Jokes

Rude !

Jokes
The Rudest selection ever!
Get Ready to Gasp

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Version date:

Feb 2002

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Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

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A: Oral sex makes your day; anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q: What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A: They can both smell it but can't eat it.
Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Q: What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A: By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box.
Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end when you lose your house.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full.
Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
A: Put a nipple on it.
Q: What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down and use a lubricant.
Q: What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A: Money.
Q: What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After five years your job will still suck.
Q: What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig?
A: A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.
Q: Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A: Men are stupid, but few are blind.
Q: What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common?
A: They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
Q: How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.

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Q: Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

A: He is the guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand, and a dozen donuts.
Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A: She is the one who can eat the last donut!
Q: What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?
A: A pickpocket snatches watches.
Q: What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
A: They are both used as a meat substitute.
Q: What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blowjobs?
A: One is a good year, and the other is a great year!
Q: What do old women have between their breasts that young women don't?
A: A bellybutton!
Q: Whats the best way to remove unwanted pubic hair?
A: Spit.
A few for the Ladies
Q. Why do men become smarter during sex?
A. Theyre plugged into genius.
Q. Why dont women blink during foreplay?
A. They dont have enough time.
Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. They dont stop to ask directions.
Q. Why did god put men on earth?
A. A vibrator cant mow the lawn.
Q. What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
A. Theyre intended for children, but men usually end up playing with them.
Q. Why do men masturbate?
A. It is sex with someone they love.
Q. Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A. So they wont hump your leg at a cocktail party.
Q. Why did god make men before women?
A. You need a rough draft before you make a final copy.

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Three guys and a girl

Three guys and a girl are marooned on a desert island.
After one week, the girl is so ashamed of what she's doing, she kills herself.
After another week, the guys are so ashamed of what they're doing, they bury her.
After another week, they're so ashamed of what they're doing, they dig her up again.

Flowers
Two women are sitting on the front porch one Friday afternoon.
The first woman says, "Here comes my husband with a bunch of flowers.
That means I'll be on my back with my legs in the air all weekend."
The second woman asks, "Don't you have a vase?"

Pet shop frog

A woman is walking past a Pet shop when she sees an advert in the window.
"Good home wanted for clitoris licking frog."
She goes inside and says to the guy behind the counter,
"I've come about the clitoris licking frog."
"Oui madame," the assistant says.

Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood was getting ready to go and visit her grandmother in the forest and her
mother said, "You'd better not go out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because the big bad wolf's
out, and you know what he'll do; he'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties
and fuck your little red socks off."
But Little Red Riding Hood pulled out a shotgun and said,
"Don't worry Mum, I've got it covered."
So she was walking through the forest when she came across the three little pigs. One of them
ran out of the brick house and said,
"You shouldn't be out tonight Little Red Riding Hood! The big bad wolf's out and you know what
he'll do if he catches you. He'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and
fuck your little red socks off."
So she pulled out the shotgun and said, "Don't worry boys. Got it covered!"
As she continued through the forest she came across the big bad wolf and he said, "You
shouldn't have come out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because you know what I'm going to do?
I'm going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red
socks off."
So she lifted up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties, lay down on her back with
her legs apart, pointed the shotgun at him and said...
"NO! You're going to eat me like the book says."

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Lucky Guy?
A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist,
"Listen, I have 3 girls coming over tonight. I never had 3 girls at once, I need something to keep
me potent all night."
The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a box of
pills marked X. He says, "Here, if you eat one of these you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!"
The guy buys a box full.
Same guy walks into the pharmacy the next day. He walks up to the pharmacist and pulls down his
pants. The pharmacist is horrified as he see the man's organ is black and blue.
The man says, "Give me a can of muscle sprain spray and a sling."
Muscle sprain spray, the pharmacist replies, You're not going to put it on that are you?"
The guy says, "No, it's for my arm, the girls didn't show".

House Painter
Mrs. Jones is having her house painted, and her husband comes home from work and leans against
the freshly painted wall.
The next day, she says to the painter,
"Want to see where my husband put his hand last night?"
The painter says, "Look, lady, Ive a tough day's work ahead. Why don't you just make us a cup of
tea?"

The gynaecology conference

In the middle of an international gynaecology conference, an English and French gynaecologist
are discussing various cases they've recently treated.
French Gynaecologist : "Only last week, zer was a woman ooh came to see me, and er cleetoris eet was like a melon."
English Gynaecologist : "Don't be absurd, it couldn't have been that big, my god man, she
wouldn't have been able to walk."
French Gynaecologist : "Aaah, you eenglish, zare you go again, always talkeeng about ze size... I
was talkeeng about ze flavour..."

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Fast behaviour
A young couple were out driving one evening. The guy says,
"If I drive at 100 miles an hour, will you take all your clothes off?"
Yes, the girl agrees and he begins to speed up.
By the time the speedometer hits, 100 she is totally naked. He is so busy staring at her that he
drives off the road and crashes the car.
The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the
car. "Go get help," he pleads.
She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."
He points to his shoe and says, "Cover your crotch with that and go get help from the gas station
down the road."
She takes the shoe, covers herself between the legs, and runs to the gas station. When she
arrives, she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The attendant looks down at the shoe, and replies.
"I think it's too late id hes stuck up there!"

The last thing he said ..

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "Aye, That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'"

Sisters
Twin sisters had just turning one hundred years old in a nursing home.
The editor of the local newspaper, The Distorter, told a photographer to get over there and take
the pictures of the twins. One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite
well.
The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID
HE SAY?"
"HE SAID, WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.
"Now get a little closer together", said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE".
So they wiggled up close to each other.
Just hold on for a bit longer, "Ive got to focus a little", said the photographer.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HES GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"

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What A Way To Go
A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge heart made
of flowers.
When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes,
the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. Just then one of the mourners
burst into laughter. The guy next to him asked:
"Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral", the man replied.
"Whats so funny about that?"
"Im a gynaecologist."

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CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED

SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do you Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Queens Disoriented Are
DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas
NARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and
Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...
PARANOID: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll
tell you why...
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire...
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
...(better start again)
End

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