A few years ago I visited a family that was struggling with a couple of teenage boys.

It was mostly the usual stuff: disrespect,

irresponsibility at home, failing to do school work, etc. When the testosterone kicks in, common sense and good judgment often take
a break. This isn’t just a boy thing. The same occurs with teenage girls. It is generally manifest in different ways, but just as evident,
and sometimes scarier!

This particular family is as conscientious as any I have ever known. Mom spends her life trying to do good by her kids and
neighbors, helping them in every possible way. (That extra “help” with the kids may have added a little to the problem). Dad is
responsible, hard working and honest. They have all the makings of a model bunch. It just wasn’t coming together as everyone
hoped.

The first night I met with them was a little tense. None of the kids were excited to be there, and the parents were anxious and maybe
even embarrassed by the obvious sentiment in the room. Thankfully, nothing creating long-term damage had yet occurred between
family members and I was confident that they were able and willing to consider some ideas and make some changes.

As we reluctantly sat together in the living room, I started the conversation by asking a question. It was something like this: If you
went on a family trip together and came home to see that your basement had a foot of standing water, what would you do? I tried to
get every family member to respond, so as to make sure they were engaged and thinking about a solution. The answers varied and
(as I recall) were something like this: Oldest son: “Grab a bucket”; Mom: “Call for help”; Dad “Turn the water off”. Then I explained to
them, that the most obvious answer (to me) was the same as Dad’s: turn off the water! I would first make an effort to stop more
water from coming in the house by turning off the main valve and then look for (or call a professional) to find the source of the leak.
Once the source of the problem was handled, I would then start the cleanup process. It was insightful to consider Mom’s response
of calling for help, as that is what she did to get me into their home!

I think the metaphor here is pretty obvious when we think about it. If water is continuing to come in, our efforts at getting it out are
largely ineffective. Kind of like scooping water out of a boat that has a hole in it. It can only go on for so long before you sink. We
must first stop the obvious source of the problem, then go to work on the cleanup. The same is true in our families. If there are
continual behaviors that never allow us to get to the root of the problems, we will always be “flooded.” Everyone must decide the
source of the “leaks” together and commit to doing their part to stop them. Only then can the real remodeling begin.

Our discussion that night led us into applying this concept to their family relationships. We talked about the “source” of the water and
what was making it “deeper” and how that was making it nearly impossible to start the cleanup. We agreed that there was some
“bad blood” about comments made and resentment from both kids and parents about unmet expectations and responsibilities. We
discussed behavioral patterns (of parents and children) over time that would need to be addressed to help in the “cleanup”, but first
we all agreed to “stop the water.” No more angry outbursts or accusations. No more blaming others for personal failures and a little
more effort at acknowledgment and gratitude for help. That first visit was solely focused on “turning off the water.”

The water got turned off! There were still occasional drips here and there as everyone participated in the cleanup, but the process
dried out the basement, replaced the carpet and repainted the walls. Those kids, that were failing in school and always seemed to
be in some kind of altercation, are grown up now. They have served missions and gone to college. One is now married to a great
young woman. They look pretty good all cleaned up! Mom and Dad are pretty proud of their efforts—as they should be. It all started
with them working hard to turn off the water that was causing the damage, then consider new ways to remodel their behaviors to
leave their family relationships looking good—even brand new!

Here is the funny part of the story. Several years after that first meeting and tons of progress had been made, the family went out of
town for a short trip. When they returned home, guess what they found? True story! The basement was flooded. This time, the first
thing they did was look for the source of the water. Once it was turned off and fixed, they started the cleanup and complete remodel
of the basement. It looks great! Just like their family.

Ever watch dog sled racing? There are actually quite a few movies made about the sport. I became interested in the interaction
between the different dogs on a sled team after watching a great movie years ago called “Iron Will”. I fully recommend it to you and
your kids, it teaches some great principles.

I learned that in dog sledding, most teams have a lead dog. He is the dog that pulls the others from the front of the harness and is
the example, motivator and enforcer. You have to be tough to be the lead dog. An article I read gives the following insight:

“ Modern sled dogs are generally mixed breed (“Alaskan”) huskies who have been bred for generations for their endurance,
strength, speed, tough feet, good attitudes and appetites, and most importantly their desire to pull in the harness.”
Many animal species have similar characteristics that center around a single lead figure. I watch the Discovery Channel and see a
variety of animals, including mountain goats and elk, who have a ritual for determining who is in charge and consequently gets first
pick of mates for reproducing. I guess it is Darwin’s way of explaining “survival of the fittest” and “natural selection”.

This process of determining who is the “Alpha Male” (is this what they mean by “toxic masculinity”?) is pretty rigorous, not to
mention life threatening! Usually two—or more—battling for the “top dog” spot smash their heads and horns together for a couple of
hours, until one is injured so badly they can’t continue, or figures out they don’t want to smash heads anymore and leaves the battle
ground defeated and submissive. The winner gets the spoils.

I have been thinking a lot about families and “lead dogs” lately. I did a little thought process with people I personally know—and
know of—and noticed a similar pattern of alpha males with humans. It is based on a couple of theories I have come to believe and
which I have no scientific way of proving. So humor me—please.

The first pattern is that fathers who have all the “alpha male” characteristics (I do not use that term in a derogatory way), seem to
have at least one child (usually a son), who shares those same characteristics. It is genetic predisposition I suppose. They are
smart, motivated, hard working and most comfortable being the one in charge. They are also unafraid to “do battle” as necessary to
maintain their status in the herd (either at home, school, work, civic organizations, etc).

Second, those children who share the “Alpha Male” characteristics (again, not a derogatory usage), respond to the interactions with
their fathers in a couple of different ways. The ones most like their “lead dog” father, during pre-teen and teen years, start to see
their fathers as having a role that they want for themselves, and consequently make efforts to exert their own influence and power to
criticize and challenge their dad. It might be a way of testing the alpha male for control. On the other hand, kids less genetically
disposed for lead dog traits, quickly assess that they cannot win the battle with him for top dog and simply divert their attention to
other pursuits.

The first group tries to battle their father and, if he is willing to fight back to maintain his status, it creates a potentially toxic
relationship that can last for years. Strong willed humans—unlike animals—rarely just go away or leave the group without some
serious long term resentment and/or disdain.

The second group rarely attains a similar status in adult affairs as their father did. They believe they cannot compete with his status
and success so are content with other pursuits and living comfortably in the shadow of his leadership. Some even prefer that role,
especially if dad is paying their bills!

Ever notice that some really successful people have leadership struggles when working with their children in the family business, or
with their kids never measuring up to their success standards? On the other hand, it is not uncommon for kids from very meager
backgrounds to do great things in the world. Not competing with dad may help them to develop their own attributes of success and
leadership.

I’m no social or psychological scientist. (You might have noticed). But I have watched a lot of folks go through this process and it
seems to play out fairly consistently. I have recognized some of these same processes in my own life and family.

Here’s a thought to consider. In families, there should be room for lead dog training. Even though dad will always be accountable as
the lead dog, he doesn’t need to make sure everyone in the home knows it. He can even share the responsibility (which he should
already be doing with the other lead dog—his spouse), while training children to be lead dogs too. If dad feels the need to make
sure he is always getting others to follow his lead, those same followers will not likely end up being good lead dogs themselves.

How does that training work? Here are a couple of suggestions:

1. Talk to the aspiring lead dog(s) and explain to them what it looks like to be a lead dog. Tell them a little bit about things
like making your wife feel supported and happy, what it is you do for work to provide for your family, what schooling was
required and what it was like, what things really make you happy or discouraged in your lead dog role, etc. Be careful not
to tell them what they should do relative to these things. Part of lead dog training is learning to assess risk and make
decisions on their own. If you are good at this, you won’t have to offer much advice—they will come ask for it.
2. Acknowledge that there are a few things you wish you had done better as a lead dog and a couple of things that you feel
you need to work on going forward.
3. Apologize for specific times that you acted like a charging ram and promise to try harder. Invite the aspiring lead dog to
give you some suggestions on how you are doing and how you might do better. Take their suggestions seriously! Explain
to them that your most important role as the lead dog is to help them become lead dogs too, but even better ones than
you have been.
4. Invite them to consider some ways where they can take the point of the harness on a few items in the family and be the
lead dog on those items. Then let them lead without interfering with the execution and performance, giving them room to
make mistakes and learn from that experience without criticism.
 5. In extreme cases, you might consider showing them a movie of rams knocking their heads together to determine who is in
charge and explain that you think that is what animals do—not children of God—and you have no desire to go through
that drill.
6. Finally tell them that since you aren’t battling each other for power (like animals), that you aren’t going to try and control or
force their behavior. YOUR REAL GOAL IS TO CONTROL YOUR OWN BEHAVIOR AND HELP THEM TO LEARN TO
CONTROL THEIRS SO YOU CAN BOTH HELP LEAD PACKS OF YOUR OWN. You can support each other in these
efforts.

The responses to this discussion will likely vary depending on the kid. A few possibilities might include them gaining a whole new
level of respect for your role, and a little more willingness to follow as they see how much work is involved with being the lead dog.
They may not want any involvement with that “adulting” stuff, and head back to the video game!

The ones with more lead dog characteristics may want to suggest or ask what lead roles they can play and jump right in. In this
case, you just created a lead dog partner that can actually make your life a little easier by being less combative and instead helping
to pull. As the child starts to play this new role, don’t be controlling of his technique and approach. Focus on the results, and ask
them if they see another way that might work better. Be especially careful that they don’t start being the forceful type of lead dog to
siblings or others they work with. This can be an important part of the training you provide.

Finally, if neither of those responses fit, you now likely have a child that understands what matters to you and that you are making
an effort to do the best you can in their behalf. This likely leads to more personal responsibility to not add to the load you are
pulling—even if they aren’t yet interested in pulling more themselves.

In all of this, remember, “ We have learned by sad experience that it is the nature and disposition of almost all men (lead dogs
especially?) as soon as they get a little authority, as they suppose, they will immediately begin to exercise unrighteous dominion.
Hence many are called but few are chosen. No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by
persuasion, by long suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned: By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall
greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile—reproving betimes with sharpness (read clarity and precision—not
force), when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou has
reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy; That he may know that thy faithfulness is stronger than the cords of death” (D&C
121: 39-44).

This is a high standard for all—especially lead dogs! A couple verses later tell us the evidence of being good at it. “…Thy scepter
(shall be) an unchanging scepter of righteousness and truth; and thy dominion shall be an everlasting dominion, and without
compulsory means it shall flow unto thee forever and ever” (vs 46).

It seems that in the eternal scheme of things lead dogs are the ones that everyone wants to follow—not the ones that try to force
them to. It is a high standard, but becomes proof of the very best of those who desire to pull the sled.

One of my all time favorite stories from scripture is in the 15th Chapter of Luke. We have all heard it. The impact of the teaching it
provides is unparalleled to me.

It starts in verse 11 and is worth repeating here with some comments as we read along.

11. …A certain man had two sons: (I wonder if that was all of his sons? The fact that 2 were mentioned allows for the teaching of
contrast between good choices and bad. It is what I will call a “comparison of consequence”). Verse 12 continues.

12. And the younger of them said to his father, Father, give me the portion of goods that falleth to me. And he (the father) divided
unto him his living. (I often wonder how much of this story was left out. Did this happen in one day? Had they been talking about the
desires of his son to leave home and go out on his own for some time? Had the Father given counsel that the son chose to ignore?
Perhaps the biggest question for most parents is: why did he just give him the money and let him go? Like most experienced
parents, he had to know what was about to happen, right?) On to verse 13.

13. And not many days after, the younger son gathered all together and took his journey into a far country, and there wasted his
substance with riotous living. (Big surprise!) Verse 14 is where the rubber starts to hit the road.
14. And when he had spent all, there arose a mighty famine in that land; and he began to be in want. (Now he realizes what his dad
may have warned him of. I think a better word than “want” may be “need.” Since we need food and we need shelter, we always
seem to become more motivated to remedy our situation when there is real need.) Verse 15 tells us of his effort to hang on and
make it work and maybe save the embarrassment of his bad choices.

15. And he went and joined himself to a citizen of that country; and he sent him into the fields to feed swine. (I think this verse is
significant for a couple of reasons. The term “citizen” demotes that this was a man with status and means, just like his own father
back home.) It is also significant that this citizen was not likely Jewish, because he raised swine, which were not part of the
covenant people’s diet. Now this boy, who likely came from a faithful religious home, is working in a household that is not part of the
covenant, and feeding pigs that his family wouldn’t eat. It is a clear representation of how far away from his upbringing and covenant
life he had wandered. Verse 16 says:

16. And he would fain have filled his belly with the husks that the swine did eat; and no man gave unto him. (This is another
significant message. He would fain means “desired” or “wanted” to eat the husks because there was nothing else. No man gave to
him is what he could expect, because the devil does not support his children at the last day. He leads us down a dead end street
and by the time we figure out where we are, he isn’t around to give us direction on how to return. That has to come from our own
change of heart and desire to repent—and it isn’t an easy thing to do.) Verse 17 is the language I like the most.

17 And when he came to himself, he said, How many hired servants of my father’s have bread enough and to spare, and I perish
with hunger! (At this point, no one had to convince him that what he had done was a really bad idea. He came to that conclusion for
himself, but in his case, he could not have done that without the experience he just suffered through. I often say that many of us only
turn to God when there is no one else to turn to! This happens when our options for survival are gone, and we see clearly the
situation we are in. Only then can many of us understand that we desperately need salvation. And if we have paid attention, we
inherently know where it can be found. I believe that his father knew this son very well. I believe from the father’s actions that he had
counseled him and taught him and warned him of possible problems. I also believe that he was the kind of son that was not going to
learn this lesson in any other way, so his father cut him the check—knowing the probable outcome—then prayed for the best, and
sent him on his way. Verse 18 and 19 continue:

18. I will arise and go to my father, and I will say unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and before thee,

19. And am no more worthy to be called they son: make me as one of they hired servants.

Notice here that the son’s first response to his father was going to be that he had sinned “against heaven”. He must have been
clearly taught that his first allegiance and devotion was to God—then to his earthly father. He also understood that his bad choices
had consequences, making him unfit to be called his Father’s “son.” This is a clear representation of his violation of what followers of
Christ view as baptismal covenants, to “take upon ourselves the name of Christ.” He understood that his previous behavior was a
disqualifying factor for retaining that sacred title and its privleges, hence his willingness to just be a servant.

The following verses 20-24 are—to me—one of the great scenes in all of scripture.

20. And he arose, and came to his father. But when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran,
and fell on his neck, and kissed him. (Did you notice that his father saw him coming from a “great way off?” How often do you think
that father stood in the yard watching down the road, hoping and praying to see the son return? Then, when he saw him coming,
instead of rehearsing his “I told you so” speech, he ran to meet him, fell on his neck, and kissed him. He had come to himself, and
didn’t need additional scolding, just a clear reminder of the love that he had missed by going his own way, which led him away from
his father’s house.)

Verse 21 repeats the son’s lines to his father that he had rehearsed to himself in the swine field. Then the story concludes with this:

22. But the father said to his servants, Bring forth the best robe, and put it on him; and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet:

23. And bring hither the fatted calf, and kill it; and let us eat, and be merry:

24. For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found. And they begin to be merry.

I used to think, like the older brother of the prodigal that we read about in the next verses, that the father was being unjust to
welcome this rebel back home. He even gave him a robe and ring, both of which are likely symbols of his status as a family
member! Then it occurred to me, that the real status we gain from being in the presence of our Father is not based on how well we
took care of and were responsible for our earthly goods. Our real inheritance is to be in the presence of God and to be forgiven of
our poor choices and to once again be called by His name. This prodigal did not likely regain his earthly inheritance as his brother
worried he might, but he regained his spiritual one. In fact, I believe that it is not uncommon for us to be willing to lose all that we
have of this earth’s goods to qualify for the Lord’s final exaltation, even if —in our own bad judgment—we gave it away. Sometimes
this very experience is the only one that will help us “come to ourselves.”

The metaphor continues with the realization that we are all sons and daughters of God. Many are faithfully employed and steady in
their Father’s work, while some are looking for an easier and more enjoyable path. All must come to themselves in order to return
their hearts to their Heavenly Father and ultimately to return to His home. I believe,especially for those prone to wander, that He is
watching from a great way off, hoping for—even anticipating— that grand reunion.

I love the opportunity to teach. I think I would call it discovery more than teaching, as I notice that “where two or three are gathered
together in my name,…. there will I be in the midst of them.” (D&C 6:32). Having the spirit of the Lord in our midst when we discuss
spiritual things has a synergistic effect on our understanding. I love those moments when I understand something more clearly than
I ever have before. That understanding usually comes from discussions I have with others or as I read the scriptures myself, seeking
to have the spirit teach me something that I did not yet know.

In our teaching and discussion, we can learn a great deal from the experience of others. Especially the examples we find in the
scriptures. I try to find those examples as I read, and am rarely disappointed at the discoveries.

1st Nephi chapter 17 is a great example. Nephi is giving encouragement to his rebellious brothers—as he often did—to stop their
murmuring and be faithful in following their father and the Lord’s commandments. His method for doing so is noteworthy. Starting in
verse 23 we read:

23…I, Nephi, spake unto them, saying: Do ye believe that our fathers, who were the children of Israel, would have been led away
out of the hands of the Egyptians if they had not hearkened unto the words of the Lord?

He reminds them of the details of Moses leading the children of Israel from bondage in verse 24, then he begins to show us his
teaching pattern starting in verse 25. Notice the method he uses speaking to his brothers—and us.

25. Now ye know that the children of Israel were in bondage; and ye know that they were laden with tasks, which were grievous to
be borne; wherefore, ye know that it must be a good thing for them, that they should be brought out of bondage.

26. Now ye know that Moses was commanded of the Lord to do that great work; and ye know that by his word the waters of the Red
Sea were divided hither and thither, and they passed through on dry ground.

27. But ye know that the Egyptians were drowned in the Red Sea, who were the armies of Pharoah.

28. Yea, and ye also know that Moses by his word according to the power of God which was in him, smote the rock, and there came
forth water, that the children of Israel might quench their thirst.

Nephi is drawing on the knowledge that his brothers had been taught about the history of God and His faithfulness to His people. If
Lehi’s family had not rehearsed these stories and been taught to believe them, none of this would have had any relevance to Laman
and Lemuel at all.

Later in the same chapter, Nephi continues by drawing the correlation between their own travel across the wilderness and how it
was very similar to Moses’ time. Then asks them to self reflect on their own experience and make the comparison as to how they
have been responding to the Lord’s commandments. The implication becomes clear. Is the Lord going to treat us and our journey
like He did the children of Israel? Are we going to be willing to follow the commandments to leave and go to a better land? Is our
faith sufficient to endure the journey and receive the blessing?

He is trying to help them see themselves in the story of an unchanging God, who takes us from our homes (both good and bad
sometimes) and leads us to another land. In this dispensation, the same happened to the pioneers. Those who were faithful had
many struggles and received many blessings, including additional faith that likely could not come to them in any other way.

Nephi uses the history of his people to help his brothers understand how they should act to get the same blessings. The same is
true for us today. We can (and often do) recount the stories of the blessings and hardships that accompanied the early pioneers as
an example of how we should act when the Lord has us do difficult things to bolster our faith.
Here is the important part: if we do not know our history or the scripture stories, we do not have the resources to draw from those
experiences. Lehi undoubtedly taught his children of these peoples. We must teach ours as well, if they are to have the necessary
faith to draw on to strengthen them in their various journeys. It is important to note that Laman and Lemuel were temporarily
persuaded, but later fell back to their sinful ways. Teaching does not always guarantee the outcome we would like to have with all of
our children, but no teaching means that none of them will have the opportunity to choose to be obedient.

The larger metaphor for all of this is that life itself is our pioneer journey. We were taken from a Heavenly home to cross the
wilderness (plains) of mortality. Those who seek the counsel of the Lord and obey his commandments are not guaranteed a smooth
passage, but they are promised a level of faith that will ensure —through the struggles—that they will be given a land of promise.
This, of course, means returning to our Heavenly home in the presence of God.

We are much better prepared and equipped for the journey if we are paying close attention to the experiences of others who have
crossed the same wilderness (or others like it). We can learn a great deal from Moses and the children of Israel, from Lehi and his
family, and from Mormon pioneers in our generation. Even from the faithful in our own lives who have shown great faith and
resilience in the midst of trial. Sometimes there is a lack of provisions, terrible conditions and a host of potential problems. But as we
stay close to the counsel we receive from the Lord, we will reach the desired destination, even if we lose our earthly life in the
journey.

So, what do you know? Is it enough to draw on to keep you faithful as you cross the wilderness? Is the experience of others
sufficient to give you direction and hope in the journey?

I’m reminded of the words of the great poet Rudyard Kipling in his famous work “Recessional” from 1897, written about a time of
conflict and difficulty.

The second verse has always been my favorite, and gives me a clear reminder of how we should consider our blessings and
triumphs and never forget the hand of the Lord. It goes like this:

The tumult and the shouting dies;

The Captains and the Kings depart:

Still stands Thine ancient sacrifice,

An humble and a contrite heart.

Lord God of Hosts, be with us yet,

Lest we forget—lest we forget!

I hope I can continue to know the things I need to know and remember in order to make the journey, and that I will never forget.

We humans like to be in control. Our response to things we think are wrong is often to create a law or rule to control behavior
(usually someone else’s). The one thing we have a difficult time controlling is ourselves. It is ironic that we are often interested in
trying to control behavior through laws, then we use those same laws as a measure for what should be personal responsibility—
while we violate them.

Here is an example. If the speed limit is 65, what is the speed of the majority of cars? We all have our different theories about what
speed the local police officers will tolerate over the limit, but the common thought is around 4-8 miles per hour. Accordingly, most of
us are travelling between 69-73. Some of us are going a lot faster—but no need to mention names here.

The same pattern generally holds regardless of the speed limit. Most of us will see it as the benchmark and try to determine how
best to avoid it. We know there will never be enough policemen to catch us all! And besides, a friend told me you can get a very
good radar detector for about $350. Again, no need to mention names.
Not too long ago, I had my first opportunity to drive on the Autobahn in Germany. There are no speed limits there except occasional
construction zones. Being a guy that has always liked cars (and speed in general), it was a thrill for me to be going 120 miles an
hour—right up until that Porsche went by me like I was parked! Then I was just jealous.

While this information might be interesting, this post isn’t about going fast in cars or speed limits. It is about how we perceive and
avoid or embrace personal responsibility. We often make an attempt to enforce laws so that we don’t have to ask ourselves what
our own responsible behavior should be and then act on it. For some reason, being willing to control our own behavior is less
desirable than having someone else do it—or at least try to.

I was reminded of this concept recently when I saw a quote from Spencer W. Kimball, 12th president of the Church of Jesus Christ
of Latter-Day Saints. He said: “There ought to be a law, many say when corruption raises its ugly head, and our answer is that there
are laws—numerous laws which are not enforced; but our further answer is that you cannot legislate goodness and honor and
honesty. There must be a return to consciousness of those values.”

In a similar vein, Walter Williams said: “Policemen and laws can never replace customs, traditions and moral values as a means of
regulating human behavior. At best, the police and criminal justice system are the last desperate line of defense for a civilized
society. Our increased reliance on laws to regulate behavior is a measure of how uncivilized we’ve become.”

The scriptures give us some notable examples of this concept. I think of the children of Israel who were unwilling to climb the
mountain to meet God with Moses They wanted him to go—then come back and tell them what God said. The result was a list of 10
commandments—that they struggled to live by for 40 years. That list of 10 eventually turned into a codified nightmare, where the
number of steps one could walk on the Sabbath was one of a thousand regulations. Some are still in use today.

Contrary to all that regulation was the New Testament declaration of Jesus who proclaimed just two commandments. “Thou shalt
love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy
neighbor as thyself” (Mathew 22: 37;39). This magnificent declaration leaves to each individual what his or her personal
responsibility is, and if we are sincere, with our heart, soul and mind as he suggests, we will know through the power of the Holy
Ghost exactly what that means in our own lives, and can answer for ourselves regarding our compliance.

I saw this concept in real life practice while serving as a Bishop years ago in Southern California. The youth attended early morning
seminary in the Church building at 6am. It probably goes without saying that there were a few who rarely showed up and several
more who rolled in and struggled to stay awake. The exception to this was when a certain teacher was called. He didn’t berate them
for lack of attention or struggle to get them to participate. He just invited them to follow one simple rule in his class. It was: “Quench
not the spirit.”

This singular invitation required every student—encouraged by their respect and eventual love for this teacher– to consider how
their personal behavior was in conformance with that simple request. For the vast majority, they acted like a model class, as if there
were a dozen or more rules that were all strictly enforced.

The most significant indication for me was the number of kids that voluntarily requested an appointment to the Bishop’s office as if
they all got a memo on the same week. They came to share some things with me that they wanted to make right in their life. It was
rarely serious sin, but they were anxious to be clean. I would ask them—without revealing that several of their peers had also
come—what prompted them to make the call and the visit. Each had the same answer. Their seminary teacher had taught them
about the atonement that week, and they wanted the blessings that came from it. Apparently, no one had quenched the spirit,
because it was very much a part of their class and applicable in their lives.

Recently my oldest daughter called to talk about ideas for dealing with her “crazy kids”. (She has 5 of them (4 boys) and the oldest
is 12) I told her about this seminary teacher and his experience. She called me later to report what happened. She asked her kids to
tell her what the rules of the house were. She said they all mentioned one or two that they had heard, then she told them that none
of those rules applied anymore. They were all going to be replaced with one rule and it was “quench not the spirit.” The kids were
quiet for a moment, likely thinking about what that meant, then the 12 year old replied, “mom, that is a thousand rules!” The concept
of personal responsibility had become very clear to him.

I wonder if each of us could focus on that one simple rule or one like it used by this excellent teacher to quench not the spirit? I
believe it goes without much explanation that our compliance would be life changing. Our efforts might even remove our inclination
to think that there ought to be more laws.
I came home from serving a mission for the LDS Church in the March of 1982. Upon my return, I decided to stay at home and work
through the Spring and Summer before going to school in the Fall. This delay afforded me an opportunity that taught me a lesson
that I will never forget.

One of my father’s good friends owned a large farm. He was getting older and had very poor eyesight. He needed some help on the
farm and with delivering hay and grain to central Idaho and Utah. When he heard I was home, he called my dad and asked if I would
be willing to go to work for him. I accepted.

This farmer owned a Ford 9000 truck that had a double axle and pulled a trailer with a 15’ tongue. I had driven trucks before, but
nothing close to this big and never over the road for any distance. He had all the confidence in the world that I could get it done. I
went to the County seat, took the written test for a commercial drivers license (no driving test required!) and within an hour, I was
qualified—or at least legal—to be a truck driver.

I made a run or two to Ogden, Utah, which was about 4 hours away, and started to get comfortable driving the truck. I was careful
not to get into any tight spots as the front wheels on the trailer were not stationary, so backing that thing up was a bear! Like so
many things in life, once you start believing you are pretty good at something, you are likely headed for a challenge.

The farmer had an account in the Boise, Idaho area where he delivered hay pellets. From my hometown to Boise, the shortest route
is on a road that makes its way over the mountains near Sun Valley. It is a very scenic drive—in a car. Driving a truck with around
35 tons of hay pellets is a different experience!

I hadn’t been on that road for several years and didn’t remember where all the corners and ups and downs were. I was trying to be
cautious but also make reasonable time on the trip, so I would be off the road before there was much traffic. For the truck
enthusiasts, the big Ford had a 15 gear “Fuller Roadranger” transmission. That means if it was fully loaded, you may have to shift 15
times to get it to speed. That’s a lot of shifting!

Big trucks often use their transmissions to help with braking on downhills (watch for signs on your next mountain drive that say
“trucks use lower gears”). It helps them to keep their speed down without burning up their brakes. Holding back all that weight
against the force of gravity down a steep incline is serious business.

The problem with all those gears is that if you get into neutral between gears, the pressure on the transmission can make it difficult
to get it back into gear. Experienced truck drivers are very cautious about getting into this situation. They know that brakes alone are
rarely sufficient to stop a full load down a long incline. (Ever see a “Runaway truck ramp?” Now you know why they have them!)
Sorry about all the details, but just think of all the things you learned about driving a truck!

So, I am coasting along on a flat spot of road toward a curve. As I remembered from years earlier, the road stayed flat after the
curve before coming to a pretty steep downhill stretch. I figured I would grab a gear before the drop. As I came around the curve, I
realized my miscalculation. The drop started there and the road was fairly narrow. I had a distinct thought to stop the truck on the
edge of the road and grab a gear to start again. But, I saw the road was narrow, which might make it difficult to get off the road
enough to safely stop, and I figured I had another opportunity to stop a little later, so I ignored the thought and the ride began.

As I continued down the road, the incline got steep and the truck quickly picked up speed. I was using the brakes, but in a very short
time it was obvious that they were getting hot and didn’t have the stopping power to really slow me down much. Before long I could
see the smoke coming from the brakes in my rear view mirror. I knew I was in trouble. As the truck reached speeds over 80 miles an
hour, I came to an area in the two lane road where there were some fairly sharp curves. In order to keep the truck from going off the
road, I had to allow it to drift into the lane of oncoming traffic, using the entire two lanes to stay on the road. It took all of my strength
to hold onto the big steering wheel as the truck was sliding around the corners

By this point I had resigned myself to likely death, and now started praying that no other cars would be coming up the road in the
other direction, putting them directly in my path with no possible way to avoid a head on collision. My biggest fear became taking the
lives of other innocent people. I prayed that God would not allow that to happen. On two or three different corners, I would pass a
car going the other way, just after rounding a curve. I believe He answered my prayers.

After a harrowing ride of around 6-7 miles, the road flattened and I was able to get the truck stopped and pulled to the side of the
road. The brakes were smoking, and had gotten so hot that there were little flames that burst out every few seconds. I got down
from the truck, walked 20-30 yards into the desert and fell to my knees. My whole body was shaking uncontrollably as I thanked God
that I was alive.

I have reflected on that experience many times. The entire trauma could have been avoided if I had listened to that little prompting in
my head at the top of the hill, to stop and grab a gear. It would have also been wise to check my brakes to make sure they were in
good working order before ever leaving the farm. Hindsight is 20/20, they say, but foresight can be pretty helpful as well!
Sometimes we can get so caught up in getting to our destination that we don’t carefully consider the potential issues that might
await us on the journey and how we can best prepare. Other times, if we are not sensitive to the promptings we are entitled to
receive, we can find ourselves in bad situations that may have been avoided.

The journey can be a metaphor for our life. Sometimes we may not know the questions to ask, or have the experience to understand
the issues we might face, but we are not without resources. Others have made the journey before us and can provide valuable
guidance and recommendations, if we are willing to seek that help and then follow that counsel. I try to remember Gordon B.
Hinckley’s council. “Smart people learn from their mistakes, really smart people learn from the mistakes of others.”

Having been on this journey, here is what I suggest. If you know there are hills on your journey, and there always will be, check your
brakes, listen for promptings and stop to grab a gear before proceeding on the down hills. The journey will probably still be
unforgettable, but hopefully for better reasons.

Have you ever noticed how much effort goes into getting a really good parking spot? We all want to be right by the entrance to
whatever place we are going. The best spaces are the ones closest to the spots reserved for the handicapped. In fact, I have known
a few folks who go to significant lengths to get their own handicap placard for their car—even if it means taking one their aged
parents or grandparents have when they don’t drive anymore.

I have seen others honk and scream and give the #1 sign (middle finger up—I think that is what that means?) while trying to get into
a space that they believe was theirs I have also seen people leave nasty notes on a car that was parked over the lines, so as to
make it difficult—or impossible—to park in the spot next to them. Some other people will circle the lot near the building three or four
times, hoping that someone will be coming out to open a spot they can grab. I’m pretty sure most of us have seen—or participated—
in some form of this behavior. Hopefully it never got you arrested, or beat up!

Several years ago I was dealing with parking issues in a shopping center my company built. We had a fitness company as the major
tenant and a lot of smaller tenants that always complained about the fitness clients taking up the entire parking lot during the
morning and evening hours of peak traffic. It made it difficult for the customers of other businesses to find parking.

The discussion with the fitness company owner was enlightening, even funny as I thought about it. He told us how odd it is that
people will pay a monthly fee—sometimes a significant amount—to come to the gym and work out, but they always wanted easy
parking close by. It’s a little ironic, he said, to think they are coming to work out, but are worried about having to walk 50 extra yards
to get there. I wondered if any of his clients ever had that thought cross their mind.

Having this discussion made me rethink the issue of where I park and why. It also led me to create a system where I find the best
parking space every time. I’ve decided to share my secret with others. Here it is.

Whenever I go to a grocery store or big box retailer or even a restaurant, I notice that in most instances there seems to be a lot of
parking available on the edges of the lot, away from the entrance. Out there, I can often park so that no one is in either spot next to
me This limits the possibility of a kid swinging the door open and giving my car a nice dent, like my kids have done to others in the
past.

The really cool thing about these great parking spots, is the additional benefit I get from them—for free. (I can get a little geeky at
times with this kind of stuff, so try and follow along with my story problem). I figure if I park an average of 50 yards away from the
entrance, and walk in and then back out after shopping, I have walked about 300 feet each visit. If I visit one of these places 3 times
per week, that is 900 feet of walking times 4 weeks in the month which equals 3,600 feet of walking per month. Multiply 3,600 feet
by 12 months, that is equivalent to 43,200 feet of walking per year. (Almost done). I looked up how many feet in a mile (because I
thought I had forgotten from 5th grade—but I was right!), and it equals 5,280 feet. So divide 43,200 feet by 5,280 and you get 8.18
miles! WOW!

Now most of us think that probably isn’t far considering it is over the space of a full year, but I don’t think you can argue—no matter
how much you work out—that it is 8+ miles more than you walked last year! I started wondering how much money those gym users
could save if they just parked their car a mile away from the gym door, then walked or jogged to the front door and turned around
and walked or jogged back to their car! And just think how many more parking spaces would be available at the shopping center for
other customers! I think I just solved two problems with one solution!

Lots of you will think, sure that seems good, but it is 110 degrees (or 0, depending on where you live), and I am not going to walk
one step more than I have to! Well, that’s all good, but don’t complain to me about your pale skin and vitamin D deficiency from lack
of sunlight, or your common cold which doctors agree is caused by contaminated air (mostly from indoor areas) and not by the
temperature outside.

I could be wrong, but I’m starting to think walking that distance in the heat or the cold—or both—may end up being the very thing
that keeps you from getting what you currently think is the best parking spot. The handicap one! Just saying.

I have type 2 diabetes. I was diagnosed when I was 56 years old. My doctor told me it was partially genetic, and partially my
perpetual yearning for a cold Mountain Dew around 8am every morning. Apparently I didn’t fight off that feeling as much as I should
have. Another thing I love is ice cream! That urge hits around 8-9pm. “Malted Moo Shake” from Tillamook is a favorite, but
HaagenDazs Vanilla Swiss Almond is pretty much the Gold Standard. But alas, it all has lots of sugar, and sugar is now the enemy.

Have you ever noticed that when we are restricted from having something that we really like, or want,we tend to focus on it and want
it even more? I call this the Ice Cream Principle. As it relates to our kids, it can be stated like this: If you never let your kids have ice
cream, when they go to the neighbors they will eat all of their ice cream.

Now to be clear, my parents never forbade me from having ice cream. In fact, the Schwann man used to drop it by in the 3 gallon
tins at our house on a regular basis! Most of my friends came to my house on Sunday afternoon for ice cream, and some of my
mother’s homemade caramel corn. (You are probably making a connection by now with me and diabetes, but we can talk about that
later).

Mortality affords us the opportunity to make choices. We often call this Agency or Free Will. It is interesting to note, that although we
might be limited in the external choices we can make (if we are in prison for example), we still never lose the right to choose how to
respond to our circumstances and to others. We always get to make a choice and we always get to deal with the consequence of
those choices, both good and bad.

When someone tells us explicitly that we cannot choose for ourselves, we are often more determined than ever to prove them
wrong. Ever see a good kid from a good family with bright pink hair? How about a few extra earrings—or nose ring. Smoking?
Putting on different clothes once they leave the house? Tattoos? (This is the short list). Some kids—once they leave the house—go
all out to make up for lost choices!

Good choices are made from good information. I probably would have been a little less inclined toward Mountain Dew if I had known
all those years ago that it was gradually helping to kill my pancreas, or that ice cream also encourages that process. I have more
information now, and consequently make better choices than I used to now that I understand the real consequence of those
choices.

The issue is, if someone had simply told me that I could not have any Mountain Dew, without giving me the appropriate information
to determine why, it may well have encouraged me to continue my drinking or even add to it! There is a very real part of us that does
not like to be told what to do, especially when there is coercion involved.

This is how the Ice Cream Principle applies. If we coerce behavior from our kids instead of teaching good principles and moderation,
many of them will be inclined to hide their “bad behavior” from us when they have opportunity to do things that we don’t allow. Like
eating all the neighbors ice cream!

The flip side of this is that we raise kids who—wanting to believe and follow their parents—become Ice Cream Nazis! Ice cream
becomes evil and the means for ruining future generations! They focus so much on promoting –even coercing—their beliefs, that
they lose sight of things that are likely the “weightier matters of the law.” I was in a Ward once where every Gospel Doctrine lesson
was hi-jacked by a single individual into a discussion of the evils of fast food. Eating a Big Mac became akin to cheating on your
wife! You get the point—I hope.

I was teaching in a Sunday School class a couple of years ago and I explained the Ice Cream Principle. A man in his 30s started to
laugh out loud. He then shared his experience with a mission companion that bought a half gallon of ice cream every P-Day. When
he got back to their apartment, he would eat the entire container before he even put the other groceries away, and then ask his
companion if he could have some of his. His explanation was that his parents never let them have ice cream in their home. In his
case (and it isn’t uncommon), that turned into some unhealthy behavior.

Eating too much ice cream may eventually damage your pancreas, not to mention your waistline! Having absolute restrictions
without good information and some options to choose can often be even worse.
Make sure you give your kids good information so they have the ability to make a wise choice. I’m sticking with the Vanilla Swiss
Almond–in much smaller portions!

True conversion is a difficult thing to describe. To some it seems to happen in a moment of clarity or at a “miraculous” experience.
To others it might take a lifetime. Some may be faithfully religious all of their lives, but not seem to feel deeply the things they adhere
to. What evidence is there that a person is truly converted? As usual, I think the scriptures can show us a couple of patterns.

Alma (as the High Priest) gave a sermon on the topic using these words: “And now behold, I say unto you, my brethren, if ye have
experienced a change of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the song of redeeming love, I would ask, can you feel so now?” (Alma
5:26) Alma continues by suggesting that evidence for this “song of redeeming love” shows up in our behavior. He asks if we are
keeping ourselves “blameless before God,”and “sufficiently humble” with “your garments …cleansed and made white through the
blood of Christ.” His sermon continues with criteria for being “humble”, “without envy” and not making “a mock of his brother” or
“heapeth upon him persecutions.”

If those phrases haven’t scared you off, you will continue reading to learn that you must “repent” and “bring forth works of
righteousness” or you shall be “hewn down and cast into the fire.”

King Benjamin’s address expresses it a little differently, with the discussion centered on the Atonement of Christ and its application,
then speaking of the “natural man” as an “enemy to God” who must “yield to the enticings of the Holy Spirit and put off the natural
man” and become “ a saint.” There are several similar sermons in the scriptures, many of which make me a little nervous (especially
when I recognize some “natural man” tendencies in my own life).

Over the years, I have tried to become a person worthy of the sacrifice that Christ made on my behalf, but more than a couple times
have feared that I came up on the short end of the stick! Then one day, while reading the Book of Enos, I had an epiphany. It helped
me feel a little better about tossing my to-do list of sins I need to overcome and my other to-do list of things I need to do better.
There are a lot of sins of “commission” and “omission.”

Here is what I learned from Enos (which is why I call it the “Enos Principle”). I especially liked that I learned it from him, because he
doesn’t strike me as a Nephi or an Alma or a Captain Moroni. His contribution to the Book of Mormon was a single chapter about his
personal experience. Those other guys had a lot more to say, most of which makes me look bad! So follow along. If you are a little
less prophet status—like me—I think you will be able to relate. Let’s consider it together.

Enos starts by telling us he was taught by his father because his father was a “just man.” (There is an entirely different lesson right
there that we will talk about another time.) Enos then tells of the “wrestle” he had “before God” in order to receive a “remission of my
sins.” I think that is what we all want—to be forgiven, right? He goes on to say that the words his father taught “sunk deep into his
heart” while “hunting beasts in the forest.” There is something to be said for being out in nature—seriously. It is interesting that Enos
began to pray for forgiveness of his sins. The spirit must have been prompting him that he had sins and they must be forgiven, or
maybe he just read the conference talks of King Benjamin and Alma! Either way, he knew he had sin and he knew it needed
forgiving, and he also knew that God was the one to go to for that help.

Here comes the conversion part. After praying all day and into the night (that alone shows me some serious conversion effort), he
heard a voice that told him: “Enos they sins are forgiven thee, and thou shalt be blessed.” That was a successful hunting trip! That
feels like conversion to me—but it isn’t the whole story. After this miraculous “conversion” and forgiveness, Enos starts to think
about someone other than himself. He has the blessing, now he wants the same thing for his “brethren, the Nephites.”

The praying starts up again, until he gets an assurance that his brethren have the same opportunity as he has, and the Lord will
honor the promises to them that he has to Enos. He starts to see, in that moment, the goodness and power of God and then with
renewed faith and determination he starts the prayer process again, only this time on behalf of his enemies the Lamanites! He
petitions the Lord, that in case the Nephites do not seek their own blessings and fall away, that the record will be preserved on
behalf of the Lamanites so that they would get this opportunity as well.

Do you see the pattern of conversion? It’s not a long list of dos and don’ts. It is an effort to be forgiven of our sins, then an effort to
bless the lives of those closest to us so they are also forgiven, and finally an effort to bless the lives of all of God’s children. Even
our enemies! I believe our level of conversion is evidenced by who we are focused on. In the early stages it is getting our life right
before God. As conversion progresses, it turns towards others. The Savior’s life is a perfect example. Everything he did was for the
benefit of mankind and not for himself. When we are truly converted, we will strive to be like him. We won’t have time to check all
the do and don’t boxes. We will be too busy “lifting the hands that hang down” and “strengthening the feeble knees.” We will make
efforts to “visit the fatherless and the widows and keep ourselves unspotted from the world,” and we will seek to resolve issues and
show goodness to those with whom we have had issues in the past.

We can be assured that when we are solely focused on our own life and not on others around us (especially when that focus is on
self promotion and not on forgiveness of our sins) that we are not yet fully converted. I don’t think it is a coincidence that Satan
wants us to fixate on ourselves. He was exactly the same in the premortal life. He was willing to do the work of salvation, as long as
he got the glory! It just occurred to me that I’ll bet he hates not having an Instagram, Twitter or Facebook account! Just think of how
many more followers he could have!

For much of my adult life, there seems to be an ongoing discussion about the literal interpretation of the Bible and other scriptures.
The argument is centered around “rational” belief and whether or not the things we read in the scriptures actually occurred in real
life. And if they did, how would one ever “prove” it? Some believe that we are questioning our belief in the existence and power of
God to suggest that he couldn’t have made the miraculous things happen that are recorded there.

Let’s use Jonah as an example. Did he really get swallowed by a whale and spend three days in the whale’s belly? Could a man
survive in those conditions? How about Noah? Can one man (and his family) build an Ark that would hold a pair of every animal
species with room enough to feed and care for them for a significant period of time? And how did he catch those lions, tigers and
bears, oh my? (A little Wizard of OZ humor!)

Let me first say, that I have no intention to diminish faith. If you believe in God (and I do), then you likely believe (like I do) that God
has the capacity and intelligence to do whatever He wants. He could keep Jonah alive in the belly of a whale and he could make
those animals walk into the ark by His suggestive powers alone—or by whatever other method He wanted to use. The One who
created life and natural laws very likely has the power to suspend those laws, and preserve that life beyond what we understand. I’m
good with that explanation, but I’m not sure that is the point.

Could the messages of the scriptures be true without being “factual” (as we use that term)? Jesus gives us several examples for our
consideration in His teachings in the New Testament. Here is one: was there really a “man who fell among thieves” that was helped
by a Samaritan? Maybe, maybe not. Does it make the story and the point less applicable in our lives if there wasn’t?

Let’s consider the story of Jonah again, thinking about it in a little different way. We can let the scripture language speak here: “Now
the word of the Lord came unto Jonah…saying. Arise, go to Nineveh, that great city, and cry against it; for their wickedness is come
up before me.”

“But Jonah rose up to flee unto Tarshish from the presence of the Lord, and went down to Joppa; and found a ship going to
Tarshish: so he paid the fare thereof, and went down into it, to go with them unto Tarshish from the presence of the Lord.”

Have you ever had the “word of the Lord” come unto you? Did you flee from it or just turn up the TV and try not to notice? Maybe
you were nervous about the reception you would get. Maybe (like Jonah) you didn’t like those people you were supposed to go visit.
My favorite approach is to make a mental note about how I can go do what He told me a little later on! Then I head off on my journey
the other direction. In no time at all, I’m “swallowed up” and am nowhere near the place I should be to follow those promptings, and I
have missed out on the blessings that were offered for my obedience. The places I “flee” to aren’t evil places, they just aren’t the
places the Lord asked me to go!

Being swallowed by a whale is (to me) a perfect metaphor. I literally get “swallowed up” by the cares of the world all the time. And as
much as I hate to admit it, it is often when I have been prompted or “enticed” (as Moroni defines it) by the spirit of the Lord to go and
do some good thing. The lesson for us continues, through the Lord’s example as He keeps encouraging Jonah to “go and do”. I
believe God could figure out a way to accomplish the task without Jonah, or find someone else less prone to be swallowed up on
the way, but he loved Jonah and wanted him to have the opportunity and growth that would come from the experience. He keeps
trying to lead all of us. The scriptures tell us “His arm is stretched out still…”. Sadly, many of us keep getting swallowed up and
headed in another direction.

The same analysis can be done with Noah and the Ark. I think it is clear (and prophetic) that those who try to be obedient, and share
that invitation with others, are given clear instruction about what they need to do to survive the coming “storms” of life. (The boat
becomes a very obvious metaphor for that salvation). The fact that he chose to save animals is indicative of the significance of our
right to choose (Agency) and the responsibility that comes with the human experience. God could have just created more animals
after these all drowned. But I believe animals are not under the same obligation as those with higher intelligence that can choose to
follow the Lord’s counsel or ignore it and suffer the consequence. All dogs go to Heaven—right? I believe there is a very clear
lesson about our responsibility to choose.

So back to the question. Did Jonah really get swallowed by a whale? My answer is: it doesn’t matter. The message of the scriptures
is clear and has real life application to me whether it is factual or just true. The clear message from the scriptures is that we should
be obedient and try not to get swallowed up when the Lord has something important for us to do. I especially want to avoid a real
whale—that would be gross!
The first verse of the first chapter of the Book of Mormon has likely been quoted by millions! Most of us in the Church have read that
part a lot. The familiarity of it is not the significant part to me. The pattern it establishes is. Let’s take a look.

“I Nephi, having been born of goodly parents, therefore I was taught somewhat in all the learning of my father…” . Nephi gives us a
definition of “goodly parents”. They are the ones that teach their children everything they know. The record of Enos shows us the
same pattern. The first verse of that book says: “..I Enos, knowing my father that he was a just man—for he taught me in his
language, and also in the nurture and admonition of the Lord…” King Benjamin understood the good parent thing too, as noted in
Mosiah 1:2. “And it came to pass that he had three sons, and he called their names Mosiah, Helorum, and Helaman. And he
caused that they should be taught in all the language of his fathers…and he also taught them concerning the records which were
engraven on the plates of brass…”

One of the most significant examples of the purpose and impact of this teaching is found in the story of Alma the Younger, whom the
scriptures tell us was “the vilest of sinners”. In the midst of the experience with an angel who commanded him to stop trying to
destroy the church, he was “racked with torment, while I was harrowed up by the memory of my many sins.” It was at this moment
that Alma had this experience. “I remembered also to have heard my father prophesy unto the people concerning the coming of
one Jesus Christ, the Son of God.” (Alma 36: 17) It seems that Alma had also been taught, but maybe wasn’t that interested— until
it really mattered! That teaching saved him.

There are at least a dozen other great references to parents who taught their children in the scriptures, but I think these examples
are sufficient for now to make the point. (Maybe you can go find more later for a Family Home Evening lesson with your kids).

I think it is very interesting that the three boys (Nephi, Enos and Alma), in the end, all came to similar conclusions because of the
teaching of their parents. But none of them took the same route. Nephi was absolutely obedient from the start. He believed and
wanted to know and understand the words of his father. While we don’t know a lot about Enos, his minimal contribution to the Book
of Mormon record indicates that he was probably not a significant prophet. He fully grasped his father’s teachings when he had time
to think in the forest while hunting beasts. I even heard that he might have been hunting on Sunday? (just kidding). Alma was the
other extreme from Nephi with Enos somewhere in the middle.

So what is the single factor found in all of their lives that brought them to understanding and a change of heart? It was the teachings
of their parents. All of us likely know someone in the Church who has had a Nephi and Enos and Alma. Maybe one or more of them
are in our own family. There is never a guarantee that kids will believe, or come to understand or repent, but there is a guarantee
that if they are not taught,the likelihood of their faithfulness diminishes drastically! The examples above also show us that the role of
parents is pretty much limited to teaching. How well our teaching is received is influenced both by the effectiveness of how we teach
and the willingness (because of agency) on the part of our children to believe and follow it. Like the father of the prodigal son,
sometimes our teaching is followed up with wringing our hands and ..”watching from a far way off..”, hoping that what we taught
eventually kicks in with the desired result.

So what do we teach our children? I will let you figure that one out as it will be personal to your own family. We can start by thinking
about everything we think they should know to find happiness and success in life, like education, finance, relationships etc. We can
end by making sure they understand the Gospel Plan and the role of the Savior. Nephi gives us a good example: “And we talk of
Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our children
may know to what source they may look for a remission of sins.” (2 Nephi 25:26)

I hope you have more Nephi’s than Alma’s. More important than that, I hope you teach all within your responsibility, so no matter the
road they choose, they will understand what they need to do to end in the right place. Hopefully we can share in the sentiment of
John: “I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth.” (3 John 1:4)

I enjoy reading about the lives of people who lived before us. Their examples (both good and bad) can teach us a great deal about
how we should live our own lives. Recently I was reading about Phoebe Woodruff. Those who are members of the Church of Jesus
Christ of Latter-Day Saints will likely recognize her as the wife of Wilford Woodruff, the fourth President of the Church. Phoebe was
a remarkable woman. She left her home and family (much to their disappointment) in the New England states and moved to
Nauvoo, Illinois where she became a Latter-Day Saint and later married Wilford. Phoebe’s story is one of complete dedication to her
new faith and husband. She served with Wilford on missions both foreign and in the United States, and traveled extensively for the
cause.

The most remarkable thing to me about Phoebe is that through all this traveling and service, she mothered nine children. Five of
those children died, four of them less than 3 years old. The fifth child was 14. Phoebe buried those five children in four different
states, in hand dug graves in places where she had temporarily stopped on her journeys from the Midwest states to Utah. She left
them shortly after burial with the understanding that she would likely never be at those grave sites again. As I read of Phoebe’s
experiences, I wept. I marveled at the level of dedication she had in the midst of absolute heartbreak and trial.
In this tender moment I had a very distinct thought come to my mind. It occurred to me that one day I would be in the presence of
God to give an accounting for my own mortal existence. What had I done with my time? Who had I served? What was my
contribution? While these thoughts came to mind, I realized that Phoebe (and thousands of others like her) might be there too. How
would I ever measure up if I had to report with them present? Then another thought came to mind. It occurred to me that God might
be a mathematician.

I have come to believe that God knows every one of us in a personal way. Within the incredible details of the creation, He has the
capacity to create environments and circumstances that are unique to each of His children based on their capacity and opportunities
for growth. It might be that we each have our personal algorithm for life designed to give opportunities and blessings based on our
choices. Each is designed to maximize our growth. That is the purpose of His creations. “To bring to pass the immortality and
eternal life of man.” (Moses 1:39) He knows what life experiences will give us the tutoring necessary to progress to our own highest
capacity and He creates an earthly assignment to enhance that progress. It is different for all. Some have great hardships and trials.
Some have great riches and pride. All must use their agency to decide how they will respond and what growth or damnation (which
is the end of progress) will result from how they choose in the curriculum of their mortal experience. Those choices determine how
far we progress toward becoming like Him.

In these algorithms of life, there seems to be one common denominator in all of them. The one thing every person must give to fulfill
the entire measure of their creation, and maximize their mortal progress is simple. It is everything they have. The actual amount
given is irrelevant. The fact that it is everything we have is not. There are several patterns of this in the scriptures.

Jesus is the preeminent example. He always is. He “descended below them all” (D&C 122:8) so that He could overcome all by given
everything he had. He suffered and bled at every pore, then gave His life as His final mortal contribution. His capacity was like God,
and his sacrifice and contribution matched that capacity.

Consider also the widow of Zarephath, who at the Prophet Elijah’s request, gave him the final bit (everything she had) of food. Upon
the making of her sacrifice, her contribution was accepted of the Lord.

The widow’s mite is another example of giving all. “And there came a certain poor widow, and she threw in two mites, which make a
farthing. And He called unto him his disciples, and saith unto them, Verily I say unto you, That this poor widow hath cast more in,
than all they which have cast into the treasury: For all they did cast in of their abundance; but she of her want did cast in all that she
had, even all her living.” (Mark 12: 42-44) There is something about those whose mortal algorithm requires them to be widowed.
That especially difficult challenge seems to produce especially remarkable faith and the attendant willingness to give all.

Another had a similar requirement, but chose (as far as we know) a different path. He asked Jesus what he needed to do to gain
eternal life. When Jesus explained the need to keep the commandments he responded: “All these things have I kept from my youth
up: what lack I yet?” This was to be the moment he had to choose what he was willing to give. “Jesus said unto him, if thou wilt be
perfect, go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come and follow me. But when
the young man heard that saying, he went away sorrowful: for he had great possessions.” (Mathew 19: 20-22) I believe the Lord will
give him every blessing associated with his faithfulness, but by his own choice, he did not qualify for every blessing available to him.

I occasionally wonder about my own algorithm. What does the Lord require of me? The question is largely rhetorical. Every day of
my life I have the opportunity to choose to give all that I have, or to hold some back. The choice is my own and the blessing is
always given to match the sacrifice.

The prophet Joseph gave his life as a testament to his assignment. Phoebe Woodruff gave her life too, but while she was living it. In
both cases it was all that they had. I do not share their great capacity, so it is likely that I will not share in the same amount of
sacrifice they gave. I just have to give all that I have, even if it amounts to a farthing. And if my contribution is all that I have, the
Father has promised to give “all that He has”(D&C 84:38) in return.

I have often been surprised by the very different responses that people have to the same circumstances. Some see an occurrence
as a wonderful thing, while others think it is terrible. It is obviously an issue of perception. Our life experience helps us to determine
how we respond to circumstances and whether we see them in a good or bad light.

The journals of our pioneer ancestors offer some good examples. The journey from Nauvoo to the Salt Lake Valley was too much
for some to bear, so they struggled and complained. Some turned back and others stopped and settled along the way. Amongst
those who moved forward were many who saw the hand of the Lord in ways that changed their perception and their family legacy
for generations.
The scriptures also show us examples of this pattern, and may help us understand things that determine how we perceive our
experience. When Lehi announced his intention to take his family into the wilderness, the response from his children was to be
expected and varied a great deal between them. Nephi immediately sought to understand why they had been commanded to leave
and made efforts to “see the things his father saw.” Laman and Lemuel started complaining.

Nephi’s desire for understanding gave him an opportunity to see a remarkable vision (like his father had) and it changed his
perception—and his level of commitment to “go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded.” Laman and Lemuel never
sought the same vision or understanding, and even later told Nephi when he asked if they “had inquired of the Lord” that the “Lord
maketh no such thing known unto them.” In our family, we use a quote that we heard a long time ago: “The answer is always no if
you don’t ask.” In the case of Nephi’s brothers, there was no asking, and there was no knowing.

I have wondered as I have read this Lehi experience if Laman and Lemuel didn’t ask—and therefore didn’t know—because they
already had an idea of what the answer would be, and they didn’t want to be accountable to that answer. They didn’t want to leave
Jerusalem—for any reason—and so they made the choice to reject the idea outright and put the blame on their parents and brother.
This example has led me to teach my children that the first two signs of irresponsibility are anger and blame.

There is further evidence of this in their journey when Nephi became so frustrated with their bad attitudes that he told them to go
back to Jerusalem. If they didn’t want to follow their father, they should just go home. They declined the offer and kept up the
murmuring. Why? I believe they were afraid that the prophecy of their father might be true. If Jerusalem was to be destroyed, they
would be in a bad spot if they returned. That still wasn’t enough motivation for them to seek their own understanding and then
commit to doing the right thing. As long as they didn’t really know for themselves, they could pretend they were not responsible for
their behavior. It is always easier to be frustrated at your circumstances and blame others than it is to be accountable to
seek answers for yourself and then make choices based on what you come to know.

The same thing happened with the children of Israel. Moses invited them to prepare themselves to go with him to the top of the
mountain to seek the face of the Lord. (Exodus 20:21) They told him to go ahead and talk to the Lord and come back and tell them
what the Lord said. I don‘t think they really wanted to know. As a consequence, they didn’t get the full blessing. The answer they got
may have required them to do some hard things that they didn’t want to do. It was easier to blame their issues on Moses –or the
Lord—and be angry and rebellious when being told what they should do—even though it was a “lesser law.” What the Lord required
was irrelevant. Their attitude and level of personal responsibility didn’t change.

The “Natural Man” always seeks to avoid responsibility. He would rather continue to live in the easier path of no growth than the
harder path of sanctification. Rather than acknowledge what is real, he can just pretend that he doesn’t really know and therefore
can’t be accountable. Ignorance is no excuse for the violation of the law. Especially when the ignorance is feigned because the
access to knowledge is readily available.

This anger and blame pattern can become a good barometer of our own behavior. When we get angry at some issue in our life and
then look to blame others, we would do better to consider whether or not we have been given the answer or the opportunity to gain
the answer to solve our own problem. If we have, and didn’t act accordingly, the blame should reside directly with us.

A good example of the opposite of this anger and blame is found in the New Testament at the account of the Last Supper. Jesus
told his disciples that one of them was to betray him that very night. The response of those closest to him was not: “I’ll bet it is
Judas, he never really believed in you.” Instead they asked: “Is it I?” I believe they wanted to know so they could do all in their
power to avoid that terrible act.

Seeking the Lord and all good things often requires us to want to know, and then to be willing to take responsibility for that
knowledge once we receive it. The prophet Joseph Smith taught: “A man cannot be saved in ignorance.” He might have also added
that a man cannot be saved once he has knowledge and refuses to make serious efforts to abide by it.

We will do well, to consider how we respond to difficult circumstances in our life. Some of those circumstances might be our own
creations. Self reflection about our own behavior and our response to others around us in moments of challenge and change can
help us to strengthen our commitment to move forward in faith, and lessen the urge to get frustrated and point a finger at others.

Integrity and personal responsibility are difficult things sometimes, but they will always bless our lives more than anger and blame

Recently my wife and I attended a recital for an elite group of High School students that are part of a violin/fiddle group. It was
awesome! The groups’ instructor encouraged crowd participation as the kids played their various solo and group numbers, because
he explained that fiddle music is a participation art. It is intended to be enjoyed and danced to. Occasional yells of encouragement
were heard throughout the recital along with a lot of clapping and foot stomping. The whole evening was a lot of fun, and we were
really impressed with the talents of these young people.

I have a good friend (Shannon) who has always told me he wants a banjo player at his funeral. He tells me that–similar to fiddle
music– you can’t be sad when you are listening to a banjo, and he doesn’t want anyone crying! I think he is right. You might have
guessed (looking at his name) that he comes from Irish ancestry. Maybe that has made him especially fond of foot stomping type
music, or maybe he has something more to teach us about banjos at funerals.

Life is difficult. As I write this post, Shannon is recuperating from a bout with cancer. It looks like he will be ok, but it wasn’t without
some serious difficulties and a lot of pain from surgery and the attendant recovery that –to date—has lasted more than a couple of
months. He and his wife said it has been the most difficult thing they have encountered in life, and they have had more than their
share of difficult. In the midst of those kinds of experiences, most of us aren’t thinking about banjo music.

Having said that, having a banjo at a funeral teaches us something about our entire life experience. In the midst of some very
difficult experiences, we would do well to try and focus on the good things in life that ultimately make the suffering bearable, maybe
even more meaningful. We can find great purpose in what we have gone through with increased faith, tolerance, patience, sympathy
and empathy for others who suffer. We can learn something about our own strengths (and weaknesses) while seeking the help and
support of others. And occasionally, we can feel great gratitude for the experience, once the present challenge is over.

A banjo may help us remember the best things about our experience as opposed to dwelling on our losses. It can lift our spirits and
encourage us to move our feet and dance around a bit, if we still have the strength to do so. The music might also remind us of
people like Shannon, who has a smile and a unique handshake for everyone he meets. He has a lot of faith, too. He doesn’t seem
to stress too much about the little things, and is always a call away when a friend needs a hand.

I think his life experience has taught him that amidst a lot of challenge and difficulty there are some really good things, so we may as
well enjoy the banjo music to remind us of the positive, while working through the rest of it.

I hope Shannon gets well and stays that way for a long time, but I have to admit that I also hope I outlive him. Just for a week or two,
because I want to be at his funeral. I hope I will be sitting there at 85 or 102 or somewhere in between, tapping my cane to the banjo
music and remembering all the great things that happened in my life. I know I will be grateful for my association with Shannon, and
that he had a banjo at his funeral to remind me.

My wife and kids all believe that I have a terrible memory. I think I took a couple more shots to the head in high school football than I
should have. I assure them it doesn’t mean I have permanently damaged brain power. There are just some things I would prefer to
forget! (Especially when it is going to cost me time or money).

There are a few things that stick in my head for a long time. It seems my brain categorizes them in a “do not forget” file or
something. Most of these memories have had a lasting impact on my life. One of the memories from the “do not forget” file is a story
told in the General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in October 1981. Elder David B. Haight gave the
talk. I was able to meet Elder Haight and his wonderful wife Ruby about a year later when they visited the mission I was serving in.
That experience made it to the “do not forget” file also. They were remarkable people and very funny!

Wait, what was I talking about? Oh ya, Elder Haight’s talk. I’m just going to quote the story directly from him.

“Arturo Toscanini, the late, famous conductor of the New York Philharmonic Orchestra, received a brief, crumpled letter from a
lonely sheepherder in the remote mountain area of Wyoming:

Mr. Conductor: I have only two possessions—a radio and an old violin. The batteries in my radio are getting low and will soon die.
My violin is so out of tune I can’t use it. Please help me. Next Sunday when you begin your concert, sound a loud “A” so I can tune
my “A” string; then I can tune the other strings. When my radio batteries are dead, I’ll have my violin.

At the beginning of his next nationwide radio concert from Carnegie Hall, Toscanini announced: “For a dear friend and listener back
in the mountains of Wyoming the orchestra will now sound an “A.” The musicians all joined together in a perfect “A.”

The lonely sheepherder only needed one note, just a little help to get back in tune; he could go on from there. He needed someone
who cared to assist him with one string; the others would be easy. Then, with all the strings in tune—in harmony—the lonely
sheepherder would have a source of companionship and joy and could play uplifting strains.”
I don’t think I will ever forget that message. To me it has perfect pitch. There have been numerous times in my life (that I remember)
where I needed a note and someone played it for me. It helped me remember who I am and make a serious effort to get—or keep—
my life in tune. These notes seem to literally strike a chord deep within me that I cannot hear in any other way. I believe it is the
Spirit of God that helps us make a connection to our eternal nature and encourages good in our life.

Even more fulfilling than hearing the perfect note in my life is an occasional opportunity to play the note for someone else. This
experience is almost always in the form of giving service or just kindness to another who is feeling their life is out of tune. Such an
experience happened for me years ago.

A member of my Ward (congregation) asked me to go and visit an elderly family member in a hospital about 30 miles from my
home. I had never met him, but loved his extended family, and agreed to go. I went, visited for a while and gave a Priesthood
blessing. I felt good about having made an effort to help, but the note played that day was as much to me as anyone else and
unrelated to our visit.

As I exited the hospital elevator and started across the lobby, I saw a woman seated on a lobby bench. She looked tired and her
face appeared much older than the age I would have guessed her to be. Both of her wrists were bandaged in rather large white
wraps. I could only imagine her life experience and suffering. As I walked by I got a distinct impression that I should tell her that she
was of great worth and God was mindful of her. I continued walking toward the door thinking how awkward that would be, but the
note persisted.

A couple of steps out of the door I realized I would regret not following this thought, so I turned around and went back.

She was sitting on a bench and had dropped her head down staring at the floor. I walked to her. She didn’t lift her head, so I knelt in
front of her. Her eyes came up to meet mine. Her face remained expressionless ; she just looked at me. I told her that I was sent to
give her a message. It was that she is a beautiful person and a child of God and that He knows her and is aware of her troubles. Her
reaction was one of those moments my bad memory stored forever. Her countenance changed. She seemed to wonder if what I
said could really be true, and then big tears started to roll down her cheeks. She never said a word. She didn’t need to. I left the
hospital with a full heart and tear filled eyes. Even though I was the one sent to play the note, my experience hearing it was as
powerful as hers. Someone else was the conductor for the benefit of both of us. He always is. This conductor sends out a perfect
pitch every time. I hope we will learn to hear it and tune our lives to be in harmony.

Recently I attended the funeral of a good friend. I don’t mean “good” in the sense that we were really close or spent a lot of time
together. In fact, I think I have seen him only 2 or 3 times over the last 20 or so years. Those visits were usually at a High School
Class Reunion that came along every 10 years. Now at the age of 58, Keith had been diagnosed with brain cancer, and after a
valiant fight of almost a year, he lost the battle for his life.

When I learned that Keith’s passing was imminent, I felt the need to go and see him. I took a flight and rented a car and drove to our
hometown where he and his wife (Louise) of over 35 years still lived. This visit was one I will never forget. He greeted me at the door
with his familiar big smile and a hug. Our association was immediately renewed as if we had been in touch all along. I told him that I
thought he looked good and asked him how he was doing. Keith was never one to mince words or put up a front. His answer was
straight up—just like he was. “Not worth a damn,” he said with a smile.

We talked about our common friends and memories. He introduced me to his adult children and several of his grandchildren that
were there visiting at his home. We laughed a lot—Keith and Louise always did—then we talked about the seriousness of his
situation and what lay ahead for him and his family. I could tell Keith was beginning to tire and I realized we had been there for a
couple of hours! We shared some final thoughts and then a family moment that was -–to me—a sacred time.

There were tears and a long embrace and a final goodbye. It was indeed final, as Keith passed away just two weeks after our visit.

During our visit, and later at his viewing and funeral, I learned a few things about Keith that I didn’t know. I was reminded that he had
spent most of his working life as a mechanic working on John Deere tractors. I know Keith enough to know that he was good at what
he did, and he loved it. He was loyal to the John Deere brand, and he seemed to enjoy whatever work he did. That work was an
integral part of the meaning of his life. It was also an integral part of his funeral.

The family held a viewing the night before his funeral. The line of visitors stretched into the street and took a couple of hours to get
through. The next day, as I pulled into the small town to attend his funeral, I saw lined up across the street from the church 10 John
Deere tractors! When the service was over, those tractors, driven by friends, led the hearse and the funeral procession for the first
mile and a half through town and out the other end. There they pulled to the side of the road and formed a line as those following the
hearse drove by. As the procession continued down the road, other locals had pulled their John Deere tractors out by the highway
and families were standing by waving as we passed. Even his casket was painted John Deere green and yellow, and the family
members all wore green ties.

This is where I explain the “good” part. Keith was a good man. He loved his family and he took care of them. He taught his children
to be respectful and kind. He and Louise loved each other in a way that most married couples would envy. He loved his work and
devoted his time to doing it well, and he loved John Deere tractors. Keith was the kind of guy that would give you the shirt from his
back and walk the extra mile with enthusiasm. He had great influence on the Boy Scouts in the troop he worked with and served
others throughout his life. He was faithful to what he believed and encouraged belief and integrity in the lives of others. And he was
funny, always making those around him laugh.

I am so grateful I got to spend a couple more hours with Keith, and disappointed that I had not made better efforts to spend more
when I had the chance. I have learned that being around good men and women can help each of us be a little better in our own
lives, and heaven knows I could have benefitted from that association.

From Keith’s example, I can strive to be a better man. I can show more love to those around me and more commitment –even love
for –my life’s work. I can laugh more and try to bless others. When my life is complete, I hope to be—like Keith—a good man.

This is my 17th year of coaching Little League baseball. That is a consequence of having children over a span of 23 years! I have
always loved it, and learned a lot of lessons along the way. Watching a former Little League player pitch on television for a Major
League team was a highlight. From that, I learned that even inadequate coaching at a young age can’t mess up the few who have
really great talent and are willing to devote most of their time and energy in their early years to improving their skills. I have also
learned that parents can get really focused and stressed about how their child is doing in comparison to everyone else. It’s about the
kids, right? Not usually. There is a delicate balance between helping kids develop skill and gain confidence versus making sure they
win. Really good things (like baseball) can have some pretty damaging effects with the wrong approach.. The opposite can also be
true.

Perhaps the biggest lesson I have learned is a lesson that applies to all of life. The only things we get are the things we really
want and choose for ourselves. A friend of mine who retired from the U.S. Air Force after twenty some years always says: “We
can teach you some skill, unless you don’t have the will.” The truth of that statement is very evident in Little League baseball.
Every team with players from 8-12 years old that I have ever coached proves this point. (Once kids get 12 and older, most of the
kids I am talking about are no longer playing). If they want to learn to play baseball, they can make big strides in a fairly short
amount of time. If they are there for any other reason, they show up to practice and games for a couple of months, and are pretty
much at the same level of skill as when they started. Sometimes parents keep hoping and dropping kids off year after year with the
same result.

The difference is what the kid really wants and his/her level of desire to get it. Parents really want their kids to participate and
excel at everything they do. So parents hope the kids want to play or hope they will start to enjoy it or hope that being around other
kids will give them a desire or hope that stories of their own Little League experience will inspire them, but as my same Air Force
friend always says: “Hope ain’t a plan.” “Fake it until you make it” only applies if, after we understand what is required for success,
we really want to make it at all. Some kids and adults don’t, and that’s okay.. But as a parent, should we promote fantasy over real
life accomplishment?

Accomplishing our goals in life comes down to making a personal assessment as to whether or not we really want them, then
overcoming our personal fears and committing to a realistic plan to get there. Then sticking to that plan. All accomplishment (for us
and our children) is first based in our deepest desires. If we don’t really desire it, we are not likely to get focused enough to make it
happen. This shows up in my Little Leaguers on a hot day in the 3rd or 4th inning: “Do we have to go back in the field again?” “Who
has treats today?” As adults, we do the same things. “I’m too tired this morning.” “I’m probably not qualified to get that promotion
anyway.” You get the idea.

Eventually it all comes down to what we want from life as opposed to a wish we have of getting something that we are not willing to
sacrifice for. I often tell my kids that whatever we get for free has no real value to us. This desire for success without a desire to
do what is needed to get it is one of the very basic causes of addictive behaviors. All of us want the cash, the car, the girl (or boy),
the Major League contract, etc. And with the help of technology, there is a readily available fantasy that can appease almost any
desire—for a short time. When the difficulties associated with working toward a good end start to push on us, some escape the
pressure with a “quick fix” of that fantasy in the form of a video game, social media or pornography that makes us feel great for a
short time but pushes us further away from the real goals we want to achieve, not to mention potentially trapping us in long term,
self destructive behaviors.

So, we ought to look deeply at who we are and what we really want. We should be careful about letting peers, media, the influences
all around us—even parents —make our determination for us. If they do, our desires will lack the necessary motivation we must
have to get what we want. Once we have really assessed our desires, we will be ready to make a plan to accomplish our goals and
we will be realistic about putting in the persistent effort to reach them. Not wanting to work hard playing Little League isn’t a terrible
thing, as long as you don’t expect to be on television pitching in the Major Leagues. That’s just fantasy.

The boys in our family have been very involved in golf. The girls never took an interest in playing. It all started several years ago
when our oldest son tried out for and made the high school baseball team. The coach told him that he kept him to be a relief pitcher
and he would probably get to play just an inning or two each week. They planned to practice a lot during the school year, and all
summer as well. He wasn’t very excited about spending 15-20 hours a week at practice so he could play an inning or two. As his
father, my focus was only that he choose something to do that required some hard work and perseverance to get good at it. He
decided to play golf.

I liked golf, but never played as a young man, and rarely as an adult. I never was good at it, and didn’t have the time to get better.
Soon after my son started to play, and I started to watch his progress, I got converted to the game. It became obvious to me that
golf has a lot of parallels to life. I could spend an hour talking about the need to be patient, to never give up—because conditions
change quickly—to be focused on what you are trying to do, and not on what you are trying to avoid. There are lessons on the value
of repentance, when you hit a shot into the trees, and must take a stroke to play it out sideways before you can advance the ball. If
you try to force a shot, you can be in more trouble than you were before. There are lessons about being focused and calm without
over-thinking the swing. And of course there are lessons to be learned from the fact that every course is different and the conditions
change on every shot.

The most significant thing to me about golf is that I could spend 3-4 hours playing with a son while having a discussion about all of
the issues related to golf, but about life in general as well. It became our father and son discussion time. Our four boys all play, so
we have spent a lot of time together and seen some very pretty places.

Amongst the many lessons and rules of golf is one that I believe sums up life very well: you must play the ball where it lies. This
means that wherever your ball ends up after you hit it, you have to hit your next shot from right there (with a couple of rare
exceptions). You can’t move it from behind a tree, or set it on some nicer grass, or even move it out of the divot that was made by
another player! You can’t kick it into the open when you think no one is watching, and you have to have enough integrity to abide by
the rules, even if there really is no one watching!

Life is the same. Sometimes we make bad “shots” that put us in a bad place. Sometimes we get a bad bounce or a “dry spot” with
no grass that had nothing to do with how well we hit the ball, but still impacts our next shot. All of us have done dumb things (or if
you are perfect, you have seen others do them) and have to decide if we are going to “repent” and take a penalty stroke to get back
in the right direction, or keep trying to hack through the trees. We might even be tempted to kick the ball into the clear. Some get
bad bounces or conditions in life that had nothing to do with choices, like disease, accidents, etc. No matter how we got there or
why, we have to play it where it lies.

Here is where our choices make a big difference. When we make mistakes, we can learn to correct them quickly without permanent
harm, by working on our swing (life skills). If we gain more knowledge and understanding, we are better prepared to make better
“shots” (decisions), and our “score”(accomplishments) will improve, not to mention our “round” (life) will be more pleasant. If we are
in a bad “lie” (circumstance) that had nothing to do with our own choice, we can decide to be angry, resentful and even take on a
victim role. None of these approaches improve our “lie”(circumstance) or help our next “shot”(decision). In fact, these responses
actually increase the likelihood that we will continue to have a bad “round” (life).

So what are the best options? First, we should work at getting better at the game. More training and education, healthier habits, a
positive attitude, a better support group and increased faith can all help us when we have tough shots to make. When we make
good swings and still get bad results, we should look for positive ways to avoid further difficulties, try our best to resist the urge to
give up, and seek help from others around us for ideas, love and moral support.

Life—and golf—are never completely fair. But both of them can be incredible teachers! We can learn a great deal and progress in so
many ways by continuing to improve our play and work on the weaknesses in our game regardless of our “lie” (circumstances).
Ultimately, that is what it is all about. The real winners are the ones that gain the most experience from hitting every kind of shot
there is in all kinds of circumstances. That is why the Savior “descended below them all” so that he could understand all of the “lies”
(circumstances) and “shots” (decisions). He is the best resource for helping us to be successful, especially when we have to play it
where it lies.

I’m getting close to retirement age. I have thought a lot over the years about how best to prepare for the next stages of life, and how
I can teach my kids the principles that will help them be happy at all their milestones along the way. One principle seems to apply to
the entire journey. It is this: a little bit over a long period of time equals a lot. Let me explain.
Surveys show that a lot of people my age have not saved enough money to retire comfortably. I have pointed this out to my kids and
then asked them how much they think they will need to have when they retire. The numbers they give vary widely based on their
current understanding of the value of money. After that discussion I talk to them about how they think they can save enough to have
a good retirement. The youngest ones all equate it with getting a really good job, or growing a really successful business and
making a lot of money so they are “rich”. I explain that those things will certainly make it easier, but there is another way, too. Then I
walk them through a little formula.

I ask them if they think they can put together an extra $25 per month from the time they are 15 years old until 20. To encourage
them, I point out that $25 per month is equivalent to a couple of lunches out these days. They agree it is possible. Then I explain
that if they started a little investment fund with $25 per month from 15-20 years old then made it $50 a month from 20-25 years old;
$75 a month from 25-30; $100 a month from 30-35 and then starting when they are 35 (and have a pretty decent career going) start
adding $150 per month until they are 65 years old the results would be significant. All of them think these numbers are way too low
because they are sure they will be making enough money to invest way more than my formula. I tell them that is great and I hope
they are right, but just to assume these numbers for our example.

Following this formula, and assuming an historical stock market rate of return (10%), they will have $1,070,000 when they turn 65.
When we adjust for inflation, the value will not be the same as today’s numbers, but if the buying power is cut in half making it just
$535,000, they would still have significantly higher amounts than the majority of retirees today.

If they are doing half as well as they think they will and change their monthly investment number to $350 per month when they turn
35 years old, that number at 65 will be $1,525,000. When you add Social Security (assuming it still exists!) and the equity value
grown in the home that they paid down /off during those years and their 401k and IRA from work, life insurance etc., they should be
just fine.

This post isn’t about financial planning. It’s about a Principle that applies to all of life. Here are a couple of other examples. Need to
lose some weight? (Most of us Americans do). Try cutting just one item from your daily food intake that is high in fat or sugar or
carbs. (Lots of folks can do this with soda). Cutting just one item while keeping the rest of your diet the same can make a big
difference over time. Or, start walking 15-20 minutes each day and leave your diet the same. Everyone I know has 15 minutes free,
just like my kids have $25 a month, if they want. It’s just a matter of deciding to do it now, as opposed to hoping something will
happen in the future that miraculously fixes our issue.

How about this one? Read a good book (or better yet the scriptures) for 15 minutes per day. That would equate to 6 hours a month,
even if you miss one day per week. It also equates to 72 hours per year. Bet you could learn a lot of good things from reading 72
hours per year!

Here is the real value of this. Once we try a little bit and allow it to go on for a while, we start to see our money grow, our wasteline
trim, our gospel understanding and faith increase. These successes become incredible motivation to increase our efforts. The
investment amount, the exercise and the reading times all increase because we start to see what our small efforts have produced
and we get very excited about more success. When I learned I had type 2 diabetes, I got determined to lose 15 pounds. I got more
motivated as the pounds came off and it became 25. Now I am realizing it can be 35, at which point I will be at my college age
weight. That feels pretty cool!

So often we are tempted to compare ourselves in our current state with our very best possible self. This leads to discouragement or
even depression, and feelings of hopelessness and failure. This is also one of the great dangers of social media, when we see the
very best presentation of someone else and compare it to our own very worst. We never look or feel good about that comparison.
Stop it! Consider what you really want, then without “psyching yourself out”, start with a very small adjustment on that path. You only
have to do it one day. Then eventually, it can become every day. You will very soon be able to see that a little bit over a long period
of time equals a lot.

I have a great pair of Cowboy boots in my closet that I have had for about 30 years. They aren’t worn out. Not just because they’re
good quality boots, but because they haven’t been used much. I usually give things away that I don’t use anymore, but these I keep.
They have special meaning to me, because they were given to me by a close relative. They also are a consistent reminder of a
lesson they have reinforced to me many times since I first got them.

When my wife and I were first married, we didn’t wait long to start a family. Once we got started, we didn’t quit—or slow down—the
process of child bearing for a long time. (Our youngest child came 22 years after our first!) Like a lot of folks in those early years of
marriage—and for quite a while after starting our family—we were poor as our church mice. We threw newspapers together while
attending college to pay bills. Melanie later worked in a dress shop while I became the night manager at a fast food chain to get us
through our last couple of years. We learned to get by without much.
The boots came a couple years later. We were still poor and just getting started in life while trying to feed and raise the first 3 of our
kids. One day I was visiting my well-meaning and generous family member, mentioned above. While we were chatting, he asked me
if I had any cowboy boots, to which I replied that I didn’t. He told me they are the most comfortable shoes made. He wore them all
the time, even to work, where he was frequently required to dress in a suit and tie. A few minutes later he summoned me to the
garage, and told me to jump in the car with him while no one else noticed.

I thought it was nice to go on a little drive, until we pulled up to the local boot store. He was excited to get me inside and take a look
around. I was a little anxious not to be pressured to buy boots with money I clearly didn’t have. He walked me around the store
showing me the various brands, with emphasis on the best quality ones. Then he stood in front of a nice pair of boots and asked if I
liked them. I told him I thought they looked nice, at which time he told me to try them on. Now I was getting anxious trying to figure
out how to tell him I wasn’t in the market for boots (or pretty much anything) without being offensive. They actually fit pretty nicely!
He immediately told the salesperson we would take them and headed to check out. He pulled out his wallet amidst my resistance
and paid $300 for them! I don’t know what good boots cost these days, but that was a LOT of money to me in the 1980s!

The gesture—like a lot of his other gestures over the years—was grand! He was doing something for me that I clearly couldn’t have
done for myself, which made me grateful, but also a little guilty. The money spent on the boots was about the amount of a month’s
worth of groceries for our little family, or even half a mortgage payment! My wife would have loved to have a few extra dollars to buy
some new clothes and, frankly, I would have felt much better about her doing that than me getting those boots. It made them a little
difficult to wear, but I felt like I should wear them every chance I got (which was not often) to show some gratitude for the gift I had
been given.

While I was grateful, I have thought over the years that sometimes the gift might actually be to benefit the giver. Those boots
represented something that he loved and would have loved to get as a gift from me—if I had any money to buy them for him. The
whole process started me thinking about my own gift giving. I reflected on the New Testament verse in Mathew 7:9-11: “Or what
man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone? Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent? If ye then,
being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in Heaven give good things to
them that ask him?”

Don’t get me wrong, the boots were a good gift, just maybe not the gift that we needed at the time. Sometimes the gifts we give are
an effort to project onto someone else what is important to us. Do we buy things for our kids to make sure they are wearing the right
clothes or driving the right car or taking the right trips? These may be a reflection of our own effort to show what great parents we
are, not an effort to really help our kids to grow and develop. Some of these gifts might even hinder their personal growth, even if
they “feel good” at the time they get them.

Some of the great gifts I have received in life met a basic need when I most needed it. Occasionally I have gotten what might not be
thought of as a “gift” from my Heavenly Father. Such occasions caused me a little stress and required me to make a commitment to
good that helped me to learn and grow from my experience. I have come to understand that most of life is designed specifically for
that purpose, because He who gave us the gift of life knows exactly what we need to help us grow and develop from this
experience. He is the great gift giver who truly understands our needs and provides the means to fill them.

I plan on keeping those boots for the rest of my life. I am still grateful for the gesture of the giver, whose intentions were undoubtedly
good. It would not be right to criticize those intentions, but the experience can serve as a reminder to me to seek out the best gifts—
for both myself and others. When we can seek to understand the needs of others and give them gifts that help meet those needs,
then we will begin to be great gift givers, like our Father in Heaven.

Boys are mischievous. It seems like they have a genetic predisposition to look for ways to create some trouble somewhere between
the ages of 3-12. Around the age of 12 they lose the mischievous nature, and it turns outright criminal! We used to say “boys will be
boys” because that kind of behavior was expected, and it was usually accurate. A friend of mine once told me that, when it comes to
boys being responsible for helping out, one boy equals a full boy; two boys equals half a boy; and three boys equals no boys at all!
These days some want to call it “Toxic Masculinity.” I’ll let others worry about how to define that. (I will admit here that I was no
different than the rest of the boys at that age. I have friends that will claim I was worse, but that is an obvious effort on their part to
deflect attention away from their own bad behavior).

In my life, this juvenile behavior showed itself when my older sister first got her driver’s license. She didn’t know much about cars (or
how to drive them —as it turned out), and we younger brothers knew everything! (This knowing everything trait usually kicks in
during teenage years, but we were ahead of the curve). We made every effort to interfere with her driving skills as she drove us
places my mother had authorized. This behavior was funny to us, and evidence of how smart we were.

Our favorite trick was to hit our hand against the door in rapid succession to make a thumping sound and then tell her we probably
had a flat tire. She would always get nervous and slow down, even pulling to the side of the road once to check. After several
incidents, she figured out it was us and, after berating us a little, began to completely ignore our comments. (Years later I noticed
that this same practice of ignoring comments is used by wives dealing with their husbands. Maybe that behavior is a genetic
predisposition too—-but I digress. I am letting my wife read this post by the way—she’ll probably ignore that comment).

Here is the point. My sister was conscientious and didn’t want to mess up by driving on a flat tire. She was overly cautious, because
she had some idea that continuing to drive on a flat tire would not only do damage to the tire—and maybe the car—but may also put
us in danger of accident, injury or death. She was being smart by making sure she didn’t do something dumb.

Years later, after having several of my own kids, I started to notice something about my parenting. As I was trying to be
conscientious about the behaviors of my children, I could see a lot of things that made me wonder if one of them had a “flat tire.” It
was usually in the form of a behavior that was not appropriate such as short bursts of anger, misbehaving in a classroom, hoarding
or hiding something in their room, being especially sensitive or mean to a sibling, etc. The list could go on and on! I was very
nervous about the damage that might be caused if we continued to drive on a “flat tire” that a child had.

Through many years (and kids), it became obvious to me that there were a lot more thumps on the door than there were flat tires.
Kids go through a variety of growth experiences and work through them mostly on their own and within a pretty short period of time
if they are in a secure and supportive environment. We are so anxious to make sure we don’t do damage, that we are always
checking for flat tires and worrying that we might cause further damage.

Don’t get me wrong. Sometimes there are flat tires, but most of those times, the thumping will get worse and more persistent, until it
is very obvious that we need to stop for “repairs.” Our own experience coupled with seeking advice from others who have had flat
tires, will help us to figure out if there is a real problem, or just an annoying thump where we just need to drive a little further until it
goes away.

It is fun to be a grandparent now and have my children call to tell me of some thumping noises they are hearing with their kids. My
advice to them usually starts in the form of a couple questions. How long has the thumping noise been going on? Is it a small noise
or really loud? Is anyone else being affected by the thumping? Is there obvious physical damage? In most cases the discussion
ends with my advice to make sure the child in question is feeling love and support and not doing obvious physical or emotional
damage to themself. If those criteria are met, I recommend they just keep driving.

More often than not, we will talk a few days or weeks afterward on a different subject, and I will ask about the thumping noise. It is
not uncommon for them to respond that the noise went away, and then start a conversation about a different thumping sound they
are hearing. Before long we can become pretty good at determining if we have a flat tire or just a thumping noise. I recommend you
first check the boy in the backseat. He’s probably the culprit.

As a kid growing up in a very small Idaho town, it was not uncommon to see families with a lot of kids. My parents had six, which
seems like a lot to us now, but we had many acquaintances that had us beat by several! One family lived just across the road about
150 yards from our house. As I recall, they had nine or ten children. They had an old Citroen car that stopped running after a while,
and I don’t think they could find the French parts or mechanic to fix it. Despite the mechanical issues, the horn—which made a very
loud and distinct sound—worked well, and was put to good use every day. It was the family dinner bell. (Dinner bell?? Ask your
grandparents!)

The kids were spread all over the area playing with friends, making “forts” or shooting each other and their neighbors with BB guns.
You know, the usual stuff. When dinner was ready, the mother went outside and laid on the horn of the old Citroen. I’m pretty sure
everyone within half a mile could hear it in that quiet town. Everyone knew what it meant. It was dinner time at the Barrus’ home.
The kids came running from whatever field or ditch they were playing in and headed into the house to eat. If anyone pretended not
to hear the horn, they knew they were running the risk of going to bed hungry that night. It was a highly effective tool.

We didn’t have a Citroen horn, but we all knew that we would be having dinner together. We always did, just like most families I
knew. I don’t think it was just our little town or part of the country that had this tradition. Before the days of McDonald’s and Taco Bell
on every corner (and In N Out Burger—if you live in the right state!), there weren’t too many other options for food. So mom cooked
us a meal (usually a very nutritious one) and we were happy to get the sustenance and recount the day’s activities with our family. It
was the normal thing to do.

While the food was always good, it was the family association that made the ritual most significant. Kids who were struggling with
some personal problem or an issue at school or with the neighbor kids etc., were generally discovered right there in the kitchen.
Mom and Dad talked about it and what should be done to resolve it. They also spent considerable time listening, and giving praise
and encouragement. Occasionally, it was a time for some serious discussion about behaviors that needed to be corrected.

I loved dinner time. Not just because I was always hungry, but because it made me feel connected, wanted and loved. It made me
feel a part of something bigger and more important than myself, and gave me opportunity to practice healthy social interaction like
listening and speaking to others etc. I learned new ideas and had the opportunity to form and defend my own thoughts. It provided a
chance to share my goals and hopes for the future with people that generally were willing to listen and support. It also provided a
place to learn to resolve conflict and differences (most of the time without it going to blows!)

I fear this dinner time tradition is fast fading away. I believe it is a sad—maybe even dangerous—trend. Recent research is bearing
this out. I am impressed that so many studies have been done to verify the impact of family dinner together. “The Family Dinner
Project” has done research that shows benefits of this time honored tradition. Here’s their list: Families that eat dinner together have
children with:

● better academic performance

● higher self esteem
● greater sense of resilience
● lower risk of substance abuse
● lower risk of teenage pregnancy
● lower risk of depression
● lower risk of eating disorders, and
● lower risks of obesity.

Several other studies have shown very similar results. What parent wouldn’t want those advantages for their kids?

I understand we live in a different time and place than a small Idaho town of 45-50 years ago, but some things stand the test of time.
I hope families eating dinner together is one of them. In fact, being together at dinner time may be the very thing that allows them to
stand the test of time as individuals and families in a healthy way.

There’s the horn! Time for dinner!

My maternal grandfather was quite a character. He sometimes referred to other men that he respected as “tough old birds.” I think
that definition applied to him as well as anyone. He knew my parents were trying hard to teach us to behave appropriately, and
since he wasn’t too inclined toward religious practice, he took it upon himself to make sure we had a sufficient taste of the real world
to be “normal.” Usually this “education” came in the form of a joke he would tell us when he didn’t think our parents or my
grandmother were listening. Grandma had a very keen ear to most things grandpa was about to share with us. We heard her on
several occasions yelling from the kitchen; “Now Goldie, don’t be telling those boys bad stories!” We knew grandpa loved us and
had no intent to do us harm. Much of what he said was just a reflection of his own life experience, but he spent much of his life
doing good for others.

Most of grandpa’s jokes probably shouldn’t be repeated, but some things he said were not only funny, but taught some valuable life
lessons. One of his stories has stuck with me for over fifty years.

When Grandpa was a young man, his parents would always tell him to be good. If he was obedient and acted as they wished, they
would give him a nickel. “You aren’t like I was,” he would say as he pointed to me and my brothers. “We don’t have to give you a
nickel, cuz you are good for nothing.” I was never sure that was a compliment, but thinking the best of myself, I always took it as
one. As I have gotten older and had my own children and grandchildren, I have thought more deeply about what he said. His joke
may have some real relevance to our lives.

Should we be paid to be good? I’m reminded of what Pavlov taught us about training dogs. He taught them to behave in certain
ways by giving them treats associated with their behavior. It works for dogs! How about kids? When kids are small, we often “bribe”
them to behave in certain ways by handing out “treats” of various kinds. But if you have had as many kids as I have, you soon figure
out that kids are not just reacting to stimuli like dogs. They can think for themselves and project reactions of parents based on their
response. Give a kid a treat every time they do something good, and pretty soon, there will be some kids that never do anything
good until they are promised a treat. When they are not promised a treat they may actually start misbehaving until they get the
result they want. It can turn into a long drawn out battle, where no one wins and no good behaviors are enforced. It becomes a form
of entitlement that becomes very difficult to change.

Real character comes from teaching kids that good behavior and character are developed from inside. If we teach that we are
children of God and then reinforce that doctrine by asking kids how they think their Father in Heaven would like them to act, they
can eventually internalize that behavior and begin to see themselves as a very important person worthy of His trust. They will start
to behave as He would want because they have desires to become like Him. Through this teaching and experience, they prepare
themselves to make sacred covenants with him and learn to look outward to see what they can give to others, instead of always
trying to see what they can get for themselves.

I am a big fan of treats—especially for myself—but when they are mostly tied to my behavior, they can become a distraction from a
more meaningful experience. In the best case scenario, we can teach our kids to recognize that being “good for nothing” is not for
nothing at all. It is a process to help us become like our Heavenly Parents. It puts the emphasis on who we become in eternity, not
on what we get in mortality. I fully understand it can be a difficult lesson for young children, but almost everything that has eternal
value is difficult.

I hope my grandpa was right. I think I like being good for nothing.

I do not like avocados or guacamole! I think it is the color, or maybe the texture. It might just be that they don’t really taste like much
to me. If I am going to eat something creamy and smooth I’ll choose tapioca pudding every time. My wife can’t begin to imagine that
I don’t like the green fruit (or whatever it is). She blames it on a lack of sophistication or just my general bad taste. Once in a while
she will claim it is because I grew up in a very small town and probably never saw an avocado in my formative years! (She might be
right). I never take it personally, and I won’t be harassed into changing my opinion. I choose not to eat avocados or guacamole.

All of us have distinct likes and dislikes. We have preferences for food, clothing, hair styles, colors, cars, music etc. Just about
everything available to us allows us to make choices. Making our own choices is a very important part of developing our
independence and personal identity. We are born with a desire to choose for ourselves. When others try and take away our choices
or keep us from having the right to choose at all, we often mightily resist whatever they are trying to “force” us to do. Each time my
wife tells me that I’m goofy for not eating avocados, I get more determined to avoid them. If I have tried them and don’t like them,
any effort to persuade me otherwise is completely counterproductive. This is especially the case with teenagers. During these very
formative years, they need the opportunity to make choices on their own and learn to live with the outcome. It helps them make
better choices as adults.

When young people are offered a lot of choices with no real pressure as to which things they should prefer, they develop an ability
to distinguish what they like and dislike, and become more open to trying new things and developing their own tastes. A friend of
mine likes to call these choices “red” or “blue”. They are choices of personal preference, which have little or no moral value.

When no pressure to choose red or blue is exercised, kids have a tendency to develop similar likes and dislikes as their parents.
When pressure to conform is added, many of those same kids will choose things contrary to their parents’ choices, and sometimes
they will make choices that they are certain will create stress in the parent / child relationship just to show they can make their own
choices. Their personal right to choose is worth more to them than conforming to please a parent.

In addition to red and blue choices, there are also choices that are right and wrong. Some examples are telling lies, stealing,
participating in unlawful behaviors or showing disrespect and intolerance of others. The list can be very long. Our understanding of
what choices are right and wrong are embedded in our being. We call it our conscience, or the light of Christ. Every person born into
the world (barring some genetic malformation) has it. A very important part of our mortal development is to learn to make choices
that we feel are right. These lead us to greater knowledge and happiness. Choosing things that are right increases our confidence
and sense of self worth, which creates an influence for good in our own life and the lives of those around us. This is called living with
integrity, or, having our actions match our deepest beliefs.

Here is the beauty of raising kids. If we allow them the opportunity at an early age to make “red” and “blue” choices, they will learn
from experience how those choices impact their lives. It is a wonderful time to let them practice choosing, because the choices they
make are largely irrelevant.

As kids get older, if they have been given the opportunity to make a lot of red and blue choices, they are less inclined to feel the
need to exert their right to choose on the things that really matter. Once they understand how choices work, they are more inclined
to follow counsel about choices that are “good” and “bad”. From an early age, they can learn to use their agency fighting to choose
the right, rather than fighting for the right to choose. If they feel their choices are taken away from them, they will often make bad
choices—even if they know they are bad—because making their own choice is more important to them than making the right choice.
If they have always been given the right to choose, they are better prepared to focus on the value of the choice and not on whether
or not they get to make it.

So how do we help them make the right “moral” choices? If they know we have always been willing to let them choose (“red” and
“blue”) they will be more apt to believe that the right and wrong choices are theirs to make also. And they are! If they are bent on
making bad choices there is very little a parent can do. They learn to be very good at telling lies, sneaking out, covering up, etc. All
of this is done in defiance of being “told what to do.”
Instead of trying to enforce good choices and good behavior, the focus of parents should now be on teaching. If we have a very
good explanation of WHY we think they should choose right over wrong and we can give them some examples from our own life
and the lives of others, rational children will likely believe us and decide to choose the right. If they feel like we are just trying to
control their choices (and behaviors) they will be more likely to choose the wrong.

So while they are young, try to give children every opportunity to make choices, and then let them live with the consequence of
those choices. This practice prepares them for the big decisions later in life. And if the choices have little consequence– like
personal tastes– be supportive of what they choose. It doesn’t make them a bad person if they don’t like guacamole!

Some years ago our family took in three wonderful foster kids that are biological sisters. It feels weird to call them “foster” now, as
they have been a vital part of our family for 14 years. All three are married now and there are five grandchildren between them. I felt
very inadequate at the time as a parent, with nine other kids (and a few nieces and friends thrown in at times). Adding three more to
the mix, I figured I better learn how to do this parenting thing!

I read quite a few books on it from various sources, then one day it occurred to me that the best source for learning to parent is our
Heavenly Father! It seems obvious now that I should have thought of that first, but I don’t think very many of us do.

I started to reread the scriptures again with an emphasis on what they taught about being a great parent. I was shocked and
surprised! I had grown up in a Latter Day Saint culture, and there always seemed to be a sense that good kids were the result of
good parents, even though there were lots of examples of kids that didn’t follow the “party line”. No one ever said (out loud at least)
that the parents were to blame, but there was always a little competitive sense of who the successful parents were based on the
good things their kids had done in life.

So based on my thought process, I tried to find good parents in the scriptures, using the evidence of them having good kids as the
means of showing their success. There were VERY FEW examples of that pattern! What I found instead was a significant amount of
really good people (and prophets) who didn’t have kids turn out so well. Here are a couple of examples:

● GOD. His children rebelled, and a full 1/3 of them were kicked out of His house without any offer for them to return! (For
us, that meant we would have to boot 4 kids out the door—we didn’t!) We were already doing pretty well.
● ADAM. His kids didn’t like each other and one of them (Cain) killed his brother (Abel). Ouch! No murders in our home—
yet!
● JACOB. He was later named Israel and had 12 sons. Having more than one wife probably helped keep them in check,
but out of jealousy, eleven of them sold their younger brother into slavery. No kid sales in our house! (Wait—I haven’t
seen James in a while, better check with my wife).
● LEHI. If you’ve read the Book of Mormon, you know the story. Couple of pretty good kids, and a couple of really rotten
ones. Fights, threats and a final separation that turned them into enemies for generations, including wars that took the
lives of thousands!
● ALMA. He had a son that the Book of Mormon called “the vilest of sinners.” There is a title for you! I’ve heard some bad
words and seen some things I wasn’t happy about with my kids, but I don’t think any have risen to “vilest of sinners” level.

These are just a few of the examples. There are plenty more. When I look at that list of parents, I don’t think of them as “bad people”
or “bad parents.” Maybe I was focusing on the wrong criteria for measuring successful parents?

So if focusing on great parents having great kids is not the right approach, what should we focus on? Maybe we should stop
focusing on the hoped for outcome with our kids, and focus more on ourselves and the process and principles we should follow.
From my reading, the information below is what that process looks like to me based on the scriptures and what has been revealed
about the Plan of Salvation.

The Three principles I will address below are expounded on more fully in the book: “Partners With God, Using His Teaching and
Example to Raise our Kids.” My intent here is to give a very brief overview (and encourage you to read the book!)

FIRST, parents should LOVE. God’s motivation for having children and creating an earth (“home”) for them is love. He is giving
them an opportunity to grow and progress using His resources to allow them to have experiences and learn valuable lessons. He
continues to show them that love by providing a way for them to repent after making mistakes and—after learning to be obedient—
return back to His presence and even become like Him! He sent His only begotten son in the flesh to suffer and die in their behalf so
they could have these blessings.

LOVE = SACRIFICE. Sacrifice with pure intent is the very heart of parenting. If we are only thinking about the value that kids bring
to us instead of the sacrifice we are willing to make for them, rational people will not have children. And guess what? They aren’t! In
first world countries, the birth rate is at an all time low. Dogs and Cats cost way less than children and rarely argue with you when
they are 15 years old! To those uncommitted to the Plan of Salvation, animals are a much wiser choice.

SECOND, parents should TEACH. The major issue that caused the great battle in Pre earth life was whether or not we got to
choose for ourselves. It is called Agency. The right to choose can only be effectively put into play when we understand the
choices—and the possible consequences of those choices. Without knowledge, agency becomes a game of chance, like game
showing guessing what is behind door number 1.

Good parents will spend considerable time teaching the Plan of Salvation. When rightly understood, this plan will allow our kids to
make decisions based on what they want for their future and for Eternity. Boyd K. Packer said: “True doctrine, understood, changes
attitudes and behaviors. The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve
behavior.” A clear understanding of what it is we are choosing between makes us better able to make a good choice. When they are
taught, children feel empowered by using agency to make choices that bless their lives.

The same is true with all knowledge. We can create a home curriculum that allows our children to learn everything they need to
know about being happy and successful in life. If the teaching is done in a positive way, our children will likely be motivated to use
their knowledge and choice to grow and progress. In my scripture reading I learned that Nephi had “…been taught in all the learning
of his father.” Enos and many others were likewise instructed by fathers. Great parents are serious about teaching their children.

THIRD, parents should allow their kids to CHOOSE. This is parenting in the major leagues! Allowing for choice—especially when
you know there is a genuine risk that the choice will be bad—is a very hard thing to do. Loving parents often want to eliminate all the
possible problems that come from bad choices. In the scriptures, I learned about someone else who had that same idea in the Pre-
mortal life. You may have heard of him. His name was Satan.

Allowing kids to choose does not mean allowing them to avoid consequence. Choice has consequence. Always. That is part of the
teaching we should do. Just like God does, we can establish rules and guidelines for them to follow that have specific
consequences. Mostly we want them to be based in blessings. The scriptures give numerous examples of this. Sometimes the
consequences are in the form of a clear warning. There are lots of those examples too.

The key is to focus on teaching kids about the blessings and consequences of their choices, instead of trying to enforce good
behavior. The greatest lessons in their life will come from learning to choose the “sweet” after they have tried the “bitter.” Great
parents allow for choice and then—as needed—administer consequences. Hopefully they will mostly be in the form of blessings and
opportunities.

There is the familiar pattern. Love them, Teach them and let them Choose. I am certain that this is exactly what the best parent
(Heavenly Father) has done for us. Sometimes we may have to cover our eyes so we don’t have to watch!

I gained insight into God and His approach to parenting while milking cows. As a 9 or 10 year old boy, my father sat down with me
and my three older brothers (ages 12, 13, and16) and counseled together about an idea that he and my mother had for raising good
boys. They knew that we had lots of energy and were likely to use it to some form of no good, unless it was directed in a purposeful
way that was meaningful and beneficial to us. Accordingly, with the help of my grandparents, they bought a 40 acre farm.

Dad outlined a plan for us as follows: With the help of a loan from the local bank that he and mom would co-sign, the boys would
create Gerard Brothers Dairy. An old house on the farm could be converted to a milking barn, corrals for the cows could be built,
and we could use the rest of the land to raise hay and grain to feed the cows.

We all agreed that we would have an equal share of responsibility and an equal share of the profits (after paying the loan payment
and other expense) that were created by the venture. The work would be ours and the money would be too. We believed it was a
good idea, and were very excited about the prospects of what we could buy with the money from our own business.

The actual work was difficult. We put a new roof on the barn, built out milking stalls, dug post holes and built corrals in the cold
weather. When we were done, the cows (purchased from a dairy business 100 miles away) were hauled to their new home, and the
process began.

As a very young boy, milking cows at 5:30 am and again at night after school was a big task. It was not uncommon in the winter
months to have temperatures well below zero, causing a lot of problems with equipment, cows and frozen fingers. Sometimes, when
we were not as diligent as we should have been, the milk would have too much bacteria in it from unclean equipment or cows. This
caused the company that bought the milk to mark it with red dye and return it to us without pay. On those days, our efforts were
wasted.
Years later after the cows were sold and all the boys had served missions for the LDS Church and been off to college, we were
reminiscing about those experiences with our parents. This is the time when I was old enough to fully reflect on what had happened
during those years.

My mother was telling us about the numerous times that after one of us whose turn it was to milk had left the house and crossed the
road to head to the barn, that my dad would go to the big window in our living room and watch to see if he could detect any
problems with the milking that morning. On one such occasion after a lot of dirty milk had been returned and their was a concern
about the health of the cows, my mother awoke early and went to the living room where dad was watching through the window. She
was obviously concerned about the potential problems and the financial loss that could come and asked: “Jim, what if they ruin the
cows?”. She said my dad paused for a moment as if he was reconsidering the same thoughts that she had, and then replied: “Yes,
but what if we ruin the boys.”

In that moment I came to understand that milking cows wasn’t about making money or just keeping the boys occupied. It was a plan
to give us an opportunity and responsibility and – most importantly – personal growth that could only come from our own
experience.

He had designed a plan solely for our benefit. He made the plan known to us and showed how it would be a blessing and benefit to
us, then he asked for our approval and involvement. We agreed and the process started. To Latter-Day Saints, that formula should
sound very familiar. It is a direct reflection of the Plan of Salvation that came from the Grand Council before the world was that every
person on earth chose to be a part of and is now experiencing.

My mother went on to explain another portion of this experience that we had not known before. She told us that on really cold winter
mornings my dad would come into the room where we all slept (it was a 2 bedroom, 1 bath home with 6 children), and wake the son
whose turn it was to milk that day, so as not to disturb everyone else. My dad would then return to his sleep – or so we thought.
What actually happened, is that dad would wait until we had gotten dressed and left the house, then he would get up and get
dressed and- unknown to us-follow us across the road and up to the barn.

On many of those cold mornings, the electric motor for the milk line or the propane heater to warm our hands and the water used to
wash down the cows would not work properly. My dad would stand outside in the cold to listen for signs of trouble where we would
need his help. He would let us do it on our own, if we could, even allowing for time for us to work through the issues as best as we
could before coming inside to help out. If we could figure it out and get everything working, he would eventually go back to the
house and watch for trouble signs from across the road.

When my mother told us of this, I immediately remembered a number of times, when in the midst of what to me were
insurmountable problems, my father always seemed to show up! It had never once occurred to me that he had been outside, waiting
in the cold, but allowing me to figure out as much as I could before he interfered.

This was part of the plan too. It is a very important part that allows for our individual growth through struggling and some stress and
seeking to make our way, but also understanding – even when we don’t know it­ that our Father is waiting and will step in to help
once we have run out of our own resources and after we have made every effort and exhausted our own strength. This is the very
blessing of our life’s experience. We learn from each challenge, trial and triumph. Our experiences teach us the things that our
Father already knows. Because he loves us and wants us to be like Him, he allows us to have experiences that start to prepare us
for that incredible end.

The experiences of mortality are completely necessary for us to fully understand and gain the growth intended. We must experience
the “bitter” before we can truly appreciate the value of the “sweet”.

Sometimes the bitter is bitter cold!

Great parents follow the example of their Heavenly Father. Most of His efforts are focused on teaching principles, not dictating
behaviors. Even His commandments are usually accompanied by the blessings and the problems that come from our choices to be
obedient. There is no hard coercion on His part.

What He does offer is forgiveness, second chances once we learn we have done wrong, and loving support and encouragement,
without letting us justify the wrong doing. In the moments of greatest stress in my life, I rarely recall an absolute revelation or fix to
the problem. More often, support comes in the way of a sense of peace and a settled mind to move forward with faith and be patient
until it all works out. That process gradually leads me to trust in my own developing capacity to learn and grow from my experience,
and to rely on the Lord to help me know I am in the right way, with an understanding that He may only show up, after I have done all
I can do on my own.
I have often told my children, that some of us will never turn to God, until we have no one else to turn to. Through these
experiences, we gain trust and faith and understanding of the purpose of life. We can also learn other lessons, like how committed
we can become to never having to milk another cow!