Chapter 2: Rapport

I define connection as the energy that exists between people

when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and
receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and
strength from the relationship.
— Brené Brown4 —

The Power of Being Present

I had just settled into my seat when a woman twenty years my senior
said, “Hello.” I was surprised at her willingness to connect. We began a
conversation that flowed as if we were old friends. I discovered that her
passion was pottery, and I became so absorbed in the conversation that
the hours flew by. I was full of wonder about the process of making clay
into pots, and I learned about a unique glazing that no one else was
using that created interesting textures and colors. It was like I was “in”
on a family secret. Her passion was contagious. When the flight was
over, I was left with a desire to see what was unique about how she
created her pots. As we were disembarking she called out, “You have
my
card. Come and visit while you are in town. Really!” And later that week
I did just that. The shapes and textures of the hand-thrown pottery in her
studio were something I’d never seen before, and I was impressed. So
impressed that I figured out how to send one to my mom through
international mail. What happened between the potter and me was
effortless, fun, and fully engaging. In hindsight, I can see that what
connected us was our natural, genuine curiosity about who this other
person was in the world.

The endeavor of asking meaningful questions starts with

intention and
connection. Connecting with people is fundamental to asking a
powerful
question. Connecting arises before you even ask a question and
continues
throughout your time with a client, student, parishioner,
coworker, etc. It is my
belief and experience that if you establish a connection with
someone, then they
will respond to your powerful questions more honestly and
freely. Even other
communications will be better received if you have established
an authentic
connection.

I would suggest that rapport means building a relationship of

trust or moving
toward trust. Although rapport is a noun, Rapport Building takes a
certain
amount of work. It takes action. We will examine steps you can
consciously take
to create rapport.
But there’s another element to rapport that is harder to
describe. It is in those
moments when we see the other person as they are. Somehow, we
are open to
their humanity, their fears, and their dreams.
The person is NOT:
in the way or someone who you need to work around
a key player to get something from
someone that we’re trying to impress

Trap: The fears

Our objective is to remove all the barriers to establishing
rapport. Most barriers
to human connection are based in fear. People commonly name two
fears that are
barriers in the way of connecting with others. First is the Fear
of Being
Unloved, also referred to as the Fear of Being Rejected. It is
often camouflaged
as not being accepted or unliked. People in my classes will
frequently say things
like, “I’m afraid that if I take a step toward connection, the
other person may not
take that step.” Then thoughts arise, like, “I’m not going to
be accepted,” or “I
am not going to be liked.”

The second named fear is closely related to the first: Fear of

Looking
Stupid. By attempting to make a connection, people fear being
judged. They say
things like, “I may do something that is abnormal and then I
will look stupid to
the person that I’m trying to connect with.” I’m sure we
could list hundreds of
additional fears here, but it’s possible they are all offspring
of these two. They
are all real fears, and we could be in therapy for years
addressing all of them—or
we could simply do two things: first name the fear and then find
an antidote.

Antidote: Follow your curiosity

Whatever happens, follow your natural, genuine curiosity! In
whichever form
fear shows up for you, your natural, genuine curiosity is a
doorway, an invitation to get to know someone. Be full of
wonder. Ask the questions that naturally
occur for you from this place of wonderment rather than allowing
fear to bury
them.

Natural, genuine curiosity is a skill you can develop by:

1. Being present.
Slow down the desire to rush.
Engage with what “is.”
2. Paying attention to what is happening right now.
Notice color, shape, texture. Notice tone, tempo, speed.
Let go of what you would like it (or she/or he) to be or even
what
could be or should be.
As best you can, suspend judgment or your idea of how it is.
3. Listening with your heart and your mind to what you are drawn
toward.
Let yourself be drawn toward it or them. Release the thoughts
that pull
you away.
4. Engaging with whatever thing or person you are curious about
and
discovering if there is more to be curious about.

Trap: Finding commonalities

When we meet new people, we believe we need to find things in
common. We
are taught to believe that if we find things in common, we can
build a
relationship of trust. I believe this is false.

Often when I use the word “connections,” people seem to think

I mean
“commonalities.” It is as if our nature is to find
commonalties in order to be
connected. I think this assumption is false. There are lots of
ways that we can be
connected and have very little in common. There can be
connections around a
topic, idea, or thought, and people may stand on opposing sides.
That is still a
connection. One person may feel that gas drilling (fracking) is
wrong, while
someone else may feel it is the only way toward energy
independence. In a
dialogue, there is a connection point around fracking, even if
people think about
it differently. What the connection point is, however, will be
unclear till both
make a choice to connect and explore possibilities together.

In general, when searching for commonalities with another

person, we start
broadly to find things we have in common and then we try to hone
in.

One challenge is connecting with someone with whom you do not

have
many obvious things in common. Another challenge is not having
much time to
connect with someone before you need to work together. The key
is to find your
natural, genuine curiosity, even when someone seems different
from you. Be full
of wonder:

Act as if you are exploring unknown territory and are expecting

the unexpected.
Who knows what will happen next? Who knows who this person is? I
can
guarantee they are not who you “think” they are. They are not
all the
assumptions that you’ve made about them. They are full of
dreams, hopes, and
ideas.

Tool: Ask your curiosity

Find something the person is wearing, carrying, or sharing that
you are
genuinely curious about and ask an open-ended question,

Trap: Your invisible list

An example of some people’s list of important to-dos to

connect:
Say, “Hello!”
Ask question
Get what I want
Leave

When your process of connecting with someone is mechanical, then

the
genuine curiosity that can create the connection is gone—as if
just because you
asked a question, you have fulfilled the requisite for
establishing rapport. When
a cook first learns to cook, they follow recipes, doing their
best to do all the steps
perfectly. It is mechanical, a process that lacks new
inspiration. As cooks
become chefs, they begin to change recipes, adding little bits
of something new,
curious to know how it will turn out. Here, you are the chef,
and it’s your job to
add something new to the process each time. Your spice cabinet
contains a big
glass jar of natural, genuine curiosity. Your job is to add a
pinch to the
relationship from moment to moment. Perhaps some of the stories
below will
help you find the place where curiosity rules within you.

Antidote: Develop deeper curiosity

We just need to remember what it is like not
to suppress our natural, genuine curiosity. We need to unlearn
the things that
prevent us from being and expressing our natural curious selves.
Instead, I
encourage you to relearn what it requires of you to be your
natural, genuine, and
curious self.

Three questions that have helped me be more open to what is

around me are:
What is this moment teaching me?
What is happening here that I am curious about?
How does this person see the world from their perspective?