CAES1000 Core University English

Essay Exemplars

• These exemplars are adapted from the authentic scripts of the CAES1000
Written Exam.
• Key academic features and suggested areas for improvements are annotated
in the comment boxes.

Topic: Artificial Intelligence

Write an academic essay to argue the extent to which artificial intelligence

should be implemented in society. You may want to discuss various impacts that
artificial intelligence has made or may bring to different contexts, or anything
else that can support your stance.
Overall Grade: A range
Artificial Intelligence (AI), is commonly referred as man-made things characterized with
human-like body acting according to its human-level minds (Engdal, 2015). There has been a
variety of pessimistic anticipations regarding AI alongside the fast development of AI such as
social unrest because of increase in unemployment or even chaotic wars induced by ambition
of AI (Engdal, 2015; Brown, 2017). However exaggerating it is there are merely an intangible
predictions and the advantages brought by AI, whereas, are more tangible and convincing. I
will first cast the light on the efficiency generated by AI in different employment sectors and
the mental health benefit towards people with different sociodemographic characteristics,
finally discussing the validity of certain drawbacks of AI.
First of all, AI can make huge contribution to the efficiency of plenty of job sectors, reducing
the shortage of employees likewise. In the surveying sector, AI has been more prevelantly used
in decision-making and recommendation based on its extreme speed of calculation of unknown
trends which are hardly discovered by human brains (Brown, 2017). Moreover, Popenici and
Kerr (2017) depict an example of educated technology, Massive Open Online Courses
(MOOCs) which is able to accommodate a gigantic number of enrolled students with diverse
background in different places with different time zones. Moving on to medical sector, we can
observe that AI is particularly helpful in caregiving. For instance, care robots have been utilized
in medical sectors as additional workforce for limited number of senior care workers (Siripala,
Commented [Author1]: When synthesizing multiple
sources, information in the citation should have been
organized in alphabetical order.
Commented [Author2]: Acknowledges the complexities of
the topic by introducing various perspectives. Also, the
author sufficiently prepares the readers for the two sides of
arguments, i.e. counter-arguments and rebuttals, linked with
‘however’.
The stance is also clearly expressed and reinforced by a
comparison, i.e. opposing views are ‘exaggerations’ and
‘merely an intangible predictions’ while supporting views are
‘more tangible and convincing’.
Commented [Author3]: This detailed outline provides the
readers with the contexts and scope of discussion in the
following main paragraphs.
Commented [Author4]: Uses an effective topic sentence to
summarize the main argument of this section.
Commented [Author5]: This example is a clear illustration
of one of the ‘job sectors’ and ‘efficiency of AI’ introduced in
the topic sentence. A close link is established.
2018). Siripala also mentions that the invention of these robots aims to facilitate the
communication and, also, the cooperation between family and medical staff members in
attempt to enhance the efficiency. It is also argued that AI, in possession of high-efficiency or
even the creativity of human by providing different alternatives and solutions (Norman, 2017).
It appears that AI can enhance efficiency of human-being by providing extra workforce with
strong discipline of performing repetitive jobs. Sometimes it can break the limitation of time
and area and serve for number of human way higher than normal humans can serve. Last but
not least, it can assist humans with its superior calculating skills to help bring out a better result
of projects. Hence, AI seems like a professional efficiency facilitor.
On the other hand, some critics may argue that owing to AI’s tolerance to boring jobs, they
might take over the job vacancy in different areas like service in particular (Engdal, 2015;
Brown, 2017). As logical as it sounds, however, it might be unlikely to occur because according
to other critics upholding opposite views, although a majority of agricultural sector vanished
throughout 20th century in the US due to advancement in technology, unemployment rate was
still at a stably low level (Veseley, 2016, as cited in Brown, 2017). It is also believed that
following the progress of technology, other new forms of job will also be established (Frey &
Osborne, 2013, as cited in Brown, 2017). Therefore, the view of undermining job opportunities
is rather invalid.
Commented [Author6]: Accurate use of integral and non-
integral citations.
Commented [Author7]: The argument is always backed up
with appropriate evidence from a range of sources. Various
aspects of efficiency of AI are sufficiently discussed.
Commented [Author8]: Good use of hedging as AI could
also bring harms. So, we should avoid being too definitive
when claiming AI can enhance efficiency.
Commented [Author9]: These examples have sufficiently
illustrated in what way AI can enhance efficiency.
Commented [Author10]: Uses effective linking words to
enhance cohesion, e.g. giving examples – moreover, also, for
instance, last but not the least; transiting from one sector to
another – moving on to.
Commented [Author11]: This concluding sentence
summarizes the key role of AI in this paragraph.
Commented [Author12]: This is an effective transition that
signals the upcoming counterargument.
Commented [Author13]: A concrete example could have
followed.
Commented [Author14]: Although the example is valid to
support the rebuttal, a logical link is needed as the
counterargument is about service sector while the rebuttal
here focuses on agricultural sector. Readers could have
raised a question if the author also refers the agricultural
sector as a boring job.
Commented [Author15]: The year of the secondary source
citation should be included.
Apart from the possible economic and social benefit in terms of efficiency caused by AI, AI
could also enhance mental health of individuals with different backgrounds in the society.
Brown (2017) argues that human-robot cooperation is likely to bring joy to the workers,
according to a study done in 2017. Furthermore, as a gradually expanding proportion in the
society, elderly certainly requires more care and attention from the society, which can be
provided by AI. For instance, it is discovered that most of the elderly accept or even are grateful
for the assistance and the presence of care robots which can seemingly strengthen elderly’s
mental well-being, social skills and so on, according to a nationwide survey done in Japan in
2017 (Siripala, 2018). Siripala, moreover, put forward an interesting idea that elderly, indeed,
may feel better to talk to an emotionless machine instead of a real human because they don’t
need to suspect their opinions towards them. With the presence of AI, not only does it reduces
stress of workers by increasing productivity, bring happiness to the workers, but also creates
an intangible ‘affective space’ where people can share their emotions, venting out the stress
and the worries. As a whole, AI can plausibly benefit people’s mental health.
Nevertheless, there has been worries that without emotions, AI is hardly to cope with diverse
people with different sociodemographic characteristics such as ages, educational level and so
on, just as the lack of human capacity in dealing with various and numerous types of university
students (Popenici & Kerr). It might be true that AI does not own the skill of social skills which
can only be acquired in true and spontaneous interaction in rea life (Brown, 2017). AI is still
Commented [Author16]: This is a very effective topic
sentence which also serves the transitional function. The
first part summarizes the previous paragraph while the
second part provides an overview of this paragraph.
Commented [Author17]: Setting up the context to a
healthcare one and also justifying why AI is needed.
Commented [Author18]: Year of publication is needed for a
first-time integral citation in a paragraph.
Commented [Author19]: An effective paraphrasing should
also include one’s interpretation / attitude towards the
source which is nicely demonstrated here.
Commented [Author20]: This is an effective summary of
examples mentioned above. It could be necessary when 2-3
examples in different contexts are discussed.
Commented [Author21]: Better transition could have been
provided as the focus of supporting and counterarguments
seems different. The supporting argument is about mental
health of people while the counterargument concerns
people of different sociodemographic backgrounds, in
particular in educational setting.
capable in maintaining mental health regardless its emotion or lack of sympathy. What the

people actually values is the company of the AI and the ‘affective space’ between them but not

the response or suggestion given out by the AI. Hence, the human capacity in terms of mental Commented [Author22]: Hedging could have been used as
it is too definitive without any evidence or reference to
support, which can also reduce the argumentative force of
support should come after the pure company of AI. the rebuttal.

One major and solid concern of the critics regarding AI, despite the economic, social and

mental benefit discussed, is that humans might stop making progress because they are deemed

as inferior compared to the ‘Strong AI’ which means AI that develops equal or even high level

of human mind enough for self-aware (Engdal, 2015). They have put forwards plenty of

hypothesis. For example, if they were smart enough to develop human emotions, they would

start to be disgraceful about the fact that being slaves of humans or even starts wars against

humans to conquer the world (Engdal, 2015). Engdal also talks about other opinions such as Commented [Author23]: This is a good example to
illustrate the fear human have about AI, but unclear if AI
would make humans stop making progress.
AI being smart enough to make all the decision for us and Brown (2017) also includes a real

example of a computer possessing voting right in a Hong Kong company, which means that

AI might start to have human right and threaten us. Despite all these worries, they can be solved
with regard to the several facts. For instance, AI is hardly to bring catastrophe to the world
Commented [Author24]: These examples are relevant and
concrete that relate the readers to how major and solid the
concern is.
Commented [Author25]: The use of ‘despite’ prepares the
readers for the upcoming rebuttal.

because those wars were caused by negative emotions which cannot be learned by the AI unless

it is implanted on purpose (Engdal, 2015). Humans still remain their superiority such as the

‘leadership’ skill, cooperative skills and spontaneous problem-solving skills and so on which

are impossible to be developed by the AI. Last but not least, AI will not surpass humans unless
it is always placed in an assisting position. Sandford University (2016) mentions that human

and AI are meat to cooperate with each other and human can perform tasks which AI is

incapable of. It is suggested that the ideal combination where AI will not outweigh humans is Commented [Author26]: These examples are clearly
illustrated and directly linked to the various fear human
have. A logical link is established.
letting AI does the task, suggesting solution, whereas human becomes the decision-maker,

assessing the feasibility of different solutions. By achieving this, the thought of AI slowing Commented [Author27]: Solutions / recommendations can
be functioned as rebuttal which are demonstrated clearly
here.
down human’s progress maybe unnecessary.

To conclude, AI does bring convenience, efficiency and emotional support likewise. Due to

word limitation, other possible criticism such as high financial cost cannot be discussed. It is

undeniable that AI also begins to possess equal position as us such as the equal voting right in Commented [Author28]: The counterargument could have
been made stronger, e.g. AI possessing equal position could
be seen a threat to human. This can help show the
a Hong Kong company (Brown, 2017). In spite of this, as long as we keep developing the complexity of the topic as well as the stance more strongly.

precious and unique work skills via appropriate education (Brown, 2017), we will never be Commented [Author29]: Some elaboration is needed.

inferior to AI.

References: Commented [Author30]: Provides a complete reference

list.

Brown, S. (2017). Could computers take over the boardroom? In M. Foster (Ed.), A modern

approach to artificial intelligence (pp. 79-83). London: Routledge.

Engdal, S. (2015). Artificial intelligence today. New York, NY: Greenhaven Press.

Norman, D. (2017). Design, business models, and human-technology teamwork. Research

Technology Management, 60(1), 26-29.

Popenici, S., & Kerr, S. (2017). Exploring the impact of A.I. on teaching and learning in higher

education. Research and Practice in Technology Enhanced Learning, 12(22), 1-13.

Siripala, T. (2018, June 9). Japan’s robot revolution in senior care. Japan Times. Retrieved

from https://www.japantimes.co.jp/opinion

Stanford University. (2016). One hundred year study on artificial intelligence: Report of the

2015 Study Panel. New York, NY: Stanford University Press.

Overall comments:

In this essay:

• Content & structure: Each argument is mostly supported by concrete evidence and/or

its elaboration. Topic and concluding sentences are particularly effective with the

topic sentences also performing a transitional function. Counterarguments and

rebuttal are clearly signaled by cohesive devices such as ‘despite’ which enhance the

cohesion. However, the argumentative flow could have been strengthened in a few

places, especially when the supporting and counterarguments focus on different

contexts.

• Language: High level of complex grammatical structures and a wide range of

vocabulary are accurately used. Evaluative adjectives also help strengthen the author’s

stance.
• Referencing and citations: All ideas from the texts have been cited. The use of

synthesizing and secondary sources is successfully demonstrated.

Overall Grade: B range
Artificial Intelligence should be implemented in society
Artificial intelligence is a hot topic in recent years. This cutting edge technology can benefit
the society in many aspects. It can increase the efficiency, reduce the operation costs and
create more job opportunity (Brown, 2017). However, some concerns are raised along with
its rapid growth. Some worried that AI would control the world, worsen the inequality and
make all the decisions for human (Engdal, 2015). To face the upcoming challenges, people
should better equip themselves and these concerns should not be the obstacle to better
develop AI. AI should be implemented to a large extent in society.
This essay will introduce how AI can benefit our society and some concerns raised by AI.
Also, suggestions and recommendations for better develop AI will also be discussed.
First, I would like to discuss how AI can benefit our society.
From the perspective of companies, AI is efficient and cost-saving. Since AI can complete
the work faster and more accurately, it has played a role in streamline factory. According to
MIT’s Computer Science and Artificial intelligence Lab (as cited by Brown, 2017) the
autonomy carrying assembly line is more productive and cost-saving. Therefore, AI can help
companies achieve better performance.
Commented [Author31]: It is better to avoid clichés in
academic writing.
Commented [Author32]: In this phrase, ‘society’ does not
need a definite article.
Commented [Author33]: It seems that the student may
have misinterpreted the question: To what extent do you
agree that AI should be implemented in society?
Commented [Author34]: Errors with word choice have
caused some ambiguity here.
However, throughout the essay, the student demonstrates a
broad range of vocabulary that is generally appropriate for
the context.
Commented [Author35]: Although the student has included
a stance and an overview of the structure of the essay, the
order of these ideas and the student’s use of paragraphs
could be improved in this part of the essay.
Commented [Author36]: The use of personal pronouns
here seems to give the impression that the student is giving
a presentation rather than writing an essay.
Commented [Author37]: Topic sentences are generally
effective in the first half of the essay.
Commented [Author38]: The use of synonyms would help
demonstrate a broader range of vocabulary.
Commented [Author39]: The secondary citation is generally
well-handled, but it would be better to write “According to a
report…(as cited in Brown, 2017)”
Commented [Author40]: There are some grammatical
errors in this paragraph which may have been caused by
difficulties with paraphrasing.
An example or an explanation of this ‘assembly line’ would
have helped illustrate the main point in this paragraph.
Commented [Author41]: The essay appears to be slightly
one-sided here.
AI also has an impact on the higher education. It has the potential to reshape the way we
teach. By using the online platform, it allows thousands of students to enrol in the same
course, which lowers the barrier for teaching and learning. Successful examples can be seen
on Massive Open Online Courses (MOOCs). Students can participate the course anywhere
and anytime, as long as they can connect to the Internet (Popenici & Kerr, 2017). It alters the
traditional way of education and makes it possible to enroll many students.
AI can contribute to the mental well-being. AI can not only play a role in factories and
companies, it can also comfort people and show care for those in need. Japan developed a
‘care robot’ which can interact with people, and 80 percent of its users reported that they feel
led stressed and be helped by the robots (Siripala, 2018). Therefore, AI also has the potential
to improve people’s well-being, and release their mental pressure.
As discussed above, AI has vast implications on society, however, there are many negative
influence raised by many people. I will introduce some of these concerns and explain why
they are not a valid reason to prevent the development of AI.
Some may worry that AI has the ability to control people and could take over the world
(Engdal, 2015). Because nowadays, people rely on these technologies to make their
decisions. Increased dependency is shown on the use of AI. People may fear that once robot
Commented [Author42]: It is good that the student has
attempted to include a topic sentence here. Perhaps these
two sentences could be joined together to improve
cohesion.
Commented [Author43]: An example of the barrier would
have helped illustrate the point.
Commented [Author44]: The passive voice may have been
more appropriate here.
Commented [Author45]: Although the main argument is
clearly expressed here, a counterargument and rebuttal
would have improved the overall impact of this paragraph.
Commented [Author46]: This topic sentence could be
expanded.
The student tends to over-use the definite article. This is an
example of a systematic error which does not impede the
understanding of the reader.
Commented [Author47]: If this is a quotation, double
quotation marks should be used and a page number should
be included in the citation.
Commented [Author48]: Although it is good that the
student has used an example from the sources to support
their point, more information is needed to contextualise the
results of the study.
Commented [Author49]: Again, the stance seems overly
positive in this part of the essay. Although some hedging
devices have been used, perhaps some of the limitations of
these benefits could also have been mentioned.
Commented [Author50]: Overgeneralizations should be
avoided in academic writing.
Commented [Author51]: This paragraph seems as if it has
been taken from the script of a presentation rather than an
academic essay.
Clearer topic sentences would avoid the need for a
‘transition’ paragraph such as this.
Commented [Author52]: This idea is perhaps slightly
extreme.
Commented [Author53]: Combining shorter sentences
could improve the cohesion of this paragraph.
has their awareness, they may act against people’s interest and it is easy for them to do so.
One possible objection is that AI does not have the emotion drive (for example, desire and
suspicion), thus, it does not have the incentive to do so (Engdal, 2015). In addition, at the
current stage, there are many things that AI is not capable of. For example, complex problem
solving, creative thinking. We can use AI tool for better decision-making, but not let it take
control. It can serve as a tool, and human is the one to make the decision. Therefore this fear
is not necessary.
Another argument is about the loss of jobs. Since AI is efficient and helpful, some may worry
that it will replace laborforce (Brown, 2017). Admittedly, on the one hand, AI would replace
some repetitive and simple tasks, since AI is more productive and more accurate companies
would prefer it for it saves costs in the long-run. On the other hand, according to a study done
by the University of Oxford (as cited by Engdal, 2015), management occupations were not
easily be affected by AI. This suggests that although some jobs will be taken by AI, some
more advanced and skill-requiring jobs can not be done just relying on AI. It implies that we
should equip ourselves for the upcoming challenges.
After discussing some doubts against AI, I would like to introduce several suggestions on
how to better develop AI for our future development.
Commented [Author54]: This is a much better use of a
counterargument and rebuttal, possibly because the points
in this paragraph reflect the student’s main stance as
outlined at the beginning of the essay.
Commented [Author55]: Good use of a citation as a
rebuttal.
Commented [Author56]: More details could be given in the
topic sentence so that the reader can fully understand the
focus of the paragraph as it relates to the essay question.
Commented [Author57]: Again, the language is slightly too
optimistic here. Hedging devices would help make this idea
seem less absolute.
Commented [Author58]: This paragraph could be more
concise, as it repeats an idea that was expressed in the first
part of the essay.
Commented [Author59]: Although there are a few minor
grammatical errors in this paragraph, the student is generally
able to maintain cohesion and develop ideas in a logical
manner. However, the last sentence seems redundant.
Commented [Author60]: Again, transition paragraphs are
unnecessary when clear topic sentences are used.
For the individuals, we should realize that human have unique advantages over AI, which can
not be easily replaced. That is the social skills, including leadership, team-working and
problem-solving. We should be better prepared for the upcoming future. For the further
development of AI, according to Stanford university (2016), more studies and research can be
done on how AI and human behaviour are connected, so as to have a deeper understanding of
how AI can be applied on social matters. For the higher education side, new roles of teachers
can be explored, since AI can take up some teaching tasks, new pathways for teacher should
be taken into consideration (Popenici & Kerr, 2017).
Artificial Intelligence shows rapid growth in recent years. It has profound influence on the
way we learn, company operation and the human well-being. At the same time, it raised
concerns about its power of ruling the world and unemployment. To face those challenges,
individuals, companies teachers will be flexible and work together. To a large extent, we
should implement AI in our society. It is a new opportunity for social development , we
should seize it and embrace the brighter future.
Reference list:
1. Brown, S. (2017). Could computers take over the boardroom?
In M. Foster (Ed.), A Modern Approach to Artificial Intelligence: 79-83. London:
Routledge.
Commented [Author61]: The repeated use of “For…,” is
slightly clumsy. It would be better to begin with a phrase
such as “In order to…”.
Commented [Author62]: Combining these ideas into one
sentence would help improve cohesion here.
Commented [Author63]: The student has already
mentioned this point.
Commented [Author64]: This seems to be a new problem,
as it was not discussed in previous paragraphs.
Commented [Author65]: The student seems to be
repeating their introduction. However, the order of ideas in
this conclusion is appropriate.
Commented [Author66]: The subject of the sentence seems
inappropriate here.
Commented [Author67]: The previous paragraphs do not
seem to support this statement.
Commented [Author68]: This is an overly-optimistic ending
which has slight impact on the overall persuasiveness of the
essay.
Commented [Author69]: “References”
Commented [Author70]: The reference list is accurate but
should not be numbered. Frequent mechanical errors in the
entries of the references (e.g. location of page numbers,
italics should be used when the reference list is word
processed). Check the correct format of APA conventions of
referencing.
2. Engdal, S. (2015). Artificial Intelligence Today. New York, NY: Greenhaven Press.

3. Popenici, S. & Kerr, S. (2017). Exploring the impact of A.I. on teaching and learning in

higher education. Research and Practice in Technology Enhanced learning, 12(22), 1-13

4. Siripala, T. (2018, June 9). Japan’s robot revolution in senior care. Japan Times. Retrieved

from http://www.japantimes.co.jp/opinion.

5. Stanford University. (2016). One hundred year study on artificial intelligence: Report of

the 2015 Study Panel. New York, NY: Stanford University Press.
Overall Grade: C
Artificial Intelligence (AI) refers to artificial beings with human–level minds, often with
human-shaped bodies. (Engdal, 2015) Al technology is no doubtly an fast-growing industry
and be very influential in the world. This cutting-edged technology is widely used from
education to health care. There is a supercomputer Watson, provides advice for students
anytime in Deakin University. Shintomi Nursing Home in Japan has also become the point of
attention of having 20 models of care roborts. In the following, we would discuss the reason of
why it is a must to develop AI, potential drawbacks and the solution for these drawbacks.
First, Artificial intelligence makes human’s work in a more preferred situation. A study
conducted by the MIT’s Computer Science and Artificial Intelligence Lab in 2017 discovered
that workers tends to be the happiest and more productive when there are robots in the routine
assembly line task. Machines can process information in a rapid manner, they never experience
boredom and very reliable on what they are designed to do. In this case, some work with a lot
of repeative task could actually replaced by AI. The time needed for complete the task would
be dramatically decrease, as the efficiency rised. In addition, humans refuse to work when the
task are dirty, dull or dangerous. Automation would help this situation. AI would only follow
the order and finish the task without any negative emotion. It can also reduce the probability
of human’s accident, for example, car crash. Under automation, AI robots can fully under the
order given and finish the tasks efficienly in all unwanted situation by humans.
Commented [Author71]: Good use of academic source to
validate the definition.
Commented [Author72]: A citation is missing for this
specific example.
Commented [Author73]: These two examples effectively
illustrate the previous idea.
Commented [Author74]: The stance is shown explicitly in
the outline.
However, the outline is too general, without specifying the
scope of discussion / perspectives.
There is also a lack of two-sided arguments. A strong stance
should include both supporting and counter-arguments.
Commented [Author75]: Unclear word choice that impedes
the understanding of readers.
Commented [Author76]: This is a secondary source. An
integral citation for a secondary source should have been
used i.e. MIT’s Computer Science and Artificial Intelligence
Lab (as cited in Brown, 2017).
Commented [Author77]: This evidence is relevant to the
argument. It illustrates under what situation and in what way
can AI help and the kind of results achieved.
Commented [Author78]: This idea is extracted from
Norman’s (2017) article; however, the citation is missing.
This could constitute plagiarism. Similar issues can be found
in some other places throughout this essay.
Commented [Author79]: The tone is too definitive with the
use of ‘fully’ and ‘all’ when there is also a lack of strong
supporting evidence.
Second, Artificial intelligence would improve communication by serving as conversation
stimuli. According to a government-funded project in 2013 in Japan, residents who need
nursing care is being take care by robotic comparions. It was found out that the senior’s
autonomy, sociability, mood and communication has improved a lot. Recent students (Orix
Lining, 2017) found that 80 percent of respondent over 40 years of age welcomed to being
helped by a care robot. Some of them has revealed a common fear of becoming a burden on
family members and explained feeling more relaxed in the presence of a robot. Recipients can
imagine the robot as a positive image to talk with, they do not need to worry how another feel
when they talked to the robot, so they could speak more freely to share their feelings. People
tends to be more fear currently as how you speak may hardly affect how others see you, we
can observe phenomenon by people nowadays prefer texting more than face-to-face interaction.
Robots provides an alternative for them to express their negative feelings. Indeed, being
companion with AI robots may also increase their experience and topics to share to others, by
more chances to express themselves, communication is enhanced.
Third, developing AI reduce the financial costs in long run. Higher education is more and more
demanding in workplace leads to the wider participation in tertiary education. Number of
students, class size, staff costs increase the financial pressure of universities. Massive Open
Online Courses (MOOCs) has inspired a lot of administrators in university. This platform
Commented [Author80]: As an effective topic sentence of
the second main body paragraph, a transition from the
previous paragraph should have been shown. This will
improve the cohesion of the paragraphs.
Commented [Author81]: This is a key term extracted from
Siripala (2018). A citation should have been provided.
Commented [Author82]: This is a secondary source. A non-
integral secondary source citation should have been used i.e.
(Orix Lining, 2017, as cited in Siripala, 2018).
Commented [Author83]: This supporting evidence is
effectively structured: introducing the context, the reasons
why the elderly welcome AI and the impact on their
communication.
Commented [Author84]: Simplistic argument. Lack of
supporting evidence to explain this.
Commented [Author85]: This concluding sentence is able
to summarize the paragraph.
Commented [Author86]: This topic sentence is able to
summarize the main argument. The context i.e. education
sector could have been specified as the whole paragraph is
about university / higher education.
Commented [Author87]: Elaboration is needed on how
administrators could be financially benefitted.
enable students to enroll and participate from any parts of the world with internet access, so
that the expensive staff costs can be cut down. We need to admit that the develop of platform
/ AI technology is costly, but it can relieve costs in long run. As AI robots do not require a
good working environment / wages. In long run, it is cost-effective to invest in AI.
However, one coin has two sides. Although developing AI brings us a lot of positive outcome,
there are still some potential drawbacks. We would further discussed the positioning of humans
and how the wealth gap be affected.
Firstly, there are some sayings that human would be replaced by AI, so that some occupation
would vanished in the future. Studies argue that 47% of jobs in the United States were at high
risk of automation over the next twenty years (Frey & Osborne). Social structure may not
withstand with such a fast and huge reduction in employment. Some even fear that intelligent
machines will have some bad characteristics in human which would let AI robot take over the
world. For example, being enslaved and over-intelligent. However, AI robots actually not
equipped with emotion such as fear, suspicion and desire. Also, AI robots are only good at
repetitive task but not an occupation that focus on imagination, creativity, innovative or
complex reasoning. Jobs focus on these aspects may actually need more labour as these may
contribute to how AI is developed.
Commented [Author88]: An attempt of refuting an
opposing argument but it is too simplistic without evidence
and elaboration on what the long run is.
The idea of AI robots is introduced abruptly as the previous
ideas are about MOOCs and AI technology.
Commented [Author89]: Idiomatic expressions should have
been avoided in academic writing.
Commented [Author90]: This is a vague expression.
Commented [Author91]: An attempt to provide a scope of
discussion on drawbacks, focusing on the two key aspects.
Commented [Author92]: An attempt to use a precise
reporting verb to show stance.
Avoid using neutral verbs, e.g. say, note.
Commented [Author93]: Year should be provided in in-text
citations.
Commented [Author94]: Some interpretation / explanation
could have been provided, e.g. defining social structure,
specifying the consequences of such reduction.
Commented [Author95]: The impact on job unemployment
could have been clearer, i.e. how AI without being equipped
with emotions would not replace human and affect some
occupations.
Commented [Author96]: This rebuttal lacks sound
reasoning as the argument actually shows how jobs involving
repetitive tasks could be replaced by AI and vanished. This
seems to contradict the stance of this paragraph.
Commented [Author97]: Supporting evidence is needed to
explain this.
Using ‘as’ does not logically link the two ideas in this
sentence.
Secondly, there are also some sayings that as AI may be more productive than human beings,

some job that do not require a high degree of creativity might be diminished. AI technologies Commented [Author98]: The focus of this topic sentence is
very similar to the previous paragraph’s.

are spreadly rapidly especially in the service sector. The service sector was dominating by Commented [Author99]: Concrete examples could have
been provided for illustration.

people under poverty. Poor people may lose their job while the wealthy are may bought robots

to make benefits. The wealth gap would become widen. According to a survey in 2016, about Commented [Author100]: Simplistic cause-and-effect
relationship.

what skills is most desirable “leadership” came at first. It reveals that people who only equip

with basic thinking skills / non-innovative, would be diminished by the society naturally. Not

to mention, there are more and more new jobs popping out this decade. For instance, social

media interns, or Zumba instructors. Commented [Author101]: Whether these are

counterarguments or rebuttals is unclear.

The logical link between examples and also with the focus of
this paragraph should have been strengthened.

One of the possible measure of developing AI and taking care of the unemployed people is to The relevance of these examples should have been made
more explicit.
Commented [Author102]: Missing concluding sentence to
change our society into semi-communism Government may first replaced most of the summarize this paragraph.
Commented [Author103]: This is a BIG concept;
unfortunately, it is not explained clearly and sufficiently.
occupation with AI technology except the occupations that contributes to the developing of AI

technology. The revenue being produced by the AI can use as subsidies for those people being

unemployed, so they may continue their daily expense. The one who contribute into AI

technology may have a wage higher than the subsides provided. This measure may ensure all Commented [Author104]: Together with unclear / vague
expressions and examples (“most of the occupations”, those
people”), it is quite difficult for readers to follow the
people in the community being served by the benefits of AI technology. arguments.

Another reliative measures is to provide course for people in sectors that mostly provide service Commented [Author105]: As this measure is relevant to the
issue of unemployment among low-income group, this
paragraph can be incorporated into that paragraph as a
or doing repetitive task to learn skills to equip with critical thinking, innovative idea… These rebuttal so as to strengthen the logical link and argument.
course may help them to find another job which less likely to be replaced by AI technology.

They can also become more valuable and competitive in market so to have better wages or

working benefits. Commented [Author106]: Concrete examples for

illustration are needed. The effect is too simplistically
justified.

To conclude, developing AI technologies might have some potential drawbacks, but they can

be solved by different measure mentioned above. AI technologies is believed to bring more Commented [Author107]: This summary is too general
though the restatement of stance is included.

benefits to humanity. It is believed to enhance the living standard of humans. Major benefits and drawbacks could have been highlighted.
Commented [Author108]: An attempt of future
implications is shown but again too general.

These two sentences could have been written in a more

precise manner to avoid the repetitive use of “is believed”.
Reference list Commented [Author109]: The reference list SHOULD BE in
alphabetical order.
1. Engdal, S. (2015). Artificial intelligence today. New York, NY: Greenhaven Press. NO numbering is needed for APA style.

Italicize the name of the book or journal and the volume no.
2. Brown, S. (2017). Could computers take over the boardroom? M. Foster (Ed.), A of a journal

modern approach to artificial intelligence (P. 79-83). London: Routledge. Deleted: Lodon

3. Popenici, S., & Kerr, S. (2017). Exploring the impact of A.I. on teaching and learning

in higher education. Research and Practice in Technology Enhanced Learning, 12(22),

1-13.

4. Siripala, T. (2018, June 9). Japan’s robot revolution in senior care. Japan Times.

Retrieved from https://www.japantimes.co.jp/opinion

5. Stanford University. (2016). One hundred year study on artificial intelligence: Report

of the 2015 Study Panel. New York: Stanford University Press.

 6. Norman, D. (2017). Design, business models, and human-technology teamwork.

Research-Technology Management, 60(1), 26-29. Commented [Author110]: The student has only cited
Engdal’s (2015) article while all the other references are NOT
cited in the text.

Overall comments:

In this essay, there are three major issues:

• Referencing and citations: There is a consistent lack of citation for ideas from the texts.

There are some instances where text has been copied word for word on the clausal

level. Secondary source citations are all inaccurate. ALL these could have

constituted plagiarism.

• Content: At times the stance tends to be simplistic rather than critical. There is also a

lack of supporting and concrete evidence and/or its elaboration.

• Language: The errors in grammar and vocabulary impede the understanding of the

readers in 2-3 places. A number of these grammatical errors are subject-verb

agreement, linking words, spelling, run-on sentences, and complex grammatical

structure.