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INTERVIEW
John Alanis

Adam Gilad
Gilad Creative Media, Inc.

March 2010

ADAM
Hey, this is Adam Gilad - and welcome to this session of “Dating after Thirty-Five and
Dating after Forty”. Today we have a very interesting guest (an ex-military man I might
add!) and a friend of mine; and someone who has been teaching men deep masculine
practices, deep dating practices for a number of years. His name is John Alanis. John,
welcome.

JOHN
Hey, it’s a pleasure to be here man! Thanks for having me.

ADAM
It’s a pleasure to have you - so to speak! Sounds weird! But consider yourself “had”!
So, John, let’s jump into this. You have done a lot of really interesting work. And what
I want to talk to you specifically about today is about helping men really “own” their
authority. And, as you and I were talking earlier, not in a “dickish” kind of way - but in
a really relaxed kind of way. It was a word that appealed to you; we started talking
about it - and it is a work I have used often. I heard one of my teachers talk about
“When you can relax into your masculine, it helps women relax into their feminine.”

JOHN
Yes, I mean look, this concept of authority is probably, in this day and age, one of the
most misunderstood concepts out there when it comes to attraction. Yet it is the one
thing that women are biologically programmed to seek out in a man. And if you have
this what I have dubbed “personal authority”, it really gathers other attraction that you
can develop; but if you have this and nothing else, you will attract women.
If you develop this sense of personal authority and if you don’t… or you know
everything else, but you don’t have this you won’t attract women - or not on a constant
and consistent basis, because it is what they are biologically programmed to look for in
a man.
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In the end, though, over the past thirty or so years there has been, through society and
culture, a constant trying to “beat this out” of men and turn them into an emasculated
version of the male. And women are really frustrated with this because they don’t want
it, they don’t like it; they know that there is something missing in today’s men. And
when you present them with this “relaxed sense of personal authority”, as you describe
it, they are like, “Yeah! That’s what I was looking for!”
They can’t really put a name to it until you mention that and until you kind of show
them what it is all about. Then they are like, “Yes, that’s what I want in a man. That is
what I have been missing.”
And there is a lot of myth about it. You know, when you talk to a guy, you know, in
this day and age about authority, sometimes they think it is a guy who hollers and
screams and yells and is a real jerk - and that is not it at all! It is a guy who has, you
know, got an inner strength, who is confident, who is relaxed, who is funny - just a real
cool guy to hang out with, but a woman feels safe and secure because she knows that
there is not going to be anything happen with this guy.
And so, yes, there is a kind of confusion about this. But once you get it right, once you
really understand what it is all about, it just feels very natural to you; and then all of a
sudden women of all ages are attracted to you.

ADAM
Agreed! Let’s establish the two extremes where men make mistakes. And then we will
start breaking down what personal authority feels like; how to really cultivate it in
yourself - because it is not something you suddenly have or don’t have; it is something
you have in the moment. So it is a practice that you can put into place at any time. So I
want to stress that.
So before we get into how to really exude and embody personal authority, let’s talk
about the extremes: one, as you were saying, is a kind of weakness, a lack of authority;
and the other is a kind of boorish authority.
So let’s talk about the mistakes men make when it comes to attraction - especially when
you have reached age thirty-five and forty, and women expect you to have some
authority on life; they expect you to have some experience and start embodying what I
call your “Kingship”.
So what are some ways that, in an attraction context, do men not project authority, or
project lack of authority?

JOHN
Well, I mean, it’s a funny thing. If you look at like all the stuff in the media today about
how men are portrayed, or in chick-flicks and stuff, you get the guy who is the nice
pushover, “go along to get along”, who really looks to the woman to lead. And it is
really not any guy’s fault that, you know, you do that - because I used to do that too
because I thought that was how it was supposed to be; you know, women say, “I just
want to meet a nice guy.”
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And the problem that happens is - it’s a very good point that you bring up that when you
reach a certain age, thirty-five or forty, women expect you to have some authority, some
attraction skills; they expect you to act in a certain way. And when you don’t it is a
major turnoff to them and they will run from that.
Women look to men to lead them. And what I say by “lead” is it doesn’t mean
necessarily, “Oh, we’re going to go here and we’re going to do this.” The example that
I always give of, you know, is authority in the moment is most guys look to women and
say, “Hey, what do you want to do tonight?” And they HATE that stuff, because they
want the guy to lead. And so instead you make a subtle shift, and it is like, “Hey, I’m in
the mood to go out to a nice steak house tonight, have some good wine, hang out -
sound good to you?”
And most of the time she will say yes. Or if she is really not interested, “No, I’d really
like to kind of do something else.” “Alright, well I’ll tell you what: why don’t we just
go hang out, shoot some pool, have a couple of beers - hey, I’m kind of in the mood for
that too. Sound like a good time? Let’s go.”
And so it is a very subtle shift that you are making in the moment, to really kind of take
control and lead, while keeping her involved in the process too, so that she knows that
she is with a strong guy who is relaxed, who is having fun; but that he also appreciates
and involves her, instead of trying to control her.
So you have probably heard this saying before: “In control but not controlling.” And
most guys just look to the woman to lead and they let the authority slip over to her
because we are kind of all brought up that way in this day and age. But when you do
that, when most guys do that, it is like, “Jeez, I’m not getting any type of results. I
don’t know what the matter is - maybe I am not attractive / maybe women don’t like me
/ there is something wrong with women / they are all bitches / they go after these jerky
boys” and stuff like that. And so a lot of guys get really frustrated.
And when you begin to make this shift of understanding that, hey, women look to you
to lead in the moment, to lead the interaction, to lead within the relationship, to create a
context of security and comfort; when you start doing that stuff and you start seeing
their reactions - literally within a few days of you starting doing this, you will see vastly
different reactions. It really is unbelievable. And it finally kind of clocks in and you
are like, “Oh yeah! That is how I’m supposed to act as a man” - not this really “nice
guy” stuff, this pushover stuff; this, you know, let me give you compliments, “You’re
so pretty”, let me confide some of my feelings to you - that type of stuff. Which to
almost every guy when you do it, you think you are supposed to do it but it just feels
unnatural. It doesn’t feel right. It feels “off”.
And when you start leading within the relationship, when you start taking control, in a
way that involves her, all of a sudden it just starts feeling right and you kind of get into
a groove with that.
So that is certainly the extreme of, you know, coming from the point of weakness that a
lot of guys come from in the beginning, especially in this day and age.
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ADAM
Excellent! And so one example you gave is to say, “I’m really in the mood for a great
steak; we’ll have some wine”; you know, and put it out there as a choice that you have
made and that she can join your ride. I often talk about “Be the ride”: women want to
ride, to be “on”. You know, rather than two people riding bicycles next to each other,
women are looking for excitement; they are looking for a leader.
And there are practical ways of doing this. I will throw in one that I have recommended
in my book, “Deep Attraction Online”, about online dating: rather than ask someone
for a date online, what I would do and what I recommend is say, “I will be in X
neighborhood. There is a fantastic café or wine bar - I’ll be there at 7 o’clock. It would
be great to meet then.” You know, “I’m going here - come join me.” Not “Would you
like to… would you PLEASE come and meet me at a Starbucks?” (which is a sexually
neutral place anyway!).
What are some other examples of setting (I just invented this phrase as you were
talking) setting “loving boundaries”? Because I think that is a way of creating a sense
of control without being controlling. What are some other ways you have found that
you can establish authority that way?

JOHN
Oh, it is a very good saying. It is a very good point. One thing I will mention real
quick, in reference to what you just said about “being the ride”: there is an old, dumb
movie from the Eighties with John Lithgow in it called “Buckaroo Bonsai”…

ADAM
I love it! Great movie!

JOHN
Yeah! But there is a saying in there that I love: “Wherever you go, there you are”,
okay? And if you think about that, and you are the guy - hey, it doesn’t matter where
you go because wherever you go, there you are! You are the cool guy, it is happening
in the moment because you are there. And if she is with you, it is the place to be. And
so I have always loved that saying, “Wherever you go, there you are.”
But onto the question you just brought up is, look, you and I both know that women
love to test men. And they always poke and they poke and they poke. And lots of guys
don’t understand that what a woman is testing for right there is authority. Are you
going to put up with her silliness? Are you going to put up with her BS? Because, you
know, if you can’t stand up TO her, you can’t stand up FOR her.
In a lot of guys this drives them crazy because they think, “I just can’t make her happy.
I can’t make you happy. Why do you do this? Why do you do this? Why do you do
this?” Instead of saying, “Wait a second here! She is just testing me a little bit to see if
I am still the man she was attracted to. She just wants to see a little bit of authority here
- so this is an opportunity for me to create attraction, and make her feel like she really
wants to see it, and let her know that she is still with a man!”
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And so if a woman calls me up, for example, and says, “Oh, I’m going to be, you know,
twenty minutes late.” I am going to be, “No, we kind of made plans at this time - so
you find yourself here at 7 o’clock and don’t be late. And don’t be late again.” And it
is not, you know, being a jerk about it; it is just kind of stating matter of fact that, “No,
this is how it is.”
So whenever she starts misbehaving a little bit… I had a friend of mind who gives me a
picture of me and her. And I know what she is trying to do; she is like, “Oh, here’s a
picture for your birthday.” And so I went and I put it in my back bedroom. And she is
like, she comes over and she says, “Why don’t you put this up here? I can’t believe that
I gave you this as a gift, you know, bla, bla, bla - you’re being such a jerk!” and I’m
like, “Come on! I know what you’re trying to do - and that just doesn’t work with me.
Go and do that with one of your ‘nice guy’ friends.” And she is like, “Oh! Yeah,
you’re right. Ah, you got me!”
So they just test you for authority. And the way to respond to this is always with firm,
fun, good humor, with the attitude behind it: “I know what you’re up to. You’re testing
me. It’s cool because you’re a woman - but I’m a man, so I’m just going to put up this
little wall of authority here; and you are going to be happy.”
And so a lot of guys, you know, they see it as… they are frustrated, they get into an
argument… This is coming from a point of weakness. A guy who understands authority
looks at it is an opportunity to create attraction, like, “Alright, here are the boundaries
here; here are the boundaries here; here are the boundaries here. Yes, I’m reminding
you that I am still the man that you were attracted to - and thank you for asking.” So
that is really the right attitude with that.

ADAM
That’s really fun. I like that “Go and do that with one of your ‘nice guy’ friends, ‘nice
guy’ boyfriends.

JOHN
Yes, I use that one all the time. They like that. It’s like, “No, go ask a nice guy - I’ve
got stuff to do.”

ADAM
Yes. When you say “One of your nice guy boyfriends”, it so puts down the other way
of being that it is, “Hey! Hang on!” you know? It attracts you even more. You can
also say, “Surely you can carry on better than that - come on, stomp your feet!”

JOHN
Oh that’s a good one too.

ADAM
I just thought of it. And there is another one - this is a really fun one - when you just
come up and you just take her shoulders and you say, “Surely there is something better
you could do with your mouth.”
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JOHN
Yeah! That’s a good one!

ADAM
Then you kiss her. Yes. That’s a beautiful one. I give credit to one of my teachers for
that. He said, “Take her by the shoulders, push her up against the wall; lift her up off
her feet - not in a brutal way; in a fun way, but firmly - and say, ‘Surely there is
something better you can do with your mouth’” And then you just kiss her. And if that
one fails, you shouldn’t be together!

JOHN
Yes, they love that! And the other thing that i will tell them is I will tell them, “You’re
just trying to get a spanking, aren’t you? But you’ve got to do more than that to get one
of those…”

ADAM
Oh!

JOHN
“… Those are earned. I just don’t give those out freely.” “Oh. Okay.” It’s like,
“You’ve got to do better than that babe! Sorry!”

ADAM
Oh, “Those are earned!” That’s a beautiful one! That’s good. I love that! Okay, so I
think we have got some great responses for testing. What about, well, I think we both
know - and I am sure most guys listening understand - what being a jerk is, and
throwing out a bit of controlling authority is like - but maybe you want to say something
about that.

JOHN
Yes, well look, it is a really good point because a lot of guys, when they hear about this
authority thing, sometimes they will go the opposite way and they think that means, “I
should yell at her, and I should be abusive, and I should be demeaning” - but that is just
as weak as the “nice guy.” Because if you look at the guy who has true authority, the
guy that everybody looks to, he is always in command of the situation. And the guy
who wants to yell about something, who wants to throw a temper tantrum about
something, is NOT in control of the situation. He can’t control his feelings, he lets her
control her; and again, he has no authority whatsoever. It is a very weak place to be.
The other thing that will happen with guys like that, who constantly do that, is that
women, one of the things that is VERY important to them is that they want to feel
emotionally safe and secure around a man. And that means that they can trust you not
to wound them, not to hurt their feelings, not to demean them, not to make them feel
small. And when a guy starts doing that to her, a woman will pull back, and she will
not trust a guy like that with her emotional safety and emotional security, and she will
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start withholding things from him. And eventually that will wind up killing the
relationship because she is a little bit, you know, afraid of, “Hey, if I say this to this guy
he is going to start yelling at me, ‘Oh, you disrespect me’ and all that silly stuff” - and
eventually it is going to kill the relationship.
And so going to the extreme of being the loud, abusive jerk who is trying to be
controlling is a guy with a very small self-image. And he may initially attract women
because some of those qualities, in this day and age, as a wimp, can be attractive in the
absence of the other qualities; but they never last. And if you look at guys like that,
they have a constant string of short-term girlfriends, but they never have a long-term
relationship because they never create that environment of emotional safety and security
that a woman really needs to be in that type of a relationship.
And so the balance that you want to strike is - you know, “loving boundaries” is a very
good word - is you want to be firm, you want to create a feeling of security; you want to
be relaxed, confident, funny; you know, with just the attitude of “Look, whatever you
do, it just doesn’t faze me.” You want to have grace under pressure, you want to be the
unflappable guy; you know, that whatever happens, no matter if everything else is
falling down around you, you don’t lose it - you just kind of roll your eyes and go,
“Okay, this is a problem that needs to be handled. It is no big deal. I’m a man. I can
handle it.”
And so if that is the attitude that you have it is the right one. And the two wrong ones
are the “nice guy” on one end and the abusive jerk on the other - because those guys
really are sides of the same coin. It is the guy with the weak, damning self- image; not
the male with the strong, authoritative, relaxed, confident, funny self-image that women
just gravitate to.

ADAM
Absolutely¨! And that is a great description: “Funny and relaxed.” What do you say to
a guy who doesn’t really have confidence in his body? You know, we say it is nice to
project this relaxed authority. Some guys may not feel that; they may feel that, you
know, their work is not really working out very well for them, they haven’t been
successful for a while - and here we are saying “Project natural authority.”
So what would you say to a guy that says, “You know what? I’m really not feeling so
great about my life right now.” I mean, back when I first got divorced I would put
myself in that category. I didn’t carry myself with a sense of personal authority because
I felt kind of lousy. So are there any practices that you teach your men, to embody a
natural sense of authority when they are not really feeling very authoritative?

JOHN
Yes, I mean look, it is a really good question because personal authority is a skill like
anything else, and you are not going to learn it overnight. If you have had a bunch of
stuff happen and you are feeling kind of low in your life, and things are still out of
control, you are not all of a sudden going to a little “magic authority chant” and five
minutes later be ten-foot tall and bulletproof!
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I mean, this is a skill that you learn gradually, day by day, week by week, month by
month; and you internalize it until it becomes you. But a lot of times what I will tell a
guy in that respect is, “Look, find something that you know that you are good at, that
you can quickly master.” And you know, one of the things that I always tell guys is,
“Hey, physical fitness is a really good thing, because that is something where you have
total control over your body; you can see a lot of changes really fast - and obviously
women respond to a man who is physically fit. And it is something that you can
implement on a daily basis, so no matter what happens in your day, you did something
that was positive that you had control over.”
And when I got into fitness that is really what started kind of changing it for me. Now
you know, every guy is different: there are some guys… I am a weights guy, and I also
do hot yoga. I am not a swimmer, I am not a runner; I am not a martial arts guy. And
so it is different for all guys. But find something physical that you can master, because
what happens is every single day you get better and better and better, and you see
results really fast; and you realize that, “Hey, wait a second! I DO have a sense of
control over this. I DO have a sense of authority over this.” And then it starts to bleed
over into other areas.
And so once you are feeling that a little bit, what I tell a guy to do is I say “Okay, you
have seen that you can control your body with proper physical fitness, with proper diet.
You can see the changes. Alright, now what you need to do is go out into another area
that leads to attraction - like public speaking at Toastmasters, or something like that
where you can just get a little bit of traction; where you can do one of two things that
are easy to do, that can get you a win, that can get you a success.
And then once you have one small win, you go get another win based on top of that;
then another one, then another one, then another one.” So you don’t try and do this
stuff all at once. You just try and get a small win every day that builds on the win that
came before. And then all of a sudden you are, “Oh my God! I strung all this stuff
together and now I’ve got this skill that I have built and I am getting massive results out
of it!”
And that really is the kind of journey that I went through with that; you know, one piece
at a time, each day, getting a win, getting, a win, getting a win. And then all of a
sudden I said, “Hey! I’m an attractive guy!”
Hey, starting out you are not going to be able to go walk up to a beautiful woman and,
you know, have her want to marry you within a week or so - but you can see a beautiful
woman and just smile at her and get her to smile back at you! So that is a win. And
then you can start a conversation, and you can start building on it.
So I think what I would tell, in a nutshell, to any guy that is feeling a bit down right now
is “Understand this is a learnable skill. It is a little bit of a process - but if you take it
one win at a time, if you can get a small win every day, time passes fast. And all of a
sudden you will have built that into a big win after a few weeks and months pass.”
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ADAM
That is beautifully said, by the way. That is cannibal wisdom. That is really true: you
have to tabulate… it is the same as gratitude, by the way. For people who are, say,
depressed or hard on themselves, and just in a rut, you just start counting everything you
are grateful for during the day, from the moment you open your eyes: “God I’m glad to
be alive another day! Wow! That’s lucky! Not everyone gets that!” you know? “Oh,
there’s water coming out of my tap. I’m really lucky! Oh, I have hot water - that’s even
better!”
And you can really micro do it that way: “My feet work! My hands work! My liver
words! My car works!” And just you start tabulating everything that is actually good in
your life, and you put your attention there. You will start feeling grateful; you will start
feeling naturally happy.
So it is the same with authority: you start tabulating your wins and you will start
embodying confidence. And then the other part of that is to really - I used the word
“embodiment” which is crucial - you have to turn that into your body, because the body
is the vehicle of who you are. It doesn’t matter what you are thinking if your body
doesn’t show it!
And so, just to review - and you can add something: an authoritative man, a relaxed
authoritative man, breathes deeply, keeps eye contact, has the shoulders back and
relaxed (which I have learned from my yoga teachers by the way); you know, has
square hips, doesn’t lean on one hip or the other; and isn’t jittery. I’m trying to
remember who I was watching on TV the other day - and he was great, I mean the
speech was great - but he was all jittery and he was moving around, and it really
detracted from his authority.

JOHN
Oh it would, yes! Yes, I mean look, that is a good point, about being jittery. I mean, a
guy like that you just get a weird vibration from and it is like, “There is something ‘off’
here.” It is not calm.
Yes, a couple of things that I would add. I mean, look, I was in the Navy and the first
thing they teach you is the position of attention: you know, head back, chest forward,
legs at a forty-five degree angle, looking straight forward; and you know, when you
march you take a confident stride forward. If you look at how most guys look
nowadays - you want to watch all these whiny “alternative” videos that have been
infesting music since 1992 - I hate those things…

ADAM
I get it! I get it!

JOHN
They look at the ground, they shuffle their feet, they mumble, they slump their
shoulders, they won’t make eye contact - and they wonder why women aren’t attracted
to them! And so yes, your posture is really important.
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Now, you don’t want to carry this too far: if you look at those big, puffed-up
bodybuilders that stick their arms out bigger than their chest, it is like, “You know,
you’re a poser dude!” It is, you know, don’t try to be someone that you are not. Just
have a relaxed, strong, confident walk; look a woman right in the eye - women love that
stuff - your head back, chest forward, in a natural manner; and walk with a confident
gait / a stride if that is you.
You know a lot of times what is really interesting is that, yes, I still walk with a very
confident stride; and women come up to me and they say, “Yeah, I saw you come into
the room with that cocky walk and I thought ‘Who does this guy think he is, walking
around like that? I just need to go talk to him and put him in his place!’” And I’m like,
“Well of course you do. And now you’re here. Right. Aha.”
You know, your posture and how you carry yourself is very important. And when you
start carrying yourself like that - you know, we know it is a physiological thing - but
you will start feeling better inside. I mean, just from carrying yourself. And so if you
are a guy that is feeling low and slumping your shoulders and looking at the ground, I
mean, you know, look straight forward, man! You know, walk confidently. Pull your
shoulders back, your head held high; stick out your chest and stride like a man. Don’t
be a poser - but like a man. All of a sudden you will start feeling a lot better. It is just
amazing what one physiological difference makes. And it makes all the difference to
women.

ADAM
How does the - when you talk about this kind of physical stride can be taken as cocky -
there is a leavening factor which is humor: being light, not being knocked over by
something; taking something that comes not just with toughness but with the kind of
lightness that it doesn’t bother you. So let’s talk about humor in authority there.

JOHN
Yes, it is a really important fact because it… the thing that I do with women is I have
got this almost overblown character, this gigantic ego that is so big you can’t possibly
take it seriously. The guy who does this best, by the way, is Gene Simmons; and if you
watch his “Family Jewels”, he is so overblown that, you know, the woman he is with
can’t possibly take him seriously! So she is always giving him a bunch of shit one way
or another, and he is always, you know, laughing it off or putting it down. And women
love that type of stuff!
And so when I am talking to a woman it is like, “Yeah, it’s nice to meet me, isn’t it?”
you know, “It really is your lucky day, meeting a guy like me - that rarely happens you
know; I am the King!” And they will laugh at it and what they will try and do is they
will try and put you in your place. Because they get it that you don’t take yourself too
seriously; you can’t possibly take yourself too seriously with this overblown ego like
that - especially if you have the facial expressions right. You know, you have got the
what I call the “Naughty boy smile”, you are laughing; whenever she says something,
you know, just trying to cut you down it may be like, “Oh yeah, you might be right a
little bit there! But, you know, come on now!”
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So there is this dynamic that goes back and forth. But humor is the one thing that
spreads through that dynamic. She knows you are so overblown that, you know, you
can’t possibly take yourself seriously; that you have a sense of humor; that you can
laugh at yourself, that you can relax - and she can say things that she wouldn’t say to
other guys.
Because I know women that come up and say all kinds of things about me. It is like,
“Hey, a short balding guy like you shouldn’t have such a big attitude!” And I’m like,
“Yes, well, you know, I was kind of blessed in other areas so I make up for it, you
know.” And so they will laugh about that. Because there are a lot of guys that they
won’t say that to you because, you know, if they are talking to a guy that doesn’t have
the authority thing right, he will be like, “Why are you calling me short?” or “Why are
you saying I’m balding? What’s the matter with you? Don’t you have any respect for
me?” And she is like, “Whatever, dude.”
And so it shows you have the ability to laugh at yourself, to laugh with her, to laugh in
any situation - and there is nothing that fazes you. And so this easygoing sense of
humor, this easygoing sense of confidence, is extremely important. It is also extremely
rare. And so when you, as a man, kind of adopt this, women gravitate it like moths to a
flame, because it is like a narcotic to them; they are so hungry for it because so few
guys have it in this day and age.

ADAM
Let me take a step back for a second. We are talking only about women - but a sense of
authority in your own life, really being a master in your own life, comes with all your
interactions.

JOHN
Of course.

ADAM
And there was a time, just about eight years ago, when I really started getting deep into
personal development, and I heard this expression that “You are the average of the five
people you hang out with most” - you know, whether it is income or attitude or… And
I looked around at people in my life and I was able to suddenly identify, “You know
what? This guy does not make me feel good.” I realized that every time I’d talk to him,
and something cool was happening in my life - dating or whatever else - he would
always find a way to try to put it down.
And I started cutting those people out of my life. And I will use the term “loving
boundaries” again. I set boundaries with men in my life as well. If someone talks to
me, if a friend of mine talks to me in that way, I will say, “You know, this is not really
an okay way for you to talk to me and I don’t want you to use that language with me,
you know? It sounds like an order and I don’t want to have that between us.”
And I am very direct about it. I don’t overreact. But I set boundaries all the time. I
think part of that comes from being a father, where early on, I mean early on, I would
say to my kids, when we would see how other kids would talk to their parents, and
 12

instead of me saying to them, “Don’t you ever talk to me like that”, I would say, “You
know, how a person treats their parents is how they are going to be treating people out
in the world. So you are going to practice at home talking with respect, and so that
when you go out to the world you treat people with respect. And you watch what
happens to those kids when they go out in the world.” And sure enough, they saw what
happened to those kids: one of them is in jail right now - and they are not doing so well.
So I am used to setting boundaries. What would you say about setting boundaries with
men, so that you can really maintain your inner sense of authority?

JOHN
Well, I mean look, it is a really, really good point. I mean, first off the idea of designing
and creating the environment around you is really important. And I do absolutely the
same thing that you do; I mean, I have got a few close friends and a few people I hang
out with, but there is not a lot of people that, you know, I necessarily let get real close to
me until I know them really well; and the instant that I find out that they have an
attitude or a belief or something like that that is not concurrent with mine, then, you
know, I gradually remove them from my life and just don’t interact with them.
So I am very, very careful about who I surround myself with: likeminded people that
have the same values, beliefs and, you know, desires that I have. And so, yes, I
certainly do that with men.
But the point that you make up, too, about setting boundaries with other guys is a really
important one, because when you do that, what that does is it positions you as the
leader. And a lot of guys are not very comfortable with that. And I actually got a lot of
that from my time in the Navy; it was, you know, leading a bunch of guys with big
egos, that are very competent, that are very skilled; and that are looking for one chink in
your armor and they are going to take you down.

ADAM
Yes!

JOHN
But if you are a guy that doesn’t put up with that, and you have got an easygoing sense
of humor and you are like, “I know what you’re up to. You’re not going to pull that
stuff with me. Go and talk to Lieutenant so-and-so - he can do that.” then it is a really
different deal, and they really start to respect you. And those are the guys that, you
know, will follow you into battle; will follow you into the most adverse conditions.
And women can sense that. They sense that when you take the stage, that you are a
leader; you are a leader of men. And that is one of the most attractive things that you
can do.
I used to do something that is really interesting: when I was back in school, I wore a
uniform, but I would go sit in front of a class of civilians; I would go stand in front and
just cross my arms and just look out at all of them with kind of a grin on my face; but
like, “hey, I’m the man here that is in charge.” And these were civilians, these weren’t
 13

military people - they didn’t give a crap what uniform I wore or what I had on my collar
- and all of a sudden, it was the damnedest thing: they would calm down, they would sit
down, they would turn around and they would look at me. And then I would sit down.
And it was just because you projected that image that you are the guy that is in charge;
and most people are looking for people to be in charge. And if you do that, not only
will guys fall into line, but women will look to you as, “Okay, this is that rare man that
has that rare leadership quality that I want to be with.”
And a lot of times it is just declaring yourself the leader and going from there. I mean,
people want to follow. And if you give them something to follow, oftentimes they will.

ADAM
And let’s just break that down for a second. The way that you said you crossed your
arms - which is a bit of a closed gesture - and you held your body still. What else, what
other elements sort of made you magnetic at that moment?

JOHN
Standing… I mean, obviously shoulders back, chest forward, looking at everyone with
kind of a look of expectation on my face that says “Sit down and shut up”; you know,
not a jerky look but just kind of just an expectation, a projection that, “Hey, it’s time -
your social hour is over, it is time to sit down and shut up and get to work!” Even
though I wasn’t the guy leading the class - I wasn’t anyone from anyone. And they
would do that.
An old Marine Colonel told me something once - Colonel Smith, a real guns and
missiles guy - he had a saying, he said, “Look….” (Because in the military they call it
“command presence”) he said, “You know you have command presence when you can
go to a base, where no-one knows who you are, step in the shower, and people call you
‘Sir’. That’s when you know you’ve got it!”
And I always kind of kept that in the back of my mind; that it really has to do with the
way that you carry yourself and what you project. It is just an expectation that other
people will follow you. Because when men and women sense that strong expectation, it
is a sense of comfort to them, to say, “Okay, everything is going to be alright - he’s
here, he is going to take care of it.” And so it is that strong expectation that kind of
fosters that, in addition to some of the body language. But you have got to be projecting
that.

ADAM
So the point of stepping into the shower is not the point of what is on your body - it is
the fact that you don’t… it is what is NOT on your body.

JOHN
Right. What you are saying is that you are going into a group shower, with a group of
guys; the only thing you have got is a towel around you - nobody knows who you are;
they have never heard of you or seen you before - but they call you “Sir”.
 14

ADAM
What you don’t want is them to call you “M’am”! But that’s another subject!

JOHN
There’s another type of authority there!

ADAM
So let me ask you another question though. That covers sort of natural bearing
authority. What about what you put on your body? How does that affect authority?
Certainly we are all familiar with the “peacocking notion”; but way beyond the
“peacocking” notion, of standing out, if you really take it at its best, where is something
about you that shows that you have the confidence to be different; what do you say
about what you actually put on your body, in terms of style, in terms of clothing,
adornment, anything like that?

JOHN
Well it’s a very good question because a lot of guys, they hear the whole “peacocking”
term, they think it means go dress in outlandish outfits and fuzzy fur hats, and wear a
bunch of silver rings and eight-inch-high boots and all of that stuff. And the truth of the
matter is this: if you are a guy who feels comfortable in all of that, and that is you - hey,
that’s great! But what you have got to do is, when it comes to dress, you have got to
find the thing that you are most comfortable in, that looks good on you. And it is
completely different for different guys. I mean, if I put on a fuzzy hat and walked
around, people would look at me and say, “What the heck is the matter with this guy?”
because they can feel the incongruence - I know I look like an idiot with that on my
head!
But I have met some guys that, “Hey! You know, in a weird way, that’s you dude!”

ADAM
Yes, it worked.

JOHN
Yes it works. And so you have to find what you are a hundred percent congruent with,
because if you don’t then women pick up on that incongruence and then say, “Wait a
second. This guy is just acting, he’s a poser; he is trying to be someone who he’s not. I
want a man who is a hundred percent congruent and confident in whom he is.”
So when it comes to the whole dressing thing, I mean the easiest thing in the world is
just go get a female friend who will go shopping with you and say, “Look, pick out
some clothes that you think are attractive on me; and I will try them on and I will see if
I feel comfortable in them and I think I look good in them.” And oftentimes you are
going to be AMAZED what you are going to find when you do that. And so you will
get a particular look that is right for you, and so when women see you they will go,
“Ooh you look attractive.”
 15

I mean, for me it is, you know, black slacks and shirts that accentuate my muscular
build. I am a short guy so, you know, I may have shoes that make me look a little bit
taller - but, you know, that is what I look like: kind of a casual, well-dressed guy. I
mean, I can’t do the Joe Namath thing with the fur coat! That worked for Joe Namath -
it wouldn’t work for me!
And so really that is what it is, is finding the clothes that women say you look good in
AND you feel comfortable with, so you are a hundred percent congruent when you are
talking to them.

ADAM
And it is nice to ask women for honest feedback, by the way.

JOHN
Yes.

ADAM
Because I found out that the things that I thought were really super cool were not super
cool!

JOHN
No, not really!

ADAM
So it’s good, you know, “Does this feel congruent on me? / Does this look good to you?
/ Is it attractive?” It is great to get some feedback from women who are friends. Don’t
be shy about it. They are great resources and they are free.
I want to ask you about another aspect of authority that you have written about - and I
agree with this one hundred percent - it is one of the aspects of being a King, really, of
your realm; which is that you are the one who bestows recognition on others.

JOHN
Yes. Oh boy, that’s a good one! Oh that is a good one! I have got a friend of mine (or
he was a friend - still an acquaintance. I will not mention his name) but he used to say
all the time - and he was a leisure buddy - he would say, “This guy didn’t give me credit
for this. He didn’t give me credit for this. He didn’t give me credit… credit, credit -
give me credit!” And it is like, “Dude, the leader bestows credit. He doesn’t take it.”
I mean, people want to get credit. But if you are truly a leader, truly a man of authority,
you don’t worry about credit because why do you need it? You know who you are.
You don’t need external validation, okay?
But a lot of other people, when you are in authority and you tell someone, “Hey, that’s a
really good job you did there. I like this, this and this”, they are like, “Oh!” - they feel
really good. And so, yes, you give credit to those, you know, around you; you give
credit to subordinates, you give credit to women. You don’t take it. The real leader
 16

bestows credit, bestows admiration on people. He never takes it. He never seeks it out
- because it is the quiet confidence they look for.
You don’t need any of that stuff because you need who you are inside. You don’t need
external validation. And so it is a very, very good point that a lot of people miss.

ADAM
Yes, it is truly one of the core teachings in everything I teach for men: which is to just
think of it in terms of putting energy outward and not drawing it inward to yourself.
The more you send it outward, the more natural authority you have; and the more you
try to grab attention for yourself, obviously the smaller you look.

JOHN
Yes.

ADAM
There is a great poem - I may have quoted it elsewhere in this Program - but I will say it
again (and by the way, if you can repeat this to women, they will love you for it; it is a
beautiful piece and it says a lot about masculinity) and it is ascribed to a Sufi poet but it
is not by him. And it is, “Even after all this time, the sun never says to the earth, ‘You
owe me.’ A love like that, it illuminates the entire sky.” Right?
So the sun is the masculine. Be the sun. You illuminate the world; you bestow light;
you bestow credit. And don’t go around saying “You owe me.” Any time you see a
man doing that, it obviously feels really small.

JOHN
Right.

ADAM
And then let’s play with this a second, in terms of bestowing credit on women. As a
man over thirty-five, especially dating younger women, something that is really fun is to
give them points. Now, I don’t know, we have never talked about this: do you have
flirtatious ways of bestowing credit?

JOHN
Oh yes! Oh boy!

ADAM
Because I do too!

JOHN
Especially on young women! It’s like, “Alright, you wore four-inch heels tonight - you
get a point for that! Okay, you look good. Now you’ve only got one point though; I
want to see what you can do to earn two points.” Oh yeah! They love to do that! I am
 17

like, “If you wear thigh-high high boots tonight you get two points. But if you don’t’
wear them well you only get a point-and-a-half”, say.

ADAM
Exactly!

JOHN
Oh they LOVE that!

ADAM
Now I have two stories about this - and one I have never told. The first story which I
will tell is - I will do it in online dating, when you are bantering and texting and so
on….

JOHN
Yes, especially in text messages, it works great.

ADAM
Yes, if they have a great funny comeback: “Oh! Well, you just went up in my esteem -
you get five points for that one!”

JOHN
Right, and you’ve got to bust them too. You’ve got to bust them: “Oh, that’s no good -
you lose a point!”

ADAM
Yes, you can’t be a pushover. Excellent! And often, to my amazement - in the
beginning I remember, when I first started doing this - to my amazement they would be
like, “Thank you!” and I am like, “Okay, it didn’t cost me anything! That’s fine!” You
know, it is not real for me, as a masculine; but for them it was wonderful.
The other story, which kind of blew my mind, is with actually probably some mutual
friends of ours. We were in Las Vegas, which is not a place I go and party often but it
was a birthday of a friend; and anyway, for fun we made up a story that he was going to
photograph mountain gorillas in Rwanda for six months and she was the last woman he
was going to see for six months. Okay, so then it got really fun: we invented up a sheet
of paper that would give points for everything a girl would do - in a club. So it is a club
setting, it is a fun setting. And they would get, you know, 1 point for hugging him; they
would get 10 points for kissing him on the cheek. They would get 50 points for
showing him a tattoo that you can’t see, you know, on the outer… right? They would
get - oh God, it got worse! - it got all the way up to a lap dance, right? So they got like
1,000 points for a lap dance.
And we would bring girls over to the table and they would look at it - and I can tell you,
to my ASTONISHMENT we got lap-danced by these girls - and when I say “lap-
 18

danced” I don’t want to go into too much detail, but this was out on the dance floor and
it was as close to sex as anyone could possibly want! I mean, crazy skin-on-skin stuff
with BEAUTIFUL young girls - all in a celebration of fun.
Now, it astonished me what they would do for points. So the moral of the story is
“Give points!” It was really fun. So that is a really fun playful setting, obviously, to do
that.

JOHN
Right. If you remember, you may have read the book “The Dirt”, you know, about
Motley Crue, written by Neil Strauss who also wrote “The Game” - most people know
who he is…

ADAM
Sure.

JOHN
What he talks about in there is that the band, they got so many girls after them that
really what happened was they got to the point where they just wanted to see what they
could get them to do. It is like, “No, I’m not going to play with you unless you can do
this / unless you can do this / unless you can do this.” And they are doing all this crazy
stuff: “I can do it better than she can!” “I can do it better!” Women love the whole
points deal. It is unbelievable how that works - especially the young ones.

ADAM
Yes. So there is the lesson of the day on that one! Let’s see, what else can we talk
about? I want to talk more about ways that men can absorb and embody - “embody”
really is the key word - and going back to… I really liked “loving boundaries” because
ultimately - we are talking about points, and it is flirtation and it is fun - but ultimately
what you want to do is create loving boundaries for the women that you care about, as
you get out of that initial flirtation phase.
Where do you recommend men go - you know, there are guys here listening who live
way out in North Dakota or in other countries - where can men go to find great
examples of personal authority, in your view?

JOHN
Well, I mean look, I am a big fan of older movies that were made in like the Forties,
Fifties and Sixties, before things started going sideways in the mid to late Seventies.
And so I love the old Humphrey Bogart movies (by the way, those are older men,
younger women if you watch those movies; I am thinking “Casablanca”, Bogart is 37
years’ old and, you know the woman, the star of the movie…”

ADAM
Ingrid Bergman.
 19

JOHN
Yes she was the star of the movie.

ADAM
Seventeen years old! Not many people know that. Ingrid Bergman was seventeen.

JOHN
Yes, and if you look, it is obvious the interaction. My other favorite movie for this is
the original “Pink Panther” with Peter Sellers and David Niven that came out in the
Sixties. People think that Peter Sellers was the star of that movie. That is not true. It is
David Niven - and he plays an older gentleman who has got the reputation as a playboy,
who interacts with this spoilt princess, who is like, “Yeah, I know your reputation - you
are not going to get me. You are trying to get me drunk.” And this and that. And
seeing the interaction between them, and the bratty things that she tries to pull, and how
he deals with that stuff - and of course eventually sleeps with her - is like the most
perfect example that you could ever see of that stuff.
And so what I tell guys is “Just go and get a bunch of old movies from that era and
watch the interplay between the older men and the younger women in there.” It is
unbelievable how that is. And when you show women from this day and age those
movies, they are like, “Oh my God! I want a man like that! Why can’t I get a man like
that?”
And so, you know, especially a guy like Humphrey Bogart - David Niven is like the
perfect one - and several others; you will get it after you watch several of those in a row.

ADAM
What are the qualities of Humphrey Bogart that speak to you?

JOHN
You know, he is… in the movie he is a real guy; you know, he is running a bar, he has
had... he has been beat-up in his life; he has a very strong sense of authority; he carries
himself well - but you can tell, he is still really passionate about the woman that he had
in his life. And so it is still a romance novel character: he is a strong guy, but deep
inside him you can tell that he has churning, whirling emotions that are caused by this
woman. And that is what makes him so attractive to women: it is the strong guy but he
has got all the emotions inside.

ADAM
Yes, the open heart. And he also has a moral code.

JOHN
Yes, absolutely. Yes, absolutely. And that is an important thing, because in this day
and age a lot of guys, that is kind of a lost national value, is, you know, one thing we
had in the Navy was so-called “core values.” And I always maintain those. And when
 20

you have your own personal moral code; when you have core values that you stick to
not matter what, it is very attractive to women - because most guys will violate what
they say they stand for in a hot second.

ADAM
That’s true. And I will add something to that in terms of business: something I assert to
this year is I have a very strong code, that is printed on my blog, Attract, Connect,
Inspire, about what we stand for and what we won’t stand for - so that people are very
clear that what we are teaching in terms of attraction, both for men and women,
supports positive interaction and does not support in any way demeaning.
You know, there is a lot of shit floating around in pickup and seduction. And by having
that core statement, it is very easy for us to say to people, “No, we won’t run your
Program because we find it ultimately really demeaning.” And that establishes your
authority, by saying really what is okay with you, what is not - and sticking with it. So
in your business life as well.
By the way, I want to point out, there is a great movie - speaking of Humphrey Bogart -
“Play It Again, Sam”. Have you seen it?

JOHN
No, I haven’t seen that. I guess - is it based along the line in “Casablanca”? I imagine.

ADAM
Yes. It is Woody Allen and he is interacting with Humphrey Bogart (an actor playing
Humphrey Bogart) from that movie.

JOHN
Oh my God!

ADAM
Who gets him through his life. He is kind of his moral “touch-point.” Definitely go get
that - it’s hilarious. It is about a guy who actually uses Humphrey Bogart to help him
through.

JOHN
That’s hilarious.

ADAM
All right, we have covered a hell of a lot of ground here! But I want to know if there is
anything else you wanted to get across, that people could do today to really start
building up their embodied sense of personal authority - so not only in their minds but
in their bodies, how they carry themselves. Any other tips you have?
 21

JOHN
Yes, I mean look, there are a couple of things about that. First off, simple awareness of
this actually makes a really big difference.

ADAM
Yes.

JOHN
Because guys are like, “Oh! I have been acting this way when I should have been acting
this way! Okay!” And so now that you are aware of it, just kind of start acting that
way: pull your head back, put your chest forward; walk in an easygoing manner. If you
see a woman, smile at her - and that is it - just to get her to smile back; with this sense
of, “Hey, I’m a man. I’m acknowledging you from my desires as a man - and I think
you’re attractive.”
And just start there, with that real easy stuff, and each day just let it grow a little more, a
little more, a little more - and then all of a sudden you are going to find it! But that
really is, you know, the best way to start off; something a guy can start doing right now.
And you will start seeing immediate results with it because most men have no clue
about this; they are actually the opposite of it - and when a woman even gets a hint of it,
a flash of it, it is like, “Oh my God! I just heard / smelled / sensed something that I
didn’t know I was missing - but here it is and now I know I was missing it!”
And so that is just what I would encourage guys to do: just be aware of it and just start
doing the simplest thing that you can today, right now, and you will start seeing an
amazing difference.

ADAM
John, this is fantastic. I want to thank you. I have learned a lot today and I really enjoy
your practical nature - maybe it is your military background. But I want to thank you
for taking time.
What I want to do is I know you have done a Program on how to cultivate personal
authority; we are going to put it up on the ACI Life Store (so http://ACILife.com/Store)
Go there and we will have it under “personal authority” and we will also have it under
your name. Should we use “John Alanis” or do you want to talk about the system, or is
there some other word you like to be identified by?

JOHN
No, use “John Alanis”. You could put “Women approach you” there / “Secrets of
personal authority.” But you know, what I would mention about the Program is it really
is a very kind of practical Program, a step-by-step guide on how to start from, if you
feel you have no personal authority whatsoever, to step-by-step build this strong sense
of personal authority, implement it, get women into your life. And if you go through
the course and you pay attention to what I say, then soon enough you will be a guy
walking around with it. And so it is very simple, it is fun to learn; this isn’t something
 22

that is going to take you three years to do; this isn’t something that is difficult. It is
something that is a lot of fun!
So I would highly encourage you to go to the Web Store, to take action and invest in it,
and just follow the step-by-step system. And soon enough you will have really almost
an unfair advantage over other men, you know, in every walk of life - not just with
women.

ADAM
It is a great Program. By the way, it is audio and it is a book - so however you like to
absorb it. Totally recommend it. Please check out http://ACILife.com/store and look
for “John Alanis”. Is that how you say it? Because I was saying “Alanis”.

JOHN
Yes, there is like an “o” in the middle - “Alanis”.

ADAM
Okay. And I will also have the words “personal authority” there. You will see it.
Highly recommended. John, thank you for taking time out on a Friday afternoon to
“bring light to the men!”

JOHN
Hey, my pleasure Adam! Thanks for having me.

ADAM
I will talk to you very soon my friend.

JOHN
Okay.