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HORNBLATTS
A SHORT PLAY
By Les Epstein
Copyright MMVII by Les Epstein
All Rights Reserved
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OP
CAST OF CHARACTERS
(1 MAN, 1WOMAN)
TC
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SIDNEY HORNBLATT ...............A wiry, aging man with soft eyes able to
DO
BY LES EPSTEIN
OP
AT RISE:
From the porch of a house that overlooks a bend in the road, the
sound of fresh lettuce being munched can be heard. SIDNEY and
HAZEL HORNBLATT sit on their porch eating salads. They face
forward, behind standing trays, so they can watch cars pass on the
highway. Though not seen, a small cemetery rests directly across the
highway. They crunch vegetables in silence. Each wears a napkin
tucked into their short collar. A car flies by, and SIDNEY and HAZEL
move their heads left to right following the car. Once it has passed,
they look forward and chew the lettuce like Holsteins chewing cud. A
second car passes and the couple watches the car move left to right.
They chew some more.
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BY LES EPSTEIN
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HAZEL: (Rising and leaving to get the main dish.) What? Youre
arguing with me over a dream? Finish your salad. (She removes
his salad plate while he tries to eat.)
SIDNEY: HEY! STOP! This is my last chance at solid food till
Friday.
HAZEL: (From the other room.) Those eight legs crunched in the
beaks like those crab legs we get at the Chinese buffet.
SIDNEY: Those are good. But penguins dont fly.
HAZEL: (Returning with the main course.) They do now.
SIDNEY: Hazel. Penguins dont eat spiders, neither. They eat fish.
(Taking a bite of food.) Lox.
HAZEL: Those penguins were flying in our window and eating
spiders.
SIDNEY: Hazel . . . did it seem like these penguins were doing
something else . . . ? Didnt you have this dream before?
HAZEL: Something else?
SIDNEY: You know . . . something else. Like in the closet of your
mothers Catskill cabin something else.
HAZEL: Oh, that something else. You know, come to think of it, after
each penguin ate a spider, they would kiss. Then they would eat
another spider and make a smacking noise like the noise Ken
Berkman and his girl made when they were in the closet.
SIDNEY: Yeah. It sounded like they were eating potato chips. I
remember you were always worried that your mother would find
out what everyone was doing in her closet. You were dreaming
about your mother again. Its your eatable complex again. Youre
feeling guilty about something. Thats my interpretation.
HAZEL: (She looks at him and then changes the subject. Holding up
two florets of cauliflower.)
Hey, Sid.
Who invented the
cauliflower?
SIDNEY: How would I know? I dont spend my days contemplating
cauliflower. (Somewhat to himself.) I dont even like to eat them,
they taste like paste.
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BY LES EPSTEIN
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HAZEL: Sid, its stew made with these two old wrinkled hands. Stew
from the sweat of my brow. (Standing and making a dance of her
recipe.) I take a pot and fill it with a little water. (Tossing out her
hands.) PAH! I cut up carrots, celery and onions and into the
water they go. (A ballet or basketball move for the vegetables.)
PAH! PAH! PAH! I dice up potatoes. PAH! And PAH! And then
the brisket. I chop the meat up: PAH! PAH! And pppah! And
then into the pot. (Growing delicate with her movements.) PAH!
PAH PAHHHHH!
SIDNEY: (Trying to contribute in his own way.) Plop.
HAZEL: No plop, Sid. Just pah. The stew cooks on the stove. PAH!
I take it off the stove. PAH! I wipe the sweat from my brow, PAH!
I slap it on a plate. PAH and PAH. And under your nose it goes.
Any questions?
SIDNEY: No.
HAZEL: Good. Now eat. (SIDNEY looks down at his plate. He
looks to HAZEL and she cuts him off with a rising pitch.) PAHHH!
(SIDNEY puts down his fork.) Pah, Sid, pah. (He clears his throat
and she replies with a husky pitch.) PAHHHHHHH! (Silence and
then she speaks.) Alisa Craig says shes decided not to do her
taxes anymore, since her sons run away and her dogs dead. I
thought that was reasonable enough.
SIDNEY: (After a brief look at HAZEL.) Hazel, shes got to do her
taxes. Its the law.
HAZEL: Sid, the law has to show some compassion some of the
time . . . especially when it comes to runaway sons and dead
dogs.
SIDNEY: Listen, I know something about the law business.
HAZEL: Yes, dear. You do know the law business.
SIDNEY: Practiced it for forty years, durnamnit. Prosecuted the
Whaleys in that Seattle kidnapping case.
HAZEL: Whaleys in what Seattle kidnapping case?
SIDNEY: The one in the 30s. Where they took the paper mill
peoples kid.
BY LES EPSTEIN
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HAZEL: Sid . . .
SIDNEY:
(While eating.)
Demanded 200,000 for his return,
durnamnit bastards. I prosecuted them. Sent them to Alcatraz.
With the Birdman. I sent them to be with the Birdman.
HAZEL: The Birdman?
SIDNEY: Yeah! The Birdman of Alcatraz.
HAZEL: What?
SIDNEY: Burt Lancaster. Durnamned bastards. Went to jail with
Burt Lancaster. The wife did hard labor in Michigan.
HAZEL: Sid . . . dear . . .
SIDNEY: Made themselves look weak in the papers, Ill tell you.
Morons refused a lawyer, because they said they didnt have any
friends and so who would defend them? Morons!
HAZEL: Sid, you didnt prosecute that case, dear. You read about it
in law school.
SIDNEY: What? I did?
HAZEL: Yes, dear.
SIDNEY: I read about it in law school?
HAZEL: Yes, Sid. You were only five in 1935.
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DO
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