It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those

good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man

who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a Fam ily Guy!

Happy birthday, Lois.

You know, today you officially become

the oldest woman I've ever slept with.

Yes. You said the same thing last year.

Well, unlike you,

that joke never gets old.

Oh, and I forgot to pick up the cake.

Hey, Lois, I don't like

any of these snacks.

Can I have something from the kitchen?

We can have snacks from the kitchen?

I could go for a sandwich.

No. No one gets snacks from the kitchen.

You see what you started?

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hi. I'm here for the pony rides.

- What?

- Oh, boy.

This-this must be

some sort of big mix-up.

Don't worry, Lois, I'll handle this.

- What's his name?

- Lightning.

(LAUGHS) That means he's fast.

So, uh, Lois, where are your parents?

Didn't they say they were coming?

Yeah, but I'm sure Daddy

had a last-minute work thing.

He's always put business first.

Even growing up, he never came

to any of my piano recitals.

It was the '80s, so he was always doing

cocaine-and-sushi business meetings.

All right, Hideki, it's a deal.

Now, let's celebrate

the way rich guys do, by

(INHALES DEEPLY)

Ah, damn it, I snorted the wrong one.

Ah, wasabi!

Wasabi in my nostril!

(GROANS)

Still better than sitting

through that piano thing.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Oh, hi, Daddy. You missed the party.

I know. I thought I'd apologize

with an upper-class

New England mumble-kiss.

(BOTH SMOOCHING)

- I'm so sorry, dear.

- It's okay.

And here, I brought you a gift.

- A gun?

- Yeah, you love guns.

No, I don't.

You don't know me at all.

I can't believe you'd blow off my party

then give me a handgun.

Especially when there's kids

in the house.

Hall. Kids in the Hall.

Damn it, Daddy.

I'm trying to explain that guns

are hazardous and unsafe,

not have a conversation about

a tepid 1990s Canadian sketch group.

You're wrong about guns and comedy.

I'm out of here.

Buh-bye.

Was that a tepid 1990s

David Spade reference?

People are allowed to like things!

Peter, you want to watch Netflix?

Yeah, let's watch one of those

stand-up specials.

There's a bunch of 'em,

they got to be good.

No. No.

Tom Segura? No.

Chinese girl.

Another Chinese girl.

No. No.

Anjelah Johnson?

Geez, they're giving one

of these to everyone.

- How come I don't have one?

- You do, Peter.

This is the taped intro.

Mr. Griffin, you're on.

- (APPLAUSE)

Good evening, Ithaca Civic Auditorium.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

So I'm thinking I might get a bike.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

You know, one of these things?

Ring-ring, ring-ring.

"I'll get you, Toto!" (CHUCKLES) Yeah.

I'm thinking I might.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Okay, I'm off to the grocery store.

- So, what'd you do with the gun?

- Gun?

Yeah, my father gave me a gun

as a present yesterday.

Where was that during birthday sex?

Maybe I would have finished.

Unlike you, guns can actually fire.

I don't think this marriage needs a gun.

Anyway, I hid the gun someplace safe

until I can figure out how to

properly dispose of it.

So don't get any ideas.

Good for Lois.

Guns are a major problem,

especially in the hands

of someone like

(GUNSHOT, GLASS BREAKING)

It was in a box with

Chris's adoption papers Oh.

You heard nothing.

Hi, I got my gun here.

I'd like to rent a stall, please.

Sure. You need a tutorial

before you start?

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, it's a gun range.

I think I got it.

Wait! I think I did it wrong.

So how was the gun range, Dad?

Did you shoot up

that silhouette real good?

(LAUGHS) That is so my dad.

Now here to sing

the Heart classic "Alone"

is Chris Griffin.

I hear the ticking of the clock

I'm lying here

The room's pitch dark

 I wonder where you are tonight

No answer on the telephone.

PETER: Turn around.

ANNOUNCER: We now return

to The Orville on Fox.

Why do you hate that show so much?

(DIFFERENT VOICE):

Because it's preventing me

from doing my work here at Family Guy.

Damn it, I think

I loaded a bullet wrong.

All right, let's all take turns

looking down the barrel

with one eyeball and see if we

can figure out what's going on.

Chris, you go first.

Oh, my God, Peter. Give me that.

This gun is not staying in this

house for one more second.

I'm giving it back to my father.

Yeah, it's been a disaster.

Like when Peter was the only one

not wearing black jeans

at a Rush concert.

(CHEERING)
Sing "Tom Sawyer"!

We already did.

And what are you wearing?!

What? These are my concert khakis.

Beat him! Beat him in six-eight time.

And don't let him escape

to the completely unoccupied

ladies' room.

Ah! No. Please,

uncles who voted for

Gary Johnson, leave me alone.

(WHIMPERING)

And now a song about radio towers.

Daddy?

Daddy, are you there?

(WHISPERING):

Don't do anything to scare him.

He flew on my shoulder

while I was having a lemonade.

- Daddy, I

- (SQUAWKING)

What?

Daddy, you need to take this gun back.

I never should have accepted it

in the first place.

And you never should have

given it to me.

Are you sure?

I bought it at Anthropologie.

Oh.

Wait a minute, what am I saying?

No. You have to take it back.

I'm not. You're keeping it. It's a gift.

Damn it, Daddy, why won't you

just take the gun?

Oh, my God! Daddy!

I'm so sorry.

(GASPS) It can't be too serious.

They haven't done an overhead

crane shot yet.

Oh, God! There it is!

- I'm calling 911.