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NARRATOR:
Kids, as you know,
Aunt Robin grew up in Canada.

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That meant sometimes she
dressed a little differently.

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Okay, let's do this!

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Sometimes she talked
a little differently.

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Ted, this hydro bill is bigger
than Louis Cyr's biceps.

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What, you leave the garburator
on all night, eh?

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She hung out at different bars

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and enjoyed leisure time
a little differently.

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You want to go?
You want to go?! Come on!

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Make fun of the Great
White North all you want.

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It's the best country
in the world.

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The...
Mmmm.
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Social experiment.

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(chanting):
U.S.A., U.S.A.

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Okay, okay.
You know what,

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What does that even prove, okay?

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You chant anything,
people will join in.

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(chanting):
Canada, Canada,

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Cana...
Okay, they won't chant anything.

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(chanting):
Shrimp fried rice,

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(all chanting):
Shrimp fried rice,
Shrimp fried rice,

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Shrimp fried rice,
Shrimp fried rice...

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Shrimp fried rice--
totally.

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Anyway, speaking of food,

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Marshall, I've got
so bad news.

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Just read online,
Gazzola's is closing.

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No!

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What's Gazzola's?

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A filthy mecca of spectacular
if undercooked pizza

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located at 316 Kinzie Street,
Chicago, Illinois.

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Back in college, Ted and I used
to take these crazy road trips

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from Connecticut
all the way to Chicago

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Just for a Gazzola's pizza.

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22 hours.

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No map.

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We'd just jump in
the Fiero and drive.

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We were like Lewis and Clark,

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if Lewis and Clark peed
in empty soda bottles

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and had a bong made
out of a cantaloupe.

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Man, those Gazzola trips,

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that's... that's when
we really became bros.

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Mm. We ate nothing
but jerky.

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Drank nothing but Tantrum.

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Ah, Tantrum.

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Tantrum was a soft drink with
the highest caffeine content

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legally available
over the counter.

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It was eventually discontinued

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after an extensive study
by the FDA.

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Oh, man, we went through a whole case
of Tantrum one trip.

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I was color-blind for
two weeks after that.
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I think that's the reason
that I pass out

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when I hear church bells.

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It's probably a good thing
they're closing Gazzola's.

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Those trips were
brutal, right?

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The long hours in the car,
the motion sickness, the smell.

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So what time are we leaving for Gazzola's tomorrow?
I was thinking 9:00, 9:30.

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<font color="#ffff00">Sync by honeybunny</font>
<font color="#ffff00">www.addic7ed.com</font>

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I am ready to hit the road.

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I got baby wipes.

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I got a variety of jerky.

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I got six cans of Tantrum.

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Well, four.

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One burned through the can,
the other one I drank already.
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(grunts)
Tantrum!

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I am so psyched! Marshall and I

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haven't done something, just
the two of us, for so long.

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Ever since he got married, he's
turned from an "I" to a "we."

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What do you mean?

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Think about it.

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Hey, haven't seen you all week.
How you doing?

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We're doing great.

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Did you watch the Jets game?

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We most certainly did.

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How'd things go at the doctor?

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We no longer have
a hemorrhoid problem.

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Hmm.

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You guys will not believe this.

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I've been talking
to my lawyer all morning.

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You know that guy I have

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a slight disagreement

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with at the Hoser Hut?
He's filing assault charges.

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Come on!

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I broke his nose with a chair.

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And now, apparently, I may
end up getting deported.

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Oh, my God, that sucks!
Yeah.

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I'm gonna go do push-ups
in the kitchen.

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Tantrum!
(grunts)

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Well, there's only one possible
way to avoid getting deported.

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My lawyer said I could
become an American citizen.
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Perfect. Problem solved.
Welcome aboard.

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Well, it's not that simple.

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I'm a Canadian.
I was born there.

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My family's there.
It's who I am.

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I know, and it's provided us
with a lot of laughs.

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But, Robin,

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if you want to live here,
work here

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and throw chairs at people here,
you have to do this.

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Well, there's a citizenship
test tomorrow.

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A cit...
I'll think about it.

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No, no, you have to do it.

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I'll help you study.

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We're gonna stay up
all night long.

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I'm gonna drill you,
and then we're gonna study.

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No, seriously.

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We're gonna do some cramming

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and then we're gonna study.

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No, seriously. We're
gonna bone up on...

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Okay, Barney.
Sorry.

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It's a rich area.
It is.

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But you know, it's not
going to be easy, this test.

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It's not like the Canadian
citizenship test.

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How do you know
the Canadian test is easy?

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It's Canada.

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Question one: Do you want
to be Canadian?

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Question two: Really?

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Ted! Ted!

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Check it out!

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I got black coffee on the left,
I got Tantrum on the right!

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Do you have a phone book?!
Yes, I do!

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I don't know why they make
phone books anymore.

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Everything's online, right?

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(yelling)

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Tantrum!
Tantrum!

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All right, let's hit the road.

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You invited Lily?

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We most certainly did!

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I don't know if you caught that,
but he did the "we" thing.

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Yeah, I heard him.
Okay.

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Road trip!

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So you guys want to talk
about bitches?

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I'm kidding.
They're called women.

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All right, next stop: Chicago.

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I have to pee.

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Couldn't you have gone
before we left?

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I did. I just pee a lot.

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You'll see.

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Don't worry,
we'll get out on the road,

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it'll be just like old times.

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It wasn't.

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* I would walk 500 miles

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* And I would walk 500 more...

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Sugar snap pea?

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Pea...

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That reminds me, I have to pee.

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Okay, straight,
straight, straight.

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Now, wait, a little
to the left.

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We'll pass a state trooper.

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Ooh, punch buggy yellow!

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Ow!

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Yellow-- that reminds me,
I have to pee.

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Thank you!

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Great.

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Oh, hey, Ted...

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You can't have
to go again.

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It's not humanly
possible.
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No, I was just going to say
maybe we should listen to something.

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Oh, that's a great idea.
I think I have some Jerky Boys.

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Good-bye, Sparky.

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It's an audio book
about a boy and his dog.

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It made Elisabeth Hasselbeck cry.

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Good-bye Sparky,
by Nick Leotti.

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Read to you by Kenny Rogers.

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Oh!

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Chapter One:
When I first saw Sparky,

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he reminded me of
my favorite comb;

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he was missing a lot of teeth,
but I loved him anyway.

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Mother was fit to be tied

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every time he used
her prized rhododendron

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to do his business.

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(laughs)

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That reminds me,
I have to pee.

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"How many stars
are on the flag?"

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50-- one for each state.

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"What are
the first ten amendments

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to the Constitution called?"

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The Bill of Rights.

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Look, Barney, I know
all this. I'm ready.

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Ready for the test maybe,
but ready to be an American?

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Not on your sweet life.

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For you to be an American,

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we got to get the Canadian
out of you.
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That's why I've created
these questions.

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Question one: "Who is this?"

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Queen Elizabeth II.

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No, the answer is Elton John.

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Question two:
"What the hell is this?"

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Oh, curling.

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Um, it's a sport played...

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Wrong. The answer
we were looking for

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was "I don't care, it's dumb."

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Let's go buy something
that's bad for us

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and then sue the people
who made it.

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That's America, Robin.

194
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...because Sparky loved
chasing a ball,
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and it didn't much matter
what kind.

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Tennis ball, baseball,
Wiffle ball,

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golf ball, basketball,

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beach ball, gum ball,

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a grapefruit-- which isn't
actually a ball,

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but 's round like a ball--

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a football-- which isn't round,

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but it's still technically
a ball--

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Indian rubber ball...

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This ends disk seven.

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00:07:45,680 --> 00:07:49,094
The audio book continues
on disk eight.

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00:07:51,371 --> 00:07:53,381
Disk eight.

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00:07:53,381 --> 00:07:55,122
Lacrosse ball, volleyball...

208
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Oh, my God, Lily, please
tell me you have to go pee!

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Ah, I do.

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It was the worst trip ever,

211
00:08:01,685 --> 00:08:03,092
but then it got worse.

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Well, don't worry, the
next exit's the hotel.

213
00:08:05,034 --> 00:08:06,206
We can go there.

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00:08:06,206 --> 00:08:07,680
Hotel?

215
00:08:07,680 --> 00:08:09,857
WOMAN:
Crumpet Manor is listed

216
00:08:09,857 --> 00:08:12,334
in the American Registry
of Historic Bed-and-Breakfasts.

217
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Our door is opened
on Christmas day, 1881.

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00:08:16,821 --> 00:08:19,768
And we have catered
to couples ever since.

219
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Well, I mean, single people
can have fun here, too, right?

220
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Oh, I suppose I could arrange
a little recreation.

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00:08:26,330 --> 00:08:28,206
Do you enjoy sitting
on a bench?

222
00:08:32,962 --> 00:08:34,602
And by the end of the night, Barney
had turned Robin into a real American.

223
00:08:34,602 --> 00:08:36,812
I want to say-- Jefferson?

224
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Correct.
Oh!

225
00:08:38,017 --> 00:08:41,600
Archie Bunker's neighbor
was George Jefferson.

226
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Oh, boo-ya! I am nailing this.

227
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God, I'm buzzing

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On America right now!
All right, hold your horses.

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Now to prove that you are
as American as apple pie

230
00:08:49,536 --> 00:08:52,382
and the childhood obesity
it leads to--

231
00:08:52,382 --> 00:08:55,295
who is this?

232
00:08:55,295 --> 00:08:57,673
That, Barney,

233
00:08:57,673 --> 00:09:01,625
is the American actor,
beloved by millions,
234
00:09:01,625 --> 00:09:05,308
the "Hey, Vern" guy from the
popular series of Ernest films.

235
00:09:05,308 --> 00:09:07,753
And his name...

236
00:09:07,753 --> 00:09:10,732
Jeff Foxworthy.

237
00:09:10,732 --> 00:09:12,641
Jeff Foxworthy?

238
00:09:12,641 --> 00:09:14,315
No, it's Jim Varney.

239
00:09:14,315 --> 00:09:15,956
You're kidding me.
You don't know that?

240
00:09:15,956 --> 00:09:18,300
Uh, that's Jeff Foxworthy,
dumbass.

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00:09:18,300 --> 00:09:20,644
End of story.
Now shut your stupid face.

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00:09:20,644 --> 00:09:23,457
Not only are you wrong,

243
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but you are belligerently
sticking to your guns

244
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and insulting me
in the process.

245
00:09:28,781 --> 00:09:31,627
Robin Scherbatsky--

246
00:09:31,627 --> 00:09:34,106
you are an American.

247
00:09:35,512 --> 00:09:38,760
Look who's back
from the wishing well.

248
00:09:38,760 --> 00:09:41,505
It didn't work,
I'm still here.

249
00:09:41,505 --> 00:09:43,817
Marshall, what are we doing?

250
00:09:43,817 --> 00:09:45,123
We should be on the road.

251
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Ok, Ted, we're not
in college anymore, okay?

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We don't have
to drive all night.

253
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Besides, they have a spa.

254
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All our spa treatments
are designed for couples.

255
00:09:55,336 --> 00:09:56,373
Would you
be interested

256
00:09:56,373 --> 00:10:00,928
in the two-person,
cornmeal body scrub?

257
00:10:00,928 --> 00:10:03,070
And then finally it happened.

258
00:10:03,070 --> 00:10:06,286
Marshall and Lily globbed
into one big married glob.

259
00:10:06,286 --> 00:10:10,370
We'd love a cornmeal
body scrub!
260
00:10:10,370 --> 00:10:11,843
Whoa.

261
00:10:11,843 --> 00:10:15,996
I got to dial back
on the Tantrum.

262
00:10:15,996 --> 00:10:20,014
Oh, yeah, I'm gonna be
an American, y'all.

263
00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:23,128
Maybe I'll rob a liquor store.
Maybe I won't.

264
00:10:23,128 --> 00:10:24,334
My choice.

265
00:10:24,334 --> 00:10:28,051
Learn English!

266
00:10:29,391 --> 00:10:31,031
The Hoser Hut.

267
00:10:32,036 --> 00:10:33,810
I could duck in for a drink.

268
00:10:33,810 --> 00:10:35,284
No, no, that life's behind me.

269
00:10:35,284 --> 00:10:37,059
Forget it.

270
00:10:37,059 --> 00:10:39,602
Well, I could in
for just one beer.

271
00:10:39,602 --> 00:10:40,875
What's the harm in that?

272
00:10:40,875 --> 00:10:42,215
It's a free country.

273
00:10:42,215 --> 00:10:45,597
* O Canada

274
00:10:45,597 --> 00:10:49,916
* Our home and native land...

275
00:10:49,916 --> 00:10:51,457
Oh, God, I miss it.

276
00:10:51,457 --> 00:10:54,606
* True patriots love...

277
00:10:54,606 --> 00:10:56,747
(knocking)

278
00:10:59,861 --> 00:11:01,335
Hey, man.

279
00:11:01,335 --> 00:11:02,875
Shh.

280
00:11:02,875 --> 00:11:04,014
Sorry about
what I said before.

281
00:11:04,014 --> 00:11:06,292
You want to go to the store
and get some beer?

282
00:11:08,468 --> 00:11:09,941
Lily is asleep.

283
00:11:09,941 --> 00:11:12,486
I suppose I could
reschedule my pedicure.

284
00:11:13,289 --> 00:11:15,198
What the hell?
But only light beer

285
00:11:15,198 --> 00:11:16,738
because we have a couple
hike in the morning.

286
00:11:21,125 --> 00:11:23,235
Dude, why are we pulling
to the highway?
287
00:11:25,177 --> 00:11:28,458
Ted, where exactly
are we going to get this beer?

288
00:11:29,563 --> 00:11:30,936
Chicago.

289
00:11:33,984 --> 00:11:35,825
What are you doing?
We can't just leave Lily.

290
00:11:35,825 --> 00:11:37,165
When she wakes up,
she's going to freak!

291
00:11:37,165 --> 00:11:39,074
She'll have a back rub
and a crumpet.

292
00:11:39,074 --> 00:11:42,121
She'll be fine.
Relax. Have some fun.

293
00:11:42,121 --> 00:11:44,230
I just abandoned my wife.

294
00:11:44,230 --> 00:11:46,307
How am I supposed to have fun?

295
00:11:46,307 --> 00:11:49,722
* And I would walk 500 miles

296
00:11:49,722 --> 00:11:53,573
* And I would walk 500 more...

297
00:11:53,573 --> 00:11:54,577
Hey, you really think
Lily's pissed?

298
00:11:54,577 --> 00:11:56,252
If she's pissed, she's pissed.

299
00:11:56,252 --> 00:11:57,726
Pfft.
300
00:11:57,726 --> 00:11:59,131
NARRATOR:
When Barney finally

301
00:11:59,131 --> 00:12:01,140
tracked down your Aunt Robin,

302
00:12:01,140 --> 00:12:02,447
it wasn't a pretty sight.

303
00:12:02,447 --> 00:12:04,221
Good morning.

304
00:12:04,221 --> 00:12:06,498
(moans)

305
00:12:06,498 --> 00:12:07,637
Barney?

306
00:12:07,637 --> 00:12:11,253
Oh, my God.
What happened last night?

307
00:12:11,253 --> 00:12:14,132
You went Canadian.

308
00:12:14,132 --> 00:12:16,276
How Canadian?

309
00:12:16,276 --> 00:12:19,290
This Canadian.

310
00:12:21,064 --> 00:12:24,044
Oh. That was supposed
to be a dramatic view

311
00:12:24,044 --> 00:12:26,221
of the Toronto sky--
you're in Toronto.

312
00:12:27,561 --> 00:12:29,603
Oh, God.

313
00:12:29,603 --> 00:12:32,550
Okay. It's coming back to me.
314
00:12:32,550 --> 00:12:35,363
I, uh, I went
into the Hoser Hut..

315
00:12:35,363 --> 00:12:36,568
(sighs)

316
00:12:36,568 --> 00:12:39,515
And I met this
women's curling team

317
00:12:39,515 --> 00:12:41,189
ROBIN:
We started drinking.

318
00:12:41,189 --> 00:12:43,131
And the next thing I know,
they're inviting me

319
00:12:43,131 --> 00:12:46,614
to a Bryan Adams/Rich tittle
double bill in Toronto.

320
00:12:46,614 --> 00:12:49,026
How did you find me, anyway?

321
00:12:49,026 --> 00:12:51,335
You called me,
said you were never coming back.

322
00:12:51,335 --> 00:12:54,349
So, I jumped on a plane,
flew across the Atlantic...

323
00:12:54,349 --> 00:12:56,391
Canada isn't
across the Atlantic.

324
00:12:56,391 --> 00:12:57,698
You're talking nonsense.

325
00:12:57,698 --> 00:12:59,237
Now, listen...

326
00:12:59,237 --> 00:13:01,515
You slipped up. It's fine.

327
00:13:01,515 --> 00:13:02,855
The test is in a few hours.

328
00:13:02,855 --> 00:13:05,231
Barney,
I'm not taking the test.

329
00:13:05,231 --> 00:13:06,739
God, you're still drunk.

330
00:13:06,739 --> 00:13:07,945
(sighs)

331
00:13:07,945 --> 00:13:10,088
Look, I-I appreciate
your help, but...

332
00:13:10,088 --> 00:13:13,001
who am I kidding?
I'm Canadian.

333
00:13:13,001 --> 00:13:14,473
I always will be.

334
00:13:14,473 --> 00:13:17,154
Now, that's ridiculous.

335
00:13:17,154 --> 00:13:20,333
We're gonna get some coffee
In you, we'll sober you up,

336
00:13:20,333 --> 00:13:22,510
and get you back
to New York for that test.

337
00:13:22,510 --> 00:13:24,486
But, before any of that,

338
00:13:24,486 --> 00:13:26,796
we're gonna do it on this bed

339
00:13:26,796 --> 00:13:28,370
'cause... hotel room.
340
00:13:29,408 --> 00:13:31,551
Okay, let's get some coffee.

341
00:13:35,704 --> 00:13:37,411
Kind of gross.
You're making me wonder

342
00:13:37,411 --> 00:13:39,856
if this pizza is worth
the 22-hour drive.

343
00:13:39,856 --> 00:13:41,798
Just like old times!

344
00:13:41,798 --> 00:13:45,214
I feel so young again
except for the chest pains.

345
00:13:45,214 --> 00:13:46,319
But the crust is so good.

346
00:13:46,319 --> 00:13:47,993
What is the secret
to this crust?

347
00:13:47,993 --> 00:13:49,466
It's no big secret.

348
00:13:49,466 --> 00:13:50,772
It's made of cornmeal.

349
00:13:50,772 --> 00:13:53,050
Cornmeal...

350
00:13:53,050 --> 00:13:57,770
We'd love a
cornmeal body scrub!

351
00:13:57,770 --> 00:13:59,880
I can't believe
you guys are closing.

352
00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:02,124
I can't believe
we're still open.
353
00:14:02,124 --> 00:14:04,601
Gotcha!

354
00:14:04,601 --> 00:14:06,846
These are getting bigger.

355
00:14:09,123 --> 00:14:11,299
It's like an entire country
without a tailor.

356
00:14:11,299 --> 00:14:13,810
Yeah, give me
two coffees.

357
00:14:13,810 --> 00:14:15,452
$3.50, please.

358
00:14:15,452 --> 00:14:17,394
Hey, what did you think of
the game last night?

359
00:14:17,394 --> 00:14:18,465
What game?

360
00:14:18,465 --> 00:14:20,039
The Leafs beat Edmonton.

361
00:14:20,039 --> 00:14:22,551
Beauchemin went five hole in OT.

362
00:14:22,551 --> 00:14:24,091
Oh, I guess I missed it.

363
00:14:24,091 --> 00:14:25,697
Oh, sorry. You're American.

364
00:14:25,697 --> 00:14:27,306
Here's your change.

365
00:14:27,306 --> 00:14:28,376
I'm not American.

366
00:14:28,376 --> 00:14:29,583
American money?
367
00:14:29,583 --> 00:14:30,821
Didn't watch the Leafs game?

368
00:14:30,821 --> 00:14:32,930
No "please" or "thank you"
for the coffee?

369
00:14:32,930 --> 00:14:35,007
You sure don't seem
like a Canadian.

370
00:14:38,188 --> 00:14:40,331
What's wrong?
Other than the fact

371
00:14:40,331 --> 00:14:43,244
that this five-dollar bill
they gave you is blue.

372
00:14:43,244 --> 00:14:45,488
Wow. I'm not American,

373
00:14:45,488 --> 00:14:47,531
and apparently,
I'm not Canadian either.

374
00:14:47,531 --> 00:14:51,080
And there's kids
playing hokey on the back.

375
00:14:51,080 --> 00:14:55,935
It's like you want us
to make fun of you.

376
00:14:57,174 --> 00:14:59,351
I don't want this anymore.

377
00:14:59,351 --> 00:15:01,895
Dude, don't look at it.
That's a rookie mistake.

378
00:15:01,895 --> 00:15:03,269
We shouldn't have left Lily.

379
00:15:03,269 --> 00:15:04,274
Well, if you're so worried,
380
00:15:04,274 --> 00:15:05,412
why don't you give her a call?

381
00:15:05,412 --> 00:15:07,253
I have.
I left her, like, 20 messages.

382
00:15:07,253 --> 00:15:09,698
I said, "I'm sorry.
Please forgive me.

383
00:15:09,698 --> 00:15:10,802
It's all Ted's fault!"

384
00:15:10,802 --> 00:15:13,281
What exactly is "Ted's fault"?

385
00:15:13,281 --> 00:15:14,553
This! This whole thing!

386
00:15:14,553 --> 00:15:15,825
We were having
a perfectly nice trip,

387
00:15:15,825 --> 00:15:16,997
and then you kidnapped me.

388
00:15:16,997 --> 00:15:18,404
You didn't even let me
put on underwear!

389
00:15:18,404 --> 00:15:20,614
We never used to
put on underwear!

390
00:15:23,662 --> 00:15:25,503
That was the fun of a
bro's trip to Gazzola's!

391
00:15:25,503 --> 00:15:28,115
We left everything,
and everyone behind.

392
00:15:28,115 --> 00:15:29,421
It was just you and me!
393
00:15:29,421 --> 00:15:32,636
But now it's like you've
disappeared into Lily.

394
00:15:32,636 --> 00:15:33,640
That is not true.

395
00:15:33,640 --> 00:15:35,180
It is true. You're not upset

396
00:15:35,180 --> 00:15:36,654
because you're worried she's
mad. You're upset because

397
00:15:36,654 --> 00:15:38,194
you'd rather be with her,
eating muffins

398
00:15:38,194 --> 00:15:40,504
than here with me,
eating this delicious...

399
00:15:40,504 --> 00:15:42,849
I think one of my mushrooms
just crawled away.

400
00:15:43,921 --> 00:15:45,293
Well, you know what?

401
00:15:45,293 --> 00:15:48,206
That mushroom's not the only
thing that's leaving.

402
00:15:50,718 --> 00:15:52,090
Car keys, please.

403
00:16:06,054 --> 00:16:07,829
Look at this money!

404
00:16:07,829 --> 00:16:10,575
This one has a moose,
this one has a beaver,

405
00:16:10,575 --> 00:16:12,685
and they all have
Elton John on the back.

406
00:16:14,459 --> 00:16:15,698
When I moved to the States,

407
00:16:15,698 --> 00:16:17,774
I swore to myself,
I wasn't going to change.

408
00:16:17,774 --> 00:16:21,792
And yet, here I am, in the most
Canadian place in the universe--

409
00:16:21,792 --> 00:16:24,773
Tim Horton's-- around the corner
from the Hockey Hall of Fame,

410
00:16:24,773 --> 00:16:27,317
and I don't belong.

411
00:16:27,317 --> 00:16:29,527
It's like I don't
have a country.

412
00:16:29,527 --> 00:16:32,106
Okay, that's it.

413
00:16:33,814 --> 00:16:35,823
Attention, Canada!

414
00:16:36,794 --> 00:16:38,636
I am Barney from America.

415
00:16:38,636 --> 00:16:41,314
And I'm here to fix
your backward-ass country.

416
00:16:41,314 --> 00:16:43,859
Number one: get real money.

417
00:16:43,859 --> 00:16:47,174
Don't know what board game this
came from, but it's a "jhoke."

418
00:16:47,174 --> 00:16:50,959
Number two--
and this is the biggie--

419
00:16:50,959 --> 00:16:54,340
Quit letting awesome chicks like
Robin Scherbatsky get away

420
00:16:54,340 --> 00:16:55,713
because, guess what?

421
00:16:55,713 --> 00:16:58,259
You don't want her?
I'm planting my flag in her--

422
00:16:58,259 --> 00:17:00,568
if you know what I mean,
which you probably don't--

423
00:17:00,568 --> 00:17:02,678
and getting her
the hell out of here.

424
00:17:03,649 --> 00:17:05,658
You may now return
to being pointless.

425
00:17:12,188 --> 00:17:14,700
Ah, this coffee is excellent.

426
00:17:16,675 --> 00:17:20,359
Oh. Hey, fellas.

427
00:17:20,359 --> 00:17:22,904
It's called a "tie."

428
00:17:32,882 --> 00:17:37,135
Sparky was my best friend,
but after I married Helen,

429
00:17:37,135 --> 00:17:41,421
old Spark started to feel
a little left out.

430
00:17:41,421 --> 00:17:44,100
For so long,
it had been just me and him,

431
00:17:44,100 --> 00:17:47,716
but now he suddenly felt
like Helen had taken his place.

432
00:17:47,716 --> 00:17:52,002
What Sparky didn't realize was,
even though I loved Helen,

433
00:17:52,002 --> 00:17:53,878
I still loved him, too.

434
00:17:53,878 --> 00:17:56,623
I had room in my heart
for both of them.

435
00:17:56,623 --> 00:17:58,565
But maybe
I should have put aside

436
00:17:58,565 --> 00:18:01,379
some special ball-tossing time
just for the two of us

437
00:18:01,379 --> 00:18:05,297
to make sure Sparky knew
that he was a good boy.

438
00:18:05,297 --> 00:18:07,238
I wish now I had,

439
00:18:07,238 --> 00:18:09,951
'cause old Sparky ran out
in front of a Cadillac

440
00:18:09,951 --> 00:18:12,194
and got splattered
like a watermelon

441
00:18:12,194 --> 00:18:14,203
in one of them Gallagher shows.

442
00:18:14,203 --> 00:18:15,944
I'm sorry, Ted!
I'm sorry!

443
00:18:15,944 --> 00:18:17,016
No, I'm sorry.
444
00:18:17,016 --> 00:18:18,155
I never should have
been mad at you!

445
00:18:18,155 --> 00:18:19,361
No, I never should
have brought Lily.

446
00:18:19,361 --> 00:18:22,139
She pees all the time,
even at the apartment.

447
00:18:22,139 --> 00:18:24,584
Still bros?

448
00:18:24,584 --> 00:18:26,526
Best bros.

449
00:18:27,966 --> 00:18:30,879
Hey, you want to crank some
Van Halen just like old times?

450
00:18:30,879 --> 00:18:31,816
Hells, yeah!

451
00:18:31,816 --> 00:18:34,127
Or listen to the
Sparky book again?

452
00:18:34,127 --> 00:18:35,534
Listen to the
Sparky book again.

453
00:18:35,534 --> 00:18:36,672
Okay. Let's listen
to it again.

454
00:18:36,672 --> 00:18:40,824
Man, those Canadian
doctors banded me up,

455
00:18:40,824 --> 00:18:44,575
reset my jaw, put my shoulder
back in its socket,

456
00:18:44,575 --> 00:18:47,052
and they didn't even bill me.
Idiots.

457
00:18:48,727 --> 00:18:50,870
All right,
I guess they're not idiots.

458
00:18:50,870 --> 00:18:52,578
The coffee was extraordinary.

459
00:18:52,578 --> 00:18:54,654
Huh.

460
00:18:54,654 --> 00:18:57,165
I guess Canada's not so bad.

461
00:18:57,165 --> 00:18:59,241
They play their cards right,

462
00:18:59,241 --> 00:19:01,317
maybe they can even
become a state someday.

463
00:19:01,317 --> 00:19:04,466
Barney, I've thought about this.

464
00:19:04,466 --> 00:19:06,541
When you stood up and
told off those people,

465
00:19:06,541 --> 00:19:10,325
I thought, "Yeah, America's cool."
Hmm.

466
00:19:10,325 --> 00:19:12,936
And then when those guys
pounded the stuffing out of you,

467
00:19:12,936 --> 00:19:18,429
I thought, "Yeah, Canada's
pretty cool, too."

468
00:19:18,429 --> 00:19:21,040
I-I may have taken
a few pokes myself.
469
00:19:22,179 --> 00:19:24,523
So, I've decided,
dual citizenship.

470
00:19:24,523 --> 00:19:26,667
I'm going
to be American and Canadian.

471
00:19:26,667 --> 00:19:28,575
Wait, you can do that?

472
00:19:28,575 --> 00:19:29,848
Yeah, dummy.

473
00:19:29,848 --> 00:19:31,689
Instead of being a woman
with no country,

474
00:19:31,689 --> 00:19:33,866
I'm going to be
a woman with two.

475
00:19:33,866 --> 00:19:35,708
I see.

476
00:19:35,708 --> 00:19:37,080
You understand?

477
00:19:37,080 --> 00:19:40,495
No, I can see out
of my left eye again.

478
00:19:47,896 --> 00:19:50,105
Hey, baby?

479
00:19:50,105 --> 00:19:51,478
Baby?

480
00:19:51,478 --> 00:19:52,818
Hmm? Yeah?

481
00:19:52,818 --> 00:19:54,895
I'm so sorry
that we left you.

482
00:19:57,038 --> 00:19:59,247
Did you go somewhere, sweetie?

483
00:20:01,860 --> 00:20:04,706
Yes, kids, it turns out
Crumpet Manor

484
00:20:04,706 --> 00:20:08,122
had pampered Lily into a nearly
comatose state of relaxation.

485
00:20:08,122 --> 00:20:10,398
She didn't even notice
we were gone.

486
00:20:10,398 --> 00:20:12,943
(phone buzzes)

487
00:20:12,943 --> 00:20:15,555
(in same register as phone):
Mmm....

488
00:20:15,555 --> 00:20:17,129
(phone buzzes)

489
00:20:17,129 --> 00:20:19,841
...

490
00:20:19,841 --> 00:20:20,913
(staccato):
Oh, oh, oh...

491
00:20:20,913 --> 00:20:23,424
(phone buzzes)
Yeah...

492
00:20:23,424 --> 00:20:25,668
So, I had a great time, too.

493
00:20:25,668 --> 00:20:26,840
That's good.

494
00:20:26,840 --> 00:20:29,118
And I'm so sorry you
didn't get any pizza.

495
00:20:29,118 --> 00:20:30,456
Oh, that's okay.

496
00:20:30,456 --> 00:20:31,829
And if she didn't mean it then,

497
00:20:31,829 --> 00:20:34,373
she certainly meant it
19 minutes later.

498
00:20:34,373 --> 00:20:35,546
God, my stomach!

499
00:20:35,546 --> 00:20:38,760
Damn you, Gozzola's!
(straining)

500
00:20:38,760 --> 00:20:41,707
It's like a hot ball of lead!

501
00:20:41,707 --> 00:20:43,515
Baby, cut it out of me.

502
00:20:48,370 --> 00:20:49,710
That was a wild
trip, huh, Ted?

503
00:20:49,710 --> 00:20:51,016
I know. It was
kind of crazy.

504
00:20:51,016 --> 00:20:53,293
But how great is it
to drink some Tantrum again?

505
00:20:53,293 --> 00:20:55,001
You know who had
fun, was Lily.

506
00:20:55,001 --> 00:20:57,211
Lily drank like, four
cans of the stuff.

507
00:20:57,211 --> 00:20:58,283
Right, Lil?

508
00:20:58,283 --> 00:21:00,760
Where's Lily?

509
00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:02,000
Tantrum!

510
00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:04,210
I have to pee.

9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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