There was once a show on MTV, called Love Bytes.

Tailor made for desperate people, this show was filled with
information on the art of impressing girls. But sadly, the information was hackneyed and useless. It presumed
that it’s viewer had John Abraham’s built, Matt Damon’s face, Woody Allen’s intelligence, Amitabh
Bachchan’s grace, and yes, Raju Shrivastava’s sense of humor and yes, Shah Rukh Khan’s charisma.

Now, you only tell me- If a guy had all those qualities wouldn’t he be very similar to a guy called Sameer Jha. I
think he would be exactly the same. Please let my P.A. know, if you think otherwise.

But then, there are certain things in life which are not in our own hands. I have written this article, only and
especially for the unfortunate people who have been deprived of the above-mentioned adjectives. This amazing
and informative article will boggle the living daylights out of the nerd in you. It will also make you a blazing
and rip roaring Casanova within a day.

Part I:

Being her hero

Isaac Newton’s third cousin, (who by the way also happens to be my great grandfather’s firangi mate), once
proclaimed that, “Girls Just Love Heroes.”

But the sad part is that they only get to see them in the movies. My attempt with this article would be to alter
that phenomenon.

So let’s have a comprehensive look at being a girl’s hero through these two short little plans.

Plan A:

Become the Knight in the shining armour.

This plan is absolutely simple, what it requires you to do is to steal her money. Yeah, you heard me right; steal
her money. Now you will start asking as to how does that make you a hero, and all I’d answer is that you should
learn to have some patience.

Now then, let’s see the situation, in case you try and apply this principle:-

Scene 1:

(The girl’s just got out of an auto-rickshaw.)

Girl:- (Exclaims) Sweet Jesus!!!! I’ve lost my purse, and it had my money, what do I do now!!!???

Auto Rickshaw Driver:- (Getting restless) Oh Madam!! Paisa Jaldi Do... Mereko peshaab karne jaaneka hai...

Girl:- Oh God... Please, Please Help Me!

(Exactly at that brink of the moment you shall enter into the scene)

You:- Hey Babes, I think you need some money..

Girl:- Oh yes, I think I lost my purse...

You:- (WRONG ANSWER) Hmm... Is it the same purse which has 200 Rs. And your Dog’s photo...
You:- (Right Answer) Well then, I guess... I have arrived at the right time, here’s the money...

Plan B:

Trigger her scholarly emotions.

This plan unlike the last one requires a low degree of expertise in the area of execution. But, it’s almost same in
the area of principle.

All it requires you to do is to steal her notebook. Instructions to which I’ve provided in this post. Also, steal her
notebook (and textbook) when she really needs it, i.e. before the exams.

Now, that you’ve succeeded in stealing the notebook, let’s see what it’s repercussions might be:-

Girl:- (looking for her notebook) Oh no... Tomorrow is my exam and I can’t find my notebook. What do I do
now!!!???

Brother:- (with a raised eyebrow) Study From the textbook...

Girl:- Oh yes, right... (she then looks for her textbook) Oh No... ! Textbook is also missing, how do I study
now? If I don’t study, I’ll fail.

Brother:- Huh... As if that’s a big deal.

(Bell rings- ting tong.)

(You have just entered into the scene.)

You:- Hey, I think you’ve lost your notebook & textbook..

Girl:- Oh yess.. I don’t know How I will study now...

You:-Well, you can always use my notebook...

Girl:- Oh really, but what would you study from?

You:- (Wrong Answer) As if I study, huh...

You:-(Right Answer) Arey no problem, yeh to mera farz tha...

Part II:

Gain Sympathy

The immensely intelligent and the 22nd girlfriend of Rahul Mahajan believes that 97% of women love sensitive
men, the rest 3% love Raja Choudhary.

Which brings me to the question aas to how exactly does one gain sympathy. This plan will tell you, exactly
that:-
No Pain, No Gain!!

This plan is a little tough to execute. Also, it requires a certain amount of emotional restraint on your part. But
then, as Fardeen Khan says, “Love ke liye saala Kuch bhi karega.”

First things first, you need to buy some chilli powder, speaking from personal experience, Everest ka Teekhalal
works best.

Now you have to take a fistful of these chilli powder and put it in your pants. Now rub it (in your private parts)
as if you’ve got fungal infection and the chilli powder is the anti fungicidal dusting powder. Now, rush to your
mate and show as if you’re not feeling any pain at all. Doing this, will give you a painful expression which girls
mistake as a sign of a strong, silent and sexy man.

Part III

Let her be the hero.

Now, as the people from Kerala would tell you, “It is not always about the Man!”

For you to be successful in this loveology business, you need to extract some effort from the opposite sex too.

These days, gender equality is spreading like plague. Girls, these days, want to develop a superiority complex
over their boyfriends, so that if at all marriage occurs, they have less difficulty in showing their husbands their
place, which by the way is the kitchen.

So, the third and the final part of impressing girls, involves the girl to be the hero.

Well, what you have to do is to tell her that you are giving a treat and take her to a restaurant. Eat your food, and
when the time comes pay the bill, pretend as though you’ve lost your money. Start crying and apologise
profusely for your behaviour.

She will intervene and console you by slowly running her hands over your back. After that, she’ll offer to pay
the money. You do not agree at first; insist that you’ll do the dishes. She’ll relent and say that it’s okay if she
pays.

Then you say that in the presence of a guy a girl should never pay the bill. She’ll probably feel offended by this
and say that these days women are at par with the guys. She’ll say, that it’s no shame if she pays the bill. This
time, you should happily agree to her and slip in a little apology about not agreeing to it later on the pretext of
gender. She’ll now happily, pay the bill and name her feminine ego massaged.

a)After executing this plan, you would have achieved multiple objectives.

b)You would have had excellent food.

c)You would have massaged her ego and would’ve let her have a domineering stance over you.

d)You would have achieved physical contact (yes yes!! It’s when she rubs her cool over your back in order to
console you.

e)Most importantly, you’d do all this for free.

On the flipside, if she does not happen to have any money, you are mightily screwed. I say this from personal
experience that doing dishes is not an experience that you’d want to have. But I don’t think that that should get
you discouraged as a wise man once said, “The Biggest Risk is in not taking one.”

Additional Masala Tip:-

As a man from my very own homeland, Bihar, once said:-

“To keep your love life, bright and sunny,

You need to be really very funny.”

Now, how do you become funny? Well, some assholes would tell you that being funny is an art and a gift that
only a few seem to possess. These assholes, I guess have not heard of a wonderful scientific invention called the
‘laughing gas’.

It’s quite easy to insert a small amount of laughing gas in the nostrils of your prospective mate. Once you’ve
done that, it doesn’t matter whether you’re going to read out the constitution of India or Sanskrit verses from the
bhagwad gita. You, are going to be hilariously funny.