ADE IN:

INT. GRIFFIN HOUSE - DAY

PETER, BRIAN, CHRIS, and STEWIE are on the sofa, watching

the TV.

ON TV: CHANNEL 5 anchors TOM TUCKER and DIANE SIMMONS are

talking about the topic of the day.

TOM

(on TV)

Diane, the news for those men who

use Viagra or Cialis is not good.

Apparently some of those drugs'

long-term users have reported

incidents of blindness.

DIANE

(on TV)

That's true, Tom. Some men who use

the drug for erectile dysfunction

report that they have seen

flashing lights and then suffer

eventual complete blindness.

Camera goes back to a 2-shot as TOM looks a little sheepish.

An awkward pause as DIANE waits for him to go into the next

story, and then the ANCHOR DESK begins to lift off the

ground, as if it is being magically levitated.

PETER

Holy crap!

CHRIS

The news is haunted!

BRIAN

Looks like Tom has a woody that

would make Pinocchio jealous.

CUT TO: TV SET. The camera shows only the tops of the

anchor's heads as the DESK continues to hover.

 DIANE

(on TV)

Oh, Tom, is "Mini Me" trying to

give a first-person report?

2.

TOM

Not at all, Diane. Now would

someone please show me a picture

of my wife? Actually, Diane, could

you move a little to the left? And

stop fading in and out.

STEWIE

My God. How wonderful. I need to

obtain a levitation device of my

own if I am to control the world.

BRIAN picks STEWIE up, raising him high into the air.
 STEWIE

Augh! Put me down, dog!

BRIAN

I'm just showing you the power of

my own levitation device. Weeee!

(tosses STEWIE in

the air)

STEWIE

(as he is being

tossed)

Aaaaa!

I...hope....you...burn...in....HELL!

ROLL INTRO, CREDITS.

EXT--JAMES WOODS HIGH SCHOOL--DAY

LOIS pulls in front of the school, greeted by the excited

MEG.
 LOIS

Hi, honey. Get in and tell me

about your day.

MEG can barely contain the excitement of her news and bashes

her HEAD up against the top of the CAR DOOR as she enters.

She barely notices.

MEG

Ow. Guess what? Guess what?

LOIS

Meg, are you okay?

LOIS, the consummate suburban mom, takes out a HANDKERCHIEF,

licks it, and places it on the now-sizable BUMP on MEG'S

HEAD.

3.

MEG
I'm great! Guess what? You're not

guessing.

The BUMP has miraculously gone down after just a few dabs

with the HANDKERCHIEF.

MEG

(feeling her HEAD)

Hey! I don't feel anything there

anymore. What did you do?

LOIS

Mom spit. It cures everything.

Except for malaria and Lou

Gehrig's Disease.

CUT TO: B/W SEQUENCE--LOU GEHRIG'S HOUSE. An OLD WOMAN has a

giant SPONGE in her HAND, dabbing at the FACE of LOU GEHRIG,

inside his YANKEES UNIFORM. GEHRIG winces in an "aw, mom"

pose as his "mother" begins to hock up a big loogey into the

SPONGE.

CUT TO: EXT--LOIS'S CAR OUTSIDE OF JAMES WOODS HIGH--DAY

LOIS starts the car and moves away from the SCHOOL. The two

are in a two-shot in full frame as they DRIVE.

LOIS

Now, what's your news?

MEG

Oh, yeah! Billy Anderson asked me

out to the senior prom! Isn't that

great?

LOIS

But you're just a sophomore. I'll

have to consult with your father

first.

MEG

Oh, but Mom! I just have to go!

 LOIS

We'll ask your father. He's always

had a special place in his heart

for his little girl.

4.

FLASHBACK SEQUENCE: PETER AND MEG THROUGH THE YEARS.

A young PETER lifts MEG out of her BABY STROLLER, holding an

ICE CREAM in the other hand. The STROLLER begins to roll out

of frame, and PETER has a decision to make. He can't drop

the baby or the ice cream, so he does neither. The STROLLER

rolls to the bottom of a HILL, and stops. PETER flashes a

smile of relief, and then is taken aback as the stroller

gets STRUCK by an EIGHTEEN-WHEELER. Then, the stroller is

hit by an even larger eighteen-wheeler. A few seconds later,

PETER has a mixed reaction as the stroller is struck by a

TOUR BUS that reads "THE JUDDS" on the side.

PETER

(observing the

wreckage)
From ruin to conversation piece,

from conversation piece to

potential profit-making

opportunity.

(to MEG)

The Judds are gonna pay for your

college, honey!

PETER walks with toddler MEG on his shoulders in the PARK.

He spots a giant BIRD, who takes a CRAP on one of PETER'S

SHOES. Losing focus, PETER takes MEG off his shoulders and

takes off her DIAPER, throwing it at the BIRD. The BIRD

squawks and falls off the TREE. PETER places the darling and

naked MEG back on his shoulders and whistles off merrily.

PETER

(looking back at

the dazed bird)

Crap on me, will you? Crap on you!

PETER'S POV as he watches a PRE-TEEN MEG at her first

BOY-GIRL BIRTHDAY PARTY. A BOY makes his way over to MEG,

and plants a kiss on her CHEEK. MEG turns RED and disappears

O.S., as PETER, tears in his eyes, slyly goes up to the BOY

and slips him FIVE DOLLARS.

CUT TO: INT--STEWIE'S ROOM--DAY

STEWIE is inside his CRIB, plotting world domination with

his TEDDY BEAR, RUPERT.

STEWIE

Oh, Rupert. I must find the secret

of levitation. If I can do that,

imagine what kind of command I

would have over the world.

5.

FANTASY SEQUENCE

STEWIE is walking past the WHITE HOUSE. He turns and points

both ARMS at it, lifting the entire building off it's

foundation, allowing it to hover as people inside scream and

fall out of it. He smiles to himself, and then throws it

into the WASHINGTON MONUMENT.

 STEWIE

(to HIMSELF,

announcer voice)

Looks like Stewie Griffin has

bowled another strike.

INT--GRIFFIN LIVING ROOM--DAY

MEG and LOIS enter through the FRONT DOOR as PETER and BRIAN

are on the SOFA, watching TV.

MEG

(breathless)

Daddy-can-I-go-to-the-prom-pretty-please?

LOIS

Peter, your SOPHOMORE daughter

wants to go to the SENIOR prom

with a boy THREE YEARS older than

she is. What do you say to that?

 PETER

(not getting the

hint)

Yeah, sure. It's every man's dream

to go out with a younger woman.

BRIAN

But this is your own daughter,

Peter. And might I add, your ONLY

daughter.

PETER

(wheels are

turning)

That's true......

LOIS

(through clenched

teeth)

You do remember what you did at

YOUR PROM, don't you, Peter?

6.

FLASHBACK SEQUENCE:

PETER is sitting at a TABLE with his DATE in a fugly

POWDER-BLUE TUX. He has about a dozen PLATES that once held

food piled up in front of him. His DATE looks off, bored.

PETER has loosened his CUMBER-BUN, and takes off one of his

VANS (SHOES). A C.U. of the shoe reveals a cap on the heel.

PETER loosens the cap and takes a drink from his SHOE FLASK.

PETER

(BELCHES)

Maxwell Smart's got nuthin' on me!

Man, I am stuffed.

(to DATE)

So, "Agent 99", wanna go to

Makeout Hill later?

DATE slaps him and walks off, disgusted.

CUT TO: PRESENT DAY.

 PETER

If my little girl wants to go to

the prom, then she can go.

(to MEG)

Just remember, honey--if push

comes to shove--stab the guy in

the jewels with the salad fork.

BRIAN

Yes, because using the shrimp fork

would create a disturbance.

MEG runs over to PETER, placing her arms around his neck.

MEG

Thank you, daddy.

Thankyou-thankyou-thankyou! You

won't regret it!

MEG runs O.S.

 LOIS

Thanks a LOT, Peter.

(to HERSELF,

walking O.S.)

Useless, I swear to God.

PETER

(waving)

You're welcome, honey. Just let me

know when dinner is ready.

7.

LOIS

(from O.S.)

Here's your damned dinner!

BRIAN, well-familiar with the routine, ducks out of frame. A

PLATE comes flying from O.S., hitting the side of PETER'S

HEAD. FOOD covers most of the side of his FACE. He doesn't

react for a few beats, and then sticks his tongue out,
moving it to the side of his face where the food has stuck

and has begun to drip. It appears to be red SPAGHETTI SAUCE.

PETER

(smacks his lips)

Mmmm...ravioli?

INT--MEG'S ROOM--DAY

MEG is talking into her pink PRINCESS PHONE.

MEG

(into PHONE)

I am telling you, Marlee, my dad

is wicked-cool. He is letting me

go with Billy Anderson to the high

school prom!

STEWIE enters the ROOM. The top of his HEAD can be seen. MEG

continues to chat on the phone, unaware of his presence.

STEWIE
 (whispering)

Continue your carping. I won't be

long.

MEG

(into PHONE)

No, he didn't ask me if I put out.

STEWIE has a modified BLOW DRYER in his hand. Moving fully

into screen, he raises it and points it directly at MEG.

Turning it on full power, a WAVE is emitted, shaking some

BOOK SHELVES above MEG'S BED. She continues talking as BOOKS

start falling off the side of the shelves onto the floor.

STEWIE

(looks at the BLOW

DRYER)

Before I make MacGyver one of my

slave drones, I intend to ask him

how it is that he managed to make

a bazooka out of a plastic bottle,

a safety pin, and two rubber

bands.
 (walking O.S.)

(MORE)

8.

STEWIE (cont'd)

Back to the drawing board!

(thinks better of

it; turns around

towards MEG)

Oh, and victory is mine! Blah,

blah, blah. Is anyone listening

any more?

MEG

(into PHONE)

Yeah, he has a car...Hey, did we

have an earthquake or something?

EXT--SPOONER STREET--DAY

PETER, QUAGMIRE, CLEVELAND, and JOE are standing (or in

JOE'S case, sitting) in a row near the curb in front of

PETER'S HOUSE, "King of the Hill"-style. They are having a

typical guy's moment--staring into space and drinking

PAWTUCKET PAT BEER.

PETER

Yep.

CLEVELAND

Yeah.

JOE

Yep.

QUAGMIRE

Diggety-diggety!

PETER

Brian and Lois are mad at me for

allowing Meg to go to the prom.

 QUAGMIRE

I can understand that. My high

school prom was a drunken

score-a-palooza. Ho!

CLEVELAND

Oh, Quagmire. I never get tired of

your tales of youthful conquest.

JOE

We'll keep close tabs on the

couple, Peter. There's laws

against statutory rape in this

state.

9.

PETER

Yeah, I mean, I trust my little

girl and I just want to make her

happy. But then again, Lois isn't

going to be showing any wifely

affection for awhile if I let her

go.

(a beat)

Gentlemen, I think I might have to

admit that I may have made an

error in judgment.

CLEVELAND

Did you hear that?

PETER, QUAGMIRE, and JOE shake their heads and reply "No".

CLEVELAND

That was the sound of Hell

freezing over. Ha, ha, ha!

PETER

What? You think I can't admit when

I'm wrong?
 QUAGMIRE

(Laughing)

Peter, you don't even admit it

when you dial a wrong number.

CUT TO: PETER on a PAY PHONE.

PETER

No, not Leeesa...Looois. Yeah,

right. Okay, whatever you say,

crazy lady. I know you have Lois

there and if it's the last thing I

do, I'm going to rescue her from

your evil clutches!

(hangs up, looking

around leeringly)

I can't go back home. They'll be

expecting that...

CUT TO: EXT--SPOONER STREET--DAY

PETER
Okay, I admit I might be wrong.

Maybe.

(sighs)

I sure hate to break the news to

Meg, though.

10.

CLEVELAND

Loretta is a substitute teacher

there. I'm sure she can act as a

chaperon at the prom to deter

hijinks and mischief.

JOE

I'll run a background check on the

boy and his family.

QUAGMIRE

And I'll make sure all the girls

without dates are properly

escorted....allllll riiiight.

PETER

This is great. See? This is what

Hillary was talking about when her

ghostwriter wrote "It Takes a

Village"...it's about neighbours

helping each other out in times

like these...wait...

(interrupts

himself, looks

behind his back)

Okay, who was the bastard that

threw all these beer bottles in my

yard?

INT--JAMES WOODS HIGH SCHOOL--DAY

BILLY ANDERSON is holding court in front of his LOCKER. He

is wearing a BASEBALL CAP, and A HEAVILY-ADORNED LETTERMAN'S

JACKET. His friends---two boys and two girls--are in

conversation with him.

 BILLY

I got myself a date for the prom.

Shoot and score.

ROD

Yeah, I heard, dude. I guess

you're going through with this Meg

Griffin Experiment.

CONNIE

Yeah, Billy. Experiment is right.

The lab rats in Mr. Buckley's

science class have more fashion

sense.

CUT TO: Three WHITE RATS inside a cage, sniffing the air.

The rats are wearing assorted DESIGNER CLOTHES. One of them

11.

stands up on two legs and admires herself in a MIRROR while

wearing a PINK MINISKIRT. She squeaks to her two friends.

CG: "Does my ass look fat in this?"

 BILLY

I think you're wrong, Connie. I

think with a little positive

reinforcement, she can look pretty

hot.

CONNIE

And from which Movie of the Week

did you get that notion from?

ROD

Actually it was an after school

special.

SANDY

Hmmph. More like Discovery Channel

if you ask me.

CUT TO: The opening of TV show on DISCOVERY CHANNEL. Several

APES are mugging for a camera. One is attempting to put on a

TUXEDO but gets frustrated and tears the suit instead.

VO: And now, the Discovery Channel is proud to present it's

5000th reality show, and all commercial-free: "Dr. Jane

Goodall's Prom Story".

CONNIE

(with sarcasm)

Well, Billy. I can't wait to see

you there. I'm sure you will be

King and Queen.

(more to herself)

As a matter of fact, I'm counting

on it.

CONNIE'S EYES narrow into two evil slits.

INT: DRESS SHOP--DAY

MEG tries on PROM DRESSES, as LOIS agonizes over the

concept. STEWIE is inside a bassinet, casually observing the

scene.
 MEG

(emerges from

dressing room)

Mom! I love this one!

12.

LOIS covers her face. MEG is wearing a DARK BLUE SATIN

number, with a slit right up the front and too much showing

in the bust area.

LOIS

(barely containing

her angst)

Sure, that would be great...if you

were going to Paris Hilton's prom.

(grabbing another

dress from off

the rack)

Here, honey...try this one. It has

ruffles.

MEG takes the DRESS from her mother. It is a PINK RUFFLED

nightmare. She makes a face, but takes it back inside the

DRESSING ROOM.

LOIS

(shouting after

MEG)

You'll thank me when Billy is too

tired and too drunk to fight

through all that lace.

STEWIE

Be quiet, woman. I'm trying to

have an important conversation.

(SIGHS, TALKS INTO

HIS TOY CELL

PHONE)

I was up too late last night,

Rupert. What is it you were

blabbering on about, anyway? Oh,

well, you can't cry over spilled

milk. Let's face facts: Demi

married the pool boy. He'll fetch

her drinks at the Beverly Hills

Country Club and rub lotion on her

back one minute and in the next

she'll become Gloria Swanson in

"Sunset Boulevard"---What's that?

A three-way conversation? Oh,

Rupert! You have such a way with

the double entendre!

(glances O.S.)

Wait a moment, Rupert. The

pubescent trollop has emerged from

changing and...oh, dear God...it

looks like a flamingo has exploded

all over her.

(evil snicker)

13.

MEG--or someone who appears to be MEG--has come out of the

CHANGING ROOM. She is covered head-to-toe in PINK CHIFFON

and LACE. The top of her HEAD can barely be seen. O.S.:

STEWIE continues to laugh uproariously.

MEG
 (muffled)

Mom, do I have to?

LOIS

I guess not. Let's go for

something a little less

marshmallow cloud.

STEWIE

Yes, you look like one of the

Lucky Charms. Looks like the only

man after you will be a

leprechaun. Ha! Ha-ha-ha!

(into CELL PHONE)

What's the difference between a

leprechaun and an elf? I swear,

Rupert, I don't know how you made

it out of Princeton.

INT: GRIFFIN HOUSE---NIGHT

"Operation Meg" is ongoing in the GRIFFIN'S BASEMENT. PETER

is poring over papers with JOE, while CLEVELAND, BRIAN, and

QUAGMIRE are working the PHONES. Their BASEMENT looks much

like the headquarters of a deep-undercover spy operation,

with a bank of flashing lights on one wall, and a MEGA

COMPUTER with a large DIGITAL SCREEN on the other. All the

men (and dog) are wearing black.

JOE

(to PETER)

I've looked over all the family

driving records, their property

history, and I've gone through

court documents. The boy checks

out clean, Peter.

PETER

Yeah...what does his dad do again?

JOE

He works in the New England

Patriots front office.

14.

PETER

Hell, as far as I'm concerned, he

can marry her! Season tickets for

life!

BRIAN

(off the phone)

Peter, shouldn't you be more

concerned about your daughter's

happiness?

PETER

Of course I am. I just want what's

best for this family, and what's

best for this family is for Meg to

marry a boy who has connections to

the Patriots so that we can all

enjoy football the way it is meant

to be enjoyed...from the front row

of the press box...with Paula Zahn

and Katie Couric...in cheerleader

outfits.

CLEVELAND

(off the PHONE)

Peter, there's a problem.

PETER

Oh, crap. What is it? Does it mean

no Patriots tickets?

CLEVELAND

Uh, I don't know. I was just

checking with a neighbour of this

Anderson kid, and she says he

overheard him talking to some of

his friends. They're using Meg as

a tool to win a bet.

PETER

(processing the
 information)

A bet on the Patriots?

BRIAN

No, Peter. They are taking the

homely girl and trying to turn her

into Eliza Doolittle.

PETER

(not getting the

picture)

Look, I don't know who this

Doolittle woman is, but she better

(MORE)

15.

PETER (cont'd)

not get her hands on my season

tickets!
 JOE

It's not that bad. He's a good kid

who's trying to show everyone that

Meg can be a stunner.

CLEVELAND

Perhaps, Joe. But using the girl

for wagering purposes is low.

QUAGMIRE

I once bet a guy that I could get

a girl to limbo naked. All I can

say is...how low can you go?

Diggety-diggety!

JOE

(to PETER)

It's up to you, Peter, but I think

you better take this up with Meg

and let her make up her own mind

about the boy.

 PETER

Yeah, I guess you're right. She

deserves to know the truth. Man,

doing the right thing sucks.

QUAGMIRE

I try to do the right thing all

the time, if by the "right thing"

you mean two chicks at once. Ho!

BRIAN

And yet women are considered the

fairer sex.

CUT TO: INT.---JAMES WOODS HIGH SCHOOL, DAY.

CONNIE and SANDY are inside the gym, preparing PROM

DECORATIONS.

SANDY

(mocking)
So, Connie, are you still mad

about Meg Griffin going to the

prom with Billy?

16.

CONNIE

Not at all. I could care less

about his charity case. Here he

comes now with the little darling.

ENTER BILLY and MEG. The transition has already begun. MEG

is wearing a preppy-like pullover sweater and skirt, with

necklace, and is without her usual wool cap. She is wearing

a smaller and more attractive pair of glasses.

CONNIE

(fake pleasantry)

Oh, HELLO, Meg. Hey, Billy.

BILLY
We thought we'd help out. Meg is

going to do an article about the

preparations for the school paper.

BILLY walks over to a table and starts to assemble some

decorations.

MEG

Yeah, Connie. It's great what

you've done so far. I love the

colors.

SANDY

So glad you approve. Are you and

Billy planning to become King and

Queen?

MEG

(embarrassed)

We just want to go and have a good

time. I haven't even thought about

the king and queen thing yet.

ENTER NEIL, waving a piece of paper and panting hard.

NEIL

Meg, I finished your prom queen

speech just a few minutes ago!

MEG

(makes "shooing"

gesture)

Go away, Neil.

NEIL

Okay, but you know where to find

me, my little prom princess.

17.

EXIT NEIL.
 MEG

Ugh.

CONNIE

Yeah. So, what does your dress

look like, Meg?

MEG

It's blue, with ruffles on the

front and a lace bodice....

SANDY

So you didn't get anything that

shows off your rack?

MEG

I tried. Mom wouldn't let me.

CONNIE

That's too bad. I love having

divorced parents. If mom doesn't

let me have something, I just run

to Daddy and he produces a credit

card. Instant bling.

MEG

I wish my parents were divorced,

but they're so in love. It's

gross.

SANDY

Yeah, old people still macking on

each other is disgusting.

CUT TO: JAMES WOODS HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM. MEG continues to

talk to SANDY while BILLY is literally wrestling with some

particularly cumbersome crepe paper streamers that have

somehow begun to tie themselves around his neck like a boa

constrictor. In the meantime, CONNIE has excused herself and

is in the background, using a ROPE to raise a BUCKET to the

rafters of the roof.

 CONNIE

(to HERSELF)

Don't worry about a thing, Meg.

You will be prom queen, and then

you'll really get your just

desserts.

BILLY manages to take a knife and cut himself out of the

crepe paper after being taken down to the floor by it.

18.

BILLY

(panting and

red-faced)

Hey, Sandy! I think you guys

should rethink the decorations

this year.

INT.--GRIFFIN HOUSE--NIGHT

PETER is pacing the floor of the LIVING ROOM, attempting to

resolve his own moral dilemma. MEG enters the FRONT DOOR.
 MEG

Hi, Dad! You have made me sooooo

happy! I'm going to love you

forever, even after you're old and

useless! I'm going to my room to

admire my dress again. See you

later!

EXIT MEG.

PETER

Uhhhh...okay. I guess that's a

good sign.

ENTER BRIAN with a MARTINI GLASS in one paw.

BRIAN

You didn't tell Meg, did you?

PETER
Oh, Brian. I can't do it.I don't

want to burst her bubble.

BRIAN

Let's face it, Peter. It wouldn't

be the first time you've burst a

teenager-in-love's bubble.

CUT TO: A TEEN PETER is standing outside the GIANT PLASTIC

HOUSE for "THE BOY IN THE PLASTIC BUBBLE".

PETER

Hey, Bubble Boy. You want--you

want some cake? You got like a

food vent or somethin', or do you

eat out of a pouch like the

astronauts?

PETER takes a plastic knife and begins to cut a slice of

CAKE. The KNIFE slips and accidentally cuts open the PLASTIC

BUBBLE.
19.

PETER

Oops. Sorry. Uhhh...enjoy the

cake.

PETER runs off as there are sounds of someone hacking and

wheezing OS.

CUT TO: INT--GRIFFIN HOUSE--NIGHT.

BRIAN

Let me put it to you like this,

Peter...do you want Meg to know

the truth from you, or do you want

her to find out the hard way?

PETER

Yeah, you're right, Brian. I'll go

and tell her the truth. She

deserves it.
INT.--JAMES WOODS HIGH SCHOOL--MORNING

SHADOWS are seen moving about inside the GYMNASIUM. A TRAP

of some sort is being set.

CONNIE

Are you sure this is going to

work?

ROD

I guarantee it. They'll never

suspect a thing.

SANDY

Where did you get the idea for

this, Rod? More Discovery Channel?

ROD

Watching that old movie "Carrie".

Sissy Spacek gets drenched with

pig blood at her prom.

 CONNIE

Ewwww...glad we didn't have to use

pig blood.

ROD

No, this is MUCH better.

20.

INT.--GRIFFIN HOME LIVING ROOM--EVENING

It is PROM NIGHT. BILLY ANDERSON, PETER, LOIS, CHRIS, BRIAN,

and STEWIE, all await MEG'S descent down the stairs. CHRIS

is snapping PICTURES.

LOIS

Chris, get a picture of Billy and

the limo outside.

EXIT LOIS, CHRIS, BILLY, and STEWIE, who is in LOIS'S arms.

 BRIAN

(TO PETER)

You didn't tell Meg, did you?

PETER

I tried, Brian, and I couldn't do

it.

BRIAN

It's all right. Cleveland, Joe,

and Quagmire are going to be

there. I'm sure that will make the

prom world safe for one night at

least.

PETER

I'll be there, too, Brian.

BRIAN
Really. You're going to spy on

your daughter at her prom?

PETER

I am the master of disguise,

Brian. Trust me.

PETER produces a Fu-Manchu style MOUSTACHE and puts it on

his lip.

PETER

I give you: Mi Pee Wong, a Chinese

exchange student.

BRIAN

Wow. I am fooled. This is much

better than the fetch-the-stick

trick where you only pretend to

throw it...not that I'm bitter.

21.
 LOIS (OS)

Chris, take a picture of me. Hey,

is this a real moonroof? Wooooooo!

CHRIS (OS)

Mom! You're freaking me out!

MEG descends down the stairs. She looks attractive, but

seems a little unbalanced.

BRIAN

Peter, I'll go and watch out for

her...but if the punch gets

spiked, don't automatically assume

it was me.

INT.--JAMES WOODS HIGH SCHOOL--NIGHT

TRISHA TAKINAWA is standing in the foyer of the SCHOOL as

PROM ATTENDEES pass by.

 ASIAN REPORTER TRISHA TAKINAWA

Tonight, Quahog is celebrating its

best and brightest as prom night

begins, and in nine months,

several bastard children will

enter the world.

ENTER actor JAMES WOODS

ASIAN REPORTER TRISHA TAKINAWA

Well, this is indeed a surprise.

Actor and high school namesake

James Woods has entered the

building. Tell me, Mr. Woods, are

you here at the prom unescorted?

JAMES WOODS

That's none of your f***kin'

business. Where's the booze?

ASIAN REPORTER TRISHA TAKINAWA

Mr. Woods, do you have a new

project to tell us about?

JAMES WOODS

Yeah, I'm producing a sure-fire

hit for television. It's going to

be called "Wrestling with the

Stars". We've already shot one

episode with Queen Latifah.

22.

CUT TO: QUEEN LATIFAH is standing next to MORT COLEMAN on a

dance floor. She is wearing a low-cut ball gown, and Mort is

in a tuxedo.

MORT

It's an honor to meet you,

Latifah. Or should I say queen?

QUEEN LATIFAH
Who you callin' bitch?

LATIFAH grabs MORT and throws him down on the floor. She

throws her massive breasts into his face.

MORT

(muffled)

No! Stop! Well...no, that's

okay...continue...

INT--JAMES WOODS HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM---NIGHT (CONTINUOUS)

PETER, BRIAN, CLEVELAND, QUAGMIRE, and JOE are standing in

the back of the GYM, observing the scene. They are all

drinking punch. Several GIRLS pass by.

QUAGMIRE

GIDDETY-GIDDETY-GIDDETY!

CLEVELAND

Yep.
 PETER

Yeah.

BRIAN

Oh, really. Get original.

MEG passes by with BILLY in tow without noticing the

"chaperons". BRIAN notices THREE TEENAGERS towards the front

of the stage, snickering at the couple. BRIAN wordlessly

exits from view.

PETER

(looking around)

Where'd Brian go? I need a refill

on my punch and he's got the

flask.

Out of nowhere, ten hands produce flasks of all different

shapes and sizes in front of PETER'S face. His eyes widen

even more when after a moment someone produces a smoke-laden

bong.
23.

PETER

Uh, thanks fellas. I don't suppose

you work in the fast food

industry, do you? Because I just

can't get this kind of service

anywhere else.

PETER grabs a flask but JOE snatches it out of his hand.

JOE

(pouring the booze

out onto the

floor)

Peter, you DO know that we are

supposed to be chaperoning, right?

And you DO remember that I am a

cop, right?

A quick TILT down reveals that an ATHLETIC BOY in a black

tux has gotten down on his knees behind an unwitting JOE,

gulping down the booze out of the flask.

PETER

(pointing down)

Gee, Joe, it's not ME who is

contributing to the delinquency of

a minor.

JOE

(glancing behind

him)

Yikes! I'm a bad man! Don't look

at me! Avert your eyes from the

fugitive!

JOE rolls quickly out-of-frame, embarrassed. The TEEN BOYS

behind him laugh and exchange high-fives.

CLEVELAND

Poor Joe. He is now in what they

call a moral quandry.

 QUAGMIRE

He's probably trying to get his

wife to put the cuffs on him right

now...oh, wait...alllllll

riiiiight!

The room darkens as the first dance begins. MEG and BILLY

begin dancing under a spotlight.

24.

PETER

Aw, look at my little girl,

Cleveland. She seems so happy.

(SIGHS) I guess I just need to

resign myself to the fact that

she's growing up and she doesn't

need daddy around to bail her out

of trouble...

(does a double

take)

Hey, is that guy feeling her up?

PETER rolls up a sleeve and starts to move over to the dance

floor when he is interrupted by a breathless BRIAN.

BRIAN

Peter! I just found out that some

of those girls over there are

planning on dumping something on

Meg when she goes onstage.

CLEVELAND

Like confetti?

BRIAN

No, like...well, I don't know.

QUAGMIRE

Balloons? Condoms?

BRIAN
I told you, I don't know.

PETER

Gosh, Brian. I thought dogs had

like instincts or super X-Ray

vision or something.

BRIAN

I must have left that in my other

suit.

CUT TO: the STAGE on the opposite end of the gym. CONNIE

enters to applause.

CONNIE

Thank you, Quahog. I'd like to

thank so many people for making

this a memorable year.

PETER

Blah, blah. Man, can this girl

yap. Get to the point.

25.

BRIAN

Don't you think we need to get

backstage and see what they're up

to?

PETER

You're right. Cleveland, Quagmire,

you guys cover me. (Shatner

dramatic) I'm...going in.

PETER moves to the right of stage, followed quickly by

CLEVELAND, BRIAN, and QUAGMIRE. CUT TO: STAGE, where CONNIE

continues her speech.

CONNIE

I'd also like to thank Mayor West,

who's been nothing if not

supportive of our efforts here at

J.W.H.S.

CUT TO: MAYOR WEST, munching on a brownie from off a

refreshment table. He waves. A TILT DOWN reveals that WEST

is wearing an expensive tuxedo with a sash that says

"MAYOR"...with no pants.

MAYOR

The cleaners were closed today.

Damn private enterprise.

CONNIE

And now the moment you've all been

waiting for, the announcement of

King and Queen of your prom!

Applause as PETER, BRIAN, CLEVELAND, and QUAGMIRE creep

close to the stage. PETER gives an Army Ranger-like signal,

which no one else understands. PETER gives up, frustrated,

and disappears around the back of the stage. There, he

discovers JAMES WOODS and TRISHA making out.

 PETER

What the hell?

CONNIE

(from off-screen)

And the winner of the King and

Queen of the Prom for James Woods

High School, school year 2006-2007

is....

BILLY and MEG cross their fingers. CLEVELAND and QUAGMIRE

are embraced, crossing their fingers. BRIAN pants.

26.

CONNIE

James Woods and Asian Reporter

Trisha Takinawa!!

SILENCE, then scattered APPLAUSE. A pan around the room

reveals shocked faces. JAMES WOODS and TRISHA TAKINAWA

stumble onto the stage, their own faces revealing surprise.

CROWNS are placed on their heads, and ROBES are placed

around their neck TRISHA receives a bouquet of flowers.

ASIAN REPORTER TRISHA TAKINAWA

(into microphone)

Diane Sawyer, eat your heart out!

JAMES WOODS

All I can say is...it's good to be

the king! Good night and good

luck.

JAMES WOODS and TRISHA turn to leave. A ton of SUPERBALLS

suddenly start dropping on their heads. They run for cover

to laughter and pointing from the audience, including MAYOR

WEST, who is in the corner, shaving his legs.

MAYOR

I wonder if these leg pimples are

noticable?
 BRIAN

(laughing)

That's what it was, Superballs?

CLEVELAND

Your assumption that they are

harmless fun is incorrect, Brian.

Those things will bounce

forever...no one is safe from

their awesome power.

BRIAN

It's like some kind of red

bouncing plague! Let's get out of

here.

QUAGMIRE

I just like saying "Super Balls".

And by that, I mean...diggety!

CONNIE, JAMES WOODS, and TRISHA TAKINAWA are huddled in a

corner as the SUPERBALLS bounce everywhere, hitting

everything in its path, causing people to trip and fall. MEG

and BILLY huddle under the stage, with PETER moving in

behind them.

27.

PETER

Bet this wasn't how you expected

this night to end, huh?

MEG

(surprised)

Dad!

PETER

Yeah, it's me. Sorry I crashed

your party but I was worried when

I heard that there was a plot to

embarrass you.
 BILLY

I'm sorry, too, Meg. I didn't want

to get involved, especially after

I found out what a really cool

chick you were.

PETER

Billy's the one who switched the

buckets from fish guts to

Superballs.

MEG

They were going to dump fish guts

on us!? Gross!

BILLY

Yeah. How do you think I felt?

This tux is a rental.

PETER
And he was the one who fixed it so

James Woods and Asian Reporter

Trisha Takinawa would win Prom

King and Queen.

MEG

(to Billy)

You did all that for us? That's so

sweet!

(grabs BILLY'S

hand)

PETER

And he enjoys the poems of James

Joyce.

(MEG and BILLY

turn to look at

PETER)

Hey, I checked out his MySpace. So

(MORE)

28.
 PETER (cont'd)

sue me.

ENTER STEWIE through the GYM DOOR. The SUPERBALLS have taken

over, bouncing so erratically that no one is safe. Everyone

has taken a defensive position. STEWIE calmly enters the

gym, producing his further-moderated hair dryer and points

it at the balls randomly, emitting a wave that suspends them

in mid-air.

STEWIE

My experiment is a success! My

first step towards world

domination! I guess this means I

better file my patent on Monday

morning.

The GYM suddenly empties in a rush, knocking STEWIE'S

wave-emitting device to the ground. STEWIE is struck by tons

of SUPERBALLS, knocking him to the ground as he reaches for

his device.

CUT TO: PETER, BILLY, and MEG walking away. PETER places his
arm around each of them.

PETER

So, Billy. Uh, Bill. I can call

you Bill, right?

BILLY

Sure, that's fine.

PETER

Your dad, uh, still work in the

Patriots front office?

MEG

(annoyed)

Dad!

BILLY

Yeah, he does.
 PETER

Just askin'. Bill, do you know

what a "dowry" is?

MEG

Daaad!

CUT TO: JAMES WOODS HIGH SCHOOL GYM. STEWIE'S "device" lies

several feet away from him, broken in pieces.

29.

STEWIE

Rosebud! Rosebud! Noooooooo!!

More SUPERBALLS tumble onto Stewie, as CREDITS ROLL.

FADE OUT.