Bee Thao

Sloan Hobbs
ENG 111-054
Paper #5: Proposal Paper

Finding a Successful Marriage

A problem causing great amounts of grief for Americans today is a failed marriage,

provided that a person can get married in the first place. Locke attributes marital failure to poor

communication, incompatibility, and ultimately, an inadequate courtship (qtd. in LeMasters

576). Many people cannot find a good date, let alone a prospective spouse or lover. It has

become harder for generations of people to find mates with whom they can share their love,

marry, and enjoy the rest of their lives with, due in part, to diminishing rules pertaining to

courtship. While many people may not be compatible with their lovers, those who are compatible

are sometimes unwilling to work out the differences which they may have, being unwilling to

communicate and create a more intimate relationship. Courtship practices and methods of

communication need to be taught to children before they begin to court and while they are still

impressionable, to prevent problems in their marriages. The failure of a marriage is a problem

that must be examined in greater detail; however, it can be remedied by teaching people how to

communicate effectively.

Failure in marriage can be attributed to many things; foremost among these is poor

communication. Sollee explains that “love and marriage are actually skill-based propositions”

(Sollee n.pag.). Partners lacking in communication skills tend to argue and bicker more often,

with the “[process of alienation being] a slow culmination of conflicts and disagreements,

accompanied by the psychological withdrawal of one or both [partners]” (LeMasters 576). This

is evident in the many case studies of the ‘50s provided by Bernard, Buchanan, and Smith, Jr. In
one example, a young woman shows her love by combing her boyfriend’s hair, a common

custom for the times. However, it baffles the boyfriend that she would do such a thing. It was

obvious to the boyfriend that the young woman loves him, but he knows that he lacks the same

love, stating “Love simply did not come to me that quickly and easily. And she was talking of

marriage. Could I ever talk to her about what I felt, hoped? Could she ever understand my life?”

(Bernard, Buchanan, and Smith, Jr. 154). The miscommunication of the differing needs and

wants of the boyfriend and young woman ultimately leads to an argument that leaves the young

woman in tears (156).

Such miscommunication of intent is a large source of incompatibility in relationships.

The previous story of the boyfriend and the young woman is a good example of differing intents,

wherein the male is generally opposed to a commitment which he feels is imposed upon him by

the female partner. These differences are still evident today and are the cause of many lost

relationships. Syson comments that, speaking on behalf of the men, “the thought of embarking

on the whole relationship ‘thing’ seemed too scary. ‘Better leave it,’ [they’ll] say to

[themselves]. ‘Easier for everyone that way, instead of getting her hopes up and then chucking

her in a few weeks.’” (Syson 34-5). Hence the stereotypic male, with the omnipresent fear of

commitment, ends relationships as early as possible, usually after one night. For those couples

with a steady relationship that has lasted for months, a shift in the “status quo” toward

commitment can also cause a man to end a relationship, “unless he’s blissfully in love and ready

for commitment”, otherwise, “[h]e doesn’t want to lose [his lover], but […] he doesn’t want to

make any lasting promises [either]” (Syson 84). With all these examples of failing relationships

due to the lack of commitment from men, there is no shock to find that poor and inadequate

courtships between spouses prior to marriage have resulted in failed marriages.

 Ultimately, a successful marriage can accurately be predicted by looking at the

relationship during courtship prior to marriage, focusing more intently upon the relationship as

seen in the phase of steady dating and engagement (LeMasters 168). While other forms of

dating, such as the random “blind dates” and “group dates” do exist, they function mainly to help

people adjust to the dating scene, either in teaching emotional self-control and the ability to

interpret behavior correctly (113), or just to expose a person to the different varieties of potential

spouses (95). Engagement and steady dating, or “going steady” for the purposes of marriage,

also function as a learning tool (129). The time spent with an espoused can be used to get to

know each other better, serving to make marital adjustments and to test the relationship (169).

“What attracts [men and women] to each other […] are factors that are harder to pinpoint[:] […]

companionship, humor, sex, common interests, the perfect emotional match”, hence the use of

steady dating and engagements to find out more about one’s partner (Merser 40). Unfortunately,

a person must generally have superficial attributes, such as fashion, style, and physical

appearances, to seem attractive at the onset (LeMasters 105). “[Y]ou have less than 10 seconds

to make a good first impression” (qtd. in D’Angelo 10), and poor first impressions, such as those

resulting from miscommunication, have always been hard to overcome. Current examples

involve subtle forms of communication, wherein men and women communicate more frequently

with body language across bustling night clubs. While body language is less of a factor in a

marriage, it can determine whether or not a person attracts a partner in the first place. “Body

language is 60 percent of communication”, having “the gusto to drown out the loudest heart-

pounding techno beat at the club and reveal what you truly want – or don’t want” (qtd. in

D’Angelo 10). Even miscommunication in this subtle language can become a problem.
“Sometimes women send the wrong signals and they get hit on when they don’t want to be” (qtd.

in D’Angelo 11).

Since steady dating and engagement have “extremely vital functions”, inadequate

courtship during this period can be detrimental to a resultant marriage (LeMasters 164). “The

best single predictive item is success in engagement” (LeMasters 168). Engagement is the final

testing grounds for a proposed marriage, being “the last opportunity a couple has to test their

relationship and make sure […] that their marriage will stand the test of time” (157), such that a

couple is successful if they endure “a year or more of formal engagement without serious

conflict” (168). However, if an engagement does not “assure that [a] couple will know each

other thoroughly before marriage” or does not “[specify] the relationship between [a] couple”,

then it is unsuccessful and leads to an unhappy marriage (158). LeMasters cites examples of

“unhappily married couples who were still […] on the chit-chat level […] when they got

married. These were couples who either had not had an engagement or had had an unsuccessful

one” (158). Engagements can also fail because of geographic separation, “excessive

preoccupation” with sex, or the emotional immaturity of one or both espoused (181). Examples

of this are readily available as seen in sitcoms and soap operas through television screens and the

media.

The failure of marriage is a problem resulting from poor communication, incompatibility,

and inadequate courtship, especially during engagement; however, it affects a wide variety of

people. Failed marriages involve annulments, desertions, separations, and divorce (LeMasters

567-8). Many people think of divorce when they think of a failed marriage, however, it must be

realized that the situations caused by divorce could easily be caused by the other forms of failure

as well. As such, marital failure is “essentially traumatic” and few Americans “can go through
[it] and think nothing of it” because it involves “a profound disruption of the person’s life: [the]

living arrangements, [the] sex life, [the] recreation, [the] circle of friends, [the] financial affairs,

etc.” (LeMasters 574). If children are also a factor, then the lives affected by the marriage is

broadened even further. Think now, about how many people are affected by the decisions of just

one person. For example, the recreational activities of one person can influence the happiness of

anybody who has chosen to have fun with that person. If they can no longer have fun together

then the happiness of both parties involved has declined. The same is true for the circle of

friends. Marital failure can also cause changes in personality, such as lowered self-esteem which

leads to feelings of anger and desperation. One woman took “several months of therapy” to

regain her composure (Johnson 58). Goode adds that “the trauma […] precedes the divorce

itself, going back to the earlier period when the marriage was failing” (qtd. in LeMasters 578).

However, it must be stated, that divorce can be a solution to a failing marriage. It is

estimated by Bernard that sixty percent of the divorced population of the 1950s benefited from

their divorce, either in feeling relief that a bad situation has ended, or in finding a “more

compatible partner” (qtd. in LeMasters 580). “Most [women] reported that they would rather be

divorced than unhappily married”, also reporting that “on the average, their children were less

disturbed living with one parent in peace than with two parents at war” (qtd. in LeMasters 579).

Yet, divorces do not need to occur at all if a marriage is open and never reaches that

point. “It’s not differences but how you handle them that separates the successful marriages

from the failures. Disagreement [and fighting] isn’t predictive of divorce. […] Stonewalling,

avoidance, disengagement, contempt, criticism, and the silent treatment are” (Sollee n.pag.). As

long as a couple communicates openly and honestly with one another, they can overcome their

differences. Sollee continues, saying “Repair attempts are crucial – highly predictive of marital
happiness. […] [T]he willingness to make up after an argument or fight is central to every happy

marriage (Sollee n.pag.).

Having surmised that failing relationships result from poor communication, solving this

problem is much simpler. Failing relationships can be remedied by teaching people how to

communicate effectively. Though this can be done during any period of a person’s life, it ought

to be done while minds are still impressionable. It is also easiest to incorporate communication

skills into the general population by making it mandatory through public education. What

objections could reasonably be made against teaching children to communicate effectively?

Communication encompasses skills which are vital to the any proposition, thereby allowing a

person to be successful in creating strong relationships, but also in today’s world (Sollee n.pag.).

Communication courses in elementary school can supplement the grammar and English being

taught, allowing children to communicate effectively throughout their lives. Mandatory courses

in middle school or junior high school and especially during high school can help to reinforce the

skills taught in elementary school. Many facets of communication involve confidence, body

language and gesticulations, as well as verbal language. Students could be taught how to speak

and act confidently in society, how to formulate thoughts and express themselves verbally, and

how to end miscommunication. Such a class could be incorporated fairly easily into the English

grammar classes, which follow the same line of thought, such that a student first formulate an

idea, then express the idea appropriately.

The knowledge gained from these courses is highly applicable to courtship. Dr.

Billingham explains, “True connection occurs when a couple becomes so intertwined with each

other’s lives that they begin to feel like one new person”, however the couple must still remain

distinctly separate personalities as well (qtd. in Knadler 178). Knadler reports on several ways to
become more intimate, including “concentrated togetherness” to reveal the inner selves of each

partner (180). “Silent sex” is also advocated, because partners must “zero in on the subtlest

physical rhythms” to know what the other person is feeling, thereby creating a “deeper, more

emotional expression of intimacy” due to concentrated body language (Knadler 180).

Of the more subtle things that you can learn from a communications course is confidence.

Some men have commented that “[t]he whole point of dating is to find someone you can go wild

with and not feel inhibited around” (qtd. in Rush 156). Confidence can make anybody more

attractive, such that they “can handle being in the spotlight”, being a “good storyteller” who

reveals themselves through the stories they share (qtd. in Rush 156). Not only does a person

need to be confident in conversation, but also in the lack of dialogue, such that “[if a date] can

ride out a silence without sweating or starting to jabber uncontrollably, it [shows that a date is]

confident and comfortable [with the situation]” (qtd. in Rush 156). Confidence is most important

in the initiation of a date. Generally guys initiate a date by asking a girl out, only after he has

been given “a green light—that one, unsubtle, anvil-on-the-head signal that tells him” to ask her

out (Rush 158). Not only can communication courses teach confidence, but much more.

Communication is shown to improve marketability in life as well as in love and marriage,

affecting many aspects of life. It is general knowledge that a good, loving relationship can

increase happiness and productivity in life; hence many lovers are called neurotics (LeMasters

20). Mandatory communications courses in public schools from grade school throughout high

school can improve a student’s chances for finding a date, teach students how to interact sociably

with their dates, and allow couples to become more intimate. These courses would contain much

of the information which Sollee endorses so readily, being “simple […] user-friendly” courses

which allow people to “open a new dialogue with each other [and] open up new pathways”
(Sollee n.pag.) Communication is a necessity that many people just happen to pick up while

talking to others, just as they do with a majority of the spoken English. Unfortunately, what

people learn by word of mouth is not always correct. These communications courses would

improve society as a whole, even allowing a person with a heavy southern drawl to communicate

effectively with a New Yorker.

Money may be involved in this proposition, but it involves the same amount of pay to

teachers; it merely changes what they are required to teach. Many teachers already attend

seminars during summers to increase their teaching skills, why not provide seminars in teaching

communication as well. If this is done, effective communication will eventually become so

ingrained in the lives of all Americans that there will be few problems in the propagation of

communication courses. Americans will be courting more effectively as well, increasing the

success of marriages.

Finding a successful marriage is easiest when both parties involved in the marriage have

good communication skills. This allows a marriage to stay on the path to success, because

marriages affect the health, wealth, satisfaction, and well-being of all those involved (Sollee

n.pag.). Proper communication during courtship lets both parties know whether or not to pursue

marriage. Once marriage is agreed upon, communication can draw a couple closer together to

create a very intimate relationship. Communication courses are simple solutions which involve

very little change in society, yet are applicable to many things in life.
 Works Cited

Bernard, Jessie, Helen E. Buchanan, and William M. Smith, Jr. Dating Mating & Marriage: A

Documentary-Case Approach. Cleveland: Howard Allen, Inc., 1958.

D’Angelo, Chryso. “Bar Room Buzz: What Your Body Language Says to Men.” Woman’s

Own Jan. 2002: 10-1, 78.

Johnson, Lisa. “Dating After the Divorce.” Woman’s Own Jan. 2002: 58-9.

Knadler, Jessie. “A Couple’s Manual: Go From Close to Totally Connected.” Cosmopolitan

Dec. 2001: 178-181.

LeMasters, E. E. Modern Courtship and Marriage. New York: Macmillan Co., 1957.

Merser, Cheryl. Honorable Intentions: The Manners of Courtship in the ‘80s. New York:

Atheneum, 1983.

Rush, Colleen. “Secrets of Girls Who Get Second Dates.” Cosmopolitan Dec. 2001: 156-8.

Sollee, Diane. Interview with Jon Galuckie. “A Conference that asks: Are You Smart Enough

To Have a Smart Marriage?” May 1997. 14 Nov. 2001.

<http://www.smartmarriages.com/playbackinterview.html>.

Syson, Damon. “Nice Guys Admit… ‘What Made Me Dump Her’.” Woman’s Own Jan. 2002:

34-5, 84.