get out please.
CUSTOMER:
(BEAT) But I need to buy…
MIRANDA:
Bye-bye is what you need to do. (USHERS HER
OUT) Bye-bye. Maybe I should go to the gym.
STEVIE:
(EXCITEDLY:) It’s a task. I am the…
STEVIE/MIRANDA:
Task master.
STEVIE:
(MR T VOICE:) These fools are makin’ me mad.
(BEAT) (HER VOICE:) Insert figures for fools.
MIRANDA:
I get the analogy. I love it when Mr T comes out.
STEVIE:
I am good at it. (BEAT) You will try and cut down.
MIRANDA:
(PIRATE ACCENT:) All right Captain. (PICKS UP
SWORD, PUTS ON EYE PATCH) Ha ha ha
haarrrr…
-11-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
STEVIE:
(PICKS UP SWORD, PUTS PARROT ON, WITH
ACCENT:) Ha, ha my hearties.
MIRANDA:
She’s gone. You can never refuse.
STEVIE:
Role play is very important. It enhances and
stimulates business practice.
MIRANDA:
Oh tell me more about that?
STEVIE:
Really?
MIRANDA:
No!
STEVIE:
(BEAT) Why is Miranda annoying? Because she’s
an arrrrrr….s.
MIRANDA:
(PIRATE ACCENT) Ha ha, Capn Stevie
Mcfingers…
STEVIE:
(ACCENT) Long Miranda Silver, you must walk the
plank.
-12-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
MIRANDA:
(NO ACCENT) I always walk the plank. Fine.
(ACCENT) I’m ready to meet my sweetheart who
died on the high seas. Go aah.
STEVIE:
Aarrrrhhh.
MIRANDA:
Just aah.
STEVIE:
Aaarrhh.
MIRANDA:
Sympathetic ah. Ruining it. You don’t know how
emotionally draining the plank can be.
PENNY:
(PANIC RANT) Listen. Tilly. Outside. Promotion.
Mother gloating. You - fake job. "Big success".
MIRANDA:
I think you dropped some verbs on the way in.
-13-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
PENNY:
Verbs…
On the way in. She just got a. I told her you got a.
To pretend you're the. That me and your father
wish you were.
MIRANDA:
(PANICKED:) I don’t understand.
PENNY:
(STILL PANICKED) I told Tilly you got a new job.
MIRANDA:
But I’ve got a job.
PENNY:
A proper job.
MIRANDA:
Are you ashamed of me? (EYE PATCH FALLS
DOWN OVER EYE)
PENNY:
Darling… of course I am, ridiculous question.
STEVIE:
(BEAT) Penny you’re being a bit hard. Under
careful management this shop could become a
successful chain. When someone wants a pair
of… comedy breasts they’ll think of your daughter.
-14-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
PENNY:
They already do.
MIRANDA:
Who cares if Tilly’s got a promotion. She’s the
idiot with everything ‘fabbifun and marevellosimus’
and why does she still call me Queen Kong?
STEVIE LAUGHS.
No. Unacceptable.
PENNY:
(LOOKING OUT OF THE WINDOW) Oh gosh,
she’s coming. She’s got such an annoying, what I
call, walk.
MIRANDA:
It is a walk. It’s not just what you call a walk. That
is your most annoying, what I call, expression.
PENNY:
Here she is. I told her you work in TV.
MIRANDA:
What?
TILLY ENTERS.
PENNY:
Oh hello Tilly, what a total and utter surprise. We
were just talking about Miranda’s new job.
-15-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
TILLY:
Yes, Mummy told me. (TO MIRANDA:)
Congratulasareenie Queen Kong. (AIR KISS)
Huge to see you. Titanic bummage you couldn’t
make Bunty’s Boat Christening.
MIRANDA:
Me too, it sounded fabbifun.
TILLY:
Twas spectuncular. (BEAT) You’ve obviously been
busy with the new TV job. Which I presume is a
joke. I mean no offence, but I didn’t have you
down as a career bitch.
MIRANDA:
No?
TILLY:
No. More someone who mucked about in a shop.
In a good way.
MIRANDA:
Actually, as a local business bitch I’ve been doing
extensive research for a documentary about the
retail industry.
TILLY:
Wowzers. King Kongrats. A documentary. Who
for?
MIRANDA:
Yes.
-16-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
TILLY:
What?
MIRANDA:
It’s for Who Four. New channel… e4, more 4, who
four.
TILLY:
And what TV company have you been with?
PENNY:
It’s a small independent down here.
TILLY:
What’s it called?
PENNY:
I’ve got nothing.
MIRANDA:
What’s it called?
TILLY:
Yes.
MIRANDA:
What’s it called?
TILLY:
What?
-17-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
MIRANDA:
What’s it called? That’s what it’s called. What’s it
Called. Which is funny because when people ring
we say ‘hello, what’s it called’ and they say ‘don’t
you know.’ And then they say ‘who are you making
programmes for’ and we say ‘who four’ and they
say yes, and we all laugh, so very much.
TILLY:
(STARES AT MIRANDA FOR A BEAT) Well it’s
important to have fun at work.
MIRANDA:
That’s what I’m always saying. The other day we
had these Cowboy and Indian costumes. I was a
horse and my colleague was a cowboy – brilliant.
PENNY:
(ALARMED) That sounds a good (POINTEDLY:)
TV show… (HITS MIRANDA)
MIRANDA:
What? (HITS HER BACK) Oh…reality show.
Celebrity Cowboys and Indian Indians. Good
show. Racist, but good.
TILLY:
Wow. Look the reason I’m…
-18-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
MIRANDA:
No thanks.
TILLY:
Pitta bread. (BEAT) Well, listen… (TEXTING) oh
hang on, wait there, hold please, nearly with you…
back… So, tomorrow I’m having a mini-a-scule
celebracioane of my promotione – yay. It would be
hilarious if you came. Penny, Stevie, you too?
PENNY/STEVIE:
(SARCASTIC:) Sounds divine / excellent…
TILLY:
Gosh it’s faintly embarrassing asking people to a
do about my silly job (FAUX MODEST LAUGH).
Kongeroo, defo come (LEAVING) Yes? Come,
come, come, come…
TILLY LEAVES.
STEVIE:
(CURTSEYING) Good morning.
-19-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
MIRANDA:
Good morning. I’d consider another job.
(STRUGGLING TO SIT RIGHT:) I really can’t
make this work. (BEAT) First, like all good career
bitches I’m off to the gym.
-20-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
MIRANDA:
(SHOUTING:) Hello. These don’t seem to be
working… the knob isn’t releasing the doors… I’m
really banging the knob now…
GUY:
Are you ok?
MIRANDA:
Fine. My work outs start the minute I enter the
building.
Permanently pumping.
-21-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
MIRANDA:
(SHOUTING:) Some one make it stop.
GUY:
Do you need a tour of the equipment?
MIRANDA:
No, no. I’m familiar.
CUT TO:
-22-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
MIRANDA:
(TO CAMERA:) What does it do? Does anyone
really know what they do?
GUY:
(APPROACHING) That looks good, keep going.
MIRANDA:
I think I’ll stop and get the lift to the top…. (SHE
GETS OFF)
CUT TO:
-23-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
MIRANDA:
What does this one do? How does it work?
GUY:
That’s a kids ball pool.
MIRANDA REALISES.
SC 16 & 17 CUT
-24-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
MIRANDA:
Hi guys.
GARY:
Blimey, you could fry an egg on that face…
CLIVE:
Ooh, can we try? (TO MIRANDA:) Can we?
MIRANDA:
No! This is just a healthy post workout glow. So
now I’ll have a carrot and orange smoothie and a
low fat bagel. And what I mean by that is a hot
chocolate and an enormous slice of cake.
GARY:
A work out? Impressive.
MIRANDA:
Yep, I did an Aerobics class. Well I did the warm
up, looked in the mirror and thought the full class
might be risky re a potential heart attack.
-25-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
GARY:
Did you consider the pool to cool down?
(LAUGHING AT HOW RED SHE IS)
MIRANDA:
I don’t do the pool. The lane system doesn’t work.
Fast lane, too intimidating. Slow lane too slow.
Get your face in old people’s feet and I hate to
overtake for fear of someone coming down the
other side and then the embarrassing pool based
collision.
GARY:
Medium lane?
MIRANDA:
Really tough the medium lane. Constantly proving
you don’t need to relegate to the slow lane. A lot
of pressure. I swim widths – just to annoy
everyone.
GARY LAUGHS.
CLIVE:
(FROM BAR:) Miranda, how much cake?
MIRANDA:
Do you have today’s paper?
-26-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
GARY:
Yeah, in the rack.
MIRANDA:
Thanks. I’m going to find a new job.
GARY:
Why?
MIRANDA:
Because Tilly and Mum think I couldn’t.
GARY:
What about the shop?
MIRANDA:
Stevie’s managing it full time now, I could take
something else on. I could get a real job right?
(LONG PAUSE) Guys…
GARY/CLIVE:
(COVERING UP:) Yes, of course, absolutely…
definitely possibly… not hopeless… yeah, bound
to be something… loads of things… easy…. Job,
you, your middle name’s job. (ETC.)
MIRANDA:
As supportive as my school.
CUT TO:
-27-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
TEACHER:
Hart! Don’t run in the corridor.
MIRANDA:
It’s a gallop miss. I think all businessmen should
do it, and one day I hope to tell the nation via a TV
show.
TEACHER:
Oh Hart. With that naïve optimism, you gallop girl.
It’s the only joy you’ll ever know.
CUT TO:
-28-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
BACK TO PRESENT.
GARY:
(HEADING OFF) I’d help but got loads of kitchen
prep – afternoon off tomorrow. Reunion with some
RAF pals.
MIRANDA:
You were in the RAF? With the uniform? (GOES
IN TO HER OWN WORLD)
GARY:
(BEAT) Just cadets for a bit when I left school…
MIRANDA:
(IN HER OWN WORLD:) Oh Maverick, you stud,
take me to bed and loose me for forever. Take my
breath away… Pilot your jet into my flight path…
(SEES GARY AND CLIVE STARING:) Oh, it’s all
been out loud.
PENNY ENTERS.
PENNY:
There you are. Now saddle up, I’ve got you an
interview tomorrow morning. (HANDS MIRANDA
SOME INFO) Personnel Manager for a sales team
in a, what I call, department store.
MIRANDA:
It is a department store. (LOOKING AT THE INFO)
Oh, Evergreeens, they’re big. No, I could do it,
couldn’t I? (LONG PAUSE) Guys…
-29-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
PENNY/CLIVE/GARY:
Of course… don’t see why…. Totally possible….
You’re a people person… why not…
achieveable… ETC. TO IMPROVISE.
MIRANDA:
Course I can. That’s why I got an interview.
PENNY:
Plus I knew the CEO.
CLIVE:
Must have known him very well.
PENNY:
(SEXILY:) Oh I did. Twice.
MIRANDA:
Unacceptable.
PENNY:
Do you want me to come with you?
MIRANDA:
Not a good idea …
MIX TO:
-30-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
PENNY:
Please take her, she’s got excellent sea legs.
Show him your sea legs.
MIRANDA:
No.
CAPTAIN:
I really don’t need to see her legs.
PENNY:
Come on show them.
MIX TO:
-31-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
BACK TO PRESENT.
PENNY:
Well good luck darling. (LEAVING) Speak later,
Tilly’s mother is hosting one of these fur charity
galas. “I’d rather wear fur than go naked.” I need to
get my mink from the cleaners. Such fun. (GOES)
MIRANDA:
This could be my thing – retail experience, people
skills…
GARY:
You’re not going back to the gym then?
MIRANDA:
Oh I’m going back all right.
CUT TO:
-32-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
MIRANDA:
I want to cancel my membership.
GUY:
Do you want to transfer the membership to another
branch?
MIRANDA:
No. Just want to cancel.
GUY:
So you’re not moving away and want to use a
different gym in our chain?
MIRANDA:
That’s the same question, slightly different
wording. I just want to stop paying my
membership. (TO CAMERA:) Not sure how much
clearer I can make it.
GUY:
You have to give three months notice to cancel
contracts.
MIRANDA:
Three months?
GUY:
And a months notice, to say you’ll be giving the
final 3 months.
-33-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
MIRANDA:
So that’s 4 months notice.
GUY:
Well it’s 1 months notice to give the final 3 months
notice.
MIRANDA:
Which is 4 months notice.
GUY:
(AT COMPUTER) You’ve only got 5 months left on
your contract…
MIRANDA:
I want no months, nil months, nada monthes…
GUY:
Well during the 3 months notice, plus 1 month
advance…
MIRANDA:
4 months notice…
GUY:
…you have to pay the fee. Plus, you’re charged 2
months penalty for cancelling. As you’ve only got
five months left…
MIRANDA:
I’d end up owing you money to cancel…?
-34-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
GUY:
Yeah.
MIRANDA:
I don’t want to stick with it. I want to stop paying to
have access to somewhere I never want to be.
Gyms are not for people like me. They’re for
people like her (AT A TONED, SLIM WOMAN
STRETCHING BY WATER COOLER).
(SHOUTS:) Freak.
GUY:
Please don’t hassle our members, or I’ll ask you to
leave for unsocial behaviour.
MIRANDA:
How can you sleep at night when all you do is
hand out a towel once every 3 hours to a piece of
lycra carrying a woman; whilst the majority pay for
the upkeep. We may not be the majority in
numbers, but pound for pound, there’s more of us.
We’ll have a sit-on. I will personally sit on you. I do
get what I want. Which is why I’m a successful
career woman…
GUY:
What do you do?
-35-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
MIRANDA:
I have an interview at Evergreens, the department
store, as it goes…
TILLY:
Evergreens?
MIRANDA:
Tilly. Hi.
TILLY:
You’ve missed Capoeria if…(WAVES GOODBYE
TO SOMEONE WHO WALKS PAST) Sorry, what
happened to the TV job?
MIRANDA:
Wasn’t challenging enough. When your brain’s as
agile as your body you need constant challenges.
-36-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
TILLY:
(LAUGHING AT MIRANDA) Konga, you desperate
lanky pants…
CUT TO:
-37-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
MIRANDA:
(TO CAMERA:) What do you think? (PLAYING
THE BUSINESS WOMAN:) Cancel my 10.15 and
move my 12.45. I’m going to be meeting people
with times instead of names. I’ll have a skinny
frappacino. Don’t know what that is. I like to think
you might be presented with a tiny Italian man.
PENNY:
Look at you. Being a success.
MIRANDA:
Haven’t got the job yet.
PENNY:
No negativity. So exciting. (CHANTING:) Go
Miranda, she’s my daughter, she likes… water,
causes retention, has no… pension…
MIRANDA:
Please leave.
PENNY:
Go Miranda, she’s my first born…
MIRANDA:
You shouldn’t be allowed out.
-38-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
PENNY:
… she likes popcorn.
CUT TO:
-39-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
DARREN:
Come in, take a seat. I’m Darren, head of
marketing and this is Sophie and Neil from HR.
MIRANDA:
Hi, nice to meet you. Thanks for seeing me.
DARREN:
Pleasure. So let’s get straight to it – what do you
think you can bring to this job?
MIRANDA:
I could bring some… tea and cakes to it – would it
like that?
DARREN:
(BEAT) Well that could certainly motivate the
team… The team you’d be heading are good, but
young, so they do need a lot of motivation. Is that
something you could bring to the table?
MIRANDA:
Motivation is my middle name. Motivator is my
surname. Miranda Motivation Motivator. Or
‘Mmm’. I’ll motivate now if you want.
DARREN:
Go on then.
-40-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
MIRANDA:
Ok… (SHOUTS:) get off your fat arses and do
something.
DARREN:
(BEAT) Certainly blatant. Now, a lot of our
products are for children, young families. Do you
have kids?
MIRANDA:
I don’t, but I get in to kids heads all the time – not
in a freaky subliminal way… I love kids. I believe
children are our future. (TO SELF:) don’t sing,
don’t sing… (SINGING:) teach them well and let
them lead the way, show them all the beauty they
possess inside… (TO CAMERA:) Can’t stop
(SINGING:) give them a sense of pride to make it
easier…
MIX TO:
-41-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
MIRANDA:
(IN THE SWING:) Because the greatest love of all,
is happening to me…
MIX TO:
-42-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
MIRANDA:
(ON THE TABLE GOING FOR IT, PEN AS A
MIC:) I decided long ago, never to walk in
anyone’s shadows, if I fail, if I succeed, at least I
will live as I believe…
DARREN:
That was very inspiring.
MIRANDA:
Thank you. I didn’t realise I knew so many verses.
DARREN:
(BEAT) I didn’t realise there were so many verses.
(BEAT) So, is there anything you’d like to ask us?
MIRANDA:
Oooh, yes. When lightning strikes the sea, why
don’t all the fish die?
DARREN:
(BEAT) Relevant to the job.
MIRANDA:
Oh… no.
DARREN:
Well thanks for coming in, we’ll be in touch.
CUT TO:
-43-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
STEVIE:
How did it go?
MIRANDA:
Ummm…. Good I think… there were some
positives amongst the…
STEVIE:
(BEAT) You sang didn’t you?
MIRANDA NODS.
MIRANDA:
I’d say the specific tune was academic wouldn’t
you?
STEVIE:
Well you do panic in formal situations.
MIRANDA:
I do.
CUT TO:
SC 29 CUT
-44-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
A POLICE CORDON.
MIRANDA:
Can I get through? What happened?
POLICE OFFICER:
A police officer was shot. Let me take your
details…
MIRANDA:
(SINGS:) I shot the sheriff….
CUT TO:
-45-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
BACK TO PRESENT.
MIRANDA:
And I know why I do it.
CUT TO:
-46-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
CAPTAIN:
Look I’m not sure her heart is in the navy…
MIRANDA:
(SINGING:) My heart will go on and
MIRANDA/PENNY:
(SINGING, TAKING THE WINSLEF DE-CAPRIO
TITANIC POSE:) Near, far, wherever you are…I
believe that the heart does go o-n…
CUT TO:
-47-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
BACK TO PRESENT.
MIRANDA:
Of all things to be hereditary…
STEVIE:
Maybe you’re not up to the cut and thrust of the
business world.
MIRANDA:
Thrust. (LAUGHS) Funny word. That’s all.
Doesn’t mean I’m not capable of taking business
seriously and thrusting (LAUGHS) with the best of
them. Thrust is a funny word. Come on thrust.
Thrust. Thrust. Said it too much now. Thrust.
Sounds weird. (TO CAMERA:) Thrust.
STEVIE:
(BEAT) Oh, I want it to sound weird. Thrust.
Thrust.
MIRANDA:
Gone weird yet?
STEVIE:
Not yet. Thrust. Thrust. Thrust. It’s gone weird.
Couldn’t even spell it now. Not even a word –
thrust.
MIRANDA:
I love that. (BEAT) You would have missed me
anyway.
-48-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
STEVIE:
No I wouldn’t.
MIRANDA:
You would have.
STEVIE:
I wouldn’t.
MIRANDA:
You would.
STEVIE:
I wouldn’t.
MIRANDA:
A little bit you would.
STEVIE:
Why would you have missed me?
MIRANDA:
A little bit.
STEVIE:
(SUDDEN EMOTION:) I would have missed you
loads. Sometimes I think you’re all I have.
-49-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
PHONE RINGS.
MIRANDA:
Thank God.
STEVIE:
Hello? No I’m her associate… Miranda, it’s
Evergreens.
MIRANDA:
Oh – you deal with it.
STEVIE:
(LISTENING:) Right. (LISTENING AND
REPEATING TO MIRANDA:) They liked your
unique, unorthodox techniques and once they
understood what you were saying knew they
wanted you. Can you start tomorrow?
MIRANDA:
I’ll see them at 10 am sharp.
STEVIE:
They start at eight.
MIRANDA:
I’ll be there at ten. Unique and unorthodox. Who
can thrust with the best of them.
CUT TO:
-50-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
MIRANDA:
(TO CAMERA:) How did this happen? A grown up
job. No longer need to fear the horrible
judgemental phrase at a social occasion ‘so, what
do you do’. Particularly at school reunions. The
last one…
CUT TO:
-51-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
GIRL:
After finishing my PHd I got a job in the foreign
office. Quite an adjustment from NGO relief work
in Camodia I can tell you (LITTLE LAUGH). So,
what do you do?
MIRANDA:
I’m…. Myleene Klass. TV make up can distort….
GIRL:
Right. (MOVES OFF)
MIRANDA:
See you later.
CUT TO:
-52-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
BACK TO PRESENT.
MIRANDA:
Right, now I work in management, I can manage
the gym situ.
CUT TO:
-53-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
GUY:
There’s nothing I can do. The contract’s full proof.
MIRANDA:
Except earlier you said you’d ask people to leave if
they behaved anti-socially. So if you don’t cancel
my membership I’m going to… I’ll… I’m going to
shit all over your towels.
GUY:
We’ll just wash them.
MIRANDA:
Right. Well… fine. I’m going to… break your pool.
GUY:
What? How?
MIRANDA:
I’ll tell you how, it’s just forming in my head… I will
usher in a mass of dirty dogs.
GUY:
Dogs?
MIRANDA:
Yes dogs. And I’m going throw them in the pool
and they’ll shed their horrid hair and I might even
release some bigger animals – get a sheep that’s
covered in poo balls, you know those poo balls
-54-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
GUY:
In the unlikely event that would work… we’d have
you arrested before you got a donkey in here.
MIRANDA:
Right, well you’d bar a lunatic for defacing
equipment. (SEES THE BALL POOL). I tell you
what I’m going to do…
DARREN:
No, no you won’t…
MIRANDA:
Even if I got there at eight…?
DARREN:
Please stop addressing me.
-55-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
MIRANDA:
Now look what you’ve done. I’ve lost my job and
can’t afford to pay membership, and Stevie will be
really upset. I know you don’t know her… So is
your company happy for a client to wee in a ball
pool in protest of it’s rules….
GUY:
Ok, Ok… if you stop … I’ll give you 5 pounds off
the monthly fee and a free instructor for 6 weeks.
MIRANDA:
(PAUSE) That could be good actually. I might
commit then.
GUY:
And if you sign up to our exclusive 36 month
membership contract…We’ll give you a free towel
robe.
CUT TO:
-56-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
MIRANDA:
Look at it – it’s gorgeous. I’ve always thought it
too much of a luxury to buy one of these. It’s not
just a towel, it’s a robe. It’s royal drying.
CLIVE:
(SHOUTING AT THEM:) I told you if you want
sparkling water, there’s a tap behind the bar and a
soda stream.
GARY APPROACHES.
GARY:
Hey, sorry about the job.
MIRANDA:
It’s ok. Stevie’s right the career world, not for me.
GARY:
You don’t want a job here this afternoon do you?
I’m off to my RAF thing…
-57-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
MIRANDA:
(DREAMILY:) Oh Officer, permission to land your
aircraft between…
CLIVE:
Out loud…
MIRANDA:
Ssh Miranda.
GARY:
(APPROACHING AGAIN:) It would help me out.
Clive’ll be on his own.
CLIVE:
I’m in charge and will fire you if you don’t pull your
weight. Nothing worse. (SIPS HIS COFFEE)
MIRANDA:
I’ll do it if I can see you in uniform later.
GARY:
OK certainly commander – I salute you.
(SALUTES)
MIRANDA:
(SALUTES AND GIGGLES.)
CLIVE:
Oh please.
-58-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
MIRANDA:
What? If you think I am now pathetically dreaming
about Officer and a Gentleman you are sorely
mistaken. I haven’t had those kind of dreams
since I was 12…18…27…33… last night, (TO
CAMERA:) just now.
CUT TO:
-59-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
PENNY:
(LOUDLY:) You weed in a ball pool.
MIRANDA:
Ssh. (TO CUSTOMERS:) I didn’t wee in it I just
threatened to. Carry on with your meals please.
PENNY:
(ANXIOUS) And now you’re a waitress. But you
work in TV remember.
MIRANDA:
No, I work in Evergreens.
PENNY:
You don’t because (LOUDLY:) you weed in a ball
pool.
MIRANDA:
Why say just that part of the sentence so loudly.
(TO CUSTOMERS:) I only threatened to wee in
the ball pool.
PENNY:
Oh lord, this is a, what I call, nightmare. I can’t
cope.
-60-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
TILLY:
Queen Kongoleeza Rice, are you following me?
MIRANDA:
No.
TILLY:
Cup of twa? My shoutciles?
MIRANDA:
Oh, you staying? You don’t want to take away a…
go away with something…
TILLY:
Got a meeting… (GOING TO A TABLE AND SITS)
(SHE BECKONS MIRANDA WHILST LOOKING
AT A NOTEPAD, NOT REALISING MIRANDA
HAS BEEN THERE A WHILE) Join, join, join,
join… sit, sit, sit,…. Join, join,… sit, sit, sit,
sit…(SEES MIRANDA AND JUMPS)
MIRANDA:
What are you having?
TILLY:
I could woof a gateaux. But just a tea.
MIRANDA:
Two teas. (SHE WRITES IT DOWN) (TO
CAMERA:) How’s this going to work?
-61-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
TILLY:
So congrats about the Evergreens job.
MIRANDA:
Thanks.
TILLY:
We can make my do a Michael doubelay
celebration. So are you replacing that nutter who
got fired before they started?
MIRANDA:
Blimey news travels fast out there. Well let’s say
some eccentric, not nutter. To give the nutter her
due. Or his due. Whoever’s due it was. It wasn’t
my due. Said due too much. Due. Sounds funny
now. Due. Thrust. Sorry. Right, I’ll get the teas.
TILLY:
Isn’t it waitress service?
MIRANDA:
Yeah, but it’s nice to pitch in…
-62-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
There we are…
TILLY:
Hang on a min – how is this tea? (TRIES TO
DRINK THE SALAD)
MIRANDA FLINCHES.
MIRANDA:
Don’t be ridiculous.
CUSTOMER:
Excuse me waitress, I think that’s our order.
TILLY:
(S)He’s talking to you.
MIRANDA:
Right, you’re probably confused. One minute I’m
in the shop working in television, the next in
Evergreens and then I’m a waitress. I’d explain,
but I can’t. I’m undercover. Have you ever seen
Spooks? I’ve already said too much.
-63-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
CLIVE:
Miranda, stop ordering food and chatting – you’re
fired.
MIRANDA:
That’s me.
CUT TO:
-64-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
MIRANDA:
(DEPRESSED:) Hi.
STEVIE:
Oh dear.
MIRANDA:
I got sacked, Tilly saw me being a waitress, and…
STEVIE:
Please don’t tell me you signed a gym contract to
get a free towelling robe…
MIRANDA:
Look at it!
STEVIE:
Pathetic.
MIRANDA:
I got five pounds off…
STEVIE:
Five pounds, that’s it.
MIRANDA:
Supportive, bad day.
-65-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
STEVIE:
Right. Come on, don’t worry. There’s always
something positive... Isn’t there Heather?
MIRANDA:
Umm… oh, umm… not much Heather, but I’m
going to go to Tilly’s promotione celebration and
proudly for once say I own a joke shop…
STEVIE:
Good girly.
MIRANDA:
You coming too? Going to change… (HEADING
UPSTAIRS)
STEVIE:
One sec… (ADJUSTING HER EXPENIDTURE
CHART) 5 pounds. Have you seen my
expenditure chart?
MIRANDA:
Oh yeah, bring it upstairs and talk me through it.
STEVIE:
Really?
MIRANDA:
No! (GOES) (O.O.V) Everytime.
-66-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
TILLY:
Hey, Konger, didn’t think you’d turn up.
MIRANDA:
Course – wanted to wish you well...
TILLY:
That is so sweet because you must be jealous –
pleased, but jealous you know.
PENNY APPROACHES.
MIRANDA:
No, not jealous because I have a great job that I’m
really proud of.
PENNY:
(TO MIRANDA:) Don’t worry darling, I’ve got this
covered…
MIRANDA:
No Mum it’s fine…
PENNY:
She’s a surveillance commander in the forces…
MIRANDA:
Oh no.
-67-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
TILLY:
(LAUGHING:) Yeah, yeah, the secret service …
MIRANDA:
Uh excuse me – why don’t you think I could do
that?
STEVIE:
People are so quick to judge.
MIRANDA:
Aren’t they Stevie?
TILLY:
How many jobs did you have or not have today
and now you’re really convincing us you’re in in the
forces….
MIRANDA:
Wow.
GARY:
Hi.
Commander. (SALUTES)
-68-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
MIRANDA:
(SALUTING) Cadet Preston.
GARY:
The barracks are secure and your officers await
your next orders.
MIRANDA:
Thank you. You can stand down for the night.
GARY:
Thank you maam.
TILLY:
No way.
MIRANDA:
(SMILES SMUGLY) (TO CAMERA:) This has
worked out marvelisaMousaleeni.
GARY:
Come here, know you’re dying to do this.
-69-
MIRANDA: EP 2: ‘JUST THE JOB’
SARAH HADLAND
STEVIE:
(CLAPPING, AS IN THE FILM) Way to go
Miranda, way to go. (WAVES TO CAMERA.)
END OF EPISODE
-70-