PAST TIME

by

Padraic Duffy

Padraic Duffy
3412 Gardenside Lane
Los Angeles, CA 90039
323.578.4828
padraicduffy@me.com

3/12/09
 CHARACTERS

JAMES Kind and unassuming. Life passed him by quietly. 60's.

DELILAH His wife. She works late at the candle store so she
doesn't have to go home. 60's

LOU His best friend. Tough guy who's obsessed with

painting unicorns. 60's

CHRIS James's grandson. Romantic and clueless. 20's.

MEREDITH Has the dry wit of an apathetic teen. 20's.

SETTING

A modest home and the local mall in a nondescript midwestern suburb

TIME

The present
 1

SCENE 1
Where two old men paint unicorns and contemplate funerals.

(James and Lou sit behind small work

tables in a den. The furniture is comfortably
cozy, but a bit worn- it’s an old house and
not much has changed over the years. On
the tables in front of them are two large
plastic white unicorns and a wide array of
acrylic craft paint. Each man hunkers over a
unicorn, holding small brushes,
concentrating hard as they add small bits of
color. Craft materials are everywhere- they
have been at this for a very long time. Both
men are in their late sixties, and are
bundled up in sweater vests, scarfs and hats-
it’s winter, and gas is a bit too expensive to
have on all the time. While Lou is obsessed
with his unicorn, James is losing interest
just a bit. Unsure as to which color to pick,
James picks up a small thing of paint and
dipping his brush, is about to touch the
mane of his unicorn when Lou suddenly
stops him.)

LOU
What the fuck are you doing?!

JAMES
What do you mean what am I doing- I’m painting my unicorn like you told me
to.

LOU
What color is that?

JAMES
What color is what.

LOU
Don’t get smart with me- the color you’re holding, what is it?

JAMES
Pink.

(Pause.)

LOU
You think that’s pink?
 2

JAMES
Yeah, it’s pink.

LOU
You think that’s fuckin’ pink.

JAMES
That’s what I just said.

LOU
Say it again.

JAMES
What?

LOU
Say it again- I wanna see if you have the balls to say it again.

JAMES
Lou- it’s pink.

LOU
What’s wrong with you?

JAMES
I don’t know what-

LOU
That’s not pink! That’s not even close to pink! Whaddya got- an eye handicap?

JAMES
I don’t got an eye handicap!

LOU
What color is that?!

JAMES
Pink!

LOU
You’re retarded in the fuckin’ eyes, James!

JAMES
No I’m not!

LOU
I am amazed they even let you drive a car.

JAMES
Well, if you’re so fuckin’ smart then what the hell is it?
 3

LOU
Papaya whip.

JAMES
What?

LOU
The name of the color you are holding is papaya whip-

JAMES
-which must be a fancy word for pink.

LOU
It’s miles from pink, James- miles from fuckin’ pink!

JAMES
Fine.

LOU
That’s why they got two different names! Papaya Whip and Pink. Cause they’re
two different fuckin’ colors. Got it? If they were the same color, they’d both be
called pink!

JAMES
Got it. It’s not pink. It’s papaya whip. Great- you learn something new every
day. Now can we get back to the stupid unicorns?

LOU
Now you’re just trying to hurt my feelings.

JAMES
What?

LOU
They ain’t stupid!

JAMES
I didn’t mean-

LOU
They are very intelligent animals!

JAMES
They’re imaginary, Lou!

LOU
That don’t make them dumb!

JAMES
Fine.
 4

LOU
Besides- they’re real to me.

JAMES
I’m sorry.

LOU
Just cause something is imaginary don’t mean it’s not real.

JAMES
You’re right.

LOU
I’m gonna return to painting my unicorn.

JAMES
OK.

LOU
You should too.

JAMES
Alright.

LOU
So then you can finish up and kick me out.

JAMES
I don’t want to kick you out.

LOU
A man could freeze out there standing up, but I’ll be fine...

JAMES
Lou...

LOU
I don’t want to keep you from other, more enjoyable activities. Plenty of things
more fun than hanging out with silly old Lou painting unicorns.

JAMES
Come on Lou.

LOU
Windsurfing...

JAMES
That’s enough.
 5

LOU
Drum circles...

JAMES
I told you, I wanna help.

(Pause. Lou returns to painting his unicorn. James

scans the colors, looking increasingly confused.)

LOU
What’s the matter.

JAMES
So then which one is pink?

(Lou looks around, finds pink and hands it to James,

who then dabs his brush in it and is about to paint the
mane when Lou stops him again.)

LOU
What the hell are you doing now!?

JAMES
I can’t be doing something wrong already.

LOU
That’s not the right color.

JAMES
Whaddya mean- you handed it to me.

LOU
You asked for the pink, I handed you the pink.

JAMES
So then I have the right color!

(He again goes to paint the mane.)

LOU
For the love of god stop!

JAMES
Why? I’m painting the mane pink like I’m supposed to!

LOU
The mane ain’t supposed to be pink!

JAMES
It’s not supposed to be pink?! But you just handed it to me!
 6

LOU
I handed it to you cause you asked for it! I’m a polite guy! That’s who I am!

JAMES
Why didn’t you tell me it’s not supposed to be pink back when I thought the
Papaya Whip was pink?

LOU
I didn’t have a chance- you were too busy being eye retarded!

JAMES
So it’s not supposed to be pink.

LOU
No. That’s a dumb color for a mane.

JAMES
So if it’s not supposed to be pink, what color is the mane supposed to be?

LOU
Peach puff.

JAMES
Peach puff?

LOU
Yes.

JAMES
I don’t even know you any more.

LOU
Put a sock in it.

JAMES
Peach puff and Papaya whip...

LOU
Don’t make fun of the names or I will cut you.

JAMES
They’re just so fru fru...

LOU
What’re you talking about?! They’re manly- Puff! Whip! Those are action verbs!

JAMES
So the mane is peach puff. And the tail?
 7

LOU
The tail ain’t peach puff.

JAMES
Of course. What’s the tail?

LOU
Papaya Whip.

JAMES
Back to Papaya Whip. This is making my head hurt. Anything pink on this
animal or can I throw pink away?

LOU
The eyelashes are pink.

JAMES
Alright. So the mane is peach puff, the tail is papaya whip and the eyelashes are
pink.

LOU
Now ya got it!

JAMES
Why in the world are the mane, tale and eyelashes different colors?

LOU
(full of mystery)
These are wild unicorns.

JAMES
OK.

LOU
They frolic freely in the meadow.

JAMES
Are you having a stroke? What’s that got to do with the colors?

LOU
There are issues of sunlight and shading and perspective and stuff that you
obviously have no idea about!

JAMES
I think the whole damn thing should be pink.

LOU
I am the expert here! I will tell you what colors and where and you paint your
goddamn unicorn those colors!
 8
If I want the unicorn’s balls honeydew, you lather up them balls with honeydew!
If I want his butt cheeks to be a dappled shade of mistyrose- YOU DAPPLE HIS
ASS MISTYROSE!

JAMES
Alright already! I get it!

LOU
Good!

(Quiet. They resume their work on their respective

unicorns. James finds the Peach puff paint, and with
utmost concentration, begins to paint the mane. Lou
notices that James is doing it all wrong, and while it
pains him, he tries not to care. Finally, he can’t take it
anymore.)

LOU
Stop. You have to stop.

JAMES
I have the right color, right?

LOU
Just stop. You hurt me on the inside when you do that.

JAMES
When I do what?

LOU
What type of movement are you making over there James- what are you doing
with your hand there...

JAMES
I am painting the mane. Please don’t get angry.

LOU
You look like your jabbing a stick in a hole. Is that what you’re trying to do?
You trying to jab a stick in a hole?

JAMES
No.

LOU
Good, because that would make no sense. Feathered. The mane is supposed to
look feathered. Now do you think you were making strokes with that brush
there that would make someone think of a feathered mane?

JAMES
Yes?
 9

LOU
(trying to control his anger)
Ok, you know what people will think when they see your unicorn?

JAMES
Hey, that’s a pretty unicorn?

LOU
They will say, hey, look at that unicorn. We should put it down.

JAMES
They will not.

LOU
Yes they will. They will shoot your unicorn in the face to put it out of its misery.

JAMES
because the mane is not feathered-

LOU
-they will shoot it in the face.

JAMES
I don’t think that’s true. I think it looks nice.

LOU
Did you even look at the instructional video I sent you?

JAMES
Yeah.

LOU
OK, did you actually put it in the VCR or did you just stare at the cassette.

JAMES
I popped it in.

LOU
Or the color wheel I made- did you study that?

JAMES
Yes definitely- I looked at that for a while.

LOU
Did you? Did you really? I spent a lot of fuckin’ time coloring in that wheel.

JAMES
I swear- I studied it.
 10

LOU
OK- what color are the hooves supposed to be?

JAMES
Brown.

LOU
Insulting. Insulting and hurtful.

JAMES
What did I do?

LOU
It’s as if you filled an envelope full of fire ants and mailed it to me, and I went to
the mailbox and said, “Oh, here’s a letter from my friend James,” and I opened it
and looked in and fire ants ate my face.

JAMES
Come on...

LOU
BURLYWOOD!

JAMES
Excuse me?

LOU
That’s the color for the hooves! Not fucking brown- Burlywood!

JAMES
Oh.

LOU
And the nostrils? The flair of the nostrils has a distinct color, one that I
specifically wrote down for you on that fuckin’ wheel.

JAMES
Cinnamon sparkle?

LOU
OK, now you’re just making up names. This is disgraceful. People have spent
lots of time and effort coming up with creative names that gently evoke the
spirit and essence of each color and you are making a mockery of their sacrifices
with your cinnamon sparkle.

JAMES
I’m sorry- what color are the nostrils supposed to be? I’m gonna write it down.

LOU
Maybe this isn’t meant to be.
 11

JAMES
Lou, just tell me what the friggin’ nostril color is.

(Pause.)

LOU
Bisque and thistle.

JAMES
Bisque and thistle?

LOU
You just wanna mix those colors up, into a thistly bisque color.

JAMES
Isn’t bisque a kind of soup?

LOU
Yes it is.

JAMES
And thistle-

LOU
-Is a plant. What is this- PBS? Who gives a shit what they mean. Just take the
colors and mix them up.

JAMES
Alright.

LOU
Those two colors make the nostrils pop!

JAMES
OK.

LOU
They make the nostrils flare like they’re full of fuckin’ magic.

JAMES
OK. So let me make sure I got this straight- pink on the eyelashes, feathery
peach puff on the mane, papaya whip on the tail, burlywood all over the hooves,
and then bisque and thistle to subtly highlight the flaring nostrils-

LOU
-So they look like they’re full of fuckin’ magic.

JAMES
So they look like they’re full of magic. Got it.
 12

(James cheerfully begins to paint. Lou watches him.)

LOU
Feather it.

(James tries to follow.)

LOU
Feather it. More feathering. Come on, fucking feather it James...There you go,
like your petting the unicorn...nice little unicorn...there you go...that’s some
good fuckin’ feathering...

JAMES
I’m doing it! I’m feathering the unicorn good.

LOU
You are feathering the shit out of that unicorn!

(They smile at each other. James continues to paint,

with Lou watching.)

LOU
Sorry I yelled at you.

JAMES
We go back a long way, Lou.

LOU
This just means a lot to me, these unicorns. I want them to be so pretty.

JAMES
I know you do.

LOU
These unicorns gotta be special. They gotta piss glitter and shit rainbows, you
know what I mean?

JAMES
Sure I do.

LOU
And we need a lot of them. I need a lot of them in my life right now.

JAMES
You’re doing great Lou.

LOU
I really am sorry I yelled at you.
 13

JAMES
You’re stressed is all- we have a lot of unicorns to get through tonight.

LOU
So many unicorns.

JAMES
And I’m your friend so I’m here to help.

LOU
I really got in over my head with all of these unicorns.

JAMES
We’re gonna get them all done.

(Lou smiles at him. Pause.)

LOU
Can you hand me Wheat?

JAMES
What? Oh, sure...

(James hands him a thing of paint.)

JAMES
What are you painting Wheat?

LOU
Figured I could mix it with Snow for the horn.

JAMES
Those are pretty names for colors. Wheat. Snow. Makes you think of wheat in
the snow.

(They paint.)

JAMES
Have you thought of a name for your kiosk?

LOU
“Unicorns ‘N Things.”

JAMES
Oh- you’re gonna have one of those apostrophe “N” things in the middle...that’s
adorable...

(Lou just gives him a look.)

 14

JAMES
I didn’t know you were gonna sell things other than unicorns.

LOU
Well, there might be some unicorn related gift items.

JAMES
Like what.

LOU
Little saddles.

JAMES
That’s nice.

LOU
Little bridles.

JAMES
Cute.

LOU
Little manure buckets.

JAMES
OK.

(Lou thinks for a moment.)

LOU
Little manure.

JAMES
I don’t think that’ll sell very well.

LOU
It’s just in the prototype stage.

JAMES
Sure.

(Pause.)

LOU
Anyway, that’s not what I really mean by “things.”

JAMES
No?
 15

LOU
I hope that when they buy one of my unicorns, that something else comes with
it. Some happiness maybe, or something... Remember those crayon pictures we
made in school with the round suns with long and short goldenrod rays and
square houses and tall sienna trees and seagreen grass?

JAMES
I remember.

LOU
I want them to think about things like that.

JAMES
They’ll definitely see the love you put into them, for sure.

LOU
That’s exactly the kind of “thing” I’m talking about.

JAMES
Ain’t the worst thing in the world to think about unicorns.

LOU
No, it’s not.

(They paint.)

JAMES
What time does the kiosk open tomorrow?

LOU
The grand opening is at 10 am!

JAMES
You want me and Delilah there? I don’t want to be in the way.

LOU
Well, I expect we’ll be swamped for the first few days, on account of how long
the public has been without a unicorn store and all. I put flyers on every car
down 5th yesterday and took out an ad in the saver. That plus word of mouth
and they should be flying off the shelves!

JAMES
Like Pegasus!

LOU
What?

JAMES
You said they were gonna fly off the shelves- made me think of Pegasus.
 16

LOU
Do you see wings on these fucking things?

JAMES
No.

LOU
That’s because these are unicorns, not Pegasi.

JAMES
Pegasi?

LOU
More than one Pegasus!

JAMES
There’s more than one Pegasus?

LOU
Don’t make me smack you!

JAMES
Sounds like a plan.

(Beat.)

LOU
So, yeah, I’d wait a few days to come check it out.

JAMES
Are you sure?

LOU
You’ll just get in the way if you come tomorrow. Don’t sweat it.

(They work some more.)

JAMES
This is tiring work, I don’t know what gives you all the energy.

LOU
It’s my stubborn love of unicorns.

(James looks around.)

JAMES
At least we’re almost finished. I think these are the last two.

LOU
I got four more bags in the car.
 17

JAMES
Crap.

LOU
Well, we got all night.

JAMES
Delilah will be home soon.

LOU
Is she good with her hands?

JAMES
I think she’ll probably just want to relax.

LOU
Sure.

JAMES
In her den.

LOU
Oh, I see.

JAMES
I’m sorry Lou- I don’t mean to kick you out, I just- hey, we can do a few more.

LOU
No, I totally understand. Thanks for letting me take over your house. You have
so much more space here.

JAMES
My pleasure.

(Pause.)

LOU
Besides, I just gotta get out sometimes.

JAMES
I think this unicorn business is good for you.

(Lou sweetly smiles and nods. They work for a while

in silence.)
 18

JAMES
You know, I went to this memorial last week for this writer guy I kinda knew,
and the lady who gave the eulogy had found all of these quotes about death
from the guy’s novels, and she read them one by one, and they were poignant
and clever you know, given that he was dead and all, but when it came right
down to it, that’s not really what I wanted to hear right then. He was old when
he died, but as I was sitting on the hard oak of that pew bench, listening to that
woman give that eulogy, what I really wanted to hear was that old man speak
about his life as if it was all still laid out before him, to talk about his dreams like
a young man baring his heart to a new love. Forget death- if that guy had
written a novel about unicorns, that’s what I wanted to hear.

LOU
I wrote a novel about unicorns.

JAMES
Of course.

(Pause.)

LOU
Can you pass me the Old Lace?

JAMES
Sure.

(He does. They continue painting. Lights down.)

SCENE 2
Where a young couple on a date drinks large sodas until a tired elderly woman
interrupts them, ready to go home.

(Chris and Meredith sit at a table in a mall

food court. They are both in their mid
twenties, yet there is something a bit
immature about Chris, both in his dress
and demeanor. He is a kind soul, while she
has a bit of a cynical edge to her. They are
on a date, and the date is not going very
well. Two large sodas sit in front of them,
both with large straws poking out of the
top. Soft, unrelenting muzak fills the air,
along with the general hubbub of a food
court crowd. Chris and Meredith sit for a
while, quietly, not knowing what to say.)
 19

CHRIS
This is going really well!

MEREDITH
This is going terribly.

(Pause.)

CHRIS
You are awesome.

MEREDITH
Shut up.

(Pause.)

CHRIS
We are having fun.

MEREDITH
This reminds me of eye surgery.

CHRIS
What do you mean?

MEREDITH
I had eye surgery once, and the anaesthetic wore off during it, and it hurt a
whole lot, and this date reminds me of that.

CHRIS
That’s not good.

MEREDITH
Why did you ask me out again?

CHRIS
I’m your boyfriend.

MEREDITH
No you’re not.

CHRIS
I thought I was.

MEREDITH
Well, you’re not.

CHRIS
But we’ve been on like 8 dates or something.
 20

MEREDITH
I’m not a quitter. I don’t like to quit.

CHRIS
So then be my girlfriend!

MEREDITH
Say that word again and I’ll beat you to death with your own tongue.

CHRIS
I’m sorry.

MEREDITH
I will take your own tongue out of your mouth and beat you with it.

CHRIS
I think I got it.

MEREDITH
Look- you’re a sweet guy Chris, but you have no idea how to date.

CHRIS
I bought you a coke.

MEREDITH
There is more to going on a date than buying a girl a coke.

CHRIS
I have a tie on.

MEREDITH
Which I told you looks nice, but-

CHRIS
I picked flowers out for you.

MEREDITH
You pointed to a section of the flower bed outside the mall and said “those are
yours.”

CHRIS
That reminds me- I gotta buy a trowel...

MEREDITH
Chris-

CHRIS
What?
 21

MEREDITH
Pay attention to what I’m saying.

CHRIS
Sorry- I was thinking about trowels...

MEREDITH
Forget the fuckin’ trowels.

CHRIS
Meredith, the flowers are stuck in the ground.

MEREDITH
Chris- digging up plants outside the Spring Hills Mall is not romantic!

CHRIS
Oh.

(Pause.)

MEREDITH
I feel like I’m in a sensory deprivation chamber.

CHRIS
I was in one of those once!

MEREDITH
Of course you were.

CHRIS
In college. Some big experiment- I made 50 bucks. It was exciting!

MEREDITH
Only you would be excited in a sensory deprivation chamber.

CHRIS
I was in there for 22 hours. It’s awesome. They let you pee in the water!

MEREDITH
I feel like my entrails are being pulled out of my stomach by a bear.

CHRIS
That’s terrible.

MEREDITH
What did I do- did I anger a god?

CHRIS
Come on- this date ain’t that bad.
 22

MEREDITH
It’s not?

CHRIS
No- I think we’re having an alright time.

MEREDITH
What did you do just like ten minutes ago?

CHRIS
What?

MEREDITH
Don’t what me. What did you do?

CHRIS
You mean the puppet show?

MEREDITH
Yes.

CHRIS
I thought you liked the puppet show.

MEREDITH
What did you use as a puppet, Chris?

CHRIS
My sock.

MEREDITH
What else did you use as a puppet?

CHRIS
The salt shaker.

MEREDITH
And what did your sock and the salt shaker do?

CHRIS
They made out.

MEREDITH
And what were their names?

CHRIS
Our names.

MEREDITH
And how do I know that?
 23

CHRIS
They were yelling them.

MEREDITH
I think this must be what Ebola feels like.

CHRIS
I’m trying, Meredith.

MEREDITH
I think you’re trying too hard. Why don’t you just be yourself.

CHRIS
OK.

MEREDITH
What are your dreams? I want to know what your dreams are...

CHRIS
My dreams?

MEREDITH
Yeah.

CHRIS
Um, well...last night I dreamt I was fucking a goat with the face of my old PE
teacher.

MEREDITH
No, I mean what are your dreams for the future.

CHRIS
Flying cars!

MEREDITH
That’s not what I mean. That’s not what I mean at all Chris.

CHRIS
You look so sad.

MEREDITH
Really? I wish I could see my face right now. See what sad looks like. I know
what it feels like from the inside, but on the outside...

(She touches her face with her hands, like a blind

person does to “see” someone’s face.)

MEREDITH
Wow, I really am sad.
 24

CHRIS
You want another coke?

MEREDITH
Maybe I should just go.

CHRIS
I can buy you some flowers. Like ones from a store. I can do that.

MEREDITH
Chris-

CHRIS
I think we should go on another date.

MEREDITH
I think we should stop seeing each other.

CHRIS
I think we should not do what you say and instead do my suggestion.

MEREDITH
Chris- I don’t think we’re compatible!

CHRIS
How do you know?

MEREDITH
I don’t like seeing socks and salt shakers fuck on a table!

CHRIS
They were making love!

MEREDITH
I feel like badgers are clawing at my eyes.

CHRIS
We had fun on our first date, right?

MEREDITH
Yes.

CHRIS
So what happened?

MEREDITH
What happened? Dates 2-7 happened!

CHRIS
What was wrong with those?
 25

MEREDITH
For our second date you took me on a four hour guided tour of freeway
medians!

CHRIS
Some are really pretty...

MEREDITH
For #3 you made me attend and adult bris!

CHRIS
Uncle Lenny was converting and he needed our support!

MEREDITH
#4 you enrolled us in Clown college!

CHRIS
Auditing. We were auditing.

MEREDITH
#5 we went back to the bris.

CHRIS
It’s not my fault it didn’t take!

MEREDITH
And dates 6 and 7 we napped.

CHRIS
Who doesn’t like to nap?!

MEREDITH
And then here we are on date #8.

CHRIS
I know where were going for #9.

MEREDITH
I told you I’m done.

CHRIS
We’re gonna punch things.

MEREDITH
Please don’t explain what you mean.

CHRIS
I have a cousin who owns a foam padding factory. We could go find some foam
and punch it. We could both punch it. The foam.
 26

MEREDITH
I think I might pass out. Watch me, here I go. I’m passing out.

CHRIS
Come on, you might like it! Foam punching! And then we would have that in
common. We would both like punching foam.

MEREDITH
That is ridiculous.

CHRIS
Don’t you think you would like punching foam?

MEREDITH
Only if your name was foam!

CHRIS
And I would bring you cokes and flowers!

MEREDITH
OK. I’m gonna go.

CHRIS
Please don’t!

MEREDITH
I’ll see you around, Chris.

(She gets up to leave.)

CHRIS
I feel like something small inside of me might die if you go!

(She sits back down.)

MEREDITH
Really?

CHRIS
Yeah.

MEREDITH
That’s a sweet thing to say.

CHRIS
Thanks.

MEREDITH
You mean it? A part of you will die?
 27

CHRIS
Yeah. It will totally die.

MEREDITH
That’s nice.

CHRIS
It’s an important part, too.

MEREDITH
You’re finally sharing with me your feelings. That’s really sweet.

CHRIS
That’s the type of guy I wanna be. Sensitive, sweet and full of things that could
die.

MEREDITH
Chris?

CHRIS
Yeah?

MEREDITH
What will die?

CHRIS
Whaddya mean?

MEREDITH
What in you would die if I left?

CHRIS
That thing in me I was just talking about.

MEREDITH
Is it the feelings you have for me, this thing? Or an innocence, maybe?

CHRIS
It’s a thing.

MEREDITH
OK.

CHRIS
and if you leave it dies.

MEREDITH
No, I know. I got that part. What I’m asking is- what is it? I wanna know what
you’re feeling, Chris- talk to me.
 28

CHRIS
Well, it’s a thing. It’s shaped like you.

MEREDITH
OK...

CHRIS
And if you leave, the little version of you inside of me will die.

MEREDITH
There’s a small me trapped inside of you?

CHRIS
I think a dwarf you is trapped in my belly.

MEREDITH
This has suddenly become weird.

CHRIS
I’m scared.

MEREDITH
What is wrong with you?

CHRIS
I gotta midget in me!

MEREDITH
All you had to say was your heart. Your heart would die. And instead you went
with a stomach midget! I’m outta here.

CHRIS
My heart- maybe it is my heart! Don’t go- maybe I’m in love and this is what it
feels like and I just don’t know!

MEREDITH
Look- I know you mean well. And I think you’re a good guy. But you are
completely inept at this.

CHRIS
What do I have to do to make you stay?

(Pause.)

MEREDITH
You would have to be you, but someone else. Sweet Chris would have to be
wrapped up in someone else. Someone more mature. Someone I could talk to.

CHRIS
I wanna be wrapped up in you.
 29

MEREDITH
I know.

(She turns to go.)

CHRIS
I can do that. I could give you a different me.

MEREDITH
We’ve tried.

CHRIS
One more date.

MEREDITH
Chris-

CHRIS
Lucky #9. Come on, give me one more chance. I promise, I’ll be different.

(Pause. Then a woman in her sixties, wearing an

apron that reads “Candles ‘N Stuff” and holding a
large candle, walks over to Chris.)

DELILAH
I’m ready to go home.

(Lights down.)

SCENE 3
Where an old married couple discusses candles and color wheels, and how it
reminds them of growing old.

(James sits on the couch in the den next to

Delilah, the woman with the “Candles ‘N
Stuff” apron. The candle she was holding in
the previous scene is now sitting on the
table in front of them.)

DELILAH
They have this new one that smells like lavender and honey.

JAMES
Hmm.
 30

DELILAH
And they have another one that smells like vanilla and sage.

JAMES
Hmm.

DELILAH
The one that smells like lavender and honey is very large. It’s as big as a goat’s
head. Retails for $49. The one that smells of vanilla and sage is smaller, like a cat’s
head. It retails for $34. But they both smell really nice.

JAMES
Hmm.

(Pause.)

DELILAH
This candle is neither of those candles. This one smells like snow. Isn’t that
weird? They decided snow smells like something.

(He picks up the candle, smells it, then looks at it.)

JAMES
Mint cream.

DELILAH
What? It’s supposed to smell like snow.

(She picks it up and smells it.)

DELILAH
Yeah, I don’t know what the hell you’re talkin’ about- doesn’t smell like mint
cream at all.

JAMES
I’m not talking about the smell. I’m talking about the color- the color is mint
cream.

DELILAH
That’s a color?

JAMES
Lou’s been teaching me colors.

DELILAH
Oh, so now Lou’s a color expert? What, he finally get tired of alpacas?

JAMES
We both knew that was just a phase. Besides, you didn’t complain when we all
got sweaters that one Christmas.
 31

DELILAH
Yes I did. They smelled like dung and had no head holes.

JAMES
At least they were warm.

DELILAH
If a sweater smells like dung, the absolute worst defect it can have is no hole for
your fucking head!

JAMES
That wasn’t your proudest moment.

DELILAH
I was trapped in a dung tent. Anyone would panic.

JAMES
Honey, Lou’s serious this time. He’s got a book where every page is a different
color.

DELILAH
And this is a big book, this color book?

JAMES
Hardcover.

(She thinks about this for a moment.)

DELILAH
So the candle smells like snow, but the color’s mint cream.

JAMES
Yes. The color Snow is a completely different color.

DELILAH
Wait- there’s a color called Snow, but it’s not this color?

JAMES
Yes.

DELILAH
Are you telling me they went to all the trouble of making a candle that smells
like snow but didn’t make it the color of snow?

JAMES
Well, I don’t even know if the color of snow is Snow. The color of snow might
very well be Mint Cream.

DELILAH
Well then what’s the color of mint?
 32

JAMES
Seagreen.

DELILAH
And the color of the sea?

JAMES
Cornflower Blue.

DELILAH
Well I’ll be damned. All the names are mixed up.

JAMES
It seems kind of beautiful to me. It’s like you appreciate it more when it’s named
the wrong thing. The sea’s more beautiful when it’s cornflower blue. Or maybe
you just notice it more. I don’t know.

DELILAH
And Lou taught you all this?

JAMES
When he’s not yelling at me. I think I’m really starting to get it, though. The
subtle differences between Cornsilk and Linen. Orchid and Thistle. Sienna and
Saddlebrown.

DELILAH
And you’re learning all of this painting unicorn figurines?

JAMES
Yep.

DELILAH
Two grown men sittin’ in a den painting unicorns.

JAMES
Yep.

DELILAH
This unicorn is gonna be blue, and this one’s gonna be green- that type of thing?

JAMES
Well, it’s not that simple. There’s all kinds of variables that subtly change what
color you’ll use: What season it is, has it shed its winter coat, is the hair laying
down in a different way from scratching against a wooden post...

DELILAH
You guys have lost it.

JAMES
Delilah...
 33

DELILAH
No one’s gonna buy these things.

JAMES
Ya never know.

DELILAH
Lou’s gonna lose his shirt.

JAMES
Well, I think it’s good for him. He’s been lonely since Jan passed. This keeps his
mind off things, passes the time a little.

DELILAH
Well, it is nice you’re there for him. But I’d love to have my den back at some
point. Right now it looks like a workshop run by gay elves.

JAMES
The kiosk opens tomorrow morning. He needed help getting his inventory
together, but I’m sure as soon as it’s up and running he’ll be out of here.

DELILAH
By the way, you know his kiosk is right outside my store? People will come in
and buy a candle at Candles ‘N Stuff and then walk right out and run smack into-
what’s he calling it?

JAMES
Unicorns ‘N Things.

DELILAH
Unicorns ‘N Things.

JAMES
Yeah.

DELILAH
The nerve of that man. Uses my den to paint his unicorns, and then stabs me in
the back.

JAMES
What’s wrong with “Unicorns ‘N Things?”

DELILAH
You can’t just willy nilly put an apostrophe N in the middle of your name. That’s
stealing. We’ll sue.

JAMES
Who’s we?
 34

DELILAH
Candles ‘N Stuff.

JAMES
You work there part time, Delilah. I didn’t know you felt such ownership.

DELILAH
I am a loyal employee. You hear me talk about my candles. You see me fawn
over them. I love my candles.

JAMES
Well, I hardly think Unicorns ‘N Things is a threat to Candles ‘N Stuff.

DELILAH
Unicorns ‘N Things? What things? I don’t see any “things” around here. I see a
shitpot of unicorns, but not a whole lot of “things.”

JAMES
He’s gonna sell little saddles.

DELILAH
Ridiculous.

JAMES
And little bridles.

DELILAH
Outright pandering.

JAMES
I think he also wants to give people a little happiness. Remind them of fond
memories. Something like that.

DELILAH
At Candles ‘N Stuff we give you a free potpourri satchel.

JAMES
I know.

DELILAH
That should be enough.

JAMES
Sure.

DELILAH
Everyone loves our potpourri satchels. We have received letters.

JAMES
They are very tastefully done.
 35

DELILAH
No one wants a tiny saddle. That’s just stupid.

JAMES
Just give him a little time, Delilah.

DELILAH
Fine. He’ll probably go bankrupt in a week anyway. By the way, I met Chris’
new girlfriend.

JAMES
What’s she like?

DELILAH
A bit sour. In a nice way. Kinda like duck sauce.

JAMES
They’ve gone on quite a few dates.

DELILAH
I don’t know if it’s going all that well. Sensed a bit of tension. But I think he’s
crazy about her. He talks about her like she’s mint cream.

JAMES
The color or the smell?

DELILAH
Like she’s a candle that brightens up the room.

(Pause.)

DELILAH
I’m gonna head off to bed- you alright?

JAMES
I’m fine.

DELILAH
I don’t know how you’re gonna sleep down here with all this crap everywhere.

JAMES
I’ll manage.

(She turns to go, but pauses when he speaks.)

JAMES
You know, Lou has this huge color wheel that you can turn slowly in your hand,
and it goes from color to color, and while each of them has a different name, you
can hardly tell them apart from one color to the next.
 36
It’s crazy- you don’t notice the change, but soon you’re at a completely different
color from where you started. It goes from fire engine red to midnight blue and
you didn’t even notice. I think maybe that’s why we name all those similar
shades such crazy names. Because otherwise it would all just blur together and
pass us by. Makes me think of growing old, that color wheel.

(Pause.)

DELILAH
Good night James.

JAMES
Good night Delilah.

(She exits. He sits for a moment, taking everything in.

He smells the candle once more. Then he quickly
makes his bed- tucking a sheet into the corners of the
couch, fluffing his pillow, and pulling out an old
blanket. He gets in and turns off the light and goes to
sleep.)

SCENE 4
Where the young man asks the old man for a favor.

(Chris and James sit on the couch in the den-

It’s obvious that Chris just woke James up.
While Chris is smiling confidently, James is
a bit unsure.)

CHRIS
So whaddya think?!

JAMES
What do I think? I think it’s four in the morning is what I think.

CHRIS
I’m sorry- I was laying in bed and I couldn’t stop thinking about it and I got
really excited. So what do you think about what I think?!

JAMES
I think your mother must’ve gone on a tuna binge with you in the womb and
you got mercury poisoning or something.

CHRIS
So what you’re saying is you don’t like my idea.
 37

JAMES
I don’t think I quite understand it.

CHRIS
I think it’ll work really well.

JAMES
We could have talked about this in the morning.

CHRIS
But I couldn’t sleep.

JAMES
But I, uh, I could.

CHRIS
You always said to come to you when I need help.

JAMES
Well, yeah. I meant like in the afternoon.

CHRIS
I think I’m having serious feelings about her.

JAMES
Does she have serious feelings for you?

CHRIS
She said going on a date with me was like eye surgery.

JAMES
That’s definitely a serious feeling.

CHRIS
That’s not a good sign, right? People don’t like eye surgery.

JAMES
Yes, in general, people don’t enjoy eye surgery.

CHRIS
Damn. I thought maybe she meant it in a good way, like she couldn’t see before,
and then dating me was like her eyes had healed.

JAMES
I think she meant that dating you was like a knife in the eye.

CHRIS
But in a bad way.
 38

JAMES
That can only be in a bad way, Chris. A knife in the eye is always bad.

CHRIS
And you don’t mean it’s like a bad knife, like it’s blunt or something...

JAMES
Chris-

CHRIS
Rejection’s hard.

JAMES
I know.

CHRIS
This reminds me of that interview I had at McDonald’s.

JAMES
Where they turned off all the lights and hid?

CHRIS
I knew they weren’t closed. It was just so hurtful. I remember I just stood there
in the dark by myself and cried.

JAMES
Well, technically you weren’t by yourself- a dozen people were in the room with
you hiding.

CHRIS
That’s true. So at least I wasn’t alone. I don’t know what I’m going to do,
grandpa. Being with her is like eye surgery for me, but in the good way. The
whole world looks different when I’m with her- it bright, it’s colorful, it’s in 3D!

JAMES
Everything is always in 3D- you see things in 3D.

CHRIS
I know- isn’t she wonderful?

(Pause.)

JAMES
Well, your Grandma said some nice things about her.

CHRIS
Grandma just wants me to move in with a girl so she can turn my room back
into a candle making workshop.
 39

JAMES
This house has seen a lot of tallow.

CHRIS
I don’t think she really cares about me.

JAMES
Chris, she wants you to be happy. She just wants you to be happy very far away
from us.

CHRIS
Is that true?

JAMES
I’m just teasing- she loves you very much and you know that.

CHRIS
On the drive back from the mall she started lecturing Meredith on wick
technology. I need to get my own car.

JAMES
Usually when people give you a car, they expect money.

CHRIS
This world is crazy.

JAMES
Can I bring up something that might be a little awkward?

CHRIS
The tutu?

JAMES
What?

CHRIS
Nothing.

JAMES
What I was gonna say was, maybe this thing between you and this girl just isn’t
meant to be.

CHRIS
But it is.

JAMES
Well maybe it isn’t.

CHRIS
But it is.
 40

JAMES
Chris, some of the best things that ever happened in my life are the things I
couldn’t make happen.

CHRIS
Like what?

JAMES
Remember when I was up for that sales position with that Stripper pole
company?

CHRIS
Yeah.

JAMES
God, I wanted that job.

CHRIS
And now you’re happy you didn’t get it?

(Pause.)

JAMES
Yeah.

CHRIS
I get what you’re saying. But I can just see us getting old together. I wanna pick
out paint with her and go to the post office.

JAMES
Why do you want to paint a post office?

CHRIS
No, I mean, I wanna do with her all those boring things that fill up your life.
Errands, dishes, brushing your teeth together over a single sink, watching TV,
adjusting the reading light so that it doesn’t wake her, scrabble, going to the
mall, going to the beach, going to the dry cleaners, going to the place where
they recycle your cans, going to-

JAMES
I get it. So why don’t you just tell her how you feel?

CHRIS
I try. It just doesn’t come out right.

JAMES
Well how does it come out?

CHRIS
I told her I had a midget dying in my stomach.
 41

JAMES
That’s terrible.

CHRIS
I know.

JAMES
Why would you say that?

CHRIS
I was trying to be romantic.

JAMES
You’re never moving out.

CHRIS
I know. It’s hopeless.

JAMES
So you’ve said some weird things. Have you at least had fun on your dates?
Where have you taken her?

CHRIS
I took her to Uncle Lenny’s bris.

JAMES
Oh God, Chris. That was not a pretty ceremony. Your mom’s side of the family
are bleeders.

CHRIS
It’s terrible. I don’t know what I’m doing. That’s where you come in.

JAMES
I still don’t get your plan.

CHRIS
She’s agreed to go on one more date with me. It’s my last chance to impress her.

JAMES
So...

CHRIS
So you are gonna go on that date.

JAMES
I am not going on a date with your girlfriend.

CHRIS
Don’t say that word. She doesn’t respond well to that word.
 42

JAMES
I am not going to go on a date with her, Chris. It’s preposterous.

CHRIS
Come on! It’s the best idea I’ve ever had.

JAMES
I wouldn’t advertise that.

CHRIS
Ya gotta help me out with this.

JAMES
OK. Fine, let’s say I do. I go on the date. Why would me going on a date with
her make her like you more.

CHRIS
Aha!

JAMES
Aha what?

CHRIS
Cause “you” aren’t going.

JAMES
You just said I was.

CHRIS
Chris is going.

JAMES
That’s you.

CHRIS
I know.

JAMES
You’re on drugs.

CHRIS
It’s not drugs Grandpa- it’s theater!

JAMES
Oh my god you’re on tons of drugs.

CHRIS
You will play the role of “Chris.” You will make Chris say the right things. You
will make Chris a better man. And do you know why that will make her like
me?
 43

JAMES
I have no idea.

CHRIS
I’m Chris.

JAMES
Did your brain go on strike? What are you talking about? She’s not gonna be
fooled. She’s not going to think I am you.

CHRIS
Suspension of disbelief. I learned about it in that theater class I took at the rec
center.

JAMES
I thought you took water aerobics.

CHRIS
Interpretive water aerobics.

JAMES
How are you not gay.

CHRIS
The teacher had been a renowned New York actor until the tragic accident...her
legs, um, they uh, they went...let’s just say she had to be in the water all the time.
Well, she taught me about the dramatic arts. You know, you can get killed by a
cardboard sword. You can have stars hanging from a fishing line. You can even
have a little asian lady play Hamlet. People will buy it. People are still gonna be
moved. They’re still gonna cry. They know the Prince of Denmark probably
wasn’t a little asian lady. But they cry anyway.

JAMES
Relationships ain’t theater.

CHRIS
Sure they are. They’re the biggest suspension of disbelief I can think of. How
else are you ever gonna believe someone loves you as much as you love them?

JAMES
If you talked like that with her, she’d be yours.

CHRIS
I guess I get nervous.

JAMES
So you think if I say the right things to her, she’ll like you more?

CHRIS
That’s the plan!
 44

JAMES
I’m not some magic wordsmith. I don’t know what I can say that you can’t.

CHRIS
You got Grandma.

JAMES
That was a long time ago.

CHRIS
Well, what words did you use to get her to love you?

JAMES
Words I don’t use anymore.

CHRIS
Come on- what was the first thing you ever said to her?

(Pause. James thinks, and then remembering

something, he smiles.)

JAMES
Hello Delilah.

CHRIS
Awesome.

JAMES
All I said was Hello.

CHRIS
Yeah. But there were a lot of colors in there.

(Lights down.)

SCENE 5
The other old man waits for customers, but none show up.

(Lou is at the mall in front of his kiosk. He

holds a brightly colored unicorn, and
expectantly scans the crowd. There are a lot
of people at the mall, but no one
approaches him.)
 45

LOU
Get yer unicorns here! Tons of brand spanking new magical unicorns ready to
be boxed up and brought home! Unicorns full of magic and love and laughter
and memories and hugs and summer swims and promises and all that good
stuff! And never fear- All these unicorns come with the Unicorns ‘N Things
money back guarantee! Each magical unicorn is certified to be sparkly, full of joy
and safe for the entire family- even Fido! And that’s not all! With each purchase
of a brightly colored magical unicorn, we throw in a little tiny saddle for free!
What more could you ask for?! Happy silly unicorns equipped with little tiny
saddles! Unicorns ‘N Things is your one stop shopping for all your unicorn
needs!

(But no one is stopping. He is losing steam, but

soldiers on.)

LOU
Why would you want a unicorn, you might ask? Why is a magical brightly
colored unicorn a necessary addition to the modern home? Well, it’s because,
look at them.

(He looks at his unicorn.)

LOU
Look how pretty it is- the light steel blue in the eyes, the papaya whip and peach
puff mane and tail, the firebrick and plum streaks in its coat. It’s beautiful...it
makes me happy...makes me think about things...Get your brightly colored
magical unicorns right here! Get’em while they’re hot! And I mean hot as in
popular, not temperature wise. I would not be a responsible businessman if I
was selling unicorns that could scald you, now would I?! These are room
temperature unicorns that are selling like hot cakes! And don’t forget the tiny
little cute saddles-!

(Delilah walks on, in her Candles ‘N Stuff apron.)

LOU
Oh, Hey Delilah.

DELILAH
Management has asked me to ask you to stop yelling in front of our store.

LOU
Sorry- I’m just trying to sell my unicorns.

DELILAH
Kiosk attendants are not allowed to yell. It’s in the pamphlet. Did you read your
kiosk operators’ pamphlet?

LOU
I read it cover to cover.
 46

DELILAH
Well it’s in the pamphlet. You’re not allowed to yell.

LOU
I guess I’m just excited. I’ll try to keep it down.

DELILAH
How’s it going?

LOU
Oh, wow, yeah- I don’t even know how to describe it. Great. Really great.

DELILAH
I don’t see anyone here.

LOU
Lull. A lull. But before, oh my lord, before...like they were looters, bunch of
crazy looters trying to get at my unicorns...

DELILAH
Congratulations, Lou. I’m happy for you.

LOU
Really?

DELILAH
I didn’t think it was gonna pan out. I mean, no offense. I just didn’t think people
would want to buy a bunch of gay horses. But you stuck it out. I was wrong.

LOU
Hey, thanks for letting me take over your den. I know that must have been an
inconvenience for you.

DELILAH
Oh, don’t worry about it.

LOU
You and James have always been there for me, even when things have gotten a
little tough. I appreciate it.

DELILAH
Don’t get mushy on me.

LOU
I won’t.

DELILAH
You’ve been hanging around these sappy unicorns too much.
 47

LOU
Well, all I’m saying is if you ever need me to do anything for you, I’m there.

DELILAH
Well...

LOU
What?

DELILAH
Change the name of your store.

LOU
Unicorns ‘N Things?

DELILAH
I think it’s misleading.

LOU
But I sell unicorns and things.

DELILAH
Yeah, well we sell candles and stuff.

LOU
I don’t see a conflict.

DELILAH
Don’t play games with me.

LOU
I’m not- I don’t get what you’re talking about.

DELILAH
We have an apostrophe N in our name. And now you have one in yours.

LOU
So...

DELILAH
So we have worked tirelessly to build our brand- Candles ‘N Stuff stands for
quality, and service, and candles....and stuff, and now you happy-come-lately are
trying to piggyback on it!

LOU
I swear I’m not at all- I just picked it because it seemed truthful, cause I’m selling
unicorns and things.
 48

DELILAH
Oh, I’ve heard about your ‘things’. Miniature saddles? Seems a bit fraudulent to
me. Sure they’ll fit the unicorn- but what about the customer?!

LOU
There not really supposed to fit-

DELILAH
You’ll have little girls everywhere inadvertently crushing their unicorns. Their
only crime- wanting to go for a horsey ride. And yet their unicorn will die. You
want that blood on your hands?!

LOU
What blood?

DELILAH
Unicorn blood. Nothing more tragic than the blood of a unicorn.

LOU
There’s no blood in these.

DELILAH
I’m speaking metaphorically of course.

LOU
Delilah, I’ve printed up my business cards, and I made my sign and I just can’t go
change the name.

DELILAH
And then to add insult to injury, you choose the kiosk right in front of our store.

LOU
They assign you your kiosk. To tell you the truth, I wanted to be in front of that
store where you build your own teddy bears.

DELILAH
Bears ‘N Items? They don’t have half the foot traffic we have. What happened to
the guy who was in this kiosk before you anyway? He was a nice man.

LOU
You mean the guy who sold tie dye eyeglass cords?

DELILAH
Yeah.

LOU
He went out of business.

DELILAH
Why?
 49

LOU
Nobody wanted tie dye eyeglass cords.

DELILAH
Well, I only came out to warn you that you could get sued. I just worry about
you is all. I’d hate to see you get crushed by the Candles ‘N Stuff corporate
machine.

LOU
Thanks Delilah.

DELILAH
I guess I should be getting back to work.

LOU
I’ll think the name over.

DELILAH
Alright.

LOU
I appreciate you coming to talk to me.

DELILAH
My pleasure. And if I see one candle in the shape of a unicorn...

LOU
I have no plans for unicorn shaped candles.

(She turns to go, but then has a thought.)

DELILAH
You know, Jan would be really proud of you.

LOU
You think?

DELILAH
Yeah- she knows you’d never give up.

(She smiles warmly at him and exits. He looks

around, and then down at his unicorn. Lights slowly
down.)
 50
SCENE 6
The old man pretends to be his grandson on a date with the young woman.

(James and Meredith are sitting at the same

table at the mall where Chris and Meredith
had been earlier. The scene should feel like
an exact repeat- same cokes in front of
them, same oppressive music wafting
through the air.)

MEREDITH
This is weird.

JAMES
Very weird.

MEREDITH
It’s like a bucket of weird was poured on our heads!

JAMES
That was weird.

MEREDITH
Sorry. I don’t really know how I’m supposed to act.

JAMES
Well at least you get to be yourself.

MEREDITH
Being yourself is hard. At least you get to be someone else.

JAMES
I’m not an actor- I don’t know how to do this.

MEREDITH
I was in a school play once. I played a rainbow. Had to wear shoes that looked
like a pot. It was embarrassing. Theater sucks.

JAMES
Look- I know this is silly. I know that you know this is silly. Frankly I just
wanted to meet you, see who this girl was my grandson’s so crazy about.

MEREDITH
Here I am. I don’t even know why he’s crazy about me. I’m not crazy about me.

JAMES
He’s always been like that. He’s a good kid.

MEREDITH
I know he’s a good kid.
 51

JAMES
He’s always been able to see people’s true colors, you know?

MEREDITH
What does that even mean, “true colors?” When I hear that phrase all I think of
is Cyndi Lauper and how I wanna put a bark collar on her.

JAMES
You don’t know what your true colors are?

MEREDITH
No. Why should I? Is that something people know?

JAMES
Take a guess what yours are.

MEREDITH
Uh, I don’t know- Puce and something uglier than puce.

JAMES
Puce is not an ugly color.

MEREDITH
Sounds ugly. Puce. Puce. Puce. Makes my mouth look continental. Puce.

JAMES
Well it is a French word. Means flea.

MEREDITH
Of course it does.

JAMES
What about Thulian Pink? Is that any better?

MEREDITH
That sounds regal. Does it mean puce?

JAMES
Pretty close. There’s also brick, blush, wine...

MEREDITH
Those all mean puce?

JAMES
No, they’re all a little different.

MEREDITH
Who ever came up with all those color names sure was creative. Hey look at that
brick- what color is that. It’s brick! It’s a brick brick. And that sure is some wine
wine...
 52

JAMES
I think for the first person who pointed at the red in a brick and called it brick, it
perfectly matched. And then instantly, the two bricks began to slowly drift away
from each other. Names are a lot like fleas, when you think about it. They latch
on to something, and then it walks away.

MEREDITH
Puce.

(They think about it.)

MEREDITH
So what color do you think I am?

JAMES
“Meredith.”

(They share a warm smile.)

JAMES
He really likes you.

MEREDITH
I know. I like him too. He can be a real sweetheart sometimes. Other times I
wanna kick him in the dick.

JAMES
Wow.

MEREDITH
I would like to apologize for that. I really want to talk like a lady. But I also really
want to kick him in the dick.

JAMES
Is he really that bad of a date?

MEREDITH
He wanted to take me to a foam padding factory.

JAMES
To do what?

MEREDITH
Punch foam.

(He thinks about it.)

JAMES
I’d kick him in the dick.
 53

MEREDITH
I know, right?

JAMES
Well, I guess the fact that he keeps trying is evidence that he cares.

MEREDITH
I think it’s evidence that he was smacked in the head with a wooden board.

(Pause. They sip their cokes.)

MEREDITH
You know, this always happens to me.

JAMES
You go on a date with an old guy pretending to be his grandson?

MEREDITH
No. I mean dumping Chris. I go through guys like a bat to a row of mailboxes.

JAMES
That’s a shame. You seem like a nice young woman.

MEREDITH
I think I am. That’s the Meredith I wanna be. But sometimes I feel like it’s hard to
be that Meredith. That I’m just pretending. Like all my clothes are costumes, you
know?

JAMES
You deserve to be in love.

MEREDITH
You think so?

JAMES
Why not try to work things out with him?

(She thinks for a moment.)

MEREDITH
Cause every time I’m with him I wanna punch him in the dick.

JAMES
Fair enough.

(They return to their cokes for a second.)

MEREDITH
Can I ask you a question?
 54

JAMES
Sure.

MEREDITH
What happened to his parents?

(He struggles with how to put it.)

JAMES
My son has a sense of adventure that sometimes’s hard on those around him.

MEREDITH
And his Mom?

JAMES
An equally developed sense of loyalty.

MEREDITH
When did they leave?

JAMES
Years ago. Chris was nine or so.

MEREDITH
And since then it’s just been you and Delilah?

JAMES
Yep.

MEREDITH
And now he’s 26 and still living at home.

JAMES
Yep.

(Pause.)

JAMES
You sure you don’t want to be his girlfriend?

MEREDITH
I hate that word.

JAMES
Sorry.

MEREDITH
It’s like digging a hole for a mailbox post, that word.
 55

JAMES
I understand. I’ve been through a lot of heartache myself. But Meredith, when it
comes down to it, no matter how much hurt you might get in the end, isn’t it
nice getting mail?

(Pause.)

MEREDITH
Alright.

JAMES
What?

MEREDITH
Let’s try.

JAMES
Try what?

MEREDITH
The playacting. Let’s just try it.

JAMES
I just told him I would show up.

MEREDITH
If you’re sad about stuff, sometimes it’s easier to talk to someone you’ve just
met. Besides, it might be fun.

JAMES
There’s gotta be better things you can do with your time than to sit around and
talk to an old man.

MEREDITH
You obviously think being young is more fun that it is.

(Pause.)

JAMES
So I’m Chris.

MEREDITH
Yep.

(Pause.)

JAMES
I don’t know where to begin.
 56

MEREDITH
Just be yourself.

(Pause.)

JAMES
Your hair is a beautiful shade of saddle brown.

MEREDITH
Thank you, Chris.

(They smile at each other. Lights down.)

SCENE 7
Where the two old men paint unicorns, and the young man realizes he’s falling
in love.

(Lou and James are at their tables, each in

the middle of painting a unicorn. Lou is
working feverishly, his face squinched up
in angry determination. James works at a
much more leisurely pace, concerned for
his friend.)

LOU
Paint! Paint like the Goddamn wind!

JAMES
Maybe you should slow it down a little bit Lou...

LOU
I’ll slow it down when I’m feeding the worms in a big pine box! Until then- we
gotta paint like the motherfuckin’ wind!

JAMES
I guess they sold well, huh.

LOU
It was like the state of nature. Grown men wept. Women attacked each other
with red lacquered devil nails. Babies punched each other. I ain’t gonna mince
words, James- the rule of law took a hit today. Now pass me the burnt sienna
and pumpkin stat- we gotta a lot more of these fuckers to crank out!

(James finds the colors and passes them to Lou.)

 57

JAMES
We do have a lot of unicorns to get through- we should probably pace
ourselves.

LOU
I am in the midst of a creative maelstrom!

JAMES
A maelstrom?

LOU
An explosion of artistic unicorn expression!

JAMES
Ok.

LOU
Stand back! I cannot be held responsible for my creative actions! I do not want
you to get hurt!

JAMES
Aren’t we supposed to be using the color wheel?

LOU
Fuck the wheel!

JAMES
So the tail doesn’t have to be papaya whip?

LOU
Fuck the papaya whip!

JAMES
And the mane doesn’t have to be peach puff?

LOU
Stick the color wheel up your ass! Burn the instructional video! Color whatever
you want whatever color you want! What we need now is to think outside the
box! I just need to make more of these- we can’t give up! Even if we don’t sell a
single one, we just can’t give up!

JAMES
I thought you said they sold well.

LOU
They did, I just...well, James-

JAMES
My name isn’t James.
 58

LOU
What?

JAMES
It’s not James.

LOU
What the hell are you talking about? I’ve been calling you James for forty
fucking years...

JAMES
My name’s Chris.

LOU
Are you fucking with me?

JAMES
No- My name’s Chris.

LOU
That’s your grandson’s name.

JAMES
I don’t have a grandson.

LOU
What the hell are you talking about?! You’re James!

JAMES
James is my grandfather.

LOU
What is this- a fucking 80’s film? You guys get hit by lightning and switch bodies
or something?

JAMES
Not exactly.

LOU
Alright- prove to me you’re Chris. I don’t believe you.

JAMES
Facebook.

LOU
Buttmovie.

JAMES
What the hell is a butt movie?
 59

LOU
What the hell is a facebook?!

JAMES
I don’t know- I thought it was something the kids say!

LOU
This is unbelievable. What are you trying to pull?

JAMES
I’m Chris!

LOU
So you want me to believe that you have taken over your grandfather’s body.

JAMES
In a sense, yeah...

LOU
Alright, fine. I’ll go there! Makes no sense, but what the fuck!
(yelling at James’s body)
Get out of my friend! Get the fuck out!

(Chris walks in. They don’t notice him at first.)

LOU
Get out of your grandfather’s body! This is completely unacceptable! You are
very much in trouble! GET OUT!

CHRIS
Hey guys.

LOU
(to James)
You are a liar!

CHRIS
Why are you calling him a liar?

LOU
He said that he was you!

CHRIS
He did?

LOU
(to Chris)
Unless wait- are you him?
 60

CHRIS
I’m Chris.

LOU
(to James)
Liar!

CHRIS
(to James)
Wait- you’re playing Chris right now?

JAMES
Yes.

CHRIS
So then it went well!

LOU
What went well?

JAMES
It was really awkward at first, but we kinda got into it. It was fun. I like acting.

LOU
Who’s acting? What were you acting?!

CHRIS
Grandpa is acting.

LOU
Which one of you is Grandpa?

(They don’t quite know how to answer.)

LOU
Where did Grandpa go? Is he gone? I’m scared.

CHRIS
Acting is awesome.

JAMES
You should try it.

CHRIS
Maybe I will.

LOU
How can there be two Chris’s and no James!? Have I started drinking again?
 61

CHRIS
Does she like me?

JAMES
Yeah- I think she does.

CHRIS
Do you like her? I mean do I like her? I mean, do you like her when you’re me.

LOU
My brain is gonna explode.

JAMES
She’s a sweet girl.

CHRIS
I know- isn’t she? I didn’t sound too full of myself, did I?

JAMES
You were actually quite charming.

CHRIS
Thanks, Chris.

JAMES
You’re welcome Chris.

LOU
You are both strange voodoo magicians and I’m gonna call 911.

CHRIS
Lou- I wasn’t being a good Chris and so I asked Grandpa to be one for me.

LOU
So this is all pretend?

CHRIS
I guess you can say that.

LOU
You guys aren’t voodoo magicians?

CHRIS
No.

JAMES
I knew you weren’t voodoo magicians. You were just in character.

JAMES
Right.
 62

LOU
Fuckin’ acting. Almost gave me a coronary.

CHRIS
This girl I was seeing dumped me cause I wasn’t mature enough. So I just found
someone mature to be me.

LOU
You sent your grandpa out on a date with your girlfriend?

JAMES & CHRIS

Don’t say girlfriend.

LOU
This is weird. You guys are weird.

CHRIS
Am I gonna see her again?

(James looks at his watch.)

JAMES
Oh shit- like in an hour. I’m glad you reminded me. I got so caught up in the
unicorn whirlwind-

LOU
Maelstrom.

JAMES
-Maelstrom, that it totally slipped my mind. She called- wanted to see me again
right away.

CHRIS
Really? That’s awesome- she must really love me!

(He gets up to go.)

LOU
You can’t leave your unicorn station!

JAMES
Lou- I can’t very well stand her up.

LOU
I need help finishing these unicorns. You said you would help.

CHRIS
I can do it.
 63

LOU
Only James can help. I trained James.

CHRIS
But I can do it. And I can do it, cause I’m James.

(James and Chris share a smile, and then James exits.

Chris sits down and starts painting. Lou returns to
painting as well, but warily watches Chris.)

LOU
So you know what you’re doing?

CHRIS
Yeah. I think I got it.

LOU
That’s pretty good- you got some nice brush strokes.

CHRIS
Thanks.

LOU
Am I supposed to call you James now cause you’re playing the role of James?

CHRIS
That’d be nice. I feel like James.

LOU
Do I have to pretend you’re James?

CHRIS
You can.

LOU
Alright. You’re James. Can I still be Lou?

CHRIS
Of course.

LOU
I like being Lou. There’s been bad parts, but there’s also been good parts. My
wife, my wife was a good part of being Lou.

(Lou watches him some more.)

LOU
You might want to mix a little rose into that chestnut, brighten it up...

(Pause.)
 64

LOU
It’s weird, but I feel like I can talk to you just like I can talk to James.

CHRIS
We’re best friends.

LOU
Say something James would say.

CHRIS
Phonograph.

LOU
Phonograph?

CHRIS
Flapper!

LOU
How old do you think we are?

CHRIS
Sorry.

(They work a bit more.)

CHRIS
I’ve always looked up to you, Lou.

LOU
Are you saying that as Chris or James?

CHRIS
I don’t know. It’s hard to keep them apart.

LOU
Well, whoever said it, I appreciate it.

(Pause.)

LOU
This whole playing characters thing- is this something Delilah should know
about?

CHRIS
Don’t worry about it. It’s totally innocent. It’s just Chris falling in love.

(Lights down.)
 65

SCENE 8
Where the young woman kisses the old man, and his wife sees.

(James and Meredith at the same food

court table at the mall. Two coffees sit on
the table in front of them. Meredith seems
a bit nervous.)

MEREDITH
So...

JAMES
So...

MEREDITH
So...what are we- supervisors at a sweat shop?! Sew! Sew! Keep sewing....you
better keep sewing....

(She quickly runs out of steam.)

MEREDITH
It’s good to see you again, Chris.

JAMES
It’s good to see you too. Can I ask, uh, was there something you wanted to talk
to me about?

MEREDITH
Not in particular.

JAMES
So then why did you want to seem me so soon?

MEREDITH
I don’t know. I just had a fun time talking to you is all.

JAMES
I’m not really sure where we go from here.

MEREDITH
What do people usually do on a date?

JAMES
This isn’t a date.

MEREDITH
That’s right. I got confused for a second. Acting’s hard.
 66

JAMES
Tell me about it. I’ve been Chris all day and I’m exhausted.

MEREDITH
I’ve been Meredith for 24 years and I need a nap big time. Hey, what color’s my
shirt?

JAMES
Alice blue maybe.

MEREDITH
I love it when colors are real names. Alice Blue...You said I was the color
Meredith. Is that like a blue too?

JAMES
I’m not sure.

MEREDITH
What color’s my eyes?

JAMES
Maybe it’s time you and Chris tried going on another date...

MEREDITH
What color are my eyes, Chris...

JAMES
Ochre, a bit of Persian red. Some Lace.

MEREDITH
God, you’re like a mirror I can see myself in.

JAMES
Look, it’s great to see you again, but-

MEREDITH
You remember where we first met?

JAMES
Am I still Chris?

MEREDITH
You’re still Chris.

JAMES
Then I’m pretty sure I don’t remember.

MEREDITH
Could you try to?
 67

JAMES
But I have no idea...

MEREDITH
Please?

JAMES
Alright. Was it at the X games?

MEREDITH
Shut up.

JAMES
At a bar?

MEREDITH
Absolutely not.

JAMES
A supermarket?

MEREDITH
Please Chris, try to remember. We count it as our first date. It was special.
Where were we?

(James thinks for a moment. Then something seems

to come over him.)

JAMES
At a museum.

MEREDITH
Yes.

JAMES
At the modern art museum.

MEREDITH
Yes.

JAMES
You were standing in front of a large abstract painting, vibrant colors splashed in
messy arcs across a grey slab. Goldenrod and sky blue and a shade of saddle
brown that matched your tightly braided hair. And I walked up to you and
gently took your hand.

(Meredith is visibly moved.)

MEREDITH
Did he tell you?
 68

JAMES
Tell me what?

MEREDITH
How did you know?

JAMES
I was there. I remember.

MEREDITH
Do you remember what happened next?

JAMES
I said I knew of this small out of the way koi pond where we could sit by
ourselves and, with my hand still in yours, I led you down this long corridor to a
pair of dusty french windows that opened out onto a small courtyard with a
kidney shaped pond in the middle. The surface reflected a rose tinged silver in
the evening light. It was beautiful and we stared into the pool, and we could see
our faces in the reflection.

MEREDITH
Yes.

JAMES
And as we stared into the pond, after a long silence, I whispered, “This is it.”

MEREDITH
This is it. I didn’t know if you meant “this is it” as in “here’s the pond,” or if you
meant “this is it” as in you and me.

JAMES
I wasn’t talking about the pond.

MEREDITH
How do you know these details? Chris and I were the only two people there.

JAMES
I’m Chris.

MEREDITH
Chris?

JAMES
Yes?

MEREDITH
I love you.

(She kisses him on the cheek, slowly and gently, as

Delilah walks in and sees them. Lights slowly down.)
 69

SCENE 9
Where the old woman and the young woman make a deal.

(Delilah and Meredith, both a bit tense, are

sitting on the couch in the den.)

DELILAH
My store, the store where I work, is filled with candles. Every shelf. A hundred
different smells, a hundred different colors. and not a single one lit.

MEREDITH
Let me explain.

DELILAH
I sit in that store for hours on end and never put a match to any of them, even
when the sun is setting and the mall is quieting and the other stores are closing
up.

MEREDITH
I think it’s a misunderstanding really...

DELILAH
Let me finish.

MEREDITH
I’m sorry.

DELILAH
The light switch in the store is at the counter, and so when I close up I have to
turn off the light and then fumble my way in the pitch black to the front door.
Can you believe it? A goddamn candle shop, and I can’t see a thing. Well,
tomorrow I’m gonna light up every one of them fucking candles.

MEREDITH
We were pretending. James was pretending. It was an acting exercise really.

DELILAH
You weren’t pretending.

MEREDITH
Come on- he’s like 40 years older than me. I just kissed him on the cheek.

DELILAH
Do you love him?
 70

MEREDITH
Who?

DELILAH
My husband.

MEREDITH
I love Chris.

DELILAH
Do you know which is which?

(Pause.)

MEREDITH
No. I don’t think I do.

DELILAH
Things are fine between us.

MEREDITH
Between you and James? I didn’t say they weren’t.

DELILAH
The way he looked at you was the way he looked at me when I looked like you.

MEREDITH
That’s not true. I know he loves you.

DELILAH
Did he say that? He didn’t say that.

MEREDITH
He said you make him sleep on the couch.

(Pause.)

DELILAH
That’s one way to look at it.

MEREDITH
What’s another way?

DELILAH
He makes me sleep in the bed.

MEREDITH
You have a sad face right now. Feel it. Feel your face.

(Delilah feels her face.)

 71

DELILAH
You’re right. I am sad. I don’t want to be this sad.

MEREDITH
No one says you have to be.

DELILAH
They don’t, do they.

MEREDITH
No, they don’t.

DELILAH
Sometimes I forget that.

MEREDITH
Why do you work at the candle store?

DELILAH
I have a white-hot passion for candles.

MEREDITH
It’s not just to get out of the house?

(No answer.)

MEREDITH
James wants to spend more time with you.

DELILAH
He did not say that.

MEREDITH
He misses you when you’re at work.

DELILAH
Shut up.

MEREDITH
He totally said that.

DELILAH
He did not. Don’t lie.

MEREDITH
I’m not lying. He said that.

DELILAH
He did not.
 72

MEREDITH
He did too.

DELILAH
He did not say that.

MEREDITH
He totally did.

DELILAH
You take that back.

MEREDITH
No take backs!

(Pause.)

DELILAH
What did he look like when he said it?

MEREDITH
I don’t understand.

DELILAH
What did his face look like?

(Pause.)

MEREDITH
Like a roomful of candles.

DELILAH
James and I met at a museum. The Modern art one downtown. As we both
stared at a painting, he took my hand. Can you believe that? A total stranger
grabbing your hand like that? Shoulda smacked him in the head. But for some
reason I didn’t, and he led me to this kidney-shaped pond and we watched the
light fade in it. His face glowed that night the same way. Like a roomful of
candles. You ever been to that museum?

MEREDITH
Yeah.

(Pause.)

MEREDITH
We can fix this.

DELILAH
I don’t know. The dust settled on this long ago.
 73

MEREDITH
You could talk to James. Work it out.

DELILAH
God, you’re young. I wish I was you.

(Meredith smiles. Lights down.)

SCENE 10
Where the two couples remember how to be themselves.

(Lights up on James as the Mall food court,

sipping a coke. After a moment Delilah
enters, looking nice, as if on a date. James is
surprised.)

JAMES
Delilah- I wasn’t expecting you, I-

DELILAH
Delilah? Who the hell’s Delilah?

JAMES
What are you doing?

DELILAH
My name’s Meredith. Not Delilah.

JAMES
Oh, I don’t think- you really don’t have to- I’m not sure-

DELILAH
Don’t go all stupid on me. I just wanted to see you.

JAMES
Did you talk to Meredith?

DELILAH
I am Meredith.

JAMES
I just came here today to tell her it was inappropriate for us to see each other
any more- not that we were seeing each other- It’s hard to explain. You know
about acting?

DELILAH
What am I doing right now?
 74

JAMES
Oh. You’re acting right now?

DELILAH
Chris?

JAMES
Yeah?

DELILAH
Would you mind if I sat with you for a while.

JAMES
Please do.

(Lights shift to another area in the mall. Chris and

Meredith run into each other.)

MEREDITH
Oh hi.

CHRIS
Hi.

MEREDITH
What are you doing here?

CHRIS
I just helped Lou drop off the last batch of Unicorns.

MEREDITH
Oh. That’s nice of you.

CHRIS
What about you?

MEREDITH
I just came with um, a friend of mine, but I uh, I think she’s fine on her own so I
was just gonna head home.

CHRIS
Oh.

MEREDITH
You seem older.

CHRIS
Really?
 75

MEREDITH
You seem more mature.

CHRIS
Well, I’ve been James lately.

MEREDITH
That’s cool.

CHRIS
I like being James.

MEREDITH
It suits you.

CHRIS
You know I painted 35 unicorns today?

MEREDITH
That’s a unicorn army.

CHRIS
I know.

MEREDITH
That’s impressive.

CHRIS
Tell me about it.

Pause.

CHRIS
No, really tell me about it. How impressed are you?

MEREDITH
I am really impressed.

CHRIS
Cool.

(Pause.)

MEREDITH
I guess I should get going. I’ll see you around.

CHRIS
Alright. See you around.

(She turns to go.)

 76

CHRIS
Delilah?

(Without thinking, she turns around.)

MEREDITH
Yes?

(They realize what that means. Lights shift back to

James and Delilah.)

JAMES
You look so beautiful.

DELILAH
I won’t always.

JAMES
Yes you will.

DELILAH
I’m gonna get old, Chris.

JAMES
No you won’t- I promise.

DELILAH
Don’t do that.

JAMES
To me, your hair will never gray- it’ll stay the same shade of saddle brown it is
now. Your skin will never wrinkle- it’ll stay as smooth as it feels right now in my
hand. Your eyes- your eyes will always shine the way they do now.

DELILAH
You’ll have to brush your teeth if you’re gonna talk that sweet.

JAMES
I mean it.

DELILAH
You know it’s not true though. We’re both gonna get old and gray.

JAMES
But I love you. We’re gonna get married under an oak tree, have a beautiful
baby boy, and own a house full of beautiful candles and very gay unicorns.

DELILAH
You know, you can love me and I can still get old.
 77

JAMES
I wanna get old with you.

DELILAH
I wanna get old with you.

JAMES
Then it’s settled- we’re gettin’ old together.

(A sweet laugh escapes them both.)

JAMES
What if, when we do get old, what if we wonder where it all went. What if we
wish we could have done things differently?

DELILAH
Our whole lives are in front of us, Chris.

JAMES
I don’t want to screw it up.

DELILAH
Whatever mistakes we make, whatever grudges we hold on to or opportunities
missed, we just can’t let our life go by without noticing. We have to see every
color on that goddamn wheel. Every color.

JAMES
I promise.

DELILAH
But we’re not old yet.

JAMES
We’re not?

DELILAH
I’m Meredith and I am a young sexy lady!

JAMES
That’s right- I’m Chris and I’m a stud and I still look good naked!

DELILAH
We are young! We say young things!

JAMES
Twitter!

DELILAH
What’s that?
 78

JAMES
I don’t quite know. Heard it on the TV.

DELILAH
We should go have sex on something that is not a bed.

JAMES
I’d settle for sex in a bed.

DELILAH
Chris.

JAMES
Hell, I’ll settle for a bed.

DELILAH
I love you Chris.

JAMES
You know I’m only me because you are you. You know that?

DELILAH
I know.

(Shift back to Chris and Meredith.)

MEREDITH
I can’t believe we’re old.

CHRIS
I know.

MEREDITH
It kinda sucks.

CHRIS
I guess.

MEREDITH
Whaddya mean, you guess?

CHRIS
Well, we know a lot more.

MEREDITH
Is that true?

CHRIS
I don’t know.
 79

(Pause.)

CHRIS
It does mean that we’ve been together for a very long time.

MEREDITH
That’s true. I like that.

CHRIS
I feel like it was just yesterday that we were young.

MEREDITH
It was.

CHRIS
I know.

MEREDITH
I’ve liked growing old with you.

CHRIS
Really?

MEREDITH
Yeah.

CHRIS
I love you Delilah.

MEREDITH
I love you James.

(Pause.)

MEREDITH
I don’t feel like we’re being ourselves.

CHRIS
I’ve never felt more like me in my whole life.

MEREDITH
Let’s pretend we’re young.

CHRIS
I don’t know.

MEREDITH
What’s the matter?
 80

CHRIS
I don’t know if you’ll like me if I’m young.

MEREDITH
Of course I will.

CHRIS
I’m not sure if that’s true.

MEREDITH
Even if we pretend to be young, even if we pretend to be Chris and Meredith,
we’ll still be us.

CHRIS
I don’t know if can be Chris. I don’t know if I can pull it off.

MEREDITH
Do you think I know how to be Meredith?

CHRIS
What do young people even say?

MEREDITH
Twitter!

CHRIS
I don’t really even know how that works.

MEREDITH
Me neither.

(Pause.)

CHRIS
So I’ll be Chris.

MEREDITH
And I’ll be Meredith.

CHRIS
And we’ll be together.

MEREDITH
You wanna be my boyfriend?

CHRIS
Yeah.

MEREDITH
And then I’ll be your girlfriend.
 81

CHRIS
That’s how it works.

(Pause.)

CHRIS
Hi Meredith.

MEREDITH
Hi Chris.

(Lights shift back to Delilah and James.)

JAMES
Being young’s exhausting.

DELILAH
Tell me about it.

JAMES
And it makes me a little sad.

DELILAH
How’s that?

JAMES
We have a whole lot of memories together that we’re not allowed to remember
now.

DELILAH
That’s true.

JAMES
Lots of memories that I like to remember. Remember the cabana?

DELILAH
(a small smile)
Shut up.

JAMES
See what I mean? Don’t you want to remember that?

DELILAH
Well then let’s pretend we’re old. Let’s pretend we’re Delilah and James.

JAMES
There has been so much acting in this family these past few days. I feel like the
Barrymores.
 82

DELILAH
Good- you’re acting old already. Let’s give it a whirl.

JAMES
I don’t know if I can pull James off.

DELILAH
What, you think I know how to play Delilah? Does anyone know how to do
this? We just have to try.

JAMES
Well, I guess there’s one thing that’ll be easy.

DELILAH
What’s that?

JAMES
My closet is chock full of James costumes.

DELILAH
So I’ll be Delilah.

JAMES
And I’ll be James.

DELILAH
You wanna sleep in the bed with me tonight?

JAMES
Yeah.

DELILAH
And I’ll sleep in the bed with you.

JAMES
That’s how it works.

(Pause.)

JAMES
Hi Delilah.

DELILAH
Hi James.

(Lights slowly down on them.)

 83
SCENE 11
Where the old man selling unicorns, sells a unicorn.

(Lou is at his kiosk. While he is surrounded

by the bustling sounds and the pleasant
unrelenting muzak of the mall, he has no
customers. He launches into his shtick, but
quickly runs out of energy.)

LOU
Get yer unicorns here! Tons of brand spanking new magical unicorns ready to
be boxed up and brought home. Unicorns full of magic and love...and laughter
and, and memories and promises and summer swims and hugs...Don’t people
like hugs?

(He stops. Looks around. Looks at the unicorn. Then

he speaks out to us, or to no one.)

LOU
My friend James and I painted these by hand. He didn’t have to help me. He’s
just a nice guy is all. Put up with me yelling about this and that. And his wife
Delilah, she let me take over her den as a workspace. I know that must have
been inconvenient. They’re nice people. Sometimes I don’t think they realize
what they got there. I wish there was something they needed me to do for
them. There never really is. Well, I helped James get that skunk out of the
basement. But that doesn’t count. I just have a thing with skunks- it was easy.

(He looks at his unicorn.)

LOU
I know these are silly. You’re probably looking at this unicorn and thinking,
what’s the point of that. That’s a useless item, you might say. A doorstop
maybe? I don’t know. But see, it’s important to me. It has a point as far as I’m
concerned. It stands for something.

(Pause.)

LOU
My wife Jan, she passed away a while back, and she just loved unicorns. I
thought they were silly- made a lot of fun of them. You know, when someone
dies that you love, it’s just plain ugly. Your heart feels ugly. The sheets on your
bed. Your own face. My life was so full of ugly things. Even the things that were
pretty when she was around, became ugly when she left. The chair she bought
me to watch my games in- I can’t even sit in it no more. So I decided that
goddamn it- I wanted some beauty in my life. I would have some beauty in my
life even if I had to make it myself.

(He holds out the unicorn.)

 84

LOU
So I did. Here it is. This is the beautiful thing I made. And now I just want people
to see it.

(He returns to his loud barking.)

LOU
Get your unicorns! Piping hot magical unicorns! Buy one get four free!

(Meredith enters.)

LOU
Oh, hello miss- would you be interested in buying a brightly hued magical
unicorn? I’ve put so much love into each and every one of them. I really have.
Here-

(He puts the unicorn in her hand.)

LOU
Can you tell? Like holding a warm candle. And the colors that dance around on
it- peach puff and linen and sea green.

MEREDITH
I’ll take it.

LOU
What do you mean?

MEREDITH
I mean I want to buy it.

LOU
You do?

MEREDITH
Yeah. As a gift.

LOU
For who?

MEREDITH
My boyfriend.

LOU
That’s real nice. He’s gonna love it. Is he a big fan of unicorns?

MEREDITH
He was when he was older.
 85

LOU
Come again?

MEREDITH
Never mind. How much?

LOU
80?

MEREDITH
Oh, I didn’t realize they were that expensive.

LOU
10!

MEREDITH
It just went from 80 to 10?

LOU
40?

MEREDITH
You haven’t figured out a price for this one yet?

LOU
Not really.

MEREDITH
Well how much have you been charging for the other ones?

LOU
No one’s bought any of them.

MEREDITH
Really? But they’re so beautiful.

LOU
You think so?

MEREDITH
Yeah. It reminds me of this little ceramic pencil holder I made in elementary
school. I painted it and etched my name in the side and then took it home to my
Dad. He put it on his desk at work, and it was there every time I visited.

LOU
It’s nice having those memories.

MEREDITH
I haven’t thought about that in ages.
 86

LOU
Hey- have you and your boyfriend been dating long?

MEREDITH
No. But it feels like forever.

LOU
Ain’t it the best?

MEREDITH
Yeah, it is. So how much do I owe you?

LOU
Nothing.

MEREDITH
You sure?

LOU
Yeah. Just do me one favor.

MEREDITH
Sure.

LOU
When you give it to him, make sure he looks at all the colors.

(She smiles and exits with the unicorn. He smiles and

the lights slowly fade. END OF PLAY.)