Obedience to Parents and its Limits

[Hassan Ilyas] Ghamidi Sahib, today, we

had a discussion on the chapter of ethics,

you told how the rights of the parents,

ethics of the religion

bind a pious believer

so that they behave well

and be gentle with the parents.

I want you to throw light

on some practical issues.

We generally observe that

when parents turn old,

their temperament also gets irritable,

they insist on being opinionated

and their interference in those matters,

in which their knowledge

is not up to date in that way.

The children usually become irritated.

At such moments, what should children do?

As there exists an
environment in the home,

if a father is adamant about

something now and if he is obeyed,

then rights are children are violated,

rights of wife are violated.

So, wherever rights of

others are being violated,

how can you accommodate such attitudes

and temperaments of the parents?

[Javed Ahmed Ghamidi] Look, when

there is a matter concerning any right,

when there is a matter

of some truths,

when there is a matter of

injustice against someone,

then no one must be obeyed in that case.

That's to say, if it is
a matter of wife,
then, there also, you will act according
to rightfulness and justice.

If it is a matter of children,

then, there also, you will behave

according to rightfulness and justice.

Since, parents may be uneducated

also, unaware of the religion also,

they do not have such a way of

perception in the religious matters also.

Some of our tribal traditions

or in the same way,

family traditions, social traditions,

other civilized traditions,

other cultural traditions,

due to influence of these also,

their attitudes are also developed.

So, at all such instances, a person

should act according to what is right

and he should also say only what is right.

But you should always maintain politeness.

Even if you have to refuse

a thousand times,

so you should remain limited

to the extent of refusal only.

Stepping beyond that to

adopt means of ill treatment

or adopt the means of reprimand,

or scathing comments is unfortunate.

You should avoid doing these.

That's to say, it is the balance that

the religion of Allah has taught us.

We should not obey the wrong command.

We should say what is

right, pay one's due right,

bear witness of what is right,

even if it is against the

parents, it will be given.
Even it is against the most
powerful elder, it will be given.

To say what is right, to do what is right,

to act according to the right

manner, it is our responsibility.

No compromise can be made

with anyone in this case.

But as the status of parents is very high

and at some instants, undoubtedly, they

would be making totally wrong demands,

so, their demand must be

ignored with politeness and civility.

Despite that, suppose,

they have become angry,

or something similar has happened,

then, you should not express

any anger as a reaction to that.

If they become angry, then let them be so.

That's to say, do not let them make

you accept an unjustly demand.

But to remain polite with them,

to treat them well,

Despite all their injustices, if there

is an opportunity to serve them,

then, to be ready to serve them,

if there is an opportunity
to spend for them,

then to be ready for that,

this is important.

And this is precisely what Allah (swt)

has demanded from us.

He has demanded a good treatment from

us, not a compliance of wrong demands.

[Hassan] Okay.

Well, Ghamidi Sahib, please

tell us that we generally observe

that sons pressurize their wives also

and demand from them also,

"You should also completely

fulfill the responsibilities that

I owe to my parents and you also adopt

the same behavior which I have adopted"

and we have seen that father-in-law

and mother-in-law,

themselves treat their daughter-in-laws

in such a way as

they would treat their own children,

interfering directly in their matters.

They think that they

have the right to do so.

So, please tell me

that the daughters-in-law,

who are not the real

daughters of those parents,

is their responsibility the same

as that of their children?

And we have also seen that

the sons highly pressurize

their wives to serve their parents,

but themselves, they hardly

do anything for their sake.

[Ghamidi] Look, the point is that

those wives have their own parents,

that's to say, they have not been born

in this world without any parents.

The girl, you bring to you home after

marriage, also has some siblings,

some close relatives, her own parents.

So, the rights that your

parents have on you,

their parents also have

the same rights on them.

So, due to this reason, claiming that

my parents are now your parents also

and you do not owe any

responsibility to your parents,

it is totally against the teachings

of the religion of Allah (swt).

If you treat her parents well,

if you will respect them,

because, when these

relationships are formed,

they become equivalent to children

or equivalent to parents.

They can not be real parents.

As we say that teacher is also,

in a way, equivalent to a father.

So, to be equivalent to
a father, means that

you will show same importance

to them along with your parents.

It is obvious that this

importance will be mutual.

If I give respect to the parents of my

wife, I respect her brothers and sisters,

I respect her family and relatives.

If I regard them equivalent to my parents,

then I should expect that she should

also consider them as her parents.

But, I myself do not act like that,

then it is obvious that I should

not demand it from her.

When you bring someone's

daughter as a bride,

then, those who do so are the primary

parties to be held responsible for her.

Because she has come after leaving

her home, after leaving her society.

She has come after leaving

her cultural background.

She has went through

a specific upbringing.

She has been living in some other

household which had its own atmosphere.

She had her own desires.

She adopts or accepts another household

leaving all of these things behind.

So, she is holding a status of a guest

and you hold the status of being a host.

So, first and foremost,

mother-in-law and father-in-law should

demonstrate their role of being parents.

When they will act as parents and

adopt the same attitude as parents adopt,

one's own mother and father adopt,

then it is obvious that you

can have expectations also.

But remaining above the expectations,

you must keep a check on your own views,

you must lookout for

your own responsibilities.

Our religion has reversed this order,

that's to say, in the current times,

everything begins in the name of rights

but, as per religion, everything

begins in the name of duties.

That's to say, as a parent,

what are my duties?

What are my responsibilities?

I have to fulfill those.

Now, it is obvious that in comparison

to that, children also have duties.

They also have responsibilities.

But, we realize about those duties

only when we fulfill our duties.

So, elders should come forward to

bless them with love and affection,

embrace them to impart them education.

They should cover up their mistakes.

If all these acts have been done, by

mother-in-law and father-in-law,
then, undoubtedly such a woman
would be very ungenerous,

who still treats them with disrespect.

It cannot happen!

That's to say, human nature

specifically demands

that whatever you have done,

you shall be repaid for that.

So, we should pray to Allah (swt) to help

succeed us in realizing our duties.

[Hassan] Okay Ghamidi Sahib.

Let's have some discussion

about the last aspect.

When we generally talk

about such kind of topics,

it is said that such

a child is perhaps rude

and he is running away from his duties

or the aspect of him being unappreciative,

ungrateful to the parents

becomes evident through it.

Do you think it is necessary that old

parents should themselves understand

that how should they spend their

old age gracefully, in the best way?

If they are staying at

their children's home,

then they should respect their privacy,

their private space, giving them a break,

they should give a time

out for the interaction

among their own family of

sons and daughter-in-laws

and align their own lives to a pattern.

We generally observe that

when elder people reach old age,

they are spending their

lives complaining only,

"My child did nothing for me,

I had done everything for him",

and they leave the world with

this grievance and wailing

and it also sends out

this message to the world

that the parents are highly unhappy with

their children,

and they do not serve them.

So, do you think that we are

already educating our children,

but some training should be imparted

to elders, old people also

so that when in these stages of life,

you become dependent on others,

then, while maintaining your status,

you should realize your role also.

[Ghamidi] This should be

done from the very beginning.

Your temperament is
different when children are born.

When children reach adolescence, you

should think how to deal with them now.

They come of age, they get married.

So, obviously, they have

to make decisions now.

They have stepped into a

new phase of their own life.

So, whoever is sensible,

among the parents,

either mother or father, they keep on

changing their attitude continuously,

that's to say, it was one period

when we used to take care of

all matters of the children.

It was the other period when we used

to admonish them and punish them too.
Now, it is the current period in which

we can only hold a dialogue

or just have a talk

and then there comes the time, when

we, ourselves, will become dependent.

So, when you are reaching old age,

then you should start preparing

yourselves much before that.

It is the decision of Allah

alone when it is destined to come,

when will Allah (swt) bring death.

Nothing can be predicted, whether

we may have to spend life in debility

or we may have to stay at son's

place or stay at daughter's place.

So, that's why, it is necessary

that a person should

keep preparing himself

for these stages in a gradual fashion.

If he is not prepared,

then he will create problems for

himself also and in his environment also

and the most important point in it is

that when your children come of age,

then you should try to

have zero interference then.

That's to say, it should

be done immediately.

It is not like that you will wait

till you reach old age totally.

Your attitude towards their matters

should be of drawing their attention,

talking to them nicely, giving them

advice at the appropriate time.

It should not exceed beyond this limit.

If you will be ready to admonish

them at every moment,
you will be ready to advice
them at every moment,

you will be ready to express

grievances at every moment,

then, you are not talking to a wall,

you are dealing with a human being.

They also begin to react.

It should not be done in at any cost like

we discussed about it a lot now.

But, mostly among us, our elders or

aged people commit mistakes,

mistakes in attitude, mistakes in having

expectations, mistakes in making demands

and in the same way,

trying to interfere in each and every

matter even after attaining that age.

So, when are heading towards old age,

the first and foremost step is to

take it as if you were going to die.

When you will not interfere

in the matters of others,

you will remain within your boundaries,

you will also expect only

that much which can be fulfilled.

Then, you should hope that

if children are also dutiful,

then they will not lack

in fulfilling your rights.

Interfering every now and then,

giving advice every now and then,

punishing every now and then,

expressing grievances every now and then,

these actually tend to irritate others.

So, you should avoid doing that.

[Hassan] Thanks a lot.