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INTERVIEW
Alex Allman

Adam Gilad
Gilad Creative Media, Inc.

March 2010

ADAM
Welcome! Today I am talking to a very good friend of mine, and someone who has a
lot to say - so I am going to really pump you on this one because I know how much
you have to offer! He is a good friend of mine; we hang out together. He is really a
master at changing his life and living the life he loves. We have kind of a similar
background; we have both been writers in Hollywood in the past - and I want to
welcome Alex Allman.

ALEX
Hey, how are you Adam? I can’t believe you “outed” me as a Hollywood writer -
unbelievable!

ADAM
Well, we both have that nefarious background! You are not just a Hollywood writer;
I mean, well, what people don’t realize about being a writer, a really good writer, is
that you really have to understand people. And one thing I love about your work -
you are the author of “Revolutionary Sex”, correct?

ALEX
Yes.

ADAM
And you are the author of a really interesting Program called “Passionate Lover,
Passionate Life” - is that correct, or is it the other way around?

ALEX
“Passionate Lover, Passionate Life”, yes.

ADAM
And this is why Alex and I really are on the same path; because we both know, we
are both old enough, we are both in our let’s call them “significant forties” - a new
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term; I just made it up! - We are both old enough to know that, you know, you cannot
separate your love life or your sex life from your actual life.
Now Alex, I tell you, I got a little Facebook chat this morning from a guy in
Malaysia, you know, who said, “Hi Adam! I read your stuff!” And I said “Thank
you”, and he said “Can I ask you a question?” and I said, “Yes”; and he goes, “How
do I get more women into bed?”
Like twenty-four years’ old! And I said, “Be an admirable man”. And he wrote back
and he goes “Well how do I do that’”; and I said “Well first of all, get my book ‘Deep
Attraction Online’ and it will take you through what is it to be an attractive man, and
how to convey it”… But it is amazing to me that someone could even ask that
question and expect an answer in a Facebook chat!
I think you and I both know that it is how you live your life. And there is something
about vibrancy. You are one of the most vibrant people. When you look at you, I
mean, clearly you work out - you are not a muscle guy but you have an amazing
physique and energy - and before we get into anything else, let’s get into that. What
do you do?

ALEX
Before we say anything else, these folks need to see me with my shirt off! I think that
should be…

ADAM
Well maybe we can post a picture! But it’s true! I mean, you really… you have the
body of like a guy in his young thirties, I would say; or even late twenties! You have
an amazing physique. But it is not just the physique - you are energetic. So why
don’t you give us some tips? Because I think… look, I am going to quote my son.
When my son was fourteen and he was watching “Mystery Speak”, we wandered into
a seminar and he said, “Dad, what’s wrong with these guys? It’s not that hard! You
get a plastic surgery, go to the gym, and get a puppy. That’s the secret, right?” Age
fourteen!
And the second part - go to the gym - is really important! And guys are saying,
“Well, how do I meet women?” Well, yes, you have got to be fit! And you tell
women the same thing. So what are some of your quick secrets about having a really
lean, impressive physique and body energy?

ALEX
Well, I strongly recommend that you get born with the right genetics first of all - that
is a big, big help! And the truth is - I mean, I can’t lie, a lot of it is genetics in my
case; I have good genes - but I also care about fitness. And it is funny because
obviously I came onto this phone call as “The author of ‘Revolutionary Sex’”,
thinking we were going to talk a lot about sex; and we go right into my gym habits!
But I do talk about this a lot. Because being in shape does so much more for you than
give you a nice-looking body. A nice-looking body is good; I mean there is nothing
wrong with a nice-looking body. And masculine strength is a huge turn-on; it is nice
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to be able to pick your woman up and kind of throw her on the bed; and she can feel
that; and she gets to touch you, and you’re hard - and all that stuff is good.
But more than that is it really does affect your psychology. And for me, I can
remember a lot of times, particularly when I was a writer in Hollywood, when things
weren’t going so well for me professionally, or at other times in my life when things
maybe weren’t going well socially, but there are certain things you can really control
in your life - and one of them happens to be your health. And if you think that you
can’t control that, good luck trying to control your relationship, because now you
have got a dynamic system that other people are involved - you know, there is this
woman, and she doesn’t necessarily agree with everything that you like in life. But
you can really take control of yourself.
And it is a great place to start, I think, and a place where you can learn a lot about
yourself. If you make a commitment, that you are going to show up at the gym at,
you know, whatever your commitment is - for me it is 6pm, and yours might be 6am -
but if you can make a commitment to yourself to show up to the gym and you
actually do show up, that is significant.
And you can change your body; you know, you can actually change your genetic
destiny. You can get in there and you can do stuff. And so there is this sense of
honoring commitments that you make with yourself. And if you take your life
seriously - and you ought to because you are not likely to get another one that you
remember, you know, even if you believe in reincarnation - this is your life. And I
think that your life merits your serious attention. I think it merits you saying, “Hey,
I’m not half-assing my OWN life!”
You know, all you have is this life and the attention - you know, wherever you put
your attention in life, that’s it! That is all you are going to see and that is all you are
going to have. And there was a long, long period of time before you were born. And
you just weren’t around! You weren’t part of history. And guess what? There is
going to be a long, long period of time after you die. You are here for this little sliver
in the middle. This is you. And you ought to take it seriously. And taking it
seriously, I think it behooves you to take your health seriously; to put good food into
your body, and to get good exercise.
And the final thing I want to say about it, which I think is the most important part -
kind of saving the best for last - is that being in good physical condition, and getting
to the gym, releases various hormones in your brain that make you a happier person,
and a more masculine person, and a person who feels more in control of things.
And we all know - I just really want to hammer home how important these brain
chemicals are - we all know that on some days we feel a lot of anxiety and we feel
like things are kind of crappy; and on other days we just feel like we are “on”, and the
game is beautiful, and everything is great. And what has changed from one day to the
other usually is nothing at all; it has nothing to do with anything that is exterior to us -
it is just our hormones and brain chemistry. And you really get to improve your brain
chemistry by showing up at the gym.
So, yes, I guess I had something to say about that!
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ADAM
It is, yes. And it’s funny; we’re very similar - I often talk about our short period of
life here. And I also did a lot of research on Candace Pert’s work on brain chemistry
back when I was doing a project on humor; how just laughing literally affects your
brain chemistry and makes you happier.
It is really important to laugh. It is really important to be happy. And when your
body is confident and vibrant, you feel more confident and vibrant. And it is not just
psychological - it is chemical.
And I like to use the words “vibrancy” and “vitality” because it is not about muscle,
per se, for most guys. But I find that women often say, when I ask them, “Well, what
attracted you to me?” and they say, “Well you seemed so happy”, you know? And I
have seen it happen with some of our friends, some of the people you know - just put
out a happy energy. And people want to be around happy people. As well they
should.
Any quick tips on food; on how you eat?

ALEX
Brocoli!

ADAM
Ha ha! You’re my mother!

ALEX
Dude, I eat a lot of green vegetables. And there is a process that happens where,
when you make the decision… no this is… I have got to get into something a lot
deeper than this - and you are going to like where I am going.

ADAM
Okay.

ALEX
We decide that we are the kind of guy that works out or the kind of guy that sits on
the couch and eats Doritos. We decide that. And then we think, “Oh, this is who I
am. I am a guy who drinks Dr. Pepper and eats Doritos. That’s who I am. I am that
guy.” And we begin to build a persona around that. And it becomes our excuse:
“Why aren’t you in shape?” “Oh because I’m the guy that drinks Dr. Pepper and
eats Doritos - that’s who I am!” “You don’t want to…?” “I’m just being authentic to
me! I’m being authentic!”

Now it turns out that that is a crock of shit! That you get a default identity that you
didn’t really form yourself, but was largely formed by your peers and your parents
and, you know, what got you what you wanted in life, and what didn’t get you what
you wanted - and various things happen. It is a very, very random process.
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It is like your elementary school friends: it was kind of a small pool of people there
and you kind of, you know, whoever you sat next to probably ended up like your first
friend. They are “default” friends. But you get to choose your friends much more
wisely as an adult. You get to choose your identity, too.

The reason that I love broccoli and green vegetables is because somewhere along the
line I made a decision that I am a healthy guy - and I am THAT guy. I am that guy; I
am that weirdo that likes broccoli better than ice cream! And it is not just a question
of taste. I GET that ice cream tastes good; and I get that broccoli tastes good - and
they both taste good to me! But one of them I have some kind of an emotional
identity… I just made a decision on that guy. And it really is that simple. It really is
an identity-level thing. Well, I shouldn’t say “It is that simple” - it is “that complex.”

But you actually have the ability to make these changes. And until you do, you are
not going to like broccoli better, you know? But it is not a taste bud decision. It
really isn’t. It really is a decision based on your ability to decide who you are going to
be.

And you get to! That is the incredible thing - is you really do get to! And learning
that; waking up to that possibility that, “Oh, I get to DECIDE who I am!” is the most
powerful moment in life. I mean, when you wake up to that you realize how infinite
your potential is.

ADAM
I love that. And you know, when men write to me, when I talk to men - who are
mostly in their forties - who feel like, “Oh God it’s too late. I’m going to have to
settle for, you know, a woman who is bitter…” I have heard this! Like, “I’m going to
have to settle” - it is an attitude that “I am really, really fucking against this whole
Program.” And again, it is the decision you make today: “Who am I going to be?”
There is nobody telling you who you have to be. There is no teacher, there is no
parent; there is no Government program that says, “This is your identity.” And you
know, you say this over and over, until one day you just kind of wake up and go, “Oh,
I get to be whatever I want!” It is like a kid dressing up for Halloween: “I’m going
to be Superman! Here’s what I’m doing - I’m putting on a cape”, right? It is really
that simple.

ALEX
Yes. Well, you know, of course I want to… may I dig even a little deeper into this?
Can I go down this road? Because this is something that is really, really important to
me.

ADAM
It may be too deep for me - but go ahead.
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ALEX
Okay. Well you were just talking a little bit about my “Passionate Lover, Passionate
Life” Program - and it is kind of the center of that Program; basically just the basic
overview of it is that you can use almost anything in life as your “exercise machine
for becoming a better you.” It could be your career; and it could be, you know,
climbing Mount Everest. It could be anything.
Very often it is your relationship. And relationships are enormously difficult; to have
a really beautiful, exquisite, loving relationship requires an unbelievable amount of
attention, and work, and commitment to keeping it in that space. And really believing
in the fun of doing that - in the same way I guess that somebody who climbs Everest
believes somehow that there is pleasure in THAT pain, you know; that there is really
something worth that commitment.
And so “Passionate Lover, Passionate Life” basically says “Let’s take sex and figure
out how to be passionate in this place; and then use that to enrich our entire life, and
figure out how to use that as the vehicle to grow into being a more powerful man” -
the aim of “Passionate Lover, Passionate Life”, right?
So the kernel of this whole thing - I am just going to give away the whole thing - the
kernel of this whole thing is this process of deciding who you are going to be and
making this transformation.
Now, on the one hand it is easy, because all you have to do is decide to do it - you
know, that is why we are saying “You know, it’s easy! You really can be anybody
you want - just put on the cape!” On the other hand, on the other hand, if we are not
just pretending - because now, we all get that there is a way to be authentic and a way
to just pretend; I mean, you can pretend to be a certain kind of guy when you are with
a woman, and it is not authentic; and at some point she may wake up to the fact that
that is not who you really are. So that kind of flies in the face of this idea of “You
can be whoever you really want.”
So what is really going on here? And the thing that makes it complex is that to really
become somebody else; to really get what you want in life, you need to become the
person that gets that thing; and to really become that person means not just becoming
that person but killing off the old person, killing off who you were.
And this is a natural process that happens through our life. And if you really stop and
you think about it for a minute - whoever is listening to this - if you really stop and
think about this, you know you are not the same person you used to be. You don’t
have the same tastes; I mean, you probably used to like, I don’t know, Mr. Rogers or
Dungeons and Dragons - whatever you used to be into - I don’t know what you were
into but you are not into that now in all likelihood. If you look back at who you were
ten years ago you will see that in many, many ways you are a different person. There
are pieces of you that died off; you didn’t need them any more. And new pieces were
acquired.
Now, taking conscious control of this is what I am talking about. But being able to,
in that moment, say, “I AM going to be this cool guy”, so that later she doesn’t go,
“Oh it turns out he is not really that cool - he was deceiving me; he wasn’t being
authentic.” Well, that second part is killing off who you were. And that is a
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profoundly scary thing to do. It is terrifying to kill off who you were and those parts
of you that weren’t serving you, because if you are not that, then what are you?
And the feeling is very similar to the feeling of death: you get that kind of like almost
like panicky feeling that you would have, you know, leaning out way over a cliff.
There is this sense of, “Wait a minute! If I am not going to be me, what did I look
like? How is that going to be?” And your ego gets freaked out!
And there is this moment where it can all turn around. And it is the death of that little
piece that you didn’t need. And it turns out, as scary as it is approaching it, the
moment you have actually made the decision and crossed that line and you have
decided to be a new person, it is easy; it turns out to be not complex at all. And it is
usually just a question of accepting something you used to be afraid of, and just being
like “Okay, I am not willing to be afraid of that any more.”

ADAM
Can you give an example of how you might have done this in your own life? Or if
you have seen someone do it? I have a bunch of thoughts - but I want to hear you
first. I can go first if you want and give you a chance to think - because I have had a
chance to think while you were talking!

ALEX
Yes, let me just give you a quick example. I remember feeling at one time very self-
conscious about the fact that a lot of my friends were much more financially
successful than I was. And I felt like if we were having a conversation about - I don’t
know - fighting or something that I am good at; or, you know, what our body looks
like in the mirror (what we were just talking about) I would feel pretty good. But
when we started talking about money, or business, I would kind of not… I would feel,
even if I had something to contribute to the conversation, I wouldn’t. I felt like the
kid in the room. I felt a lot of insecurity around that.
And it turns out that that feeling itself was what made them much more financially
successful than I was: they felt comfortable and confident around business. And I felt
insecure and weird around business. And so I couldn’t really do it right. I couldn’t
interact with other people who were making these decisions, in a way that made them
feel confident enough to want to take chances on me.
And stepping into that role of being a powerful businessman just made no sense to
me; I was like, “Well I am going to have to get an MBA to do that! I am going to
need to KNOW something; I am going to have to LEARN something so that I can be
confident in that.” And that turned out to not be the truth at all.
And I can actually remember - it was a New Year’s Eve, and I was talking to our
friend Rose; and she really pointed out to me that I was fearing being good at
business because if I failed at it, I would be less of a man; that that would somehow
be a threat to my masculinity. And she was right on. I mean, it really was this whole
thing of, “What if I really went for it and I turned out to be bad at it - I would
somehow be humiliated.” And she said, “When you think about it, like if somebody
else was going through that process, would you think, ‘What a dick!’? Like nobody
judges you for this but you. This is totally in your own head.”
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And actually I started to cry. I realized like, “Oh my God! The only person who has
been holding me back is me.”

ADAM
Yes.

ALEX
And I felt like a lot of adrenaline coming up. Like part of me wanted to smack her in
the face, and just be like, “Fuck you!” - I mean, I was so… that was how much
emotion was coming up for me!

ADAM
Wow!

ALEX
But I could see that she wasn’t trying to humiliate me. I was very embarrassed that
she was saying this; but she wasn’t feeling like I had anything to be embarrassed
about. All of it was in me. And in that moment, I just kind of let it go. And there
was this moment of like approaching death; there was this moment of like it was
scary, and weird, and I wanted to cry - and it was like all this childish stuff, you
know?
And then when I let it go, I just said, “Well, I just don’t need that any more. Thank
you. Okay.” And then I just started my business; and everything went well. And I
started interacting with people in a different way, in a very credible way, because I
had stepped into a new identity.

ADAM
I love it! And you know, we are talking about something - and you are going to
appreciate this, being a screenwriter; now that I have “outed” you! - In my Program,
in this Program about dating after thirty-five and forty, I introduced a few archetypes;
because by now we have all lived some cycles of life. And one of the archetypes is
the Hero. And what you are describing in the Hero’s journey is the cave; is going
into the cave and slaying the dragon. There is a reason that, in every culture in the
world, there is - and I think it is the “seventh step of the nine steps” - where you go
into the cave, and you slay the dragon, and you come out with the treasure; and the
dragon always represents your deepest fear.
And the reason why this story is told everywhere is because it is a story, as a “Hero”,
meaning as someone who is really striving to change and grow, you are going to have
to kill something before you get the treasure. And what you kill is ALWAYS your
greatest fear.
And what is interesting is you and I have, again, a similar story here: I was a full-
time writer, and I met a woman online who was a gezillionaire. And we went to the
first party we went to - it was our second date - and on the first date I went to pick her
up, and I passed through the gates, and came upon what was a $14 million mansion -
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which was astonishing for me; I had never seen a house like this, except in Newport,
in Rhode Island, you know?
And she came toddling out of her house, and we go round the circular driveway, and
we go to another house. And there were Picassos on the wall; and it is just another
mansion. And the art collection (I have a background din Art History) was
astonishing! And I was a little bit overwhelmed. And I said to her, “Can I ask you
something? What does it take to run your house? What’s your knot budget? - because
she had, I had noticed there were three maids there. And she says, “It is about $60
thousand a month”. And I said “$60 thousand a month?” And she goes “Yes”; and I
go, “That’s a lot of money”.
And she looked at me she goes, “You know what? Actually it isn’t. Look around
this room. You know, you are as smart as any of these people; you know, you are as
personable; you are definitely more creative. They just decided they were going to
make a lot of money. You know, you decided to become a writer and do other things.
If you had decided to make a lot of money, you could make a lot of money. There is
no-one really stopping anybody, if they set their minds to it.”
And I remember thinking, at that moment, “My life just changed.” And no one had
ever said that to me before. And I was forty - I think I was thirty-nine or forty - right
there. And no one had ever said that to me before. Maybe if they had said it when I
was younger I wouldn’t have heard it because I wanted to be an artist…

ALEX
Absolutely. And my friend, not only that, but you were ready to hear it in many other
ways as well. I mean, I totally agree with that story, because a lot of people actually
ARE completely focused on making money and they are STILL not, you know,
making money in such a way that they have a $14 million home with Picassos on the
wall and a $60 thousand a month knot of servants. Why not? Because THEY are not
believing in them!

ADAM
Yes.

ALEX
When she said to you, “You are as smart as any of the people in this room; you are as
creative as any of the people; you are more personable than the people in this room” -
when she said that, you believed her.

ADAM
I did.

ALEX
Yes. But there are people who hear that and don’t believe it.

ADAM
Okay. So let’s get into that…
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ALEX
That is the distinction. That is the thing; is getting that belief in your head, really
believing it; to believe that “I am as smart as any of these people maybe means I need
to kill off something that was in me that didn’t believe that; the old me who thought,
‘Oh, I am the guy that eats Doritos and drinks Coke’ instead of ‘I’m the guy who is
into health - that is one of the things that… that’s me! That is part of who I am.’”

ADAM
I was actually taking a walk with my mom today, and she was talking about how
angry she was at her father about something, you know; and my mom is eighty-one.
And I said, “What do you think mom? Time to let that go?” you know? And she said,
“Well, you know, in your life I hope you will let go of what you are angry with us
for.” And I said, “I am not really angry. You guys did a great job. I had a great
childhood, I always felt loved.” And - like you said about genetics - I happen to be
really lucky. So I think I had that foundation.
So let’s talk right now: if there are guys listening - and I am sure there are - who feel
stuck, who don’t feel super-creative, who don’t feel that they are really using their
intelligence well; what I really want this Program to be is “How do you leverage what
you are GOT?” Like how do you take your skills and really hone them?
And I think what you have hit on is you have got to make a decision. You have got to
make a decision you are not going to be that person. Because you know what I did
after this Alex? I don’t think you know this story. I was a writer, and there came a
point where I had zero income - just like every writer; suddenly none of your movies
are selling! And I decided to start really learning about what is happening with the
internet and how can you teach over the internet, and how can you learn over the
internet.
And I was doing a tele-seminar, or a webinar - this was four or five years ago when I
really decided to really learn this stuff - and I was at my desk, doing a webinar, and
my eleven-year-old son toddled in; and he was just watching me - he does that - you
know, he was just watching me quietly. And when it was over he said to me, “You
know what dad? A lot of people talk about getting rich - but you are doing something
about it!”
And I have got to tell you, that was like I think one of the proudest moments of my
life, because, just like you said, here I was, forty years’ old; you know, I had had
some success in different areas of my life but I was not wealthy, I had no position in
the world, you know; I didn’t own anything; I didn’t really have any great accolades -
but I knew I had a lot of ability. And here I was learning a whole new business and a
whole new world - and it helped to have a son, you know, tell me that.
So for anybody listening, you know, you have got to listen to the people who
encourage you. So if you want to make a change in your life; if you want to start
your own business, you have got to hang around entrepreneurs; you have got to go to
those seminars - you know, just start hanging around with those people. Get rid of
the people who are eating Doritos! Get rid of the people who complain about their
jobs!
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So I am going to give an exercise right now; which is I want everyone to listen with
their ears to ANYONE in your life who complains about their life. I cut out people in
my life - with intention - who complain about their life. Or who put me down - you
know, there are always some guys who get off by putting people down; who are like
supposedly your “friend”. I cut them out. I stop taking their calls; I was “always
busy.”
I want people to listen. If you are in a job where people come in and complain, really
think about getting yourself out of that job. If you hang out with friends who
complain about their lives, complain about women, “This is the way women are” -
that is not true! Women are that way to these guys because they are assholes! Right?
I’m on fire now! Okay, help me out there Alex!

ALEX
No man, you are so on target.

ADAM
Yes, really look at your life! Clean it out! That is your first step.

ALEX
Yes. You know, there is an easy exercise you can do also. It is not always 100% but
it is so damn close to always being 100%, it is spooky - and it was our friend Eben
Pagan that told me about this. He said if you just take your five closest friends (and
by “closest friends”, the ones you spend the most time with - so a friend who you
have always felt is like a brother to you, who you met in junior high but you haven’t
spoken to in ten years doesn’t count - but the five people you actually spend the most
time with, who are your buddies) and you take all their salaries and you add them up
and divide by five, so you get their exact average - there you are! There you are!
And it’s true! There you are!
You will become who you spend your time with. That’s it.

ADAM
Yes. So be very careful.

ALEX
You will become who you spend your time with. And the thing about choosing very
wisely is, I mean, what a fucking incredible leverage point for your life! And if you
are NOT doing that, then, again, you are not taking your life very seriously! And you
ought to!
I don’t know how many ways to say this - but you ought to take your life as if it is a
pretty serious thing!

ADAM
Yes, absolutely. And a fun thing. But yes, take it seriously so you can have fun. So I
think we have hit this first point really hard: which is you have got to get control of
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every aspect of your life; and like you said, leverage it and choose who you are going
to be.
There is my friend, Satyen Raja, who you know of…

ALEX
I love Satyen.

ADAM
Yes, he is in this Program - and he kicked ass when he talked about “What does it
mean to be free?” But he said something to me… we were talking about reincarnation
- you know, he is from a Hindu background (well he is not really Hindu) and he said,
“You know, why wait till you die to be reincarnated? Why don’t you reincarnate
yourself right fucking now? Not tomorrow; not next week; not next semester - but
right now! Choose now!”
And the woman in my life right now, who you also know, who is magnificent - and
her refrain is always “It’s a choice. Everything. It’s a choice. Choose who you are
going to be.” We’re grown-ups. We are over thirty-five, we are over forty; you
know, it is time to take control of your food, your exercise, your mind, and, you know
recommend Tony Robbins and all that stuff - it really is true! You know, you take
control of what your mind does.
And if anyone has ever done any Buddhist meditation, that whole process is really
getting a grip on what your mind is doing; just being quiet and watching what your
mind creates out of nothing. It is not you. It is just the chatter of your mind.
So, getting control of your body; getting control of your mind. And now let’s talk
about women. How’s that for a segue?

ALEX
That’s a good segue! It’s a good segue. I’ll add one more reframe on it, because it is
just an attractive way of seeing it. And again it comes from Eben Pagan, and actually
his friend Dean Jackson. And the two of them made an observation once about very
successful people; and the observation they made was that they appointed themselves
- nobody appointed them. They self-appointed.
And frequently, I mean, you can clearly see that, like them or not, Barack Obama
appointed himself President long before the American people even voted for him -
and in fact the news media even said a couple of things like, “This guy is so sure he
won, and he hasn’t won, and it is a little unsettling.” But he had just, in his mind he
was like, “I am the President. I appoint myself President of the United States of
America.” And we all caught up and voted for him because he seemed pretty sure of
it.
And if you don’t like Barack Obama, then maybe you like the guy that came before
him, George Bush, or vice-versa - but it was the same exact thing. And I remember,
right from the Primaries, when he was up again McCain in the Primaries - this was
the first time Bush was elected - and everybody was sure that McCain was going to
win; I mean, it didn’t even occur to anybody that this guy from Texas with literally no
resume was going to win! But he self-appointed. He absolutely did. You could see
 13

in his mind when he walked out there and he was like, “Well, I’m from Texas; I’m
going to be the President of the United States of America.”
And you could just see it! He had self-appointed. And anybody that wins at anything
does that. You decide: “Yes, I am going to be a great lover. I am going to be a man
that women go crazy over. I am going to be…” whatever you want to be! But that
ability to appoint yourself - and believe yourself, and believe yourself - to appoint
yourself to that position, with absolute congruity, changes everything!
Now let’s talk about chicks!

ADAM
Yes! Let’s apply that. Let’s take it on two levels. Number one: as a man over
thirty-five / over forty, how do you self-appoint yourself, “I am attractive to women.
I am more attractive than a guy who is twenty-five to thirty because…”? Why? What
do you do?

ALEX
Well, I don’t want to blow smoke up anybody’s ass. And if you are, you know, really
an ugly, unpersonable, boring person… No, I’m kidding!

ADAM
No! Don’t!

ALEX
But here is the thing, here is the thing: when I say I don’t want to blow smoke up
anybody’s ass, I want to say it is not necessarily easy; it really isn’t necessarily easy
to self-appoint, to say, “I am an attractive man” - and believe it. It is easy to say, of
course - anybody can move their mouth and make the words. But to BELIEVE it
is… that is the secret sauce. And the question of how you do it has some complexity
to it.
You know, there is this idea of being internally validated, versus externally validated.
Internally validated people are people like Christopher Columbus who says, “The
world is round”; and everybody else says, “No it’s not - it’s flat!” And he is like “No.
I believe ME more than I believe you.” Internally validated people have a sense of
their own worth - whether or not things are going well around them.
Whereas externally validated people, you know, when things are going well they are
happy and they feel like, “Yes, yes, I’m great!” And then when things go badly they
are like, “Oh I’m stupid, stupid, stupid!” They don’t have a… their ability to
maintain their sense of self in the face of external change.
And so what we are really talking about here is how do you go from externally
validated to internally validated? And there is a terrible, terrible truth to this - or an
ironic, funny truth, depending on how you want to frame it - which is the more
externally validated you are, the easier it is to be internally validated. So guys that
are successful with women, they are internally validated, period. I mean, that is just
what it takes. If you are externally validated; if you are always waiting from
somebody else to, you know, tell you that you are okay, or handsome; or you are not
 14

going to be able to believe it, then you are not real popular with the ladies. And that
is just the way it is.
If you have been to some of these events where, you know, men are shy men learning
how to meet women, you will see a LOT of very handsome men. I mean, really
shocking!

ADAM
That’s true.

ALEX
I am often blown away by some of the men that show up at some of these seminars
that I speak at. And we were just at the “Man Transformation” together - and I mean,
there were guys in that audience that looked like Abercrombie models!

ADAM
Yes.

ALEX
And I thought to myself, “What the fuck is wrong with you? Just stand there, keep
your mouth shut and you’re going to get laid!” you know? But the reality is they
lacked confidence, and confidence is it. That is the whole ball game in one little
thing.
But generally we have this observation in life that generally people that are rich and
handsome seem to be very confident. And that is because it is easier to be internally
validated when everybody on the outside is validating you too. So if everybody is
going, “Oh, you’re dreamy, you’re awesome! Wow, you’re a handsome guy! God,
you’re a sexy, handsome, athletic, smart guy” - and they hear it a lot; and so it is easy
for them to believe it. And then that builds the confidence enough so that when
somebody else comes along and goes, you know, “Fuck you! You don’t matter.
Nobody is interested in you!” they are like, “No, I don’t believe that. I’m internally
validated. I know I’m good. I know I’m good.”
And you know, a professional athlete gets that; a lot of external validation… So it is
EASY for them to be internally validated, right?

ADAM
Yes.

ALEX
And so this is the challenge now, this is the challenge: is in the face of NOT getting a
lot of external validation - in other words women are not currently tripping all over
themselves to give you their phone number - how do you become internally
validated?
Because that is the whole thing; once you are internally validated, Game Over! They
will all be coming up with their phone numbers and then you will get the external
 15

validation that will keep the internal validation going. It really is a question of
digging deep - and it is not easy - digging deep and getting yourself to believe in who
you are, and in your value as a man.

ADAM
Well let’s talk about that because, as I was saying before, I’m lucky; my parents
supported me, they loved me. Not everybody felt that way growing up, so they don’t
have that first language of self-validation. And that got me through all kinds of
trouble, you know, all kinds of dark times - because inside, no matter how bad I felt,
like you said, I was able to tap some resource that I’m worth something, because I
just grew up that way. And it is like a sort of first language.
So if someone doesn’t have that first language, I think one of the things you have to
do, especially regarding women, is really decide, you know, what are your best
qualities. And I talk about this with online dating; I say go to the people you are
closest to and say, “Listen, I want you to take this seriously; I want you to tell me
what are three great things about me.” And ask women, you know, “What are
three… what is attractive about me?” you know? And then - and here is the second
question - “How can I be more attractive in that quality?”
Now, I will say something here. I mentioned the Hero’s journey before. The Hero’s
journey is interesting because he is on a journey; he is on the road of trials. He is out
there fighting dragons; he is learning, he is getting the weapons, he is making new
friends. This is why we watch movies: every single movie you have ever seen is a
Hero’s journey structure - we can go into that some other time. But that is
interesting.
A guy who sits and eats Doritos and doesn’t change his life is inherently not
interesting, and women will not be interested in you. So, this is the Warrior’s path;
this is the Hero’s path. You actually - here is your next exercise - think and ask three
people who are close to you, including a woman (ask ten if you are really brave!) ask
them, “What is attractive about me?” And then when they say it, say, “How could I
be even more attractive in this realm?”
Now, it may sound like a crazy thing to do, but this is how you effectuate change.
And it’s funny Alex, even as we are talking now, I remember when I first got
divorced and I felt LOUSY about myself; I literally thought no one would ever date a
failure like me. And I am not even kidding - I really thought that. I thought I was fat,
and bald, and dumb, and a failure - and that I had lost my family. That is how I felt.
And I remember, I had a woman friend who really got me through it; and she was
telling me all the time, she says, “You are a volcano! You are a sexual volcano!”
And it’s funny, you know, I haven’t thought about this in years - but I remember
hearing it and like, “Oh God, what an idiot you must be to think that about me.” you
know, because I didn’t have the internal talk.
And fast-forward a bunch of years: now that I am actually really happy and sort of on
fire about life, and changing, and growing, you know, I get an entirely different kind
of attention from women - and I believe them. You know, I don’t over-believe it…
 16

ALEX
Dude, I have just one thing I do want to tell you: you are a sexual volcano!

ADAM
I am a sexual volcano!

ALEX
You are, yes.

ADAM
I don’t want to, you know, go public with this! But it just struck me: I just didn’t
believe her. And I put her down. So the reason I bring this us is this: if you ask some
women in your life, if you ask some friends in your life, “What is attractive about
me?” especially - you have got to ask the women, okay? Your friends. Don’t be
embarrassed. And really say to them, “I am really trying to understand myself and I
am really trying to grow.” You have got to be able to hear what they say. You can’t
just put them down or assume… go, “Oh, they don’t know what they’re talking
about” or “They’re just trying to make me feel good.” Really listen to them. And if
they give you a generality, ask for a specific. If they say, “You know what I really
like about you? You’re really kind.” say “Okay, thank you. Can you give me an
example of when did you first think that? What did I do?”
And do some fucking research on your life! You will be amazed at what you learn
about how you come off to other people.

ALEX
Yes. There is a… you know, even if you just said, “Who do you think I am? Who am
I to you?” That is a great exercise too, you know, just to… not even good qualities; it
is like, “Who am I? Am I the class clown, or am I the… Who am I in your life? Who
am I? Who do YOU say I am?”
And, you know, it is amazing how differently people view you than you think that
they do. First of all, all the things that you think that you are hiding from them - they
know! And second of all, all the reasons that you were hiding them because you
thought that they would like judge you for you - they don’t! They don’t give a shit!
In fact often they like those qualities about you!
It is so funny how off you really are; you have no idea how people think about you.
And if you can get somebody to really “no-bullshit” look you in the eye and tell you
who you are, you will be amazed at how much people like you and how much more
they actually get the things that you think you are hiding, like, “Trust me - you are so
not effectively hiding the things that you think that you are!” They know about all
your insecurities and whatever.
And the thing is, they are twice as insecure as you are so they don’t think it’s weird!
This process of self-acceptance, man, it is just powerful!
But here is another thing I really want to add here to your exercise; which is you are
not allowed to say “Thank you” or “You think so?” or… In fact, say nothing! The
 17

only correct response is to look somebody dead in the eye, give a little nod that, you
know, you heard them - but do not make any excuses, or, “Oh, you only think that
because I did this” or “I’m not really that way”. I mean, if you say shit, you will ruin
it! You need to listen. And people don’t listen. They queue up what they are going
to say yes.

ADAM
Oh this is great.

ALEX
It is so important to just open totally to what they are saying; just fucking hear them!
And then spend a long time thinking about what they said. Don’t queue up what you
are going to say. Really be there to receive what they are sending - because this is
such a big eye opener, when you really give yourself the opportunity to hear what
people are saying, and not just, “Oh, you’re just being polite!” and any of that shit.
Get out of that! And really open to what humans are telling you. You won’t believe
how much cooler you are than you think you are.

ADAM
I love that you say this. And in my book “Deep Attraction Online” I talk about when
I was working full-time in film; I would not work with anybody, I would not read
their script, unless they promised that when I gave notes they would just say “Thank
you” or write them down - and not try to argue or give their point.
I said, “The point is, you are getting someone’s opinion. So listen to it.”
And I agree with you - don’t try to argue, don’t try to fish for deeper compliments.
But I would say you could say, “Thank you. Thanks for your honesty.” So be very
direct; look them in the eye; thank them for their honesty. But don’t try to devalue
what they are saying. Have the manly dignity of just listening and absorbing.
But thank you, that is a really good point you are making.

ALEX
Yes, and you know, I’ll tell you what: I won’t argue with you. You can use the words
“Thank” and “You” - those two words alone.

ADAM
Okay. Exactly.

ALEX
But the problem with… you know, people - as much as people were arguing with the
criticism that you were giving for that work that they did; you were giving them
feedback - people will argue twice as much when you give them praise. And that is
really what you want to avoid.

ADAM
Great.
 18

ALEX
And by saying “Thank you” you are actually giving somebody something back. You
are giving them thanks. And so there is actually reciprocity there. I think if you
really want to turbo-charge this shit, then you even withhold the thanks. You JUST
receive. It is kind of a “next-level thing”. But, yes, “Thank you” is acceptable. It is
totally acceptable.
Be aware of when you are trying to give somebody something back because you feel
like, oh, they just gave me a compliment; I need to, you know, say “Oh, no, no, no -
I’m not that way” or “You think I’m kind? You’re the kindest woman in the world!
You’re kind!” Like, you know, that sense of that need to give reciprocity ruins the
moment of being totally receptive and open and present to what another human is
saying.

ADAM
Thank you. I’ll say “Thank you”. I wasn’t joking. When you said that, it really hit
me. What you are saying is - and you can tell this - you and I move in some
interesting circles; you know, we are among pretty powerful people often…

ALEX
Oh yes!

ADAM
People who really operate on a global level. And one thing that you will notice is that
they don’t squirm, and they don’t jabber at the mouth; and if someone does say
something nice to them, they will say “Thank you”. Very simple, very clear and very
dignified, very manly. Right?

ALEX
Absolutely.

ADAM
Yes. So, good. And then what happens is you feel that they are… the word that you
used was “present” - they are just present with what you said. It doesn’t sway them,
it doesn’t knock them over; it doesn’t cause a whole reactivity cycle of emotional,
you know, responses. They just say “Thank you”. They heard you. They are there.
It doesn’t even matter, you know? They are just present with what you said.
Now, what I want to do is, in the time remaining, I want to, since you really are an
amazing teacher of sexuality, and sexuality connected with your whole life, to
embarrass you for a second Alex: ever since I have known you, you have been with
just the most magnificent woman, who is also someone who is on fire; she is
beautiful, she is (I don’t know how old she is but I know she is a lot younger than you
and me!)…

ALEX
Yes, she’s quite young!
 19

ADAM
And I’ve watched you guys evolve - and it has worked, you know! I definitely see it
has worked here. You are both really passionate people. So you know of what you
speak. So I want you to say a few words. The guys who are over thirty-five, I mean,
clearly every woman I have ever known says, “Young lovers have no idea what they
are doing and it is so wonderful to be with a guy who is of age, and who has some
experience.” Can you connect age - thirty-five/forty - passionate life and lovemaking
for us?

ALEX
Well, you know, I am in my mid-forties myself, so I can’t really connect the dots to
the fifties; but my perspective is that everything in life gets better every year. And
there was an anticipation I k now, in my twenties, that I was not going to be as good a
lover in my thirties or in my forties; that things would start slowing down and that my
cock wouldn’t get as hard, and this kind of thing. And things are just getting better - I
mean substantially, substantially better. And I expect them to continue to do so.
There is a bunch of things that come together, in making an older guy a superior
lover. And of course it is conditional. There are a lot of people who obviously move
downhill in their life. And that is kind of a choice too: they begin to believe in their
disappointments rather than believing in their successes. The reality of life is we
have disappointments and we have successes. And you get to choose which ones you
believe define you. And it is a choice.
And there are people I know who feel very, very defeated by the time they get into
their thirties, and they decide, “Well, you know, what woman would want me?” - and
then, indeed, they have self-appointed themselves as the “What woman would want
me?” guy. And I am sure that is how they show up in the bedroom. I have no doubt.
And I have heard women say that they much prefer older men as lovers. And I have
also heard women say, “But once in a while I like a good fucking from a younger
guy.” And the question is why should that be? Why should that be? And it doesn’t
have to be.
So let me just throw down a couple of areas in which you should be improving. One
is your sexual stamina should be going up; you should have a lot more self-control.
And, you know, if you always had a lot of control - great!
The thing that control hedges on - because, you know, my stuff is specifically sexual
in nature so I really have dug into this for quite a few years now - and the real thing
that this hedges on is it is emotional, it is psychological; it is your sense of self that
affects it. So generally as we grow older we are a little bit less anxiety-ridden when
we are with a woman; it is just a question of having more experience, and a question
of being aware that ups and downs happen and that it’s all good.
So, as an example, for a younger guy who one day, you know, he is feeling a little
anxious or extra-excited, and he ejaculates earlier than he would have liked to, and
she is like kind of like, “Wow that was a bit disappointing.” - for him, the likelihood
that this is now an impossible conditions for him to shake and it is going to be what
happens for the rest of his life, and he is going to be really nervous next time it
happens is very high. Whereas for a guy in his forties, “Oh, this has happened to me
 20

a couple of times, you know - a year across my lifetime and I know that just because
it happened today it is nothing to be nervous about tomorrow.” Right? So you just
get that sense of confidence, you know, on a pure level that way.
The other thing that I just recommend is that you ought to have, if you are in your
forties, learned how to have non-ejaculatory orgasms so that you can have an erection
as powerful as a twenty-year old and, you know, if you haven’t learned how to do that
obviously you should buy my “Command and Control Program” which coaches you
through it - or any of the other thousand books out there. You know, mine is by far
the best and will get you the best results - but for crying out loud: there is no reason to
not go do that!

ADAM
Just to be clear for a second - I am not sure if everyone understands what that is - we
are obviously very familiar with it: you can actually orgasm; you can have the full
contraction, wonderful warm, burning, energetic explosion, without ejaculating.
Therefore you get to stay hard and get to go longer - which everyone appreciates. So
this sounds like a mythology but it is actually, it is a physical exercise, you can
practice it; and it is a wonderful feeling because you can stay longer.

ALEX
Actually Adam, if you throw a link somewhere on the page for them.

ADAM
Yes I will.

ALEX
I have a video that explains the whole process; and how it actually affects your endo-
crinological system as well; and actually will give you, instead of those erections that
start pointing out and then slowly downward, you actually start getting a more
“youthful erection”. Yes, you can actually become a much more powerful lover by
learning this process. And it is a process to learn as you get older, for sure.

ADAM
Okay, be sure to give me that link: we will put it up after the call.

ALEX
Excellent.

ADAM
So that is one skill. So self-control clearly is a skill that is important for a guy over
thirty-five / over forty.

ALEX
Yes. And now to get into the “meat and potatoes” of what really makes a great lover;
of what those women are talking about when they say, “I would rather be with an
 21

older man”. And what that really has to do with is great sex - not good sex, great sex!
- Great sex is “more than an orgasm”
And I think that, you know, when you are young you are like, “Oh she had an orgasm
- I was good!” And, you know, often that has to do with her; because she could be a
very orgasmic woman; and you are like, “Wow! I gave her twenty orgasms in an
hour! I’m fantastic!” Maybe… you know, maybe. But just, you know, the ability to
give her an orgasm is important, obviously - again, it is a skill you ought to have
learned by now - but that is not great sex. That is the “minimum requirement”, in my
opinion!
Great sex comes from connectedness, and being present. And younger guys have a
lot of difficulty with this because they are so caught up in their stuff. They are still in
that adolescent stage of self-reflexive thinking; they are much, much more trapped in
their heads and, you know, “Is she impressed with what I’m doing right now?” and
this kind of thing.
And in the Grand Scheme of becoming a really profound lover; a lover that women
just go bananas over, you kind of begin at the beginning, like everybody, where you
are very much self-reflexive on, you know, “Am I okay? Does she think I’m all right?
Am I doing anything wrong?” And then you get to the next level and you start
thinking too much about her; you know, like, “Did you come yet? Did I do this right?
Maybe I need to, you know, give the clit a little more; I don’t know where the g-spot
is; I’ve got to quickly get a book and learn where the g-spot is” - so it becomes all
about how to please her.
And then at the next level, you actually become a more selfish lover where you are
like, “I know exactly what I want and I am going to get it. And I am going to give
her a great ride too - but I am going to get what I want.” And what makes this level
so powerful is that for a woman this feels like masculine; this feels powerful. You
are now the guy who can accept a compliment without going, “Oh no, really!
Shucks!” You have become the guy who says, “You know, right now what you need
to do is suck my cock for a really long time while I watch you in the mirror, because I
am comfortable with that” - and it is not weird for me to ask, and it is not slimy
because I am comfortable; I am grounded in my masculinity. I know what I want; I
know how to take it, take what I want from a woman.
And that is so sexy to a woman. She really feels like, “Wow, this guy is not needy;
he just fucking gets it!” And you are much more like… and of course the idea is also
to get her off - I mean, each stage transcends but includes the stage before, right?
You are not just no longer interested in how to get her off; you know, you are
transcending and including.
Then finally, when you get to the highest level of this, you become so present with
her that there is a connectedness happening; there is a flow. You have dropped
enough of the anxiety; dropped enough of the weird self-talk; you have dropped
enough of the need to be in your head just to get hard - you have dropped all that stuff
behind; to the point where you really can just be totally present in the moment, of just
absorbing the deliciousness that is her - the way she smells, the way she sounds, the
feeling of her skin.
 22

And everything becomes a beautiful dance that, you know… it’s funny, I kind of need
to use the word “Zen”. Zen is a great word; you know, it comes from the Hindu word
“Dhyana” which… it is very, very difficult to define - but we know what it is; it is
that flow state when everything is effortless and it seems as if you, as an individual,
and the world are operating under the same brain. And we have all been in that flow
state in sport, or, you know, when you are driving and you end up home and you
don’t know how you got there? In a way that is Zen, because the roads and the car
and man were one person; you didn’t think about turning the wheel to steer - you
were just connected with it all and you just made it happen. And lovemaking gets to
that level as well; that moment of Zen.
And it is not likely to happen with a guy who is, you know, like a teenager, or a guy
in his twenties. And it often isn’t going to happen for a guy in his thirties, you know?
But at least there it begins to become accessible; you have done the work, you
understand who you are. You are no longer flitting from thing to thing; you are
grounded in your manhood.
And when you get into your forties - and I imagine fifties - it just gets better and
stronger; more powerful.

ADAM
That is really beautifully stated Alex. I want to say a couple of things. One is - I call
it “the power of claim” - and we talk about this in the Program in general; really
claiming what you want in life and claiming a woman. It is not the same thing as
knocking her over the head and dragging her home; but it is the ability to say “I
would really like to take you home”, or “I am going to kiss you”, or, just physically,
while you are making love, picking her up, turning her around, you know, without
asking - boom, boom, boom! Onto the edge of the bed - whatever the move is, to be
able to physically do it in a commanding (not a brutal way, obviously) but in a really
commanding way - “This is what I want now” is very sexy.
So, again, what happens in the outside world has a correlation to what happens in the
bedroom.
And then the second thing you said which I think is really important, which is the
power of self-understanding; of really knowing what you want in life. As you get
older, you should be getting there. You know, in your twenties… I know in my
twenties I thought I knew what I wanted - I was pretty directed - but I was wrong.
But in my thirties… as I got later in my thirties and in my forties, you get a sense of
urgency - and this actually part of the archetype of Warrior: the Warrior operates
with a sense of urgency. It doesn’t mean that he is rushing around, but it means that
he is alert, and ready, and aware of what is happening; and is ready to respond at the
blink of an eye.
And when you really develop a sense of urgency that, you know, “Life is passing and
I am going to be ready to take on my life, choose my life, in every second”, you get a
deeper understanding of what you really want. And that is sexy. It is kind of like a
self-claiming. What did you call it - “self-appointed”? or “self-elected” President?
 23

ALEX
Self-appointing.

ADAM
Self-appointing. So it is the kind of self-claiming also: “I am going to claim my life
right here, right now.” And when you are in your twenties - I think it is a rare guy,
when he is in his twenties; it definitely happens but it is a rare person who can claim
their life with a sense of certainty that has sexiness.
So, again, this is one of the power points that someone can leverage; that everyone on
this call, everyone on this training, can leverage, as a man who is over thirty, to really
be able to project that. It is an advantage over younger men.

ALEX
You know, you were just saying about a Warrior; and Carlos Castaneda said “The
Warrior…” (I am going to mangle this quote!) but they basically said “The Warrior,
instead of seeing things as either an opportunity or a setback, the Warrior sees all
things equally, as a welcoming challenge.”

ADAM
Nice.

ALEX
It’s not an opportunity, it is not a setback. It is a welcoming challenge. Everything.

ADAM
So here I thought we were going to be talking about sex for an hour - and what we are
really talking about…

ALEX
Were we?

ADAM
And what we are really talking about… I think the core of this Program is to just
fucking make the decision to choose your life; you are going to live your life the way
YOU wanted to. All those voices from the past are falling away. If there are voices
in your current life, MAKE them fall away. Choose your life. Claim your life.
Claim your woman. There is a title for a book!

ALEX
Claim your life, claim your woman! I like it. It’s a great title.

ADAM
Yes! It is very intuitive. And I bet you, anyone listening to this, if they said “I am
reading a book called, ‘Claim Your Life, Claim Your Woman’ ”, they would get a
nice little sigh out of them, going, “Wow, I’d like to read that!”
 24

ALEX
Or “I’d like YOU to read that!”

ADAM
Right. What else would you like to add before we round out this hour?

ALEX
Well, I guess, because there is a sense perhaps that we haven’t been talking about sex,
let me just say that all of these things apply very specifically in the bedroom. And that
is, as I said earlier, the whole Gist of my “Passionate Lover, Passionate Life”
Program - is that sex is a really beautiful place to play out your ability to make
change in your life and to grow your life into a more passionate place.
And passion, specifically, is a beautiful thing to aim for, because it just describes
intensity. And I don’t really care if you are passionate about sex, or if you are
passionate about theoretical Mathematics - passion itself is the end! I mean, that is
the whole point; is to be really used-up in life; to be really use this life to the point
where you are absolutely complete when you are finished - because finished you will
be, at some point.
So, to use this vehicle to grow - whether it is sex for you, or it is sport; or whatever it
is - to find that vehicle of growth. But any one of these principles applies in the
bedroom; this idea of becoming confident; this idea of becoming the kind of person
that doesn’t need to say “Thank you”; who can very openly receive something
without there being any kind of weirdness about an interchange; the kind of person
who can very actively take what they want with a gentle confidence of knowing that
“I am going to get what I am taking.”
All these things - whether that be money, or whether that be in lovemaking - these are
very, very, very powerful elements of what makes for a great sexual experience.
And I guess, to land the plane on this: one of the things that you could do, for
example, to use sexuality to grow you life is to try new things. And if you are not
doing it in sex, you should be doing it elsewhere. Because the process that we are
talking about here, this transformational process of appointing yourself and believing
it - like I said, it is easy to say, “I appoint myself a great lover!”; it is hard to believe
it. And that path of believing it, of actually becoming the person you are appointing
yourself to be; that path of actually becoming the person, involves something called
neuro-plasticity.
Your neurons actually will remap; so that if somebody were to do a brain scan on you
a week or two after you have gone through one of these transformations, they would
discover your neurological pathways have actually changed.
And the facility that it takes to change these neurons, like a muscle, gets better with
effort. So in other words, if you can make a small transformation in your life, it
becomes easier and easier to make a larger transformation in your life - not just from
an “Oh, this seems easier”; but there is actually a physiological process; the brain gets
better at remapping itself as it remaps itself. Just like somebody who is very good at
tennis will very easily pick up some other sport. Obviously it will be easier for them
 25

to pick up racket ball - but it will be easier for them to pick up a lot of sports, because
they have got eye/hand coordination now.
And the brain works this way. So one of the things that you can do - an exercise, if
you will - is to challenge yourself to be in new places, new environments, and doing
new things. So, for example, if you wrote down five things you were afraid of, five
places you have never been but think it would be kind of cool to go there, and five
activities you have never done; pick one of each; get them done. Make a real
commitment to yourself to get them done by your next birthday. And you will
definitely reap a HUGE reward, because getting yourself into unknown situations like
that allows you to build self-confidence; it triggers up, it fires up neuro-plasticity -
and allows you to make real changes in your life that you are directionally, that you
are willfully changing yourself to become.

ADAM
It’s funny you mentioned that - I have never told you this, but I have this dream of
doing weekends in different parts of the country, where we do exactly that: where
maybe we have a boxing class, and then we go skydiving, and then you go to an
erotic massage from a very beautiful massage therapist who really knows something -
and you do five or six brand new things; things that you may never have done before;
just as a way to jar people out of any kind of stasis.
But now you have given me a fantasy “neuro-plasticity” word, to give me extra
encouragement to do that. Because I find that so many people are just stuck in their
lives and they just need a little nudge. I mean, I needed a lot of nudging. So thank
you for the fantasy word.

ALEX
Build that Program!

ADAM
Is that a fun idea?

ALEX
Yes!

ADAM
It gives me an excuse to go and do fun new things anyway!

ALEX
Yes, build it. I will spend money on that. That sounds like one I would buy. Build
that one.

ADAM
I think I’d have you teach at it. So let me ask you, have you made those lists? Have
you thought about some of those things?
 26

ALEX
Me? Oh, I do that kind of stuff constantly. I am always looking for something that
makes me… anything that is out of my comfort zone I am very, very inclined to get
done as quickly as possible.

ADAM
What are some examples? Just to give people some inspiration for ideas.

ALEX
Well I tell you, there was one I am juiced on right now is… there is - I forget what
they are… the Passana Meditation: have you heard about these guys?

ADAM
I have. I have done advanced Passana Meditation in India.

ALEX
Wow! So I haven’t - and it is really threatening to me. It is a ten-day silent retreat…

ADAM
Yes.

ALEX
You are not allowed to speak. At all. For ten days. AND they don’t feed you very
much; it is like all Vegan - like bird food. And I am a steak man, along with my
broccoli! And for me to go ten days without meat and without talking… literally
talking about it right now, my mouth is getting dry and my heart is kind of racy - it
just sounds scary to me. So I am definitely going to be doing that before my next
birthday; that is what is on my agenda right now.

ADAM
Excellent. And one of the reasons why it may be so frightening is - again what we
were talking about - something has to die. You and I are very verbal people. And
you live through your words. And suddenly you don’t have your biggest power - so
what are you? And you will discover new things. For sure.

ALEX
That’s right. Yes.

ADAM
You no, I can tell you that I am the world’s worst meditator. I actually fell down a
staircase during my ten days in India, during a walking meditation!
 27

ALEX
I’ll hopefully not fall down any staircases when I’m there - but that sounds like a lot
less threatening to me than the whole “not talking”! How can I fall down the stairs if
I’m not allowed to say, “Fuck!”? Ow! Goddammit!”

ADAM
I literally ended up in the hospital. Yes. That is how bad of a meditator I am. What
did you call it? A “welcoming challenge.” So that is a great challenge, by the way;
that is a really interesting one.
I think a lot of the mistake that guys make who are looking to be better daters, more
attractive to women, they think they HAVE to do… you know, they HAVE to
become a Black belt, and they HAVE to become a boxer. Sometimes it is our fears
that are very quiet that are the most effective.
And I want to say something about when you said - I guess we can close out on this -
“I appoint myself a great lover.” In this Program, like I said, I was looking into
archetypes and I think it is really important to own your Warrior archetype, and it is
really important to own your Lover archetype. And I go into depth about both of
those.
One of the things about a Warrior - and I believe it was Dan Millman who said this so
well, in “The Way of the Peaceful Warrior”, which is that a Warrior doesn’t mean
you are at war; it just means that you are in the pitch; you are alert. Now. It is not
something you are going to do later. It is a way of being. You are not going to a
battle - but right now you are prepared to do battle, should battle happen. And it
means you are on the path. So you are constantly becoming more aware, you are
refining yourself - exercising, weapons training, whatever it is - as a “warrior
Warrior”.
When you say “I appoint myself a great lover”, I would love everybody, right now, to
say that; listening to this right now: “I appoint myself a great lover.” And by
listening to this Program, you are already stepping past ninety-five percent of men.
And by getting the Erotic Mastery Program, and by getting Alex’s Program,
Passionate Lover, Passionate Life; and his revolutionary sex book which is on the
ACI Store page - I absolutely recommend you get that: Alex is a very thoughtful,
detailed (as you can see) expert in these things. But by getting these books, reading,
learning new skills… go take an erotic massage class; go take a Shiatsu class; you
know; get in touch with your sensual self. Just go and learn. There is no end of
places to do this. Yoga studios… learn your body; learn how to move fluidly.
You can become a lover RIGHT NOW. It is not because you are having sex right
now - but you are on the path of being a great lover. So I would definitely urge you,
“I appoint myself a great lover” right now. You are on the path.
Anything to add to that Mr. Alex?

ALEX
No. That was absolutely beautiful. Beautiful.
 28

ADAM
I’m fired up. Also I’m hungry! So I want to thank you; as always I love talking to
you. And I am going to see you soon. I want to just recommend Alex Allman: once
again you can find all his work on our Store page - and I highly recommend you get
“Passionate Lover, Passionate Life”; I highly recommend you get “Revolutionary
Sex”. And you mentioned something else - something about mastering something…

ALEX
Yes. “Command and Control” is… it is much more of a “nuts and bolts” program
than my other programs. It is just a four-week training where it leads you through a
series of exercises so that you can control your ejaculation, and then eventually
control it to the point where you can have an orgasm without ejaculating. And, you
know, it is a ridiculous enhancement to your life; if you are not already having non-
ejaculatory orgasms - and 99.9% of men aren’t - then what more do I have to tell you
than that you could have ten orgasms in a night? I mean, do you need any other
encouragement to start?

ADAM
But why?

ALEX
Yes, there is a famous book, “The Multi-Orgasmic Man”, which I read in college,
which is twenty-five years ago…

ADAM
Mantak Chia?

ALEX
Yes I guess. And I couldn’t get it; it just didn’t make sense to me and I couldn’t get
it; and he talks about, you know, “move energy this way”, and whatever. And it
just… I couldn’t get it. And eventually, through other practices, completely separate
practices, as an adult - I was actually in my forties - I had a non-ejaculatory orgasm; it
happened. I was controlling my ejaculation and trying not to come, and then this
other thing went down, and I sort of got myself into a mental state, and all of a sudden
I had this very powerful orgasm. And I actually thought that I had ejaculated but I
didn’t. And I thought, “Oh my God - that book from the Seventies, I just totally
fricking got it!” And then I couldn’t replicate it for a long time.
And then I finally got it again. And then I went about building - like I said, it is
simple nuts and bolts; like simple exercises that can get you from here to there
without a bunch of mumbo-jumbo. So it is a darn good Program.

ADAM
Alright. Thank you so much. Alex, always a pleasure. Always enlightening. I really
thank you and I am sure everyone here thanks you for your time. Thanks so much
Alex.
 29

ALEX
Adam, thank you brother. I’ll talk to you soon.