A short while ago I came across two small books; Donts for Husbands and Donts

for Wives, penned by Blanche Ebbutt in 1913 on the eve of the FirstWorld War. Each
of these pocket-sized books, written as guidelines for the perfect marriage,
contains snippets of entertaining advice for a happymarriage. They offer both
archaic and not-so-outdated tips on achievingmarital bliss.Ms Ebbut delivers her
advice with dry humour and a certain sense of comradery, like a motherly matron or
all-knowing nanny. Although someclaim that they were written purely for comic
effect, and many still considerthem amusing, one cannot fail to notice how some of
the advice given istimeless and could be considered as relevant today as ever. It
is alsointeresting how well some of its advice still holds up. Times have changed
andwe do like to think that married life has evolved over the last century, and
yet,and yet. many of the clichés offered up still have a genuine place within
amodern relationship.Tempting as it would be to dismiss these two books as just
another collectionof old-fashioned homilies designed to make us scoff at the
stiffness of Edwardian life, I am convinced that some eternal verities could be
found. Forthis reason I have decided to mine the choicest ones; my favourites,
andshare them with you, hoping that they will not only provide you with a
goodread but also with some useful advice. It is good to be reminded every
nowand then of even the most basic and simple things which we already know,with the
hope that we rediscover them and put them into practice in ourloving relationship.
As you read on. may God bless you.
Totaf

Dont increase the necessary work of the house by leaving all your thingslying
about in different places. If you are not tidy by nature, at least bethoughtful for
others.


Dont always refuse to go shopping with your wife. Of course its a nuisance,but
sometimes she honestly wants your advice, and you ought to be pleasedto give it.


Dont sit down to breakfast in your shirt-sleeves in hot weather on theground that
only your wife is present. She is a woman like any otherwoman. The courtesies you
give to womankind are her due, and she willappreciate them.


Dont take it out on your poor wife every time you have a headache or a cold.It
isnt her fault, and she has enough in nursing you, without having to put upwith
ill-humour into the bargain.


Dont let off steam on your wife every time anything goes wrong at theoffice,
in the garage or garden. Try to realize that she has nothing to do withit and it is
unfair to make her suffer for it.


Dont be too grave and solemn. Raise a bit of fun in the home now and then.


Dont keep all your best jokes for your men friends. Let your wife share them.


Dont look at things solely from a mans point of view. Put yourself in
yourwifes place and see how you would like some of the things she has to put
upwith.


Dont be conceited about your good looks. It is more than probable that noone but
yourself is aware of them; anyway, you are not responsible for them,and vanity in a
man is ridiculous.


Dont put on too much of the lord of creation air. It will only make you
lookabsurd.


Dont hang about the house all day if your occupation does not take you out.Dont
inflict your company on your wife during every minute of the day. Sheis fond of
you, but she wants to be free sometimes. And SHE has business todo, if you
havent.


Dont condescend or talk down to your wife; you are not the only person inthe
house with brains. She has as much intelligence as you.


Dont keep your wife in cotton-wool. She isnt wax  shes a woman.


Dont shelter her from every wind that blows. You will kill her soul that way,if
you save her body.


Dont omit to bring home an occasional bunch of flowers or a few chocolates.Your

wife will value even a penny bunch of violets for your thought of her.


Dont rush out of the house in such a hurry that you havent time to kiss
yourwife good-bye. She will grieve over the omission.


Dont belittle your wife before visitors. You may think it a joke to speak of
herfoolish foibles, but she will not easily forgive you.


Dont be careless about keeping promises made to your wife.



Dont hesitate to mention the fact when you think your wife looks especiallynice.
Your thinking so can give her no pleasure unless you speak out yourthought.

Dont forget your wifes birthday. Even if she doesnt want the whole worldto
know her age, she doesnt like YOU to forget.


Dont think that because you cant afford to buy an expensive present, it isbest
to take no notice at all. The smallest gift will be appreciated if promptedby love.

Dont sulk when things go wrong. If you cant help being vexed, say so, andget it
over.


Dont nag your wife. If she has burnt the meal or forgotten to sew on abutton,
she doesnt want to be told of it over and over again.


Dont tell your wife a lie about anything. There should be entire
confidencebetween you. If she once finds you out in a lie, she will not believe you
whenyou do speak the truth.


Dont think that it is no longer necessary to show your love for your wife, asshe
ought to know it by this time. A woman likes to be kissed and caressedand to
receive little lover-like attentions from her husband even when she isa
grandmother.


Dont think that because you and your wife married for love there will neverbe a
cloud in your sky. Neither of you is perfect, and you will have to learn toavoid
treading on each others corns.


Dont dwell on any lack of physical perfection in your wife.



Dont despise your wifes everyday qualities because she is not what theworld
would call brilliant.


Dont keep your wife outside your business interests. It is foolish to say thatshe
knows nothing about the business, and therefore it cant interest her.You will
often find that her fresh mind will see a way out of some littledifficulty that has
not occurred to you. No doubt you are a very clever fellow,and it is an education
for her to listen to you, but she also may have someviews worth mentioning.

Dont expect to understand every detail of the working of your wifes mind.
Awoman arrives at things by different ways, and it is useless to worry her
withWhy? does she think this or that.


Dont try to keep bad news from your wife. She will guess that something iswrong
and will worry far more than if you tell her straight out.


Dont allow the habit of silence at home to grow upon you. Some husbandsnever seem
to think it worthwhile to talk to their wives about anything,although if a friend
comes in, they will at once begin an animatedconversation.


Dont expect you can live your lives apart under the same roof and still behappy.
Marriage is a joint affair, and cannot comfortably be worked alongseparate lines.


Dont insist upon having the last word. If you know when to drop anargument, you
are a wise man.


Dont try to regulate every detail of your wifes life. Even your wife is
anindividual, and must be allowed some scope.


Dont expect your wife to hold the same views as yours on every
conceivablequestion. Some men like an echo, it is true, but it becomes very
wearisome intime.


Dont drop, when alone with your wife, the little courtesies you would offerother
women, or fail to treat her with due respect. For instance, always getup to open a
door for her, as you would a lady guest.


Dont try to drive your wife. You will find it much easier to lead her.


Dont chide your wife in public, whatever you may feel, but do it in private.


Dont be slow to give praise where praise is due. It will not only make yourwife
happier, but will even confirm your own good-humour; and good-humour is always
worth cultivating for its own sake.
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Dont flatter your wife. Unless she is very vain, she is sure to see through
you,and she will be more hurt than pleased. Praise where you can, but leaveflattery
alone.


Dont forget that actions speak louder than words. Its no use telling yourwife
how much you care for her if you do the very things that you know willmake her
unhappy.


Dont assume that it is always your wife who is wrong whenever you have
adifference of opinion. After all, you are not infallible.


Dont judge your wifes motives. She may do a thing from a motive thatwould never
occur to you, and be perfectly justified in her action.


Dont be reserved with your wife, however natural it is to you to be reservedwith

others. Be perfectly open and confiding in all your dealings with her. Shewill be
hurt if she is left to discover for herself something that she had a rightto expect
you to tell her.

Dont let ambition crowd out life. There ought to be room for both in yourlife,
but some men are so busy getting on that they have no time to showlove to their
wives.


Dont think you can soothe her wounded feelings with material gifts.


Dont start arguments about religion unless you and your wife can bothdiscuss the
matter quite impersonally. The bitterest quarrels sometimes arisefrom religious
discussion.


Dont make fun of your wife if she happens to make a little mistake.


Dont forget that it is the little things that count in married life. Avoid
trivial jealousies; trivial selfishness; tiny irritants; small outbursts of temper;
shortsarcastic comments. If you cant say something pleasant, learn to keep
silent.


Dont be jealous and insult your wife by trying to shut your wife away
fromother men.

Dont tease your wife about every pretty girl you meet, or dwell on thebeauty of
other women if you know your wife to be sensitive on the point.She may not be
jealous to begin with, but after a while she may begin tothink that there is
something in it.


Dont be continually telling your wife how lucky Charles is in having a wifewho
can cook such dainty dishes, or who can keep the house clean andspotless. You
cant expect her to relish having the good qualities of otherwomen rammed down her
throat.


Dont throw your mothers perfections at her head, or you neednt besurprised if
she suggests that you might as well return to your mothers wing.


Dont be jealous of your wifes girlfriends. If she wants to spend the day
withthem now and then, spare her with a good blessing. Dont let her feel thatyou
are a selfish tyrant.


Dont flirt with other women. Your wife will certainly despise you if you do.


Dont forget to trust your wife in everything. Trust her to the utmost, andyou
will rarely find your trust misplaced.


Dont spend the best years of your life in thinking of nothing but money-making.
Enjoy your life to the full with your wife, and relegate money-gettingto its proper
place  necessarily and important one, but not the only thing tobe thought of.

Dont let all the economizing be on your wifes side. Perhaps you could dowith a
little less of this and that, if you tried.


Dont run away with the idea that there is nothing to do in a house, and thatyour
wife should therefore never be busy or tired.


Dont grumble day after day at your wifes untidiness if you happen to be
amethodical man. It will be much easier, and will save friction, if you quietlyput
away the things she leaves lying about. Her untidiness may be aconstitutional
defect, and, if so, no amount of grumbling will cure it.

Dont be unsympathetic if your wifes worries seem to you to be trivial. Youcan

try to sweep all her trouble away with a little kindly sympathy, or you canmake it
worse by refusing to see that there is any trouble.


Dont be afraid of lending a hand in the house. It will do you no harm at all
tolearn some household chore.


Dont let your wife become merely a domestic machine. If she doesnt wantto
broaden her horizon, see that you do it for her.


Dont show your worst side at home. Let your wife have the benefit of yourbest
qualities.


Dont selfishly refuse to go out in the evening because you have beenamongst other
people all day. Remember that your wife hasnt and a changeis good for her.


Dont spend night after night at your club, leaving your wife alone at home.


Dont settle down into an old married man while you are still in the prime of
life. Take your wife out and about.


Dont say your wife wastes time reading, even if she reads only fiction. Aboveall
things dont put on the schoolmaster air. Rather let her pick her readingfor
herself; tastes differ.


Dont growl every time your wife invites anyone to the house. It takes quitehalf
her pleasure away to know that you think its a nuisance having peopleabout.


Dont be impatient or unsympathetic if your wife is sick. But, on the otherhand 



Dont pet your wife when her little finger aches until she imagines herself
amartyr to ill-health, when there is really nothing the matter with her.

Dont be continually worrying about your health. If you really feel ill, orsuspect
that anything is wrong, consult a doctor, instead of causing your wife

untold anxiety by throwing out vague suggestions as to what may be thematter with
you.


Dont grudge your wife new clothes because you havent noticed that sheneeds
them.


Dont refuse to listen to your wifes suggestions on matters of dress. Most of

the time women know what suits men better than men know themselves.


Dont take so little interest in your wifes dress that she might as well wear
apiece of old sackcloth as far as you are concerned. It is very discouraging to
awoman to find that her husband neither knows nor cares how she dresses.


Dont spend all your money on the garden, or some other thing, because it isyour
hobby, and leave none for the house if that happens to be your wifeshobby.


Dont let any hobby so overmaster you that you spend every minute on itwhen you
are at home, especially if it is something in which your wife cantake no part.


Dont separate your pursuits from your wifes more than is necessary.
Wherepossible; work, talk, and plan together.


Dont try to control your wifes church-going or non-church-going. Thequestion is

for her alone to decide, and you should leave her entirely free,whatever your own
views might be.


Dont always say to your children, Ask your mother, when you dont wantto be
bothered. It is conceivable that she doesnt either.


Dont be unreasonable in your demands on your wifes time during the child-
rearing years.


Dont leave your wife everything in connection with the education andupbringing of
the children. Discuss all points of difficulty with her, and cometo an agreement as
to the best way to act under given circumstances.

Dont think that there is any satisfactory substitute for love betweenhusband and
wife. Respect and esteem make a good foundation, but theywont do alone.


Dont think that because you have married for love, you can never know amoments
unhappiness. Life is not a bed of roses, but love will extract thethorns.


Dont lose heart when life seems hard. Look forward to the corner you arebound to
turn soon, and point it out to your husband.


Dont expect your husband to have all the feminine virtues as well as all
themasculine ones. There would be nothing left for you if you if your other half
were such a paragon. Dont worry about little fault in your husband whichmerely
amused you in your lover. If they were not important then, they arenot important
now. Besides, what about yours?


Dont expect your husband to be an angel. You would get very tired of him if he
were.


Dont tell all your women friends of your husbands faults, neither din
hisperfections into the ears of every women you meet.


Dont expect a man to see everything from a womens point of view. Tryputting
yourself in his place for a change.

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Dont advise your husband on subjects of which you are, if anything, rathermore
ignorant than he.


Dont try to model your husband on some other womens husband. Let himbe himself
and make the best of him.


Dont be too serious and heavy at home. Make things bright for yourhusband.


Dont vegetate as you grow older if you happen to live in the country. Keepboth
brain and body on the move. There is no need to stagnate


Dont omit to pay your husband an occasional compliment.



Dont say I told you so, to your husband, however much you feel temptedto. It
does no good, and he will be grateful to you for not saying it.


Dont expect your husband to make you happy while you are simply a passiveagent.
Do your best to make him happy and you will find happiness yourself.

Dont nag your husband. If he wont carry out your wishes for love of you,
hecertainly wont because you nag him.


Dont sulk with your husband. If he has annoyed you about something, get itoff
your chest.


Dont expect all the give to be on his side, and all the take on yours.


Dont argue with a stubborn husband. Drop the matter before argumentleads to
temper. You can generally gain your point in some other way.


Dont manage your husband too visibly. Of course, he may require the
mostcareful management, but you dont want your friends to think of him as ahen-
pecked husband. Above all, never let him think you manage him.


Dont wash your dirty linen in public, or even before your most intimatefriends.
If there are certain disagreeable matters to discuss, take care todiscuss them in
complete privacy.


Dont be shy of showing your love. Dont expect him to take it for granted.
Aplayful caress as you pass, an unexpected touch on the shoulder, makes all

the difference between merely

knowing
that you care for him and actually
feeling
it.


Dont go to sleep feeling cross with your husband. If he has annoyed youduring the
evening, forgive him and close your eyes at peace with him. Letnot the sun go down
upon your wrath is a very good motto.


Dont return to an old grievance. Once the matter has been thrashed out, letit be
forgotten, or at least never allude to it again.


Dont be too proud to give way about trifles. When a principle is at stake, it isa
different matter, but most matrimonial differences arise from trifles.


Dont say bitter things when you are angry. They not only sting at the time,but
they eat their way in and are remembered long after you have forgottenthem.


Dont keep your sweetest smiles and your best manners for outsiders; letyour
husband come first.


Dont think money makes happiness. It helps to procure comfort, but truehappiness
lies deeper than that.


Dont spend all the best years of your life pinching and saving
unnecessarily,until you are too old to get any pleasure out of your money.


Dont pile up money for your children. Give them the best educationpossible, and
let them make their own way.


Dont omit the kiss of greeting. It cheers a man when he is tired to feel thathis
wife is glad to see him home.


Dont spend all your time with the children, and leave none over for yourhusband.


Dont tell your husband of every petty annoyance and pin-prick you havesuffered
from during the day; but do tell him of your real troubles; heexpects to share
them, and his advice may help you. In any case, his empathywill halve the trouble.

Dont forget the anniversary of your wedding. Keep it up. The littlecelebration
will draw you closer together year by year.


Dont expect your husband to always share your recreations while you refuseto
share his.


Dont let your husband feel that you are constantly criticizing everything hedoes.
Leave the role of critic to others. This does not mean that you are notto give
friendly criticism. There is a happy medium between constant carpingand fulsome
flattery which you should seek.


Dont take your husband on a laborious shopping expedition, and expect himto
remain good-tempered throughout.


Dont impose your ideas on your husband in matter of individual taste solong as
his style is not bad. He has right to his own views.


Dont keep the house so tidy that your husband is afraid to leave anewspaper lying
about.


Dont quarrel with your husbands relatives. If you cant get on with them,dont
ask them to visit you, but persuade your husband to visit themoccasionally. As a
rule, however, a little tact and patience will carry you overthe thin ice.


Dont snub your husband. Nothing is more unpleasant for lookers-on than tohear a
snub administered by a wife, and it is more than unpleasant; it isdegrading.


Dont allow outsiders to interfere in your household management. Evenmothers

should lie low, but


Dont refuse to listen to good advice from people of experience, and actupon it if
you can.


Dont try to excite your husbands jealousy by flirting with other men. Youmay
succeed better than you want to. It is like playing with tigers and edgedtools and
volcanoes all in one.

Dont be jealous, anyway. It belittles you, puts you at a disadvantage, and, if

your husband thinks about it, is apt to make him unbearably conceited.


Dont be everlastingly trying to change your husbands habits, unless they

areVERY bad ones. Take him as you find him, and leave him at peace.


Dont get angry if your husband says that he never now tastes cake like thathis
mother used to make. Ask her for the recipe.