ILIAD

*After the prophecy had been told to Zeus*

If you wed the sea nymph Thetis and bare a child with her, that child will overthrow you as
the god of all gods and goddesses.

Zeus: Peleus

Peleus: Yes, my god?

Zeus: You shall marry the sea nymph Thetis and bare a child with her. I shall provide all your
needs for the wedlock and all the gods and goddesses shall be present except for one, Eris, the
goddess of discord

Peleus: How come Eris is prohibited from attending the wedlock?

Zeus: For she is the goddesss of chaos, her mere presence can aleady cause immense disorder

Peleus: aight bitch

*The Wedding*

[So the day of their wedding has come. Such merriment and joy. Though in the midst of
celebration, there came….](thunder sounds come rolling in)

Eris: Having fun without me? Oh do not fret, I’m not here to cause any trouble, only to give out
a golden apple. A golden apple that can only be in possession of the fairest of them all. *she
then proceeds to throw the fucking apple at the goddesses*

[Three goddesses were able to catch the golden apple, Hera, Athena, and Aphrodite]
Hera: Let go of MY golden apple, I was clearly destined to have this

Aphrodite: Stop talking nonsense! We all know I am the fairest hmph

Athena: Ladies, we clearly cant decide among ourselves, why don’t we ask Zeus for help?

{They all agree and set out to talk to Zeus]

[Even though they’ve pleaded their cases, Zeus still chose to not pass on his judgement for the
mere fact that the three goddesses were family to him]

Zeus: I shall send out my messenger, Hermes, to Mt. Ida to look for a man named Paris, the one
to decide whom among you will inherit the title fairest of them all. The three of you shall go
with him. HERMES!

Hermes: *kneels in front of Zeus*

Zeus: You shall go to Mt. Ida and deliver this message to a man named Paris.

[Hermes then sets off to Mt. Ida in search of Paris with the three goddesses along with him]

Hermes: Paris, I come bearing a message from Zeus himself. You shall decide on whom to give
this golden apple to. Your decision will determine which of the three goddesses is the fairest of
them all

Paris: I humbly accept.

[The three goddesses then went and relayed their offerings one by one]

Hera: Why hello Paris. You must be a pretty wise man considering my husband asked for you
specifically. My my, you must be blind if you can’t see that I’m the fairest among the other two.
I’d give you immense power in riches if you were to give that lil golden apple of yours. Choose
wisely, dear.
[Hera then walks out and Athena proceeds next]

Athena: What a mighty fine golden apple you got there, you know what else would be mighty
fine? If I were to have it. Don’t worry, in exchange, I’ll give you wisdom and glory. Your choice

[The last goddess, Aphrodite, then proceeds to walk up to paris]

Aphrodite: My sweet little mortal, you seem a bit unsure of which offer to accept. Here, let me
make it easier for you. I offer you the most beautiful woman in the world for that puny golden
apple. You know for yourself that what you really desire is a woman.

Paris: You have all made very convincing offers. But what I truly seek is to be wed to the most
beautiful girl In the world. Aphrodite, you are the fairest of them all

[Aphrodite accepts the golden apple. The other two goddesses scoff then go on their merry way]

Aphrodite: Wise choice, mortal. I shall fulfill my end of the bargain. CUPID!

Cupid: Yes, mother?

Aphrodite: I need your assistance. The three of us shall be attending a gathering hosted by
Helen, the most beautiful girl in the world. You shall shoot Helen using one of your arrows to
make her fall madly in love with Paris. We can deal with her husband, Meneleus, later.

Paris: Wait, wha---

Aphrodite: No more dilly-dallying, we must leave at once.

*Gathering chuchu na nina Helen at Meneleus*

Aphrodite: Helen is talking to the other guests, I take that this is an easy shot for you. Do not
disappoint me, son.

Cupid: Yes, mother. *he then shoots the fucking arrow*

[Helen then gets shot with an arrow, twice from Cupid. The first to fall out of love with her
husband, the second to make her fall in love with the first person she sees, which is Paris]

Helen: Young man, I deeply desire you.

Paris: Oh Helen of Troy, I desire every bit of you as well. Come. Let me whisk you away from
here

Aphrodite: Very good, Cupid

Cupid: Thank you, mother.

Some random fuckboi; Meneleus, your wife is leaving with another man

Menleus: Paris, prince of Troy, heed my word, you shall get what is coming to you.

[Meneleus then gathered all of Helen’s suitors. He sent out Palamedes to look for Odysseus.
Little they did know, Odyesseus wanted no part in this potential war since he already has his
own family. For him to not participate in the war, he pretended to be a man man to fool
Palamedes]

Palamedes: The time has come to fulfill your oath to the ever beautiful Helen.

[Odysesseus ignores palamedes and continues plowing what seems to be salt. He should be
plowing rice]

Palamdes: I am no fool. I know exactly the thing to get you to reveal your true self
[Palamedes then proceeds to get Odysesseus’ newborn and sets him in front of the area being
plowed]

Palamedes: If you really are a mad man, you shall not mind your son and continue plowing

[Odysseus suddenly stop plowing in mid-air]

Palamedes: Just as I predicted. Come, you still need t o find Achilles

[Odysseus then set out to look for Achilles. Achilles was pretending to be one of King
Lycomedes’ daughters. Why did he do this you may ask, well, his mother Thetis, had foreseen
his death in the war, so she advised him to hide out]

[Odysseus had already devised a plan on how to distinguish Achilles from the princesses. He
pretended to be a merchant selling jewelry and arms. Once the princesses had come out of the
castle, they all admired the lovely jewelry, except one. The one supposed princess ignored the
jewels and went directly to the arms]

Odysseus: Oh Achilles, you cannot fool me. You must fulfill your oath to Helen just like the rest
of us. Meneleus requests for all of us to participate

*Meneleus has finally gathered all the suitors, so they plan together on
how to get revenge on the greeks*