Bitter Sweet Strawberry Milkshake

By Danielle Akutagawa

A lot can happen within 10 years, many things could change. It can be an infrastructure,
government officials, students, attitude, personality and even a person’s point of view. Change is
powerful yet it brings about doubt to many people who is not yet ready for change.

Café Etrangier – the most famous café that lies within the busy streets of Shinjuku ward in
Tokyo, Japan. It is almost time for fall season, people are supposed to be sipping on hot ramen
soups by now but here they are in this cool place, washing their veins with cold strawberry
milkshake, the bestselling product of the best café in town. And among the many excited
customers waiting in line to get their fancied product is Hosokawa Yuki, once a student and now
a full-pledged company employee. To be honest, Yuki is not really fond of sweets however, the
strawberry milkshake in Café Etrangier is an exception. Letting his mind wander here and there
while savoring the melody of the song Coral Reef performed by ZIZZ, this is definitely the
weekend Yuki had wished for after busy week from work not until…

“Yuki?”

The voice, it sounded so familiar yet so different at the same, it has his hazel-brown eyes
widening in shock. His heart pumping painfully against his rib cage as if he’d just ran around the
whole city of Shinjuku, it felt as if he could not even breathe properly. Yuki knows who it is;
because God can tell that, that voice he had longed to hear for years and no matter how many
years passed, how hard he tried to forget that deep yet gentle tone, he could never forget the
owner of this voice.

The café’s atmosphere is cozy, there is a low volume of a slow instrumental music playing in the
background. It is an instrumental of a violin and piano, a low murmur of voices gossiping and
telling stories of various things could be heard but that’s all there is to it. His hands that were
hidden in his pocket now started trembling, he feels cold. It looked as if a pail of cold water was
splashed to him in the middle of the approaching winter season. After 10 years had passed, Ivan
Ranashinha still had that effect on him; Ivan have always been able to make him, the always
calm but self-assured and sometimes childish Japanese, so nervous. From all the people Yuki had
cross-paths with, Ivan is the only person who had him blush as red as tomato, had reduce him to
a bundle of nerves. This foreigner is the only person who were able to break his composure, as
he slowly turns, Yuki’s eyes rested upon Ivan’s fine-built figure.

Oh God… he is still beautiful

It is really Ivan and even after that 10 years of being apart it still all feels the same, it still feels
like the first time they met by accident in the same exact place, in the same exact time and
season. Nostalgia is breaking its way with full force, Yuki almost lost his voice from the shock.
Ivan is standing in front of him and this is definitely not a dream, for years he spent sleepless and
cold nights only to be comforted with the warmth of the memories Ivan left to him. Ivan’s smile,
the taste of his lips, the hotness of his whispers and kisses are the things that served as Yuki’s
refuge from the eyes and opinions of inhuman thoughts. For a moment, he thought that maybe
the past was just passing by, maybe the heart-break from 10 years ago were nothing other than a
particle of the thing called imagination and Ivan would come back running back into his arms,
feel the in-synch beating of their hearts as they hug and feel each other’s lips with open-mouth
kisses.

But no, Yuki’s imaginations are simply just imaginations. The painful memories of the past is
real and they still continued hurting the Japanese’s heart. Yuki forced a smile when he met with
Ivan’s blue eyes. The color that reminds him of the sea and up until now, it is the only thing that
could calm him down whenever doubts would surge like a tidal wave. Even if simply
remembering its color at the back of his head when it’s buried deep within the memories of his
past, those blue eyes can still calm Yuki and have him to look forward, and walk towards the
future. Yuki knows that he has to say something, “Hey, you’re still handsome,” is maybe what he
would like to say but he chose to shut his thoughts. Ivan’s blue eyes is so calm just like water in
the sea during mid-summer’s day, Yuki stared in awe when Ivan ran his fingers along his honey-
blond wavy hair. The lad kept it in medium length for 10 years, knowing that that was the length
Yuki love the most about him. Ivan smiled, God… Yuki fell again for that damn foreigner. The
black-haired Japanese’s lips that once traced and searched Ivan’s body pulled into a grin. Ivan
actually sees through Yuki, his ex-lover was and have always been easy to read. It was because
of it that he was able to break all of Yuki’s facades in the past.
“Hey!” Yuki exclaimed, not hiding the shock that tinges his voice. Ivan laughed and run up
towards him, like what any bestfriends would do after not seeing each other for weeks, months or
maybe even years. Ivan hugged Yuki so casually as if nothing happened in the past. His long
arms wrapped around Yuki’s smaller figure, he felt how Ivan inhaled in his scent something Ivan
hadn’t done for years. Yuki hugged the foreigner back, it had the effect of not wanting to let go,
the kind of feeling where it seemed like he doesn’t want to lose him again.

“It’s been so long, yeah?” Ivan buried his face in the crook of Yuki’s neck making him feel his
warm breath, voice muffled. Damn… really, after 10 years Ivan still had this effect on him. Their
hearts are close again to each other, it felt so unreal it is making his head spin. Yuki could feel
his blood rushing through his cheeks. He felt embarrassed as his composure starts to break down
again in front of this person.

“I know!” Yuki exclaimed. There was a fake smile painted on his face when Ivan pulled away.
Oh how Ivan missed Yuki’s figure and before he could think of what he was doing, Ivan gently
caressed Yuki’s cheeks. The back of his finger gently grazing that soft, rosy cheeks he hadn’t
touch for the years that passed. Yuki leaned from Ivan’s touch and even though assuming that it
was probably just a subconscious reaction, it took Ivan by surprise. Yuki’s eyes widen when
realization hits him so he pulled away from Ivan’s touch making the other male feel an inch of
disappointment. Yuki’s eyes felt distant enough for Ivan to feel it. This self-assured man who
once moaned and beg him for more is somehow acting hostile towards him. Ivan felt like his
heart is being ripped into shreds, he knows that his touch brought back millions of buried
memories into Yuki’s heart. Like how Yuki cried in pain during their first night worshipping
each other’s body, how they spent a summer’s day and cold winter nights naked feeling each
other’s skin and how this very same man hold in his tears when Ivan told him that he is going
back to England due to family matters.

“About 10 years now, right?” Ivan asked, the distant look from Yuki’s eyes gone when the latter
gave him a toothy smile. Ivan can tell that that smile he just got is not a genuine one, Yuki tried
to let out a giggle but it come out bitter.

“Yeah…” Yuki nodded. “You look great.”

“My half-brother owned a gym so I go there every after work hours. I have free premium
membership, can’t have it go to waste. But anyway, thanks... You… you really look good too.
Still spend hours trying to figure out what perfume scent to wear?” Ivan teased, but the blush on
Yuki’s cheeks only worsen. Ivan knows very well that Yuki is a lover and fan of perfume, he
cannot even leave the house without putting on perfume.

“I’d rather eat wasabi than leave my house without putting on or wearing any perfume.” Yuki
pouted, earning a chuckle from Ivan. The reality’s too good Yuki can’t help but smile. Ivan
wanted to ask so many things; do you still think of me whenever you stare at the night sky,
figuring which star shines the brightest or which star points to the North Pole? Was there a night
where you thought of me lusting over you and suddenly got aroused? Because I did. I dreamt of
you riding me, your lust-filled voice calling my name loud. I woke up in the middle of the night,
masturbated while thinking of your face.

But, maybe not. He won’t ask because deep down Ivan was afraid the answer was going to be
no, and false hope is way better than rejection. Before Ivan could muster a word to say, the
server from the counter called Yuki’s name. He gestured for Yuki to go get his order and Ivan
point on the table where he is supposed to sit before seeing him. After quickly grabbing his
strawberry milkshake, Yuki head towards the table where Ivan is seated while enjoying the same
flavor of milkshake – strawberry milkshake. Ivan offered the empty chair in front of him to Yuki
to which the male gladly accepts.

Sitting there in silence made Yuki kind of uncomfortable and his hesitance to make a noise
brings Ivan out of his reverie.

“So… uhm, how have you been? It’s kind of surreal seeing you back here in Japan.”

Ivan wanted to shout that after all the years that had passed he wasn’t fine, he was never better,
that his family after threatening him would actually set him up for an arrange marriage which
later on led to annulment, that he was on the verge of depression and it was only the memory of
Yuki’s smiling face that saved him after all this time. Because despite being married, all he could
ever think about is Yuki. It sounds impossible but the person Ivan would want to marry is Yuki,
no one else. But this is another thing Ivan can’t bring himself to do.
“I thought of unwinding… when I was in London I have no escape from work unlike when I was
here in Japan, working as a photographer is way more better than living my life as company
CEO. And it was a stubborn will visiting the milkshake bar, because I know for sure that if I
were to visit it, I would surely see you…”

Yuki wanted to ask why but he cannot. He wants to act distant as much as possible, as if he has
forgotten about Ivan and had moved on from him. They shared a lot of memories at Café
Etrangier, and both of them are having a hard time forgetting those memories. Ivan looked at
Yuki and he knows that he is hiding pain, but Yuki’s never been good at masking his emotions.

“Does Asahi knows that you are visiting for a vacation?”

Asahi is both Ivan and Yuki’s mutual friend, their bridge to becoming lovers 10 years ago. He
was also a co-worker of Ivan, a bestfriend of Yuki, and a professional nude model who is
sometimes the subject of Ivan’s photos.

“Nope, he doesn’t know. He’s probably playing with fire right now so it’s okay not to tell him
anything…”

“I bet he’ll be happy to see you. Asahi always says that you are the best photographer he had
ever known.”

“Are you happy to see me?” it was as if matching the mood of their conversation Bon Jovi’s Bed
of Roses was suddenly played inside the cafe. Its low in volume but one native Japanese could
tell that it is a foreign language. There was no sign of regret present in Ivan’s face when he asked
the question, but Yuki was surprised. His pinkish lips let go of the straw of his drink, his mind
fighting whether the answer should be yes, and no or just complete silence. Once again, Yuki felt
as if he’s going to have an emotional breakdown in front of this person. Ivan just wants Yuki to
put down the sloppy barrier he had built, and just let him in once again.

“I’m happy seeing you again after 10 years… I do,” Yuki murmured, staring to Ivan’s eyes,
different emotions starts swimming in his eyes. “But… it hurts, after all that years I’m still
hurting. When you cut off all connections with me, even going to the point of blocking me to
your contacts, suddenly I received a call from Asahi telling me that you are going to get married.
For months I wondered, was that the reason you came back to London and decided to split with
me? You didn’t gave me a clear reason why you would go back there. You just said plain family
matters. That’s all then you left and cut all connections you have with me. And for years I also
wondered, is it just too easy for people to throw me away? You could’ve just tell me that you’ve
gotten tired of me and wanted to get married, I would understand it. But doing that…”

Raw honesty was like poison in his words and eyes, when swallowing all the tears that wants to
break free became hard, Yuki gave in and cried as silent as possible to not disturb the other
customers enjoying their drinks in the store. Like a bullet, guilt shot Ivan’s chest. Yuki’s words
kept firing like a machine gun would. Ivan, unsure of what to do, hold Yuki’s cold and trembling
hands. Just by seeing Yuki cry another part of Ivan is breaking down into pieces like a fragile
glass shattering.

“I’m sorry… I’m very sorry, Yuki. But it wasn’t like that… my family threatened me that they’d
kill you if I won’t come back home and split with you. I just wanted to protect you.” His
knowledge in speaking Nihongo did not decreased. Ivan still have the proper accent and diction
that’s alike to that of a native speaker, Yuki taught him well. Yuki tried to wipe his tears away
and when Ivan lift his face by his chin, there are still unshed tears in his eyes. Yuki wiped it
away again but they just kept on coming and it made Ivan to keep on hating himself for what he
has done.

“It’s been 10 years I shouldn’t be crying…” even though in pure pain, Yuki let out a bitter laugh.
“I tried so hard to forget you but I just can’t.”

“Neither can I,” in 10 years this is the first time Ivan heard himself speak of honesty again. He
had to live those 10 years telling lies like a nursery rhyme. His emotions are slowly overtaking
him and soon, he won’t be able to control them later. “I was lost for these past 10 years without
you. I thought maybe… maybe agreeing on the arrange marriage could help make the pain to go
away. So I went for it, but every time I would still be reminded of you. It is only you that I need
to be by my side, Yuki.”

“You still think about us? About me?” Yuki’s voice cracked from crying too much, but there was
a hint of hidden hope yet still broken.
“Every second, I do…” really, these are the most honest words Ivan had said for the past years,
words he hadn’t spoken in a very long time, words that he buried deep within his suppressed
sadness, memories and love for the person he chose to be with.

Yuki stared into the blue eyes of the man he loved and longed for so much so long ago, every
thought and feelings storms in him like a flood caused by a storm, and to Ivan’s surprise Yuki
abruptly stand, strawberry milkshake abandoned like an unwanted cat in a box as more tears fall.

“I’m sorry... I… I need to go.” Yuki barely got the words out before choking a large sob, quickly
rushing out of the shop. Ivan’s mind couldn’t register what was happening. He dashes after Yuki,
cold air slapping against his natural pale face as he exits the café. He called out Yuki’s name but
he won’t listen. Ivan’s heart is pounding abnormally because after all these years he thought he
might be able to have Yuki again after a half-assed reason that his motive in going back in Japan
is to unwind when in truth it was to make Yuki his again. Ivan couldn’t complain, Yuki really is
a fast-runner. When his lungs protested for more oxygen, when he knows that he couldn’t catch
up after Yuki anymore, when his legs felt tired and his feet hurts, when uncertainty is whispering
again like a demon during devil’s hour Ivan thought that it is now or never. Like a do or die
game match.

“I LOVE YOU, YUKI!” gathering all the oxygen that’s left in him before finally stopping from
chasing Yuki, Ivan crouched so bad trying to catch all the air he spent from running to the point
that it caught the attention of the street passersby walking along the streets of Shinjuku. It was
not in vain when Yuki stopped from running. His sobs mixed with wanting to inhale oxygen,
when Yuki saw the state Ivan is in, he casted away all the uncertainty he had felt and lived with
for the past 10 years. They had run pretty far, they are almost near at the train station. Without
thinking a single thought he ran back to where Ivan is, in front of a stationary shop where some
people have gathered, one of them is fanning Ivan while the other offered a bottle of cold water
that was bought from the nearby vending machine. The mob stepped aside when they noticed
Yuki’s presence, Yuki couldn’t tell what was sweat and tears when he Ivan lifted his head. His
eyes were red, he was probably crying while he was chasing him.

Yuki knelt down and to Ivan’s surprise, pulled him into a hug. Yuki buried his face to Ivan’s
built and firm chest while the latter doesn’t pay any attention to Yuki’s warm tears when Ivan
too, buried his face into Yuki’s neck, hugging him back.
“I love you. I still do. I always will. I already lost you once and I’d rather die than struggle on
without you if I lose you again, Yuki. I know it won’t be easy and it’s going to take months or
years again for ‘us’ to work again but nevertheless, I still want to try again. Your name is my
favorite song, and you calling my name is my favorite melody. I know I’m gonna fuck up again
and again and again because that’s just how I am, but dammit!” Ivan’s scream came in muffled.
“You are the only person who’s ever accepted every part of me, the only person who’s ever
accepted my flaws. I only need you by my side. I only want you by my side. I know that our
future together will always be filled with uncertainty but I will assure you that I will never leave
you again. I will never lose you again.”

Yuki pulled away and looked up at Ivan’s crying state, red eyes, flushed cheeks, lips parted and
eyes swirling with love, fear and anxiety. But this is why Yuki still loved Ivan, this man was
always honest and he will always be. He just have a twisted and unreasonable way of solving
things but nonetheless, Ivan will always be honest when dealing with Yuki. Even if the future
remains uncertain, even if it hurts, as long as they are together it is worth the pain.

“Yuki… can I kiss you?”

Before Yuki could utter a word, Ivan’s lips crashed against his pulling him into a deep kiss.

A lot can happen within 10 years, many things could change. But for two people who is destined
to be together no matter what the circumstances is, years of being apart is just a number. From
here onwards, they will lots of time to make up for all the years they spent of not being together.
Thought the future for the likes of them look uncertain, as long as they are together uncertainty
will just remain as a word and will never become their emotion.