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INTERVIEW

Mastery of Your Inner Life

Dr. Scott Braxton

Adam Gilad
Gilad Creative Media, Inc.

February 2010

ADAM
Welcome. This is Adam Gilad. And this is our series about dating in the age of
mastery - over 30 / over 40. And today I have a special guest, someone a lot of
you may not know but who has done some great work. He is a psychologist; his
name is Dr. Scott Braxton. Scott, are you there?

SCOTT
I’m here.

ADAM
Great. Today’s focus is going to be on “Mastery of Your Inner Life”; so that
when you bring yourself to women you are bringing at least a - I don’t want to say
“complete” - but a more complete, solid presence, so that she can feel that you
actually are somewhat a master of your inner life.
And can I call you Scott? Or Dr. Scott?

SCOTT
Oh Scott’s perfect.

ADAM
I’ll call you “Scott’s perfect” - that’s good! See, now that is mastery; that is a
sense of inner mastery. I will have you call me “Adam’s perfect”!
Okay, Scott, tell us a bit about yourself. How did you get here?
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SCOTT
Yes. You know, I have been studying relationships ever since my marriage
started going downhill, and that was about fifteen years ago. I was married for ten
years and the last three were kind of difficult; and I had no idea what was going
wrong. And I really blamed her for each of the steps that happened; what went
wrong, how it didn’t work.
And it wasn’t until it ended and I started studying some personal development
work that I realized that, you know, I had something to do with how it went and
how she was. And I certainly had everything to do with how I was in the
relationship.
And once I had realized that, I realized there is a whole new world of possibility
of how to relate to people; like from what I want to create, rather than from the
past and how I was triggered or upset, and how things weren’t going the way I
wanted to.
So I started studying everything I could, and ended up writing a book
summarizing the best advice from in the top fifty relationship experts; because I
really wanted to get a handle on how all this stuff works, and how to
communicate, and how to interact with people.

ADAM
What a great way to learn! So you wrote a book studying the top fifty experts. I
met you, by the way - people might find this interesting - at one of the David
Deida seminars I produced in 2009. So David Deida is obviously one of the
teachers you were learning from.

SCOTT
In fact I would say David Deida was the key that I learned from. After the
marriage ended, I was in a bit of a frump. I hadn’t dated for ten years; I didn’t
understand my value. I blamed myself. And I worked with a coach who is a
Master in NLP, but really studied David Deida. And it was David Deida’s work -
listening to his recordings, reading his books - that got me to realize, “Wow! I
need to stand up and be a man. I need to actually own who I am and what I want,
without shame - just really, solidly know who I am. And bring that to a
relationship”.
And the second thing is that women, when they find that and are attracted, they
are going to start testing. And I had no idea about that whole world! So David
just really opened me up to how to relate.

ADAM
Yes, he totally opened me up to that idea of testing as well. I always thought of it
as an affront. I think we have a similar story; we got married young and don’t
know what we’re doing!
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But when a woman tests you, it is actually she is really looking for the best part of
you. She is actually giving you an opportunity to bring the best part out of you;
and she is not just trying to drag you down. And it becomes a wonderful
challenge. And part of the game, really, is part of the dance of
“masculine/feminine” when she starts testing you. And when you return strong, it
is night and day. It is night and day.

SCOTT
Totally.

ADAM
So I am glad you brought that up, the idea of testing. We should welcome a
woman’s testing, especially when it is balanced in the non-testing times with love.
By the way - quick note: for any woman who might be listening, women love the
part in David Deida’s work where he says “Test you man; you know, cut his head
off, make sure he is conscious” - they love that part. But they forge the second
part to that, which he mentions more often now, which is “When you are not
testing and cutting his head off, worship him” - like “worship the God within him;
you know, the masculine in him. That earns you the right to test.

SCOTT
Not only that - so thank you for saying that - I mean that part is essential and I
have certainly met women who have gone to David Deida, who think it is all
about cutting men down.

ADAM
Yep!

SCOTT
But not only do you earn the right - but I will tell you, the woman I am with now,
I have been with her five years, and she is a good woman. She totally can display
“Goddess” and she has got a wicked Kali! Yes, when she is in her “Goddess” it
actually calls me out to be a better man than I know how to be on my own. And I
want to learn how to be that on my own. And so that is one of the things that I get
to learn in the relationship; is to see who I could possibly be and then find ways to
be that on my own.

ADAM
Well let’s talk about that - because I want to jump here, because you bring up
something interesting. I think you and I may have suffered the same thing as
young men; you know, we wanted to please our women, we wanted to make her
happy, and we kind of gave up our own sense of self-direction.
And one of the great things about getting older is that the attraction of that starts
dropping away; you discover it really doesn’t work. And there are three traps.
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You and I, before we got on the phone we started talking about three different
traps that men fall into, that I think weaken men. So I would like to walk through
those.
The first one that you mentioned - and this is through your work not only as a
therapist but you are a Master Practitioner of NLP, you are a hypnotherapist, you
are a Program Leader at Landmark - so you have been around; you have been a
seminar speaker; you have met with a lot of people, you have seen a lot of people.
So these traps are based on your work.
And the first one you mentioned is “Being attached to how a woman responds to
you”. So we kind of just opened that subject. So what practical advice can you
give to men, to detach from that reactivity?

SCOTT
Yes, so that is a key one. I would say the first part is that I have noticed in any
healing is you have got to recognize the goaled and the inherent intelligence in
any way that you are acting, that doesn’t support you.
Now, that seems a little counterintuitive, because this is a trap that, if you get
yourself into, is going to really make you not attractive to a woman. And yet
there is a part of it that is really helpful and important. And you need to
acknowledge that helpful part before you can release it and really transcend it.
So let me tell you what I mean by that: if you are with a woman and you don’t
really care how she responds; you say “Look, we are going out for Chinese”, and
she doesn’t like it, and you just don’t care; I am going to tell you, the relationship
isn’t going to last very long as a solid core partnership. She is either going to
leave or you are going to lose respect for her.
So there is a lot of being able to read her, moment by moment, when you suggest
something - does she like it or not? And if you say “Chinese” and she makes a
face, you go “Italian”; and she is “Nah”; and you say “Sushi!” and she says
“Yeah!”. And she relaxes.
You have navigated to give her the experience that she is wanting, while you are
leading. Okay, so that is the good side to that.
Now, the bad side is when who you are in the world, like what you think of
yourself, becomes dependent on how she is responding to you. Like, “Oh, I said
Italian - she doesn’t like that; oh, I’m not good and I’ve got to try to figure out
what is going to happen with her; now she is not going to like me; what is she
thinking about me". You say “Sushi!”; she goes “Yes!”; you go “Oh good, now
I’m in; things are good."
And I have to depend on what she is thinking / how she is feeling to know how I
stand in the world. Well you can see that that steps over into the toxic mimic of
paying attention to her.
And you can see, just as a man - look at that for a woman. If a woman is paying
attention to what you want; you know, you are sitting on the couch on a Saturday
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and she goes “Hey, honey, can I bring you a beer?”; it is like “Hey - cool!” She is
paying attention.
But if she is hanging around like a little puppy dog, wanting to please you and
help you out - okay, so it might be cool for a day or two; but that behavior long-
term, it is just going to drive you nuts!
And it is really the exact same thing with women. And they are a lot more
sensitive to this than we are.

ADAM
As is true for everything! So I love... I remember when I was back in marriage
counseling many years ago - God, twelve years ago probably - and I just want to
make sure we hit this: there is a different between being responsive and being
reactive. And since you are the Shrink, why don’t you give that speech?

SCOTT
Yes, wow. I mean, there is a lot in that. So if you are reactive, you are just like
an electronic device, a box. You know, she says something, you are tweaked and
you go into “tweak mode” and you respond; and you just react, like “Oh, this is
what I’ve got to do!” You just get panicked; you get angry, you shout back.
There is really no thinking. There is no human brain involved in that. It is just a
stimulus response; actually it is reacting, isn’t it.
But a response is more you think about it; you take it in, you are affected by what
happens - you know, it is like a tree can move in the wind but a good tree doesn’t
break - it just kind of moves. And then from a place of solid “I know who I am, I
know what I want; I hear what you’re saying”… And then you come back with a
response that is measured and that makes a lot of sense.
And as you feel-in to it, you go “Wow! This is my truth”. And you can stand
with it.

ADAM
Nice. Okay. Good distinction. The second trap we talked about is you said that
men too easily get collapsed; they get too much of an effect from her moods. So
let’s talk about that for a second.

SCOTT
Oh my God! You know, you can… this is where the testing really shows up. So
something happens: you are a little bit late coming home from work, for instance,
and she has some dinner party - you don’t really know about it. But you come in
the house and she is upset and angry.
Now, how do you respond to that? You can either react and get all pissed off:
“Hey, look - I didn’t say I was going to be home on time!” and make her wrong -
because, listen, as a man the last thing we want to do is be wrong!
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But you can come from that reactive point of view and just yell at her back; or
you can get all, “Oh honey, I’m really, really, really sorry; please forgive me” -
begging. It is like, oh, that is just… eugh! I want to wash that off - it is really
yucky, right?
Or you can look at her, breathe in, like really be affected by that she is angry; let
that into your nervous system, breathe it in fully - you know, look her in the eyes
and go “Wow honey, I can really see that has affected you”. And then, if you can,
address what is underneath that. And then you can come back and say “Honey I
love you. Let’s have a great dinner now”.

ADAM
Yes. Would you add another promise?

SCOTT
You know, this can be kind of tricky. But if you are looking into that with men,
we are all about integrity, right? If a man, you know, you give your word on
something, “I’m going to be here, we are going to meet at the bar at 8 o’clock;
we’re going to have drinks and a snack”, and you’re late - you know, with a man,
this is integrity. Can I trust you? Can I believe in your word? How is that going
to go? And when you break your word and you are late, you know, you want to do
something to recreate the trust, if you care about the person; and say, “Hey, look, I
was late and I’m sorry. And I’ll buy the first round of drinks”. You have some
consequence for being late, so you know that your word is valuable.
So you can say, “Look, you can count on me to be here at 8 o’clock when I say 8
o’clock”. And if you have cleaned out the past and recreate positives, you know,
really clearly and concretely, you have re-established integrity. And the good part
is that that person will now relate to you in the future as your word, because you
have recreated it really powerfully.
And it is a little bit different with a woman. You know, the promises and this and
that are somewhat important but they live in a different realm for women. And it
is more that it is not exactly that you will do what you say you are going to do -
although that is a big part of it. I think it is the integrity there is more that “I will
take care of your tender heart and you can count on me to do that”.

ADAM
That is really what is said. And that means you have to recognize her tender
heart. So here is a tip I picked up from David Deida; which is if you are late, for
example, or if you know you can’t concentrate and you have got something else
going on and you are not all there, you can say “I need…”… it is more useful to
say, “Listen, I am really sorry I came home late”, or “I know I meant to meet you
here at 8. I got held up by something. I’m sorry it happened. And what I am
going to do now is give you one hundred percent of my attention”. Or “I need to
go do this thing and once I have finished that I will come back and I will give you
one hundred percent of my devotion and my attention”.
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And then turn off your phones and really be there for her. I know David talks
about this a lot; that that smaller time period of real, true attentiveness is better
than, you know, ten times the period of half-attentiveness.
So usually a defined period of devotional attention will be a nice sort of fixative
for coming late or for not being, you know, at full attention.

SCOTT
Beautiful. Yes, the integrity is more in the moment for a woman than it does out
in the future or in the past.

ADAM
Right. I like that you said, “Take care of a tender heart and let her know”. So that
is a kind of mastery; is to be really present and calm. And feel her pain - not deny
it; it is like, “Oh, what’s the big deal - it’s only ten minutes!” - worst thing you
can say!

SCOTT
Oh my God! If you ever deny a woman’s feeling, what happens is it squashes
down and it will explode in all sorts of other ways. And you just don’t want to be
part of that.

ADAM
No, it’s not. And it is comic - I told the story elsewhere, that when we were
married we were having some argument in the kitchen and she said, “But that’s
how I feel”, and I said “But your feelings are irrational”. And we were yelling
and we looked at each other and we both started cracking up because we realized
that we had reached a point of absurdity.
You know, even before we knew anything about anything, we felt how absurd it
was. She was saying, “I’m feeling! I’m feeling”, and I am saying “But it doesn’t
make sense!” So we were role-playing our genders perfectly.

SCOTT
Oh isn’t that fabulous!

ADAM
Somehow we had the presence enough to find it funny and laugh.

SCOTT
You know, another thing from this is when a woman expresses whatever her
feeling is, no matter how irrational or whatever she is, and you don’t deny it, but
you feel-in to it; you let it impact you, you bring it in and you hear her fully, there
is something magical that happens. Like all of a sudden, that feeling disappears.
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You know, you can come home late and she goes “I hate you! This just sucks! I
spent all this time planning this dinner for you; it was a surprise and you’re late! I
hate you!". And if you get it and say, ”Wow, you really care about us and you
have created something magical and you wanted to share this with me and I love
you”…

ADAM
Nice!

SCOTT
She will just kind of… she will melt. And in that being gotten, all the anger will
just disappear. And let it, too. Don’t hold onto it that that is how she has to be.
Let it go.

ADAM
Yes. That is really beautifully said. Really beautifully said. Okay, I want to
jump; I want to go to the next trap you said. And that is - this is a really huge one,
actually: the trap is that men rely on their relationship - and it could just be dating
- to make themselves feel worthy. And you have obviously got to feel worthy and
bring yourself to your woman, rather than needing her to make you feel special or
important.

SCOTT
Yes. And again, this is listed as a trap because every man, I am sure, who has
dated a good woman knows how good it feels; and that when you have got a
beautiful woman on your arm who is looking up into your eyes and smiling and
giving you devotion as you walk into a party, or at a restaurant, it feels so good.
And it is easy to have that feeling help you feel special and important. And, you
know, we are going to feel that. So it is a natural thing that could happen.
And then all of a sudden there is a switch to being, “Wow, she is the one who
makes me feel special and important” to “She has to now be this way for me to
feel special and important - and she can’t be any other way. And why isn’t she
doing this? And I have lost my center of why I am special, why I am important”.
And I got addicted to this feeling. It is almost like a drug, you know; if you are
drug-free and things are great and then somebody gives you some drug that you
really like and you REALLY like it - “Oh, you like cocaine”. Then you feel this
great high and say, like, “Wow, I was happy before and now I’m WAY happy”.
And it becomes this need - “I need this to feel happy”.
And you have lost your center, you have lost who you are; you are forcing her
into a role. And all of a sudden she is an object. And she is going to feel it.
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ADAM
True. Excellent. This is all great stuff, by the way. And it is especially good for
guys coming out of a relationship, feeling wounded, feeling a little confused; not
sure, you know, how they should treat their partner - “because obviously, you
know, what we have done in the last relationship didn’t work”, right? So these
are really foundations for moving into something much more solid.

SCOTT
Yes.

ADAM
I am giving you a mid-call “thank you”; I am just really enjoying what you are
saying. I think it is essential stuff.

SCOTT
Well thank you Adam.

ADAM
Good. I want to move into the next phase. I always say, you know, guys are
always looking (not just guys - girls too); “Oh, I am going to find the perfect man
/ I am going to find the perfect…” It is not about finding. It is about creating
yourself so that you attract it. And I can’t hit that nail hard enough.
You know, you become the guy that women want to be around - there are more
than enough women; there are too many women, actually. Once you change your
life, once you have the sort of inner mastery; you carry yourself differently; you
are able to speak about sexuality and intimacy and male/female dynamics in a
really powerful, mature way - women go nuts, you know!
I have experienced this. It started really when I started reading David Deida; and
you start talking about these principles with women and they haven’t heard them
before. And they make so much intuitive sense. And it comes from a place of
strength rather than a place of confusion or weakness or selfishness. So once you
are really able to talk about these things I think it adds so much power.
So I want to talk about, again, the internal mastery: how do you become this kind
of man - over 30 / over 40, who has internal mastery? And, again, we talked
about three different areas.
And the first one we talked about was really knowing your purpose, your direction
and your boundaries. So I would love you to talk a little bit about what you have
learned in this area.

SCOTT
Yes, well let’s contrast that with a man who doesn’t know his purpose; who sits in
the couch, can’t keep a job and who just complains bitterly about all his past
bosses, how they are all bastards; everybody he works with are losers - this and
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that. I mean, just feel-in to how attractive a man like that would be. That sucks! I
wouldn’t want a friend like that. I can’t imagine a woman, a good woman,
wanting a man like that.
So you look at that - and just the opposite of that is somebody who knows their
values: “This is what is important to me and I use my values as my own internal
compass. I align my time, my direction, my energy based on what I know, from
myself, is important”.
And somebody who is on-purpose, like, “This is what I am up to creating in the
world”. For me it is about helping people experience and express the love that
there already is. I mean, there is so much love in this world. And people are
usually blind to it. And if you can just feel-in to how much you are supported and
how much love there is, you can, when you feel that, you can get full just in what
is available.
And when you can express the love that you have, it is magical and beautiful and
brilliant. So that is what I am up to in the world - is helping people get that.
And when you have got that kind of clarity, not only that but you are on-path; you
are on-purpose, you are on-direction, you are making things happen - you have
created a bullet train. And you can say to your woman, “This is where I am going.
Do you want on?".
Oh my God! Every time I have done that, women have gone… they are so
magnetically attracted - especially if that is the direction that they are interested
in.
And so if you have got that, you know; when you look at like the four
cornerstones of trust - that you have got character and integrity; that people can
understand your intent; like they know what you are up to, they know what your
intention is and they can align with your intention. You have got the skills to
handle it.
But then the next one is having a track record of success. So if you are successful
in life - you have already done it and you are building on that success - a woman
can just relax into the trust of that.
So along with that, a man who is confident, who is comfortable with himself, in
his skin and comfortable in the surroundings - almost like owns the space where
he is at. He is curious; doesn’t know all the answers - he is really curious. He
will listen, pay attention and like, “Hum, I don’t know. I am just curious what is
going to happen here”. And knows how to stay connected, no matter what. I
mean, that is the kind of man that women are going to be magnetically attracted to
and want to hang around.

ADAM
Absolutely. And such unusual men! Now, I want to ask you a couple of things
about those four things: Confident, Comfortable, Curious and Connected. They
are four quick words but there are worlds in each of them.
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So, as far as Curious and Connected: I want to underline that one hugely. I
learned this from a woman I dated who was incredibly aware; you know, she is a
very interesting San Francisco type, very awake and aware and spiritually… her
whole life is really around spiritual growth and development. And we would have
these conversations, or we would be somewhere and she would say, “I notice I am
feeling”.
And it is a tiny little phrase - but it changed our relationship. And it kind of
changed me - because us guys are always trying to plan things out.
She would say, “I notice such-and-such” in the moment. And it would always
stop me. And I would have to encounter her. I would be curious. She was curious
about what was happening. And it would connect us because it would bring us
right to the moment.
So I actually picked that up from her. I will say something like “I notice that I am
feeling”… something that is happening in the moment with a woman. And they
love that! Because now you are in the moment, which is where women tend to
live. And we tend to live in our heads!
So, “Curious and Connected”. It is a nice little phrase. If you can work that into
your… when you are feeling confused or when you really want to know what is
happening between you and her; you know, like, “I notice that I really want to
kiss you”; “I notice that I am really liking you right now”. I have said that - “I
notice that I am really admiring who you are, right now”. And just bring it to the
present. That keeps you curious and connected with a woman. Also, “I notice I
am not sure what you’re feeling and I would love to know” - that kind of thing.

SCOTT
That is so brilliant. I want to challenge any guy who is listening to this to do this.
And even to the point where you go, “Wow! I just noticed I am trying to impress
you”.

ADAM
Yes! Yes! Nice!

SCOTT
You know, like, “You notice there is something…I notice it is a little bit awkward
in here and I think I was just trying to impress you. Isn’t that curious? I wonder
what that’s about”.
And I will tell you; I have saved conversations all over the place by doing that.
And the woman goes, “Wow!" and she will make up the meaning for me - like,
“Oh, you must really like me” - and all of a sudden, the game is on!
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ADAM
I love it! It is absolutely true. They are so impressed that a man will actually say
that; you know, make himself vulnerable. And true! So thank you for that. It is a
great addition.
I want to go back to Confident and Comfortable. Those are hard I think. And
they are not something that is sort of instantly done. I want to say something
about Comfortable - and you are the Shrink, again - but this is something I have
learned the hard way.
To be comfortable means you fully accept yourself. That means you accept the
bad stuff about yourself and the good stuff about yourself. And it is very easy to
accept the good stuff about yourself; but it is not so easy to deal with sort of your
shadow. And we could do ten hours; we could do a hundred hours on this subject.
So I am not even sure how to handle it.
I was just reading a book by a neighbor and friend of mine called “Romancing the
Shadow” - I don’t know if you know that one - by Dr. Steve Wolf?

SCOTT
No I don’t know that one.

ADAM
Really good stuff, by the way. But the concept is there are parts of ourselves that,
you know, we really aren’t very proud of. And we talk about, “Yes, be
comfortable in a room; be comfortable with yourself”. But we really often aren’t
because we really haven’t accepted that we carry dark thoughts and conflicting
needs, you know?
I don’t know how we could possibly cover that in the moment. But what might
you be able to add as a sort of practical approach to really being comfortable with
yourself, with your flaws, and still just being “present and okay”?

SCOTT
Okay. Brilliant. I haven’t shared this story for years - and this is really
appropriate here. One of the biggest transformations that ever happened in my
dating life was when I was able to say, “Yes, I do want sex”.
And I will tell you, owning that part for me was a real “shadow” part. You know,
the way I was brought up, I was brought up in the Mid-West, and in this time, you
know, premarital sex was just kind of completely taboo. You didn’t do that.
Anybody who wanted sex, it was “There’s something wrong”, unless it is inside
of a marriage - I mean, this whole bunch of taboo and layers and layers around
that.
And in dating, you know, the idea of you would get to a point where you were
having a good time and you are connected, and then the woman would say, “Oh,
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you want sex”; and it was like “No, no honey. I love you. I am really enjoying
being with you…”. And it is all this like crap, right, that I thought I had to say.
After going through David Deida’s work, and then another one, “Soul Without
Shame”, that I really got, “You know what? I am just going to own my desires”.
And I remember the first time a woman said, “Oh, you just want to have sex”; and
I thought, “Oh shit, if I answer this authentically I’m screwed”. And I answered it
authentically anyway. I said, “You know what? You’re right. I do want sex”.
And she goes, “Really?”. And just lit up. And like, “And you can own that?”.
And I go “Yes. I want sex with you. Because you’re hot and I’m enjoying talking
with you, I am enjoying being with you. I like how I feel about myself when I am
with you. Yeah, I want to have sex”.
Nice transformation! And I had no idea of the power of just owning it.

ADAM
That’s beautiful.

SCOTT
Now you can see that as a strategy to get sex, right? And yet - so this is the
danger; this is why these things are traps - any of the strategies that work, I
become dependent on them and all of a sudden they become traps.
So in the moment, I just owned what was true for me and said it; and had to own a
part that I thought was wrong and dirty and shameful.

ADAM
You know, as a wordsmith, as you were saying that I wouldn’t say, “Yes I want
sex”; I would say, “Yeah, I’m really enjoying you; you’re beautiful and I want to
see you rise in pleasure”. Probably I would say that - and it would be true! So I
would add on to that.

SCOTT
Beautiful. This is great. Like it’s… you are pointing out that this is artistry,
right?

ADAM
Yes.

SCOTT
And any time that you take a script and memorize it and write it on the palm of
your hand so that you can say it at the right time to the woman, it is not going to
land. It has got to be true; it has got to be you. It has got to come from your core,
using who you are and feeling into what the woman is looking for and what she
wants.
 14

ADAM
Beautiful. Let’s take one step backwards. We have done Curious and Connected.
We have done Comfortable. Now, Confidence. Now, this is always a big
question. You know, I have a book I actually want to write called ”Letters to a
Young Pickup Artist”. And my whole take on “pickup artistry”, such as it has
come to be known, is that guys want to convey what they REALLY wish they
could embody.
Now, you and I get what that means because we have done what is called
“Embodiment work” - and obviously Deida’s work is a lot about embodiment -
which really means BEING the thing that you are trying to convey, rather than
just conveying it.
And in the world of confidence, a lot of guys don’t feel confident. So what do
you do about that? Other than, you know, really study these programs and get
some embodiment practice.

SCOTT
Yes, good. So these things are a lot like bootstrapping; or they can appear like a
Catch-22, like you can’t feel confident until you have a reason for it, but you can’t
have a reason for it until you are confident.

ADAM
Nice.

SCOTT
And so instead of it having to be a Catch-22, you just realize it is a bootstrap. So
what I would do is, you know, to help people get in the confident frame of mind,
just close your eyes and imagine a time when you were actually really powerful
and successful.
Everybody has instances like this: you did something at work, you said
something, you added something to a project - and it made a big difference. And
what you did and who you were being forwarded something in a great way.
And if you can feel-in to that moment of, “Wow! I made a difference. My
knowledge, my experience made a difference”. And then let your chest swell a
little bit from the good feelings that come from knowing that you made a
difference.
You start having the first bits of confidence because you know that, “Wow, I’ve
been successful at something in the past. I have reason to know what confident
feels like”. And if you can find three incidences in your life where you actually
did display confidence; you earned it because you were successful, your body
knows how to generalize that and it can come up with those feelings of
confidence.
 15

Now, if you are going to do that to go into a bar scene, for instance, because you
want to pick up women; and you are not confident and you are hiding something
and you are worried and you are trying to get something and you want the women
to be something; and if they react to you the right way then all of a sudden you
feel worthy - if you have got all that going on, it is going to be really tough. And
then doing this technique of remembering your confidence is going to be putting,
you know, a nice coat of paint over a pile of shit, and you are going to have a hard
time with that.
So, I mean, that is just a warning about how it really, really is; that you have got
to clear out some of the neediness and some of the desire. And just going into a
scene like meeting women at a bar; you know what? There is nothing to attain - “I
don’t have to do anything, I don’t have to be anything. I don’t have to have any
result”. And now it can just be about the process and just enjoying people.
And from that more clear space, then you can build and create being confident
because you can remember times in the past when you were confident.

ADAM
Beautiful. I love that.

SCOTT
That is something about Comfortable again, too: and this really goes to
Confidence. So there is a distinction called “Being host”, that really leads people
to being comfortable.
So first I want you to imagine walking into somebody’s party and you don’t know
anybody. You have no idea who these people are and you are just walking in.
Now, for me, you know, that is generally… I can imagine that and not be really
comfortable; not be all that confident - because I don’t know who these people
are.
Now contrast that to: it is your house. You know, you hired a cleaning lady or
whatever to come in and make the house immaculate. You studied some cooking
and you put on… you are going to make a really nice meal. It is your house and
your friends are coming over.
When they walk to the door and ring the doorbell you welcome them; “Thank you
for being here; thank you for coming into my immaculate house and being part of
my special evening”. You welcome them into your space. You own the space; it
is yours. You know where everything is. If anything is out of place you will know
it. But it has been perfectly set up.
In that environment, when you are playing host, and you own the space, you are
being comfortable.

ADAM
Good. Well done, thank you. And there is a corollary there on owning your
interior space.
 16

SCOTT
Yes!

ADAM
Another hour! You got it! It is really about self-awareness and self-knowledge.
And not hiding from yourself. You know, that is really the key thing.
And it goes… again, as you get older it becomes so much more obvious when
men are hiding. You know, hiding the truth from themselves; over-coloring their
hair; you know, trying to be something they are not. And it is physical and it is
emotional as well.
And it just comes back to that vulnerability and that “I notice that I am feeling…”.
When you said that, that almost gave me a chill; I mean, I could just see the
impact of that - to really be vulnerable and in the moment.

SCOTT
Yes. Now you can read about a lot of these people in my book, called the “Love
Book - The Top 50 Most Trusted Experts Reveal Their Secrets for Relationship
Success”.

ADAM
Is that on Amazon?

SCOTT
It is on Amazon.

ADAM
And just - we will just do it: Dr. Scott Braxton - so they can find it that way.

SCOTT
That’s right. People are talking about all different things about what make a
relationship not work, what makes it work; what a relationship can be for; what
people often think a relationship is for - which is being entertained and happy -
which is all fine.
But in this, the experts really pointed out that a relationship really, really can be
about spiritual growth; about learning about yourself. When you get triggered,
what is it about you that has this be a trigger; and how can you heal yourself?
Some really great advice from these experts.

ADAM
No, it is a terrific book, an amazing compendium. And you bring up the fourth
element; actually, when we were talking about inner mastery - and I will admit
personally this is a tough one for me - which is “Know what you want from a
relationship”. Because what I want tends to change. So what do you have to say
 17

about that? How do you gain mastery of what you want, and how do you
communicate that?

SCOTT
Yes. So it takes some willingness to do the work. You make a list of what it is
that you really want. And this can take on a few flavors. And so you let it. You
start by writing a general list: “This is what I want”.
And you will notice that it falls into some categories, like “This is who I want to
be in a relationship”. So I will maybe say, you know, “I want to be comfortable
and confident in my relationship. I want to be connected”. And so that is an
internal state but you are going to want to work with somebody or find somebody
in your relationship that you actually can be confident around.
So for me, the things that I want: my number one important thing is to learn and
grow; to contribute to someone and be contributed to. I mean, that is essential. It
is an absolute. I have to have that in my relationship.
I want to be with somebody that I can connect deeply with; that in a few moments
we can just silently connect and I know that she knows that I love her and I’m
here for her.
I want to be able to feel myself more than I am able to feel on my own. And then I
want somebody I can play with; so sexual expression and exploration are
important.
Another thing is I want to make sure that our relationship is up to something in the
world; because I will tell you, your relationship is always up to something. And
many of you guys have noticed that your partner will say, “So what are we doing
in this relationship?”, right? And then you get this question about the relationship
- because it has got to be up to something.
And so if it is focused internally on itself, it is kind of like an empty stomach with
all the acid, eating itself; and it will be an ulcer. But if you take your relationship
and focus it outward; like “Our relationship is up to teaching other couples about
how to relate”, all of a sudden you have got a future that is really worth living
into. It energizes the relationship. And you are moving together with such
incredible excitement, towards it.

ADAM
That is a great frame, by the way: without making a show of your relationship.
That is the danger side; that is the shadow side of that.

SCOTT
That’s right. It is the “toxic mimic” of it.

ADAM
The toxic mimic, yes. But to really demonstrate to yourselves and to others what
love can really feel like. And take it out of the smallness of who you actually are.
 18

You know, I love the - again, quoting David Deida; but I have got a lot of him in
my head after two years of working so closely with him - he talks about “Loving
through personality”, like beyond personality.
Because we all get sick of each other. We get sick of ourselves. I get sick of me
all the time, right? And you spend enough time with someone - you are going to
get sick of them. There is stuff you are just going to get sick of. There is no way
around it. And you can’t stop at that level. You have to love beyond personality.
And you have to see the light within the other person, the yearning within the
other person.
I often talk about “seeing the little girl in the old woman” in the woman you are
with; and know that there is a whole story there - and not get caught up in the
moment of, you know, her mood or where she is at the moment. And just, you
know, get vast; get a huge perspective on what life is, you know? And don’t get
caught up.
So that is part of that, I think; demonstrating love can be; you know, modeling
what it can be.

SCOTT
That is beautiful Adam.

ADAM
Well thank you. I put some thought into this.

SCOTT
Yes. That is amazing.

ADAM
Yes, it is fun stuff. I wish, yes, I wish we knew this stuff when we were twenty!

SCOTT
Well, you know, fortunately, the men that you work with, if any men are twenty,
have an opportunity to see and learn from this now.

ADAM
Yes. Including my teenage sons - which has been very fulfilling. But that is
another subject. They are lucky boys, I can just tell you that. And my sixteen-
year-old is reading through “Way of the Superior Man” right now and we talk
about it at night; he reads a chapter and we talk about it. It’s fantastic.

SCOTT
Yes. Really good.
 19

ADAM
Right, I want to jump… Wow! We have gone through a bunch of time and there
is so much more I want to talk to you about. Mastery, inner mastery: we talked
about another point which I can’t underline enough again; which is bringing one
hundred percent responsibility for happiness and fulfillment and satisfaction -
internally.
So I have something to say about that but I want you to go first - about taking
absolute, one hundred percent - not ninety percent! - and there is no cheating; it is
always one hundred percent responsible for your own happiness and fulfillment.

SCOTT
Yes. So, just look back when you are dating somebody: who would you be to win
them? You are going to bring your best self, right?

ADAM
Right.

SCOTT
You are going to be happy, cheerful, excited, up to things. And that is what is
going to actually cause somebody to want to be in a relationship. And for some
reason people tend to drop that later.
And I think the reason comes from if I am bringing one hundred percent
happiness and fulfillment and satisfaction to a relationship, and I am with a good
woman, she is going to make me feel even better than that. And all of a sudden I
could start to think that my happiness comes from her, because it sure looks like
it.
And when she doesn’t do that, all of a sudden my happiness goes away and I
blame her: “She took it away; she is not doing what she was doing”. But, look,
before she came along, I was happy!
So it is just one of these traps that you can slide into. And when you realize like a
possibility that you really can be one hundred percent responsible for your own
happiness, that that is what you can bring to it; that you just do it and go, “Wow! I
am noticing when I am not happy and I bring happiness”.
So, good. I would love to hear what you have to say about this.

ADAM
Well, this is going to sound a little wild to some people - but we live in California
and we do all kinds of bold, experimental things. So, there I was in the Peruvian
Amazon. And I was working with Sharmans and with plant Medicines down
there. And I know this may sound outrageous to some people - but it is actually
not that unusual; they have been working with these plant medicines for centuries
and centuries, if not thousands of years.
 20

And one of them is a vehicle for truth; it just clears away untruth. And I was
lying there in the jungle at night, having drunk a brew of this stuff, and looking up
at the Milky Way which was really clear. And I “saw” (I don’t know if it actually
happened) a lightning bolt come from the sky, run down the palm tree I was lying
beneath; and it stood my body straight up, onto my feet. I was lying down; I don’t
remember bending my knees - I was just remember suddenly being standing
straight up. And these words were given to me: “You are one hundred percent
responsible for all emotional pain in your life”.
And it may sound like a strange story - but that moment changed my life. Ever
since then, I have been unable - I would be ashamed to do it - I have been unable
to blame anybody for my emotional state.
It was the kind of gift that I think you get from doing therapy for ten years, where
you take… where you finally take responsibility, and you can’t blame anybody
for your emotional states.
So that is my story. That moment changed my life. A kind of anger went out of
me. The possibility for a kind of anger went out of me. You know, I can see what
I don’t like in other people maybe, and how I am in relationship with that; but it
doesn’t affect me emotionally any more because I know my reaction, my
response, is mine. One hundred percent.

SCOTT
Clear. Really clear. And it is not ninety percent; it is not like “I wish it were this
way”…

ADAM
Right!

SCOTT
“… Somebody told me that this is how I should be and I will pretend that I am but
I am really not”. I mean, that level of clarity you have is the type of… this is true
transformation. You see that - you can never go back.

ADAM
Cannot go back. It’s true. It’s true. Yes, that is a magic little medicine there; I’ve
got to tell you. That is one of many, many revelations given to me.

SCOTT
But I think that that is the access for people to see how to be one hundred percent
happy. Because I think most everybody can have some innate sense that when
you are upset or angry it is, you know, sure - somebody did something and it
triggered you; you didn’t like it - but it is always you allowing yourself to be
angry. It is always you and how you are going to deal with that.
 21

And it is almost always from the past. And a different person will respond to it
differently. And so you can know that really your upset or your anger really
comes from you.

ADAM
Absolutely.

SCOTT
And when you get that side, then you have the possibility of saying, “Wow! I
could actually be happy any time I wanted to be”.

ADAM
That’s right. And if comes and someone is not - I would never use the words
“making you happy” - but if you can’t be happy with someone in the state that she
is, at the level of development she is, and she is not going to grow - you leave.
You don’t blame. You just leave. “It is not going to work, I am moving on”.

SCOTT
Now that is a great one, because I would say that that is probably one of the things
that most inhibits men; is this idea of “I can’t leave. She’s the one. She has to be
the one. I will never find another one. I don’t know how; there’s not that many
women…”. You know, the whole mind-fuck that people get into around that
really limits men.
And if you were just to, as a man, if you were just to think, “Wow! Okay, so I am
with this woman; she is kind of crazy. I can deal with it, and this and that; I have
been learning, I have been dealing with her tests; I have been growing
tremendously”. All of a sudden I go, “Wow! You know what? It’s boring. Her
tests are no longer testing me; they are just boring. The happiness has gone. It is
just about this, and this, and this. She is not willing to grow. I am bored. I think I
am done. I have reached the end of this”.
You just get there and then you realize there are, if you are a good man, there are
thousands of other women who you could snap up, or who would want to snap
you up.
And now your challenge is to not get snapped up too quickly by another good
woman. Completely switch the frame: it is not like, “Oh my God, am I ever
going to meet another one?”; but “How am I going to hold off so that I don’t get
snapped up too quickly, so that I can authentically feel-in to each relationship and
pick the best of the women out there, who is going to serve me and who I can
serve”.

ADAM
Yes. Beautifully said. Thank you. Love that.
 22

SCOTT
And then you don’t have to be so collapsed and hold on to, “Oh my God, this has
got to be the one; I have got to please her and she has got to stick around; and if I
just could please her enough she will be more of what I want…” And that whole
bit that is just swilling down a toilet! Nobody wants that.

ADAM
Nobody.

SCOTT
If you can’t get it, you can’t create it. Then easily move on, without blame.

ADAM
Absolutely. Without blame. And that is the key part. Because as soon as you
start blaming; as soon as you start blaming the girl, you have lost focus on
yourself; you have lot curiosity about yourself and you have lost all that
opportunity for growth.
I will pull out a great parenting phrase here: “A teachable moment” - a teachable
moment for yourself, right?

SCOTT
Right.

ADAM
Okay, we are great. We have been on for almost an hour, which is fantastic. I
want to… and what I love about you Scott is that you have been through a lot of
experiences, some very similar to mine, and you have really gotten beneath them.
And these are great lessons, again, for inner mastery. Some of the sessions in this
product, in this training, on how to be after 30 / 40, how to date, are very much
about how to relate to women; and so the more external elements.
But this is great - about getting inside and doing that kind of internal work. And I
know you have prepared a couple of exercises; and I love getting practical! So
let’s move into that. What are some exercises men can do to develop that inner
mastery?

SCOTT
Good. So, you know, there are two parts here. So there is the internal, that we are
talking about; internal mastery. And you are going to be relating with a woman.
So I would say the essential part is to make a list of what you want and what you
need in a relationship. Look at this as your “negotiable” and “non-negotiable” list
of what you have to have.
 23

Another key skill to have - and I will tell you, this is a great challenge - so I am
going to ask the men to do this: is take out a piece of paper and write down
probably at least three incidences in your life where a woman has done something
that has pissed you off; in fact you think she did it to piss you off. Write that
down. Write down enough around it so you can associate back into that time; so
you can really feel what you felt during that time.
Once you have done that, find a way to reframe what she did as “She is testing
you to see if you are worthy”. Just imagine: she is giving her life to you like you
would be giving your life to a rope bridge across the canyon. And I tell you,
before you step on that rope bridge you are going to do a little stress test to see if
it is going to break!
That is what she is doing with you. She is doing a stress test to see, “If I give my
heart to you; if I give my life to you, are you strong enough to hold both of us?”
So, knowing that she was doing that as a stress test to see if you were worthy, how
would you have reacted differently? Just go ahead and write that out.

ADAM
Excellent.

SCOTT
So those are two writing exercises that people can do.

ADAM
I’m a big fan of that.

SCOTT
Now I’ve got another one there that has been really helpful for me, I’ll tell you.
And this is particularly useful when you have gotten triggered. Something has
happened; maybe she has done a test and it is a bit too much for you, or whatever.
And maybe you have called a Time Out, or you have hung up the phone - and you
are like a little shaken.
So I am going to give you a brief exercise that you can do that really connects you
back to your body, to who you are. And this is something you can do in the
moment. And I know you have got a lot of great things that men are going to
want to do on an ongoing basis - and I would love for you to talk about that just
after this.
But just a really brief exercise: so what you do is you just close your eyes - go
and do that now…

ADAM
Okay.
 24

SCOTT
Breathe into your body. Breathe into your belly and let your belly expand. And
just notice how you can feel your belly expanding. You are feeling the breathing
just into below your belly-button. As you do that, just bring the energy down and
feel it coming down into your body.
Now, if you are sitting or standing, make sure your feet are firmly on the floor.
And as you take another deep breath in, then with your out-breath, really feel
breathing out to the soles of your feet.
Notice you can feel that your feet are alive. You can feel the power of the earth
supporting you, as it is always supporting you in there. Your body tends to take
on weight and presence and substance. Notice how you take up space. You own
the space that you are. And just feel that.
Then notice the sounds around you. And notice any body sensations you have.
And then notice you are not identical to these sounds and sensations. All the
sounds and sensations are objects that are rising to the awareness that you are.
Notice your thoughts and your feelings. And notice that you are not identical to
your thoughts or your feelings. Your thoughts and feelings are just objects that
are arising to the awareness that you are. You are the one that has always been
present. There is never a time when you are absent. You have always been you.
Just notice you. And do not pretend that you are seeking, or finding, or forgetting
the one that you truly are.
And breathe into that. Good. So you can do this kind of a breathing exercise
within a couple; so if you connect with your partner and hold her hand, or sit on
the ground knee to knee; look into her eye - look left eye to left eye because that
tends to like connect with the love side and the compassion side. And
synchronize your breath together; where you are leading the breathing but you are
leading the pace that is most comfortable for her.
You will learn how to connect with her heart as you learn how to do this. And as
you breathe together, just be present with her. And there is a sense of intimacy
that will develop that is really delicious.
So, now you can use this as part of an exercise, to reconnect to being happy. We
were talking about how to be a hundred percent happy at any time - and when you
forget that, you can start with this breathing exercise and just realize you take up
space; and be like proud of it - like “Yes, I take up space. I own this space. This
is who I am. And I am not my thoughts and my feelings. They are just objects
that arise to who I am”.
Then realize that you really are up to something in the world; that you have had
successes. And connect to that. And then think of three things, three specific
things that bring you joy. It could be playing with a nephew or niece; it could be
a conversation that you have with a friend. It could be a cold beer at the end of
the day; your first good gulp of cold beer that just brings you such joy.
 25

And when you connect into these three incidences and realize you are up to
something in the world, and you connect it to your body and your breath, you will
instantly be connected to the happiness that is.
And you can do that any time.

ADAM
Beautiful.

SCOTT
And I would love to hear some things that you have to say for men; about how to
stay connected with their body all the time. You have some ideas around physical
exercise.

ADAM
Well yes - so much. Look, I have always been very physical; you know, growing
up, as I was doing sports, I taught karate, all these kinds of things. But it doesn’t
mean I was really connected to my body; because I also tend to be very cerebral.
And in the last few years, through the work with David Deida and through work
with Satyen Raja - I don’t know if you know Satyen, do you?

SCOTT
I know of him.

ADAM
Yes - Warrior Sage. Great, great program; really doing what they call
“embodiment practice” - how to become aware of your breathing. Something we
do pretty often, really! And when you become conscious of your breath, and
when you can really circulate your breath through your body - and again, I can’t
get in too deeply here; maybe I will add something elsewhere - when you really
become conscious of your breath, it becomes a tool for you.
So you can really ground yourself, at any moment, just with three deep breaths.
Just really ground yourself - take out nervousness, that kind of thing. There are
meditative practices where you can breathe in all the pain in the world and then
breathe out love, as a way to really prepare yourself; to bring yourself to a
woman, for example; or just bring yourself out into the world. Or before a
meeting - again, it takes you into that vastness, so that you are not caught up in the
nervousness of the moment.
One of the most beautiful things you can do, once you have consciousness of your
breath, is to breathe with your woman when you are lying next to each other,
while you are making love. Very subtle effect that has. And very powerful.
And she may not actually know what you are doing; but if you can coordinate
your breath with hers (and we do this as a practice in workshops) she will feel
 26

connected to you. And she will be connected to you. And it lays the groundwork
for a deeper connection.
So those are just a few things I very much recommend: boxing, mixed martial
arts, yoga - anything that pushes your limits a little so that you feel your body in
new ways, so that you feel alive.
So this is just a really brief overview.

SCOTT
Thanks. Maybe the way to end this and to summarize everything is to go into this
five-part model of “Who you need to be for yourself, so that you can be fully
there in a relationship”.

ADAM
Alright, let’s run through those. Five parts. And then we will cut out. This is
great, Scott, by the way. I am now - two-thirds of the way - thanking you again. I
am really enjoying what you are saying.

SCOTT
Awesome.

ADAM
So let’s run through. Five… what would you call them?

SCOTT
Well it is almost like stairs of who you need to be. And each of them builds on
the prior one. So you really want to start with a solid core. You really need to
start from “Who are you?” and “What are you doing in the world?”.
And if you are focused on outer gain and pickup lines and things like this, it is in
the wrong order. You really need to know who you are, what you like, what you
are doing; what is your purpose - and get all set on that.
Number two: once you have that, learn how to become one hundred percent
responsible. You already are one hundred percent responsible. But now you have
to learn how to do that; how to be that as a... use that as a tool to get back to “You
are responsible for your happiness".
When you bring that, you can bring being whole and complete into the
relationship; where you are not needing anything from it yet you are open
to it and you are accepting of the gifts that are in the relationship. There is
this sweet spot. Every man has felt this before - where you have not
needed something from your woman and yet you have been open and
accepting. And I tell you, lovemaking from that point of view is divine:
when you are not needing sex; you are complete, you are happy and
 27

fulfilled, and you are open. And the woman feels that as this divine
invitation; that when she steps into that it is incredible.

Number three: is being present; like a hundred percent available, there.

You are impacted by what is going on, by her; you can appreciate her and
enjoy anything that is going on in the moment. If she is angry you can
find things to appreciate and enjoy - not from a mockery point of view but
like, “Wow, I can really appreciate that you’re upset”.

Number four: once you have mastered all of those, this is where some of
the tools of outer gain really can come in as a powerful way. What I mean
by that is become a master of experience: create experience for her and for
you. Find ways to play and to bring humor. And now you, with the
foundation of being solid, being responsible, being present, you add this -
of experience; and oh my God! You are somebody who women will be
searching out for. They will be telling stories about you! Women will
be…

ADAM
They will be singing your song nine hundred years from now, like ???

SCOTT
It is going to be just like that! I mean, you can really feel-in to how important that
is. If you are a master at creating incredible experiences, scenes, dates that are
really fun and exciting, then life takes on a whole new, a WHOLE new amount of
pleasure from that point. But really coming from the solid core first.

ADAM
It’s true. I have another group of teachings called “Erotic Mastery”; and one of
the trainings is by a woman in San Francisco - no coincidence there - about
creating an erotic atmosphere; like an erotic date, from the first moment to the
last, and really setting the scene. So I like that. It is really important to do.

SCOTT
Right.

ADAM
Setting the scene, creating the scene.

SCOTT
You know, on another tape we will talk all about that, because I love setting that
up.
 28

ADAM
Okay. I love that you said “tape”, by the way - because it shows how old we
actually are! Who says “tape”? “On the reel-to-reel”!

SCOTT
Yes, there we go! Because there are some really great things in there - but there
are also traps along the way.

ADAM
Yes.

SCOTT
So that is fun to talk about.

ADAM
And then the last one is the big one. It is the one you and I…

SCOTT
Yes. This is the full step of everything; that makes you a full, integrated, really
great man: and this is being able to grow and learn in your relationship. And
being solid under challenge.
You know, if you look at the great men of the world, the actors that you see out
there; the Harrison Fords of the world, where the women are like, “Wow! Here is
a great man!”
Here is somebody who is solid under challenge. You know, he knows what he
wants to do. He is not beholding to his woman but he really takes into
consideration what she wants. But he is up to something great in his life. When
he is playing those incredible roles, that is who he is being; he is completely
present wherever he is at. He is impacted; he has freedom to move and really
respond; to not be reactive. He knows how to create and craft the whole
experience.
So any of these other people - the MacGyvers of the world or any of the people
that we used to admire - you know, they fit into this model. And you may find
other things that you really look at and say, “Wow! I like that!”. Go ahead and
look for men like that, and model those traits. It’s a great thing to do.

ADAM
Excellent. Scott, I want to thank you so much for taking time out to go through
these principles. It has been really useful. It has been thought provoking for me.
Now, you do direct work, so I want you to go ahead - if anyone wants to work
with Scott, Scott is, as I said, a therapist. And you have a program to help men
 29

actually get a grip on where they are and move into the next phase. So do you
want to talk about what that is?

SCOTT
Sure. I am doing a six-session phone session package that is called “Engineer the
Ideal Lover”. And in this - there are six one-hour sessions - and what we are
going to go through is the values; the things that are really, truly important to you,
and why. And once you have that you can now align, and set your compass, align
your compass - and live by that.
Then “The Rules for Happiness”. And you will be shocked, really, at how people
sabotage their happiness by having impossible rules. I want to give you a quick
example: I was working with this woman who said her most important value was
honesty. And I said “Okay, great. So how do you know when you have that?”.
And she says “I don’t know. But I sure as hell know when I don’t have it!”.
So one of her most important things, one of her most important rules that would
have her be happy, had no possibility of ever being fulfilled and could only be
used as something that caused her misery.
So once you get how rules work and clean that up, and redesign your rules on
happiness, you will find yourself naturally living happier, way more often.
The other thing we do is we clean up the past, because we all have hurt and
incompletion from past relationships. And they are destined to play out in your
future - unless you can discover the hidden messages from those other
relationships and reframe the past in a way that really gives you power, clarity,
certainty; so that you can move forward true and complete.
We also go into your purpose and do some strategic visioning, because you can’t
really be sexy for a woman unless you know your purpose and know how to start
moving to become aligned with your purpose.

ADAM
Really true.

SCOTT
We will go through the “Needs and Wants List”. Now, in my experience, people
do this all the time - you can do your own. And I really encourage men who listen
to this to write their own “Needs and Wants List”.
But it really takes working with somebody to go through, because people will say
“Well, I’ll tell you what: what I want is somebody who is not a bitch”. And you
say, “Well, okay - that is in ‘not wanting’. What is it you want?”.
And then you will find some reframing in here, because what you have been
calling a “bitch” could actually be a woman who will call you on your shit, and
you are not being the man that you really want to be.
 30

And, you know, that can be uncomfortable; but I tell you, if you want to grow as a
man you probably want to get used to that! You probably want to call out for that
- not have that be the focus of your relationship; but you might want to make
space for that.
So working with somebody to modify and really figure out what your right
“Needs and Wants List” is, is important. And we do that in this.
And finally, the last session is all around “How to create your relationship so that
it is up to something incredible”. Because otherwise the relationship will be about
the relationship; and like we discussed, it is going to be something that will eat
itself out, like a cancer or like an ulcer. So we discuss that in the last session, to
really set you up powerfully for dating.
So normally this six-session package is $900. But we are going to do this half-
price for your listeners, the people who have done this…

ADAM
Cool.

SCOTT
And this is for people who are ready to take action right away. So if you go to
www.excellentrelationships.com you will end up downloading a free report
around some of the things that we talked about today, about the traps and the tips.
And you will schedule a free twenty-minute coaching call, just to see if this work
is actually for you.
See, I don’t have a lot of time to work with people, and I only will work with
people who are committed to really being responsible for their lives, really
stepping up, and who want to take this and learn from it. I don’t want to work
with people who say, “Great! Here I am! Go ahead and do your magic - fix me
and make me better!”. No, it doesn’t work that way.
So if you are committed - and in this twenty-minute call we will work out what is
going on for you - and I can see that you re the right kind of client, then we can go
ahead and work together in the six-session package.
So, again, go to www.excellentrelationships.com.

ADAM
Beautiful. And just, the name of your book again?

SCOTT
Yes, it is called the “Love Book: The Top 50 Most Trusted Experts Reveal Their
Secrets for Relationship Success”.
 31

ADAM
And Scott, you actually mentioned another book during this talk. I want to ask
you about that.

SCOTT
A book I was thinking about - I don’t know if I mentioned - was Debbie Ford’s
book. See you were talking earlier about shadow work and you were talking
about “Romancing the Shadow”. And I don’t know of that book - but I do know
Debbie Ford’s book; and in that, that is one of the nicest and most helpful books I
have ever seen on working with your shadow inside, to find the parts that you
have been denying and find the brilliant part; find the helpful part; find the part
that it is truly worth admiring and listening to. Because the shadow parts always
have something to teach us. And when we listen to the parts that they want to
teach us, we don’t have to have all the whole rest of the negative behavior.
So, Debbie Ford’s book, “The Dark Side of the Light Chasers” is a brilliant book
on shadow work.

ADAM
Beautiful. Dr. Scott Braxton - thank you so much for taking time. This has been
a fantastic call about real inner mastery. And obviously if anybody wants to do a
little work with Scott, I think it would help you very, very much. I recommend
him deeply; I know him, I have met him - and I am really impressed by your focus
and how much YOU have transformed over the years.

SCOTT
Thank God, huh?

ADAM
I get it! Alright! Well Scott, thank you so much - and I will see everyone on the
other trainings. Have a great day Scott.

SCOTT
Thank you. Bye-bye Adam.