After Happily Ever After PDF

AFTER HAPPILY
EVER AFTER
By
Amanda Burris, Julia Grover,
and Lauren Ohler
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AFTER HAPPILY EVER AFTER
By Amanda Burris, Julia Grove, and Lauren Ohler
Copyright © MMXIV by Amanda Burris, Julia Grove, and Lauren Ohler, All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-61588-330-1
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2 AFTER HAPPILY EVER AFTER
AFTER HAPPILY EVER AFTER

By Amanda Burris, Julia Grove, and Lauren Ohler
SYNOPSIS: What happens after the oh-so-brave prince slays the dragon,
swash-buckles his way into the castle, saves the damsel-in-distress and lives
happily ever after? Prince Charming gets kidnapped! With the kingdom in
panic, the dimwitted Squire Squdge is determined to find Prince Charming to
prove his knightliness to the kingdom. With the help of Lulu, the unhygienic
and less-than-ladylike town wench, the ever eager duo team up to interrogate
the notorious villains of the kingdom: Nork the Ogre, Rumpel, the Wicked
Witch and her two daughters. But even after the interrogations, Squdge and
Lulu are no closer to finding Mr. Charming. After the unlikely (and very
lucky) discovery of Prince Charming, the ultimate fight breaks out between
our not-so-classic heroes and our timeless villains. Featuring an angry mob
in search of a witch and an on-going bet between our Storyteller, the story’s
Fiend, and Rumpel, only the cast of After Happily Ever After can make this
new take so dazzling!
CAST OF CHARACTERS
(9 females, 4 males, 12-14 either, extras; gender flexible, doubling possible)
STORYTELLER (f) .......................................... (68 lines)

FIEND (f/m)...................................................... (73 lines)
SQUDGE (m).................................................... (134 lines)
PRINCE CHARMING (m) ............................... (45 lines)
SLEEPING BEAUTY (f).................................. (25 lines)
SNOW WHITE (f) ............................................ (31 lines)
CINDERELLA (f) ............................................ (50 lines)
LULU (f) ........................................................... (78 lines)
NORK (m) ........................................................ An ogre. (32 lines)
WICKY (f) ........................................................ Mother witch. (46 lines)
MUFFY (f) ........................................................ A witch. (43 lines)
BUFFY (f)......................................................... A witch. (39 lines)
RUMPEL (m).................................................... (26 lines)
DR. SIGMUND FRAUD (f/m) ......................... A psychotherapist. (6 lines)
MILLY (f) ......................................................... The Miller’s daughter.
(2 lines)
Heuer grants Stagefright photocopy rights for 1 copy.
No performance rights are conveyed. Upon royalty purchase you will be sent a Performance Rights Agreement.
2
AMANDA BURRIS, JULIA GROVE, AND LAUREN OHLER 3
BOY [OR GIRL] WITH DOUGHNUT (f/m) ... (2 lines)

DANCING GIRL [OR BOY] (f/m) .................. (4 lines)
PRISONER (f/m) .............................................. (2 lines)
MOB MEMBER 1 (f/m) ................................... (4 lines)
DWARVES (f/m):
SWEETUMS ............................................... (3 lines)
TWITCH ..................................................... (2 lines)
SPARE ........................................................ Non-speaking role.
PYRO .......................................................... (3 lines)
MEMMIE .................................................... (2 lines)
WEE ............................................................ (2 lines)
BUDDY....................................................... (5 lines)
EXTRAS (f/m):
MOB, ANIMALS, TOWNSPEOPLE
DOUBLING:
Any of the MOB MEMBERS could double as BOY [OR GIRL] WITH
DOUGHNUT and DANCING GIRL.
ALL LINE COUNTS ARE APPROXIMATE
SYNOPSIS OF SCENES
ACT ONE
SCENE 1: THE BET
(Storyteller, Fiend, Boy [or Girl] with Doughnut, Dancing Girl, Rumpel,
Prince Charming)
SCENE 2: PRINCESS INTRODUCTIONS
(Storyteller, Prince Charming Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Fiend,
Cinderella, Squdge, Animals, Mob)
SCENE 3: PRINCE GOES MISSING
(Storyteller, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Fiend, Cinderella, Prince
Charming, Townspeople, Coffee Boy, Squdge, Wicky, Muffy, Buffy)

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ACT TWO
SCENE 1: SQUDGE THE HERO
(Squdge, Fiend, Lady 1, Lady 2, Lady 3)
SCENE 2: THE IDIOT WENCH AND SQUDGE TEAM UP
(Squdge Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, LuLu, Fiend)
SCENE 3: PRINCESSES ARE INTERVIEWED
(Squdge, LuLu, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Dwarves, Cinderella)
SCENE 4: NORK THE OGRE
(Squdge, LuLu, Nork, Storyteller)
SCENE 5: RUMPELSTILTSKIN
(Milly, Cinderella, Rumpel, Squdge, LuLu, Fiend)
SCENE 6: WITCHY WOMEN
(LuLu, Squdge, Muffy, Buffy, Wicky, Prisoner)
INTERMISSION
ACT THREE
SCENE 1: BET UPDATE
(Fiend, Storyteller, Squdge, Mob, Mob Member 1)
SCENE 2: PRINCESS HOBBIES
(Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Dwarves)
SCENE 3: NOT-SO-WICKED GIRLS AND NORK’S SECRET
(Buffy, Muffy, Wicky, Prince Charming, Nork)
SCENE 4: THERAPY SESSION
(Fiend, Storyteller, Snow White, Fraud, Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella,
Mob)
SCENE 5: SQUDGE AND LULU SPLIT
(LuLu, Squdge, Nork, Prince Charming)
SCENE 6: VILLAINESS REVEALED
(LuLu, Nork, Cinderella, Squdge, Prince Charming, Wicky, Muffy, Buffy,
Fiend, Mob, Storyteller)
SCENE 7: WEDDING BANQUET
(All cast)

4
PROPS
ACT ONE, SCENE 1

Book
Doughnut
ACT ONE, SCENE 2

Apple
2 Sticks
Bucket and rag
Multiple mismatched shoes
1 Fancy shoe
Pitchforks
ACT ONE, SCENE 3

Glass for toast
Apple
Mug labeled “coffee”
ACT TWO, SCENE 1

Shoes
Cape (Fiend)
ACT TWO, SCENE 5

Spinning wheel
Silky fabric
Hay
Chair
Shiny shoe
ACT TWO, SCENE 6

Barrels
Chair
Spell book
Wands

5
ACT THREE, SCENE 1

Popcorn bags
Soda
ACT THREE, SCENE 2

Sewing kit
Pillow that says “To My Sweat Hart”
ACT THREE, SCENE 3

Shopping list
Basket
Well
Ladle
Bucket
Gag
Large sack
ACT THREE, SCENE 5

Gag
Breadcrumbs/food
ACT THREE, SCENE 6

Bush
Club
Gag/rope
Wand
Vile
Sword
ACT THREE, SCENE 7

Table and chairs
Mirror
Veil (LuLu)

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COSTUMES AND MAKE-UP
We encourage all companies performing this play to be creative; however,

please remember that this is a fairy tale and characters should dress as if they
walked straight out from the pages of a fairy tale and onto the stage. Though
some characters are more flexible with costumes, we encourage costumes
that fall into medieval era attire.
PRINCESSES: CINDERELLA, SNOW WHITE, AND SLEEPING

BEAUTY
All princesses should dress in flowing gowns. We recommend that each
princess wear different colors. For example, Cinderella would wear a yellow
gown while Sleeping Beauty would wear a pink gown.
LULU
Lulu should wear garments that imply that she is living on the street and
doesn’t practice good hygiene. A burlap sack with armholes and a head hole
is encouraged with the use of a brown long-sleeve shirt and brown leggings
underneath for comfort. Lulu can be barefoot. MAKEUP/HAIR: Lulu’s
character needs to have natural make-up with dirt-like appearance on her
exposed skin to show that she does not practice good hygiene. Her hair can
be teased messy and the use of twigs and/or straw in her hair is encouraged.
LULU (ACT THREE, SCENE 7)

Lulu is transformed for her wedding; companies may choose to use an actual
wedding dress for the scene or to have fun and change out her brown burlap
dress for a white burlap dress with lace. Companies may choose to change
her hair or keep it messy.
FIEND
Fiend should dress in red and black and have a cape.
RUMPEL
Rumpel should be dressed in fairy tale/medieval apparel.

7
WICKY
Since Wicky is a dark and evil sorceress, she should dress in a dark gown
and be equipped with a wand. Her hair should be teased and her make-up
should be dark.
BUFFY AND MUFFY

For their evil looks, the ladies should be in dark gown, wands, teased hair
and dark make-up. Once they turn into fairy godmothers, they should wear
pastel-colored gowns with a lot of sparkle, glitter, rhinestones, etc. Their
make-up for this act and the rest of the play should be brighter.
PRINCE CHARMING
Since Prince Charming is royalty, his medieval era attire should indicate that
he comes from wealth. We encourage the use of purples and gold for his
costume.
SQUIRE SQUDGE
Squdge should be in medieval era attire (whether that be a tunic or a vest
with a peasant shirt). Please keep this costume in neutral and earth-toned
colors.
STORYTELLER
Storyteller should be wearing a medieval era gown.
DWARFS, MOB, TOWNSPEOPLE, AND OTHER ROLES

All of these roles should dress in simple medieval attire. Members of the
mob can be accessorized with pitchforks and torches. Townspeople can be
accessorized with baskets when they are in the townsquare.
PRODUCTION HISTORY
After Happily Ever After had its world premiere at Tidioute Community
Charter School, Tidioute, PA in 2009.

8
ACT ONE, SCENE 1

THE BET
SETTING: Town square.

AT RISE: STORYTELLER enters alone stage right.
STORYTELLER: (Enters and stands stage right with a book in hand.

Clears throat and opens the book. Every time there’s a pause,
STORYTELLER looks up as if she’s talking to a fairytale god.) No
I’m not starting with that! (Pause.) Because that’s how it always
starts! (Pause.) Yeah you say “Once upon a time,” and something
tragic happens to some beautiful, but dim-witted girl, then a
handsome but even more dimwitted guy has to rescue her, and
then it’s happily ever after. (Pause.) Because we’re not doing that
here! (Now speaking to audience.) We’re talking about what
happens after the happily ever after, getting into the real nitty-gritty
of the storybook characters’ lives. Kind of like the E! True
Hollywood Story, but with less plastic surgery and divorce. Not that
we won’t have some scandals, mind you. Deceit, betrayal,
kidnapping, mistaken identity…
FIEND: (Entering from stage left.) ––and EVIL!!!
STORYTELLER: Here we go.
FIEND: You can’t tell the behind the scene stories of these fairytale
freaks without me. These people would sell their souls for a
doughnut!
BOY [OR GIRL] WITH DOUGHNUT: (Pops out onto stage from
stage right with a half-eaten doughnut in hand.) It’s true. It’s stale,
too.
FIEND: Yeah, well so is your soul.
BOY WITH DONUT exits.
STORYTELLER: Anyway, welcome to the vacation village of the

fairytale characters. Where we unwind and relax after our stories
come to an end. Where we’re free to be ourselves.
FIEND: Which isn’t always an improvement. Everybody gets stuck in
the same old storybook rut anyway.

9
STORYTELLER: That’s not true, we’re completely different from our

stories.
FIEND: Really? How about Red Riding Hood? Every day she packs
that picnic basket full of goodies and the Wolf ends up eating it
and her grandma, or grandpa, or aunt, or uncle! Wouldn’t you think
that at some point she would stop taking that short cut?
STORYTELLER: Okay, but she’s really not the best example.
FIEND: And have you hung out with Jack and Jill lately? They throw
themselves down that hill for fun; they can’t get enough of it.
STORYTELLER: Well, come on, when you take that many hits to the
head there’s bound to be some permanent damage at some point!
FIEND: Face it, you’re all predictable. There is no shocking behind-
the-scenes story because you’re exactly the same behind the
scenes as you are in front of it…sweet as can be but boring. I can
tell you how the story ends before it even begins.
STORYTELLER: Care to bet on that?
FIEND: Bet?
STORYTELLER: Yeah, you tell us how this story is going to go and,
if you’re right, you win my eternal soul. But if you’re wrong…
well… I’m sure I’ll think of something.
FIEND: I’ve never lost a bet, so that’s not even a consideration.
Okay, so here’s what’s going to happen. There’s going to be a
beautiful young woman who gets harmed in some way by the
villain of the story. Then, the handsome, noble hero will ride in to
save the day, rescue her, and they will fall in love. Good guys all
win, bad guys all lose and… they all live happily ever after.
STORYTELLER: You’re sure that’s what you want to go with? It’s
not too late to back out. I don’t want to hear you crying that you
were cheated when you lose.
FIEND: (Considers it for a moment then shrugs.) Nah, I’m good. This
is going to be fun. Speaking of fun…
DANCING GIRL enters stage right twirling and dancing with an

imaginary partner; continues to stumble as she dances.

10
DANCING GIRL: Poor me! I really want to go to the ball, but I have
two left feet and can’t dance at all. If only there was some kind of
notorious villain about, with which I could make some sort of ill-
advised deal with that will surely come back and haunt me.
FIEND: (To STORYTELLER.) Business calls.
STORYTELLER rolls eyes and exits stage left. FIEND turns to

DANCING GIRL.
Girl, have I got a pair of shoes for you!
RUMPELSTILTSKIN enters stage right.
RUMPEL: Yeah sure, go ahead and take her shoes, if you want your
feet to fall off.
FIEND: Stay out of this, Rumpelstiltskin. I told you to stay off of my
turf.
RUMPEL: Your turf? Well, aren’t you just the bees knees? The last
time I heard, this was a kingdom founded on capitalism. I think this
young lady deserves another option in cursed footwear.
FIEND: Bees knees? Who says that? Listen here you overgrown
lawn-gnome, nobody wants your stupid layaway plan.
DANCING GIRL: Layaway?
FIEND: Here it comes.
RUMPEL: Yes, unlike this sooty sleaze, my goods come with a one-
year warranty, which means your feet won’t burst into flames
(Glares at FIEND.)
FIEND: Hey, it’s not my fault if they don’t read the fine print!
RUMPEL: On my plan, you get the quality you expect right away.
FIEND: Yeah, and then if you can’t guess his name or shoe size or
mother’s astrological sign, you have to give him your first-born
baby! Seriously, a first born baby? Creep!
DANCING GIRL: First born baby? …But… Why?
FIEND: Yeah really, what do you do with them? Do you eat them?
Sell them? Use them as doorstops?
RUMPEL: It’s none of your concern, you nosey nuisance!
DANCING GIRL: You guys are weird. I’m out of here. (Dances away;
exits stage left.)
11
FIEND: Now look what you did! You ruined it for both of us. I’m sick
of you getting in my way, stubby.
RUMPEL: (Rolls up sleeves.) I think it’s time we had this out once
and for all!
FIEND: I think you’re right.
They both take stances to begin fighting. FIEND pulls back her fist to
punch RUMPEL, but instead of hitting him she smacks herself, falls,
and begins crying loudly to offstage.
Owww! Owww! Why are you hitting me?! I’m just an innocent
damsel being ill-treated!
RUMPEL: What are you doing?
PRINCE CHARMING rushes in from stage right.
PRINCE CHARMING: Damsel? Being ill-treated! (Storms towards

RUMPEL.) Explain yourself, sir!
RUMPEL: But she hit herself!
PRINCE CHARMING: Oh, yeah right. I completely believe that line of
horse crap. So you’re a villain, coward, and a liar!
RUMPEL: (Getting a bit insulted.) Now wait just a minute! (With
bated breath.) Villain, yes. Coward, yes. But I am NOT a liar! You
can’t talk to me…
PRINCE CHARMING: What are you gonna do? Hit me now?
RUMPEL: I just might…
PRINCE CHARMING: Is that a threat?
FIEND: (Looking as innocent as she can manage.) It was, it was, oh
chivalrous Prince! I think he needs to be taught a lesson.
RUMPEL: (To FIEND.) You set me up…
RUMPEL is then attacked by the PRINCE. On the ground, RUMPEL

tries to crawl away, but the PRINCE keeps pulling him back. Fight
ensues. PRINCE drags RUMPEL off stage right.
FIEND: That was too easy. (FIEND exits stage left.)

12
ACT ONE, SCENE 2

PRINCESS INTRODUCTIONS

AT RISE: STORYTELLER starts the scene alone on stage.
STORYTELLER: (Enters stage left.) Now that that’s done, welcome

to our quaint little village (Various characters enter from various
points and cross or loiter.) We are ruled over, of course, by Prince
Charming. King and Queen Charming are always out of town, and,
even though he does try to the best of his abilities, the Prince has
been more than a little damaged by the shoddy parenting.
PRINCE CHARMING enters stage left.
PRINCE CHARMING: …Scooped up his tears in my victory cup and

had myself a nice refreshing beverage.
PRINCE continues to walk off stage right.
STORYTELLER: (To audience.) He means well, but not the brightest

boy.
PRINCE can be seen in the background talking to others, doing

various stupid things and looking at himself in any reflection he can
find.
His sister was always an odd one too, come to think of it––
Princess Charming. She kind of disappeared a few years ago. Not
that any one really cared, not much call for a Princess Charming.
Besides we’re lousy with princesses to begin with. Oh look.
There’s Sleeping Beauty.
SLEEPING BEAUTY enters in a flurry.
SLEEPING BEAUTY: I’m so full of energy and it’s such a beautiful

day. There’s so much to do, I just don’t know where all the time
goes…
13
SLEEPING BEAUTY collapses like a sack of potatoes, fast asleep

downstage right.
STORYTELLER: Yeah, that “sleeping curse” is actually just a wicked

case of narcolepsy.
SLEEPING BEAUTY snores loudly.
STORYTELLER: Not nearly as cute in real life, is it? Enter princess

number two.
SNOW WHITE enters stage left and a ridiculously large line of

ANIMALS follows after.
STORYTELLER: …and entourage.

SNOW WHITE: Yes, yes you’re all very cute.
Animals cuddle up to her.
Oh my.
One animal scratches furiously behind its ear.
Oh! Do, do you have fleas? (Suddenly getting an idea, she picks
up a stick.) Here, you want to play? Ready? Go fetch!
SNOW WHITE pretends to throw the stick and the animals take off
stage left. While she is dealing with the animals, the DWARVES file
in behind her in a tight line.
SNOW WHITE: No it’s way out there. (Under her breath.) One
person can only take so much cute and cuddly. (Shouting off
stage.) No keep going! (Under her breath.) Finally! A little alone
time.
SNOW WHITE turns around and finds more animals directly behind
her.
14
SNOW WHITE: Oh, hey guys! (She laughs nervously and they keep
grinning. She gives up on alone time.) Come on.
As SNOW WHITE starts to lead them all off stage right, FIEND enters
and takes the stick from SNOW WHITE while she pulls her aside.
FIEND: (To animals while she throws the stick off stage.) You go
fetch!
DWARVES chase after it. To SNOW WHITE as she hands her an

apple
You, have an apple!
SNOW WHITE takes a bite of the apple and falls down onto stage.
STORYTELLER: They never learn! (To FIEND.) Cheater!

FIEND: The fact that you expected me to play fair is adorable. (Exits
stage left.)
STORYTELLER: So that just leaves princess number three…
CINDERELLA: (Off stage.) Filthy disgusting animals. (Crawling onto
stage with a bucket and rag, scrubbing the floor.) Really, Snow,
what good are your pets if you can’t train them to bedazzle
dresses or bake cakes. It’s just ridiculous. (She finds a new and
disgusting spot.) Eww, is this from one of the raccoons… or one of
the dwarves? Gross! (She turns her back to center stage and is
absorbed in her cleaning upstage left.)
STORYTELLER: Three damsels in distress, which should mean…
PRINCE CHARMING bumbles onto stage.

15
PRINCE CHARMING: Fear not fair maidens, Prince Charming has

arrived. You may now swoon at my unparalleled bravery, dashing
good looks, and finely coiffed hair. (He strikes a pose and only
looks around when he realizes no one is awake to pay him any
attention.) Oh, right damsels… in distress. (Turns to
STORYTELLER and FIEND.) Well, you ladies look alright. (Putting
on the moves.) In fact, you look more than alright.
The ever-helpful STORYTELLER points to SLEEPING BEAUTY.
PRINCE CHARMING: Uh, okay. So she’s… dead.
PRINCE CHARMING turns to leave but STORYTELLER pulls him

back and gets him to look again.
Oh, she’s asleep! So I should… (He looks to STORYTELLER for

help.)
STORYTELLER: Shout her name, give her a shake, splash some
water on her…
PRINCE CHARMING: Kiss her. I’ll kiss her!
FIEND: Yeah, kiss the unconscious girl, cause that’s not creepy.
PRINCE kisses SLEEPING BEAUTY’S hand, and she wakes slowly.

He moves on quickly to SNOW WHITE.
PRINCE CHARMING: Okay, she bit the apple so…

STORYTELLER: It’s food poisoning, or she’s choking and she
needs…
PRINCE CHARMING: A kiss!
STORYTELLER: I was going to say the Heimlich maneuver, but
sure. Why not?
PRINCE kisses SNOW WHITE’S hand, and she wakes slowly. He

moves on quickly to CINDERELLA who eventually realizes what is
going on. She is still on the floor by the bucket, but she tries to spruce
up when she sees the PRINCE walking over.

16
PRINCE CHARMING: (In confused whispers to STORYTELLER.)

But she’s awake already.
STORYTELLER: But look at her life. She just needs a little love and
affection. So you should probably give her a… (CINDERELLA
puckers up in anticipation.)
PRINCE CHARMING: Fancy shoe! (He snaps his fingers in the air,
and calls off stage.) Fancy shoe!
SQUDGE comes running in from stage left with an armful of shoes.

Trips and falls. On his knees, he offers up two options to the PRINCE
– one of them being the fancy shoe.
CINDERELLA: (Confused.) A shoe?

SQUDGE: I have fancy shoes in either a sensible heal or a glass
slipper which really isn’t practical for anything at all. Honestly, I’m
not even sure why I brought it. Stupid, stupid…
PRINCE CHARMING: Shiny!
PRINCE CHARMING grabs the glass slipper and jams it onto

CINDERELLA’S foot which he now has hoisted in the air.
CINDERELLA: (Irate.) A shoe?! They get make-out sessions and I

get a shoe?! And it’s not even a complete pair? Just ONE shoe?
STORYTELLER: It’s better than scrubbing floors isn’t it?
CINDERELLA: I suppose so.
CINDERELLA joins SNOW WHITE and SLEEPING BEAUTY in

fawning over him at center stage, and they tussle and fight over him
while going off stage, CINDERELLA with a slight limp do to the
uneven footwear.
PRINCE CHARMING: Come ladies, we shall feast in celebration of

your hero––ME!
The girls all titter and fawn over PRINCE as they exit stage left,
SLEEPING BEAUTY and SNOW WHITE on either arm,
CINDERELLA following behind.

17
SQUDGE: (Calling off stage.) I can find something else if glass

doesn’t please, my lord! Perhaps the lady would prefer a strappy
sandal, a purple pump, a maroon mule?
STORYTELLER: You’re a mule.
SQUDGE: (Gesticulating with the spare shoe.) I will have you know I
am a squire in the Prince’s service and…
STORYTELLER begins her lines and talks over him to the audience
until he gives up and storms off.
I’m gonna be a knight; a famous knight! And what are you,

anyways? A narrator? I bet you don’t even have a name. Ugh, I
hope you get dry rot or some nasty bookworms!
STORYTELLER: So there you have our storybook royalty. All
personages of the highest quality and beauty, beloved by all of the
common townspeople. We couldn’t ask for finer leaders. They are
so loved that no one would even dare to think of disturbing our
kingdom’s peace and serenity.
An angry MOB storms in from stage right in tight formation with

pitchforks, torches, etc.
MOB: Burn the witch!
FIEND stops them center stage.
FIEND: So, what is this all about then?

MOB MEMBER 1: Burning a witch!
FIEND: What witch?
MOB MEMBER 2: Any witch!
MOB MEMBER 3: Have you seen a witch!? (Clears throat and
beings again, much more politely.) Ahem, sorry. Have you
perhaps seen a witch in need of burning?
FIEND: Ah, yes, come to think of it, I have!
SQUDGE stumbles backwards on stage with the leftover shoes,

oblivious to the FIEND’S set up as all eyes are on him.

18
MOB: Burn the witch!
SQUDGE looks behind him for the witch while the MOB swarms him.
He somehow manages to escape off stage left with the MOB
following closely behind.
STORYTELLER: As you can see, our village also has the

undesirables that aren’t worth mentioning in most stories: the
angry mob, the lackeys, the loonies, the suck-ups, the stable boys.
But we’ll move on to more interesting topics.
FIEND: Don’t get your hopes up. I’m telling you folks, you’ve already
heard all these stories. If you’d like some real fun, I’m sure I could
arrange something for a small fee though, say the soul of your
first-born son? Face it; he doesn’t seem to be turning out that well
anyhow.
ACT ONE, SCENE 3

PRINCE GOES MISSING
SETTING: Town setting.

AT RISE: PRINCE CHARMING, SNOW WHITE, CINDERELLA, and
SLEEPING BEAUTY are all grouped together stage left, while
TOWNSPEOPLE mingle about.
PRINCE CHARMING: (Holding a glass up for a toast and looking

towards each of the princesses in turn.) A toast – to our kingdom’s
greatest treasure, more fair than any flower, more radiant than any
rainbow, more loved than life itself… to me!
The girls all sigh in unison. All characters on stage give a hearty
cheer except FIEND and STORYTELLER.
FIEND: Okay, the major characters have been introduced, the setting
is clear, a sense of normalcy has been established, all this
predictable plot is missing is the damsel in distress. So, right about
now something terrible should be happening to one of the lovely
princesses.

19
SNOW WHITE eating an apple screams and clutches her hands to

her mouth. TOWNSPEOPLE gasp and pause; optional for PRINCE to
yell the word “Gasp!” at this moment.
SNOW WHITE: I have apple skin stuck between my teeth! (Starts to

pick it out.)
TOWNSPEOPLE begin to mill about.
SLEEPING BEAUTY: I, I feel so sleepy I could just die
TOWNSPEOPLE gasp and pause again; option for PRINCE to yell

the word “Gasp!” COFFEE BOY of the Ye Old Starbucks hands her a
mug labeled “COFFEE” and, taking a sip, she perks right up.
What a magical brew! (She gulps down more and now starts to
look a little too caffeinated.)
STORYTELLER looks smug that the FIEND is proven wrong.
FIEND: Yep, any second now, one of them is really gonna get it.
(Looks around nervously, and kicks CINDERELLA, who falls.)
Look! She fell! It’s tragic! (Pointing.) Damsel! Distress!
Lights go off; PRINCE cries out. Lights come back on and PRINCE is
no longer onstage.
FIEND: Okay, that I was not expecting.

STORYTELLER: See, not your average story! (Turns to audience.)
Upon seeing their beloved Prince in danger, his loyal subjects
bravely rushed into unknown horrors, facing terrible perils,
frightening monsters, possible dismemberment, or even… death.
All characters turn their face and try to go unnoticed as nobody steps
forward.
Really? Loyal subjects, who served him faithfully, whom he had

rescued countless times! (No one stands.)
20
FIEND: Ah, the loyalty is touching.

STORYTELLER: (To characters onstage.) Well, aren’t you going to
go after him?
WICKY: Psh! Good riddance!
BOY WITH DOUGHNUT: He was a bit of an idiot.
STORYTELLER: (To the three princesses.) What about you three?
You’re just going to stand by while your Prince is kidnapped?
CINDERELLA: What are we supposed to do? We usually just sit
around and wait for him to rescue us.
SNOW WHITE: It’s really not what we do.
STORYTELLER: Well, what do you do?
CINDERELLA: We cry really well.
Looking at others to confirm their course of action, then all three start
crying as they exit stage right.
SLEEPING BEAUTY: (Tearfully, as walking off stage.) Can we

please go get some more coffee?
STORYTELLER: Unbelievable.
SQUDGE enters stage left, aware that something has happened but
unsure of what, questions people in the background and growing
more alarmed with each bit of information.
FIEND: Cold, indifferent, callous – my kind of people.

STORYTELLER: Seriously! I’m all for unconventional but when our
hero gets stolen who is going to save him.
SQUDGE: I’ll save him!
STORYTELLER: …a story without a hero is just not a story at all!
SQUDGE: I said I’ll do it!
STORYTELLER: …There won’t be anything to tell. I’ll be out of a job!
SQUDGE: (Grabbing her shoulders and shaking her.) I… said… I…
will… do… it!
STORYTELLER: (Knocking him aside.) Who has the bravery, the
cunning, the valiance to rescue the prince?
SQUDGE: I said I’d be the hero! (Stomping his feet like a child.)
STORYTELLER: And so began the downfall of the storybook
kingdom. The hero lost and a buffoon on a rescue mission.
21
FIEND: I bet he gets eaten by the dragon! Or gets his head stuck up
a horse’s…
STORYTELLER grabs FIEND and yanks her off stage before she can
say anymore.
Lights go out.
END OF ACT ONE

22
ACT TWO, SCENE 1

SQUDGE THE HERO
SQUDGE: (Angry.) I can’t believe no one is coming up with a plan!

After everything Prince Charming has done for us… he taught me
everything I know! And now he is gone. I would do anything to
have him found and well.
FIEND enters stage left.
FIEND: (She asks curiously.) Anything?

SQUDGE: (Startled.) Wha––? Who are you? What do you want?
Why are you wearing a cape?
FIEND: I… am the Fiery Fiend. I make deals with people… I give
them what they want and they give me what I want––their souls!
… And… it’s my trademark fashion accessory.
SQUDGE: (Finally understanding.) Uh, huh? Are you sure you’re not
from the Dwarf Insane Asylum? I heard a few of you loonies
escaped? (Takes her gently by the arm.) Okay, now let’s go find
the nice men in the white coats.
FIEND: Get off me buffoon! Prince Charming is missing and you said
you would do anything to have him found and well, right? Yes,
so… wanna make a deal?
SQUDGE: A deal, huh? And what would I have to give up in order for
Prince Charming to be saved?
FIEND: Your soul, you bloody idiot! I already told you that!
SQUDGE: Well sure, but which one (He pulls out the shoes from
earlier.) a purple pump or the maroon mule?
FIEND: You really are that stupid aren’t you? (FIEND shakes her
head and exits stage left.)
SQUDGE: (He calls off stage.) They really would look great with your
cape! Great, how am I supposed to learn about being a hero with
Prince Charming missing? How will I ever prove myself worthy of
being knighted? (Gasping.) That’s it! I’ll find Prince Charming and
prove that I’m worthy enough to be a knight. This could finally be

23
my chance to test my bravery in battle. Just imagine… (Squdge

begins acting out his daydream.)
SQUDGE: (As PRINCE CHARMING.) Why thank you, Squire
Squdge. You have done a great deed for this kingdom. How shall I
repay you?
SQUDGE faces the other way.
It has always been my dearest dream to become a knight.
He turns the other way.
(As PRINCE CHARMING.) Then a knight you shall be. (Makes the
knighting motion.) I knight thee Sir Squire Squdge.
SQUDGE goes back to kneeling, facing the other direction.
(Stands up.) Great! Now that I am a knight…where are my ladies?
He runs to the side of the stage.
(SQUDGE as LADY 1 runs up to where SQUDGE was standing.)

Oh Squdge!
He runs to the other side of the stage.
(SQUDGE as LADY 2 runs to where SQUDGE was standing.) Oh

Squdge! (Pushes LADY 1.) Back off; he’s mine! (SQUDGE as
LADY 3 runs to where SQUDGE was standing) Forget it you
bimbos! He’s all mine! (Pulls SQUDGE. Stands where he was
originally as SQUDGE.) Ladies, ladies, calm down. There’s
enough Squdge to go around. Patience, darlings. Soon, I will
rescue Prince Charming and become a gallant knight. I just need
to figure out how…

24
ACT TWO, SCENE 2

THE IDIOT WENCH AND SQUDGE TEAM UP
SETTING: Forest.
AT RISE: SQUDGE is still on stage. LULU enters stage right and
PRINCESSES from stage left. PRINCESSES walk by LULU and
point, holding their noses.
CINDERELLA: What is that?

SNOW WHITE: I'm surrounded by animals all the time and I've never
seen a creature that looks… or smells, like this.
SLEEPING BEAUTY walks onstage yawning and stretching.
SLEEPING BEAUTY: What's going on? I was right in the middle of a

wonderful dream when this horrible stench woke me up. (Catches
LULU’S scent.) Woah!
Startled by the shriek, SQUDGE turns around.
SNOW WHITE: What is that?

SLEEPING BEAUTY: It's a girl...I think.
SNOW WHITE: A girl? Then where are her bluebirds to dress her?
(Starts whistling.)
CINDERELLA: Or her fairy-godmothers. God, they can be so lazy,
it’s not like it’s hard to wave a wand.
SLEEPING BEAUTY: Where’s her pretty dress, and her flowing
hair…
CINDERELLA: And shiny shoes, don’t forget she needs shiny shoes
to be a girl. (LULU stumbles and falls to the ground, brushing
against CINDERELLA’S dress.) Ugh, look at what she did to my
dress!
SQUDGE walks over.
SQUDGE: Ladies, please, that will come off easily. Now if you don't
mind I'd like–– (Gets cut off.)

25
CINDERELLA: Ugh! (Interrupts like SQUDGE never said anything.)

I’m sorry. I can't stay here another minute like this. (To the
PRINCESSES.) Girls––
SNOW WHITE and SLEEPING BEAUTY: Wardrobe change!
They start to turn.
SQUDGE: Wait! Princesses! (He starts after them.) I need to talk to

you!
They hurry offstage without even acknowledging SQUDGE. LULU

starts to stand.
SQUDGE: Well that's just great. (To LULU.) Let me help.

LULU: Hey, hands off. I got it.
SQUDGE: Okay... so, umm (Notices her appearance.) Whoa...
LULU: (Angrily) What? It's the way I look isn’t it? Ugh! You fairy tale
people are all the same. Cast me away just because I’m a little
dirty. I may not be as beautiful as some of the girls around here,
but with some maniac running loose kidnapping royals…
SQUDGE: No one would take you! I mean, don't worry miss, I'll
protect you.
LULU: Protect me? What makes you think you need to protect me?
Do I look like one of those helpless little girls?
SQUDGE just stares, shocked.
SQUDGE: Well, I just thought...

LULU: You thought wrong.
SQUDGE: Hey now! Who do you think you are?
LULU: LuLu.
SQUDGE: My name is Squire Squdge. It's nice to meet you.
LULU: Right, what’s a hoity-toity like you doing out here anyway?
SQUDGE: I was thinking about how I would start my investigation.
LULU: What investigation?
SQUDGE: To find Prince Charming. Have you not heard? He is
missing.

26
LULU: No, I knew that. I just didn't think anyone would start an
investigation for my–– (Pause.) for Prince Charming. What I mean
is that no one searched for m––I mean Princess Charming.
SQUDGE: That is because she was not needed or missed as much
as Prince Charming.
LULU: (Defensively.) Oh, really?
SQUDGE: Yes, now shush I need to think.
LULU: Excuse me, did you just shush me?!
SQUDGE: I need to get inside the mind of the kidnapper. Okay, if he
took the prince then he obviously wants him for some reason. So
maybe I could set a trap, make a dummy of the Prince and wait for
the kidnapper to try to get him.
LULU: Yeah, a dummy sounds right up your alley. That’s your
brilliant plan? Why would he kidnap a dummy of the Prince when
he already has the real Prince?
SQUDGE: Well, I don’t hear you coming up with any great ideas!
LULU: Well, if you really want my help…
SQUDGE: I didn’t say that…
LULU: …what we need to do…
SQUDGE: …we?
LULU: …is to interrogate the usual suspects. I mean this is a
storybook, it’s not exactly a secret who the bad guys are…
SQUDGE: That plan is absolutely...not a terrible idea. We should
start with the Princesses first. You know…just to see if they’ve
noticed anything suspicious that could point us in the right
direction.
LULU: How do you expect to get them to talk to you?
SQUDGE: My irresistible charms, of course! Prince Charming taught
me everything I know.
LULU: Well that explains it. This should end well…
SQUDGE and LULU exit stage left; lights out.

27
ACT TWO, SCENE 3

PRINCESSES ARE INTERVIEWED
SETTING: Forest.
AT RISE: SQUDGE and LULU enter stage right and find the
princesses for questioning. First, they find SLEEPING BEAUTY
asleep at center stage. SQUDGE and LULU approach cautiously.
SQUDGE: She's sleeping. Let's come back later.

LULU: Do you want to find the Prince or not? She may have seen
something important.
SQUDGE: Then you go wake her up.
LULU: I don't think so. What─is the super-brave knight-in-training
afraid to face a sweet little princess?
SQUDGE: (SQUDGE slowly approaches SLEEPING BEAUTY and
taps her on the shoulder. She snores loudly so he looks back at
LULU and shrugs.) She won't wake up.
LULU: WAKE UP!
SLEEPING BEAUTY: No! I always wake up to blue birds singing. I
don’t hear any blue birds, so it can’t be morning. I’m going back to
sleep. (She snuggles back in to go to sleep.)
SQUDGE and LULU look at each other, confused. SQUDGE then

has an idea and begins whistling in his best blue bird imitation.
SLEEPING BEAUTY: Well, I hear one blue bird, but…
SQUDGE shoots LULU a glare and she reluctantly begins whistling

as well.
SLEEPING BEAUTY: (Wakes in a start, frantically searching for who

yelled. She spots SQUDGE and LULU.) Oh, was I sleeping?
SQUDGE: Yes, you were. We’re sorry for waking you.
LULU: I’m not.
SLEEPING BEAUTY: It's fine. I shouldn't be sleeping all day anyway
with Prince Charming missing.
SQUDGE: Actually, that's why we’re here.
SLEEPING BEAUTY: Did you find him?! Where is he?!
28
SQUDGE: No, we didn't find him.

SLEEPING BEAUTY: (Sadly.) Oh... um, why are you here then?
SQUDGE: We would like to ask you a few questions about Prince
Charming. What was your relationship with him?
SLEEPING BEAUTY: (Dreamily stares off into space.) His one true
love!
LULU: Oh jeeze...
SQUDGE: Okay, next question. Where were you from the time
Prince Charming kissed your hand to the time he went missing?
SLEEPING BEAUTY: That's easy. I was sleeping.
LULU: Of course you were.
SLEEPING BEAUTY: I did have this amazing dream though. Prince
Charming was in it. He asked me to marry him and of course I said
yes. So we got married and I was wearing this beautiful flowing
dress and everyone was there. It was marvelous. (She starts to fall
asleep again.)
SQUDGE: Do you have any ideas of who might have taken him?
SLEEPING BEAUTY: No, everyone just loves Prince Charming.
SQUDGE: Thanks anyway, Princess. (He turns to walk away.)
SLEEPING BEAUTY: (Groggily.) Wait!
SQUDGE: Yes?
SLEEPING BEAUTY: You might want to talk to the ogre. Prince
Charming said Nork was illegally tolling people. Nork could have
kidnapped him to keep him quiet about his illegal schemes.
SQUDGE: Our first suspect! Thanks again, we won’t disturb you any
longer.
SLEEPING BEAUTY begins to snore loudly.
LULU: Disturb her? Fat chance.
They turn to leave as SNOW WHITE enters from stage right walking
backwards. She’s talking offstage.
SNOW WHITE: (Talking to offstage left.) Okay, um you guys just wait
there for a little bit. No, no, right there. (Turns around and jumps at
the sight of SQUDGE and LULU.)

29
SQUDGE: Um, Snow White? While you’re here, would you mind if
we asked you a few questions?
SNOW WHITE: Gee, I don’t know. I’m not very good with questions. I
can giggle really well. (Demonstrates giggle.) Or I can make up
songs about nothing in particular (Demonstrates singing.) Or I can
do a pretty good blank stare (Demonstrates stare.)
SQUDGE: Ah, right. That’s great. Um, my name is Squire Squdge,
friend and confidant to the missing royal, and I’ve made it my
mission to––
SNOW WHITE continues to stare blankly as he speaks.
LULU: (To SQUDGE about SNOW WHITE, who continues to stare.)

I think your airhead’s been deflated.
SQUDGE: (Snaps his finger in SNOW WHITE’S face.) I said I would
like to ask you a few questions.
SNOW WHITE: Gee, I don’t know. I’m not very good with questions. I
can…
SQUDGE interrupts before the cycle can begin again.
LULU: What was your relationship with Prince Charming?

SNOW WHITE: (Gets a dreamy look on her face.) His one true
love…
LULU: Are you kidding me?
SQUDGE: What were you doing before he was taken?
SNOW WHITE: I was eating an apple, then I fainted, and Prince
Charming kissed me. It was wonderful. (SNOW WHITE bursts into
singing a made-up song.)
SQUDGE: Yeah, we can skip that part. I meant between then and
the disappearance, when you were alone.
SNOW WHITE: Oh, okay, um I was with the animals and then I
started taking off my jackets.
SQUDGE: Okay, but what did you do after you took off the jacket.
SNOW WHITE: Well, I took off another one.
SQUDGE: Okay, I guess it can get a little chilly out here in the
woods. What did you do after you took off the second jacket?
SNOW WHITE: I took off a third jacket.
30
LULU: Okay, quit jerking us around, what did you do after that?
SNOW WHITE: I took off more jackets… What? I was in the cottage,
when there was a knock at the door, so I opened it and these
seven little men were standing on the door step in these odd white
coats with a bunch of buckles and no armholes. They asked if they
could come in because there had been a breakout in the Dwarf
Asylum, and I couldn’t just leave them out there in those funny
coats with crazy dwarves on the loose. So I invited them in and
unbuckled them from those crazy jackets.
DWARVES enter stage right.
SQUDGE: Oh good grief, crazy jackets? You mean straight jackets.
SWEETUMS leads the pack, a little too enthusiastically, and makes a

beeline for SQUDGE and LULU. TWITCH runs around straightening
and counting. SWEETUMS rocks back and forth giggling – she growls
if anyone gets too close; SPARE just stands behind random people
until they spot him and react. TWITCH is running around the other
DWARVES in a twitching fashion and the rest of the DWARVES
follow behind.
SWEETUMS: Oh, goody, goody, goody! It’s company! I just love

company! I really, really, really do. I could just pour sugar all over
you and… eat… you… up.
SQUDGE: Umm… please don’t.
PYRO approaches LULU.
PYRO: Excuse me. You don’t have any lighter fluid do you?
Gasoline? Kerosene? A lighter? A flint? Some kindling? A large
pile of dynamite you’re not using? No? Nothing? Nothing! UGH!
(Storms off to pout.)
SNOW WHITE: There are so many of them I can barely count them
all.
TWITCH: Count? I can count them!

31
Throughout the scene, TWITCH buzzes around the stage trying to

count people, but always missing some, adding others, and coming
up with the wrong number.
MEMMIE: (To LULU.) Hello, who are you and what can we do for
you?
LULU: Well, I’m glad someone around here has some sense. We are
investigating the Prince’s disappearance and we are wondering if
you’ve seen anything suspicious that might be of help to us.
(MEMMIE just keeps nodding her head attentively.) We would
really appreciate it.
MEMMIE: Oh, ok. Hello! Who are you and what can we do for you?
LULU just shakes her head and walks away from MEMMIE.
SQUDGE: Excuse me miss, perhaps you could help?

WEE: Maybe I could, maybe I couldn’t. Who told you I could. I never
made any promises. I never did, I never did and whoever told you I
could is a liar! (WEE snaps his head around to look over his
shoulder.) I told him we could help, and I’m not a liar! I’m tired of
you always putting me down! (WEE snaps his head and becomes
first personality.) Well, if you would stop talking about me behind
my back! (WEE wanders off to continue his argument.)
BUDDY: (Walks up to LULU.) He says he can help. (Looks at the
empty space beside him.)
LULU: Great! Where is he?
BUDDY: He’s right here. Jeeze. It’s very rude to ignore people you
know. (Leans over as his “friend” whispers to him and he giggles.)
That’s not very nice to say; she’s right here...
LULU: Do you know where Prince Charming went?
BUDDY: Well, I don’t, but I could ask him.
LULU: No, that’s alright.
BUDDY: (To imaginary friend.) You know, I don’t think she likes you
very much.
SQUDGE approaches TWITCH and on the way is stopped by PYRO.
PYRO: You don’t happen to have a match do you?

32
SQUDGE quickly finds one and gives it to her. She cradles it like a
precious treasure, squeals gleefully, and skips off stage. TWITCH
spots SQUDGE’S messy appearance and stops her repetitive
counting to straighten up.
TWITCH: You’re a mess. A mess! Your clothes aren’t straight.

They’re not straight. Take them off, take them off! 123,123,123.
PYRO comes backing onto the stage looking at the bonfire she has lit
just off stage right. She bumps into SWEETUMS who gazes in
wonder at the blaze.
SWEETUMS: Oh my! What a lovely, lovely fire! It’s so sparkly. And

it’s headed right for the cottage! Everything is going up in smoke!
Weeeeeeee!
SNOW WHITE: (Giggles nervously.) They do keep me on my toes!
All but SQUDGE and LULU exit stage right. CINDERELLA then
walks slowly onto the stage left while staring at her glass slipper.
SQUDGE: Well, this is convenient; our last princess.

LULU: And my least favorite.
SQUDGE: Cinderella?
CINDERELLA: What do you want?
SQUDGE: I'd like to ask you a few questions but...why were you
staring at that shoe?
CINDERELLA: I was thinking. A little nosey, aren't we? I mean, it’s
just so shiny! What can I do for you? Did you, did you catch who
took the Prince?
SQUDGE: No, we just wanted to ask you some questions about his
disappearance to see if you knew anything important.
LULU: Ha, not likely!
CINDERELLA: Watch it, stinky!
SQUDGE: The first question I have for you is what is your
relationship with Prince Charming?
LULU: (From the other side of the stage.) Let me guess... his one
true love?
33
CINDERELLA: Yeah, sure. One out of three at least.

SQUDGE: Okay... what were you doing between the time Prince
Charming gave you the shoe and the time he disappeared?
CINDERELLA: Marveling over this wonderful glass slipper of course!
Because instead of a kiss to daydream about... I got a shoe. Now
is there anything else I can do for you?
SQUDGE: I guess not. Thank you for your time and if you think of
anything else we are heading out to question Nork next.
CINDERELLA: Nork?
SQUDGE: Yes, the ogre.
CINDERELLA: I know who he is. Why are you going to question
him?
SQUDGE: Sleeping Beauty said he never got along with Prince
Charming. (Proudly.) He is our first suspect.
CINDERELLA: Ha! Good luck with that! He's too stupid to have
kidnapped Prince Charming.
CINDERELLA exits stage right.
LULU: Maybe we should listen to her, stupidity is her area of

expertise!
Lights out.
ACT TWO, SCENE 4

NORK THE OGRE
SETTING: Forest.
AT RISE: SQUDGE and LULU enter stage left and find NORK THE
OGRE standing guard at his bridge.
SQUDGE: Our first suspect! Isn't this exciting? How should I start
though? Should I rough him up first? Go for a soft and friendly
approach? We could do good cop bad cop! What do you think?
LULU: I don't know. It's not like I go around interrogating people.
SQUDGE: Right. I will start forcefully; see if he will crack under
pressure.
34
LULU: (Mumbles under breath.) I’m going to crack your head under
pressure.
They walk up to NORK.
SQUDGE: Nork, I would like to talk to you.

NORK: Who dares to try and cross my bridge?
SQUDGE: Nork, we don't want to cross your bridge. We just want to
ask you a few questions about Prince Charming's disappearance.
NORK: No one crosses without paying the toll.
SQUDGE: That's fine because we aren't here to cross the bridge.
NORK: (Acting a little hurt.) Are you sure you don’t want to try and
cross my bridge?
SQUDGE: No, really that’s okay.
NORK: But…It’s a very nice bridge…
SQUDGE: Well, fine, if it would really mean that much to you then
we’ll cross. (They try to pass just to placate him.)
NORK: None shall pass!
SQUDGE: But you just said…
NORK: None shall pass! You must pay the toll to pass.
SQUDGE: Isn’t there another option? Can’t you like, ask us three
questions to see if we’re worthy.
LULU: That is how proper ogres are doing it now days.
NORK: Really? Okay then. Answer me these questions three.
(NORK pauses, waiting for them to answer. He is completely
unaware that he has yet to actually ask anything.)
LULU: You haven’t asked us anything yet.
NORK: Well… you haven’t answered anything yet.
SQUDGE: You have to actually ask us something like, “Where were
you when the prince disappeared?”
NORK: Oh, ok. Where were you when the prince disappeared?
SQUDGE: No that’s our question.
NORK: Yeah, so answer it or you can’t cross the bridge!
SQUDGE: I don’t want to cross your stupid bridge. I want you to
answer my questions!
NORK: Who’s calling my bridge stupid?

35
SQUDGE: I am, ha! You asked a question and I answered it. That’s
question number one. Two more questions and you have to
cooperate.
NORK: I didn’t agree to that!
SQUDGE: Why not?
NORK: ‘Cause it’s not fair. It’s my bridge!
SQUDGE: (Speaking to LULU.) Hmm, I think I’ve met my mental
match.
LULU: No kidding.
SQUDGE: I’ve got a few more tricks up my sleeve though. (Now
speaking to NORK, mumbled and fast.) Anogresayswhat?
NORK: What?
SQUDGE: I said, “An ogre says what?” That’s correct answer
number two!
NORK: Grrr! You’re hurting my head.
LULU: Come on, Cinderella was right; he’s too stupid to have
planned this.
SQUDGE: (Reaches out and shakes NORK’S hand.) Well played sir.
It’s an honor to match wits against an equal adversary. I thank you
very much for your time.
NORK: What? What are you talking about? I don't know what time it
is! What does advers-ery mean? Wait…why am I guarding this
bridge to begin with? I’m so confused.
LULU and SQUDGE exit stage left and NORK sits down on his bridge
and continues to scratch his head, clearly still contemplating all of the
unanswered questions. STORYTELLER enters stage right.
STORYTELLER: And so ends Squdge and LuLu’s first villain

interrogation. Another dead end.
NORK: What am I doing with my life? What is an ogre anyway?
STORYTELLER: Come along, Nork. Our ‘heroes’ are about to visit
the Miller’s daughter, the town gossip. If anyone knows what’s
going on she will.
Both exit. Lights go out and scene ends.

36
ACT TWO, SCENE 5

RUMPELSTILTSKIN
SETTING: Forest
AT RISE: MILLY and CINDERELLA are on stage. MILLY is holding
up silky fabric, explaining to CINDERELLA what needs done. There is
a spinning wheel onstage right that CINDERELLA will use to spin.
MILLY: Thanks again for filling in for me Cinderella. I would really

love to stay and spin the rest of this hay into gold, but what with
my wedding coming up and all…
CINDERELLA: Yeah sure, no problem. I know how hectic wedding
planning can be… Wait, no I don’t, cause the Prince has like three
fiancés so…
MILLY: Yeah sure, that’s great, so um––If you could just spin the
rest of this into gold, 24 karat please, that would be super. Oh and
if some creepy guy comes around asking for your first born child,
he’s just joking. He’s a total riot. You’ll love him… just don’t pay
any attention to him. M’kay?
MILLY exits and CINDERELLA takes seat at spinning wheel.
CINDERELLA: Alright, so turning hay into gold. How exactly is this

gonna work? Knit one, purl two?
RUMPEL enters from stage left as CINDERELLA is seated at

spinning wheel.
RUMPEL: Alright, so let’s make this happen. Where’s the goods, and
I’ll give you the gold?
CINDERELLA: Oh, um you must be looking for Milly.
RUMPEL: Well, you’re filling in, right? Ehh, in the end somebody still
owes me. And it looks like that somebody is you today!
CINDERELLA: Hey, I’m just helping out a friend. What kind of deal
did you make with her anyway?
RUMPEL: I promised to turn the hay into gold and in return she owes
me… Well, that’s private.
CINDERELLA: Well, how can I pay you if I don’t know what’s owed?
37
RUMPEL: Well, okay then. She owes me her first born baby.
CINDERELLA: A baby?! What are you going to do with a baby?
RUMPEL: That’s-that’s none of your concern! What you need to
worry about is how you’re gonna get me paid.
CINDERELLA: Well, I don’t have a baby, but would you accept
something else? (As she finishes, he spots her shoe.)
RUMPEL: Shiny! (He snatches up the shoe and knocks her on her
butt.) This will do, tell Milly we’re even. (He begins to back off
stage left.)
CINDERELLA: Hey, wait! She said if I guessed your name, I
wouldn’t have to pay you.
RUMPEL: Yeah, sure go ahead and try.
CINDERELLA: (Option to insert celebrity names, teacher names,
principal’s name.) Jimminy Smegledon, Herman Hendlelayerman,
Nash Nester…
FIEND enters stage right, intending to spoil his plans.
FIEND: Hi, RUMPELstilskin! It’s so good to see you,

RUMPELstiltskin! I hope you’re having an awesome day,
RUMPELstiltskin.
She waves enthusiastically and exits stage right.
RUMPEL: Poisonous bunch-backed-toad, wretched, weak traitorous

son-of a mule, you miserable, sniping gutter rat!
During the considerable cursing, SQUDGE and LULU enter.

SQUEDGE is appalled at the language, he covers LULU ears and
then launches himself at RUMPEL.
SQUDGE: Now, see here you rude rapscallion! We don’t need any of
that language around here. This is a lovely children’s story! Just
what do you think you’re doing anyway?
CINDERELLA: Harassing innocent maidens, that’s what!
RUMPEL: I was not. I was simply conducting some business.
LULU: That business wouldn’t have anything to do with the missing
Prince would it?
38
SQUDGE: Yeah, I heard he gave you quite a beat down the other
day.
RUMPEL: He did not! I, I slipped!
LULU: So you wouldn’t have any problem explaining where you were
when he went missing, would you?
RUMPEL: (Hesitating.) I was… busy.
SQUDGE: Doing what?
RUMPEL: I had an appointment… at the hospital.
CINDERELLA: He was in a full body cast after the Prince got done
with him, the Fairy Godmother Guild were the only ones who took
pity on him and cast a bone-mending spell on him this morning.
LULU: So he couldn’t have had anything do with the Prince’s
disappearance. (RUMPEL exits.) I feel like we’re missing
something important. Something right under our noses.
CINDERELLA: (Looking sheepish and edging off stage left.) Well, it
looks like everything is under control here. I’ll just be going; we’ll
catch up later. (Giggles nervously and exits.)
SQUDGE: Well, that got us nowhere.
LULU: I don’t know, Cinderella mentioned the Fairy Godmother
Guild; maybe they would have some information.
SQUDGE: I don’t know; fairies and witches always have it out for me.
Last time I ran into any of them, I spent a very uncomfortable week
as a dung-beetle.
LULU: A dung-beetle?
SQUDGE: I don’t want to talk about it; it’s just not a good idea.
LULU: Don’t be so paranoid, besides, it’s not like you have any
better ideas. You’ll be fine.
SQUDGE and LULU exit stage right.

39
ACT TWO, SCENE 6

WITCHY WOMEN
SETTING: Dungeon.
AT RISE: SQUDGE and LULU sneak behind barrels, hissing
complaints at each other. Meanwhile, MUFFY and BUFFY are
practicing potions and spells on a prisoner. WICKY is lounging in a
chair reading.
LULU: Ouch, you just stepped on my bloody foot, Squdge!

SQUDGE: Well, why don’t you get your big butt out of the way?
LULU: Shh! They’ll hear us. The Fairy Godmother Guild said that
Wickurtia and her incompetent daughters, Brufessa and Muffelda,
have caught a new prisoner - it may be the Prince.
MUFFY: (Throwing her hands up in frustration.) What in toad’s world
is going on? (Turning to Wicky.) Mummy, it won’t work!
BUFFY: Yeah, this is stupid. These cheap wands are defective!
Both throw their wands onto the ground.
WICKY: (Irritated, getting up from reading.) What’s the problem?

What are you two whining about now?
BUFFY and MUFFY: They don’t work!
WICKY: (Snatching up wands and thrusting them back at the girls.)
Are you two are positive that you’re doing it right?
BUFFY: Positive.
MUFFY: Absolutely, super-duperly positive.
WICKY: Repeat what you’re supposed to do.
BUFFY: Get the prisoner, wave your wand, say the magic words,
and boom! The prisoner’s a monkey… a monkey… monkey!
(Flicks wand every time she says the word monkey.)
MUFFY: Which we did. Well, except for the part about the prisoner
actually turning into a monkey. (She looks at BUFFY and nods
matter-of-factly.) That’s why we’re having this dilemma.
BUFFY: Do yourself a favor and never speak.
MUFFY: Hey, why don’t you–– (Gets cut off.)
WICKY: Girls! Be quiet.
BUFFY and MUFFY: Yes, Mum.
40
WICKY: I created this spell; it’s fool proof! You two obviously didn’t
say it correctly!
MUFFY: But we were! It just doesn’t work!
BUFFY: Watch.
Toadstools, mushrooms, and the hair of a donkey
Turn this miserable prisoner into a winged monkey.
Seeing the frightened prisoner not transforming, WICKY stares at

them in confusion. BUFFY smiles smugly.
See, Mum.
MUFFY: (In a sing-song voice.) Told you so.
WICKY: Well, that’s never happened to me when I’ve said it. You two
must be flicking your wands the wrong direction.
MUFFY: Maybe the spell’s defective.
BUFFY: How would you know if it was defective or not? You can’t
even spell the word defective.
MUFFY: Oh yeah, maybe your head’s defective!
BUFFY: Your brain’s defective.
MUFFY: (Insulted gasp.) It is not.
WICKY: You two have to concentrate when you cast a spell; magic
doesn’t just happen! What are you thinking about when you’re
casting the spell?
MUFFY: Well, I think about turning him into a flying monkey, and…
well… the wings make me think of birds, which makes me think of
cute, little baby birds… which make me think of bunnies. Ohhhh!
Little baby bunnies hopping through the grass!
BUFFY: Oh! I love bunnies! (WICKY glares at her.) What? It’s true! I
do! They’re so fluffy I could die!
WICKY: Bunnies? You’re thinking about bunnies? The daughters of
the most evil-spirited, maniacal, fiendish, vengeful sorceress in all
the kingdom are thinking about cute woodland creatures? Well no
wonder the spell isn’t working! You have to focus on evil if you
want to cast an evil spell. Got it? (Both girls nod gravely.) Alright,
let’s try this again.
PRISONER: Please, please, ma’am. Let me go… I have a cat to
feed… and I need to dust… and my Mum’s coming up for the
weekend.
41
WICKY: Silence! Did I tell you to speak?

PRISONER: But please? I don’t like bunnies.
WICKY: (Points wand at PRISONER and casts spell.) Lucucrna!
The PRISONER falls over, causing LULU to scream in terror and

SQUDGE to jump out with his fist raised for a fight. All WITCHES
jump back in surprise.
MUFFY: Mum? Who are these people? Ugh! And why does that one
smell like an ass?
BUFFY: (Walks over to SQUEDGE, trying to calm him down.) Ok,
sir, sir, you need to stop. Calm down, that’s it… nice deep breaths,
yes, that’s the way––
WICKY: Bruffessa, Muffelda! Get back from them! (Points wands at
LULU and SQUDGE.) Who are you first of all, and what in toad’s
name are you doing in my lair?
LULU: I’m LuLu. This donkey’s arse is Squdge, and we’re
investigating the Prince’s disappearance.
BUFFY: LuLu? Hey, I’ve heard of her! (To MUFFY.) That’s Loony
LuLu the idiot wench!
MUFFY: Ohhhh yeah! You’re right, that explains the smell! Wow…
it’s worse than I heard!
SQUDGE: Lay off! (Takes a menacing step towards BUFFY and
MUFFY.)
WICKY: Keep away from my daughters, you airheaded imbecile.
LULU: Please, we just want to ask a few questions and get some
answers.
WICKY: (Lowering her wand.) If it means you will leave, then fine.
Ask your questions.
SQUDGE: Now, as you may, or may not have heard, Prince
Charming has gone missing!
BUFFY and MUFFY both gasp.
WE are interrogating all of the suspects.

WICKY: And you… you think I’m a suspect?
SQUDGE: Yes ma’am, we do.
WICKY: Well, Squire, you’re smarter than you look. I’ll give you that!
42
SQUDGE: (Smugly.) Well, thank you––hey!

LULU: So? You admit that you kidnapped Prince Charming?
WICKY: Yes, that is exactly what I am saying. Single handedly, I
snatched him right out from under the noses of all those stupid
guards, those fools, how idiotic can you––
MUFFY: Mum! There’s no way you could have taken Prince
Charming! Remember?
WICKY: Muffy…
BUFFY: Yeah! I do, I remember, Mum! We were out capturing
defenseless individuals to keep in the dungeon and then we went
to that new smoothie place!
MUFFY: Yeah, that’s right! She got a Strawberry Kiwi and you got––
WICKY: ENOUGH!
LULU: So… you couldn’t have kidnapped Prince Charming.
SQUDGE: (Exasperated.) Yes, LuLu.
LULU glares at him.
So, we’ll just be leaving…

LULU: Squdge, wait! What about him? (Points to the prisoner.)
BUFFY: He’s only asleep.
LULU: Really? Asleep?
WICKY: (Looking exasperated.) Yes, I stunned him with a sleeping
curse. Now I’m a very busy sorceress and …I don’t know how to
say this delicately… GET OUT! The overwhelming odor of the
wench is starting to make me lightheaded.
BUFFY: Wait! Since our prisoner is sort-of defective, (Points to
SQUDGE.) can we practice on him?
WICKY: Why, yes! What a great idea!
SQUDGE: Now wait a minute!
BUFFY: (Waving her wand at SQUDGE and casting a spell.) Puella!
SQUDGE: (In a small girl’s voice.) All we want is to go home. We’re
done interviewing you and we would appreciate––
MUFFY: (Waving wand and casting a spell.) Antiqus.
SQUDGE: (In an old man’s voice.) I don’t think this is very
appropriate––
BUFFY: Puella!

43
SQUDGE: (High-pitched “girly” voice.) Please, please have some

decency and stop––
MUFFY: Antiqus!
SQUDGE: (Old man voice.) You manky mountain goat, control your
daughters please!
WICKY: Mediocris! (SQUDGE goes back to normal voice.) I don’t
know who you think you are, but how dare you order me around,
you dim-witted stable hand! I am the most evil sorceress of all of
the fairytale kingdom and soon, very soon, you will know how truly
cruel I can be you little foolish––
LULU runs up behind and pushes WICKY into BUFFY and MUFFY,
who fall down on top of each other. Their wands go flying.
LULU: Run, Squdge, run!
They grab hands and run off stage.
WICKY: Stop! Get back here! You don’t know who you’re dealing
with! I’m brutal! I make, kids cry!
Lights out for intermission.
END OF ACT TWO
INTERMISSION

44
ACT THREE, SCENE 1

BET UPDATE
SETTING: Forest.
STORYTELLER: (Enters from stage right, eyeing the crowd as they

take their seats and shaking her head disapprovingly.) Okay,
well… I hope you enjoyed your break. Okay, so to review, the
Prince is missing, there’s a kidnapper on the loose, the kingdom
has been thrown into a state of chaos. Psh… and all you people
can think about is snacks! Shameless! Heartless! Completely
uncaring!
FIEND enters from stage left eating a bag of popcorn and slurping
loudly on a soda.
FIEND: Ah, I love the introductions you do for me! Really, too kind.
Did you try the popcorn? (Licking fingers.) Buttery deliciousness.
STORYTELLER: I know we made a bet and all, but this is getting out
of hand. I mean, things usually do follow a certain…
FIEND: Boring, lame, predictable plot? (Still slurping and eating.)
STORYTELLER: Pattern! They follow a stable pattern, ensuring that
good will always prevail!
FIEND: Total discrimination if you ask me. (Tosses some popcorn at
STORYTELLER.)
STORYTELLER: It’s the law of good vs. evil but this is totally wrong.
Who is supposed to do the rescuing if the hero is the one missing?
FIEND: Well, that Squeegee person was running around with his
smelly little sidekick.
STORYTELLER: (Growing increasingly hysteric.) Oh, yeah, real
knightly! He’s bumbled around half the countryside, interviewed all
of the usual suspects, and the only progress they’ve made is the
growing number of flies following LuLu and the popularity of
Squdge jokes.
FIEND: Oh, yeah! That was one of my more inspired art forms.
What’s the only way you can tell the difference between Squire
Squdge and a donkey’s behind? (STORYTELLER just shrugs.)
One knows it’s just an ass and the other one doesn’t!
45
STORYTELLER: Come on, this is serious. You’ve got something to

lose too, you know. Remember our little bet; this isn’t exactly
turning out the way you predicted. The Prince is missing and it
doesn’t look like any of the typical villains are to blame. We could
be living with an imposter! They could be watching us right now!
We could be next! (Starts to hyperventilate.)
MOB runs on stage carrying popcorn bags.
MOB: Burn the Witch!

STORYTELLER: There is no witch here!!!
FIEND: Why do you want to burn her so bad anyway?
MOB MEMBER 1: She burned our popcorn!
FIEND: That oddly makes sense.
STORYTELLER: No, that does not make sense. You know what else
doesn’t make sense! Why you’re worried about burning witches,
when the prince is missing and we have no leads! That doesn’t
make sense!
STORYTELLER screams and the MOB runs off stage.
FIEND: Calm down! Get a grip on yourself. (Hands her the popcorn
bag to breathe into.) Here, breathe. We’ll go check in on everyone
and see if there’s been any changes. If anyone knows anything
new it would be the princesses; we’ll start there. So quit your
bawling…
FIEND and STORYTELLER begin to exit stage left.
STORYTELLER: I think I have popcorn salt in my lungs.

46
ACT THREE, SCENE 2

PRINCESS HOBBIES
SETTING: Forest.
SLEEPING BEAUTY: Well, they say when you’re upset you should
just try to stay busy. I guess I could finish sewing this pillowcase
for Prince Charming for when he gets back. That way he has
something nice and comfy to lay his head on, and maybe it will
give him sweet dreams of me. I don’t know why it’s taken me this
long to finish. It seems like every time I start… (She pricks herself
and falls fast asleep. She wakes up every now and then, resumes
sewing, then falls back to sleep again and again.)
SNOW WHITE: (Sets up the dwarves like in a school room and
begins going over the rules.). Okay, so what’s rule number one?
SWEETUMS: Treat others as you would like to be treated.
SNOW WHITE: Which means..?
PYRO: Don’t set other people on fire… even if you’re just joking.
SNOW WHITE: Good. Rule number two?
ALL: No fighting!
WEE: Even if it’s with yourself. (Snaps.) That means you! (Snap.)
She was talking to you!
SNOW WHITE: Okay… and rule number three?
All DWARVES look sheepishly around at each other.
You know it. Come on… No biting! I mean it.

SLEEPING BEAUTY: Okay, I think I’m finished. Do you think he’ll
like it? (She holds it up for SNOW WHITE’S inspection.)
As soon as SNOW WHITE’S back is turned, the DWARVES start

looking evil again.
SNOW WHITE: Umm, what is it supposed to say?

SLEEPING BEAUTY: “To my Sweetheart.” (She holds it towards
audience and it says: “To My Sweat Heat.”)
The DWARVES start to circle each other trying to bite one another.
47
SNOW WHITE: (Totally convinced.) Oh, yeah, then it’s perfect. Hey,
where’s Cinderella?
SLEEPING BEAUTY: I think she said something about going to Ye
Olde Louis Vuitton.
SNOW WHITE: (Turning back to dwarves who have resumed their
school-time positions.) Aww, just look at my little angels. Come
along everyone.
They all hold hands and frolic off stage together. SLEEPING BEAUTY
has drifted off again and gets carried off or escorted off by a dwarf.
ACT THREE, SCENE 3

NOT-SO-WITCHY WOMEN AND NORK’S SECRET
SETTING: Forest.
AT RISE: MUFFY and BUFFY enter stage left after briefly running
into the giggling dwarves. They make their way to center stage and sit
down at the well.
BUFFY: Aww, why can’t we be squealing for no apparent reason?

MUFFY: Because, Mom said we had to gather ingredients to practice
our potions. Did you bring the list?
BUFFY: (Reading list.) Lizards’ brains, bat wings, turtle tongues,
cactus warts, a sample of a toad’s… stool
MUFFY: You mean a toadstool?
BUFFY: I wish.
MUFFY: Ewwww! Why don’t our spells ever need things like rose
petals or butterfly wings or rainbows?
BUFFY: Oh, or dewdrops and baby’s breath or pink… well… pink
anything!
MUFFY: And why do we have to dress all gloomy? What about some
lace, or sequins?
BUFFY: Glitter! I’ve always wanted to wear glitter!
MUFFY: You know, some witches get to wear glitter, and pick
flowers, and instead of being mean they’re…
BUFFY: Shhh, don’t say it! She’ll hear you!
48
MUFFY: I’m tired of living in fear, and, and we stink at this! Maybe
we should try being…
BUFFY: Seriously, don’t say it. She’d turn us into…
WICKY storms on stage from stage right screeching; LIGHTNING

BOOM sound effect can be used.
WICKY: Dragon dung!

BUFFY: I told you; she’s got super evil hearing.
WICKY: What are you doing?! I’ve been waiting down at the Dragon
Dung Emporium for half an hour! Let’s go.
BUFFY and MUFFY: Yes, Mother.
WICKY: That little snot Squdge and his smelly girl made a fool out of
us, we’ve got to up our game!
BUFFY and MUFFY: Yes, Mother.
WICKY walks off in a huff and the girls trudge obediently off stage
right behind their mother. Just as the girls walk off, NORK stumbles
on stage dragging a big sack, which holds PRINCE CHARMING.
NORK: She’s gonna be so happy… and she’s so perdy… and she’s,

she’s gonna be so happy. And you never saw it coming (He kicks
the bag gently, and gets a drink out of the well.) Nope, nope, nope,
nope, nope. Cause, you’re stupid (He pulls down the bag and
reveals PRINCE CHARMING.) Here, drink. (He offers the drink to
the PRINCE but his mouth is gagged.) I said drink! Fine, I’s just
trying to be nice, but we’ll see how she treats you. Oh… (He
realizes the problem and tears the gag off, giggling moronically.)
PRINCE CHARMING: Ow, that hurt, you idiot!
NORK: Me? An idiot? You’re not exactly a genius, your highnius!
PRINCE CHARMING: Yeah well… What’s 25 divided by 5?
NORK: Um, um… (He tries to count on his fingers, then his toes.) I
don’t know I only have twenty digits!
PRINCE CHARMING: Ha! See, you are an idiot!
NORK: Well, then what’s the answer, if you’re so smart?
PRINCE CHARMING: It’s, it’s… something that I know and you
don’t. I could tell you, but it’s, (Obviously stalling.) it’s in French
and a simpleton like you can barely speak English.
49
NORK: Yeah well, there’s one question I can answer, who has the
gag? ME! (He puts the gag back on the PRINCE.) I win, you lose. I
win! (He stands, and begins dragging the PRINCE off stage left.)
And she’s gonna be so happy, and she’s so perdy…
Exits stage left; lights off and scene change.
ACT THREE, SCENE 4

THERAPY SESSION
FIEND: Why are you doing this? You know this guy is a total quack.
STORYTELLER: Hey, I will have you know that Dr. Sigmund Fraud
is the very best psychotherapist in the kingdom, and I just thought
that with all the stress they’re under, the girls could use a little
therapy session to vent all of their emotions. With the Prince MIA
the last thing everyone needs is to have the remaining community
leaders go to pieces.
FIEND: It might be kind of fun to watch though. Especially if Snow
White got her animals and dwarves in on it. I mean those guys
aren’t wrapped too tight to begin with, can you imagine the chaos
if they really lost it. There would be pointy hats and chipmunks
everywhere––on second thought, yeah this Sigmund Fraud is a
great idea, I’m sure he won’t make things worse at all.
FIEND and STORYTELLER settle in to watch the therapy session as

the PRINCESSES and SIGMUND FRAUD are all assembled.
SNOW WHITE: The Prince has been missing for three days now,
and there doesn’t seem to be any clues. My animals are restless
and the dwarves are going crazy, or at least I think they are. It’s
kind of hard to tell with them.
FRAUD: Mmm hmm, mmm, hmm. Und how does zat make you feel?
SNOW WHITE: I mean… kind of like bursting into song for no
reason! (Insert made-up song.)

50
FRAUD: (To CINDERELLA.) Mmm hmm, mmm, hmm. Und how

does zat make you feel?
CINDERELLA: Annoyed. Unlike some people, I didn’t grow up in a
sheltered palace or enchanted forest. Running around signing
non-sense would have helped (Mock singing.) deedlely deedlely
squat in the neighborhood. I learned early on that if you have a
problem you have to roll up your sleeves and get dirty.
FRAUD: (To SLEEPING BEAUTY.) Mmm hmm, mmm, hmm. Und
how does zat make you feel? (Uses cane wakes her up.)
SLEEPING BEAUTY: Oh! Was I sleeping? Well… with the Prince
gone, I just want to sleep all day. I have no reason to get out of
bed in the morning.
CINDERELLA: There’s a shocker. I mean, yeah we all miss him and
wish we had him back. But I mean none of us really got to see him
that much anyway. He was always off rescuing someone or
grooming himself or hosting a feast, most likely in his honor, and
any free time he did have was split between the three of us. It’s so
frustrating.
FRAUD: Mmm hmm, mmm, hmm. Und how does zat make you feel?
CINDERELLA: I just said it was frustrating.
FRAUD: (Obviously without any response he looks to SNOW
WHITE.) Mmm hmm, mmm, hmm. Und how does zat make you
feel?
SNOW WHITE: Umm, I’m not really good with questions.
MOB pops on stage.
MOB MEMBER 2: Burn the witch.

FRAUD: Oh, times up. My next appointment has just arrived for
anger management. (To the MOB.) How does the witch make you
feel?

51
FIEND: What?! No nervous breakdowns? No weeping? No cat

fights? This is getting dull; I need some entertainment. Where’s
the dysfunction? Ugh!
FIEND stomps off stage left and lights go out on stage.
ACT THREE, SCENE 5

SQUDGE AND LULU SPLIT
SETTING: Forest.
AT RISE: SQUDGE ad LULU enter stage right and sit down on a
stump for lunch. They each pull out a piece of bread, SQUDGE
tearing into his like an animal.
LULU: It's been days and we’ve only interrogated three people, not
counting the princesses. We aren't getting very far.
SQUDGE: These things take time, LuLu. Clearly, we’re dealing with
a criminal mastermind.
LULU: I'm not even sure there is such a thing around here. The
princesses, well, don't even get me started on them. We could
barely get Nork to understand one question you asked and if we
wouldn't have left the Witches when we did, you could be a sheep
by now.
SQUDGE: Don’t overreact! I mean… a bunny maybe, but a sheep is
way out of their league.
LULU: Look, we haven’t found any clues and there’s no evidence of
foul play... How do we know he didn't just get fed up with
everything and leave?
SQUDGE: (Gasps, appalled.) He is of royal blood and wouldn't do
such a thing! Why would someone who has everything they could
ever want throw all of it away? It's completely idiotic.
LULU: You have no idea what it is like to always have to meet such
high expectations.
SQUDGE: Oh, and you do? What expectations do people have for
you? To smell better than a dirty pig? (Smells.) And yet you can’t
quite reach that goal, can you?

52
LULU: What would you know? All you do is follow Prince Charming
around, waiting on him hand and foot! How hard can that be?
(LULU impersonates the PRINCE and mocks him.) “Squdge,
quick! Fetch me my royal mirror! I haven’t looked at my beautiful
self for at least a half and hour!”
SQUDGE: For your information, it can be very difficult. You need to
be very skilled to do what I do.
LULU: Skilled at what? Kissing royal rear? Please.
SQUDGE: I do not just follow him around. Prince Charming can be
very demanding at times. He needs constant attention. What do
you do that makes you so great? You don't need skills to sit
around, smell, and get in people's way.
LULU: I'd rather be in someone's way than let them stomp all over
me!
SQUDGE: What are you talking about?
LULU: Prince Charming. It's like you're his little lap dog. You look up
to him so much and do everything and anything he ever tells you
to do and for what? To be a knight one day? Please! He doesn't
care about you or anybody else, for that matter!
SQUDGE: Prince Charming and I are very good friends.
LULU: Friends? And as a friend, what has he ever done for you?
Does he ever repay you for everything you do? Or even say thank
you?
SQUDGE: It is my duty to do as he commands just like everyone
else.
LULU: So you are just going to do anything he tells you to without
expecting or wanting anything in return?
SQUDGE: I may want some things, but I wouldn't dare ask for them.
It's not my place. I will do my duty to the best of my abilities and
maybe one day he will deem me worthy to… reward me.
LULU: You know what? I’m done with this stupid excursion! You can
just find Prince Charming on your own!
SQUDGE: It's not like you were helping anyway!
LULU: Fine! Good luck failing. And you eat like a pig!
LULU walks away as SQUDGE looks at the bread in his hands. He

puts his head in his hands, quiet for a minute when he hears a noise
offstage.
53
PRINCE CHARMING: (Offstage, tied up with a gag in his mouth.)

Mmmm. Mmmm.
SQUDGE: Hello?
PRINCE CHARMING: Mmmm. Mmmm.
SQUDGE: Who's there? (Afraid.) I should warn you, I’m a really,
really tall guy... with a scary beard. And I… I have a sword… a
really sharp sword…
PRINCE CHARMING squirms onstage with his hands and feet tied
and his mouth gagged.
SQUDGE: (Runs over to PRINCE CHARMING.) Prince Charming!

Are you okay?
PRINCE CHARMING: Mmmm.
SQUDGE: Oh, right.
SQUDGE reaches to ungag PRINCE CHARMING'S mouth when

NORK starts to sneak up from behind SQUDGE.
PRINCE CHARMING: It, it was awful! He put me in a burlap sack, he

kept me in a dungeon with no windows, I was all alone.
SQUDGE: It sounds terrible, my lord.
PRINCE CHARMING: It was. The burlap was completely
unflattering, I’m losing my tan and it’s been days since I’ve had a
single compliment! (He then sees NORK sneaking up behind
SQUDGE.) Ahh! Ugly, hideous, disgusting!
SQUDGE: No, no, sir a little hair gel and you’ll be back to your old
self.
NORK comes up behind them and SQUDGE and NORK begin to

tussle.
NORK: Not so fast, your highness! I mean to get my kiss!

PRINCE and SQUDGE: What?!
NORK: She said she’d give me a big kiss if I caught you. Maybe I’ll
get two if I grab both of you!
PRINCE CHARMING: (Tries to squirm away.) Mmmm!
54
SQUDGE: Nork!
NORK grabs PRINCE and SQUDGE and exits stage right. LULU
enters stage left.
LULU: Squdge? Squdge? I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. I'll do

anything. Squdge? (Pause.) Squdge? Where are you? (She walks
around, hears Squdge scream in the distance. Confused, then bends
down and picks something up.) Bread crumbs… I’m coming Squdge!
She walks across the stage picking up bread crumbs as she follows
the trail offstage right. Lights go out and scene ends.
ACT THREE, SCENE 6

VILLAINESS REVEALED
SETTING: Forest.
AT RISE: NORK, SQUDGE, and the PRINCE are on stage. PRINCE
and SQUDGE are tied up and gagged. NORK is casually picking his
teeth or nose. LULU sneaks on from stage left and hides behind a
bush that is placed close to the captured PRINCE and SQUDGE.
LULU: Squdge! Squdge!! SQUDGE!!! (Starts to get teary.) I heard

your girlish scream.
CINDERELLA enters skipping from stage right.
CINDERELLA: It’s such a wonderful day! The birds are chirping and
I am loving life! (Sighs.) What a beautiful d–– (She sees NORK
and screams horribly, then starts to giggle.) well it was beautiful…
NORK chuckles and it makes CINDERELLA smile.
NORK: You’re so funny, Cinderella!

55
CINDERELLA: Oh thank you, Norky! I actually really wanted to come

and tell you what a great job you’ve been doing! You’ve kept my
little secret and you didn’t even let that brown-noser Squdge know
what I was doing! I’m really proud of you! (She gives him a huge
smile.) Now can I see my prince, Norky?
NORK: (Doofus laugh.) You’re so perdy!
CINDERELLA: Yes, Nork. The Prince?
NORK moves out of the way revealing PRINCE CHARMING and

SQUDGE tied at his back.
CINDERELLA: Oh! There he is! There is my prince! (She goes to

hug the PRINCE and stops when she sees SQUDGE.) Ah…
Nork… what is this? Wait… Squire Squdge?! NORK!!
NORK turns away and starts to whistle.
Nork what did you do? I said I wanted the Prince for myself. Not,
‘Nork will you please get the Prince, but oh yeah, make sure his
henchman that’s scouring the countryside to catch me is tied to his
back!’
NORK: I’m sorry! He was there and he was going to untie the
Prince––
CINDERELLA: I don’t care! When is it going to be my turn? Where’s
my happily ever after? You ruined everything! You are worthless
and lazy! Step-mother warned me not to use you! She said it was
a bad idea! She said you would mess it up! I... I… I… (Now full-out
sobbing.) Step-mother! Mo-o-oomm!
CINDERELLA runs off stage right balling. NORK also starts to cry but
tries to hide it. LULU goes to SQUDGE and unties him.
LULU: We’ve got to get you out of here. Do you know who her step-
mother is?!

56
NORK finally becomes aware of them, goes after them, falls over and
hits his head, SQUDGE and LULU just stare. CINDERELLA and
WICKY reenter from stage right. WICKY has her arm around
CINDERELLA.
WICKY: (To the captives as a spell.) Freeze! There, there darling, tell
me all about it!
CINDERELLA: He came and… (She starts to mumble the story.)
and I just wanted my prince!
WICKY: Cindy honey, I told you that Nork was a bad idea!
CINDERELLA: I know! I should have listened to you!
WICKY: Yes, you should have. But I’m still so proud of you. You’re
the only daughter I can count on to keep up the family legacy. So,
how about a little mother-daughter bonding time. Shall we rip their
hair out one by one, turn their insides into acid or ooo killer bees.
CINDERELLA looks disturbed. PRINCE CHARMING, SQUDGE, and

LULU look really scared.
Oh yes! I’ve got the perfect plan, Cindy! Simplicity is often the
best. We’ll kill them!
SQUDGE, LULU, and PRINCE CHARMING start yelling no and try to

persuade her not to kill them.
WICKY: Silence! I said quiet! Fine silencio!
PRINCE CHARMING, SQUDGE and LULU continue to move their

mouths, mutely begging for mercy.
CINDERELLA: Don’t you think killing is a bit too much… you know
like too far…? I mean it is a bit harsh, and having the Prince all to
myself would be a little less appealing if he was, you know, dead.
WICKY: I see your point, but they must be punished, nevertheless.
CINDERELLA: Hmm, why don’t we let him choose. You know force
him to have a hand in his own demise. A cruel little touch.
WICKY: I am so proud! (To SQUDGE.) Talkade (SQUDGE is now
un-muted.) What do you choose, Squire?
57
SQUDGE: I choose… I choose…

WICKY: What––is fill-in-the-blank too difficult, do you need multiple
choice options?
SQUDGE: I choose to fight you!
WICKY chuckles and the angry MOB runs on stage from stage right.
MOB: Fight?!
CINDERELLA: Oh man! Not these guys!
MOB: Look, we’re in therapy, but he said we can fight if we deem the
cause worthy and just.
MOB MEMBER 2: So who are the good guys?
SQUDGE, LULU, and the PRINCE raise their hands.
WICKY: Oh, no you don’t! Evilissa! (She turns half of the MOB evil
though she wanted all of it.) Argh! The girls were right; these
wands are defective! (Smacking her wand on her hand.) I wanted
all of you!
MOB MEMBER 1: So, who are the bad guys now?
CINDERELLA, NORK, WICKY, and half of the mob raise their hands.
MOB MEMBER 1: Right. Got it!
The whole scene turns to chaos. NORK takes his club and knocks
PRINCE CHARMING over the head, knocking him out. WICKY is
casting spells in every direction, but not hitting anything due to the
defective wand. WICKY and CINDERELLA end up back-to-back and
they make a plan to attack the charging LULU. They tackle her and
CINDERELLA holds her while WICKY puts the wand to her head.
She tries to scream for help, but she is still mute.
WICKY: You are done for!

CINDERELLA: No one can help you now!
WICKY: Not even your precious Squdge!

58
Both WICKY and CINDERELLA laugh maniacally. But just then,

BUFFY and MUFFY enter from stage left in pink, glittery good witch
costumes.
WICKY: What are you two doing here? And what are you wearing?!
BUFFY: We’re, uh, undercover.
MUFFY: Yeah we’re trying to sabotage the Fairy Godmother Guild.
WICKY: What? Girls this isn’t really the time, I’m a little busy for this
foolishness.
MUFFY: Oh yeah, here. Let us help.
WICKY tries to protest, but they cast their spell.
BUFFY and MUFFY: Freezaro!
The MOB immediately freezes where they stand. WICKY is

dumbfounded at her daughters’ success.
WICKY: What? It actually worked?

MUFFY: Yeah, like we were saying. We’ve been thinking a lot about
what you said.
BUFFY: About our future, and, after a lot of soul searching, we’ve
made the very adult decision to rededicate ourselves to… our
careers
WICKY: Really? I’m not quite sure I follow...
WICKY and CINDERELLA drop LULU and stare at the girls, as does
everyone else.
BUFFY: Here, Mum, take a seat. That’s it… good. How about
something to drink?
MUFFY: Yes, a drink is exactly what you need, Mum.
MUFFY takes out a small vile and hands it to WICKY. WICKY,

without asking questions, tips it to her mouth and drinks it. After she
finishes drinking it, she morphs into a good person.

59
MUFFY: That’s it. Drink it all. (She tips the vile back to make sure
WICKY has had every drop.)
WICKY: That was… refreshing. But I feel like, petting bunnies, or
catching butterflies... but not torturing them.
BUFFY: And how do you feel about dotting your “I”s with cute little
hearts?
WICKY: I think it’s adorable; I should do it more often. (Catching on.)
Wait. What? What did you two do?
MUFFY: Oh, just… the right thing!
WICKY gasps in horror.
BUFFY: Yeah… oh come on! Don’t give us that look! We’re sick of
being vile and we’re especially sick of wearing those ugly colors. I
love sparkles!
MUFFY: And glitter… tell her about the glitter!
BUFFY: And pink!
WICKY: Girls! What is going on?! What did you do to me?!
MUFFY and BUFFY: (To the MOB.) Peaceague and loveth!
The MOB instantly turns into a peace-loving group whose only goal in
life is to frolic through the meadow. The spell accidentally hits
SQUDGE as well, and LULU has to restrain SQUDGE from rushing
off into the forest to frolic with the rest of the MOB. WICKY sits down
and starts to cry.
WICKY: Why? Why, why, why! You’re ruining everything, girls. Why
would you do this to your own mother? Don’t you love me? After
everything we went through together, after all I taught you… you’re
just going to go off and throw it away for glitter and sparkles!
MUFFY: You’re forgetting the pink!
BUFFY: Look we talked it over, and we decided that we want to do
good things to the people living in this miserable black hole. And
besides, it’s a storybook! Haven’t you noticed that the bad guys
kind of always… lose?

60
WICKY: Fine… I knew deep-down that this would happen one day.
You never took to evil the way your stepsister did. But that doesn’t
matter. What matters is that you’ve stomped on my heart… you’re
doing exactly what I always taught you to do… making other
people miserable… even if that person is me… which makes me
oddly proud of you.
MUFFY: (To BUFFY.) Did she just say that she was PROUD of us?
WICKY: Exactly, my little toadstools. (Extending both arms to her
daughters.) Come. Let’s go home so I can have a nice, warm
bubble bath.
FIEND comes waltzing onto the stage left, the STORYTELLER enters
from stage right.
FIEND: Wait. Where’s the fight? They said there was a fight. Why is
everyone hugging? What’s going on?! Why are they wearing
glitter, bad guys don’t wear glitter! And why is Cinderella all ticked
off, she’s supposed to be all sweet and innocent.
STORYTELLER: Not exactly what you predicted is it?
WICKY, BUFFY, and MUFFY exit stage right. CINDERELLA, refusing

to give up on her plan, runs over to untie NORK.
CINDERELLA: Nork, Nork! Get off the ground you big oaf and help
me! We’ve got to stop the village idiot and the wench from saving
Prince Charming. He’s mine, I tell you, all mine! (Batting her eyes
at NORK, acting sweet.) Don’t you want me to be happy, Nork? I
do!
NORK: (Standing up and brushing himself off like a distinguished
gentleman.) Excuse me, where am I exactly? I’m sorry, young
ma’am. I seemed to have missed what you just said. Would you
mind repeating it?
FIEND: (Muttering.) Looks like somebody invested in a thesaurus…
STORYTELLER: I’ve heard of violent knocks to the head drastically
altering personalities. It would seem that the crude, thuggish brute
has been transformed into, well, a gentleman!

61
CINDERELLA: (Stomping her foot and acting like a brat.) Nork, you
big idiot! Prince Charming is mine and they’re going to try to take
him away from me. Now, (Pointing her finger at NORK’S face.)
you’d better make good on your part of the deal, Nork, if you want
your end of the bargain.
NORK: I’m so sorry, you seem to be upset, miss, but I’m feeling a bit
out-of-sorts due to the knock in the head. My dear princess, I’m
not so fuzzy that I don’t recall our contract. You said that if I
captured the airhead Prince for you, you would in return agree to
be my bride. Am I correct?
CINDERELLA: Honestly, I thought you were far too dimwitted to
remember that part of the deal.
NORK: Well, I remembered. So please, give me your hand and I will
escort you back to my bridge. (Offers CINDERELLA his hand.)
CINDERELLA: Eww! Get those ugly sausages out of my way. You
may act like a gentlemen, Nork, but I’m a lady… a lady that will not
be going with you!
NORK: I’m not THAT much of a gentlemen. What’s mine is mine, my
dear.
Before CINDERELLA can stop him, NORK grabs CINDERELLA and

hoist her up over his shoulder.
CINDERELLA: Put me down, you ogre! Where exactly is this bridge?

I refuse to be locked up somewhere while you go off gallivanting
with ogresses!
NORK: I wouldn’t dream of it, my love. You’re the only woman for
me; my one true love.
CINDERELLA: Wait… so you’re telling me that you would be all
mine? No sharing with other princesses?
He nods and she giggles.
So… do you work-out?
CINDERELLA and NORK exit off stage right.
STORYTELLER: Well that was…

62
FIEND: Bizarre? Disgusting? Revolting?

STORYTELLER: I was going to say unpredictable.
SQUDGE: And now to save the prince! Of course… it’s not much of
a fight.
PRINCE CHARMING: Squdge! What happened? (Unsheathes his
sword.) Where are all those foul beasts? Let me at them! They will
regret the day that they fought against the notorious, exceptionally
good-looking Prince Charming!
SQUDGE: It’s okay, Prince Charming. There is no need to fret! I,
Squire Squdge, have defeated the evil witches, overpowered the
entire mob, and triumphed over the brutish ogre!
PRINCE CHARMING: So I see, and for which I am eternally grateful.
But it wasn’t Squire Squdge that saved the day. It was the knight,
Sir Squdge.
PRINCE CHARMING: Kneel, Squdge. (SQUDGE kneels.) I… uh…
actually, I think I forgot the words to this whole knighting thing.
SQUDGE: WHAT?!
PRINCE CHARMING: Don’t worry, don’t worry. I will place this sharp
pointy sword on your shoulders, without cutting off your ears, and
it’s really shiny and I can see myself in it.
Distractedly uses sword as a makeshift mirror to look at himself.

SQUDGE clears his throat and he goes back to the knighting
ceremony.
I mean, for extreme courage and bravery in the face of… uh…
really bad guys, I doeth dubeth thee-eth Sireth Squdge…eth.
Knight of the Charming Kingdom. Do you vow to live by the Code
of Chivalry?
SQUDGE: I do.
PRINCE CHARMING: Do you swear to defend the righteous, serve
and protect the innocent, and vanquish the evil that may rampage
our kingdom?
SQUDGE: Until my dying breath.
PRINCE CHARMING: (Getting even more solemn.) Do you so swear
to never ever wear white after Labor Day… because it’s just
tacky?
SQUDGE: Never again, my lord.
63
PRINCE CHARMING: Then rise, Sir Squdge, Knight of the Charming

Kingdom.
Awkward pause. SQUDGE stands and PRINCE places his hands on

his shoulders.
Are there any questions you have for me? Anything you want to
inquire about? Our pension plan or…
SQUDGE: The damsels! Tell me about the damsels! (Eyeing LULU.)
PRINCE CHARMING: Ah, yes, the damsels! Do you have anyone in
mind, Sir Squdge?
SQUDGE presents LULU to PRINCE CHARMING, PRINCE

CHARMING is shocked to see that it is actually his sister, PRINCESS
LUCINDA, who went missing years ago.
PRINCE CHARMING: Lucinda? Is that really you?

SQUDGE: LUCINDIA?
LULU: Uh… hi, brother.
PRINCE CHARMING: Oh my… where on earth have you been,
Lucinda? Ugh… I’m guessing a horse manure pile? Either way,
you’ve had us worried sick! We all figured you went off and died in
a ditch, but here you are!
PRINCE CHARMING AND LULU hug.
What happened to you? Who took you? I will smite the fiend that
kidnapped you. He will rue the day that he ever stepped on the
bad side of Prince Charming for I…
LULU: Calm down, Charming. I have a confession to make. You
see… nobody actually kidnapped me.
PRINCE CHARMING: Then who am I supposed to punish?

64
LULU: Nobody. I ran away. It was just too much pressure. Do you
know how much my stress level had dropped since I ran away
from the castle? Now I’m free! I don’t have to worry about being
perfect and beautiful every single second of every single day. I can
do and dress and act however I please! (Getting upset.) And
now… now you’re going to take me back. This is my last day of
freedom, the last day…
LULU plops down on the ground and starts to cry. PRINCE

CHARMING walks away from LULU to give her time to regain her
composure. He goes over and talks to SQUDGE, who has been quiet
all this time.
PRINCE CHARMING: Hey, what’s your problem?

SQUDGE: I don’t have a problem!
PRINCE CHARMING: Take it easy. I’m just inquiring that you’re a
knight now! You should be happy and you’re, well… not.
SQUDGE: I never would have imagined that I’d be unhappy when I
was finally a knight… but I am. I thought, all this time that all I
needed was the title ‘Sir Squdge… Knight’, but my heart is still
empty and now I know what it truly longs for.
Looks longingly over at LULU, who’s still moping and, unattractively

wipes her nose and scratches her butt. SQUDGE sits down and
pouts. PRINCE CHARMING looks between the two.
PRINCE CHARMING: What… no! This isn’t supposed to happen.

This doesn’t happen in the story! Why is nobody swooning and
fawning over me. I’m rescued… and charming!
SQUDGE, LULU, and CHARMING are all sitting on the stage

ridiculously sobbing.
FIEND: Okay, so they saved the day, Squdge is a knight, Lulu and
Charming have been reunited… and they’re all crying?
STORYTELLER: I told you we’re very complex characters.
MUFFY and BUFFY enter from stage right.

65
MUFFY: Look at them, Buffy. It’s heartbreaking. I wish we could do

something to help.
BUFFY: We can! It’s our duty as fairy godmothers to help make their
dreams come true!
MUFFY: Oh I love our new career path!
MUFFY goes over to SQUDGE and BUFFY to LULU. PRINCE

CHARMING is still pouting in the middle of them.
MUFFY: Squdge, what is the problem?

SQUDGE: She’s a princess… and, though I am now a knight, I am
still not good enough for her.
MUFFY: What would you give up to be with her?
SQUDGE: Anything, anything at all!
MUFFY: Even your title as a knight?
SQUDGE: That and the shoes on my feet to be with her.
MUFFY: (Looking down at his shoes, which are gross.) Ok… but you
can keep your shoes.
BUFFY: And LuLu, would you be willing to resume the
responsibilities of your title as princess if you had the freedom to
choose your husband?
LULU: Of course!
BUFFY: Those responsibilities include personal hygiene… that
means cleaning under your nails, brushing your hair, and bathing
regularly.
LULU: I would do that and more to be with a man I love!
MUFFY and BUFFY present LULU and SQUDGE to each other.

LULU and SQUDGE take each other’s hands.
SQUDGE: (In complete awe.) What wonderful and glorious magic is

this?
BUFFY: The most wonderful and glorious magic there is… the magic
of true love.
MUFFY, BUFFY and STORYTELLER: Aww.
FIEND: Ewwww.
STORYTELLER: Aww.
66
FIEND: Ewwww.
STORYTELLER: Let’s leave them alone.
FIEND: Gladly!
FIEND and STORYTELLER exit stage left.
LULU: I can’t imagine anything more magical than spending my life

with the man before me… but… what if it IS just magic?
BUFFY: It’s a metaphor.
PRINCE CHARMING stands up as LULU and SQUDGE hug.
PRINCE CHARMING: I think I’m going to be sick.

SQUDGE: Would you, Princess Lucinda, marry such a man who no
longer holds the title of knight?
LULU: Of course I will. You don’t need the title of knight, because, by
my side, you’d be a prince.
The happy couple embraces, but the PRINCE pouts even more now,
and makes it well known with huffs and puffs until he gets their
attention.
PRINCE CHARMING: What about me?! I’m still charming and

wonderful. I’m still gorgeous and what have I gotten… nothing!
BUFFY: Umm, you just had your life saved.
PRINCE CHARMING: Oh, yeah, that was like ten minutes ago, big
deal.
BUFFY: Will you shut up if we give you a new outfit for the wedding?
PRINCE CHARMING: Yes… I will be charming… and stylish; I
suppose that will suffice.

67
ACT THREE, SCENE 7

WEDDING BANQUET
SETTING: Banquet area.
FIEND: (Walks onstage and says to audience.) Look at that people.

They are all going to live happily ever after. Looks like I was right.
STORYTELLER: (Walks onstage and points at FIEND.) Oh no you
weren’t. Not even close.
FIEND: (Pushes STORYTELLER’S finger away.) Yes I am. I said
they would live happily ever after and guess what… they did.
STORYTELLER: It’s a fairytale! Living happily ever after is a given,
but everything else you predicted was wrong.
FIEND: Oh, really?
STORYTELLER: Yes. First of all, it was not a damsel-in-distress who
was captured… it was the Prince.
PRINCE CHARMING walks onstage with SLEEPING BEAUTY and

SNOW WHITE on each side of him.
FIEND: I suppose you got me there. But he’s just as dimwitted and
flighty as any damsel.
PRINCE CHARMING: Hey! I may be flighty but I think we can all
agree that I am easily the most beautiful damsel in the land!
FIEND: Yes, of course. Your existence is truly a gift.
STORYTELLER: Second, it was a princess who was the culprit, with
the help of the ogre.
CINDERELLA and NORK walk onstage.
FIEND: I never said that wouldn’t happen.

STORYTELLER: True, but you didn’t say it would either. You said it
would be a nasty villain… and does Cinderella look like a nasty
villain to you?
FIEND: The ogre is a nasty villain.
STORYTELLER: I suppose you could say that… but Nork was not
the criminal mastermind here so just face it. You were wrong.
FIEND: Fine, but–– (Gets cut off.)
68
STORYTELLER: (Interrupts FIEND.) ––Third, it wasn’t some noble

hero who rescued Prince Charming. It was his stable boy
apprentice with the help of an idiot wench.
FIEND: Really though… I think we’re all trying to figure out how
those two pulled that rescue off...
STORYTELLER: And fourth, you never said the two little witches
would turn out to be the good guys in the end.
WICKY, BUFFY and MUFFY skip onstage.
Or that Wicky would turn into a good witch and finally bond with
her daughters. You know what that means… And they all lived…
FIEND: Wait, don’t say it! Snow White and Sleeping Beauty still have
to share Prince Charming.
SNOW WHITE and SLEEPING BEAUTY engage in a flirting battle

with the PRINCE in the middle.
That’s kind of creepy, not at all fairytale like!
RUMPEL enters looking ticked off.
Oh yeah and Rumpely here still eats babies, there’s nothing happy
about that!
RUMPEL: I. Do. Not. Eat. Babies! Children should be treated as
precious as treasure! I wouldn’t harm a hair on a baby’s head! I’ve
always wanted a big family and well, this seemed like the quickest
way to do it.
FIEND: With a personality like yours, you’re probably right, only a
lunatic or an idiot would marry you!
SNOW WHITE and all her DWARVES step forward.
SNOW WHITE: You, you like big families?
DWARVES all crowd creepily around RUMPEL, clearly invading his

personal space.

69
RUMPEL: Are these all yours?

SNOW WHITE: …And yours, if you’ll have us.
RUMPEL: Oh boy!
Picks SNOW WHITE up and they all cuddle around each other in the
background.
FIEND: Fine. That takes care of them but look how sad…
FIEND points to SLEEPING BEAUTY, who has discovered the

COFFEE BOY.
SLEEPING BEAUTY: (Very caffeinated.) Did you say free refills? I

just love coffee. Coffee, coffee, coffee. Hey you’re cute. What’s
your name? What time do you get off? Do you want to go out?
PRINCE CHARMING: What about me! Who do I have to worship
and adore me!
MUFFY: We can fix that! We’ll summon up your perfect match.
MUFFY pulls out a hand mirror and presents it to the PRINCE, who
takes it in awe.
BUFFY: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, meet the whiniest prince of all.
PRINCE CHARMING: (Gazing into the mirror, transfixed.) Well, hello
handsome!
FIEND: I give up. Fine. You win. I was totally wrong. What do you
want?
She whispers in her ear.
FIEND: What! No! I’m not saying that.

STORYTELLER: It was a bet and I won fair and square, so you have
to do what I say.
The angry MOB burst onto stage, while FIEND and STORYTELLER
bicker quietly.
MOB MEMBER 2: Burn the witch!

70
MOB MEMBER 3: No we’re not doing that anymore.

MOB MEMBER 2: Oh that’s right… umm… kiss the wench!
MOB: Kiss the wench!
Everyone cheers again and all characters interact with each other.
SQUDGE shyly closes his eyes and puckers up to kiss LULU on the
cheek. Instead, LULU flashes a wicked grin and throws her veil over
SQUDGE’S head, dipping him over the table and “laying one on him,”
SQUDGE’S limbs go flailing.
FIEND: But…
STORYTELLER: No buts, just do it…
FIEND: Fine. (Turns to face audience.) And they all lived happily
ever after. Again.
Lights out.
THE END

71
NOTES:

72
NOTES:

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AFTER HAPPILY

FREE PERUSAL DOWNLOADS WEEKLY

PERFORMANCE RIGHTS AND ROYALTY PAYMENTS: All amateur and stock

HEUER PUBLISHING LLC

AFTER HAPPILY EVER AFTER

STORYTELLER (f) .......................................... (68 lines)

BOY [OR GIRL] WITH DOUGHNUT (f/m) ... (2 lines)

ALL LINE COUNTS ARE APPROXIMATE

Heuer grants Stagefright photocopy rights for 1 copy.

Heuer grants Stagefright photocopy rights for 1 copy.

ACT ONE, SCENE 1

ACT ONE, SCENE 2

ACT ONE, SCENE 3

ACT TWO, SCENE 1

ACT TWO, SCENE 5

ACT TWO, SCENE 6

Heuer grants Stagefright photocopy rights for 1 copy.

ACT THREE, SCENE 1

ACT THREE, SCENE 2

ACT THREE, SCENE 3

ACT THREE, SCENE 5

ACT THREE, SCENE 6

ACT THREE, SCENE 7

Heuer grants Stagefright photocopy rights for 1 copy.

COSTUMES AND MAKE-UP

We encourage all companies performing this play to be creative; however,

PRINCESSES: CINDERELLA, SNOW WHITE, AND SLEEPING

LULU (ACT THREE, SCENE 7)

Heuer grants Stagefright photocopy rights for 1 copy.

BUFFY AND MUFFY

DWARFS, MOB, TOWNSPEOPLE, AND OTHER ROLES

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ACT ONE, SCENE 1

SETTING: Town square.

STORYTELLER: (Enters and stands stage right with a book in hand.

BOY WITH DONUT exits.

STORYTELLER: Anyway, welcome to the vacation village of the

Heuer grants Stagefright photocopy rights for 1 copy.

STORYTELLER: That’s not true, we’re completely different from our

DANCING GIRL enters stage right twirling and dancing with an

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STORYTELLER rolls eyes and exits stage left. FIEND turns to

Girl, have I got a pair of shoes for you!

RUMPELSTILTSKIN enters stage right.

PRINCE CHARMING rushes in from stage right.

PRINCE CHARMING: Damsel? Being ill-treated! (Storms towards

RUMPEL is then attacked by the PRINCE. On the ground, RUMPEL

FIEND: That was too easy. (FIEND exits stage left.)

Heuer grants Stagefright photocopy rights for 1 copy.

ACT ONE, SCENE 2

SETTING: Town square.

STORYTELLER: (Enters stage left.) Now that that’s done, welcome

PRINCE CHARMING enters stage left.

PRINCE CHARMING: …Scooped up his tears in my victory cup and

PRINCE continues to walk off stage right.

STORYTELLER: (To audience.) He means well, but not the brightest

PRINCE can be seen in the background talking to others, doing

SLEEPING BEAUTY enters in a flurry.

SLEEPING BEAUTY: I’m so full of energy and it’s such a beautiful

SLEEPING BEAUTY collapses like a sack of potatoes, fast asleep

STORYTELLER: Yeah, that “sleeping curse” is actually just a wicked

SLEEPING BEAUTY snores loudly.

STORYTELLER: Not nearly as cute in real life, is it? Enter princess