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29 Creative Conversation Strategies For The Shy Version 2
29 Creative Conversation Strategies For The Shy Version 2
29 Creative Conversation Strategies For The Shy Version 2
While all attempts have been made to verify information provided in this
publication, the Publisher assumes no responsibility for errors, omissions, or
contrary interpretation of the subject matter herein. Any perceived slights of
specific persons, peoples, or organizations are unintentional.
In practical advice books, like anything else in life, there are no guarantees of
income made. Readers are cautioned to reply on their own judgment about their
individual circumstances to act accordingly.
This book is not intended for use as a source of legal, business, accounting or
financial advice. All readers are advised to seek services of competent professionals
in legal, business, accounting and finance fields.
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Contents.
Why Learning Conversation Strategies Is Good & Important?....................................................... 5
How Reading This eBook Will Help You? ........................................................................................ 7
Mistakes In A Conversation. ........................................................................................................... 9
29 Points On Conversation Strategies. ......................................................................................... 14
1. Embrace Your Inner James Bond .......................................................................................... 14
2. Let People Talk About Themselves ....................................................................................... 15
3. Online Chatting Is Your Friend .............................................................................................. 15
4. Do Not Forget To Take Some Time For Yourself ................................................................... 16
5. How To Manage/Survive Parties ........................................................................................... 16
6. Find Your Go-To-Guy/Gal ...................................................................................................... 17
7. Reduce Anxiety ...................................................................................................................... 17
8. Be Purposeful ........................................................................................................................ 18
9. Channel Your Curiosity .......................................................................................................... 18
10. Ask Questions ...................................................................................................................... 18
11. Add Juicy Tidbits .................................................................................................................. 19
12. Deepen The Conversation ................................................................................................... 19
13. Recognize Cues .................................................................................................................... 20
14. Be Kind To Yourself ............................................................................................................. 20
15. Share Details About Yourself............................................................................................... 20
16. Dare To Be Honest............................................................................................................... 21
17. Be Open To Intimacy & Don’t Fear The Controversial ........................................................ 22
18. Talk Like A Person, Not An Expert ....................................................................................... 23
19. Talk About Travel................................................................................................................. 23
20. Make It About Them, Not You ............................................................................................ 24
21. Raise Famous Moments From The Past .............................................................................. 25
22. Focus On Asking Meaningful Questions .............................................................................. 25
23. Project Confidence .............................................................................................................. 26
24. Try Different Topics ............................................................................................................. 27
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But conversation is on the decline. Texting, e-mailing, and tweeting just don’t give the same
emotional benefits as having a good talk. Real conversation means taking time to stop and chat
with people, having people over, supporting your local stores where you get to know the owners.
And it means taking stock of your conversation skills. Our competitiveness has bled into our
conversation. We compete for attention, trying to turn the conversation to ourselves rather than
listening to the other person. Some dominate, hogging most of the air space. Others rather than
just connecting as friends and equals, argue in order to impress others.
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Your purpose, when you converse, is not to win; it is to help the other person feel that you respect
them, enjoy them, care for them and support them. The goal is to connect.
Here are a few more reasons that even the most introverted among us should seek out someone
to talk to at some point every day.
▪ Good things come in small packages. Small talk makes us better problem-solvers. So
chatting about the delightful weather with Susan in accounts, or recounting your
weekend to Bobby from marketing could actually be as beneficial as doing a cross-word.
▪ We’re not infallible. Take a leaf out of 19th-century philosopher, John Stuart Mill’s book.
By opening ourselves up to discussion of new ideas and opinions – even ones that we
disagree with – we get a deeper understanding of topics and issues that we might
otherwise take for granted.
▪ Social support. Conversation gives you social support. Whether you talk to your family
members, friends or colleagues for advice-giving or information-sharing, this process
helps you put things in perspective. Putting this in perspective can help you build
resilience and can allow you to cope better with things when they don’t go as planned.
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If you’ve ever had a conversation with someone and walked away feeling as though you
immediately liked them and trusted them, it probably had something to do with the way they
managed the conversation. Likely, they made the conversation heavily about you, and you felt as
though they honestly cared about what you were telling them throughout the conversation.
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This may have been conveyed through simple means like actually remembering your name, or
through more complex means like asking you appropriate and relevant follow up questions to
the topics you brought up with them. The great news is you can have this very same effect on
people with just a little push in the right direction. By practicing some of the conversation tips
and strategies mentioned in this eBook, you’re likability and trust factor may just skyrocket — so
get ready to impress everyone around you.
There are many suggested ways to avoid misunderstanding in any kind of relationship – it could
be within friendship, marriage, family, official or any other. LOVE can help you prevent
misunderstanding from taking place.
▪ L – Listen intently.
▪ O – Observe carefully.
This eBook will teach you to be honest to others. Apologizing when you make a mistake and
admitting that you aren’t always perfect will not only make you feel better but will also help
strengthen your relationship.
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Mistakes In A Conversation.
1. Not Listening
“I like to listen. I have learned a great deal from listening carefully. Most people
never listen.”
Don’t just wait eagerly for your turn to talk. Don’t be like most people. Put your own ego on hold
and learn to really listen to what people are actually trying to saying.
When you really start listening, you’ll pick up on loads of potential paths in the conversation.
Avoid questions that result in a yes or no answer as they will not give you much information. If
someone mentions about going golfing with a couple of friends last weekend you can for instance
ask:
Questions like above allow the person to delve deeper into the subject and giving you more
information to work with and more paths for you to choose from.
Don’t give up if they say something like “I don’t know” at first. Prod a little further and ask again.
They just have to think about a bit more. The conversation becomes more stimulating because
it’s not on auto-pilot anymore once they open up.
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▪ Nice. We went out in my friend’s boat last month and I tried these new lures from. The
green ones were really great.
▪ Yeah, it’s great to relax over the weekend with your friends. We like to take beer out to
the park and play some Frisbee.
The conversation can then flow on from there and you can discuss Frisbee, your favorite beer or
the pros and cons of different lures.
3. Tightening Up
When you are in conversation with someone you just met or when the usual topics have run out,
an awkward mood or silence might appear. You might just become nervous and you may not
even the reason behind it.
Never leave home without catching up on the latest news on the TV or through reading the
newspaper. You can always start talking about the current news if you’re running out of things
to say. It’s also good to stay updated on current water cooler-topics such as the latest gadgets or
TV series.
Comment on that one girl’s cool Halloween-costume, or the aquarium at the party, or the host’s
mp3-playlist. A new conversation about something in your surrounding can always be started.
Assume rapport. If you feel weird or nervous when meeting someone for the first time assume
rapport. Imagine the feeling you have when you meet one of your best friends. Don’t overdo it
though, you might not want to kiss and hug right away. You’ll go into a positive emotional state
if you imagine this rapport happening in your mind. And you’ll greet and start talking to this new
person with a smile and a relaxed and friendly attitude. Because that’s how you talk to your
friends. It might sound a bit too simple but it really works.
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4. Poor Delivery
One of the most important things in a conversation is not what you say, but how you say it.
Changing these habits can make a big difference since a vital part of communication is your body
language and voice. Some things to think about:
▪ Slowing down. It’s easy to start talking faster and faster when you get excited about
something. Try to slow down as it’ll make it much easier for people to listen and for you
to actually get what you are saying across to them.
▪ Speaking up. If you want people to hear you, don’t be afraid to talk as loud as you need
to.
▪ Speak with emotion. If you speak with a monotone voice, people lose interest and stop
listening. Let your feelings be reflected in your voice.
▪ Using pauses. Slowing down your talking plus adding a small pause between sentences
and thoughts creates a bit of anticipation and tension. Pauses will make people listen
more attentively to what you’re saying.
▪ Your delivery can be made a lot more effective if you learn a bit about improving your
body language. Read about posture, laughter and how to hold your drink in various ways
to improve your body language.
6. Having To Be Right
Avoid having to being right about every topic. A conversation is often not really a discussion. It’s
more of a way to keep a good mood and feeling going around. No one will be that impressed if
you win every conversation. Instead just relax and help keep the good vibes flowing.
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8. Being Boring
Don’t chatter on about your new house or car for 10 minutes oblivious to your surroundings.
Always be prepared to drop a subject when you see that people are getting bored. Or when
everyone is getting bored and the topic is starting to run out of steam.
Simply lead an interesting life in order to have something interesting to say. Focus on the positive
stuff and don’t start whining about your job or boss, people don’t want to hear that. Instead, talk
about your last trip somewhere, ,some myth you saw being busted on TV, some funny anecdote
that happened while you were buying furniture, your plans for New Years Eve or something funny
or exciting.
Knowing a little about many things or at least being open to talk about them instead of trying to
steer the conversation back to your favorite subject is a nice quality.
Not clinging desperately to one topic and opening up a bit will make the conversation feel more
open and relaxed. You will come across like a person who can talk about many things with ease.
This quality can make you connect to that person easily and is something that you appreciate in
a conversation.
9. Not Reciprocating
Open up and share how you feel, say what you think. If someone shares an experience, open up
and share one of your experiences as well. Don’t just stand there nodding and answering with
short sentences. Do not let others feel that their investment in a conversation is going to waste.
You can’t always wait for the other party to make the first move. Be proactive when needed and
be the first one to invest and open up in the conversation. One way is by replacing some questions
with statements. It makes you less passive.
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Open your eyes too. Develop your observational skills to pick up interesting stuff in your
surroundings to talk about. Expanding your view of interesting things in the world will help you
develop your personal knowledge-bank. Read the newspapers and keep an eye on new water
cooler-topics.
But take it easy. Don’t do it all at once. You’ll just feel overwhelmed and confused. Instead, pick
out the five most important things that you feel need improving. Work on them every day for
about a month. Notice the difference and keep at it. Slowly but gradually, your new habits will
soon start popping up spontaneously the next time you are in a conversation.
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29 Points On Conversation
Strategies.
1. Embrace Your Inner James Bond
One of the hardest things to do for an introvert is to start a conversation. You might spend entire
minutes thinking of the perfect opening line, the golden icebreaker, that one thing that will make
you sound amazing and cool… but it does not exist. Which is not your fault, by the way: there
literally is no perfect opening line. Whenever extroverts start a conversation, they do so with the
‘boring classics’: “hey, how are you?”, “how have you been?” “man, it is chilly in here, is it not?”
(or basically anything related to the current temperature or weather).
Do not take my word for it, go check it out for yourself. One golden tip for introverts is to closely
listen to other people starting and having a conversation. Listen to what they say, see what they
do, memorize and try for yourself. Extroversion is like another language, you learn it best by
imitating and practicing with native speakers. It is actually kind of cool; you are like a spy, trying
to figure out everything about the enemy so you can blend in perfectly (just do not refer to your
future friends as ‘the enemy’, though).
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Asking questions is a great way to keep any conversation going. Even if someone does not ask
you a question back, you can still ask them another question: asking a question is like pushing
the talk-with-me button.
Not everyone will answer every question, but remember that the one thing everyone is often
very talkative about is themselves: everyone is his or her own expert and many people like
themselves and their lives, hobbies and interests. So, if you are interested in knowing more about
a person, ask them about themselves and the things they have done. If you do not like talking,
but love to know more about another person, this strategy is the best. If you execute it rightly,
you will only be doing about ten percent of the talking -and that is mostly questions and some
short statements about yourself (because, be honest: you also have some interesting things to
tell about yourself… just not in that much detail).
The great thing about texting is that it makes it already slower to communicate, which serves as
a smokescreen for you to think about what you want to say, type it, rewrite it and check it one
last time, before you send it to your friend (and he or she will never know that you took your
time formulating your words). One of the most stressful things about talking to someone might
be that you feel like you have to come up with some brilliant reply as soon as the other person
stops talking, but with a text-messaging-service you can chat live, while still having some time to
think.
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Moreover, remember that “extroversion comes with the tide”. If you feel great, it is good to try
to come out of your shell, but instead, if you feel sad or tired, it is okay, healthy even, to go into
full introvert mode. Do not do anything that you do not feel comfortable with; feeling happy, or
having to feel happy the entire time, is also unhealthy behavior (we are people, sometimes we
feel terrible and that should be acknowledged).
Furthermore, going to an activity does not mean ‘doing everything at that activity’. If, for
instance, there is a Karaoke Party, please go (even if you do not want to stand on a stage and
sing). It is a great opportunity to mingle with your close friends, without ever going on stage to
sing. Nevertheless, if you feel up to it, you can try to go on stage and sing with a group (you
know… just in the background so not many people can actually see or hear you). P.s. Extroverts
are also often scared to stand on a podium by themselves.
The bottom line is: choose where you want to go to and what you want or do not want to do at
an event. Try to push yourself a little bit outside of your comfort zone, but remember: whatever
you feel is right IS right.
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Who are your most outgoing, social friends? You can “ride their coat-tails” and tag along with
them to events you might not otherwise feel comfortable attending, and begin meeting new
people through their naturally extroverted personality.
Don’t feel intimidated by your friend if he or she woos the room and you feel like you’ve taken a
back seat or are hiding in the shadows. Remain confident and smiling. You can even ask your
friend outright for help meeting people — they will happily oblige.
7. Reduce Anxiety
Introverts may approach small talk with anxiety, ranging from slight apprehension to debilitating
dread. One introvert told me that he fiddles with his phone or hides in the bathroom just so he
can avoid idle chitchat. To curb your anxiety, stay rational and positive. Tell yourself any of the
following:
▪ “What’s the worse that can happen? If they don’t like me, so what?”
▪ “The anxiety is coming from me and my beliefs, not the situation. I can do this.”
▪ "Labels don't define me. I'm an interesting, worthy person with a lot to contribute."
▪ “Just because [XYZ] happened in the past, doesn’t mean it will happen again.”
▪ “I will reward myself with a quiet evening on the couch, watching my favorite movie.”
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8. Be Purposeful
Thoughts tend to be self-fulfilling. If you approach small talk with the belief that it will be dull and
pointless, it probably will. Instead of dwelling on negative thoughts (“I hate small talk,” “I’m awful
at this,” or “when can I go home?”), remind yourself that small talk isn't superficial. Small talk
serves an important purpose - it helps build the foundation for authentic conversations and
deeper relationships down the road. Approach small talk with renewed purpose by thinking of it
as the light appetizer before the main course.
One way to keep a conversation going is to get the other person talking. And the best way to do
this is by addressing open ended questions. Open ended questions require more than a simple
‘yes’ or ‘no’ answers, offering the possibility of much richer answers. Question like ‘What do you
think of this event?’ instead of ‘Do you like this event?’ Questions like these encourage people to
talk and they can be a life saver in stalling conversations.
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▪ Question: "How are you?" Short response: "Fine." Better response: "Good, thanks. I'm
getting ready for my vacation to England. It will be my first time in Europe, and I look
forward to trying proper English tea."
▪ Question: "Where are you from?" Short response: "Seattle." Better response: "I'm from
Seattle. It doesn't rain all the time, and I enjoyed the amazing seafood and coffee. There
are Starbucks on every corner."
▪ Question: "What did you do this weekend?" Short response: "I went house-hunting."
Better response: "I went house-hunting. We're considering the city versus the suburbs.
We can get more house in the suburbs, but the trade-off is the commute."
▪ "What do you do?", followed by "How did you enter that profession? What brought you
to that type of work?"
▪ "Have you attended events organized by this group before?" followed by "What did you
think of today's presentation?"
▪ "Where are you from?", followed by "What is your hometown like? How is it different
than here?"
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Another way to avoid mind-numbing small talk is to share a few details about yourself and see
what sticks. If you work in an office or go to school, you probably get asked the questions “How’s
it going?” or “How are you?” several times a day. Instead of giving the typical response (“I’m fine,
how are you?”), expand on your answer. Give a few details about your day. You might say
something like, “Very good, I jogged early on my favorite trail this morning. Now I’m feeling
great!”
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However, don’t make the mistake of oversharing. You shouldn’t launch into a 15-minute
monologue about your latest existential crisis or discuss all the possible causes of morning’s
indigestion. These conversation topics would be more appropriate with a close friend, not a work
or school acquaintance.
When you share details about yourself, notice how the other person reacts. Do they keep the
conversation going by asking a follow-up question (“Cool! What’s your favorite trail?”), or do they
give a disinterested nod? If the other person doesn’t seem interested, try revealing another detail
about yourself until you hit on a topic that gets the two of you talking.
▪ “To be honest, I don’t go to parties very much. I feel pretty overwhelmed being here.”
▪ “No. I don’t want to go. I’d rather stay home and have some me time.”
Of course, don’t take this to the extreme. If you insult or overshare, you risk alienating your
conversation partner. However, if done right, even one authentic admission quickly builds
intimacy, because honesty draws people in and makes them let down their guard.
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The getting-to-know-you process was accelerated using a set of thirty-six questions that
encouraged deep dialogue. At the end of the experiment, the intensity of participating partners’
bonds was rated as closer than the closest relationship in the lives of 30% of similar students.
And that was after only 45 minutes. Sharing emotional, personal information proved to be a
potent way to kindle feelings of connection.
According to traditional dating, including controversial subjects, like politics and religion, in first
date conversation must be avoided.
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They are not trying to show off — they just have a rich vocabulary and deep expertise and are
defaulted to technical language and acronyms when they talked to people, mostly because they
think that it is efficient. Of course, no one knows that. Everyone thinks that the person is being
arrogant and condescending. And that perceived coldness has a cost. So, such people have to
start using conversational language, and when technical jargon is required, they provide context
for it so it becomes easier for people to understand.
The result? Such people get consistent great feedback. Not only about their communication style
but also about who and how they are as a person.
Of course, people don’t get a personality transplant, they just got better at speaking. And that
starts sending the right signals and direction to the people around them.
I encourage you to reflect on your own speaking and communication skills and consider the signal
you might be sending out. What might shift and improve for you and your business if you took
your presentation skills to the next level?
Men and women tend to have strongly different tastes in film. Only 4% of men in the study liked
musicals, compared to 29% of women, and 49% of men liked action films, compared to just 18%
of women.
Participants who talked about movies ended up arguing, while those who talked about travel
fantasized about dream destinations and shared stories of memorable holidays. The latter makes
people feel good, and consequently makes them appear more attractive to one another.
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Take the attention off of yourself by making your interaction with someone about them and not
you, and you won’t feel like you’re buckling under the pressure of “putting on a show.”
This technique will also make you feel more comfortable to open up yourself and get familiarized
with the group of people with whom you’re spending time.
If you don’t really care about others then there’s no point in pretending to be curious about them,
or if you don’t really listen to them. In fact, it could backfire! To make small talk, develop a sincere,
genuine attitude towards people. Listen to what they are saying, and follow up on what your gut
tells you to do or say next.
“People are flattered when you find them appealing – and they naturally reciprocate,” says Dr
Ann Demarais, a psychologist. When you show interest in others, your likeability factor increases
because it shows you’re confident. “And when you’re confident, you appear more attractive,”
she says.
Different people like talking about different things. The difference between a faltering
conversation and a humming one is finding what the other person enjoys talking about.
Take what you already know about the person into consideration. People like talking about what
they know. If you know any of the following things about a person, that's a good start:
▪ Their job/career
▪ Their passion/hobby
▪ Their family/friends
▪ Their heritage/history
Use the things you know about the person to steer a conversation. If, for example, you know that
the person you're talking to rides bulls for a living, ask them about other bull riders, or cowboy
culture, or what it was like the first time they rode.
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That’s because people find it easier to connect with someone based on something that happened
in their past. What makes an average person happy are the positive events that occurred in their
childhood or teenage years that they haven’t forgotten.
Thus, if you’re speaking to someone in your age group, bring up an old television show that you
used to admire as a child. Think of songs, movies, or even commercials that you remembered as
a teenager.
This raises peoples youth and make them feel great because you resurrected the adolescence
sentiments within them. This is buys you another 10 to 15 minutes of conversations if you
continue exploring the different stages of each other’s childhood and teenage years. By then,
you’ll find a different topic to shift the conversation.
If you are an introvert, you are also a thinker. So treasure and use your ability - the ability to think
creatively. Remember one saying from Zig Ziglar,
“You are the only person on earth who can use your ability.”
Usually, people will recommend you take less time of thinking and instead express your ideas.
But I recommend the opposite, you do not need to say anything. Sometimes you’re better off
saying nothing at all. Just go ahead with your thinking. Keep thinking until you find some unique
ideas. Then make a statement and everyone will listen to you.
Instead, in a different approach, ask some thought provoking questions. Imagine that. In a
discussion, when people are discussing enthusiastically about their ideas. Then all of a sudden
you bring up a thoughtful question, people may go into silence immediately to think, even work
together to brainstorm ideas for your question.
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Because you are an introvert, you have the ability to observe. Therefore, you can master
questioning skill.
People listen to your body language and your words when you're talking to them. In fact, the 7%-
38%-55% rule, developed by Dr. Albert Mehrabian, states that what we say only accounts for 7%
of whether we are liked by a person, whereas our body language accounts for 55% of whether
we are liked. Some tips for you as you continue to work on your body language:
▪ Don't cross your arms — or your legs. The other person may consider it as you being
haughty.
▪ Maintain good eye contact without staring. Staring at the person so long that they feel
uncomfortable is not a good thing.
▪ Keep your shoulders relaxed. Your body’s tension can manifest itself as tension in your
shoulders. This tension if spotted, can make the person more likely to be ill at ease.
▪ Nod every so often and lean forward. When you nod, your conversational partner gets
the signal that you're keeping along, while leaning forward communicates that you're
interested in the person.
▪ Face the other person and don't fidget. By facing the person you give them your undivided
attention. Not fidgeting will allow you to show your conversational partner that you are
zoned into the conversation.
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If your answer to these questions is a strong “yes”, then it’s probably high time you reconsider
your communication skills. If you don’t know how to keep a conversation going, it can hurt your
confidence and discourage you from initiating interaction with other people.
To get you on the right track, here are some of the things you can say to keep a conversation
going.
It’s also an open-ended question which means you’ll get more than the usual “Yes” or “No”
answer. You can use the other person’s response to push your conversation further.
B. Current Events/News
Don’t pick anything negative or controversial to start off with as it can either kill a conversation
or create a wrong impression on your part. Start with something a lot of people can relate to,
such as a local parade, a recent theater showing or a movie that just came out recently. You can
easily tie some of these events to hobbies someone may be interested in.
Using these things as topics can help you connect with people with the same interests and
opinions. For example, if you point out how the decorations don’t match the atmosphere, you
might hear people say that they noticed them too and how odd they are.
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Once people are able to feel that you connect with them in terms of interests, they can be more
confident and comfortable to share their thoughts and ideas.
One key thing to remember when it comes to using this topic as a conversation starter is to avoid
dwelling on unfortunate events. Although it can help you connect with other people, talking
about someone tripping in the hallway can leave you looking like the bad guy.
You might even be surprised to hear lots of food and drink recommendations from these people.
F. Participating In An Activity
If the gathering you are at has some activities, you can try participating. Most activities in
gatherings and events are usually held as an icebreaker for the guests.
They can be as simple as playing a short game, acting, or singing. The idea isn’t to push yourself
to your physical or mental limits, but to get involved and get the atmosphere going. You can
almost always talk about the activities with the people involved afterwards.
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It doesn’t have to be a flashy performance. It can be as simple as showing some of your artwork,
manuscripts or pictures of dishes you’ve recently cooked.
People can easily get bored if you keep on narrating the things you’re good at. Although showing
off is nice, you should still keep it to a minimum. You wouldn’t want to look like your bragging
your skills.
You don’t have to be too creative or a comedian to crack a little joke. In fact, you can simply start
off by sharing a funny story or making a witty inquiry that’s relevant to the current topic. You
don’t necessarily have to make people continuously laugh. However, once you’re able to start
with a humorous tone, it’s relatively easy to switch topics.
25. Be Prepared
This might sound silly but it’s not! This actually gives you a very strong feeling of confidence and
makes your conversations much more relaxed, compared to the stress of “shit, what should I say
next??” Now you know exactly what you’re going to talk about next, so you can simply focus on
making the most of your current topic.
Personally, any time I think of an interesting topic, I hear a story, a joke or I come up with a
question for her – I write it down in a notebook, and when I talk to her on Skype or phone I keep
the notebook somewhere close to me, in case a dreadful awkward silence somehow kicks in.
It is strongly encouraged that you make a list in your mind or even put on paper some topic ideas
that you plan on discussing with your conversational partner and save yourself the frustration
and stress of coming up with creative ideas on the spot.
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Don’t be afraid to let all your introverted personality traits shine through! This will make people
like you because they’ll feel you’re normal and human…just like they are.
Remember that you don’t have to keep a conversation going no matter what. If the person you’re
talking to simply refuses to participate in the conversation, you can end the conversation politely
and go talk to someone else.
Every introvert has the responsibility to at least try and make a conversation work. And if you do
this well, you will be significantly more able to make great friends and influence people.
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