Text from my initial A comment or The change(s) I How this change impacts

assignment: question I received made to what I my piece:

from De Piero or a initially wrote:
classmate:

“In between the howling of boos
and the self deprecating chants,
some have shined through and
shown what it means to be an
athlete in the city of
Philadelphia. The turn of the
21st century has given way to
innovation in the field of sports
writing, such that the gap
between players and fans is
slowly diminishing.”
My intro paragraph “In between the howling Breaking my intro into
just felt way too boos and self- two paragraphs aids with
deprecating chants, some
meaty. What seemed have shined and shown flow; I see now a true
to be happening was what it means to be an transition from Philly,
that too many good athlete in the city of Philly to the exigence
ideas were getting Philadelphia. behind my writing.
lost. Zack’s ¶
comment about good
transitioning got the The turn of the 21st
ball rolling for me century has given way to
innovation in the field of
creatively. sports writing, such that
the gap between players
and fans is slowly
diminishing.”

“In between the howling of boos Something was just “In between the howling Gives an additional layer
and the self-deprecating chants,” off with the wording boos and self- of meaning to “boo” when
deprecating chants,”
as I read this back in the adjective is placed
my head. directly before it. I, now,
picture The Linc full of
fans howling at a full
moon on a Sunday night.
The “The” that preceded
self-deprecating was
unnecessary. Aided to
flow.
“When in Rome — in order to “When in Rome –" “In order to truly get the Gets right into the
truly get the vibe of a place, you takes away from the vibe of a place, you have discussion I want to have.
have to understand the language to understand the
and the culture of the people in main topic of my language and the culture By italicizing “language”
it.” sentence, which of the people that inhabit it draws attention to the
should be the point it.” word as something
since it’s a topic important.
sentence; coupled
with a comment
from Zack.
“It's very hard to live in this city Huge structural 1) Changed topic Helped to draw a
and not get a taste of our culture problems to entire sentence. straighter line between this
— …— Philly loves you. 2) Specifically
Forever.” section. Does not alluded to argument and my
relate to the thesis. Lowry’s argument. Focused on the
Zack’s comment of arguments. rhetorical elements of
“So you're saying: 3) Broke into Lowry’s writing while
multiple ¶s
Lowry knows his 4) Realization of
also getting deeper into his
audience?” shows an audience’ message as a player. Gave

“From one article to the
next…what makes the game, the
game.”
“When you take the field in
Philadelphia it is evident that the
audience is everything —
possibly more important that the
game at hand….The dedication
put in by athletes and fans alike
fuels a cylinder of hunger —
and keeps a fire swelling
underneath the city.”
understandable 5) Linked good new life to old ideas.
feeling of confusion. (old) logic Flows much better.
with a new
spin.
6) Brought in
humor.
The infamous “…these moments evoke Breaking this section up in
“armchair a sense of nostalgia in to paragraphs allowed me
the reader, which is no
philosopher” coincidence. to focus more on nostalgia
comment. as a rhetorical instrument
¶ which is one thing I hadn’t
truly thought of before. In
The ramifications that
emerge from reminiscing doing so I was able to
on the city’s collective accomplish things such as
history is an intentional relating back to my thesis.
rhetorical technique that Additionally, by adding a
the players use, here, to
new paragraph on the
their advantage…. The
authors are able to rhetorical nature of
strengthen the irons that nostalgia, I was able to
truss the people of this strengthen the ideas
city by shedding a light present in my ensuing
on great Philadelphia
sports achievements in paragraph.
retrospect.
Not only do these
flashbacks take us inside
what we’ve seen on TV
or from the stands, but
provide a pathetic appeal
to the audience…. By
reminiscing on
accomplishments, the
authors inspire their
readers to want more —
the hunger to win never
subsides: “Man..... the
crowd just ROARED”
(Ryan Howard).”
Bulky paragraph “When you take the field By adding some direct
with some in Philadelphia it is evidence about how
evident that the fans are
unintentional fluff. I everything —possibly exigence is created, I was
talk about exigence, more important that the able to strengthen my
nut with no meaning game at hand….It could, evidence to back up my
behind it (see the then, be argued that the claim. It made the picture I
exigence behind the
irony?). Caught writing of these pieces is
was attempting to paint
myself armchair the expectations put much clearer and breathed
philosophizing again. forth by the fans of this some new inspiration into
city.

“I was always early to class, at
first just by habit. Eventually
that blossomed into an authentic
passion to learn coupled with
intrigue as to what we would
tackle in today’s lecture.”
“The papers we read, at first, felt
daunting…and focused on the
conventions that aid the author
in getting their point across.”
“While this is true, I think with
practice one can fine tune the
inner speech which drives
thought. This adjustment is not
only something I see in my
writing, but, now, thinking
about it, I find myself doing it in
everyday speech as well.”
“We learned about the
“arguibilty test” for devising a
thesis, one that makes sure to
get the point across and involves
refining our arguments.
Essentially we were learning the
conventions that make for a
good argument based writing
assignment. In order to properly
communicate your thoughts and
opinions you should follow a
tried and true format.”
“However the rules for writing
are not always so rigid, and
WP1 helped us to find our
voices as writers. I don’t think
I’ve ever had so much fun
writing a paper as i did with
writing that piece and i think
that is clear when others read it
too.”
¶ the quotes from my
sources.
Players who wish to play
here have to earn it, and
respect is only given to
those who warrant
it…The dedication put in
by athletes and fans alike
creates a symbiotic
relationship amongst
them.”
What blossomed? “I was always early to Creates a correlation
What does class, at first just by between ideas.
habit, but eventually my
attendance have to punctuality blossomed
do with what we into an authentic passion
learned? to learn.”
Seems unnecessary. OMITED Aided to the flow.
Already discussed in PARAGRAPH
previous and
subsequent
paragraphs.
What evidence do I “As Elbow puts it in Connects points trying to
have for making this Teaching Two Kinds of be made. Provides
Thinking by Teaching
statement? How can writing, “We use [first evidence. Circles back to
I relate it to what we order thinking] when we class discussions.
learned? write fast without
censoring and let the
words lead us to
associations and
intuitions we hadn’t
forseen” (Elbow55).”
Making two separate “Essentially, we were Aids in the flow of my
arguments in the learning the conventions writing. Creates new topic
that make for a good
same paragraph. argument-based writing which allows me to dive
Leads to confusion assignment. deeper into argument.
as to what I am
trying to achieve. ¶
In order to properly
communicate your
thoughts and opinions
you should follow a tried
and true format.”
Evidence? “However, the rules for Linking back to my own
writing are not always so work demonstrates my
rigid, and WP1 helped us
to find our voices as progression as a writer and
writers. Here, we see provides evidence of
how my inner hungry growth.
dog bursts out of its
kennel and into my
writing, “Give us your

“My willingness to work with
you stems from your apparent
passion for sports, something I
think we both share, coupled
with your background in
statistical modeling/testing.”
“My research question ponders
whether introducing
Sabermetric practices in a
college clubhouse could, in fact,
optimize the decision making
process.”
all and you will see why
they call us the City of
Brotherly Love — just
not if you’re a Dallas
fan. No one likes us. We
don’t care.” I don’t think
I’ve ever had so much
fun writing a paper as I
did with writing that
piece and I think that is
clear when others read it
too.”
Sounds like I am My petition to work with Breaks up what I want to
doing him a favor. you stems from your say into multiple sentences
apparent passion for
Also a bit confusing sports. Your interest in in order to get point across
grammatically. baseball is something I better. Also points more
think we both share, and specifically towards
I would relish being able baseball and analytics.
to hear your insight
given your background
in statistical
modeling/testing.”
Does not explicitly Ҧ Calls attention to what I
state what my am writing the email
With my research
research question is. question, I am trying to about.
Lost in middle of answer whether
paragraph. introducing Sabermetric
practices in a college
clubhouse could, in fact,
optimize the decision-
making process.”