Established in 1509, catapulted into space, and then returned to Earth...five hundred years later!

October

The Pittiful News

The Weekly Satirical Newspaper of the University of Pittsburgh • Vol. 2 • Issue 6 2009
9
“We’re not pitiful, the news is.”
Dining Dollars Soar in Morning Trading Gay columnist
By: Lewis Lehe returns from
Staff Writer
Markets across the globe
fraud vacation
smiled on the Dining Dollar By: Sia Layda
(Symbol: $D) this morning, as Editor-in-Chief
the oft-maligned currency
climbed to record highs against As you probably noticed, I
the dollar, yuan, euro, Brazil- didn't have a column appear-
ian real, and the meal block. ing in last week's
"This is all about three edition. That's because, at
things: cereal, cereal and...what that time, I was sitting in a jail
now?...cereal, motherf***ers!" in London.
said Bellingham Benetton III, What, you say? I thought
31, of Goldman Sachs, who had you won the lottery, you say?
made heavy bets on the Dining So did I.
Dollars since Wednesday. Apparently, I fell victim to
Benetton clarified: "Me and something called
my ilk are making big fat "Spam." Apparently the
stacks of filthy money! Woo company that produces that
hoo! We're gonna get some meat-based product now finds
whores." it funny to play jokes on drag
Rachel Harris/Editor queens, making us think we've
The gains began when, in
Religious debates sprang up over campus in regards to this note. won a whole bunch of Pounds
overnight trading, the price of
Apple Jacks, Wheaties, and (and yes, I found out that that
Lucky Charms dropped 25% at Other analysts are skeptical chines even if you don't have IS what they call money in
Eddy's, effectively reversing that the trend has legs for the any change," said Pitt sopho- England). And then I found
the week-long retreat from the long run. more Steve Norton. "And I out they can arrest you when
dining dollar "Let's face it, there heard they're going to get these you buy a whole bunch of
that began merchandise by using a bank
when Red
“There is no reason isfreakingno reason for the new types of Bear Claws with
dining dol- strawberry frosting, so I'm go- card set up with that money
Bull 4-packs for the freaking din- lar to exist," said ing long on Dining Dollars." that actually doesn't ex-
reached new ing dollar to exist.” Peter Xiong, a Since the rally, the SEC is ist. Who knew?
heights on sophomore from investigating the run on Dining Anyway, on to a reader-sent
Monday.
-Peter Eerie. "You can still Dollars, ever since an investiga- email.
Once the Xiong buy things with real tion into the snackroom of ac-
Dear Sia,
Wall Street dollars at dining counting giant KPMG revealed
Journal made the announce- halls, and you don't get a dis- glaring inconsistencies between
ment, dorm residents rushed to count for using Dining Dollars. the taste of Apple Jacks and In a heterosexual relationship,
convert their dollars to dining The whole thing exists because the taste of apples. a guy usually proposes marriage
dollars to buy the tasty cereals people's parents don't believe to a girl after some time.
with the swipe of a card. Tow- that there could be such a com- Happy with our coverage on the With gays, how do you decide
ers lobby soon took on the bed- plicated system with no pur- Dining Dollar situation, or are which guy proposes? Do they
lam quality that most students pose, so they buy a bunch of you still confused over why Din- have to ask simultaneously? Do
only recognized from the end of useless Dining Dollars just in ing Dollars and Meal Passes lesbians just not propose?
Eddie Murphy and Dan Ak- case." have to be separate entities?
royd's Trading Places, the part Still, the future‟s market for Let us know at: Thanks,
when something confusing hap- dining dollars is sending robust PittifulNews@gmail.com Very Bi-curious
pens that involves oranges and signals for the long-term.
money. "With dining dollars, you can Dear Probably-Gay-Yet-
get stuff from vending ma- Using-Bi-Curiosity-To-Stay-In
Gay, Page 2
2 The Pittiful News—PittifulNews@gmail.com

Cooking is easy with marshmallows and a microwave

By: Caitlin Kempf
Staff Writer
A cooking column in a satiri-
cal newspaper? Seriously? I
know you‟re probably skeptical
about recipes you‟d find in a
paper that likes to talk about
dinosaurs taking over campus,
but hear me out.
How many meals a week do
you spend at Market Central,
waiting in line for some weird
dish that you can only eat if
you drown it in ketchup first?
How many dining dollars have
you wasted on the ridiculously
overpriced foods at Quick
Zone? Did you eat at
McDonalds more than six times
this week?
Your culinary skills are
probably subpar, and your
kitchen probably consists of a
microwave sitting on top of a
mini-fridge, but that doesn‟t
mean you have to be stuck un-
der the imperial rule of So-
dexho. Take a trip to IGA and
show them you don‟t need a
meal plan to eat stuff.
Microwave Desserts
Swiping cookies from the
dining hall is overrated. Im-
press your girlfriend or make
your roommates jealous by
making your own desserts.
Here are five things you didn‟t
know you could make in the
microwave. They only take a
few ingredients and a micro-
wave.
1. Rice Crispy Treats
Nuke the butter in a big bowl
until melted. Add the marsh-
mallows and microwave for a
few more seconds. Stir until
smooth, and then add in the
cereal. Lucky Charms treats
are my favorite.
2. S‟mores
Save out a few marshmallows
(Peeps work well, too), grab a
box of graham crackers, and
raid your roommate‟s chocolate
stash. Put the chocolate on the
graham cracker, put a marsh-
mallow on top of it, and nuke
for no more than 15 or 20 sec-
onds. Throw another cracker
on top and pretend you‟re
camping.
3. Cookies and Cake
Little known fact: you don‟t
need an oven to bake cookies.
Get a tube of cookie dough or a
“just add water” mix and nuke
one or two cookies at a time.
Or just eat the dough. Cake
works in the microwave, too.
You don‟t really need to add oil
and eggs; just mix 1/3 cup of
cake mix with ¼ cup milk or
water in a mug. Nuke for two
minutes. Marvel in your own
awesomeness.
4. Jello and Pudding
You can boil water in the
microwave, so you can make
Jello. Cook and Serve pudding
is also great, or you can cheat
and use instant: just dump in a
Ziploc with a pint of milk and
shake until ready.
5. Fudge
Oh yes! Melt 12 oz. chocolate
chips and 1 ½ cups peanut but-
ter, stir, and spread in a pan or
Tupperware. Chill. Be amazed.
You can find other recipes for
fudge online.
If you have any questions or
recipes you’d like to share, email
Caitlin Kempf at
cmk54@pitt.edu.

Pittiful Police Blotter
Wednesday, October 7
7:24 a.m.—Non-affiliate Noah
Jenkins was apprehended by
police after stealing 50 contain-
ers of Country Time Instant
Pink Lemonade from the IGA
on Forbes. Jenkins managed to
toss all the drink mix into the
fountain in front of the Cathe-
dral of Learning before he was
taken into police custody.
Thursday, October 8
12:46 p.m.—Pitt junior Frank
Arouet called the police after
allegedly „being beaten, forced
to commit murder, and having
[his] girlfriend turned ugly.‟
Arouet was merely an unsus-
pecting participant of UPTV‟s
latest show, “Candide Camera.”
Gay proposals depend on butchness and housing location
Gay, Page 1
-The-Closet,
In the numerous marriage
proposals I've received, it al-
ways seems to me that the more
butch/manly is the one who
buys the ring. Or, it's the old
rich guy you've been screwing
so that he buys you pretty
things. Either way. Also, it
usually has something to do
with a factor I like to call
"Which one has a vacation/
second home in Iowa, Vermont,
Connecticut, or Massachusetts."
As far as I know, lesbians do
not propose because there is no
need - once two lesbians begin a
relationship, it lasts FOR
LIFE. To my knowledge, there
has never been a lesbian rela- bitches, looks like that's all I
tionship that ended due to any- have to say for now. Tune in
thing other than the death of next week when I dis-
one (or both) partners. Some- cuss...something, I'm sure.
body please tell me if I'm wrong
here. Love,
What it all boils down to, Sia
VBc, is what feels right for
you. I.e., when you or your Got a question that you think
partner has had enough to might be gay, but you’re not really
drink/smoke/inject/whatever, sure, so you don’t want to make
one or the other will usually any sudden moves? E-mail them
produce a ring of some sort to pittiful.fag@gmail.com
(whether it goes on the finger
or...well, you know) and make a
clumsy speech about how much
they love the other. Makes me
want to puke. Unless it's a dia-
mond. Always say yes if it's a
diamond. Hope this helps! Well,

PitTiful News STAFF

Editor-in-Chief: Jake Swanson
Jess Edelstein Becky Kerner Greg Norcie Julie Rozen Dave Smeresky
Rachel Harris Lewis Lehe Phil Papa Mike Ruane Eileen Tong
Caitlin Kempf Brigid Mulholland Diana Ren Matt Russak Emma Weimer

Come to our meetings: Wednesdays @ 6 PM, in Room 329 of the Cathedral. We’re just as cool in person as in print.