Mikayla Stettler

Interpersonal Communication
Keith Radley
December 7, 2020
Personal Change Final Report
Overview
Earlier this semester, I set the goal in place to become a more present and active
listener. I would jump to conclusions and zone out of conversations. I set into place four
strategies in order to improve my listening skills: taking time to get to know someone’s
background, asking questions while sharing information about myself, being better at adapting
to be the type of listener someone needs, and using the time in conversations when I would
zone out to summarize what the speaker is saying. I ran into some constraints that I had to
learn to overcome regarding one or a few of the strategies at a time; however, I also learned
that adapting to each situation helped me to overcome those constraints and move forward. As
of right now, I’m off to a good start, but one day I may change what theory I use, depending on
what I’m doing at that time.

Unwanted Communication Pattern

My goal to improve my communication was to learn how to be a more present, active
listener instead of assuming things/jumping to conclusions by practicing a few good
communication strategies (to slow down, redesign my use of conversation time, and adapt my
listening style) implemented over a period of time and consistently practiced.
I jump to conclusions instead of hearing what the person is actually saying. Because I do
that, at times I will start to think of what I’ll respond with, so the next thing they say goes in one
ear and out the other. That is what has also led to the habit of zoning out and not actively
listening to the other person. By improving, I will be able to more effectively listen, answer, and
understand where the other person is coming from and what their needs are [ CITATION Dan19 \l
1033 ].

In high school, it was more than common for me to zone out in class. At that time, I
didn’t see it as a problem, because I could ask someone to fill me in or I could fill in what I
missed without much outside help. My problem was that it wasn’t just for school and classes, it
also included extracurricular activities, like cross country. My coach was very strict when it
came to bus loading time and making sure we knew information without him having to repeat it
more than twice. I got distracted with thinking about what things to prep for, for the upcoming
meet, when my coach was talking about meeting times and bus departure for it. With him
talking to about 40 teenagers, my distractedness went unnoticed. Once I zoned back in to the
conversation, I realized it was too late and I missed all the important information my coach had
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just shared. In addition, it was just my luck that my brother, who was also on the team, missed
everything coach said as well. The consequence of asking coach to repeat what he said was
something like 50 burpees or 100 pushups. I had to ask around, making sure the team captains
didn’t hear me asking either, until I got the information I missed. This experience brought me
closer to some of my teammates, because they had been in my position before and we related
on that level. However, on a negative level, it could’ve affected my relationship with my coach
and my team in general if I had needed to my coach to repeat the information. There would’ve
been an unpleasant consequence if I had made the choice to ask for the information.
Another, more recent, time that I wasn’t an active listener was this past week. I speak
Spanish, and I was talking with a friend. However, it can be very tiring to speak another
language, and so it was easy for me to zone out. A bad habit that I gained when learning to
speak the language was knowing how to respond (laughing, smiling, shaking my head, etc.)
even when I didn’t understand the words. I found myself doing exactly that as he was telling me
a story. I laughed at something and as soon as I did, I realized I had absolutely no idea what he
was talking about, but I know that I was giving the right reaction. The consequence to this was
me having to get back on track to understand what my friend had been talking about and trying
not to completely embarrass myself in the process of doing so. It would’ve been so much better
and easier if I had taken the time to summarize what he was saying rather than zone out and
stay zoned out [CITATION Ste17 \p 124 \l 1033 ].
This pattern of listening has proved to be ineffective because of the different rates at
which people speak and listen. Steven A. Beebe writes:
The average person speaks at a rate of 125 words a minute. Some folks talk a bit faster,
others more slowly. In contrast, you have the ability to process up to 600 or 800 words a
minute. The difference between your mental ability to handle words and the speed at
which they arrive at your cortical centers can cause trouble, allowing you time to
daydream and to tune the speaker in and out while giving you the illusion that you are
concentrating more attentively than you actually are [CITATION Ste17 \p 124 \n \t \l
1033 ].

During the entire conversation, the listener might appear to be actively listening, but because
of the difference of the rate of speaking/listening, they might not be. Because this is happening
without the knowledge of the speaker, it can be a difficult thing to correct. It comes down to
the listener to recognize this habit and take the required measures to correct it.

Strategies
1. Instead of assuming similarities and differences, I’ll take the time to get to know and
understand the other person’s background and cultural beliefs before making an
opinion [CITATION Ste17 \p 100 \l 1033 ].
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There are many factors that play in creating a first impression of someone. These include things
from appearance, behavior, and even things that have been heard about that person [ CITATION
Ste17 \l 1033 ]. Our impressions of others is also based on who we individually are. Because of
where and how I was raised, I have my own opinions about others, and based on their ethnicity
or culture background, my impression of them is influenced by my view of those things. As
Steven A. Beebe said about making assumptions, “it encompasses your own ideas and
expectations that influence how you make guesses about others’ personalities” [CITATION
Ste17 \p 66 \n \t \l 1033 ]. So even if we’re misinformed about something, that incorrect idea
can influence how we see and understand others.

2. I’ll ask questions that allow me to further my understanding of another person while
sharing some information about myself, then asking follow up questions based on their
answers[CITATION Ste17 \p 104 \l 1033 ].

It can be difficult to learn how to communicate with others, especially when both parties come
from different backgrounds. This goes hand in hand with the first strategy listed. There’s only so
much research one can do before interacting with someone in-person. However, what better
way is there to learn than asking someone firsthand for the answers to your questions about
differences? “Seeking information helps us manage the uncertainty and anxiety we may feel
when we interact with people who are different from us [CITATION Ste17 \p 103 \l 1033 ]. It goes
on to say that part of the reason we may feel that anxiety when interacting with people is
because we don’t know how we should be behaving or what our role should be. As I ask other
people questions, I learn who they are, what they represent, what they expect from me, and
how we can best interact. This is done by asking questions about the person and also sharing
information about myself, so both of us can find rest from our initial uncertainty. Also, sharing
information about myself will help the other person feel like I’m not interrogating them
[CITATION Ste17 \p 104 \l 1033 ].

3. Because I recognize my listening style to be more of a Critical/Analytical Listener, I will

learn how to better adapt to what type of listener and responses the other person
needs at that time [CITATION Ste17 \p 121 \l 1033 ].

The three step process to keep in mind to improve any type of listening is Stop, Look, Listen
[CITATION Ste17 \p 126 \l 1033 ]. Because I recognize my strong point, I know that I can focus on
improving my skills with the other forms of listening. More importantly is learning how to
recognize what style of listening to implement in a situation. As the first step says, Stop! Pause
for a moment and really listen to what the other person is saying in a conversation. Avoid
distraction and help boost the confidence of the speaker [CITATION Ste17 \p 127 \l 1033 ]. Next is
to Look. Both what you portray as a listener and what you see the speaker portraying
nonverbally plays a part in the communication. Metacommunication includes making eye
contact and picking up on nonverbal cues, but also not being distracted by cues that have
nothing to do with the conversation. Although physical action can play a part in better
understanding what a speaker is saying, there are times when we should not let the
presentation get in the way of understanding the intended message [CITATION Ste17 \p 127 \l
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1033 ]. The last step is to Listen. Beebe explains three things that make a good listener. First off,
they simply “just listen—they do not interrupt, respond and provide appropriate verbal
feedback (‘yes, I see,’ ‘I understand’), and nonverbal feedback (eye contact, nodding,
appropriate facial expressions)” [CITATION Ste17 \p 127 \n \t \l 1033 ]. One think that’s important
to remember is that the person is more important than a goal, problem to be solved, or lesson
to be taught.

4. I will use the time I had zoned in/out of what the other person was saying and use it to
summarize what they’ve already said [CITATION Ste17 \p 124 \l 1033 ].

We all have met the type of person who can seemingly talk for hours without taking a single
breath. It’s easy to zone out of the conversation and be a passive listener for that type of
conversation, but on the other hand there are those people who are in desperate need of
someone to simply listen. Even when we’re tired, stressed, or preoccupied with what’s going on
in our lives, there’s a time for us to focus and be a listener for someone. It can be hard to find
the motivation to listen, however, “you can increase your motivation to listen by reminding
yourself why listening is important” [CITATION Ste17 \p 126 \l 1033 ]. When those moments come
that I want to zone out, I can remind myself of the goal of my listening and why it is important
that I do so.

Constraints
I found it hard to implement my second strategy: asking questions based on answers I’d
already received and also sharing some information about myself. There were times I needed to
just listen and not share as much as I was used to. Some people need to rant and get all the
words out before you can ask any questions. It felt similar to when you watch a presentation
and they say, “hold all questions till the end.” I’m the type of person who likes to clear up things
that I don’t always quite understand as soon as I can and not wait till the end. For example, I
had a friend call me from out of state, and he had a lot to say. He simply needed to get the
words out, possibly to help him understand it as well as helping me to understand it.

Implementation
In order for me to enact my desired habit and behavior, regarding my second
strategy/situation, I made sure to keep a constant effort in place to not interrupt or say
anything until he was done speaking, unless I was completely lost. The occasional “mhm” or
“okay” was needed for him to know I was still paying attention (due to us being on the
telephone and a nod of the head wouldn’t do), but I made sure that I didn’t clarify or ask
anything until it was clear I could/should say something. For me to manage my constraints, I set
the one goal in place. I didn’t bit off more than I could chew by attempting to follow all the
strategies I came up with. However, because of my focus on a single goal, I didn’t do so well
 Mikayla Stettler

with making sure I was being as active as a listener as I should be, which as been my main goal
in my personal change proposal.

Results
I learned just how much control I have over becoming a better listener. As long as I have
a goal in mind, I can act upon it and make it happen. However, not every situation is the same
and each one takes some adjusting, so going in with the idea that acting upon your goal every
time and having it work is not the right mindset. Also, it becomes difficult to have multiple goals
at once trying to accomplish each one at the same time. That’s when things can become
overwhelming. I could only focus on one or two of my strategies at a time when communicating
and listening with others.
I expected that after working on these strategies for a bit, I would have a pretty good
hold on them. The only thing I feel confident that I can claim to is being able to better
remember the goals and strategies I put in place. I believe that these things are meant to turn
into habits, so despite how easy the text would have it sound to accomplish, it takes more than
a few weeks to build these traits and habits. In fact, these goals could become long term goals. I
learned that even after focusing on a goal for a couple weeks, a situation would arise where I
would forget, which I felt is contrary to the theory from the text. Part of the reason for that is
possible the idea of language barriers. The text points out the difference between listening and
hearing, but even when I’m actively listening in Spanish, I might not understand, because I’m
only hearing the words they’re saying [CITATION Ste17 \p 117 \l 1033 ]. Knowledge of language
plays a huge part in listening, and whether that’s in the same language with different slang, or
different languages, listening and hearing aren’t the only two categories that exist.
Overall, I am pleased with the attempted changes. I learned how to set a goal, come up
with strategies (a plan), and put them in action. I’m far from being successful at applying all the
listening strategies I came up with, but it’s easier to remember them and implement them in
my conversations. I also learned that not everything is black and white, such as I saw with the
listening and hearing idea.

Recommendations
There are strategies and things I learned from this course of action that I will continue to
implement and use in my daily life. It has always been my goal to become a better person, and
an important part of doing so is becoming a better listener. I may end up mastering one or
more of these strategies later on, but the betterment does not need to stop there. There will
always be more things I find that could use improvement, which means there will always be
new things I’m working on.
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If my time and course of life allows it, there are some things I would like to modify, but
at this time and place where I’m at as a student, I feel my actions are at a good place. I know
there is so much more to learn and try, but right now my world is pretty small and I don’t feel I
need to changed what theory I’m using. However, I do plan on traveling in the future, and at
that point I’ll need to change which theory I’m using in order to better adapt to foreign places,
things, and communication styles. I’ll do that by better understanding the places I plan on
visiting and learning not only how to interact with others, but why they do it that way. The
Intercultural Communication Theory is a broad subject and varies place to place. Things that I
would need to understand include, but aren’t limited to: material culture (housing, clothing,
transportation), social institutions (school, religion, government), belief systems, aesthetic
(music, art, dance), and language (both verbal and nonverbal) [CITATION Ste17 \p 71 \l 1033 ].
Each play a factor into the Intercultural Communication Theory and there’s a different approach
needed to be able to accomplish using it.

Works Cited

Brownlee, D. (2019, July 1). 5 Communications Best Practices of Great Leader. Retrieved from
Forbes: https://www.forbes.com/sites/danabrownlee/2019/07/01/5-communications-
best-practices-of-great-leaders/#46c777fc2e99
Steven A. Beebe, S. J. (2017). Interpersonal Communication: Relating to Others (Vol. 8th
Edition). United States: Pearson.