What is BDSM?

6 Essential Concepts For Beginners

 You're probably here because you've come across the term S&M and it freaks you out ... but not
enough to run away. There might even be a little curiosity budding under that sweet, vanilla
exterior. 

The good news ...

This world isn't as terrifying as some media has painted it (or as ridiculously unhealthy as 50
Shades has portrayed).  In fact, the world is SO LARGE, there's something in there for everyone.

 
KEY TERMS AND CONCEPTS

In short, S&M stands for Sadomasochism. But an answer like that is about as accurate as my
grade ten math exam and as satisfying as the series finale of Sopranos.

The better and more inclusive term?

BDSM = Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, Sadism & Masochism.

Heavy sounding words with an entire universe of confusion and judgment surrounding it. And it
does sound very dark.

 
You probably think of something like the black and white image of "Steppy Leather Lady".

And it's true.

 However, would you think of something like this image with "Cat Girl"?

This adorable, little kitten is into Pet Play. Scratching behind the ears,
stroking of the back, told she’s the cutest thing ever.

 Yep, sign me up now!

  

WHAT EACH TERM MEANS

 BONDAGE = being tied up or restrained for the purposes of erotic enjoyment, aesthetic
display, or somatosensory stimulation. This can include, rope, tape, stocking, ties, or anything
that renders the person immobile. 

And yes, the fuzzy pink handcuffs in the bottom of your draw count.

Next is...

DISCIPLINE = Using rules and punishments to control or correct behavior.

It might sound scary (like getting caught jerking off in a church by a nun ... or 10 of them), but
this can be exercised in any degree you can imagine -- but only in degrees you consent to.

Punishments are always discussed and agreed upon ahead of time. It can include: lectures,
physical pain, humiliation (e.g. standing in the corner, naked), psychological punishments, loss
of freedom (e.g. losing your computer or phone privileges)
“Since you can’t hold still, I’m going to have to tie you up.” or “Handwrite ‘I will not be late’
three hundred times.”

 Or, in m my case, "Do the multiplication table without a calculator or fingers ... or toes."

 Yeah? F-you.

 
DOMINANCE & SUBMISSION = The power exchange between two people. One having
control over the others actions.

It can be done over the phone, email, text, or in person. If you hear the word “Switch”, it means
the person goes both ways – dominant and submissive.

There are many reasons why people choose either role, but the exchange is to give BOTH parties
pleasure, not just one.

SADISM & MASOCHISM  = This is where we get the S&M (although SM or S/M is the more
commonly used acronym).

The pleasure derived from giving or receiving pain or humiliation. Not to be confused with the
other usage of someone with cruel intentions. Aka. Assholes. 

 DON'T SAY "I'M INTO BDSM"

It’s like saying, “I’m into sports”.

Okay. Fine. But which sport? 

 
You can like soccer, but loath hockey. You could have every Manchester United piece of sports
paraphernalia and play on a wannabe pro team, or you could just kick around some balls once a
month (which could also be deemed a BDSM activity, by the way). 

Someone might like many sports (and be well verse in all things related to their passion) but very
few people like ALL sports.

Where is this sports rant going?

Mirror that with the umbrella term of BDSM and all its subcultures,

What do you get?

 
ONE SIMPLE FACT: There’s no one “right” way to be kinky.  

People have to do what works for them and their partner and not push it onto others (you can
discuss, share, and disagree, but never push).

EXAMPLE: One girl could like being tied up but hate spanking while her friend is the opposite.
A dude could get off wearing his wife’s underwear and ball gag while cleaning the bathroom, but
only twice a year. You might like handcuffs, but not be interested in them after a few years.

It’s all okay.

Which brings us to the next important part...

 TERMS AND CONCEPTS TO KNOW

A. CONSENT
 

One cornerstone of any healthy, respectful BDSM encounter. It is “an informed, uncoerced,
enthusiastic, revocable permission for something to happen at or over the legal age of
consent.”

People agree to play whether through a formal contract, verbal agreement, or casual conversation
– it’s anything that clearly communicates they are aware of, educated on, and comfortable with
the terms set forth.

 
Hell, my man and I know each other so well, a wink will do.

There’s also the word “revocable”, meaning they can take back the consent (aka changing their
minds) and cease play at any time they want.

And just for fun ...

Here's an oldie but a goodie - something you probably watched in sex-ed class...

B. SAFE
 

Since BDSM walks into the realm of risky (in varying degrees) parties must be aware of and do
everything that can to avoid or minimize possible unwanted injuries, disease, or danger.

 Aka, you can hurt someone but not HURT someone.

To do this, one should research and understand the kink they’re about to explore.

EXAMPLE: What’s the cause of compression marks, rope burn, pinching, and bruising? Don’t
know? Don’t get into Shibari (Japanese rope bondage) without some serious homework.

YEP, a huge amount of your kink world will be...

 
... reading and learning.

There is also the  ALL HOLY, ALL POWERFUL, NON-NEGOTIABLE ...

SAFE WORD

What is this word people keep going on and ON about?

  

It's a special word or designated movement which communicates to the person controlling the
scene that there is a problem and play needs to immediately stop.

I know what  you're asking, "But why not just say "stop??"

You CAN. It's perfectly acceptable choice.

 But yep, you guessed it, there is a 'however" coming.

It needs to be something you normally wouldn’t scream in the middle of an intense

moment. If you're in a scenario where you want to say "stop" BUT DON'T REALLY WANT
THEM TO, then it's not a good choice - it will just confuse the shit out of your Dom/Domme.

Something like, “Pudding!” would be better.

A common choice is the traffic light system:

 green (keep going)

 yellow (getting near my limits)
 red (immediately stop)

  

If you want more ideas, or watch some giggle-worthy videos, take a look at:

"Good Safe Words and Interesting Uses in Media"

Keep in mind:

This rule doesn’t apply to only the “bottom” (someone giving up control). “Tops” are totally
within their rights to use safety words as well.

 
C. SANE
 

We're not talking about my friend's general consensus on my state of mind ... or lack thereof. 

It's having a healthy, sensible, and realistic frame of mind that is free from psychological
derangement (here's where my friends tend to laugh and say I'm excluded)  

But being 100% serious...

Stay away from the batshit crazy play partners and predators posing as Doms/Dommes.

Good partners act responsibly and exercise good judgment.

They have appropriate self-control and are respectful.

 
Since we’re dealing with power-exchange, and handing over large amounts of trust, making sane
(controlled) choices is paramount.

 The absence of SSC (forcing or pressuring someone to perform a sexual act that they are not
willing to do and doing something that can endanger them) is rape and/or abuse.

It makes me vomit in my mouth when people say (or even believe) that slapping the BDSM term
on abuse makes it okay.

Disgusting.

No.

Go to jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect your f*ing 200 dollars.

 
LEARN ABOUT LIMITS

I know it's a lot of info, but stay with me here.

 Limits are something you should talk about before you even agree to play.

 But there's not just one kind.

 There are ...

 Soft Limits – something a person is uncomfortable with, can be consented to but requires a
cautious approach

 “I’m willing to try anal beads, but we need to move really slowly and be prepared for a safety
word.”

 
Hard Limits – under no circumstances can the action be done, violating a hard limit is just
cause for ending a scene and sometimes a relationship.

“Under no circumstances can you slap me in the face or insult me.”

Requirement Limits aka Must Limits – something MUST happen in a scene/play.

 

“You need to give me lots of kisses.”

Time Limits – a set period of time which a scene or relationship (e.g. contract) will last.
 

"We will play for one hour, and one hour only."

"No" Limits – total power exchange, consensual non-consent (highly controversial in the
BDSM community).

 
5. GETTING INTO BDSM

It’s recommended you take your time and have LOTS of communication with your partner. It
won’t happen quickly.

If you’re lucky you’ll find someone you can talk to and confide in, but please make sure they are
they healthy kind of person to be around. If there is no one to talk to, don’t despair! There is
TONS of material on the internet and in books.

 
You can tiptoe into the shallow end of the pool by trying:

 Light spanking (very light)

 Light biting
 Tying up with fuzzy handcuffs
 Light orgasm denial
 Sexy/kinky clothing

The next part is where I get a bit ranty/preachy/whatever...

Read on if you want a funny story about a Japanese fetish party, or just skip to the end/

  

6. MISCONCEPTIONS & STIGMA

Society and, in a large part, media has misrepresented and painted these practices as something
dark, violent, and disturbed (like an episode of Law and Order: SVU) – that only those who were
abused or are bonkers like such things.

It’s a rather large injustice to a community that is full of wonderful, kind, open people.

We need to be careful not to pigeonhole people into categories based on single glimpse or a

thimbleful of knowledge about that person’s life.
 

Understand, it’s all measured in experience and perceived extremes.

One person might equate his lady donning a strap-on with an elephant-sized dildo as grounds for
divorce, while another could call it a normal Saturday night.

Even hair pulling, biting, and scratching nails down someone’s back during sex falls within the
BDSM realm – it’s just to the lighter side.

As long as it’s SCC between two (or three or four...) people, it’s really nobody else’s business.

 
For example: Story Time in Japan
I went to a fetish party in Japan and watched a girl being tied up by a Bakushi Master (Bondage
Master).

As he was pulling on the ropes, she started to bawl.

I mean, these were full on sobs as if someone just told her she had to repeat high school, Santa
wasn't real, and then kicked her puppy. My first instinct was that she was in trouble and the scene
should stop.

 I looked around the crowd of admirers.

 WTF. 

 Why no one was stepping in??

 As I was mentally preparing to step up and fight for the reputation of the BDSM community and
all things SSC, the girl’s boyfriend came up and tickled her – tears immediately ceased and she
let loose a howling laugh.

 It was immediately followed by a string of Japanese that loosely translated into, “Stop that,
you (add explicative here) !” She then looked up and the Bukushi Master gave a little smile and
asked him to continue.

 Tears started again.

 Yep, even for someone like me who adores BDSM and general kinkiness, there are moments of
self-evaluation, re-evaluation, and getting my head out of my ass.

 You’ve also heard the term “coming out” – it’s not only for the gay community. You can find it
in the BDSM world as well.

 Many people choose to keep their lifestyle a secret for fear of judgment or repercussions –
like losing your job because your boss thinks you’re going to whip out a flogger in the middle of
your business meeting (even though you haven’t in the five years of previous meetings). Some,
however, choose not to hide their preferences. This is also classified as coming out.

 One last
thing to keep in mind – you can try something and not like it. It’s just as okay as trying
something and loving it.

 Explore, try, and test. But above all, be SAFE!

..................