Some people say watching television is bad for children in all ways, other say it is good for children

to get knowledge. Discuss both view and give your own opinions.

The proliferation of contemporary lifestyles has brought about several economic debates. For Commented [HN1]: Ở đây Thu cần nói là socio-economic
instance, some parents oppose watching television for negative impacts on children whereas it is nha. Có nhiều đề (chẳng hạn như đề này) ko liên quan đến
kinh tế nên nếu chỉ ghi economic không thì hơi sai trọng
also said that this is the open door to the world of knowledge. Both sides contain valid arguments, tâm.
which will be examined in this essay.
Commented [HN2]: Trước whereas phải có DẤU PHẨY
On the one hand, proponents of the former notion claim that watching TV only has bad influences Commented [HN3]: Ngoài ra Thu có thể dùng từ
on both mental and physical health of young generations. If children become addicted to television Gateway, Pathway
channels, their daily routine would be disrupted, so does their habits and characteristics. Another Commented [HN4]: Khúc này lỡ cơ hội tạo complex
reason for this perspective is that television is similar to other kind of communication patterns, so it sentence. Ở đây sửa lại thành which leads to interruption in
may contain various inappropriate messages. In fact, according to one survey in London 2009, their habits and characters.
Character là nhân cách, characteristics là đặc tính, dùng cho
televisions was considered to be the most used device at home by children and placed first in vật.
promoting violence contents. [Phân tích tiếp, violence on TV sẽ tác hại gì lên Mental health của trẻ
em, Đoạn này cũng phải nói chi tiết ra các physical health impacts từ xem TV là gì. Thu viết còn hơi
chung chung]

As for the latter viewpoint, On the other hand, advocates of the former view point would claim
that children and teenagers would be provided a wide range of useful and practical information by Commented [HN5]: Thu cần phải thêm khúc này trước
watching televisions. They can acquire more knowledge about politics, health, nature, sciences or Main idea của mình. Mình không nêu trực tiếp ý, mà nói là
những người ủng hộ ý thứ 2 nói là…
maybe even the sufficient mature contents in dramas, therefore, they are able to protect Trong Discuss both views thì mình đứng vị trí trung lập, chỉ
themselves and people around them. Furthermore, using broadcasted devices as channels to có Conclusion là nói ý cá nhân.
connect to the world, which can be ultilised to learn new foreign languages. For example, Nafelia Commented [HN6]: Sửa lại, tránh dùng they/them nhiều.
Utton, a 9-year-old Malaysian girl who achieved band 8.5 in IELTS exam, shared with the general Ghi là: these young kids can become more mature in
public that 80% of her knowledge and skills came from TV shows and sitcoms. thinking, and learn to recognize rights and wrongs.
Commented [HN7]: Bỏ Which, bỏ dấu phẩy phía trước.
In conclusion, both points of view contain valid arguments: Some parents believed watching TV Đem cụm “using … to the world” làm Subject, can be utilized
effects affects negatively on children in every aspects, yet others refute that it bring enormous làm Verb.
benefits to our younger generations. To my mind, parents should limit and control children’s Commented [HN8]: Dùng thì Simple Present Tense.
timetable, not totally ban them watch TVs.
Commented [HN9]: Every aspects thì quá chung. Mình
Task Achievement: 7.0 Bài làm cần triển khai chi tiết hơn, thầy có ghi chi tiết ở ngoài lề cho Thu. đã nói gì ở Body 1, tóm tắt lại. Ví dụ: affects negatively on
children’s cognitive development and physical condition.
Fluency: 7.0 Cấu trúc tốt, Body 2 Topic Sentence cần sửa lại, cần tóm tắt ý chính trong
Commented [HN10]: Benefit gì? Tóm tắt lại ý Body 2.
Conclusion.
Vocabulary: 8.0 Good as always con
Grammar: 8.0