All about sex

Great sex and meditation have a good deal in common. Several researchers
have shown that one type of meditation, mindfulness, helps resolve several sex
problems. It focuses practitioners' thoughts intently on the present moment.

The Sex-Meditation Connection

Both sex and meditation involve taking breaks from daily routines and
responsibilities. Both include deep diaphragmatic breathing. Both encourage
emptying the mind of extraneous thoughts and focusing attention on the
present moment. And both help free the mind from daily hassles.

Meditators accomplish this by sitting quietly and focusing intently on their

breath, or on a word or phrase (mantra), or on a simple activity (walking,
slowly chewing one bite of food). Lovers free their minds by engaging in
mutual erotic touch while focusing intently on one another (though they may
fantasize about other partners). Both expand spiritual connections—meditators
to the world around them, lovers to their partners. And after both, meditators
and lovers emerge feeling calm and refreshed, better able to cope with life's
challenges.

But emptying the mind isn’t easy. During both meditation and lovemaking,
random thoughts—some possibly disturbing—inevitably dart in and out of
consciousness. Meditation teachers urge students to accept their thoughts
without judging them, no matter what the content. They say: “Your thoughts
are not you. They’re like dreams. You can’t control them and are not
responsible for them. Don’t judge your thoughts. Simply observe them, then
let them go as you return to your breath, mantra, or mindfulness activity.”

Sex therapists concur, encouraging lovers to observe their erotic thoughts

and fantasies non-judgmentally, no matter what their content, and then gently
let go of them as lovers return to focusing on giving and receiving pleasure.
Just as random thoughts during meditation don’t mean anything, neither do
the vast majority of thoughts and fantasies during sex.

A Head Full of Ideas

Bob Dylan’s song, “Maggie’s Farm,” includes the line: “I got a head full of
ideas that are driving me insane.” Many people can identify. They have heads
full of sexual beliefs that may not exactly drive them crazy, but do produce
sufficient stress to cause problems. Stress/anxiety/worry triggers the fight-or-
flight reflex that constricts the arteries in the central body, limiting blood flow to
the gut and genitals and sending it out to the limbs for self-defense or escape.
Reduced blood flow through the genitals compromises sexual
responsiveness, function, and satisfaction. But deep relaxation, the kind
produced by meditation, opens the arteries that supply blood to the genitals
and enhances sexual function and pleasure.

In recent years, several sex researchers, notably Lori Brotto at the University
of British Columbia, have harnessed the power of meditation to treat a broad
range of sex problems:

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Child sex abuse

A team led by Brotto enrolled 20 adult survivors of childhood sexual traumain a

program shown to aid recovery, CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). CBT helped
them reframe their stories away from the horror of abuse toward self-
forgiveness and personal empowerment. Half the group also learned
mindfulness meditation and practiced it daily. After one month, both groups
reported less sexual distress, but the mindfulness group reported greater relief
and better sexual functioning.

Low libido

Another Brotto team recruited 117 low-desire women. Forty-nine were placed
on a waitlist. The rest participated in three 90-minute classes over six weeks
that discussed the causes of low libido and offered instruction in mindfulness
meditation. Between classes, the women practiced mindfulness daily at home.
After six months, the treatment group reported significantly greater desire,
arousal, and lubrication, easier orgasms, and greater satisfaction.

Investigators at Willamette University in Oregon analyzed 11 studies of

mindfulness involving 449 women who complained of low libido and arousal
and orgasm difficulties. “All aspects of sexual function and well-being—
exhibited significant improvement.”

Erectile dysfunction (ED)

A third Brotto team enrolled 10 men suffering erection difficulties in a four-
week mindfulness-based treatment program that included information about
ED, counseling, and mindfulness meditation practiced in therapy sessions and
daily at home. Most of the men reported significant improvement.

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Men in distress because of their porn consumption

Creighton University investigators took 38 men who were convinced they were
porn addicts to a rustic retreat center for eight days. They spent 32 hours
in cognitive-behavioral therapy. During CBT sessions, the researchers
endeavored to correct participants’ sexual misconceptions, such as:

 Sexual thoughts and fantasies are wrong, harmful, and sinful.

 Only bad people masturbate.
 My porn watching proves I'm evil.
The therapists endeavored to correct those mistaken beliefs:

 There’s nothing wrong with sexual thoughts and fantasies. Everyone

has them. They’re perfectly normal and a key element of great sex.
 Almost everyone masturbates, particularly men who feel stressed. Unless
it interferes with life responsibilities or partner lovemaking, there’s
nothing wrong with it, even frequently, even daily.
 Virtually every Internet-connected man on Earth has seen porn, many
frequently, some daily. Viewing it doesn't make you evil. Porn is a
cartoon version of men’s fantasies of effortless sexual abundance.
The researchers also taught participants mindfulness meditation, which they
practiced several times a day. After the retreat, their sexual anxiety and porn
viewing decreased significantly.

Breaking Vicious Cycles

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Anxiety contributes to many sexual problems. That’s why “Am I normal?” is
one of the most common questions sex experts get. Many people feel nervous
about their fantasies, bodies, libidos, sexual repertoire, and ability to negotiate
functional sexual relationships. That nervousness causes stress, which, as
mentioned, impairs sexual desire and function.

When sex experts correct people’s misconceptions, sometimes that’s all that
is necessary to resolve their issues. But quite often, sexual issues cause
chronic stress not relieved just by learning the truth. Sometimes, people need
the truth plus tools to relieve their sexual stress. That’s where mindfulness
and other relaxing activities help: deep breathing, hot baths, massage, yoga,
tai chi, dance, hiking, and other exercises. They break the vicious cycle of
stress-dysfunction-more stress-worse dysfunction and replace it with
refreshing calmness.