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A Guide to the Science of Giving Freely, Feel

Fulfilled

12-16 minutes

by Rafael Sarandeses
May 07, 2018

from BetterHumans Website

Spanish version
Two of my favorite teachers ever
© Rafael Sarandeses

Last weekend we went out to enjoy Madrid's gorgeous

weather in the park.

My three-year-old son Rafa started playing with a new

truck. The kind of toy with all the moving parts, lights and
colors that can make a kid go mad at that age.

At some point, another kid roughly his age approaches him

and says:

"Hi, can I play with your truck?"

I braced for the classic in-your-face "No. It's mine" of my

three-year-old, and got ready for the awkward smile
exchange with the other kid's parent.

But instead, my son replied:

"Yes, here you are."

I could not believe my eyes.

The other kid, grateful and somewhat surprised, responded

with,

"Thank you! Would you like to play with me?"

And so they went to enjoy each other's toys in the sand. It

was such a small moment, but it reminded me of the
importance of giving and how it helps us lead more fulfilled
lives.
I've learned a lot about the science of sharing over the
years and today, I'd like to share that knowledge with you.

The Abundance vs. The Scarcity Mindset

"The greatest discovery of my generation

is that a human being can alter his life

by altering his attitudes of mind."

William James

My son had unknowingly chosen to believe in a paradigm

of abundance.

This concept became popular thanks to Steven Covey and

his best-selling book "7 Habits of Highly Effective People."

The paradigm of scarcity is one in which you consider life

to be one big pie. A global zero-sum game. If someone
takes a piece, then there is less pie for everybody else. Your
gain is my loss.

People in this mindset are defensive... Worried about

protecting what they have more than they are willing to
grow out of their self-imposed boundaries to achieve more.

People living in an abundance mindset believe, instead, that

there is enough out there for everybody. That a partnership
may be better than going solo.

That taking care of stakeholders matter.

That decision making, profits and good ideas are worth

sharing to build something bigger than themselves.

Abundance Is Practical

Embracing a giving mentality in life is not only the right

thing from a moral perspective.

From a much more practical point of view, it has a

phenomenal impact on our psychological well-being and
can be a core driver of our success in life.

Let's explore why this is the case...

Our Brains are Wired to Give…

"Suppose you could be hooked up

to a hypothetical 'experience machine'

that, for the rest of your life, would stimulate your brain

and give you any positive feelings you desire.

Most people to whom I offer this imaginary choice

refuse the machine.

It is not just positive feelings we want:

we want to be entitled to our positive feelings."

Dr. Martin Seligman

In 2014, a study led by neuroscientist Molly J. Crocket

shed light on how much humans care about others relative
to themselves.

The results were surprising.

They showed that, on average, people were willing to pay

twice as much money to prevent someone else receiving an
electric shock than the amount of money they would pay to
prevent receiving the same amount of shock themselves.

At first, the conclusions seem puzzling.

How does this fit with our survival bias, our innate sense of
self-protection in the face of danger? A little experiment
may help us understand this apparent contradiction.

In the next few days, do the following two things:

1. Something fun

2. Something altruistic

Plan both events and write about how you think doing
those two different acts will make you feel.

Then, immediately after completing the two activities, write

down how you actually feel. At the end of the day, write
down how you feel again, long after both events happened.

More likely than not, the high of doing something fun will
last for a little bit and then fade away. It is a satisfaction
that consumes itself shortly after the activity ends.

If you go to the cinema and you enjoyed the movie, you will
feel good after leaving the premises, but you won't carry
that feeling much longer after that.

However, if you perform a random act of kindness the

feeling-good effect will endure for hours after the event
happened. Try helping a little boy with their homework, or
listening to someone in need. Or donating to a cause you
truly believe in.

The positive feelings stemming from the altruistic act will

last for a long time after the event happened.

…And Positive Psychology Knows Why

Positive psychology is the field behind the scientific theory

of happiness.

Not so long ago, psychology focused only on helping

troubled minds go back to a healthy state:

Patients suffering from depression and other mental

disorders.

It sought to bring these patients back from "-10 to 0" on the

well-being scale.

Positive psychology, on the other hand, looks to answer the

question,

"what can make a healthy mind thrive?"

It looks scientifically into how we can go from "0 to +10" on

the well-being scale.

The father of positive psychology is Dr. Martin Seligman,

author of books like "Authentic Happiness" and "Learned
Optimism" and the founder of the Positive Psychology
Center at the University of Pennsylvania.

After years of research, he came up with 5 core pillars that

act as the infrastructure to our psychological well-being
and happiness.

It is called the PERMA model:

 P for Positive Emotion: feeling good, optimism,
pleasure and enjoyment.

E for Engagement: doing fulfilling work, having

exciting hobbies, immersing oneself in a sense of
"flow".

R for Relationships: deep social connections, love,

intimacy, emotional and physical interaction with
others.

M for Meaning: having a purpose in life.

A for Accomplishment: setting and pursuing goals,

realizing your ambition, living with a sense of
achievement.

You can experience all of these in a single act of giving,

whether it's sharing a meal with a friend or donating a large
sum to a good cause.

Why Giving Fulfills Us

Giving adds to our lives in many different ways, but is also

exactly in line with the PERMA model.

When we give, we generate positive emotions.

This, among other things, triggers a physical reaction:

the release of dopamine.

This hormone is secreted by the brain and regulates

pleasure. It also helps us create habits by stimulating
the repetition of the activity that brought us pleasure
in the first place, over and over again.

Giving also helps us make our relationships more

engaging.
 It enhances the quality of our interactions with others.

To receive the appreciation of someone we have just

helped is not only rewarding at an individual level, but
also a powerful way to cement our social bond with
that person.

However, giving goes well beyond facilitating positive

emotions or better interactions with others.

It can become a profound driver of our success in life, by

contributing directly to the meaning and accomplishment
components of the PERMA model.

Giving As Purpose

In "Grit - The Power of Passion and Perseverance" by Penn's

psychologist Angela Duckworth, I learned about Kat Cole.

Cole started her career waitressing at Hooters while

finishing her high school. She later rose up to become vice
president of the company at age 26.

Today, Kat Cole is Group President of Focus Brands, an

investor, humanitarian and advisor.

Here's her attitude on giving:

"By doing good for just one person, in just one moment,
you can affect the trajectory of many things, of many
lives, all over the world.

Even if in some situations it's not easy to be kind,

gracious or positive, keep in mind it's not just that
moment that you are affecting, it's many moments into
the future."

She differentiates between productive achievers and

destructive achievers.

As per her own description in a recent interview:

"There are a lot of people who have been incredibly

successful by the typical person's definition, financially or
in terms of career acceleration, but have done it
destructively, by not lifting others up and bringing them
along.

Then there are those who have been productive

achievers, who have also brought others along with them
and made a difference."

For Cole, her giving attitude implied raising others and

bringing them along in her path towards growth.

A deep sense of purpose, rooted on an abundance

mentality, had a significant impact on her professional
success.

Giving And Happiness - My Experience

As a father, I pay close attention to the way my two children

interact between them, and how they do so with others.

I am curious about the motivations behind their daily

choices. About their why... My son's instinctive reaction in
the park reminded me of my shift towards a more giving
stance.

Over the past two years, I have discovered that my sense of

purpose is increasingly linked to people, and less with
money and the definition of "success" by current social
standards.

Two factors contributed to shaping this:

 1. The Impact Investing activity that my firm leads in
East and Southern Africa.

2. My interest in the development of human potential

and well-being, and my personal ambition to help
people become better versions of themselves.

The two ways above are two expressions of the same

mindset.

Believing in abundance  -  without giving ourselves

mindlessly nor denying our ambitions in the process  -  can
lead us on a path towards personal well-being and success
in life.

Happiness has to be earned. It cannot be chased. It cannot

be manufactured. Happiness is about the consistency of
our daily actions with our principles. The way we respond
to the daily demands of life.

In that context, a virtuous circle of gratitude and giving  -  as

proven by positive psychology, the science of happiness  -  
becomes a critical element of a fulfilling life.

Conclusion

To summarize, life is not a zero-sum game.

An abundance mindset is both possible and practical.

Science has shown our brains are wired to give because
they prolong positive emotions from such interactions.

Positive Psychology confirms this and gives us a model we

can use to become productive achievers:

PERMA.

And how did that day in the park with my three-year-old son
end?

Ah, yes! Well, at some point we decided to leave. It was

already lunch time. As we were leaving the park, the other
kid my run out towards us and stopped my son.

He then asked:

"What is your name? Will you be coming back tomorrow?"

I guess on that day, giving created a new friendship...