Essay #2

by Grigor Dishigrikyan

FILE

143488_GRIGOR_DISHIGRIKYAN_ESSAY__2_2727798_1568725799.PDF
(178.66K)

T IME SUBMIT T ED

05-NOV-2016 12:46PM

WORD COUNT

1445

SUBMISSION ID

732495126

CHARACT ER COUNT

7389

Essay #2
GRADEMARK REPORT
FINAL GRADE

GENERAL COMMENTS

/100

Instructor

PAGE 1

Comment 1
Is this your thesis?

Comment 2
(Hollis 2).
PAGE 2

Comment 3
(Vinjamuri 2).
PAGE 3

Comment 4
I think you stated your thesis earlier, but this to me, is very ref lective of what you are trying to
argue. Consider this f or your thesis when your revise.

Comment 5
did this come f rom a source? If so, cite it.
PAGE 4

Comment 6
Is this your counterargument? Good....but I think you could have developed this even f urther.
From a capitalistic perspective, yes! T hey probably are just trying to get consumers to buy their
products. But make sure to ref ute this so you're not letting your counterargument win. How
could you get a reader to think about your own argument af ter you have just presented this
other side? So what? What's so bad about getting consumers to buy their own products?
Maybe f ind some sources. T his has potential!
PAGE 5

Comment 7
Grigor-

I can tell that you are improving in your writing. I see a lot of improvement f rom your f irst essay
to this one. A couple of things to point out: I think the main problem I saw in this paper was a
lack of f ocus. You spend a lot of time talking about the AT &T advertisement itself f or the f irst
two pages...this is unnecessary. I think you start to get to your main point by the top of page 3.
For your revision, cut out all of these details. Focus more on your main argument. I would have
been curious to know how advertising has evolved. What did it look like just 10 years ago? You
are lacking scholarly sources, so I would encourage you to f ind some in the library database.
Also, go f urther with your counterargument. How can you ref ute the claim that people are just
trying to be diverse in order to sell money? Even if this has capitalist motives, is that bad? T his
essay has a very interesting argument, you just need to develop it more with some of the tips I
mentioned above.
PAGE 6

Comment 8
need scholarly sources and progression 1 readings

Comment 9
be caref ul. T his can be very biased.

Comment 10
Good f or context inf ormation, but not scholarly.