Avoiding The Dating Games - How To Spot A Potential Relationship

Avoiding the
Dating Games
How to Spot a Potential
Relationship
S.S. Neely
XY
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P.O. Box 1615
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AVOIDING THE DATING GAMES: HOW TO SPOT A POTENTIAL

RELATIONSHIP. Copyright © 2007 by S.S. “Sumumba Subokwe”
Neely. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of
America. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in
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ISBN-13: 978-0-9792500-1-9
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Acknowledgments
I believe the most high and natural acknowledgment
any man or woman can give is thanks and praise to God. My
openness to His spirit, power and energy has, time after time,
touched me in different ways, and at different times, leading
me to where I am in life and thus the creation of Avoiding
the Dating Games: How to Spot a Potential Relationship.
One of God’s greatest blessings was my mother,
Pearl L. Shannon—my best friend, confidante, and most
avid supporter. Her love, joy, pain, zest for living, and
nonreciprocal search for love, inspired Avoiding the Dating
Games: How to Spot a Potential Relationship. Although
Mom joined our ancestors on April 27, 2006, she was the
unofficial editor of the first few chapters of Avoiding the
Dating Games: How to Spot a Potential Relationship. Much
to my surprise, she took no exception to the poignant, yet
painful, passages I wrote about her and her last marriage.
After twenty plus years of being in an emotionally abusive
relationship, she had become tired and, although a great
writer and communicator in her own right, she knew how
important Avoiding the Dating Games: How to Spot a
Potential Relationship was to me, and how it would help
the many women and men in unhealthy marriages and
relationships. Thank you, Mom. You will never be forgotten
and, through my life and works, the world will know beauty
when they hear or see your name. Rest in peace, love, I look
forward to the day we meet again.
I would also like to acknowledge my sister, Shauna
Neely, and former husband, David Osei-Yaw, for inviting
me to New York City and holding me down for the first few
months. Boy! The wealth of life experiences and stories I
iii
witnessed and experienced in New York City, has given me
material to write for years to come.
Thanks to James Gilmore, my brother in arms and
struggle. I can still remember the day we talked about what
truth really meant. You helped me learn what I thought I
already knew. Thank you, brother!
Thank you, Bernetta Wess, for being there for me from
day one. I do not know if you realize how much your belief,
hospitality and you telling me I was the bomb meant to me.
Your words helped me value myself, and time, more.
Thank you to Keala Jacobs for helping to edit parts
of Avoiding the Dating Games: How to Spot a Potential
Relationship and Yolanda Block for the wonderful original
cover of my self-published version of Dating Games.
Avoiding the Dating Games: How to Spot a Potential
Relationship also would not have been possible had it not
been for all of the beautiful women who graced me with their
presence. Good or bad, right or wrong, you have taught me more
about my own shortcomings and, even more, my strengths.
I would also like to thank all of my family and friends who
have been there for me, and supportive of me, when I needed
you.
Last, but not least, I would like to give thanks, and
dedicate Avoiding the Dating Games: How to Spot a Potential
Relationship, to all of my ancestors who continue to sustain and
guide me. If I stand tall, it is because I stand on your shoulders.
I seek to honor you through Avoiding the Dating Games: How
to Spot a Potential Relationship and my life.
With love,
Sumumba
iv
Contents

vi
vii
Introduction
I
suppose I have had similar life experiences as many
African American men when it comes to love, dating,
relationships and sex. The statistics usually say that
the majority of us are raised in a home without a man, but
even if such statistics or theories were correct, far too many
men, have lived, and learned through the half-truths, twisted
illusions and outright deception that this culture posits as
reality. In such a world, these circumstances have led to the
common assumptions and mistakes that many men make. Such
erroneous zones of thought extend to every part of our lives, not
the least of which would be our relationships. Once I began to
realize some of these mistakes, I fought to achieve many of the
externals that women declare to want in a man, yet I still find
myself single, alone and with few seemingly true prospects of
finding real love. I have been told by several women that this is
absurd—they usually say that since I am physically attractive,
intelligent, and positive—I should not be single. However,
when I pressed one female friend about what makes me such a
good catch, she said, “Sumumba, you know you got it goin’ on.
ix
Avoiding the Dating Games: How to Spot a Potential Relationship
Come on, man, you’re not like most of the men out here, who
only want a piece of ass. You read, you love your community
and just are on some different stuff.”
Wow, I thought, maybe if this woman wasn’t already
married I wouldn’t be single! However, that’s unimportant.
While some women have been very poignant in their
observations of me, I wondered how much it really mattered
that my mother and I were best friends, how I highly respect
women, or how I’ve been dedicated to inner growth and the
community. I am loyal and far from being violent or abusive
toward women. I agree with some women that I differ from
some men on the other side of thirty, due to my having no
children, being college-educated, never been incarcerated,
curious, gay, bisexual or on the down low.
With all this going on, I sometimes wonder what is really
going on with me because I am a man who actually desires a
relationship, and if you factor in that I live in a city of eight
million people, where more than half are women, my being
single makes no sense.
Before I proceed, here is my disclaimer: It is my hope
that what I write will not be construed or misunderstood as
my being a sycophant. I merely understand the circumstances
I exist in and, while I am conscious and confident of what
surrounds and encompasses me, I am nowhere near conceited
or arrogant.
As you read on, you will recognize that it took me several
years of sobering and arduous life, dating experiences,
reading, research and inner work to realize, achieve, and
bring out all the wonderful blessings received from God. Yet
the same beautiful things that are within me, are inside all
men, in general, and particularly African American men.
Six years ago, it was out of sheer frustration with
my personal lack of building and sustaining a romantic
relationship with a woman, that I first thought about writing

Introduction
Relationship. However, back then, I was still hampered by the

self-sabotaging, simplistic and superficial notions as to why
I, and many men and women, was not successful in the love
department.
Like many, I summed up the relationship quagmire by
simply pointing toward men’s tendency to cheat. I also thought it
was men not acting right, by ignoring the multitude of available
and quality women. Yet, at times in my hypocrisy, I also took
advantage of men’s infidelities and shortcomings by playing
the good guy. My dating game was to illustrate how different
and better suited I was, compared to the multitudes of playas.
Because I was unhappy at being single, my angry twisted
thinking led me to believe that women should be thankful
that a man like me existed. Since there were supposedly so
many uneducated, incarcerated or otherwise unavailable men,
I should not have had any problems finding a good woman.
Right? Wrong. I was so caught up in my own misunderstanding
and ego, I parroted the same half-truths, improprieties and
deception I often heard others speak.
Naturally, such twisted and ego-rooted thinking only
made the situation worse, leading to continued frustrating,
disastrous and unsuccessful attempts to connect with the right
woman. With each failed attempt at relationships, I would look
inward at the ugly visions that others seemed to have of me in
my youth.
After deep reflections, and even more lonely nights, I once
again began to think something was inherently wrong with
me, and the way I was created. I never thought I was special
because I wasn’t blessed with the tall, dark and handsome
idealized mystique or look of a Mandinka Warrior or Denzel,
and I certainly never had the bank account of a CEO or
professional athlete. But, because I was developing an external
vision of black pride, I knew I couldn’t pretend to be something
I wasn’t.
xi
Still, my lack of confidence, spurred on by the failure to

be in a relationship as I grew older, often resulted in a silent
depression featuring reoccurring bouts of overeating, deceit
in relationships, meaningless sex and occasional nights of
inebriation. When I did find my type of woman, she often had
a man, was not interested in me, or was not emotionally or
otherwise available. It was in this depressed place where I often
felt I was resigned to a future that did not include a woman.
Yet, somewhere deep inside all of this, I refused to give up
on women—specifically African American women. I cannot
forget how African American women were raped, abused and
rearranged over hundreds of years since arriving on U.S. shores.
I knew I needed a woman who looked like me, smelled like me,
and could relate to what I experienced, on a daily basis.
Even in my worst and most cynical moments, I still prayed
that my queen was indeed out there.
One day, she showed up at my job, not as my future queen
but rather an angel. Her name was Bernadette. I had known
her in college, but only in passing, where she was a slender,
well-groomed, attractive education major. As Bern’s visits to
my job became more regular, our casual conversations began
to delve into career goals, followed by our life’s passions and
spirituality. My growing romantic inclinations for her were
eventually doused when she said she would soon be moving
to Florida. Thankfully, she did leave me with great excerpts
from Acts of Faith: Daily Meditations for People of Color by
Iyanla Vanzant. After reading Acts of Faith, and a few other
spiritually- and culturally-based books, I slowly began to
mature, think and grow on entirely new levels.
The culmination of my dating experiences, as well as
research on relationships and working with singles and couples,
led to me to write Avoiding the Dating Games: How to Spot a
Potential Relationship. I do not claim to be the classic cheat or
playa, rather, always being Mr. Nice in a relationship.
xii
Introduction
As you read, you will digest snapshots of my dating

life and see how nice guys can be corrupted and turned
into playas. Ultimately, it is also my hope and intention
that this book be the opening salvo in the struggle for men
and women to begin looking at the root of their issues
in relationships. Until we explore the root causes of the
high divorce rate, and children being raised in single
parent homes, which started with the f lawed practice of
dating in this culture, we can begin to develop healthier
relationships.
While the Creator blessed us all with a divine
uniqueness, most human beings have glaring similarities.
Take a detail here, an event there, some drama over here, or
trauma over there, and when it is all said and done, we all
feel, have witnessed and been through many of the same
situations in life. For a variety of reasons, this is more true
for African Americans.
Let us shout it in the matters of life, and our love
relationships, a collective Amen as we have certainly seen and
been through many of the same things.
Whether it is the man who knows exactly what to say—
and how to deceive even the most sophisticated woman into
bed, and out of her mind—or be it that strong, educated and
independent woman who, on paper, has it all together, is faithful,
reliable and perceived as the one, yet when all the haze settles
and her “representative” leaves, is as conniving, confused and
unfaithful as Mr. Perpetually Wrong. In Avoiding the Dating
Games, I will discuss my attempt to explain the truth behind
that which we appear to be.
This may be a hard pill to swallow, but people and how we
see them, what we have experienced, and even desire, in no way
resembles the reality of who men and women truly are. Nor is
true happiness and love even possible with what we think we
want in a mate. Take a few moments to ponder what you have
read before you continue.
xiii
Like William Shakespeare, I have also learned that life

is basically a play or series of plays, productions, movies and
dramas we all star in for most of our lives. As we evolve, or
stay stunted, we often engage in various roles based on the
many fictionalized scripts we read, which is where many of our
life’s problems are born—dramas produced and unhappiness
sustained.
As we drift from one negative life/love experience
to another, we often begin to perceive how bad the other
person acted, with our focus locked solely on the after affect
or symptoms of each negative event, in every situation that
eventually causes the dissolution of the relationship.
Some of us will blame ourselves, others will rationalize
how the other person was the main reason for the break up;
due to a flaw in their character. If we continue to go through
enough of these experiences, we typically begin to formulate
the perception that all men are like this or most women are like
that.
When we are in this space, we fail to look at our own
actions, addictions or responses to such behaviors and seldom,
if ever, do we question the script presented to us from the
moment we were born. Even fewer of us question, acknowledge
or are aware of how those scripts, otherwise known as cultures,
actually created the experience in the first place.
Relationship was created out of real life experiences, research,
and working with our communities—families, children, single
mothers, married couples, and youth—over the last fifteen
years, as well as conducting a series of relationship workshops
and events, over a span of six years.
My journey, and living throughout America, played a
role in the development of Avoiding the Dating Games and
observations regarding relationships. I was born in Missouri,
raised in California and attended a historically black college in
Louisiana, where I came of age.
xiv
Introduction
Since graduating from college in 1994, I have been back

and forth between all of the aforementioned places and, for
the last nine years, have settled in New York City. The one
thing that is sure about all of those places and experiences
is that only the accents, weather, geology and geography
separates them when it comes to the frustration, dysfunction
and drama arising in our relationships. Life is much the same
all over, although Manhattan is a world of its own, or at least
my dating experiences in it seems to have been. But, more
on that later.
Unfortunately, many of us would be hard pressed to
name more than five couples over fifty who are happy, much
less two couples under forty. By happy, I mean self-assured,
interdependent and fulfilled couples, beyond those things that
may adorn them, or even how good they seem to get along—two
inwardly secure and happy individuals, who love one another
and everything else around them, on a daily basis. Loving
does not refer to the codependent; overly testosterone/estrogen
laced, and visually connected type of moment that many swear
is love.
Writing Avoiding the Dating Games was therapeutic, as
I have come to experience real love and know that it is more
than some gooey emotional feeling that originates because
of someone else and resides outside of me. Love and loving
relationships are more than some unfortunate happenstance of
which I have been unlucky at achieving.
I also wrote Avoiding the Dating Games for everything
my sister, cousins, aunts, uncles, and friends have gone through
with their mates. I also dedicate this book to my mother and
father, who died prematurely, largely from broken hearts.
I hope this book will be a wake up call to the men who
aren’t truly taking the time to look at themselves and how they
are living. Lord knows so many of us are also tired of the many
dating games. But, how often do we do anything about it?
xv
I am challenging the many women who say there are not

enough good men, yet walk by them every minute of every day
without even so much as a glance.
Young women who are contemplating dating and
relationships should use Avoiding the Dating Games as a
preventive guide. I have a four-year-old niece, and I wonder
what type of young men she will encounter when she becomes
interested in dating. If things don’t change, she won’t have
classes to take or a culture that supports healthy relationships
to assist her in finding a suitable mate.
Above anything else, it is my hope that Avoiding the Dating
Games will be the beginning of a meaningful dialogue, between
men and women, which can lead to a better understanding,
communication, and healing in building healthy relationships.
Call me crazy, or a dreamer, but I do believe it can be done! For
our own sake, and that of our children’s, we need each other as
women and men in healthy relationships first.
Between these pages, you will read letters and thoughts
from former girlfriends, and other women I’ve dated, as well
as some of my own thoughts and actions, many of which were
created in the midst of my most dramatic productions.
I will also provide many new rules to dating and love, and a
resource guide for women and men to utilize for creating honest
and healthy dating and relationship experiences. Avoiding the
Dating Games: How to Spot a Potential Relationship will help
you realize how my own erroneous perceptions, drama, and
not knowing who I really am, have kept me from experiencing
the fullness of love.
What follows is my journey to that place.
xvi
DATING GAMES:
Part 1
SHOT GUN LOVE
October 17, 1972
Dear Sumumba,
I guess this day is not meaningful to you. You keep saying
this is just the day that we fucked, but it’s not. I guess you don’t
keep up with important dates. That day as you say, was not on
this day it was the week before that. I guess when I kept saying
the 10th you thought that was the day. We officially were
together on the 10th. If you want to celebrate the 17th, you will
be celebrating us being together for a week. Last October 17th,
I didn’t write down the 10th being the day we fucked. We did
that before the 10th. I guess I’m the only one who remembers.
How could you be so wrong? Even though it is our anniversary,
I don’t feel happy. This is the day I waited for and nothing is
happening like I had hope. I wanted to wake up in your arms
and cook breakfast and feed it to you in bed, but I guess this day
is just not special to you as it is to me. Sumumba, it has been
a great year and having you in my life has made it even more
special. I know we have gone through a lot and we have had our

differences but I still do love you. I hope you don’t wait too long
to realize it. I also hope this isn’t our first and last anniversary.
I will be happy when you realize you have someone special, but
until then my heart will remain empty. I can’t understand why
you are hesitating on spending the day with me.
’Happy anniversary, ‘Mumba’
Love Raina

Shot Gun Love
Fall 1970
I
can still remember the pressure and the guns.
First it was the police officer stationed at the
bottom steps of our apartment and then it was my
father’s supporters and brothers from The Movement, with
bandoleers and shotguns in hand, protecting us after the
murder of Leon Jordan one of the founder’s of Freedom
Incorporated. Not taking any additional chances, my father
was also always packing, but in one of his more careless
moments, he left his gun on a chair near my then pregnant
mother. Thankfully, when I picked up the piece I didn’t
know how to use it. While my father’s group was not as
militant as the Black Panthers, he wasn’t scared to defend
himself, his organization or our family by any means
necessary. His group Freedom was an integral part of the
civil rights movement in Kansas City, Missouri, and through
the efforts of my father, Jordan, and several others, black
folks began to gain a certain level of power throughout the
city. They did this through the courts, block-to-block voter
education and registration drives and mass mobilizations.
These developments threatened the powers that be’
A few years before this, when the movement was just
beginning to gain strength in the mid 60’s my father met
my mother through a mutual friend. They dated for a brief
time, until the night dad took my mother to a party but left
with someone else. The next day after realizing what he had
done, profusely apologized and later that day he brought
her a ring and proposed. They married shortly thereafter
and about a year and a half after that, I was conceived at the
height of the movement.
From what I’ve been told, the text of their marriage
was one of the classic activist/‘not so activist dichotomy that
typified many relationship struggles in black communities

of the late 60’s and early 70’s. If their relationship was a play
it would read like this: country girl raised in the segregated
south meets, dates and then marries the city boy who’s
trying change the world in the north (but actually Midwest
in this case).
Because dad was deeply involved and identified with
the movement he became a target not only of the white
power structure in the city, but also the Italian mafia, which
(at the time held a economic strangle hold on certain parts
of the black community. But after years of struggle and
eventually winning many battles to free the black folks,
dad’s mentor Jordan, was shot and killed in a mysterious and
still unsolved case after closing a tavern that he owned.
Dad said it was Jordan’s woman who had set him up
by telling him to bring home a lot of liquor and when they
found his body, he had two sacks in his hands. He was shot
in the back at close range, execution style. Several years
later, he also told me to watch the Godfather trilogy closely
to see how women could be the downfall of men. I suspect
that this theory played a role in him never fully trusting
women.
The beginning of the end for my parents came shortly
after a female in the movement and close associate of my
father committed suicide with his gun. There were many
theories about this but I never got the full story. I got the
idea from dad that he thought my mother had suspected
that his associate was actually his lover and that in some
way he was responsible for her death.
Shortly thereafter, my sister was born and more of my
mother’s attention became more focused on her newborn
daughter than her marriage. As my father became even
more involved in the movement, he also met a Polly, a rich
woman from Houston, Texas. It wouldn’t be too long before
dad would ask mom for a divorce.

Shot Gun Love
The timing couldn’t have been worse because around

the same time my mother had found out that her mother
was dying of a rare disease.
With a pending divorce and two small children, she
was devastated. A few months later mom decided to move
her family to California to spend the last year and half of
my grandmother’s life with her.

NEVER SATISFIED:
Trading up
Fall 1992
I
didn’t even realize how callous I’d been with Raina
and her feelings but the truth is that we should have
never gone beyond the friendship stage. I first her
through her roommate Tonya, from Minnesota who was he
was a short, slim and chocolate cutey. Tonya’s father had
been a Black Panther in Chicago. Besides how fine she was,
what attracted me to her was the fact her father had passed
down a wealth of knowledge to her concerning African-
American and world history. During this time, the Rodney
King verdict had just been handed down, Los Angeles was
burning and my activism on campus was at its peak. When
I started dating Tonya, there was always something about
her that just never felt right. Soon after Tonya introduced
me to Raina, we almost instantly connected. This was
because Raina and I had a bit more in common because she
was also from the Bay Area and we soon found out that we
had mutual friends back home. As our friendship began

Never Satisfied: Trading Up
to grow with Raina and relationship with Tonya started

to deteriorate Raina began participating in the student
organization I was leading.
I soon learned that Tonya was creeping with Andre (the
campus drunk). Although this was college and drinking
was a natural part of the life, Andre developed a reputation
for a being over the top lush. One day it got so bad that he
was arrested for public intoxication in front of the freshman
complex. Still Tonya chose to keep sneaking around with
him while also dating me.
The week after Andre’s arrest Raina officially joined
my organization, and while Tonya continued talking, as if
she was down for the cause, she always claimed to be too
busy to attend the meetings. By the time homecoming had
come around Raina and I were best friends. Even though
I had now known about Andre for some time, I made the
mistake of continuing to date Tonya under the delusion that
me being a good brother would eventually when her heart.
For some reason on homecoming night, I, Raina and Tonya
decided to hang out after the football game. I think I had
one too many bottles of Cisco that night because I got into a
small automobile accident when I made a left in front of an
oncoming car. Tonya got pissed at me for the accident that
she tried to find a phone to call someone to pick her up.
Raina however had my back throughout the whole
incident and by the next week after I got word that
Tonya and Andre were caught kissing in front of the girls
dormitory I not stopped dating her but also stopped calling
her altogether. I wasn’t too hurt though because by this time
Raina and I would were on our way to becoming lovers.
That was my first mistake because I got into that
relationship by default simply because she was there for me
when I needed her. In retrospect, I think Raina really did
love me but I was never truly in love with her. I like many
men who love women who love us, are always looking to

trade up.

My First Love
O
ne of the lessons learned from my Raina
experience (and as bad as that situation was
it was still probably my best relationship with
a woman), is that even when we men are involved, deep in
our collective subconscious mind, we are always thinking
of ways we could be with, or upgrade to a better woman.
It doesn’t matter how long we have been dating or married
to someone, nor how decent the relationship is with that
woman, somewhere deep in our subconscious is that other
woman who always seems to be out of our reach. For me,
this line of thinking began in elementary school with my
first crush, Lisa Taylor. I don’t remember much about her
personality but I do remember how pretty she was. Most
of the time she wore her natural hair in pig tales parted
down the middle, and with her smooth mocha skin, thick
eyebrows and long eyelashes punctuated by her beautiful
and beaming smile, I was sprung at seven! It’s funny but I
still smile when I think of her to this very day!

When Lisa changed schools the next year, I was

shattered but thankfully a couple of years later a new girl
came to the school. Her name was Nikki and she was head–
and-shoulders above all the other girls in school. Most
of the boys wanted to be with Nikki. But sadly, the cool,
smooth fastest running, best dressed cat Gerald would end
up making Nikki his girlfriend.
Even though he wasn’t a fighter, or bad boy, he still
somehow seemed to garner much respect among the boys
and adoration from the girls. It was almost a given that
he would get Nikki, but still, secretly I held out hope and
bided my time by going after the next best thing, Lee-Lee,
Nikki’s best friend. I figured since I couldn’t get Nikki, I
might as well try to stay close with her best friend, even if
Lee-Lee wasn’t as cute as Nikki. But, the more time passed,
the more I got into Lee-Lee. This relationship (if you can
call it that) lasted from the third grade to the fifth.
The two things that stood out about Lee-Lee was her
kissing me on the cheek once in the fourth grade, and the
longing I developed for both her and Nikki. Back in those
days it seemed that parents were a little tighter on young
love and I honestly don’t remember even being allowed
to call Lee-Lee more than a few times nor spending much
alone time with her. I did continue to harbor feelings for
Nikki and the more she remained out of reach, the stronger
the ghost of the forever desirous but always out of reach
female would follow me.
After the fifth grade, I left that school and my family
moved from a predominately Latino community to a black
community, where things changed radically
10
HEAD FIRST AND
FOREMOST
Fall 1987
B
y the time high school was over, I was more than
ready to get not only out of the house but also
the state, and because I would be attending a
historically black college with it’s bevy of beautiful black
southern women, I was excited beyond belief. I didn’t
have intentions of dating a whole lot of women there but
if ever there were a time when I was out there as a playa, it
would happen during these years. Located on the banks of
the Mississippi River, in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, Southern
University is one of the largest black universities in the
country. I just knew I’d find my future wife there. However,
not being socially prepared and trying to transition from
San Francisco, with its shortage of black women to being in
an environment of predominately young women between
the ages of eighteen and twenty-two, it was almost inevitable
that I would be chasing as many spandex stretch pants,
shorts and skirts as possible.
11
It didn’t exactly start out this way as I spent my

first semester on campus not chasing many women,
but one. Her name was Charlene and I fell hard for her.
She hailed from Lafayette, Louisiana and damn was she
fine! Standing at five-foot-six, honey caramel skin with
shoulder length brown hair, she had big brown eyes and
a smile to die for. Adding to all this was her Cajun/Creole
accent that drove me even more crazy.
Charlene lived in Boley Hall, the female freshman
dormitory that was right across the lawn from mine.
There was a slight quandary and her name was Zenia,
who lived in Octavia Hall, a few buildings over. She was
an upperclassman, cool, more mature than, but not as
attractive as, Charlene. Even though Zenia showed more
interest in me than Charlene did, I couldn’t get over how
fine Charlene was. This was an ill-fated decision, as
the thick southern valued Charlene just didn’t get me.
She always found many ways to turn down my many
advances and initially I’d rarely get more than a kiss or
an obligatory feel up when the opportunity presented
itself.
Those opportunities presented themselves on
the nights we would walk to the new Administration
building and make out inside its C-shaped brick wall
and behind the generator. I was always surprised that no
one caught us back there. Part of what stopped me and
Charlene from blossoming into a real relationship was
her not understanding where I was coming from in my
ever-expanding world view.
She didn’t understand why I considered myself
African nor did she quite get the reasons behind this
consciousness. This would also become an issue for many
other young women, even though at the time, everyone
was wearing African necklaces, quoting Malcolm X, and
Mandela was still in jail. Not to mention the fact that
12
Head First and Foremost
we all lived in a racist and segregated state that fiscally

neglected our state-funded university.
I didn’t understand why Charlene and other sisters
didn’t get it themselves. However, led by lust and the
illusion of love, I continued dating Charlene. She eventually
let me “go down on her” but never returned the favor. Each
time we came close to having actual intercourse, she always
made me promise not to penetrate her, and as bad as my
hormones were raging this wasn’t even the worst part.
Her rejection of my wanting to be more than special
friends only seemed to make my feelings grow. Eventually
I became the perfect mark because I was sprung and thus
willing to do just about anything for her, made it even
easy for her to take advantage of me. Soon I was running
errands for her, buying her things and even doing some of
her homework. This was not the black college experience I
expected but by then a subliminal denial had set in.
It had gotten so bad that one night I snuck into her
dormitory. Unfortunately she had nosey and hating dorm
mates so I didn’t even get a chance to sleep in the same bed
much less have sex with her. Instead, I was underneath it
for most of the night.
The next morning, not knowing what exactly to do, I
enlisted help from Georgette (my home girl) who Charlene
called to help sneak me out of the dorm. Georgette made
sure the hall was clear but for some reason we decided it
would be best for me to catch the elevator and then make a
mad dash for it when I reached the lobby.
Foolishly, I ran right back to my dormitory, through the
front lobby and right to my room. My fate was sealed when
I picked up the phone and it was campus security. Not too
long afterward, I was led out of the dorm in handcuffs right
into a waiting police car. I was busted and it seemed like the
entire freshman class had seen or heard what happened.
13
A few days later, I was standing in front of the school’s

dean, some other administrators and student representatives
in a makeshift hearing room. I really didn’t have much of a
defense but still tried to mount one. I didn’t have a chance,
because although this was an all black school it was ran
by conservative administration. I was unanimously found
guilty. After my defense was rejected, my punishment was
to stay away from the freshman dormitories and go live
in the school sanctioned Best Western motel, which was
located a few miles from campus.
My deluded thoughts about love and a relationship
with Charlene were finally crushed completely when I
called her on Christmas Eve and her boyfriend answered.
I couldn’t believe it, but it made perfect sense actually.
It didn’t matter how I felt about things, her man was where
her heart was. He had just entered the Navy and that was
the only reason he didn’t go to school with her. Yet, even
after finding all this out, I remained in love.
I even convinced Georgette to take the fall for Charlene
for my sneaking into their dormitory and for this; she also
ended up being kicked off campus. But my punishment was
actually a blessing in disguise, because now being in the
Best Western meant that I would be treated to better food,
my own room, transportation, cable television, a swimming
pool, and the best part: freedom.
When I began to see that Charlene and I really had
no future, I began running women in and out of my
unsupervised room and soon each sexual relationship
became that much easier as my cynical and jaded thoughts
about love began to take over.
It would take me well past my twenties and into my
thirties to understand what a real relationship was, but
slowly I began to see that I wasn’t the only one.
14
PRELUDE TO A DISS
Spring 1984
I
t was a completely new world with hundreds of
kids running around, a serious mix of all ethnicity.
This was junior high school and we had just moved
into Lakeview, one of the few black neighborhoods left in
the city, and I was in for the cultural shock of my life. At
this time I also become interested and heavily involved
in sports; I played football and basketball but was best at
baseball. I didn’t have a girlfriend until the eighth grade.
Her name was Mary and I met her through my sister.
We dated for a few months. The highlight of which was
our kissing almost every day behind the baseball bleachers.
However, before my graduation from junior high, Mary
told me she could no longer see me because of Lionel,
the neighborhood bully. He was a key part of the school’s
championship basketball team. His heavily muscled arms
seemed to stretch all the way to his ankles. At the time,
he resembled a teen gorilla. I couldn’t believe I was being
15
dumped for him, but since he had a reputation for breaking

jaws whenever someone pissed him off, I wasn’t about to
fight him for Mary. Plus, I was about to enter high school
and I knew the females there had to be more on my level.
For some reason when I reached high school, I began
having reoccurring dreams of where I’d be in the year 2000.
The physical vision I had of myself was nothing spectacular;
in fact, it was pretty regressive and backwards. I had a
potbelly and a short gherri-curl. I always wore a gray T-shirt
and a white headband and was always playing basketball
in the park. I didn’t have a wife or kids, much less a job
or a purpose beyond playing ball in the park. Although I
was beginning to be exposed to other things besides my
hormones and sports, like politics and history, socially and
culturally, I was still pretty limp. Slowly, however, I began
absorbing some things about dating and relating between
young women and men.
One of my first lessons that confound me to this day
is why females choose jerks for boyfriends. This really
seemed to be the case with most of the girls that I wanted
in High School. My prospects for breaking this unwritten
but highly practiced rule weren’t helped by the fact that
my body hadn’t grown into the size of my head and lips.
The more I was rejected by the girls at school the more I
began to believe that I was not attractive enough to have a
girlfriend. By my junior year, I was, essentially, still a virgin
who hadn’t even dated a girl
But, then, to my rescue came Paula, she was one of my
mom’s best friends from Kansas City who had moved out to
California, along with another friend Jenny. Together they
were the first grown and full-fledged women that I became
infatuated with and for several years, they served as the
type of women I wanted to date or have as girlfriends.
This infatuation coincided with my budding
adolescence, physical development and hormonal urges. I
16
Prelude to a Diss
often dreamed of these two beauties. Paula was tall and

had a fierce 36DD-24-36 brick house build. She had honey
brown skin and sandy dark brown hair that went down to
her breasts. She had a way of carrying herself that (even at
sixteen) made me ask, “What’s wrong with the brothers?”
I mean how could such a sister not be married, or at least
have a man?
Unbeknownst to me Paula also had a daughter, Pamela
who was not only more endowed, but most importantly,
more realistic for me to hook up with. Growing up in San
Francisco with its high cost of living had driven many blacks
away from the city and to better opportunities across the Bay
in Oakland, Berkeley and Richmond. Correspondingly, the
pool of black girls always seemed short in supply. Suffice it
to say, me with without the self-confidence, no game and
a lack of style was either forced to cross the bay or stay in
wonder about the opposite sex.
Pam would soon change all of that.
17
SO WRONG, YET IT
FEELS SO GOOD
The College Years
T
o be perfectly honest, I can’t say that my
experiences in college were all necessarily bad.
It of course was a far different experience than
high school in terms of dating and relationships and the
overabundance of sexual experiences. By far, I’ve bedded
more women during that time than any in my life. Like at
many schools in the Deep South the environment is ripe
and the weather almost always induces and elevates the
appetites for sexual explorations and experiences between
the sexes and here I was one of the thousands of eighteen
to twenty-two year olds living in close proximity with one
another with little or no education about relationships
or the true meaning of sex. With such stimuli from the
opposite sex, I was bound to sexually act out .
Yet still I can’t say that I sexually set out to conquer as
many women as I eventually did. But, my early experience
with Charlene had skewed my view of trying to have
honest relationships with women. While I certainly wasn’t
18
So Wrong, Yet It Feels So Good: The College Years
as bad as some of the other cats on the yard—particularly

the athletes and fraternity brothers—over time I too began
to exploit the opposite sex for my own sexual gain and
pleasure. I wish I could attribute this to just being young
and dumb, but I think it went a bit deeper. At one point,
it got so bad that I actually slept with five women in two
days. Did I plan it to go down like that before it actually
did? No, not exactly. I was dating several women at the
same time. So, when they all offered it to me, I took it.
At the time, I was only seriously dating one of those
women and the rest seemed to want what I wanted, which
was sex. It was hard to explain then but one of the lessons
I learned about myself, and by extension other men is
that we indeed will sexually take what’s offered to us by
women. While there may be some males out there who set
out to conquer as many females as possible, there are more
of us who really don’t think things out when it comes to
relationships and sex.
It doesn’t matter that we are not knowledgeable
or in touch about the true function of sex or with the
emotional aspect of sex from the woman’s point of view as
receiver, the truth is that we are led by, and act upon our
under-evolved and lower animal nature. Just as women
are led and tend to think their emotions make them who
they are, rather than those emotions merely being a part
of them. Everything from sexually transmitted diseases
and unwanted pregnancies to broken marriages and
dysfunctional relationships can be attributed to our lack
of education of what love, sex, and relationships are all
about.
The ironic thing about my having many sexual
partners at the time was that the more I had sex the
more unsatisfactory it became. This wasn’t because each
experience was necessarily bad but deep inside what I
really longed for was love and a real relationship.
19
As my involvement with campus and community

politics increased, my sexual relationships decreased
(although there were times that I’d use my activism as a
shield for my sexual exploits). But, still, the more I began
to reflect on my own issues in relationships the more I
began to see how all of our problematic relationships were
connected to deeper issues happening both on and off
campus reaching into our community.
Slowly I began to shy away from one-night stands
and meaningless relationships all together.
20
POPPIN’ MY
CHERRY
Fall 1984
A
week after being introduced to Pam on the
phone by my mom and many awkward and
clumsy conversations later, I finally got up the
nerve to ask Pam to come and spend the weekend with me.
However, our fateful meeting was already in the works as my
mother and hers would begin to hang out, and go dancing
on a regular basis. Although Pam wasn’t a beauty queen,
she was attractive and her full breasts, nice round bottom,
illuminating smile and hazel eyes had me entranced upon
the first sight of her. She also wasn’t as fine as her mother
was, but she was fly enough for me. Hell, at this point my
hormones were raging anyway and with all the rejection
that young sisters were giving me, I was more than ready
to get it on!
The only real sexual experience I had, up to that point,
was with Deena, a fellow student who I met one day on
21
the bus in the summer of 1983. Our disastrous attempt at

sex made me semi-scared of females. (It wouldn’t fit and it
seemed like I was hurting her, but of course I didn’t stay
scared too long). When Pam finally came over to spend
the weekend, we initially just talked but when bedtime
approached, I informed her that she would be sleeping with
me. Looking back, I guess she must have been impressed
by the matter of fact way that I said it. Thankfully, my mom
and hers had left us alone in the house and said they’d be
out for much of the night.
Once alone, I don’t know if my heart had ever beaten
any faster as I led Pam down the stairs to my room. Her
body simply astounded me. Her flawless breasts stood up
almost perfectly and her nipples were big, red and perfect
for my full lips and curious tongue. Unlike some young
boys (and men’), my center of attention wasn’t only on
my protruding erection; I was very much caught up in the
entire experience, especially the kissing and sucking part.
We must have kissed for twenty minutes straight, and then
me sucking, and playing with her breasts for another thirty.
By the time I began to explore her torso, belly button, and
thighs with my fingers, she was good, wet and ready to go.
I was relieved when I finally got the nerve to put it in.
It wasn’t as tight as the first young lady I tried to have sex
with. Apparently, Pam had been active for a minute, or so I
quickly surmised. The longer the foreplay and strokes, the
wetter we both became. It got so bad that at one point, I had
to actually stop, pull it out, and look at my own wetness.
Don’t ask me why, it was my first time. It also was beginning
to feel like I was going to urinate inside of her.
After a futile attempt to use the bathroom, I figured it
was just a false alarm. Then, after another thirty minutes
of kissing and sucking, my even more erect penis began
to pulsate and throb. It was time to re-enter Pam. But, this
time around instead of going through the standard in and
22
Poppin’ My Cherry
out, up and down motions, Pam, joined me in my thrusting

and started moving her hips in a circular motion, lifting her
head up to gently bite, lick and then suck my nipples.
As my testicles began to tighten, I started to feel like
I was going to pee inside her again, but I couldn’t stop this
time. Nah damn that! I thought this was feeling too good!
Up and down, in and out, around and around. Her oral
skills were beginning to drive me crazy, and for a moment,
time seemed to stand still. My mind was thinking wait,
hold up, I’m about to pee (although the words never came
out) and then I just let it go.
All I remembered next was “Damn! I’ll never feel this
good again, or nothing will ever feel this good again.” I was
shaking, quivering, and in another world, I didn’t quite
know what happened, but it was my first orgasm.
Not even thirty seconds after that I also learned my
first lesson in pleasing a woman because even though it was
heaven to me Pam was still on earth. With a quizzical look
that read: What about me? I, still not knowing exactly, what
happened, said: “Give me a few a minutes.” I came about
two more times that night and so did she, but it wasn’t until
after she introduced me to the “lick it before you stick it”
technique. As she gently guided my head to her spot, my
tongue got quite the workout but I caught on quickly and
from the reaction her body was giving me, I apparently
licked her well. After a few more partners, I became quite
the expert in oral explorations.
Unfortunately, the relationship with Pam was short
lived due to my own immaturity, ignorance, and not
knowing how to treat her outside of the bedroom. Another
reason it didn’t work out was because Pam was actually
seeing someone else at the same time she was seeing me. He
was a major basketball player from Riordan High School (a
school known to produce many college basketball players).
Such would be the text for many of my future relationships.
23
It seems like the man with the highest profile, coolest

demeanor, street persona or money always got the girl.
Except for the primarily sexual relationship I had with
Pam, I didn’t date in high school. In fact, I didn’t sustain
any significant types of romantic relationships or sexual
activity until after high school. I found the girls in high
school to be so immature and unattainable that I would
soon begin hanging out at San Francisco State University,
trying to meet the real women.
Eventually, I did met one and she gave me as much
as what I thought was a relationship (based on sex). This
experience was so real that I caught a real case of crabs and
what I thought, until I was tested, was herpes.
Real love would seem to escape me until well into my
college years. But, this didn’t stop me from trying to get
all I could sexually from women. My actions within these
physical connections were more of an immature, ignorant
and unconscious thing than malicious, and in my heart
of hearts, I honestly believe that many young men involve
themselves in relationships based on sex for those three
reasons more than anything else does.
But, as they say it takes a fool to learn, and it took this
fool a long time to learn.
24
THE UNRAVELING:
Nice Guys and
Ex-Boyfriends
O
ne of the most beautiful things and enduring
lessons that I’ve learned from my mother was
to treat others the way I want to be treated.
Being raised in her single-parented home I always marveled
at how she made ends meet. At an early age this gave me
an entrenched appreciation of how beautiful and incredibly
strong black women are. Although my mother was not
militant, she once told me to “stick with a sister, because
they need support their brother’s love and support.” Now
that I think of it, perhaps it was some of those types of
lessons and the fact that she herself later married a mean,
selfish and deeply disturbed man, that contributed to my
becoming a “bring flowers a card and take her out to dinner”
type of guy. Yet sadly, for me, this “nice guy” persona rarely
made a difference to females back in the day.
When I was feeling a woman the only thing I ever
wanted out of that relationship was: understanding,
communication, cooperation, and to feel appreciated. The
25
more I dated the more it seemed like wanting those things

was always asking for too much, even though I always
offered to give the same thing in return.
Soon after graduating from college in the summer of
1994, I met and became involved with a former classmate
named Tamika. Thankfully, my loins had calmed down by
then and I wasn’t out there as bad. I made a vow to myself
that I would never repeat the Raina Experience. Insert
Tamika who actually had a boyfriend that went to school
out of state at the time, but their status didn’t concern me.
Even though my mom had emphasized the importance of
respecting women, until meeting this one, I tried but was
not always successful in that department. After enough
rejections my cynicism turned into my game, which was to
hold a romantic stance with sisters I liked, but do whatever
to and with those I didn’t like as much.
By this time the many years of frustration from pats on
the back, to sibling type of relationships with women, not
to mention the ambiance of going to a black college with
its abundance of sisters, had dulled my sensibilities and
eventually my romantic naiveté.
When Tamika initially told me about her boyfriend,
I went into playa-hate mode, telling her he was probably
unfaithful, so why should she stay true to him. She later
claimed she started disliking me after that.
Still, I chased her until the end of the year, eventually
being fed up, and moving back to California with my mom
and step dad, vowing to never to get involved with someone
already involved.
Shortly after that, I published my first book of poetry
and began a six-state, thirty-city tour. While I didn’t think
I would get rich, I thought it would at least pay some of the
bills. It didn’t and after not being able to secure steady work,
I had a major fight with my stepfather. Shortly thereafter,
26
The Unraveling: Nice Guys and Ex-Boyfriends
I left California for good, moving back to my birthplace,

Kansas City, Missouri to live with my half brother Damon.
During my time back home, I suspect that being broke and
my tremendous weight gain from all that KC barbeque and
soul food had hindered my dating life there. About a year
and a half of unsuccessful dating games later, I returned to
Baton Rouge, hooked back up with Tamika and became her
friend.’
She said that now was truly single but I told her I
already had a younger sister, and this time around I wasn’t
trying to be her big brother or male “girlfriend” because
my experiences had been that “nice” guys like myself get
misinterpreted as a hug a month or a shoulder to cry on
friend, but rarely anything more. To be honest I tried to
stick to my vow and not get involved with her initially, but
gradually as we spent more time together, feelings grew.
I had even more hope after Tamika told me about how
her now ex-boyfriend lied, cheated, and had a child with
someone else, while he was away at college, even though
they were still together. Although I didn’t want to rub it in,
I thought to myself, I told you so!’
She went on to say how she cried for weeks upon end,
and I could tell she had gone into a type of shell. While I
began to feel bad for her, I also I started thinking perhaps
this time around I would have a full-fledged chance with
her. This time no playing second fiddle to anyone! I mean
you’d think an ex (even your first love) who’d lied, cheated
and had a child with someone else would make a sister run
for the hills, especially a self-proclaimed and “independent
one,” right?
Still I was cautious, so I asked if she still had feelings for
him. She said “Yes,” because he was her first real boyfriend;
but after two years of separation, efforts at rebuilding her
life, sporadic and inconsistent communication and phone
calls that amounted to broken promises from him, had
27
forced her to move on. In her words, “I had a life before

him; I’ll have one after him.” That was all I needed to hear,
and after throwing my caution and better sense to the wind,
we began dating.
A few months later, into our “relationship,” and I use
that word very loosely, Tamika’s ex called and asked her
to come to his graduation. After “joking” that she was
regressing,
I began thinking that perhaps I made a serious error in
judgment about her and us as a couple. A few weeks after
she returned from his graduation, she admitted that they
kissed and she was still in love with him.
During all this time I was a faithful, consistent, bring
flowers-to-her-job, reading-and-writing-poetry, surprise,
support, make and take-to-dinner- as much as I could kind
of guy, but still it didn’t matter.
I certainly had my chances to be a player, but in the
course of our dating, I felt I had grown up, as I worked hard
to return to my mother’s instructions of being respectful to
women. I also didn’t want to put Tamika through what she
had already experienced but once her true feelings came
out, I stopped seeing her. I felt she had deceived both herself
and me as well. I was so starved for connection leading up
to her going to see him, that in my haze of denial I deluded
myself into rationalizing her actual treatment of me that
seemed to deteriorate the more they talked on the telephone
and the closer his graduation got.
Things were about to change as I was on my way out of
Lousy-ana to pursue a better life in New York City.
28
DATING GAMES
Part 2
WELCOME TO
NEW YORK
Big City of Dreams
I
can’t believe how stupid I was for not taking my
sister’s advice of saving at least $1,500. Instead, I
rolled up in New York with only $300. Yet here I
was at Mr. Chow’s where the bill came up to $1,600 friggin’
dollars! It was a six-coarse meal of Mandarin chicken,
roasted duck, wild spinach, rice and a variety of foods
I had never even heard of, and though there were eight
of us, I knew I couldn’t give up what little I had. When
all eyes fell on me to pay my part of the check, my sister
swiftly jumped in and said, “This is on me but welcome
to New York.”
From that day on, I’ve learned two important things:
one never under any circumstances offer to take a woman
out to dinner if you can’t pay the whole check and two,
New York, for all it’s glitz, glamour and opportunity, is a
very expensive place to eat, much less live.
Yet, here I was, to begin my new life, start my writing
career and maybe meet that Essence-type woman who I
31
had always dreamed about and plastered the model of the

month on my walls for about two years as a teen.
Before I made the decision to move to The Big Apple,
I had been in Louisiana for about four years too long and
was going nowhere fast, career wise. Even though I had
two jobs and my rent was only $210 a month, life was
a struggle. Not having a car or a full-fledged career is
a death Nell if you’re trying to have a dating life there.
Besides, The Tamika Experience had left a bitter taste in
my mouth.
I just knew my life in New York would be leaps and
bounds beyond anything Lousy-ana had to offer me, where
even with a college degree your options can be quite
limited. After visiting New York for a week the year before,
I was sold on the place. But before then I could have never
imagined living here, but after a week of partying with my
sister and her then boyfriend, in the VIP sections of most
of the tightest parties and seeing all the fine women there,
I was in love.
A month after passing a criminal and background
check by the Board of Education, I had several schools to
choose from to start my first full-time salaried job as a
teacher.
Thankfully, my sister knew Brett, who was moving
from the city and was leaving his relatively spacious and
cheap apartment available, uptown. Within a month and a
half, I had my own place and a job teaching middle school
in Brownsville, New York.
Before I received my first full paycheck, my sister
decided to treat me to lunch at her favorite Caribbean
restaurant in the village. I soon learned that this place was
actually a gay spot on the low (as my sister puts it) but I
didn’t mind. I figured I could get some writing done there
in peace.
32
Welcome to New York: Big City of Dreams
My sister seemed to know everyone in New York,

including Mark our waiter, whom she met through an
acting class. I had been to the restaurant before but for
some reason I had never noticed the waitresses that
worked there, until today! The one who really caught my
eye was actually our host. She had to be one of the most
beautiful women I had seen in New York. She had a tiny
waist, jet black, shoulder blade length curly hair. She was
beyond some of the finest sisters that I’d seen down south.
But, I figured, she surely had to be out of my league. Hell,
I didn’t even have a full paycheck or a phone at that point,
only a pager that my sister had given me. I quickly let go
of any premonitions of trying to holla at the sister.
Fate had a different plan, however, as Mark, while
taking our order, said one of the waitresses thought I was
really hot. There were only two working there at the time
and of course, I wanted it to be the one I was checking
out. When I asked him which one, much to my delight, it
was her. Since I’m actually extremely shy when it comes
to approaching women, I figured my best bet would be to
approach her with something original. So, I wrote her a
poem on a napkin, along with my pager number.
Her name was Asmara. She was part African-
American, part Ethiopian and all gorgeous. After reading
the poem, she looked up with a look of embarrassment on
her face but then smiled. When she came over to our table
she said she liked the poem and would page me soon. She
was twenty-three, in school and even more beautiful up
close.
I was stoked!
33
The Perfect Woman:
Part 1 — Illusions
”Seldom, any splendid story is wholly true.”

—Samuel Johnson
S
he had on a black sheer dress, her hairstyle:
Anita Baker- like, perfectly tampered on the
sides. She wore opened toe shoes, her pedicure
immaculate, make-up minimal, and lipstick cherry red. In
a room of scantily clad women, her image sparkled with
class. In fact, she seemed to be at the wrong party, yet there
she was. I was clocking her hard but I wasn’t too obvious.
When our eyes finally met and she smiled, I asked her if
she wanted to dance, and to my surprise, she said yes. A
few songs later, some drunken jerk kills the vibe after he
drops a drink on her feet.
It was bad enough that the club was already like a
sauna (and even worse after dancing) so I asked her if she
needed a napkin or something to drink.
34
The Perfect Woman, Part 1: Illusions
“Thank you, I’ll have some water please, but I’m going
to the bathroom to wipe my feet,” she replied.
“Okay, I’ll have the water ready when you come out,”
I said.
After about thirty minutes of watching what seemed
like every other woman in the club walk out of the restroom,
I drank her water, bought another drink and said to hell
with it.
An hour later I saw one of Anita’s (I called her that
because I still didn’t know her name at that point but she
reminded me of a younger more light-skinned version of
the singer) female friends sitting on the side of the stage.
Her friend who was not as attractive as Anita was, but
since I saw them talking to each other earlier I figured I’d
ask what happened to Anita. She lucidly pointed toward
the bar where my Anita was standing with a champagne
glass in hand, talking to a guy with a similar glass in his.
Naturally, I assumed he was getting his “Say, baby, I only
drink Dom Alize” mack on!
Dude was wearing a baseball cap turned to the back, a
thick platinum chain, baggy stone-washed jeans, Timberland
boots and a thick Coogi sweater (that I mistakenly thought
went out with Biggie Smalls). He actually looked like a rap
industry wannabe who’s on the verge of discovering the
next hot act in hip-hop. I was disappointed but continued
talking to Anita’s friend. She was a teacher like me but
the more we talked the less there seemed to be a reason
to converse about. Her one-word answers to most of my
questions made her seem rather boring.
Eventually I politely whispered, “Take care,” then
walked past Anita and the dude she was still drinking with,
to mouth “Hello,” as I headed back to the bar. After asking
the bartender to loan me his pen, I found a napkin and ten
minutes later produced a full-length poem that read:
35
Dreaming of you:
A gentle rain
A thrusting pain
Two shallow three deep
We live in shadows
Love in gallows
Closing my eyes
I see you
In green
So divine
Do you remember?
The time?
I made it worth your while
And you listened to harps
As we sailed
Down the Nile…
I fanned you
All the way to Punt
And days lasted like months
These are some of the things
I think of
When you let me
Show you love…
At the end of the poem, I listed my e-mail address and

phone number.
When I turned around to see if Anita’s friend was still in
her haze—I figured I would take the risk of passing her the poem
in hopes she would give it to Anita. Yet to my pleasant surprise,
Anita was sitting beside her. So, with a gentle smile and the simple
words take care I passed Anita the poem and left the club.
36
The Perfect Woman, Part 1: Illusions
Needing some relief from that steam room of a club, I

stepped into the next-door bodega for a bottle of water. As soon
as I walked out of the store, I hear the roar of someone with too
much horsepower in his sports vehicle. Next thing I see Anita and
her friends pointing and in unison saying, “There he is!” Right
then I realized that the asshole revving up his vehicle was my
sister’s boyfriend who I rode to the party with. As soon as I began
to focus my attention on Anita and her crew, my sister’s boyfriend
suddenly peels out of the parking garage and everybody standing
outside of the club is seemingly frozen in astonishment, and
admiration. Somewhere in the asphalt dust of the mini-ruckus
caused by his 2000 Porsche, Anita disappeared.
37
MY FIRST DATE IN
NEW YORK CITY
W
hen Asmara saw me walk through the door,
she had that same embarrassed expression
on her face as when I handed her the poem
with my pager number on it the month before. I do not
know if she felt guilty for not calling or awkward about
the fact that I didn’t get her message in her not calling.
It didn’t matter at that point because I was in fat city,
after receiving my first paycheck. I quickly diffused the
awkwardness by striking up a conversation about Jazz. A
week later, we went on a double date with my sister and
her boyfriend to see The Roy Hargrove Quartet at the Blue
Note in the village.
Not only did I want to show Asmara a good time, but
also repay my sister and her boyfriend for taking me in,
helping me find a place to live, and making the suggestion
that I move to New York in the first place. It was a beautiful
fall evening and a great night. We met George Benson and
a drunken Q-Tip on the way to our seats. The highlight of
38
My First Date in New York City
the night was seeing Asmara’s engaging and captivating

eyes while listening to a solo piano performance of
Ethiopia.
Afterwards we strolled through the West Village,
talking and taking in the sites and history of this historic
neighborhood. Finally, I’ve found a home and maybe even
a good woman, I thought to myself. We then stepped into
Arthur’s for a late night drink. This unassuming but lively
bar and lounge had a great blues band and we checked out
a couple of excellent sets. A few hours later, my sister and
boyfriend said they were tired and heading home. They
offered us a ride but Asmara said no, insisting that she lived
too far away and didn’t mind riding the train. But I figured
I should at least escort her home on the subway. But since
she lived in Co-Op City in the Bronx, she tried to convince
me otherwise by saying, “You know you really don’t have to
ride with me all the way home.”
Since I didn’t know exactly where Co-Op City was, and
because I was almost tapped out, money wise, I couldn’t put
her in a cab. I felt compelled, as a gentleman, to escort her
on the train ride home since it was late at night. For reasons
that I would only understand much later she was pretty
insistent on riding the train home by herself. Nearing Gun
Hill Road, she pointed out all the brothers on the train and
said that she felt safe around black men. When we got off
the train, it was approaching 4:00 am. I felt I should at least
walk her to the bus stop and wait for her bus to arrive. I
still figured I was only being a gentleman but as the bus
approached, I had felt a strange sensation as we crossed the
street when she gently eased away from me and didn’t even
wave goodbye when she got on the bus.
I took about three other trips with Asmara to Gun Hill
Road. Anyone who lives in the South Bronx or Uptown
knows how far that is, especially when you start from the
Village or SOHO, as most of our dates did. It’s at least a
39
forty-five-minute to an hour’s drive. In fact, Gun Hill Road

is so far you have to take not only the subway but also a
shuttle car to get there.
I could tell the situation wasn’t going too well by the
crabby way she acted on our final date. Our evening started
out good. We had a great dinner at the Supper Club and
then saw a Roy Ayers in concert. However, afterwards when
we got to the club Life she started acting real shady, where
she, on one hand refused to dance with me, but on the
other said it was okay for me to dance with others. When I
actually did, she got really upset.
Once again, I had spent well over $200 on the date—
coming from the south that’s about three or four dates. I
was pissed that I had spent all that money for her to act
as if I didn’t matter and then be jealous when others paid
attention to me.
At the end of the date, my sister’s boyfriend insisted on
taking her home but at this point, I was hoping she would
say no again like on our first date. I would have certainly
let her ride the train alone because I was getting tired of her
attitude. But she said yes to the ride and it seemed like Co-
Op City was in another state rather than another borough.
I so wanted not to be in that car with her at that point.
It would be our last date but not the last time seeing
each other.
40
TOO BEAUTIFUL:
Part 2 — Illusions
I
was very shocked when Anita called! I could have
sworn the sister had just blown me off. Her name
was actually Princess. Oh the irony, I thought. She
was a business major and in her senior year at Rutgers
University. She said that she was kind of tipsy the night we
met and had to watch out for her friend, whom was both
high and drunk, and that’s why she didn’t get a chance to
really talk to me. Yeah okay.
We set a date for the following Friday, since she lived
in Newark and knew the neighborhood I lived in. She said
she’d drive and pick me up. One of the advantages of living
in the New York City is that you don’t necessarily need a
car and females won’t always judge you if you don’t have
one. This is very different from many parts of the country
where you need a whip (a ride) and are automatically dissed
and dismissed if you don’t have one. Unfortunately, when
Princess and I arranged our date, my bills were accumulating
and I needed my mom to wire me some money, since our
41
actual date was to take place a few days before I was to

receive my paycheck.
Perhaps that should have been a sign that my date
with Princess was ill fated from the start. If my stopping
at Western Union before dinner was not enough, certainly
her visit to my largely unfurnished apartment had done the
trick. We ended up going to an Italian restaurant in SOHO.
As bad as those initial signs were, what really ended any
illusions of a second date was when she told me that she
was in love with a brother in prison who she just knew was
her soul mate.
She rambled on how she met him while stuck in a
traffic jam, and on first sight, she knew he was the one.
According to her, somehow, he had gotten a bad rap but
she was working diligently to get him out of jail. She never
revealed why he was incarcerated and, at that point, it really
didn’t matter. All I could think, for the rest of the night, was
here’s another educated, young, beautiful black woman
who’s single, yet in love in with another bad boy loser.
We spoke a few more times on the phone and through e-
mail but thankfully, she didn’t try to milk me for anymore
dinners or pay dates.
As if on cue, and picking up where Asmara left off,
Princess was merely another illusion I had of a perfect
woman and the other side of the reality of the supposedly
single relationship ready, and qualified sister who many
folks seem to think are so readily available for the brothers
who sadly can’t see them, because we are out here being
playas, chasing white women, unemployed, on the DL or
gay.
I was none of those things but still single.
42
HERE WE GO
AGAIN
I
t was 1999 and my first full summer in the city, my
Asmara Dating Experience had sewn some early
doubts in my mind about women being different
here than anywhere else. I was really looking forward to
the Essence Music Festival that was being held in New
Orleans, Louisiana at the end of June. I had been to the
annual festival the year before and had a ball for the short
period of time that I was there. This year the festival failed
to disappoint the highlight of which was meeting Pat. I was
still feeling Asmara but her attitude and treatment of me
made Pat more of a viable option, even though Pat lived in
Texas. The relationship I shared with Asmara was built on
partial truths, unspoken words, sporadic communication,
and my spending ridiculous amounts of money on our
dates. While my internal alarms were always active and
going off, I chose to ignore acting on them.
I, once again, rationalized so many things, like my
always having to call her, was merely her way of playing
43
hard to get. Not even when she said she wasn’t attracted
to me would deter me. Although my feelings for her had
died down some, in the back of my mind I figured I still
had a shot so I kept in touch with her by sending her music,
books and videos when she went to France to spend time
with her extended family there. I knew her bus driver
friend did not write poetry, send her inspirational things
or take her to the types of places I had, so I figured I was
still in there. Plus when she asked me, “How do you know
someone is using you for sex?” I figured she was having
second thoughts about him.
But a few weeks later, I knew it was over when she told
me that her friend had visited her in France. When I asked
her if she could ever see me as more than a friend she said,
“No.” Soon after, she sent me this short letter.
Sumumba,
I hope that you are doing well and enjoying these few
enjoyable months we call summer. I would love to know how
the Essence Festival went. Anyway, your last letter was not a
surprise. You have always been honest and open about your
feelings and I knew this just friends comrades would not last
long. However, on a deeper level we will always be special
to each other whether or not we are in contact. I understand
your dilemma and I do not want to add wood to the fire by
holding on to this camaraderie. It’s selfish of me and it makes
it harder for you to grow. So we will remove ourselves from
this relationship knowing that with death comes life. You are
a positive, strong, beautiful king and I have been blessed to
have you placed in my life. Thank you for giving all of yourself
by sharing your opinions, and gifts, innate and material with
me.
Love and blessings,
Asmara
44
Here We Go Again
What made me decide to ignore all the alarms? Well

many things, actually, first I thought that our differences
about life seemed to shrink over e-mailed messages and
shared spiritual development on both our parts. I also
assumed that my weight loss and muscular development—
well documented in the pictures I sent her—had given me a
fighting chance.
Meanwhile Pat and I began melting into a long distance
relationship, so I took some solace in the fact that I did
get Asmara into Jazz, reading Vanzant, Dr. Ben and even
Mumia Abu Jamal. I sent her one more letter explaining my
frustrations at spending so much money, time and emotional
energy on her, but she didn’t reply. Several months later, I
decided to go see Asmara at her job for the last time. When
I arrived she acted very cold at first because of the letter
I sent, until I explained that where I come from a woman
does not have to put out or be in a relationship if a guy
spends a lot of money but then again she doesn’t have to act
ugly if she’s not feeling him either!
She eventually opened up and began hooking me up
with free drinks from the bar. Not wanting to wear out my
welcome, I briefly left the restaurant and brought back a
dozen roses. It was the last time I would see her and when
I gave her the roses that same embarrassed expression
returned to her face as when I gave her the first poem.
Maybe I’m looking at this wrong but I felt I got played
because if I would have known her soon-to-be boyfriend
was actually driving that late night bus that she liked to
ride after our dates, I would have saved all those three-hour
roundtrips riding on the train, and given up after our first
date.
Although I wasn’t totally down on New York women
from that experience, it did alter my view that I might easily
find my soul mate here.
45
DATING GAMES
Part 3
Smiling Faces
Essence Music Festival,
1990
T
he strain of living in the city had taken a heavy
toll on me; coupled with the wasted energy on
Princess and Asmara, dismounting from the
plane and seeing the pretty, smiling and friendly brown
faces, pushed me right out of that New York pensive and
cynical state of mind. Even my boy Jeremy’s (ever the
miser) insistence on staying at the raggedy Ramada Hotel
didn’t bother me because here I was among thousands of
beautiful black women.
During my first Essence Music Festival the year
before, I was shocked after attending an empowerment
session about improving relationships between black men
and women that it seemed there were actually sisters who
genuinely wanted healthy relationships with brothers.
But before I go on, let me explain what the Essence Music
Festival actually is.
Every year, this multi-faceted cultural event takes
place in New Orleans, Louisiana around the Fourth of
48
Smiling Faces: Essence Music Festival, 1990
July holiday. Officially, its main attractions are the free

empowerment seminars, and three nights of music concerts
at the Louisiana Superdome. Throw in the unique food and
culture of New Orleans and it’s an excellent destiny for a
vacation.
For me, and the relatively few men hip to the event, it is
also a smorgasbord of women from all over the country. The
festival has been estimated to average nearly two hundred
thousand people each year and I would say that at least 70-
80% of the attendees are women, fine women at that!
A few years after graduation Jeremy, one of my closest
friends from college, and I decided to use this event as a
reunion of sorts between us and other friends from the
yard. Neither one of us had much long-term luck with the
ladies on campus. But somehow his experiences were even
worst than mine due in part to his politics, the intensity of
his major and, I’ve been told, his short and stocky stature.
We also both had issues with women even after graduation
and up to this point. Suffice it to say with all the sisters
at the festival, Jeremy, who now lives in a small town in
Wisconsin with very few black women, and I were bursting
at the seams.
The first day of the festival, I also met two brothers
from New York while working out in our hotel’s weight
room. Both were cops who confirmed for me that the sisters
in New York are on some different stuff. They both said
that one of the major reasons why they attend the festival
is to see some friendly, smiling faces and maybe make
some new connections. They too were trying to escape the
craziness of the city. Their names were Clyde and James
and hanging with them made me feel like I wasn’t the only
brother who saw how crazy dating in New York could be,
and often was.
The three nights of incredible and varied genres of
music was only surpassed by the enlightening empowerment
49
seminars that took place in the convention center during

the day. I met many sisters at this event, as had Clyde and
James. Jeremy seemed to be more interested in only getting
laid, even to the point of paying for it. I witnessed this one
night when some sisters rolled up in a car asking, “Where
dem dollas at?” I basically had to plead with Jeremy not to
take them up on their offer; he would later get pissed at
both himself and me that he hadn’t paid to play.
I continued to meet many women during the few
days there, but it wasn’t until the last day of the festival
that I met some sisters that I actually got a chance to sit
down with and really talk to. It all went down after the last
empowerment session at a food court near the convention
center. I was with Clyde and James, (Jeremy, as had been
the case for most of the festival) was on the “P” hunt and
not around. In a group of seven sisters, all very attractive,
James and I struck up a conversation while waiting for our
food with two of them, and from there we all decided to sit
and eat together. I couldn’t decide on which sisters I wanted
to holla at and ended up getting all of their numbers and/or
e-mail addresses.
Unfortunately, our lively conversation about dating and
relationships was cut short because they were all headed
back to Texas on the same flight, which was leaving in a
few hours. I was able to narrow down who I wanted to talk
to the most though. It was either going to be Sheryl from
Dallas who was a accountant, Leticia, a real estate agent
from Houston, or Pat the Architect, also from Houston. All
three were cool, beautiful, educated and intelligent, but the
only one who would even consider moving to New York in
her future was Pat who I eventually decided to kick it to.
After a few weeks of phone calls and a seeming
connection, I and Pat, decided that I should come visit her
in Houston.
50
SIX TYPES OF
WOMEN
S
orry, she’s taken.
Sabrina would tell me after my not so subtle
inquires about one of her friends. Of course,
she is, I thought. But then again, aren’t most well-rounded,
intelligent, decent looking and in shape women in this city?
I can’t exactly say that I wanted to holla per say, but I was
still interested nonetheless. She seemed nice enough, she
was banging and I thought her comments about my nice
moves on the dance floor meant I had a chance.’
Since first arriving in this city that rarely sleeps many
of the myths and realities of Gotham have either been
reinforced or obliterated through my experiences. I’m
starting to think that maybe my expectations are too high.
Maybe I shouldn’t have thought I’d meet someone in a club.
Hell my first experience should have told me this when I
met this Dominican sister one night in the VIP section of
club NV. We danced for most of the night and had a good
running conversation. While we were drinking away and
51
flirting non-stop, things seemed perfect but by night’s end

she told me she couldn’t give me her number because I was
black. It didn’t matter that she was darker than me; she said
that she couldn’t bring me home to her father.
That’s yet another irony to the dating scene in the city,
for all of the visually beautiful women here developing
relationships are hard and very confusing with its many
twists. It also seems that the city has hardened many of
the women here and their negative suspicions often run so
deep that it’s hard for a man to even get his foot in the door
no matter how single a woman claims to be (but I’ll get to
that later).
In one of my MANY theories about New York City, I’ve
come up with six major types of the women here, which
include:
1) Married and happy—rare but they are out there.
2) Kind of married/separated—Many more exist in this
category.
3) Kind of-single—these women are usually very
attractive and have been dating a man for a long time but
cant get him to fully commit-so she flirts non-stop. Not
only does she do this to see what else is out there, but also
if “she still has it.”
4) Bitter with issues—I could probably write a book
about this type too, but I think we ALL know someone in
this category. This type is truly a man’s worse nightmare.
I’ll talk about her later in the book.
5) Single-on paper—These women don’t have an actual
boyfriend but that’s only until Pookie get his thing together
or Ray-Ray steps up to the plate. These ladies often talk
and complain about the lack of men around but they are
extremely picky and many times unrealistically so. This type
of woman is approached all day, every day but conveniently
find ways to stunt any potential love connections. She also
52
Six Types of Women
tends to pine for ex boyfriends or otherwise unavailable

men. This type of woman mistakenly believes that most
men are intimidated by her and her career, and she often
judges men based on their career and money, they are an
interesting bunch indeed!
And then there’s the:
6) The truly single—These sisters are usually cute but
either overweight or (not as) attractive to the average man.
These women just aren’t on top of the food/dating chain per
say. They are usually pretty friendly, kind and sometimes
have children but always open and available. But in a city
where men with a education, good looks and a little sense,
knows that they are outnumbered by so many beautiful
that the truly single woman usually get short shrift and is a
last resort for men, or they get used by them for sex.
What I labeled above have been the types of women
that I’ve come across and including the sister who’s taken.’
Man is it hard to catch a break. But still I believe that
the right woman is out there.
53
LOVE IN H-TOWN
G
etting off the plane and seeing Pat’s smiling
face had the same healing effect as when I
arrived at the Essence Music Festival a few
months earlier and the surprise she had for me when I got
there, made the ride down the darkened interstate even
more intriguing. I couldn’t believe I was this lucky to have
a woman, who was beautiful, smart, well rounded, spiritual
and romantic, driving me to a surprise and secret location.
When we arrived at the hotel, she had the room hooked
up. With rose petals leading to the bed, chocolate sauce
dripping down over strawberries, sparkling cider on ice
(since I don’t drink), warming smoked salmon in the oven,
and fresh steamed asparagus already cooked, with a side
of honey sauce, indeed this would be a night to remember!
After Pat went into the bathroom, she told me to sit on the
bed and close my eyes.
Moments later, she came out in a skimpy pink camisole
and then led me to the dinner table where she lit two
54
Love in H-Town
candles. I tried not to eat too much, because I knew what

was going down right after the meal.
With John Coltrane’s A Love Supreme as our
soundtrack, we made love for several hours and it was
beautiful! Anyone under the influence of Trane’s music
knows he has these otherworldly effects on syncopation,
movements, gyrations, thrusts and ultimately climax.
Afterwards in each other’s arms, we talked about the rest
of my visit, which included me meeting all of her family
and friends. They all seemed like a pretty cool, but I noticed
that all of her female friends were single except for two,
Diane and Elaine.
Diane was by all accounts in a healthy marriage with
Steve, while Elaine had a newborn daughter but was in a
shaky relationship with her husband Tyrone, who was
overseas in Kuwait.
Overall, the trip went down without a hitch and as time
went on Pat and I grew closer. I thought, finally she’s the one.
I began to push harder for her to move to the city and for
us to live together. But because my place was too small for
two people, we both began looking for a larger apartment.
I mistakenly thought she was also looking in the New York
City area for both an apartment and a job as an architect,
but when she started mentioning places to live in Jersey and
seemed more stuck on saving money than supporting me in
my aspiring career as a writer and workshop facilitator, our
relationship slowly began to go downhill. Not to mention
that as the physical attraction began to wear off and her
troubled past and conservative politics began to come out,
our relationship began to unravel even more.
I didn’t know it at the time but Elaine and Diane
had been in Pat’s ear and when we began having issues
she would lean quite heavily on their advice about our
relationship. This became evident when she began to echo
the sentiments of Elaine over that of Diane.
55
How ironic, I thought, that Pat would regurgitate

words from one friend in a bad marriage over the other in a
positive and healthy one.
When we organized a trip for her to visit New York,
our arguments escalated even more. They were always
over petty things and with Pat being a perpetually pensive
bundle of emotions, and I pushing (sometimes irrationally)
for us to move in together our relationship wouldn’t make
it into the New Year.
56
NIGHT OUT WITH
THE SISTAHS
T
he last time I was faced with this quandary
was at the Essence Music Festival a few years
before. Three women all smart, and fine yet,
of course all friends! I hadn’t been out to a club in quite
awhile and to be honest I think my self imposed isolation
and not dating for the past year or so, had hindered my
thoughts, because here I was around a bevy of beautiful
women and losing my damn mind. I’m sure I’m not the
only brother who’s ever been in this situation and for all
the talk about all the choices we rarefied single, educated
and heterosexual brothers have, there’s yet another other
side to the game that too few sisters are aware of. My
bachelor’s dilemma is: if there are only so many eligible
brothers for all these sisters, how do we make the correct
choice? And further: Are we wrong to explore all of our
supposed excellent options if it means approaching,
talking to, or dating more than one woman at a time?
These were the questions staring me in the face at that
moment.
57
Most people, who know me, and certainly those at

the Collective (which is a group of sister’s who started a
social and business networking group for black women
and later men), would never guess that I’m actually very
shy. It doesn’t help that of all the sisters that come to
Collective events, I may have only spoken to three or four
on a regular basis; not including Jenny and Denise. This
night my attention was initially focused one sister that I
met at another event the summer before. I noticed two
other sisters, one who particularly peaked my interest at
a Sunday event in Harlem a few weeks before. Just as my
luck always seems to dictate, all these sisters knew each
other and on this occasion had in fact come together.
I was unsure of how to proceed at that point especially
since there were also a wide variety of other sisters
already there. I wasn’t really on a hunt for a collecting
numbers but I figured that since I was already out with
all these cool sisters (and too shy to really step to them
on those previous occasions) maybe I should try to strike
up something more than the small talk that usually got
me nowhere. As the night wore on I noticed that some of
the sisters were gravitating to the two most salacious and
heavily gyrating- dancing brothers at the party. I tried not
to pay it much mind because I had other issues to deal
with this night and since there was only hour and a half
left before the end of the party and I was supposed to go
to Erykah Badu’s after party with my sister and brother-in
law.
At that point, I decided to go see them and my niece
who lived around the corner.
When I got there, my sister told me that she could
get me and whoever else into Badu’s after party and V.I.P.
room at the club, but first she was heading to dinner so I
would have to call her so we could meet at the same time
to ensure we would all get in.
58
Night Out With the Ladies
On the way back to the club I wondered exactly what

would be my strategy with the three sisters I had my eye
on. Should I offer them all a drink? Perhaps then I could
see who will at least give me the most conversation. Or,
should I just strike up a conversation with all of them at
separate times?
Since I only remembered one’s name I would have to
re-introduce myself, and then ask them theirs. I know it
sounds a bit silly on my part but I became more confident
when I thought about how good I supposedly looked when
one of my sister’s friends said I was losing a lot of weight
just before I left my sister’s place.
By the time I got back to the party, one of the sisters
was gone (thankfully, I had her e-mail already from an
earlier event). The other I was able to strike up a brief
conversation, she seemed really cool but a little later she
would be all over one of the dancing fool brothers that
seemingly still had most of all of the sister’s attention at the
party. Not too long after that, I noticed she was tonguing
him down in the corner of the club. Oh well, I thought.
The last sister was just so damn dry with her one-line
answers that I said to hell with it. I ended up kicking it
with another sister I had met at the first Sister Collective
event. She too had noticed many of the same things
that I had that night and we actually had some funny
conversations about the white folks in the club, the music
and how our group had turned the place out. But because
I had mentioned my interests in the BIG THREE at the
party I lost any possible chance with her. We both ended
up going to get some cheesecake at a deli down the block.
We talked about gay marriage, sisters in videos, and why
we were both single.
My sister then called to say Badu’s after party got
cancelled.
59
Slightly disappointed about that and the fact I was

going home alone once again, I decided to play it safe from
that point on and keep it on the nice-guy brother level with
the all the sisters whenever any future events would take
place. I did e-mail the one sister whose address I already
had, but, not surprisingly, she didn’t respond.
New York, New York, big city of dreams…
60
NO LOVE UPTOWN
The End of Me and Pat
T
he arguments between me and Pat had grown
uglier by the day. They usually revolved around
her moving here which she initially said she was
up for. She would also later say that she was just a country
girl and had never lived outside of Houston. I thought it
would be natural for her to want to see what it’s like to live
elsewhere and experience another place. But, the more we
talked about it the more it became evident of how much of a
country AND mama’s girl she actually was. She never said
it but I could tell she didn’t want to leave her comfort zone
and H-Town was it! It got so bad that at one point she tried
to get me to move down there.
But after living over 10 years in the South that certainly
wasn’t happening! It would be easy to say race plays too
much of a factor for my not wanting to move back there and
while I really didn’t mind moving in segregated circles the
surprising truth is that even some of the white folk down
there can be pretty friendly at times more so than people
here. But unless you have serious money down there and I
61
say money, I mean where you already own your home and
you have a big weekly royalty, or pension check, have won
the lottery, if not life can be pretty miserable and boring.
Well at least it was to me.
Even when I briefly entertained the thought, she said if
I moved down there, I would have to get my own place. She
had a house but was far too traditional to be shacking with a
man. It didn’t seem that she supported or cared about what
I was trying to do career wise.
At the time I was really beginning to see the need for
creating a forum to talk about relationships in our community.
I didn’t quite know how to go about it but I was always talking
about the importance of relationships. The topic didn’t seem
to interest Pat. This was crystallized one day when she said
people don’t always want to talk about relationships.’
I thought that this coming from a black woman was very
callous and shortsighted. As time went on I began to notice
that besides us both attending Historically Black Colleges,
we really didn’t share a lot in common. Soon it began to feel
that I was dating a Condi Rice type of sister. Although some
of my more radical leanings had passed, I still considered
myself somewhat of an activist and very concerned about
our community.
That is not to say that Pat did not share some similar
concerns, but beyond the black business/bumpy model as
salvation to our community, our values differed sharply. I
was still pretty Afrocentric in thought, action, and lifestyle.
I’ve calmed down a bit in recent years but at the time I
was dating Pat, my issue was nuance, or a lack of it. I wasn’t
developed enough to have the patience needed to deal with
her mentality. It probably wouldn’t have mattered because
our clashing values would have rendered our love moot in
the long run.
62
No Love Uptown: The End of Me and Pat
I was saddened that Pat and I didn’t work out but hell
in reality I had more of a bond and sharing of values with
Raina.
I am thankful for this relationship because it taught
me one my strongest lessons in the importance of values to
a relationship.
63
MS. RIGHT?
THE ESSENCE
MUSIC FESTIVAL,
2001
I
guess I was staring too hard by the way she said
“Hello.” Apparently, I was becoming too accustomed
to New York City’s women avoiding eyes and screw-
face frowns. This was refreshing indeed! Straight up and
down this sister was not only physically flawless but she
had attended an HBCU, and she knew and loved her father.
She had also been reading some of the same books as me
and stated that she was on the same spiritual journey. After
we danced in a Bourbon Street blues club, she mentioned
something about karma and for me it was a wrap. At that
point, in my life those were all the intangibles I desired
in a woman. On paper, she possessed all I could ask for:
intelligence, spiritual knowledge, looks, appreciation and
love for her father. Her name was Shalonda.
She lived in North Carolina and owned a town house;
she had a new truck and a good job with a computer
company. I ended up meeting many other sisters during the
festival but was most at ease with her. We seemingly had so
64
Ms. Right? The Essence Music Festival, 2001
much in common. At this time, I was getting more and more

into the Internet, as well as relationship issues. So much so,
I posted a list of 50 Things I Want In A Woman on my web
page. After viewing my list, Shalonda said that she agreed
with my points but also represented most of those things.
About a week later, we began a long distance courtship.
The majority of time we spent attempting to get to know
another was on the phone watching shows like Sex in the
City, Girlfriends and sometimes Ally McBeal. Afterwards
we would discuss the accompanying relationship issues
brought up during the shows that we both related to.
The turning point in our talking came the night we both
mentioned that we wanted to live in a loft somewhere in a
big city. A few weeks later, I sent her a plane ticket to spend
Labor Day weekend with me in New York. Although we
had a few major verbal scuffles and disagreements before
the visit, she potentially was the one.
There was a little drama when she arrived at La Guardia
because I wasn’t at the gate. But, after that, our four days
in New York City were some of the best days of my life. I
was feeling this sister on so many higher levels that I even
limited physical contact to a foot massage, hugs, and pecks
on the cheek and lips with her.
I also slept on my couch for the duration of her visit.
We ventured to the historical and nicer parts of Harlem like
Lenox Lounge, the Studio Museum, Sylvia’s, and The Sugar
Hill Bistro. We walked through Striver’s Row, even looked
at some abandoned and undeveloped brownstones that in
passing she said we could build up, rent and live in.
We also visited Brooklyn’s Afro-Chic Dekalb Avenue,
stopping by Carol’s Daughter, getting a drink at the Buttercup
Lounge and eating on the sidewalk at Chez Oscar’s. I told
her about all the times I had been to this part of beautiful
Brooklyn and some of the crazy dates I had been on.
65
Like the time I mentioned something about unconditional

love to a sister who had said that subject was too deep and
why couldn’t we just talk about Jay Z’s latest video. Or
another time when a sister complained about professional
athletes and entertainers who only wanted white women
yet she always seemed to be attracted to them.
For once I was in this neck of the woods and could
talk and take in all its beauty with someone who was
feeling me, as I her. It didn’t even occur to me to make a
move on the sister until the last night of her visit. But, after
trying to creep into my own bed during that night I was
politely rebuffed. It didn’t matter because I was content just
knowing that this queen was just in my presence. Can you
say S-U-C-K-E-R?
On paper Shalonda had everything that I wanted in a
woman but like so many sisters with the right qualifications
underneath the perfectly manicured nails, hair, college
degree, home and car, lurks a sister with many deep seeded
and unresolved issues. It was only a matter of time before
the truth revealed itself.
66
THREESOME
Fall 2003
D
ecisions, decisions. I hadn’t been on a date
for at least seven months, but here I was
debating on whether I should dress up or
not. Although this date actually consisted of me taking
myself out, it was still very real for me. Technically at this
point, I have been single for only two months and since
rolling solo I’ve pretty much cut myself off from most
social contacts outside of my job, family and a very few
close personal friends. I’ve also cut down on time wasted
online, in chat rooms and through Internet messengers,
which by and large had come to be my only contact with
the outside world. Since my father passed in December, I
just hadn’t been in a very social mood. Also, the addition
of my niece in early November has helped me re-focus
my energy more into family, and healing some of our
wounds.
67
As much as I wanted to stay in my shell I couldn’t pass

up this event. Wynton Marsalis and The Lincoln Center
Jazz Orchestra would be performing with an African drum
and singing ensemble from Ghana. I knew this event would
be high art and I attempted to invite my sister, brother-law
and niece to the event but couldn’t catch up with them. I
also invited my best friend James, but he had a speaking
engagement to attend. I didn’t really have anyone else to
call. And, even if I did, I wouldn’t have, because I wanted
this night to be only for me and people who have been there
for me in the last year or so.
I eventually decided to dress up a bit. I wore a black
blazer, my father’s blue silk shirt, black slacks and Kenneth
Cole no lace leather black loafers. I must admit I actually felt
I was looking pretty good. I didn’t expect to meet anyone
at this event but since I have such a high regard for jazz,
as well as African music and culture, I felt I should at least
look the part out of respect.
The concert took place at Miller Theater on the
campus of Columbia University. I wasn’t sure what kind of
crowd would be there but it didn’t matter anyway. I knew I
would be in for a musical and rare treat; since the Lincoln
Center usually plays excellent straight ahead jazz. Their
collaboration with the poly rhythms of West African drums
and music would make this performance truly special. I
wasn’t really surprised when I arrived and noticed that the
crowd was predominately white. Most of the jazz concerts
I’ve been to in New York and elsewhere are supported and
attended primarily by white folks. It doesn’t especially upset
me that they are there in such abundance at the concerts,
but what does irritate me is to hear some of us claim to
appreciate the music (that we created) so much, yet rarely
do we patronize it.
While I try to get out to as many Jazz related events
as possible, there are usually a lack of ladies in attendance.
68
Threesome
And, when they are present, very often they are on the arm
of a white guy.
I’ve always dreamed of enjoying this music with a
sistah at a concert, but jazz serves so many inspirational,
positive and interrelated purposes to me, that I’m usually
able to get some decent writing done because of its spiritual
and aesthetic stimulation. This fact makes it even easier to
go to such concerts alone and without regret. On this night,
this too would be the case but not the way I expected.
Not too long after settling into my seat at this decently
attended concert, two extremely attractive Sisters took their
seat next to mine. As my surprise abated and excitement
grew I assumed I would at the very least have some good
conversation before the concert and during intermission,
but soon my little buzz was quickly killed when I noticed
that one of the ladies was rubbing the other’s hand...
lesbians, eh? “Figures and Just my luck,” I weakly muttered
to myself.
I mean I wasn’t completely sure these two were together,
but as the night wore on it became evident that they were.
And even if they weren’t, they were pretty much in that New
York Sister state of mind mentality that I often speak of. I
say this because I was ignored when I mentioned that the
opening song was Africa by John Coltrane. I know I wasn’t
too loud or impolite in the way I said it. Their combined
lack of response or even acknowledgement of my presence
said it all.
The old me would have been turned on at the site of two
fine lesbians, but in all the time I’ve been alone and in my
reflections on dating in New York I began to feel a bit more
uncomfortable and this was exacerbated the more these
two touched and cuddled throughout the evening. Right or
wrong, I felt like damn this is my first night out and here I
am sitting next to two fine ass ladies who are not only in an
apparent New York state of mind but are also lesbians!
69
To keep my sanity I rationalized that God must be

getting a kick out of this and/or karma is still in high gear
for my past transgressions. Eventually I would laugh about
the irony of the entire situation and write this poem:
Recluse
i’ve been shunned
as I look in
suspended in stare
and tonight I’ll pretend
clenched eyes
looking the other
another way remembering
this night
embracing the next day
not that it/I matter
for past illusions
are long gone and shattered…
untitled and slow

east
I glance
and position
thoughts to the right
breath deeply
and hold...
I’ll await to exhale

rather
than explode….
70
Threesome
for
sight blue
in silhouette this night
majestically brilliantly
I again
dance alone
as the drums take me home
Intermission
rejuvenates the spirit
my love
unknown if he was here to hear it
feel it
let it course through her veins
no pressure
no stress
no drama
no strain
we’d go there
smoothly
soft and mellow

gentle fury
in motion /steady
I’d hold you
and let the music hold you
my weakness
your strength
your weakness
71
my strength
till the break of dawn
we will represent
syncopated
hymn to aten
the truth glowing in her eyes
to the east we rise…
Thankfully, when intermission finally arrived, I was

able to get some air and just happened to meet Cherie, a
beautiful sistah who worked for the Lincoln Center of Jazz.
We struck up a good conversation about how to get more of
our people into jazz. We then exchanged cards.
After intermission, I decided to change seats and chose
not to focus on my former row mates. By the end of the
performance the few black folk in my age range who were
there, descended into their own cliques and conversations.
As I headed back uptown I was thankful for the music,
inspiration for the poem and interesting conversation about
jazz with Cherie.
Who knows maybe I will meet more ladies who are
interested and concerned about the state of jazz in the
black community, and maybe even one day I will meet one
interested in me as well.
72
The Busy Sistah
“I wasn’t particularly interested in cultivating a meaningful

relationship in my 20’s and 30’s. It wasn’t until I was in my
late 30’s that I started thinking about it. My 20’s was about the
school thing, my 30’s work and now it is time for partnering.”
— Katt, Louisiana, Age 44
A
isha said she had three research papers to
complete and final grades to tabulate, about a
month into our getting acquainted over e-mail
and the phone. When finals neared, I made sure not to
disturb her by calling, and limited our contacts to e-mails,
which she usually responded to.
A couple of days after she submitted the final grades
for her students, she was finally able to call. I told her how I
really missed talking to her, and how I was looking forward
to hanging out with her. With the JVC Jazz Festival soon
approaching, I figured we’d finally get to meet in person.
73
Since we were both jazz fans what better place than an

early summer festival that featured the music. She cut our
conversation short because she was driving and didn’t have
an earpiece. She said she would call me back a little later
in the evening, but I didn’t hear from her for another two
days. I wasn’t tripping though, because I knew she still had
research papers to complete.
The next time we spoke she said she had some
concerns about me and her not being on the same page. I
suppose she took the comments about us hanging out as
me getting too serious, but she went on to say how our
conversations were too intimate for her on a few occasions.
From that moment, I began to lose a bit of interest in her,
I must admit.
Two things about me: I can sense when I’m getting
blown off, no matter what I say to a sistah on the phone.
If we haven’t met it’s never that deep. I found out about
a week and a half later that Aisha had not only traveled
home to D.C. but had hung out, partied, and been out on a
date with a friend, or so she said.
But still I felt like a fool! I mean here I was thinking
the sistah was still busy, so I had given her space by not
calling. Yet she’s not only hanging out, but dating. This is
yet one more side of the dating games, rarely mentioned
but played by women.
I’ve found in my experiences especially dating
professional women that the reality of the busy sistah is
that she’s never so busy where she can’t call or at least
send an e-mail.
I’ve come across many who play games worse than
some brothers. More often than not, the reality is that her
“busyness” is either a symptom of her having issues with
priorities and balance, or she’s just plain having second
thoughts about the guy she’s seeing or talking to.
74
The Busy Sistah
Sometimes it’s a combination of all those things.

More often than not she’s already dealing with someone
else and for some reason is afraid to admit that she’s
just not that into him. But because the guy is descent,
she wants to keep him around—just in case— while she
explores other options. The irony of this is if a brother
does this he’s accused of being a playa.
When I found out the truth about Aisha the Busy
Sister Professor, I initially was a little perturbed, but
not for long because at this point I’m really enjoying
celibacy and not having to go through the rigors of
dating. I must admit that I do remain a bit disturbed
when ladies talk about brothers being intimidated by
them based on their careers and/or goals. They are also
the ones who complain about brothers with white girls,
or who are gay, on the DL, players, or in any other way
seemingly unavailable to them. This was Aisha’s stance
when we first started talking and her stated reasons as
to why she was single. Even though I know there is
a numerical shortage of brothers in Connecticut, this
sistah has family and friends up and down the Eastern
seaboard and she’s usually around brothers all the time
as she travels and hangs out in various cities every other
weekend.
As time went on I became a bit more skeptical,
wondering what’s really going on with her and the other
ladies who complain about the shortage of good black
men, yet are placing the majority of their time into their
job and when they are free, going on dates with friends,
partying and hanging out. I wish more of them would
keep it real by just saying, “I see plenty of brothers
around and have plenty of male friends but I just don’t
want the one’s I see.” This sistah didn’t need tell me
all that though, because she found another way when
she said she had recently begun talking to an ex who
75
seems to have gotten his act together, this in fact was

the friend she had gone out on a date with.
In retrospect, I guess between me, and her friend,
hanging out and partying, she actually has been quite
busy. So much for the shortage of men—at least in her
case.
76
THE CELIBACY
CARD
May 23, 2005
S
he was just terrible, from her pseudo bi-curiosity,
which she mistakenly thought would impress
me, to the fact her G-spot was super sensitive—
five licks and she was good for the night. Add her lack of
sensuality, and front that she put up as to whether she
even really liked me, and dealing with Debbie (however
brief) helped me realize my need for some reflection and
celibacy.
However, I have to admit that wasn’t my first dry
season. Hell, I love sex just like the next man but seeing the
turbulent and indecisive waves of the polluted dating ocean,
I found myself purposely staying away from compromising
positions (pun intended) and promoting the virtues of
friendship as a cornerstone before sex or relationships with
women. Boy, have I come a long way! Up until very recently,
my being a friend with a woman meant that I would always
77
be in that “look but don’t touch” box that few men want to
be in with women that they are interested in.
Even though sex or thoughts of it weren’t always an
overwhelming attraction or addiction when it came to
women, especially in college where I had quite a voracious
appetite for it, back then I thought it was all good because I
wasn’t in a serious relationship with any of them. However,
I found out soon enough that one of those ladies by the
name of Justine, actually had feelings for me that went
beyond sex. At that time, I was so blind and immature
that I actually passed her off to one of my friends when I
was sexually done with her.
Believe it or not, I was not trying to hurt her or any
of those women, but Justine brought to my attention how
foul I was when she told me how she felt—first used and
then discarded only to be passed off to my friend in the
end. Still, that was not a light bulb moment for me but
I did begin to notice more of the effects of my sexual
relationships with women. Those connections were often
based only on the physicality and attraction. I usually
targeted those with huge breasts, and to me the darker
the skin they had the better. It didn’t matter if we were a
match or truly compatible, all I needed was her to be cool
and at least, kind of like me.
I guess deep inside while I was ultimately hoping to
meet my queen in the meantime, I didn’t mind getting a
little wet until she showed up. As time passed, I began
to settle more for those uninvolved or un-evolved sexual
relationships or what most folk now call jump offs. But
few were ever satisfying and I can honestly say that while
I have been in love, I haven’t had or felt reciprocity that
has lasted over any significant amount of time. It seems
like I have always been trying to trade up when it came to
women, in other words I never got the woman I thought
was just right for me.
78
The Celibacy Card
She didn’t have to be perfect just someone on the

same page and fluid enough to flow and grow with me.
I think many men go through this in many relationships.
The pattern usually looks something like this: After
being with a woman for a while, we begin to think we are
missing something, mostly because we don’t get involved
with women for the right or healthy reasons, which in
turn are due to on our own relationship immaturity and
evolution. We then begin to think the grass is greener
elsewhere. There can be several reasons for this, from not
knowing what love and respect is, to the perception (and
sometimes reality) that the woman we are with lets herself
go physically or mentally, and stops doing or presenting
the faces she originally showed us with when we first got
together. Add the pure primal/animal urges within all
of us that we haven’t learned to transcend, and you find
a large part of why men cheat or have numerous sexual
partners.
It’s not always that we feel sex makes us a man or we
are all just dogs, it’s just something within our biological
makeup to produce and reproduce human life which we
often mistake and misuse for pure sexual pleasure. The best
way it has been explained to me thus far has been in the
Metu Neter and A Afrocentric Guide to A Spiritual Union
both by Ra Un Amen Nefer. Like the Great Hermakhet
(Sphinx) in Kemet (Egypt) who had a head of a man but
body of a lion, his head on that body symbolized man’s
triumph over his lower animal nature. I too wish I could say
I have completely transcended my lower animal nature and
that is why I’m celibate, but perhaps my light bulb moment
finally came as part the Debacle with Debbie that left a bad
taste in my mouth, (again) - pun intended.
But, even more than that was the fact that I and the
sistah didn’t share the same values in very crucial areas
of the relationship which were far more important than
79
sex. I think this relationship revealed the importance of

connectedness and friendship and at this point, my celibacy
is driven more by that than anything else.
I can’t say how long this will last but I do hope to
make or build some true friendships with ladies in the
meantime.
80
LOVE AT LAST?
C
ell phone attached to her ear, she seemed to be
totally enthralled in a deep conversation. The
sister was cute but nothing immediately stood
out about her. In fact I wasn’t all that enthralled about being
at this event, since I’m not a smooth jazz fan, but I also
knew that the performer Mike Phillips had some serious
chops and was a hell of a performer. I hadn’t been out in a
while and had been in a dating rut for more than a minute.
This record release party happened at a new and chic wine
shop in Harlem that I had only once been inside of. One of
my boys, Dwayne, told me I should check it out and since
it was Friday and I had run out of excuses to hang out with
him, I said what the hell.
When I arrived at the wine shop, I figured I might as
well at least get my drink on, even though I’m not a drinker.
Dwayne was running late so it made even more sense. It was
a hot summer night and although the place had a decent air
conditioning system, it was still a bit warm inside. After my
81
first two glasses of wine I noticed that there were far more
females there than males.
Thirty minutes later Dwayne still hadn’t arrived and
being there by myself was not cool, especially because it
seemed that everyone knew each other but me. The fronting
was not strong at this point but it did seem to be building
as more people piled into the place, which made it a bit
stuffy. This was not good because it was mid-July and still
hot outside even though the sun had gone down. At that
point, I decided to step outside and get some air. Only a few
seconds into the fresh and somewhat cooler air I heard an
unfamiliar voice behind me say, “Nice hat.”
That was our introduction. It was the same sistah who
came into the place with her cell phone attached to her ear.
Her name was Randi and she worked for a large publishing
house in the city. She now had her earpiece in place and
ended her phone conversation just long enough to begin
chatting with me. At twenty-six, she was a little too young
for my taste but on closer examination and conversation, I
realized that she had somewhat of a cultural/intellectual
air to her. She said she only heard about this event because
she was signed up to the Hidden Beach mailing list (and
that was because she was a fan of Jill Scott). After we
exchanged cards and phone numbers Phillips began his
performance back inside and as we attempted to get back
into the place to hear him, it was too packed and the heat
so unbearable that we both decided to just leave. It was cool
though because Randi had another engagement later in the
evening in Queens, or so she said.
I wanted to go get a drink or some coffee with her, get
to her know her a bit more, but she seemed to be in a rush
to get to her engagement so I walked her to the train station
enjoying the conversation along the way.
I learned that she was very educated and had attended
school in Atlanta. She was born in New Jersey but grew up
82
Love at Last?
in Georgia. She said she was basically a Southern girl at

heart who had been living in Harlem for about three years.
She, like I, had come up from the South to explore
New York City and all its possibilities. Because she was an
editor and I a writer, I felt a sort of kinship. It was kind of
refreshing that here we were in the Big City trying to chase
our dreams. A week later we decided to meet at Central
Park for a night of jazz.
83
SUMMER, SINGLE
AND STILL
CELIBATE IN THE
CITY, 2005
I
will be honest. Sometimes I cannot believe I’m
still celibate. I mean I’ve actually had a few good
offers swing my way recently. But, maybe I’m just
getting old or maybe I’m getting wiser. In any case, I am
actually okay where I am without sex, most of the time at
least. I know the alternative is being involved in a sexual
relationship which is absent of love and probably mixed
with some drama. I’m also sure that such a relationship
would have some controlling elements within it and where
I’m not as content as I have been since being single.
Without all the pressures and expectations that come
with dating and a relationship, this year has been a relatively
peaceful one, and even when I got curious about reentering
the dating world and peeked to see what’s out there, I’ve
realized that not much has changed and sadly many of the
same dating games are still being played. Still I know it’s
going to be hard to sustain my celibacy while living in New
York City where from the toes up, body parts tend to go
84
Summer, Single and Still Celibate in the City, 2005
bare, especially now that it is summer where it seems even

easier than usual to be in a sexual or part-time relationship
than any other time of the year.
A couple of years ago I remember being chased by this
really educated but mixed signal giving sistah, who lived a
few blocks away. She’d call nearly every Friday or Sunday
night trying to invite me over to her crib. What kept from
hooking up with her was her otherwise boorish behavior,
secrets and prissiness. Although she would have been great
for easily accessible and ready-made sexual encounters,
it was nothing compared to the Internet, where I’ve had
several offers from ladies in Connecticut, Maryland and
upstate New York all of whom offered me an extended visit
during their planned trips to Manhattan.
A few years ago I wouldn’t have been as hesitant to just
jump into bed with a woman but after taking and passing
my last HIV test last year I don’t think even if I got a good
offer I would go for it at this point.
Still, I must admit that the temptations have grown and
after attending both the John Legend and Cassandra Wilson
concerts in Central Park this summer I was reminded of
how many beautiful ladies actually are in Gotham.
In the meantime, I am still enjoying spending time with
friends, and I now have many female friends with whom I
actually enjoy good non-sexual relations. A few years ago,
I would have never guessed I could experience women so
completely without having sex with them. Maybe within
that I’ve found a certain freedom that makes my celibacy a
bit more bearable. Maybe.
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LOVE AT LAST —
PART 2:
JAZZ IN THE PARK
July 2006
M
y sister tried to prep me as much as possible
for my first date with Randi by not only
telling me what to, and what not to wear, but
also by giving me an extra forty dollars for watching my
niece. Being a self-employed consultant who relies on work
that usually isn’t available during the summer, I was pretty
much broke. I guess trying to date someone new wasn’t
such a great idea but what was worse was my revealing too
much about my current financial situation, and I suspect
that revelation played a role in this first and last date.
A week before this, we planned to meet at Central Park
West on 72nd street, but because my sister was running
late, I actually had to bring my niece (Nzingha) to the initial
part of the date. I wasn’t sure how she would react but the
way I feel about my niece it didn’t really matter. Nzingha
is so beautiful and well behaved I figured it wouldn’t be
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Love at Last — Part 2: Jazz in the Park
a problem anyway, but I still called Randi ahead of time

to tell her as a courtesy. Maybe it was a bit awkward for
Randi to meet both my sister and niece on our first date but
she seemed mature enough and she said she loved kids. 15
minutes after I met Randi with Nzingha, my sister arrived.
Randi really seemed to like my niece so that was a plus.
After a brief walk through the park, we arrived at the
outdoor concert at Ramsey Field. On the bill, that evening,
was Eric Lewis, Brad Mehldau and Jason Moran, three of
the best young jazz piano players out there. Although Randi
had somewhat of a cultural vibe to her I knew she hadn’t
heard of any of them but I figured that their sheer talent
and the vibe of jazz under the stars of a mid 70’s evening
would make this night unique and probably different than
many of the dates she had been on.
I wasn’t trying to go overboard by pushing up on her,
although I did feel some positive vibes coming from putting
her arm around me and when she folded her hands into
mine. Finally, I thought to myself, a beautiful and intelligent
woman who I can take to a jazz concert that would not only
enjoy my company but the music and culture too. After the
concert, we decided to go to my favorite African Restaurant
in Harlem. We continued holding hands through the park
on our way to dinner. We talked about many things during
dinner but one thing that still stands out in my mind is her
saying she was worried about being like Condoleezza Rice,
single with a good career but no husband.
After we finished eating dinner we talked even more
and it seemed like the perfect first date. The only red flag
of the evening was that Rice comment. By the end of our
date, we tentatively planned our second date. I called her
to confirm this a few days later but after a week, I still had
not heard from her. After a few more days, I got this e-mail
from Randi:
87
Hey, Sumumba:
Please pardon my etiquette. I didn’t mean to offend you
or have you wondering where the hell I’ve been. To say that
my work schedule is hectic would be an understatement.
One of my bosses is on vacation, our associate editor’s last
day is Thursday, and then I’m preparing for a vacation in
about four weeks. I have lots to do, lots to read, lots to edit,
with very little time. And it’s hot as hell, which is making
me cranky.
To be perfectly honest, I’m not interested in pursuing
anything romantically with you. I think we’re in very
different places: I’m just looking to date casually. Very
casually, I enjoy hanging out with lots different people w/
no real connection or obligation to anyone. That works
best for me right now. I don’t want a boyfriend. But I think
you’re looking for something more serious and committed.
And that’s fair. But I think you and I would have a hard
time being friends because I’d always sense that you were
waiting for me to change my mind or waiting for my feelings
to change. That’s just too much pressure, not to mention a
little too complicated for me. My life’s crazy enough, let me
tell you!
But I did have a good time at the park. And your niece
is adorable. And you’re really sweet. And so I definitely
felt that some kind of response from me was necessary.
I’m sorry that it’s happening over e-mail. But I’m sort of a
chicken about this kind of thing. (Sue me.) My work schedule
doesn’t help. I’m actually got a book party to run to in forty-
five minutes, then I’ve gotta come back in the office for a
few hours. I think I need toothpicks to keep my eyes open.
In any case, I apologize to not have said something
earlier. I guess most of the guys I hang out with aren’t that
persistent -- they’re looking to keep things casual the same
way I am, but all the best to you.
88
Love at Last — Part 2: Jazz in the Park
I don’t know if I put out the vibe that I was pressed

for a relationship but apparently, she took it this way.
Besides the Condi comparison my theory about some
twenty-something ladies was pretty much confirmed
through Randi’s letter...
At that point, it had been several months since I dated
and after this experience, I decided to seriously re-evaluate
whom I even asked out. My threshold is getting ever smaller
for Dating Games and trying to figure out some of these
women.
89
SLIPPIN’, ONCE
AGAIN
September 20, 2006
W
ith the summer coming to a close and my
having a brand new mountain bike, a little
extra cash and a few gigs lined up for the
fall, my life and outlook on things was slowly but surely
changing. I hadn’t been out on a real date in a quite a
while and I’m not even sure if I could characterize what
transpired as a date especially after Fredericka initially said
she wouldn’t mind hanging out with me after I asked her
out. But, hey, the main thing was I was out of the crib and
actually among the living for a change!
I met her in Ft. Greene Park in Brooklyn; it was Sunday
night and due to being rained out the night before the film
premiere of: Beyond Beats and Rhymes: A Hip-Hop Head
Weighs in on Manhood in Hip-Hop Culture, an excellent
documentary film by Byron Hurt was showing. She was a
writer for a hip-hop magazine and gorgeous, beyond belief.
90
Slippin’, Once Again
While waiting for the film to begin we struck an interesting

conversation concerning hip-hop. She said she would soon
to begin teaching in the New York Public School System and
when I told her that I was a former teacher she seemed very
interested in any insights I could give her on the experience .
I didn’t find out until later that she was actually very young.
We planned to get together the following week.
I wanted to surprise her so I didn’t tell her where we
would be going but like me, she seemed eager to be out
period. So I planned for us to go see some jazz and then a
play. For some reason we seemed to lose communication
when trying to meet up at the concert. It was held at
Damrosch Park in Lincoln Center and even though the
sistah had been in New York City for three years, she had
never been there. (Perhaps that should have been my first
clue as to how this date may go or end up) and even though
we both had cell phones and tried to communicate as to
where I was sitting Fredericka for some reason could not
seem to find me. When she finally did, she seemed a bit
perplexed saying, “I really don’t like walking through
crowds.” I was like ummmm okay?’
The concert featured the great Randy Weston a
seminal pianist who the famous poet Langston Hughes
once remarked: When Randy Weston plays a combination
of strength and gentleness, virility and velvet emerges from
the keys in an ebb and flow of sound seemingly as natural
as the waves of the sea.’
Because we would also be attending a play a little later
in the evening that was across town and she was running
late, we could only stay for a few songs by Mr. Weston. I
could kind of tell, that although Fredericka had some
knowledge concerning music and the music industry, that
she really had not been fully exposed to jazz .
Her slightly quizzical expression at the music made me
think that she must be younger than even I had envisioned.
91
At that point for some reason I was ready for the night to
end right then, but I do have to admit it was nice to just look
at this sistah and my ego was given a boost just to see the
expression on peoples faces just to be seen with her.
The play, Every Nigger Is a Star, a clever take on the
music and entertainment industry and its impact on the
African-American community, was a part of the New York
Fringe Festival. By the time we got there, we only had a
few minutes to find a seat but then Fredericka was further
perplexed when she received a phone call and invitation
to attend a record release party for an album that she was
supposed to review for her music column, immediately after
the play. She seemed to enjoy the play. However, it wasn’t
until after it was over is when the real fun began.
92
SHE HATES ME
Summer 2006
W
hat the heck was I thinking? Until she
opened her mouth I had almost forgot how
annoying, shallow and caught up she was.
Maybe because it had been over a year since our last date
or maybe because we live on the same floor and I’m almost
forced to see her everyday, but what a mistake I had made.
It certainly didn’t help that she too recently had left her
9-5 and was seeking to make it in New York based solely on
her talent and creativity. Perhaps the reason I asked her out
to see Crash was that there’s still a part of me that believes
knowledge can transform anyone. But after talking to, or
should I say listening to her ego-based self-involvement, I
hoped that she’d forget I even asked. This sister was still
deep on some typical New York “Bright Lights Big City”
experience tip, even though she has been here several
years.
93
These types of women are often more concerned

with clubbing, bar/lounge hopping, being seen, and taken
to dinner (all preferably with someone else paying), than
getting the full organic and browner experience of New
York, the one with the street fairs, barbecues in the park,
galleries, funky restaurants, jazz and concerts that take
place in Harlem, Brooklyn, Queens, the Bronx and some
parts of Staten, that are part of the essence and soul of the
city. What are also of high importance to these ladies are a
man’s zip code and how much money he makes, and if ever
there was a poster child for this kind of woman, indeed
Sheila was it.
Maybe I should have listened closer to James when he
warned me about the dangers of dating someone who not
only lived in the same building but also on the same floor as
me. This was confirmed further when he met her and said
he sensed that she had some education, but she also seemed
too surface and bigoted for a brother like me. Still, for some
reason I wasn’t deterred and decided to continue seeing
her. Although I had never really dated a woman from the
Caribbean and had been warned about how some looked
down on African-Americans, I found ways to rationalize
and downplay many of her anti-black statements and world
view.
Sheila was only slightly lighter skinned than me
but being raised by a bigoted father who was Native and
Mulatto while her mother was dark skinned and Jamaican
had always caused conflict in her life. It didn’t help that her
mom had cheated on her father several times while married,
but since they were Catholic it was almost impossible for
him to divorce her, which in turn only made him more
bitter and racist.
Being that she was closer to father than mother his
lessons apparently stood out more. I guess in some twisted
way Sheila’s anti black rhetoric and eurocultural orientation
94
She Hates Me
and preferences did make sense, seeing that was how she
was raised. Sheila also said she was raped by a brother
during a date, which had happened soon after arriving in
this country several years ago. Still, now that I think of it I
don’t know how she even let me hang in as long as I did.
Each time we would sit down for a drink or dinner, if
she wasn’t talking about how messed up brothers were, it
was mostly about her own life, how she dated mostly other
races, or her pseudo ex boyfriend, who she was actually still
seeing.
Ironically this ex was African-American, and (according
to her) for all of the 8 years that they dated he of course was
the bad guy in the relationship When he started to become
the major topic of all of our conversations I knew it was
time to throw away any more illusions about dating her. But
I was never in the running in the first place.
Although she never quite said it, I’m almost sure
I wasn’t paid enough for her and my understanding of
the world which she called militancy definitely was not
endearing to her as we usually argued about most things
from spiritual to political when it came to Black folk and
the world at large. Her arguments always revolved around
how blacks needed to stop complaining, just suck it up and
work harder.
While she never said that racism didn’t exist, she
did state that blacks were almost always their own worst
enemies (which I too believe in some cases). But knowing
there are deeper cultural/historic reasons as to why we
function as we do, helps me look beyond the surface and
not feed any further self-destructive antipathy or hatred
toward us, but all that is beside the point.
For all her talk about black men only wanting women
for sex, or how we lie, cheat or blame white folks for own
problems, one would think that her being around a brother
95
who represented none of those things would make some

difference in her eyes. But when a sistah’s main concern in
life is getting paid at all costs and hating the skin she’s in,
how in the world could she see or truly care about a brother
who’s trying to be positive and just the opposite of what
she thinks black men are? Even with all that said, I must
admit that there is still a little bit of me that still wanted
to enlighten the sistah. Maybe the film Crash would have
woken her up…but she said she wasn’t interested in seeing
it.
I did my best to avoid even seeing her in my building
after that.
96
MY LAST DATE
Summer 2006
E
very Nigger Is A Star turned out to be quite a
good and thought-provoking play. Fredericka
said she enjoyed it as well. Still I was ready for
this evening and pseudo-date to end. It’s not that I didn’t
enjoy her company but I felt we were on two different wave
lengths. I don’t know what was going through her mind
but for the most part the purpose of the date was for me
to just get out of the crib and funk I had been in since my
mother had passed. While it was nice to be finally out with
such a nice looking woman, my ego did not push me into
the lustful realm of wanting more than what this date had
to offer. Hell, I was so excited to be out that it didn’t even
matter if the sistah even showed up or not because I was
going to see both the concert and play regardless. It was nice
to have such a mindset and this was quite a different form
of thinking for me. It seems like I had always gone out on
97
dates with women having expectations or hopes that most

of the time would not be fulfilled. I had grown past just
wanting sex as time went on and usually I’d just wanted to
make some kind of connection, even if it wasn’t romantic.
For once, I could honestly say that this was not the case but
still things got a little weird as the night wore on.
After the play Fredericka said she had been invited
to a party somewhere supposedly not too far from where
the play was held. I offered to walk or put her in a cab to
take her to the party but for some reason it seemed that
Fredericka was more interested in me finding my own way
to a cab or subway station. After walking several blocks and
seemingly in circles we finally found a subway station and
sadly Mickey Dee’s. I say sadly because I was hungry and
weak but that’s another story. After insisting that she was
fine and wanted to make sure I got home okay, we parted
ways.
On its face maybe that would seem like a nice gesture
but being the man in this situation and the way I was
taught, men are supposed to make sure a woman make it
safely to her destination, especially at night. Her insistence
on me finding a cab or a subway station led me to believe
several things: maybe she didn’t want me to be seen with
her coming to the party, she thought that I might expect to
go into the party with her when we got there, or there was
no party and she actually had a second date set up for the
evening. Whatever the case it sure seemed like game to me.
Nevertheless, when I got home I sent her a text message
thanking her for the date. She sent me a text back several
hours later saying she had a great time and she got home
safely.
What happened with Fredericka only solidifies my
firm “no dating a female less than thirty years of age”
policy. I believe in this policy because contrary to popular
opinion my own experiences have shown me that women
98
My Last Date
under thirty are on some other stuff; many of these young

women are physically in their prime but emotionally
always seem to have a long way to go. Maybe it’s because
they are always being approached and have many dating
options, and seemingly all the time in the world to make
a choice. Perhaps, it’s just plain immaturity. But, whatever
the case, my experiences have shown me that a woman in
her twenties is less prone to seriously looking at dating and
the rest of her life, and often when they choose someone to
date he’s often the wrong guy.
The many single mothers and divorced women with
children seem to point to some of my theories, as well as
the plethora of single women in their thirties and forties.
They are at the very least certain indicators of the poor
choices women make in their younger years. I’m sure this
point will be disputed by some but for all the single women
I have given counsel to as a caseworker and therapist over
the years, more often than not have made poor choices in
mates in their younger years. This is not to blame women for
all the problems in relationships but when I look at young
women like Fredericka it certainly would be interesting to
see where she is ten or fifteen years from now.
But at the end of the day I cant be mad at her or this
experience because not only did I approach it on my own
terms but I think that I’ve finally broken through and
figured out the best way to approach this whole dating
thing and it’s based on a old Buddhist maxim: when you
have no expectations you have no disappointments.
99
DATING GAMES
PART 4
FAMILY MATTERS:
THE PHONE CALL
December 6, 2002
H
ey sis, you know dad called me a couple of
days ago right? He wants a picture of his
granddaughter.”
“Yeah, yeah I know he’s been calling me too, he’s a bum,
he ain’t getting no picture from me,” my sister replied
“Aww, come on now, sis, don’t be like that,” I said
“Man I ain’t trying to hear that he ain’t never been
there for us, he will be alright.”
“Well, sis, you really shouldn’t think like that. Dad
wasn’t a terrible father, he may not have always been there
for us but he did the best with what he had for us.”
“Yeah right! And what exactly did he give or have for
us when we were growing up?”
“Well, sis, he never had much money, but I know for a
fact he loved us and you really shouldn’t judge a man until
103
you’ve walked in his shoes.” A silence then rushed over the

phone for a few seconds.
Growing up my sister and I had a pretty close
relationship but when we moved from private to public
school I began to notice that she seemed to change as her
girlfriends began to take on more of significance in her life.
At the same time she and our mom had also become closer.
My sister has always been a pretty girl but as she older and
moved into high school her shape began to fill out a bit, she
soon began attracting all kinds of young men but it seemed
that she was attracted to the street guys. From my vantage
point, her choices in men reflected her need to be popular,
and feel protected and important. She would later say that
if she had her father around that she wouldn’t have made
the wrong choices in men.
I didn’t know that my sister had grown to feel so
strongly against our dad. I knew there was some animosity
but the level of disrespect in her tone took me aback.
Although we didn’t grow up with him and the most we
could ever really hope for was a phone call—he lived two
time zones away—he still managed to visit a few times. I
knew that he still loved us because he would remember our
birthdays and at the end of each phone conversation, he
would say, “I love you.”
My sister would soon regret not calling my father back
on that day because the next day my mother called to tell us
that our father had died of a massive heart attack.
104
FAMILY MATTERS:
THE SINS OF MY
MOTHER
Fall 1985
I
don’t know how she did it, but Mom somehow
survived her mother’s premature death at the age
of forty-nine, and remain strong enough to raise me
and my sister in a brand new city, on limited social supports
and funds. She did it all and, for the most part, without
a man. In fact, she had taken her time before becoming
involved in any serious relationship for several years after
being divorced from my father. Her first boyfriend was Bill,
an avid jazz fan who looked eerily like my father. So much
so that upon meeting him for the first time, for a minute I
thought he was my Dad. Years later, my mom began to date
Terry, a former member of the Black Panther Party in San
Francisco. Initially, I, like Mom, thought this brother was
annoying because he talked too much about the cause. But,
eventually his world view and politics would have a deep
impact on me.
105
Then, there was Mister. He was a nice looking brother

and also a divorcee with two children slightly older than
my sister and me. He worked for MUNI, the bus company,
and then the fire department in San Francisco, for several
years. He drove a brand new 1985 yellow and cream-colored
Cadillac Seville that had a sunroof top (but no diamond in
the back). He had a huge wide screen television, a little more
money than both Bill and Terry, plenty of accoutrements
and apparently enough game to seal the deal with Mom.
However, even at seventeen, I was able to peep his game
and see right through him! While both my mother and
sister were busy falling in love with him and his Cadillac,
something rubbed me wrong about his license plate that
read: MEMEME# 1.
Up until then, all of her boyfriends and most of her
male friends had left a positive and indelible imprint on
my life, especially Terry. But, Mister, with his hazel eyes,
smooth talk and nice job was a different breed altogether.
Yet for a time I still tried to give Mister the benefit
of the doubt, but after he challenged me to a basketball
game and began to realize he was going to lose, he started
to play so rough that he eventually tried to take my knees
and ankles out. I never fully trusted or liked him after that
and couldn’t understand why neither my mom nor anyone
could see through him but me.
But, nine months after meeting Mister, Mom married
him at City Hall….I made sure I missed the ceremony.
106
FAMILY MATTERS:
Pain Like You
Couldn’t Imagine
Spring 2006
C
an you believe that he hasn’t called? I’ve been
in here for three days now and he hasn’t called.
At least when it was over with your dad he just
left. Why won’t he just leave too? That’s my house and I
want him out!”
Exasperated and coughing after each sentence were
Mom’s words. Except for the part about Dad, I had heard
her make these statements many times before. I would
normally respond, “Mom he will NEVER leave for good
because even when he does, you always let him back in.”
In fact, one morning earlier in the year he packed his
car and didn’t call her until two days later from Las Vegas
where he had bought a condo. Mom had hoped that his
purchase of the condo the year before meant that he would
eventually live in it for good and, in her words, “Just leave
me the hell alone”
107
“Sumumba, yesterday I was in pain like you couldn’t

imagine,” Mom would tell me later in the conversation. I
couldn’t believe my ears and nearly lost my appetite when
I called her Easter Sunday, the week before, when she said
she had prepared and was eating Easter dinner with Mister.
But there she was, until the bitter end trying to love a man
who didn’t even love himself.
The week before Easter, she left the house in the early
evening hours without telling him where she was going
and stayed at a friend’s for the entire night. It was the first
time in her marriage that she had done that. The next day
she told me, “Do you know he didn’t even call to check on
me?”
Exasperated, I could only muster, “Mom Are you
REALLY surprised?
“But why doesn’t he just leave?” she asked, once
again.
She spent the last twenty-one years of her life with
Mister and it was drama from the beginning. Now, there
she was, in the hospital for what she thought was a problem
with her gallstones. She passed away the day after we
spoke.
I don’t know if she felt that her failed marriage and
previous relationships, that kept her single into her early
forties were a sign, or maybe she just didn’t want to spend
the rest of her life alone, but she saw something in this man
who (a few days after she died) stood in front of our family,
saying she was the only woman he had ever loved, as we
were planning her funeral.
I remember Mom telling me on a few occasions that if
she died before Mister, she didn’t want him at her funeral,
yet there he was telling lies and making most of the decisions
about her funeral. That was one of the most unjust things
I’d ever been a part of and, it was just the beginning.
108
FAMILY MATTERS:
The One Who
Got Away
I
was shocked to see him there! Although he was now a pariah
in the eyes of many he was still an icon to me. Many in the
movement had written him off after his renunciation of his
Black Panther past and embracing Christian Fundamentalism, and
some right wing causes. But, there he was in a red mock turtle neck,
with rainbow suspenders, black corduroy pants and matching black
boots. Initially I was a little leery in approaching him because of his
reported beliefs. He also seemed to be deep into the book he was
reading but when he looked up and smiled, I figured, what would I
have to lose?
Eldridge Cleaver, the former minister of information and
cause célèbre of the party. After introducing myself, I broke the
following awkward silence by telling him about his former comrade,
and my mentor who I had only known as Terry, Mr. Cleaver simply
remembered him as TC and that he was one of the first people to
join the San Francisco Chapter of the Black Panther Party for Self-
Defense.
Mr. Cleaver’s eyes seemed to sparkle when I mentioned all
the things that TC had taught me regarding black history, the
struggle and the party. It took me many years to fully understand
and appreciate the impact that TC had on me but indeed his lessons
109
have stayed with me until this very day. This proud black man
was also a friend and former comrade of Afeni Shakur and early
babysitter and mentor to her son Tupac.
My mom met TC at a political meeting for B.W.O.A (Black
Women Organized for Action), a group founded to get more black
elected officials into office in the San Francisco/Oakland Bay Area.
When Mom first introduced me to Terry I wasn’t too impressed
and I remember not that much later my mom and some of her
girlfriend’s began to complain that he too talked too much and was
too political.
Even though Terry treated my mom good and would soon
become an excellent role model he also didn’t have much money,
and even at a young age I figured that was the reason that he and
Mom didn’t make it as a couple. After they broke up, they remained
friends and he continued being a mentor to me.
When I had problems with a neighborhood bully, he taught
me how to box. When I was getting too heavily involved in
sports, he took me to see a movie about the CIA funded covert
war happening in Central America one week, and QUILOMBO—a
movie about Brazilian slaves who rebelled against the Portuguese—
the next. Because of him, by the time I entered high school I had
seen the movies: Reds, Ragtime, and The Cotton Club. TC had me
reading books about Toussaint L’Ouverture, Frantz Fanon and even
listening to some of Malcolm X’s speeches. I also knew where all
the best thrift stores were in San Francisco and being always broke
this came in handy, because by the time I had graduated from high
school, those secondhand clothes got me voted Best Dressed. All
thanks to TC! Several years later, Mom would tell me that he was
the one who got away.
110
FAMILY MATTERS:
The Fight
December 2003
I
t took nearly nineteen years and then it finally
happened. The man who had spent most of his
marriage terrorizing my mother had finally
decided to put his hands on me. There had been times
where he had jumped in my face screaming and trying
to scare and intimidate me, and other times where he
had verbally abused me in front of my mother. I usually
responded by turning the other cheek out of concern
and respect for my mother, her marriage and also to
maintain the precarious peace in the household. But,
not that day! That was the last straw!
A few years before my mother’s untimely passing,
Mister had cursed out my mother claiming that some
plant was out of place and he was so angry that he
said he was leaving her and their marriage of eighteen
years only to return the next morning saying he was
111
sorry for not calling before he came back to get his

things.
Why my mother had stayed with him so long I
could never understand. When she met him she had
owned her house and me and my sister were already
in high school, she had plenty of friends and a great
career. Maybe she just wanted someone to share it with
or maybe she actually loved him. But I couldn’t see
how, because she said years later that he rushed her to
the altar because he knew how crazy and messed up
he was.
Eighteen and a half years later, with his dog
gnawing on my leg, I had him pinned to the floor,
wondering why this sixty-one-year-old weakened,
anemic, and probably chemically addicted, man had
physically challenged a man nearly half his age. If his
dog wasn’t there I probably would be writing about
this from a jail cell. I was that angry. Ironically the
day before I had come to the conclusion that part of my
reluctance to become involved in a serious relationship
was based on seeing the drama and dysfunction my
mother had gone through with Mister.
A few days after the fight there was an icy silence
between he and I and in some perverse way I sensed
that he gained some respect for me because I stood
up to him in a way that no one else had. It was in
that moment that I began to understand his misguided
pain and anger, which was more directed towards
himself than anyone else. He was so mired in his tragic
beginnings and his own shortcomings that he was
suspicious, insecure, defensive, or ready to explode
about even the smallest of things.
Like many angry black men who don’t know or
have a relationship with their father, he also didn’t
know his mother who died at a young age, but instead
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Family Matters: The Fight
of confronting and working to heal from his past, he

sought to escape it through frequent bouts of depression
accompanied with drugs, alcohol and cigarettes. It
took me several days to let my own anger subside and
for forgiveness to begin. At that point, I knew that
things would never be the same, yet in this case, that
was a good thing.
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FAMILY MATTERS:
A SUNDAY KIND OF
LOVE
I
arrived two hours after my mother passed away and
I didn’t know what to say or feel, and apparently
neither did the others that were there to comfort
me and my sister. And, it was getting more surreal by the
minute. Only a select few knew the reality of what Mom
had been through for the last twenty-one years of her life,
because she, for the most part, had kept the mental and
emotional abuse to herself. In fact she had returned to
Kansas City only about three and a half years before; partly
in hopes that Mister would stay in California since he was
always so perpetually miserable and made for a horrible
husband.
I really didn’t want to be around him, much less sleep
under the same roof as he, but after a little cajoling from my
sister and other family members I realized that I needed to
be in that house with my family. It was actually our house
as much as it was Mister’s. According to my sister and
cousins, he had been crying and in deep regret about how
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Family Matters: A Sunday Kind of Love
he treated her and was now feeling guilty for not arriving
sooner. I had to take their word for it because I saw little if
any regret in his eyes, words or actions.
During the planning stages of the funeral, he insisted
that there be a wake and also that the viewing of the body
be limited. He also attempted to have both the funeral and
wake for the cheapest price possible. In addition, on the day
before the wake when he was asked for money to get my
mom the right dress to wear, he angrily screamed, “She’s
fuckin dead, I just wanna fuckin bury her!”
Even though I was enraged by the comment I can’t
honestly say I wasn’t surprised by it. But what made that
time even more hard was some of my mom’s friends insisting
that he actually did love her and was feeling guilty about
his abusive behavior over the years. According to them, he
was actually somehow suffering as a result. Maybe it was
just me but I still couldn’t see it. When you love someone,
you don’t make those kinds of comments. When you love
someone, you don’t pack up your car and travel half way
across the country to live in a condo outside of Las Vegas,
right after someone makes you a huge Easter dinner. When
you love someone you don’t ignore their phone calls for
three days when they’re calling from the hospital, but for
the most part you don’t mentally and emotionally abuse the
one you love nearly every other day for over twenty years.
Still, I was able to remain calm throughout the entire
trip, and it helped that I had pretty much gotten over the
fight that happened over three years before largely due to
mom’s choice to stay with this man come what may. I had
come to realize that at the end of the day, even if we don’t
like other people’s choices we can’t do nothing to change
them.
The fact that he had arrived on the scene while I was
a senior in high school, and I’d be off to college within a
year of the start of their marriage, meant that my exposure
115
to him was limited. I wasn’t indebted to him because he

hadn’t paid any of my bills for college or the years after and
that made it even easier to put him out of mind.
Yet this was still my mother—dead, and he was acting
a fool! It didn’t help matters that my mother had checked
herself into the hospital thinking she needed her gallstones
removed and the doctor who had prescribed eight different
medications for her heart condition, acted in a totally
unprofessional manner, by saying such things as she’s the
sickest person in the hospital and I don’t know what we can
do to help her. When she died hours later, he said her heart
had failed during surgery, but what expedited her death was
that part of her intestines had fallen into her bloodstream
two days before. This is why she was in serious pain just
the day before. What also pissed me off further was the
fact that no cat scan was done upon her arrival. To them she
was probably just another black woman in poor health.
But, despite her condition it is my belief that she really
died from a broken heart awaiting a man’s love that was
rarely returned.
She always said she wanted the song A Sunday Kind of
Love played at her funeral, but her minister would refuse to
have it played saying that it was inappropriate. How ironic,
I thought, that even in death she couldn’t get her last wish
fulfilled.
For years, I had resolved to never be the type of man
that my mom had married, but after her untimely and
unjust passing put me in a whole other zone of thinking,
feeling and being.
After years of talking about dating and relationships,
now was finally the time to tell the world our story.
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DATING GAMES
PART 5
REALIZATION
I
mistakenly thought the moment would or had
come before this, apparently not, for there was
no denying the reality that was slowly embracing
my entire soul. Without pomp or circumstance, no clouds
aligned in any immaculate way nor had the sun shone or
beamed on this particular day. I wouldn’t call this moment
an epiphany, or mere feeling, not even an emotion. It was
more like a sense of being, a sense of knowing that all was
as it should be.
Even though I only had eight dollars in my pocket and
wouldn’t be paid for another ten days, had other past due
bills accumulating, was tired of being single, overworked,
underpaid, undervalued and unappreciated, I knew all was
as it should be; yet things were about to radically change.
At that moment, all that the world had taught me about
my reality, my truth and myself, were revealed as nothing
but lies. Physically I was still on earth but spiritually I was
elsewhere—soaring, roaring and exploring. For once, it didn’t
119
matter if that beautiful woman spoke, made eye contact or

even acknowledged my presence, nor did it matter who was
in the White House, State House, City Hall or even signing
my paycheck.
I couldn’t have cared less if the secretary at the job said
I was negative earlier in the day or my ex never apologized
for abandoning our dream relationship. In that moment,
worry, doubt, fear, anger and frustration had left my body,
my spirit, my thoughts, and in fact, my entire being and a
knowing began to replace it. It didn’t matter that on this
unnecessarily crowded Uptown train, that some man’s bag
was poking me in the ribs or that the teenagers who just
entered the subway car were loud and obnoxious. At that
moment, I had no desire for food, drink, sex or any other
external substance or escape. At that moment, I knew I
could and would change the world. I knew my thoughts
would move mountains and plant seeds. I knew all things
were possible to and through me.
I knew I would become all I was created to be. I knew
that I was a father, son, and Holy Spirit. I knew I had been
sent to fulfill a promise. I knew I was being watched and
guided. I knew this life wasn’t only for or about me. In that
moment I remembered the sweat, blood, sacrifice and even
death of others just to put me in the place I was in. I knew
they were watching and smiling.
I could sense and feel bodies rising from the sea and
unraveling from ropes tied to trees. I could hear unopened
bottles of whiskey and malt liquor dropping, shattering and
splattering in the streets. I could see cigarettes, staying in
their packs inside of discarded, seared and burning cartons
that simmered in the dead of night and well into the next
day.
Fried food joints went out of business and red meat
out of style. Salt, flour, cocaine and all deadly things white
disappeared. Even marijuana no longer rationalized, or
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Realization
justified, as all eyes could clearly see. Truth replaced lies,

and fronting went out of existence.
With the world, I was no longer angry as I saw it for
the illusion it was. Reality had become naked to the eye. As
I breathed in, I knew that trust, love and heaven surrounded
me, and that previous mistakes were not indicative of who I
was but where I was. At that very moment, I felt life loving
me and, up until that moment, I had feared it and not death
for I was living death, scared to speak to my piece, her piece,
his piece, your piece and our piece.
It no longer mattered how I looked or how he, she or
they reacted to me. I knew I couldn’t and wouldn’t die.
I was man no longer but soul and spirit merely having
human experiences. I had moved beyond space, place and
time. Indeed, poetically I had moved even beyond structure
and the restrictions of rhyme. I knew Mom, Dad, Grandma,
and Grandpa were near. I was love, and was loved and it
was all right here and within me.
There were no fake smiles, no false tears or fears, no
defenses, or no need for forgiveness for there was no sin. I
knew in that moment I had indeed arisen. In that moment,
I realized I had become my truth, and must tell our truth. I
realized in that moment I was with sun, moon, stars, rivers,
valleys, streams, barefoot on the grass, and beyond mere
dreams.
Man, woman and universe had become one. At that
moment, my life indeed had begun.
121
STRAIGHT, NO
CHASER
B
efore I write any further on why and how I’ve
come to many of my realizations about the
polluted sea of dating and relationships, ladies
I’m going to give it to you straight, no chaser. There are too
many of you walking around in denial, thinking you know
what love is. It’s not totally your fault though, but it’s time
that you unplug and de-program yourself from the cultural
machine and values that you have bought into. For many of
you it began with the Cinderella, Prince Charming, Knight
in Shining Armor myth you learned of at a very young age.
I probably don’t have to tell you that he doesn’t exist. I hope
that you realize by now that many men are deeply flawed.
But, what’s worse than even this is the sad reality that you
don’t even realize your own power in the entire dating and
selection process. Unfortunately, the information at your
disposal has taught you about everything under the sun
but what a real man and healthy relationship is. You have
been taught the three R’s: math, science, English, and social
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Straight, No Chaser
studies. You’ve learned how to drive a car and how to take

standardized tests. You may have even had a sex education
class, but never have you been taught about what a healthy
relationship is.
Unlike in many native and indigenous cultures, boys
and girls in this culture are not instructed or prepared for
the rigors of courting, relationships or marriage. It is not
my intent to illuminate and break down the acculturation
processes of these civilizations in this book but I will
illuminate some of the erroneous practices and values in
our own culture as it pertains to dating, relationships and
love.
Despite my take on what you have read to this point I’m
not bitter or cynical about relationships in general nor even
my own experience, because all of these dating situations
and relationships has served to help me grow and at the
end of the day that’s what life is all about. Fortunately, I’ve
been blessed to have teachers along my journey who helped
me develop into a man. My respect and love for women
in general and black women in particular has never faded
or disappeared, even when I was at my lowest point of
frustration with them. I’ve never been an outright playa or
dog, although from time to time I’ve unconsciously played
that role.
Although many women may remember me for being
an activist, the reality is that I’m a “tweener” personality
wise. I’ve also been called a range of things which from
romantic to intellectual, to artist, to borderline nerd and
worse yet nice guy. For whatever reason none of these terms
have seemed to help me in the relationship department
over the long term. However, fortunately the more that I
began to read, research and provide counseling services
to singles, women and men as well as couples, the more
I began to depersonalize my own dating situation. Many
of the conclusions that I’ve come to are based on all of my
123
personal and professional work experiences, readings and

research.
If you are dissatisfied with your current dating situation
or relationship or know someone who is, please show them
these observations and put them to the test, you may be
surprised at what results you get.
124
WHAT IS A
HEALTHY
RELATIONSHIP?
T
he further that you read this work, the more
you will see the term Healthy Relationship.
The understanding and attainment of this
term is one of the ultimate goals of this book. By now,
you should have a pretty decent idea of my many
dating misadventures. Many people who have read my
columns, from which many of those episodes are based,
either think that I’m cynical or bitter, while others think
that I’m unrealistic in my thoughts and views about
relationships. While there is a kernel of truth in some of
those assumptions, I would describe myself as an eternal
optimist when it comes to dating, relationships and
love. Even when I was going through the most dramatic
episode of my dating life, I never gave up on finding real
love. I was never a bad person nor did I intentionally set
out to hurt any woman. Throughout my entire dating life
I’ve studied, kept processing, writing, and searching for
the truth no matter what was happening at the time
125
I watched the struggles of my mother raising two

young children on her own and deeply respected her
for overcoming all the obstacles in her way. I’ve never
stopped loving black women even when they didn’t love
me back. I also never stopped believing that women and
men would one day find love with one another. I still
believe all of these things but as the Ashanti proverb
states: The Ruin of a nation begins in the homes of its
people. The more relationships that have come and gone
in my life the more I began to connect the problems in
our country in general and with our people in particular.
My questions and thoughts always seemed to come back
to this: How in the world can we love someone as we
love ourselves, when in fact we don’t love ourselves?
Moreover, before we can even talk about what healthy
relationships are we must know what love is.
One of the best books I’ve ever read on love and
relationships is An Afrocentric Guide to a Spiritual Union
by Ra Un Amen Nefer. This book breaks down not only
love and relationships but also the historical, spiritual and
cultural dimensions of how human beings interact and
connect.
Now I could go on and quote further but I’ll leave that
to you. The book is actually a part of a one-year plan that
I will discuss later in the book, but it is my hope that you
get the picture. Love is unconditional, that is the Christ,
Buddha, Muhammad and many other spiritual faith’s key
principles and it forms the basis for healthy loving behaviors
and actions in relationships.
Besides selfless behavior and respect, I will use the
term healthy relationships simply to mean when you commit
to infinite evolution, compassion, respect and grow with
yourself and someone else. The understanding in the dating
context is basically that for a relationship to be healthy it
takes two people who are inwardly secure and commit to
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What is a Healthy Relationship?
grow together. This is a process where the goal is to become

better people while getting to know one another.
Further, a healthy relationship in the context of this
book is the ultimate goal of dating that can lead eventually to
marriage or a fulfilling relationship with another person.
As I continue to use the phrase throughout this book,
it may seem redundant at times but the term is part of the
process of de-programming from the many mistakes and
myths in dating and our understanding of relationships, so
please be advised. It is also important that before you read
any further that you have an open mind and suspend all
disbelief in what you will be reading.
While I’m only speaking from one man’s perspective
I also believe that I’m generally representing the views of
many men. I base my views on years of my own life and
dating experiences, hearing horror stories about dating from
men, women, research and years of providing counseling
and therapy to family, friends and clients when I worked in
social services.
127
ALL TOO COMMON
MISTAKES AND
MYTHS
M
any of us may wonder why we are single but
if anything, it is our conditioning over the
years that have led to our misunderstanding
of dating, relationships and love. When I say conditioning,
I’m talking about what has led to our belief in such non-
cynical terms of love at first site, feelings of connection, and
thoughts of a dual chemistry when meeting a potential mate
for the first time. Adding to this erroneous way of thinking,
are women who have requirements of men being a certain
height and/or making a certain amount of money before
they are even considered for dating. Further muddling these
often-disastrous dating mistakes and myths are women
who judge men based on how they dance or their first kiss.
It’s not uncommon to hear a woman say that she knows
within the first five minutes of meeting a man, if there’s the
possibility of a relationship. A classic cinematic example of
this would be from the movie Jerry McGuire, when Dorothy,
played by Renee Zellwigger, says to Jerry, played by Tom
Cruise, you had me at hello.
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All Too Common Mistakes and Myths
We men don’t have such power when first meeting a

woman, as she is the ultimate decision maker in when or
if dating even going to take place. For us things are often
more rudimentary, it’s all about how a woman looks and
approachable she appears to be. If she dances seductively it’s
cool, she’ll get our attention and we may even get aroused,
if she’s four foot tall we may or may not think twice about
approaching her, but as for chemistry or connection or even
the future, it’s usually not all that deep for us, we’d rather
take it one day at a time. If a woman has a nice vibe than
we’ll want to stick around and depending on our level of
development, the issue of sex will not guide our actions.
Sadly, however, there are men who only have the
intention of sexing as many women as possible. These men
work at love to only to get sex, while women often make
the mistake of following a man’s words and ultimately
give up sex, thinking they are getting love. But, once a he
gets sex; he’s usually out the door. Now he may not leave
that woman immediately but he will stop even working
at love. Slowly he stops giving and doing nice things for
a woman, and those kind and loving words also begin to
diminish. Other more shrewd men play the alluring game
of charming detachment. This type of man tends to keep
his feelings at bay and he remains mysterious enough to
make a woman stay curious, interested and intrigued in
him. Some of these techniques can be found in the book
The GAME by Neil Strauss, and even more succinctly the
movie The Tao of Steve, which in one scene uses the Taoist
maxim Be desire less, Be Excellent, Be God.
Many of us either practice or fall victim to what I
mentioned in one form of another and the truth is that these
are all nothing but dating games that hinder our chances of
finding a true love in a healthy relationship.
Before we can even broach the subject of how to meet
and then date a potential mate, we must examine, dissect,
129
and then destroy the many dating myths that we hold near
and dear to our hearts. On the next few pages, I will detail
the top ten dating mistakes and myths as well as other
erroneous notions about dating, relationships and love.
DATING MYTH #1 — EVERYTHING IS EXTERNAL
The first and foremost mistake/myth in life, dating and
relationships is when we think everything is external. The
cornerstone of this myth is that there’s something wrong
with the world and all other people in it. This egocentric
view says that any and everything is somehow flawed
except for us. In relationships, it’s always the other person
who did this or that to ruin the relationship. Let’s keep it
real folks. Who hasn’t said, or thought, this at some point?
I mean who really hasn’t overheard someone say: There’s
a shortage of good men, most women are materialistic, all
men are dogs or all the good men are in jail, gay or taken?
The Everything Is External dating myth is nothing
more than a perceived illusion that emanates from our
ego’s sense that people are separate from each other and
not connected. It is also based on our own bitterness of
being in unhealthy relationships over a period of time.
Ultimately it is our own refusal to look at ourselves and
the larger dynamics that play a role in why we don’t have
healthy dating options and aren’t in loving relationships,
that maintain this myth.
People who hold true to this myth believe that
relationship failure is always the other person’s fault.
This individual rarely if ever plays a role in his/her own
relationship dysfunction and failure. The other person is
always inadequate and reasons our ego and our related
feelings tell us that when we’re overwhelmed by these
emotions not to do self-reflection and looking at our own
actions in the relationship
Eventually we may pray on it, feel sad or angry about
130
the situation, or even pick up a book or two on relationships

but the ingrained lessons of life and experience often
overwhelm us and the fear of change, uncertainty of where
openness or growth may take us and the pull of the world
is far too great. These erroneous thoughts and emotions
proclaim that real growth and evolution is virtually
impossible to achieve.
The only way to eliminate this myth is to unlearn most
of what has been passed down to us since birth.
DATING MYTH #2—CHEMISTRY/COMPATIBILITY

The chemistry/compatibility myth is based on physical
and egocentric perceptions of the person that we are seeing
as being a potential partner. Now don’t get me wrong there’s
nothing wrong with being physically attracted to another
person and having feelings of compatibility with them,
but if the values don’t match that chemistry/compatibility,
a healthy relationship will not prosper. We must ask
ourselves: How can one be compatible with someone else if
they don’t share many of the same goals and values, short
and long term? The truth is that anyone can gain weight
and become not as physically attractive as they once were,
just as anyone in a relationship can get mentally lazy and
not be as interesting as they were before.
The same goes for compatibility less the sharing of
values, because similar interests are directly related to
similar values. But it is also our perceived needs and desires
(that we often think make us compatible with another
person) that will eventually give way to belief and value
systems that elevate compatibility to the level of longevity
and health in a relationship.
DATING MYTH #3—GOOD MEN SHORTAGE
While it may be true that there are more women than
men, in general, only women with new and discerning
131
eyes can see this myth for what it really is. Those who
don’t get caught up in statistics, mass media, and other
assorted myths, already know that there are plenty of good
men out there. When a woman realizes this, she will no
longer complain, feel desperate nor settle for men who are
unworthy of her. Nor will she waste time chasing bad boys
or stay with emotionally or physically abusive men. This
woman not only loves and values herself, but also no longer
looks past men who may not be tall enough or has to fit
some superficial image or requirement to be considered for
dating. She no longer buys into societal values or carries
around cynical views about the shortage of good men. She
also realizes that it’s just as important to be a good woman
as it is to find a good man.’
DATING MYTH #4—THE BAD BOY-THUG
This myth revolves around females who like so-called
bad boy/thugs or what they consider dangerous men. These
men or better yet boys are supposedly more exciting and
give women a sense of safety. Often females in their late
teens through their twenties generally prefer this type of
man but after three kids, numerous incarcerations), various
infidelities, a busted marriage or lip later, will eventually
see the fallacy in her thinking. Unfortunately, during the
time that she prefers the bad boy/thug is the same time she
tends to bypass good men, which are always available and
interested in her. Only as time goes on will these women
learn to desire a good man, but this will only occur when
women figure out that true security begins within and no
man can offer her that, no matter how tough or real seems.
DATING MYTH #5—I’M READY FOR A
RELATIONSHIP
Many people feel that just because they have achieved
a certain level of economic success, or because they are
lonely and/or tired of being single or worst because their
loins are screaming at them, that they are in fact ready for
132
a relationship. If you fall into any of these categories, there

are several questions that must be asked including: What
actual work have you done to make yourself ready for a
relationship? When you were a teen, did you go through a
Rites of Passage Program that prepared you for adulthood
much less a relationship? Did you witness a healthy
relationship while growing up? If so, what specific advice or
education were you given in regards to a relationship? What
type of relationship have you formulated with yourself,
your family, and your community? Have you taken time to
heal from your previous relationships?
Looking at all of these questions, How many of us can
claim even one of them? Yet many of us feel we are ready
for a relationship? Come on now! The fact is that we study
and train for everything else in life but for a relationship.
How can we be prepared for one if we in fact haven’t been
prepared or even know what one is ourselves?
DATING MYTH # 6—BUT THE SEX IS SO GOOD
While it certainly doesn’t hurt when the sex is good
in a relationship, I would think or that most of us would
know that even excellent sex does not make for a healthy
relationship. As I stated before, shady men will work at love
merely to get sex, while females give up sex thinking they
are getting love. And listen up men. No matter how well
you think you are putting it down eventually she will want
more, even if you think this is just casual sex.
DATING MYTH #7—BUT SHE/HE HAS POTENTIAL
Potential only means that a person does not have it
now! And that’s okay on the one hand, but on the other
it could be problematic. The real question is how this
potentially affects the long-term health of a relationship.
What is his or her story? What is the plan to get beyond
potential to actualization, and what role do values and goal
planning play in this process? Is this person truly a go-
133
getter, living life to the fullest as well as someone who is

committed to their own growth? Those are the important
questions because ultimately if you can’t grow with him
or her indeed you will not have a healthy relationship no
matter what potential that person has.
DATING MYTH # 8—THE PERSONALITY MYTH
This myth revolves around the belief that someone’s
agreeable personality is a sign of a relationship at hand.
What’s so funny about this is after the representative leaves
and you really spend time and get to know them, their
essence is slowly revealed. This is not to say that someone’s
personality is not important but if it does not match healthy
values and character, there will be no relationship and even
if there is, chances are it will be compromised.
DATING MYTH # 9—THE DATING SERVICES QUICK
FIX
Dating web sites, relationship guide books, phone chat
lines, meet and greet, and speed dating events are okay to
meet people, but if you make a connection through such
venues it still takes that inner work that I will discuss is
this book to build a relationship. First things first are the
rule here.
DATING MYTH #10—I KNOW WHAT A HEALTHY
RELATIONSHIP IS AND I DON’T NEED HELP
This is an egocentric and directed myth. Ego in this
case meaning edging god out or earth guide only. Any truly
evolving person will be open to any help they can get when it
comes to both life and relationships. Who in the right mind
can say they know all they need to know about themselves
much less other people? Who can honestly say that we live
in a culture or environment that supports and nurtures
healthy relationships? If we agree that we live in a crazy
world where there is a lack of love, how we also can say that
we are an island unto ourselves and are NOT affected by
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this world, good, bad or indifferent? If knowledge is indeed

infinite, we can always learn something new and therefore
we can always become better people in the process.
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TOP 10 REASONS
YOU DON’T HAVE
A MAN
“All are female, most are girls, some are women but very few are
ladies. Something similar can be said about men too!”
— Dream Lover, Brooklyn, NY
F
irst Impressions—Attitude-From how you see the world
to your physical demeanor when around brothers; it is
your attitude, words, and mannerisms that will either
attract, or keep brothers from even approaching you.
2. Looks—My Sister, despite what the world i.e., this culture/
society says, the great majority of black men do not want an ultra
slim Kate Moss bulimic body type in a woman. There are many
of us who want a woman who has some meat on her bones, and
anything that doesn’t extenuate your natural beauty is unnecessary
to the average brother, since you are naturally beautiful in the first
place. Therefore all of that excessive make-up, hair extensions, fake
nails, eyes etc., is a waste of time and money. However there is
a difference between phat and fat and at the very least for health
reasons, you should be concerned about diet and exercise. Heart
disease, high blood pressure, cancer and other preventable diseases
leading to premature death are no joke and affect black women at
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Top 10 Reasons You Don’t Have A Man
much higher rates than most other women.

3. Views—If you consistently think defensively in every or
most situations when it comes to black men, there’s no way you
can clearly see and separate who the many decent brothers are
beyond the surface from the many underdeveloped ones, that you
seem to think make all black men are like this or that. If you think
all or even most of us don’t want you first, your views have been
manipulated by family, friends, and experience or most likely the
prevailing culture through its various forms of information and
media and that only seeks to confuse and profit off such nonsense/
ignorance.
4. Values-Closely related to the first and fourth reason, your
values, speak to how you see and what you hold important, in
not only relationships but also your own life’s expectations. Many
brothers can spot a sister who has bought into what the prevailing
society/culture says is important in a mate and what makes for a
healthy relationship, and it goes much deeper than he’s just not
that into you. If you don’t have healthy sense or knowledge of
what relationship is, one way or another a good man will know
and act accordingly.
5. Balance-Balance or a lack thereof, influences how you
function, relate and move in this world. If your life is not in
balance then chances are you are either sullen or high strung, or
depressed, or easily agitated much of the time. These emotions
usually translate to drama and no man wants someone who’s
bringing that to the table.
6. Mama’s/Daddy’s Girl-We all have heard of the trifling, lazy
and irresponsible grown black man who still lives in his mother’s
basement, but the Mama’s/Daddy’s girl is his contemporary in
terms of dependence upon parents. While many a sister will say
she’s independent, there are some who in a minute run to mama or
daddy when times get rough. When this situation gets to the point
of the sister sharing more with mama/daddy or family rather than
him, a brother will begin to feel that it’s him against her world. If
this occurs you can rest assure that the brother won’t stay around
too long.
7. Independence versus. Interdependence-Although
independence is a beautiful thing and it often sounds good
coming out of sister’s mouth, the reality is that none of us are truly
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independent of the social conditions we collectively face as people

and as a people. Not one of us is an island unto ourselves and we
are all affected by one another and the world at large. Until sisters
realize that interdependence is our only reality and necessary
for a healthy, loving and sharing relationship, as opposed to the
control, codependency and general misery of many relationships
we see today, she will never find real happiness nor love with
another person.
8. Clubbing- Sister, If you are always hanging out at clubs and
choose to drink all night, turning down each and every brother
who wants to dance with you only to spend the night getting your
dance on alone, or with your girls, you most likely won’t meet many
brothers, quality ones, that is. Worse still, a dark dank place where
folks are drinking and the music is so loud that you cant even feel
yourself breath is not a great environment to meet someone in the
first place.
9. Selfishness-Often disguised as independence, selfishness
means many things from control to withholding love. Naturally,
these things will run and keep brothers away especially the quality
inwardly secure and well-rounded ones.
10. Past History-Let’s be real we all have issues and baggage
from our past but sister when it gets to the point that you are so
defensive that you think all men are the same, quite often you will
attract just that type of man. If you have not learned from past
mistakes you will certainly repeat the same ones.
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TOP 10 DATING
GAMES THAT
MEN PLAY
P
laying for Keeps—Men, especially those of over
thirty, it’s time to realize that most women over
thirty are playing for keeps. If you think you are
just having casual sex and kicking it, ask yourself: Did I
have to court her to get to this point? If so, the sex is not so
casual to her and means much more. My father used to say,
“Never sleep with a woman you wouldn’t marry. If you have
slept with her under the premise that you two are dating or
have a deeper connection, sooner or later she will think its
love and you two have a future.”
2. The Marriage Question—If you have been in a
relationship for over a year or even several months, she is
probably thinking it’s more serious than you think. Often
times she’s thinking of ways to make the situation permanent
(i.e., engagement, marriage or serious commitment). This
acknowledgment is closely related to playing for keeps, and
unless she has someone on the side, loves the money, and/or
sex, or is just hanging around until something better comes
139
around, chances are she wants something serious. Yeah,

yeah I know, you think you two are just kicking it, but trust
me. She’s thinking or hoping that you are the one.
3. Not Always About You!—There are many things that
can be said about this, but I will direct this toward the men
who think there is something special about themselves as
commodities or that it’s always and only the ladies who
have extraordinary issues and drama. It ain’t always, or
even most of the time, about you! Many times ladies act,
do the things that they do, from their own pain and that
can be based on several factors. These factors can range
from sex to racism, to not having or seeing a positive black
male while growing up, or in a relationship in their own
life. Nine times out of ten, these ladies act and react out
of something that happened in the past that has nothing
to do with you! However, your own underdevelopment can
trigger those negative memories in her, and her own level
of development will determine just how much drama she
will present to you.
4. Sensitivity (Getting in touch with your feminine
energy)—No matter how manly you may be or think you
are, as a human/spiritual being you have both masculine
and feminine energy, and it’s time you got in touch with
both sides, and really look at what you think makes you a
man. If you can’t be sensitive to a woman and open when
you find love there’s no way you are going to keep it; not
with a quality woman, that is.
5. The grass ain’t always greener—For those of you
already in a relationship that think there’s something better
out there for you, remember karma is a bitch! And there’s
a reason the earth is round! If you find a woman to cheat
with, especially one who knows you already have a woman,
she will most likely give it up to others just as quick! It’s not
cute and you are not slick! Everything you think you are
getting away with will, eventually, come back to you and
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Top 10 Dating Games That Men Play
it won’t be pretty! Think of your vehicle keyed up, credit

cards maxed out, your business (or clothes) in the streets,
and not to mention the next relationship where the women
cheats on you. If you are not happy or satisfied and you
can’t work it out with the one you are with, get out of that
relationship.
6. Keeping it on the low—To you cats on the DL, you
need to recognize that we are in the digital age! From your
computer to your cell phone, and all points in between,
what’s done in the dark will come to the light! There is
such a thing as bisexuality (embrace the truth you feel that
makes you who you are). Be open and safe about it, instead
of running around and spreading lies and disease. If you
are fearful that you will lose your woman, chances are you
didn’t have her (in truth) to begin with. No matter if you are
with a man or woman, your woman doesn’t want to share
you anyway. Be straight up about it from the beginning and
let the chips fall where they may.
7. Sex—If you are using sex to get love, you probably
aren’t even getting the BEST of sex with your woman,
because believe it or not, the best of sex happens between
two spiritually connected beings. If you are just fucking, it
may feel good but it could be even better. Not only that, a
woman will eventually want more than just good sex. You
would be surprised at how far truth will get you if you just
admit to what you really want from the beginning with a
woman.
8. Grow up—As much as some of you like to complain
about women, it’s time you looked at your own growth
and development. Beyond how much money you make or
how much education you have attained, the reality is your
degree has only trained you to do specific things, but it’s
not necessary education in the sense of helping you grow as
a human/spiritual being.
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The symbolism of the great Sphinx, representing the

head of a man and body of a lion meant that man could
triumph over his lower animal nature. How many of you
actually work from your true head? If this were the case
more often with many of us you wouldn’t get caught up
with STD’s, unwanted pregnancies, or keyed up cars by
angry women.
9. The Friend Zone—Believe it or not you can actually
get further with a woman through being her friend, and
not clouding things with sex or false illusions of a potential
relationship. This is especially true if you have a worthy goal
and purpose in life and she has the time to support you in it,
as you in hers. Many women have been the only supporters
of men who have done right and made the changes in this
world that we as black men often take for granted.
10. Keep It Real—Trust me, I know how difficult it
is to find the right woman. But, if it’s true that we are
outnumbered by women why not take your time and not
jump into bed or relationships with a woman who is not
truly for you? Why waste your time or hers if you are
checking out other women or wishing yours was more like
the dream woman that you really want? While it may be
cheaper to keep her, why not keep a woman who you have
carefully and respectfully chosen? You can spare yourself
the drama and pain if you keep it real, and take your time
in choosing the right mate from the beginning.
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DATING YOUNG:
THE WARNING
All of these points are not absolutes, and in some cases

they are very generalized and simplified notions about
the intentions and actions of men in dating. However, as
a former player and user, many of these points are true in
one form or another.
I cannot express or overstate the importance of young
women making the right choices in potential mates. There
are countless women now in their thirties, forties, or older
who in their formative years of dating have made horrendous
mistakes in choosing the wrong men to have relationships
with. Far too often the result of this has been divorce,
single-parented children, bitterness, sexually transmitted
diseases, and the decreased likelihood of finding a mate
by the time they reach their thirties, forties, and beyond.
Sadly this is acutely true in Black and Latino communities,
where the divorce rate and children being reared by single
mothers is particularly high.
I believe that this is due largely in part to the wrong
perception that women carry around about what love,
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relationships and a good mate is. I’m focusing on women

because they choose men and not the other way around.
While it’s true that a man usually approaches the woman,
that woman has the first right of refusal. Unfortunately
neither man nor woman is prepared to make the choice
at a young age. I heard someone once ask, If you require
someone to take a driver’s education class, why wouldn’t
you require young people to take a course on relationships?
Certainly driving is important but isn’t choosing a husband
or wife one of the most important decisions we can ever
make? A few weeks of counseling or advice from a minister
cannot suffice for years of mis-education about love and
relationships.
Although I’ve continued to have my share of dating
drama well into my thirties, the seeds of my mis-education
as well as those women I’ve dated is a large reason why I
remain single and chances are, this is true for why you are
single as well. I will discuss strategies to combat later in the
book.
In the beginning of courtship and dating it is extremely
important that you know someone’s family and their values
before you get too deeply involved with them. Besides being
just focused on your partner, it is knowledge of their family’s
historical and current dynamics that will give you clues as
to some of the character and values of the person you’re
dating. But until this occurs here are some general rules for
dating if you’re between the ages twenty and thirty.
1. You Really Aren’t Ready—You aren’t ready to date,
unless you have gone through a serious rites of passage
program or regiment that prepared you for adulthood,
or have been counseled, witnessed a healthy relationship
between your parents, relatives and/or friends, have read
relevant books on dating, relationships and love, no matter
how educated you think you are, no matter how cute you
have been told you are, and no matter how ready you think
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Dating Young: The Warning
you are. You are not ready for a relationship, much less
dating! There are no islands in this culture, and we are
all drowning in this sea called the MATRIX where fear is
posited as love and illusions pose as truth. Look around
and check the state of marriage and relationships in this
country should you need further proof.
2. Who Chooses Who—No matter how a man is looks,
talks or steps to you, it is you who has the first right of
refusal! All that glitters is not gold, nor platinum! Remember
this: It is the woman, who chooses the man! You are the one
who decides whose hooking up and who is NOT. That’s a
beautiful and powerful thing. Make the choice wisely.
3. Being Unrealistic—If you choose a man based on how
he looks, talks, height, or how much money he makes, quite
often you will get just that, his looks, his rap, his height and
maybe some of his money, but will you have a whole man or
healthy relationship merely based on that? I don’t think so!
Character and shared values are still the keys to successful
dating that leads to the prospect of a healthy relationship.
This point may seem like common sense but there are some
women who refuse to date a man who’s not a certain height
or makes a certain amount of money. Even though she may
be 5’1 and he’s 5’9 or he makes thirty thousand and she’s in
school making none. What kind of foolishness is that?
4. The Ruffneck—It’s so funny how some young women
think that certain young men are corny or nerdy while in
their twenties, but when they reach their thirties, this same
man is now the one who got away. Many of these same
women who also like a man with a little or a lot of thug
in them will one day regret making that choice. Sooner
or later the bad-boy thug will go upside your head or do
something foolish or hurtful that lands him in jail or with
another woman, all because he keeps it real, REAL DUMB
that is. Yet it’s the former nerd or corny man who is now a
decent man, interesting, gainfully employed, and of course
145
now happily married or with someone else. When you ask:

Where are the good men? Or say there’s a shortage of good
men when you leave your twenties, you should think about
that man you bypassed while you were with or chasing that
ruffneck.
5. High School/College Sweetheart Syndrome—I
cannot tell you how many young females choose to go on
and marry or stay in relationships with their first boyfriend
from their teens into their twenties. In today’s world and
this culture such unions never last long. Three to four kids
and a divorce later into her late twenties and early thirties
will show that he, like you, was not ready or even aware as
to what a healthy relationship is.
6. Beauty Fades—Yes sweety even though all the men
(and some women) may be at your beck and call now, you
won’t be firm and fine FOREVER! Those suitors and offers
won’t keep pouring in forever either, so don’t let the hype
fool you, no matter how tight you may keep it. A QUALITY
man will seek a woman with more than looks going on and
as her youth fades a QUALITY man who’s committed to
infinite growth will continue the relationship, come what
may.
7. The Power of Your Choices (See Point 2)—The choices
you make in your twenties will have a SERIOUS impact on
you in the future. To find a good man in the LONG-TERM,
you need to be equipped. I will provide a one-year plan to
help you begin this process later in the book.
8. Be a WITNESS, Go to Church—If you want to see
what could be you in twenty to thirty years go to church,
check out all the single older black women there. If they
ever got married their mates are usually long gone due to
a variety of reasons. Make the connection young women!
If you wish to be married or in a long term and healthy
relationship, it’s crucial that you prepare yourself and know
not only how to choose the right mate, but also what a
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Dating Young: The Warning
healthy relationship is.

9. Character and Values over Chemistry and
Personality—I can’t state enough the importance of the
sharing of values between man and woman. Even a man
who you feel you has chemistry with, but who has poor
character and values cannot offer you a HEALTHY long
lasting relationship. Additionally a man with personality
and no character initially will show you his representative
but when that fades away (usually after a sexual encounter)
so will the chemistry. I have and will continue to repeat
this throughout this book: there are some men who work
at love to get sex and there are women who give sex based
on the thought they are getting love, this leads to the next
HUGE point.
10. No MORE Sheets—When a woman has sex with a
man she receives all his joys, AND pain of that man’s entire
life and his whole soul and spirit as well. In other words,
when sex is involved no matter how casual you may think
it is, the more you do it the deeper the attachment with that
man. In many ways his spirit will become a part of yours
good, bad or indifferent. When you realize this you will
know that casual sex is actually oxymoron, so in the words
of Iyanla Vanzant: Don’t Just Give It Away!
*Top Ten Trifling Things Men Say! (....and what they

REALLY mean)
10. “I’m not looking for a relationship right now. I’m

into my career.” Translation: Damn, I know you are a good
catch. But, I wanna hit Pookie off for a few more months.
9. “I’m looking for a man who’s financially secure.”
Translation: I’m in debt right now from supporting Pookie’s
dumb ass. Can you bail me out?
8. “You’re such a nice guy, why can’t we just be friends?”
147
Translation: ‘I’m still begging this other guy to take me

back. Can I keep you on hold, just in case?
7. “I’m looking for a man that absolutely loves kids…”
Translation: ‘Cause I got five of them by five different
trifling ass men.
6. “Do you think I’ve gained too much weight? Do you
still find me attractive?” Translation: Damn, I thought you
woulda dumped my ass since I let myself go like this!
5. “Our relationship is going so well, let’s not spoil it
with sex.” Translation: I gave it up to the last six brothers I
met on the first date. You’re waiting nine months.
4. “Our relationship is going so well, sex will only
enhance it. So let’s take it to the next level.” Translation: I
just found out your old girlfriend is back in town, and she’s
a freak!!
3, (In Bed) “No way I’m trying that, I ain’t a damn
freak!” Translation: I used to that all the time with Leroy,
but he didn’t appreciate it.
2. (In Bed) “Do you think our sex life is exciting?”
Translation: Damn, man, let’s try some kinky stuff, like
when I was with Leroy. I’m a damn freak now!
1. (In Bed) “Let’s try something new, anything you
want....I wanna be your freak!!” (Come on man, let’s get
married...What are you waiting on?!!)
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DATING GAMES
PART 6
10 WAYS TO BREAK
THE DRAMA
CHOICE
In the last section I made allusions to this almighty nuisance

we call drama, below are 10 ways we can break its back. I call it the
Drama Choice but indeed drama is a choice and if we don’t want it
we can choose otherwise.
1. When you see others as enemies or potential ones-
This is a huge fallacy! 9 times out of 10 that person or people
you see as adversaries are NOT even studying you, yet u SWEAR
they are out to get you. PEOPLE! When will you learn that any
negative behavior or energy coming from another person is actually
caused by their hatred of themselves FIRST! If they loved themselves
why would they be negative toward you or anyone else?? But when
you choose to focus on their hate, drama and insanity you make it
yours…
2. Relationship Illiteracy-
I spoke on this point earlier but it sets the foundation for drama
in a relationship. Are you illiterate when it comes to relationships?
Well ask yourselves the following questions: Did you go through a
rites of passage program that taught u about self love and love for
others? Were you taught by your mom and/or dad what a healthy
relationship is? Did you witness a healthy relationship growing up?
Did you take a class about healthy relationships in school? Most of
151
us probably answered no to most if not all of these questions yet we

think that just because we are a certain age or have a certain amount
of classroom education, or life and dating experiences are in fact
ready in fact ready for a relationship. Living in an individualistic/
materialist culture is it any wonder (along with all those facts above)
that many of us fail at relationships and experience drama along
the way? Yet many of us will continue reading fiction novels by
Zane and others rather than actually reading a book about healthy
relationships. When you make that a choice your relationship
illiteracy and its cousin (drama) will continue.
3. But I’m/Were only human!-
It’s funny how when people fall, stumble, or really mess up that
they choose the But I’m only human excuse. Really? But I thought we
were actually spiritual beings having human experiences? I thought
we were all children of GOD? If so, that’s some pretty powerful
stuff, yet we often don’t act like it. In a spiritual sense we often don’t
realize that when our bodies are gone our spirit is the only thing
that remains. The lesson of Jesus rising from the dead was to show
you can’t kill a son or daughter of GOD because you can’t kill the
spirit, and YES we all have a HOLY SPIRIT and when it’s cultivated,
we don’t do foolish things or give into our sexual urges, we work
through our anger or sadness.
When we have prayer, meditation and a brain and breath to
process whatever is going on, why would we do something we will
regret later? But as long as you see yourself as ONLY human, indeed
you will continue to choose DRAMA first; it’s only natural when
you think this way.
4. Is it REALLY drama?? Is EACH situation that does NOT
go your way REALLY drama or negative? All successful people,
leaders, athletes and even businesses have used drama and negative
situations to grow and improve whatever that caused the situation,
Why can’t we? Isn’t a problem really a test to see how we will handle
it and grow? THINK ABOUT IT!
5. Addicted to DRAMA-part 1
Let’s be real some of us are just addicted to drama! Some of
us spend our days watching Jerry Springer, while others listen to
people like Wendy Williams while the rest of us read gossip blogs,
or web sites and still the rest of read the rags, because we either wish
see others who are more messed up than us or we secretly want to
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10 Ways to Breaking the Drama Choice
see people fail. But if our lives were focused and fulfilled why would
we waste time on all of that junk? Wouldn’t we be seeking to help
others? Any inwardly secure individual doesn’t waste time and gets
no secret joy about seeing others fall.’
6. The MATRIX is EVERYWHERE!
Many of us don’t want to hear this but politics is concentrated
economics, and economics are power. Much of the current economy
is set up on drama, and even such things as these inane dating web
sites could care less about you finding a healthy relationship, it’s
about making MONEY! Look around the community where you live
at .these little chicken joints on EVERY corner. They could care less
about the health of the community or food they serve, IT’S MONEY/
THE MATRIX!
These drug companies-Could care less if you are healthy-the
want you to remain addicted to their drugs IT’S MONEY/THE
MATRIX!! Capitalism/THE FREE MARKET system of government
could care less about LIFE, LIBERTY AND THE PURSUIT of
HAPPINESS-(IF there’s NO MONEY for the MATRIX in it) ...Your
job could care less about you and your financial security-THEY want
to make money OFF YOU!...They will NEVER catch Bin-Laden...but
as long as he is the ULTIMATE FEAR FACTOR-they will remain in
control by playing to our worst fears of terror and instant death..
All of these factors and more should prove to you how THE
MATRIX is everywhere. None of these things are about love,
GOD, or ending drama, they only promote the drama, which is
concentrated addiction that keeps you buying, keeps you in fear,
and keeps you in an IMAGINED sense of outward need...
7. THE EGO-better put EDGING GOD OUT or EARTH
GUIDE ONLY is something related to THE MATRIX some of you
mistakenly call it the devil but the reality is as long you choose that
APPLE each day instead of obeying GOD (loving self and others)
you will always choose wrong. You see it’s not some little red man
with a pitchfork that made you eat that double cheeseburger when
you KNOW you already know you’re overweight and unhealthy. It’s
not some fallen angel in your ear telling you to get into that bad
relationship because he or she looks good or has money or even
(SAYS) the right things, it’s those false thoughts in your mind that
were implanted in you from parents, teachers, friends, soap operas,
politicians, commercials, presidents, culture, family, ministers
153
and so on who also are caught up in EGO and have been from the
beginning. To combat all of this cultivate your SPIRIT NOT your
ego. Listen and learn WITHIN, read better, eat better and think
better and with loving thoughts. Or continue listening to the ego,
MATRIX and world and indeed drama will follow you.....forever!
8. Addiction to drama Part 2-Some of us don’t feel alive if there
is NO drama going on in our life; this is a conscious and sometimes
UNCONSCIOUS choice. Some of us don’t take the time to pray
or meditate, many of us don’t like to be alone or practice yoga or
Pilates or Tai -Chi. We don’t feel alive or validated WITHOUT
others around. But what else is the exact OPPOSITE of PEACE but
drama? Unfortunately not enough of us want, seek or feel deserving
of TRUE peace or love. The truth is, as long as you look for love
outside of yourself without cultivating it within you will be addicted
to drama
9. THE FEAR FACTOR- Running through most of these terms
is FEAR as many of us have not only a fear of failure but also a
FEAR success. We think: Who am I to be successful? Who am I to be
happy? Who am I to actually be content and satisfied? Aren’t we are
born sinners? Our fathers weren’t there for us! We are not attractive
enough! We don’t have or make enough money! Our ride is NOT
tight enough! .Blah Blah Blah all this is nothing but ego-centric and
self imposed fear based drama. If we realized each morning, in each
moment of drama or craziness that we are FIRST children of GOD
or the DIVINE, FULLY worthy, FULLY beautiful, powerful and
capable, sons and daughters of KINGS, QUEENS and WARRIORS,
Why would we be fearful of anything??...Fear can ONLY be drama!
And the bible ways PEFECT LOVE CAST OUT ALL FEAR. JESUS
also said the kingdom of HEAVEN is within. Only when we act on
these words as such will conflict and drama leave our lives.
10. Each day is a choice!- The fact that we wake up each
morning with breath gives us a choice as to how we will act/react to
ANY situation. What say you? You only have two choices: Fear and
drama or Courage and Love? Who are you, A child of the divine or
a child of THE MATRIX?
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THE NO MORE DRAMA
NAD RESPECT FOR
RELATIONSHIPS AND
DATING RULES
Below are more simple rules that can end a whole of

drama that goes down in our relationships and that of
others.
1. If a woman or man is already involved with someone
else (even if there are problems in that relationship) –
One should never offer to be more than a friend from
a distance- This is ESPECIALLY true if there’s any kind of
interest on either or both parts.
2. One should never been in a room, house, or apartment
alone with their friend’s man or woman-
Even if you two never did anything it still doesn’t look
right and gives a bad impression. Worst yet is the prospect
of temptation that can get the best of anyone.
3. No more sex first and ask questions later-
This is a HUGE problem. If you barely know someone
or have been dating them for only a short time and you
have sex with them, your chances for developing a healthy
relationship with them decreases immensely. Whether it’s
155
that under evolved man who has accomplished his mission

to hit the skins and be out, or that woman who has given it
up and now thinks with her emotions that sex is love. The
BOTTOM LINE is that sex should NOT ever be taken so
lightly or rushed into so quickly. In this day and time what
the heck is casual sex anyway? With all the diseases and
relationship illiterate folks out here, sex alone does not and
has never made any relationship work, much less led to a
HEALTHY one.
4. Leaving one relationship for another-
If you leave one relationship for another; chances are
that the same will happen to you! It’s the law of Karma!!
Fact is the grass is NOT always greener on the other side.
Whatever issues you have in one relationship will often prop
up in another, and although it may seem really enticing to
have someone listen or be there for you in the midst of your
relationship issues, rather than acting on emotionalism or
lust one should respect the relationship that one is already
in and try to work it out (or) end that relationship, take some
time to heal and then move on.
5. Never seek counsel with someone with a negative or
bitter outlook on relationships-
This should go without saying and personally it
happened in one of my relationships. The woman I was
seeing took counsel and advice from another woman
who was bitter because of her own bad relationship. Yet
my woman at the time took this advice OVER that of her
other friend’s who was married and in a relatively healthy
relationship, suffice it to say, me and the woman did NOT
last too long after that.
6. Learn someone’s background and family before
getting SERIOUS with them-
Learning about someone’s family relations and history
is vital to getting to know how that person was raised and the
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beliefs and values they hold. Unfortunately in this culture

we often TAKE out the family and their history when we
are dating someone. Is it any wonder that even in cultures
where family approval and arranged marriages exist that
the divorce rate is often lower than 20%. Yet the divorce
rate in this country hovers over 55% for all Americans and
it’s even higher for AFRICAN-AMERICANS and Latino’s,
if we are fortunate to get married in the first place!! Don’t
you think that just maybe part of it’s because we take the
family out of the decision making process? However if
BOTH families have issues as is the case in many of our
communities-we should still seek to learn the other person’s
family and history and seek out counsel with wise elders
and other family members.
7. First/Early date No-no’s-
I have spoken and written about this many times
before, but no first date should take place at someone’s
home! Such a date only increases the chances that sex will
happen to soon. Sex on the first date rarely leads to a long
lasting and HEALTHY relationship. Kissing and being
too amorous can not only lead to sex happening too early
but also can hinder someone’s judgment when it comes to
choosing a mate. Suddenly that person’s values, history
and daily habits are overlooked because they make you feel
so good when you are around them. Remember love is a
process NOT an event.
8. No Rebounding-
Closely related to the 4th point one should NEVER
get involved with someone who’s on the rebound. After a
relationship ends, a person should take some time to heal
and understand what went right as well as wrong with the
previous relationship so as he/she knows what to bring into
the new relationship and what to leave out!
9. Best left to the imagination-
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Ladies, Ladies, Ladies! Please leave something to

the imagination especially in the initial stages of dating.
Your wearing skimpy clothes when you meet him will
give many a male the WRONG idea or induce his focus
to be elsewhere than on the real you, it can also be very
dangerous when meeting someone you may even think you
know well. Rapists usually say that they look for women
wearing skimpy clothes (particularly) mini-skirts and
dresses because it’s much easier time to rip off clothes that
aren’t there, same can be said for date rapists. Think about
it, if a man is feeling you sex may already be on his mind
but you don’t have to make it the first thing he thinks about
when he sees you.
10. You down with O.P.P.?
Since there are plenty of single males and females out
here for both sexes do we really need to covet someone
else’s man or woman? With the potentiality of danger of
this pursuit why risk having to fight someone over someone
else who’s not even yours to begin with? Is your life or sanity
worth it? If we are supposed to be with that person it will
happen eventually. In the meantime, work on becoming
the best person you can be while respecting someone else’s
relationship. I’m sure if the shoe was on the other foot you
wouldn’t want someone pushing up on your mate.
Now all of these points above (SHOULD) be common
sense, but as my father once said common sense is the
least most common thing in the world. It’s time that we
have standards and rules of behavior that we respect and
never cross. Contrary to popular opinion, mass media,
the consumer culture, books, movies, plays and so forth
DRAMA does not have to accompany EVERY relationship
that we seek or are in.
It takes two INWARDLY secure and actualized people
to make a relationship work and the only reason TWO
people should be together is to grow and learn from one
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another. Now of course there are even MORE things we

should incorporate into relationship etiquette and dating
but these ten are a good start.
**Also let me add Ladies(especially)-remember that
you choose a man, he NEVER has the FINAL say if you two
will begin a relationship! So please use your POWER and
up your game and selection process by educating yourself!
Begin reading MORE relationship, spiritual, self-help
and non-fiction books as well as books with political,
historical, and cultural content We as black men at times
feel the WHOLE world is AGAINST us and when we come
home, sometimes it feels as if you have the same VALUES
and THOUGHTS as that world. This is at the root of many
of our issues with you.
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TEN THINGS TO DO
BEFORE DATING
Before you jump back into the dating there 10 key things
you should do and they are as follows:
1) Read-Because we seem to learn everything else under the
sun BUT love and what a healthy relationship is through
our various mass media educational and social/cultural
institutions, it is extremely important that we read. This
reading should consist of both fiction and non-fiction works
that propel us toward inner-growth and understanding the
larger dynamics that play a role in lives and relationship.
2) Unlearn as much as you can-Just like the term, Garbage
in/Garbage out, we must take the advice and life lessons
that have been handed down and we experienced as just
that. More often than not the lessons have not served us
very well and the experiences correspond to that. If you
disagree, I have to ask: How well have your life’s lessons
served you? Have they brought you an enduring love with a
mate? If not it’s time for some new lessons to be learned.
3) Evaluate the people around you-I think Erykah Badu said
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Ten Things to do Before Dating
it best. Pick your friends like you pick your fruit. Again ask
yourself: Is your current circle positive and helping you get
to a point of power and happiness? Are you affecting them
in the same way? Or do you feel like you are in still high
school when you talk or around them? If the first answer is
no and the second yes, then you have some evaluating to do.
Unfortunately we don’t have that option with some relatives
or co-workers but use any negative lesson or experiences
from these groups to learn from and empower yourself.
4) Get more into yourself- With school, the job, bills, the
kids, relatives and sometimes even a spouse it seems like
women have time for EVERYTHING and everyone else
but themselves. Take some time for you and remember
that you come FIRST, because if you don’t have or make
time for yourself no one else will and honestly how can you
even give your best to someone else if you aren’t honoring
the same with yourself. Beyond just massages, shopping,
manicures and pedicures, or days at a spa, treat yourself to
a book, movie, walk through the park or a bike ride.
5) Study the world-It’s very important that we understand
the world we live in and it’s important to know that there
are other places on the planet where people live different
than us. Drama is not necessarily everywhere it’s important
that you find how other people live and inhabit their
environment. You might be surprised in what you find.
6) Get in shape-Yep; I’m talking about physically in shape
here. Many women particularly black and brown women
die before their time due to their weight, eating habits and
lack of exercise. Working out stimulates brain cells and
helps with memory, not to mention your overall health.
Getting in shape mentally can be induced by doing Yoga,
Pilates, prayer and meditation etc.
7) Study history-Related to the 5th point, it’s important to
study history because things have NOT always been as they
are now. We have both a tragic and glorious history that we
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need to understand in order to really know why things are

the way they are now and also how we can make our lives
better. We have to keep our history alive so as to guide,
empower and teach us as well as future generations how to
live with and love one another. If we can’t or don’t do this
the future will be even bleaker than it is now.
8) Get involved in the community-There is so many issues
in our community that need addressing and these issues are
affecting you on one level or another. Attend a meeting join
an organization, or provide material support to a credible
group that’s working to empower our community and the
world.
9) Turn off the garbage! - Whether it’s the mental garbage on
TV, the internet or the radio or the garbage you tell yourself
daily or in certain situations that you learned from those
around you or from those who raised you. It’s important
you turn it off and remember that you are a child of GOD.
You are precious, loved and valuable; don’t let anyone or
anything tell you otherwise.
10) Keep a HEALTHY paranoia-We must remember the
duality of this world, it’s both beautiful and ugly. Much
of its ugliness is found in the love of what’s external, be
it race, economic status, xenophobia, gender, body image,
or stereotypes all these are connected to material (money)
system we live in. It’s EXTREMELY important that we keep
a HEALTHY paranoia and a discerning cynicism regarding
what we hear from authorities, people, and see on television,
and listen to the radio, and even in the foods we eat.
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10 RULES FOR
DIVORCED AND/
OR DATING WITH
CHILDREN
1) Baby Daddy/Mama Drama

If you or your child’s mother or father don’t have a
CLEAR understanding that your relationship is over, and
arrangements for the care and/or custody of the children
are NOT worked out, you should NOT even be thinking
of dating, or engaging someone until all those things are
in place. You should also work hard to maintain as good a
working relationship your child’s other parent as possible.
Not to mention that you should work toward closure with
them as well, even if you two only made a baby or babies.
It’s not fair to the new person in your life and can be
potentially dangerous to them, yourselves and possibly and
children involved.
2) Separated but not yet divorced
This is related to the first rule, and it’s only fair to
yourself and your next partner, that you have FULL closure
from your ex. It does NOT matter how bad he/she treated
you, or how long you were miserable in the marriage or
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relationship, you still need time, closure and true healing to

take place. You must also remember that you did marry or
were with that person for a reason, and at one point you did
love that person as well. So many of us are in rush to move
on that we don’t even allow the ink to dry on those divorce
papers before we are with someone else. Take some time
and enjoy your freedom first and then allow some time for
healing and reflection. Also keep in mind that no matter
how bad the relationship was it could NOT have been all
bad, because you DID learn and grow as a result of it (or
should have).
3) Support that support paying Brother/Sister!
There’s nothing wrong with having a few blockbuster
nights or walks through the park with that Brother or (in
some cases Sister) who’s funds may be limited because they’re
paying child support. This person is being responsible in
taking care of his/her responsibility and may not be able to
ALWAYS take you out for a high priced dinner or date. So
if you decide to date such a person understand the financial
situation they may be in. Often the best and most romantic
dates or places to go are free or cheap anyway, like parks,
museums, street fairs etc.
4) Dating with kids
Just because both of you have children does NOT make
your connection more natural or palatable. Although there
are advantages in such dating circumstances, the only true
connection between two people are their inwardly secure,
evolving and acculturated spirit, as well as knowledge and
practice of what a healthy relationship is.
5) NO SEX WITH YOUR EX!!
I don’t care how good the sex was between you and
your ex, (DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH YOUR THEM!) If it’s
over let it be COMPLETELY OVER! It’s not fair to the new
person coming into your life if you are still attached to your
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10 Rules for Divorced and/or Dating with Chidlren
ex; sex cheats them both physically and emotionally. You

broke up with them for a reason, and even that GOOD sex
you two couldn’t save that relationship! So why would you
still allow that energy to permeate your new life?
6) TIME, TIME TIME -Part 1!!!
It has been said that someone should take at least twice
the time as they were married or involved with their ex
before they get involved again. I however do not subscribe
to pre-set and mechanical time mantras when it comes to
this. I do have two recommendations though one should be
to READ as much as possible (I will provide a good reading
list later in the book). You should be take time to process,
heal and think anew, prayer, meditation, and yoga good
starts to this process.
7) NO SHORT CUTS IN DATING!!!
Just because you are single and desire a relationship,
does NOT mean you are ready for one! Even if those divorce
papers are signed and you haven’t been in love with your
ex for a while, you are not necessarily healed from that
relationship. Don’t join any dating website, go on any date
or even entertain thoughts of seeing someone. If and when
you are TRULY ready to meet people, go to events that
interest you. In those types of settings there are increased
opportunities that you may meet folks that you share some
common interests with. If you are a woman shoot that man
a slight yet warm and inviting smile, if he comes over to
speak with you, ask him questions related to the event you
two are at. From that point you will see where his head is, at
least in the context to where this event is taking place. It’s
better than meeting some stranger online, who you can’t
see and who’s energy you can’t feel in person.
8) YOUR KIDS (DON’T) COME FIRST!!
Oh my GOD!! The horror of what I just said, right??
Well it’s true!! How in the heck can your children get the
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best parenting and guidance if mommy or daddy is not

taking care of himself or herself first and foremost? When
I say first and foremost that only means that you not take
care of your children to the detriment of you .If you are
striving to be all you can be, that in the long run will set
the most positive example for your children. In my many
years as a counselor/therapist at a family support program I
have seen parents hide behind their children because they
themselves didn’t know or realize their own purpose on
this earth. Often the result is NOT better parenting but
actually the stunting of that child’s and parent’s growth
and development.
There are many of us who experienced such unhealthy
parenting practices that we now overcompensate in our
parenting with our own children. This (to a large degree) is
why you see underdeveloped and underperforming children
who take many of our sacrifices for granted. One day this
perfect world we are trying to create for our children will
collapse when they see the REAL world for themselves.
Not only will they NOT be able to cope but they will resent
us for setting them up and enabling them to the degree
that they can’t function independently. (Many times that
brother who’s still living in his mother’s basement had
this type of love from his parents). Your own self care as
well as a healthy balance and proper boundaries for your
children will best serve both you and you child’s growth
and development.
9) THE PACKAGE DEAL-(YOU, THE KIDS AND
DATING)
The Package Deal tends to be the case more with women
BUT it’s also present with many men. No man or woman
needs to have your children initially presented with you as
part of any potential dating package . Although you should
be STRAIGHT UP about your parenting status, you have
to connect with the person of interest FIRST! If you two
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don’t connect it won’t matter how he/she gets along with

your children. This should go without saying. If you and
the other person decide to see each other but the other does
NOT have a child he/she should work to develop a positive
relationship with not only you but also the children. Time
is the key in this matter though, and it’s not fair to expose
your children to someone who you may not even end up
with romantically, as children tend to get easily attached.
But if you two can stick to a friendship agreement no matter
what the relationship ends up being, then that other person
can continue making a positive imprint on your children’s
lives, if that’s what you wish.
10) TIME, TIME, TIME-Part II
If you were in a long term marriage or relationship, you
need to know that the dating terrain has indeed changed,
keep reading, that’s a large part of why I wrote this book.
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10 WAYS SPOT A
POTENTIAL RELATIONSHIP
AND AVOID
THE DATING GAMES
1. THE SEX FACTOR-

If he’s physically/sexually pushing up on you from
the very beginning BAD SIGN! If a man is evolved and/or
evolving then he has much more on his mind than just sex..
Even if he’s feeling you sexually his impulse control never
supersedes his deeper interest in you. Any real MAN knows
that there’s so much more to explore in a relationship than
just sex if he finds you interesting and he himself is diverse
he will explore many non-sexual things with you. If he
takes you to intellectual/spiritual/artistic/cultural places on
the first few dates it shows he has some depth. If its movie/
dinner and then back to your or his place then chances are
that that is where his true intentions begin and end. Going
to a thought provoking movie that is also interesting not
only gives you something to talk about but you will also get
more of an idea where his mind is. Dinner after a movie is
the perfect place for such an engaging conversation.
2. The Relationship ready Man-
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10 Ways to Spot a Potential Relationship and
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I heard Iyanla Vanzant once say: when it comes to a

man don’t bring me potential it only means he ain’t got it
now’! But the truth is that most of us have NOT been taught
what a HEALTHY relationship is, thus very few of us are
prepared. Despite what his representative might put out,
exactly what has he witnessed or been taught about love
and relationships? Is he well read? Has been taught how
to treat a woman? If not, chances are that he may ONLY
have potential. When you begin to date or think a man has
potential find a way to ask all of these questions.
3. The well read Man-
Since I have just established that most of us don’t know
what a healthy relationship is, one of the ways a man can
make up for some of that is to have read various books on
relationships, culture, self-help, spirituality, politics and
even healthy sexual practices. If he has not read much on
any of these subjects or if he’s not willing or interested
in these various topics, chances are that he’s relationship
illiterate and sooner or later after his representative wears
off, you will know where he’s coming from.
4. The well lived/living Man-
If he hasn’t read much on relationships or those other
subjects, the Well lived/Living man is potential someone
worth considering. This type or man takes care of himself
mentally, physically and emotionally. He also tends to take
care of those around him, family and friends and is seeking
to live in balance while improving the lives of those around
him better. However, this type of man should still be open
to reading and learning more. Make sure you seek to read
books and discuss them with this type of man if you wish
to explore deeper into his see his mind, heart and values.
5. The values question-
(As I’ve stated through much of this book)No matter
what your dating situation is if BOTH of your values don’t
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match then eventually there will be conflict. We can talk

about looks, personality, sex appeal, earning potential and
all the rest of it but values ultimately guide our actions, in
dating and our lives.
6. The Purpose factor-
We all have a purpose but the question is: What is his?
And just as important: What is yours? In a spiritual sense
aren’t we are all called to love and serve one another? Isn’t
that our divine and highest fundamental purpose? We also
all have unique talents and gifts to offer the world are we?
Any man who has an honorable and healthy sense of
purpose is NOT trying to screw EVERYTHING that moves;
in fact he realizes the contradiction of being disrespectful
to women by cheating or being a playa.
If he doesn’t know his purpose or then he’s not pursuing
divine or quality things in life. If he is working on himself
and trying to reach his highest purpose he’s seeking to
develop himself beyond his physical and sexual urges. A
purpose driven man does these things whether involved or
not.
7. The Control Factor-
In no way does an evolved/evolving man seek to control
any woman! A healthy man knows that his role is protector
and provider, he meets a woman where the divine is and
his being a protector and provider means he does just that.
This man provides love, direction, and physical protection.
He’s flexible enough to let his woman take the lead where
he’s weak and assert himself where he’s strong, all for the
betterment of the relationship. He is NOT on some cave
man stuff, he’s secure enough to step back when he needs
to and doesn’t always have to be right. He doesn’t buy
into the textbook and traditional view of what a STRONG
man is and doesn’t mind being the ONLY provider in a
relationship. The controlling is the exact opposite.
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Avoid the Dating Games
8. A Strong Man-
Related to the last point, a STRONG man is also not a
controlling one. He’s inwardly secure and not into jealousy
because he knows what love is and he KNOWS his role
as a STRONG man is to be wise enough to let a woman
assert herself where he’s weak and insert himself where
she’s weak. A STRONG man is well rounded and well
read or at least open to reading and continual learning and
evolution.
9. A Man of the community-
This point is particularly important to Black and Latino
men but not exclusively. This man cares for his community
and people. He usually has had great mentors and teachers
throughout crucial parts of his life and is usually pretty
well read. I was fortunate enough to be a preacher’s son
and grandson as well as mentored by a Black Panther and
many other positive men that my mom placed in my life. A
man of and about the community will NOT do destructive
things to women nor his fellow man, because his conscious
has been conditioned and trained to know that we are all
connected to each other and respect is key for our growth
as a people. A true man of the community is about uplifting
his people. He’s concerned about our children, his family,
our women, young men and elders.
10. A Spiritual Man
Not Pious or RELIGIOUS man, when I say a spiritual
man I mean a man who knows GOD works through him
daily. He’s not on some stoop or soap box quoting scripture
every day. He lives connected to the universe and as the
divine expects us to. It doesn’t matter (although it wouldn’t
be a bad thing) if he believes in GOD, it’s important that he
lives love each day.
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TOP 10 SIGNS OF A
GOOD FIRST DATE
(FOR WOMEN)
1. He shows up on time-or at least calls if he’s running

a little late, this shows consideration, value and respect for
your time.
2. He takes you to see an entertaining and thought
provoking film- Because afterwards you can engage in some
substantial conversations that will give you some insights
into each other’s thoughts.
3. He maintains eye contact with you- If a man keeps
eye contact throughout the date with you it shows that he’s
not just checking out your body parts and is likely interested
in what you have to say rather than just what your body has
to offer.
4. He listens to you-This like the other parts of the date
can all be game, but if he listens to what you have to say
and can recall certain things that you may have said earlier
in the date that’s a sign of good listening (communication)
skills on his part.
5. He doesn’t talk too much about himself-Any man
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Top 10 Signs of a Good First Date (For Women)
worth is his weight in gold is proud of whom he is and his

accomplishments, but unless initiated by you he shouldn’t
commandeer the date or conversation by talking only about
himself. If he tends to talk a lot it should only be because
you asked him to expound on something, otherwise it’s all
about his ego and that’s not a good sign.
6. Sex does not come up on the date-If a man brings
up sex on the first date it’s DEFINITELY not a good sign…if
he’s really into you then he’s far more interested in what
your NON-SEXUAL thoughts are. There are so many other
things to talk about when meeting someone for the first
and dating is so much more than sex, if he’s well rounded it
shouldn’t be too hard for him to talk about other things.
7. He has old school charm-There’s absolutely nothing
wrong with old school charm, opening car and restaurant
doors, or pulling out your chair. It is something that’s in
short supply nowadays. If he does these things it shows that
he has some manners and has been raised in such a way.
But then again like the other points it’s NOT a DEFINATE
guarantee that it’s NOT game.
8. He keeps his hands to himself-This should go
without saying! Unless you are initiating the action because
it’s (that) kind of date, he shouldn’t be all over you and if
you allow it he will think you are easy and probably won’t
respect you.
9. He pays for the date -This is of course another given,
on the FIRST date a man should pay for the date and he
should pay until you insist or it’s understood that you two
are going dutch. This not only shows consideration on
his part but it also shows he has the means to take you
somewhere. But it doesn’t necessarily mean you should take
advantage of this by ordering the most expensive things on
a menu or always go out to expensive places.
10. He takes you to a classy place-Movies are very
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typical for a first date and they don’t show much originality
HOWEVER…if the film is thought provoking and gets both
of you to talk and get to know each other’s views a bit it’s
a great first date idea. Also Museums are good, jazz clubs,
art shows, tours just about anywhere where you have to
walk and or talk is a positive first step to getting to know
someone.
Dating Disclaimer: Now none of these signs is proof
positive that the person you go out with for the first time is
not playing a game but over time if he continues grow and
shows consideration and respect for you chances are that
you may be on a good course with this person.
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TOP 10 SIGNS OF A
GOOD FIRST DATE
(FOR MEN)
1. She smiles when you show up-Even if it’s a fake

smile, the fact that she’s trying is a good first sign. If it’s not
real try your make it real before the date is over.
2. She reaches over to open the door for you- AFTER
you opened the door for her of course. This shows that
she’s conscious and considerate. (But if you door opens
automatically this may be moot.)
3. She makes subtle body contact with you-It could
be just a playful punch or tap but the fact that she feels
comfortable enough to touch you is good.
4. She isn’t in a rush to end the date-This should be
obvious, but the fact that she’s in no rush to get home or cut
the date short means she’s probably having a good time and
trying to get to know you better.
5. Her attention is focused on you throughout the
date-There can be so many distractions during a date, be it
other people in the restaurant, cell phones going off, or just
something on her mind, but the fact that she’s focused on
you, means she’s interested in what you have to say, that’s
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always a good sign.

6. She listens to you-The fact that the conversation is
NOT all about her and she listens to you and allows you to
speak freely is a great sign that she has good listening thus
communication skills.
7. She shares relevant information about herself-This
is an excellent sign, it means that she feels a certain level
of comfort and security with you and can be open about
herself with you. It also increases the chances for a second
date.
8. She doesn’t order the most expensive thing on the
menu-Again this is another instance of being respectful
and considerate.
9. She offers to pay the tip for dinner-Like signs 2, 5
and 8 not only does this show consideration for you and
your finances, but for the first date a man should pay for
most if not all of it.
10. She makes allusions about a second date-These
hints can be as subtle as her saying I’ll tell you next time to
her making suggestions about the places you will go for the
next date but the allusion for one is ALWAYS a good sign.
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TOP 10 SIGNS OF A
BAD FIRST DATE
(FOR WOMEN)
1) He does not tell you that you look nice.-Hey maybe

you don’t to him but as a common courtesy, he could at least
be a gentlemen and make the compliment.
2) He opens no doors for you, lacks etiquette (including
car door) he does not pull chair out for you)-this should go
without saying (especially on the FIRST date).
3) He eyes every other woman at dinner or the event
you two are attending-this is NOT only rude but shows you
where his mind is.
4) He rarely makes eye contact with you during the
date.-any REAL man is NOT scared to make eye contact
with a woman (or man), not only does it show maturity but
also sincerity.
5) He talks about nothing or only himself for all or
most of the date.-this type of a man is ego-centric and NOT
a good candidate to date.
6) He stares at your body for all or most of the night
(and no matter how much you try to get over it ladies or
177
think he can move past such carnal delights of your frame)

chances are, during a first date, if that’s his focus in the
beginning it will be throughout.
7) He asks you to split the check for dinner, movies,
tickets etc., (unless you invited him out). But even then he
should STILL pay at least for the first date-tip, not necessarily
included).
8) After the date he does not walk you to the door. If
you live in New York City and neither of you have a car, he
should still ride the train or put you in a cab.
9) He does not call you the next day (damn all that
cool/pride stuff), if he had a good time, he wants to see you
again, he’s not pressed, but he’s not fronting either by not
calling.
10) You don’t hear from him again (that should be a
no-brainer), and NO don’t you call him-a MAN will have
no issues telling you how he’s feeling, if indeed he’s feeling
you.
*(Bonus BAD Sign)* He tries to sleep with you on the
first date!!
My sister (I can’t say this enough), but if a man REALLY

likes you, is living a worthwhile life and finds you interesting
beyond the physical, he has much more to explore and offer
than just immediate sexual relations with you. If he pushes
up for sex and you give it to him, more often than NOT
you will not hear from him again and if you do, he most
likely will see you primarily in that sexual light, rarely does
this light lead to true and enduring love. * Of course there
are many more reasons like excessive cell phone usage and
his showing up REALLY late with no good explanation or
phone call to tell you he’s on his way, but these should be
obvious...
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TOP 10 SIGNS OF A
BAD FIRST DATE
(FOR MEN)
1) You tell her she looks nice, but she does NOT return
the compliment-(you either shouldn’t have worn those Tims
with hoody to the first date or she’s just not into you man!)
2) If you pick her up in your car open the door for her
and she doesn’t reach over to unlock the door for you, she’s
either still trippin out on what you are wearing or she’s
realized early on that she’s in this date for self (this means
free food, movie and/or event). If you have automatic locks
on your car-scratch what I just said
3) If you are sitting next to her and she’s sitting with
her legs crossed and away from you, it’s not a DEFINATE
bad sign. It could be that she does not want to be too much
open on the first date, but I would be just a little worried if
she’s like that all night.
4) Her eyes follow attractive and even not so attractive
men for most of the night, this means she’s hoping someone,
ANYONE will save her from this date and if she goes to the
bathroom a few moments after making eye contact with
some guy, she’s probably giving him her cell number or vice
179
versa.
5) She doesn’t care or even notice when you eye a
beautiful woman-if she’s into you she’s at least going to
make a comment about it.
6) After you pay for the entire dinner and she doesn’t
even offer to pay the tip, (especially if it’s an expensive
meal-it’s common courtesy for her to offer. At the very least
she should thank you for dinner.
7) She gives short answers to most of your questions.
(What she’s really thinking is: when will this date end and
this guy stop talking to me!’).
8) When you get home and you see that she didn’t say
anything about the booger in your nose, or that one collar
sticking up or basically anything out of place, it means
she was NOT paying attention to you nor cared how you
looked.
9) She does not say: Thank You when you pull out a
chair for her, open doors, or at the end of the date. That’s
just rude and a bad sign about her character
10) She dresses down for the second date but insists on
doing or eating the most expensive things during that date.
(If this happens, you are being used for a pay date’) -which
means she noticed your nice guy-friendship qualities and
she KNOWS that you don’t mind treating her to dinner
or a movie. In fact she’s probably thinking a free dinner or
event is her favor to you for even being in her presence….
What about DL Men?
Well as you have read by now, I don’t go too much into
the whole DL thing in this book but I did find the article
below to be pretty interesting. Some of the points are pretty
specific to New York City but it is valuable nonetheless. If
anyone knows Bimbo tell him to reach out to me so I can
get more information to help the ladies with this type of
information.
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DATING GAMES
PART 7
WHAT MEN
REALLY WANT
Up until this point I have tried to be as authoritative

about things that experienced, practiced, been taught,
observed, studied and learned. While I don’t claim to be
the spokesman for all men I do believe that we share many
of the same desire and needs. Many of us want first and
foremost to have an attractive woman who always has our
backs and best interests at heart. She should be one who can
show appreciation and respect for a black man and some
of the challenges we face in this society. Many of us want
her to be assertive when it comes to pursuing her career
(outside) of the relationship but she should be reasonable,
fair and realistic within the relationship. Some of us want
the socially conservative traditional churchgoing woman,
while others want the Madonna/Whore type (Angel in the
Streets but whore between the sheets). There are those of
us who want her to be traditional like our mothers, aunts,
grandmothers and favorite teachers while we were growing
up.
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There are a great number of us who want a woman

who knows when to talk and how to listen. There’s nothing
better than coming home after a long and hard day and
being allowed to get settled in before we hear about her
ENTIRE day at the office, with the kids or some drama
with her family or friends. We don’t want to be bitched at
or complained to (all or even most the time). We want a
woman who’s in control yet knows when to acquiesce that
control. Don’t believe the hype either because there are
many of us who want a gainfully employed woman, if you
make more money than us, it’s cool but you don’t have to
throw it in our faces. We want to know that we are still the
man by being the providers and protector (even if in reality
that’s not always the case).
We want a fun and adventurous woman who likes
to explore her queendom from sensual to spiritual and
intellectual but sometimes it would be nice if you could just
chill and watch the game with us or let us watch it alone
or with our boys. We want a woman who takes care of
herself but at the same time doesn’t mind getting her hair
a little messed up. If we are in the mood you don’t always
have to jump in the shower just because you’ve been out all
day. Sometimes we want you at our beck and call. Heaven
knows that we’re sometimes at yours.
Sometimes we want what may seem like a lot but
the more reasonable of us don’t want more than what we
ourselves are willing to provide.
We don’t want to be controlled or a leash on us but then
again we do want the attention when needed. We want a
buddy, a rebel, someone who’s practical, but at times can
think outside of the box. One who will compliment us and
is strong where we are weak.
If she can cook that’s beautiful but if not bless her heart
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What Men Really Want
for trying, and we only hope she understands if we try to

take her out to eat (if we can’t cook either). Just keep it real
with us. If we met you fine, smart firm, thick and beautiful
don’t let yourself go physically or mentally.
In closing, we want a partner and someone we can
grow with, one who can be our rock and stone when we
can’t, just wear it in a female package. It’s so beautiful when
you are balanced mentally, emotionally, sexually and won’t
compare us to the last guy you were with. We want to be
able to express ourselves without it being held against us at
a later time.
We want you to be our ace boon, our best friend and
confidante where our boys can’t. we want you to be that
all that God made you to be. We don’t want you try to
emasculate or measure us by other folks standards.
We want to you to be open to us loving us so we can
love you with all the fullness you deserve.
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WHERE ARE THE
GOOD MEN?
I live in New York City, one of the world’s largest and

most exciting cities. I’m a single man in my 30’s. I have
no children and my own successful business. I love ALL
women, the black, beige, and brown ones especially! I carry
a very deep and profound respect for my mother and all
women in general. I’m well read and have a healthy love
of self. I’m inwardly secure and lead an autonomous life,
dependent only on GOD and the guidance of my ancestors.
I’m not needy or clingy; I have a college degree and many
talents. I’m a poet, writer and athletic. I’ve never physically
beat up a woman. I work with children, singles, families,
and professionals.
You know what’s so crazy is about all this? (And NO
it’s NOT that I have just created a personal dating ad in my
own book) what’s crazy is that: I’m (not) supposed to exist!
Yet not only do I, but there are MANY men just like me!
Every day we ride the trains with you, are in a car stuck
in traffic next to you. You see us on the streets, sometime
we even work in the same buildings or offices as you. We’re
186
Where are the Good Men?
on that same rush hour train or bus reading a newspaper

sitting across from you. We’re at church or in the library,
reading and doing research just like you. We’re in clubs
enjoying the music just like you. We’re at museums, the
park, and working out for the same reasons as you. We’re
out and about trying to find you and just you; even though
you think we’ve given up on you. But everyday instead of
smiling, saying or returning a pleasant hello, you often
assume we could be annoying at best or stalker at worst,
if you were to actually speak. How can you find us if you
walk around with a mask, nose in the air or a screw face
acting like you cant see us?
You see I’m asked all the time: Where are the good men?
But that’s the wrong question. The real one starts with you
and where you are mentally, spiritually and emotionally.
How secure and culturally mature are you? What are your
interests? Why are you on this earth? What is your purpose
here?
When you can honestly answer these questions the
path to love and your destiny begins. But remember your
own life and happiness is not predicated on your search for
a man yet at the same time it becomes a bit easier to find
him when you take that first step.
What do I mean? Well it’s quite simple; once you begin
to live your truth and purpose you begin to do things and
congregating to places that bring you closer to your destiny.
For instance if you are into the visual arts, you attend
events at galleries and museum. If you are against the war
or police brutality then you go to meetings and rallies that
speak to those issues. If you like jazz, then you go to jazz
concerts and festivals. If you are interested in becoming
more healthy and fit not only do you begin to eat better and
workout but you participate in marathons or other sporting
events where thousands of people already are. You also
begin shopping at groceries stores that carry healthy foods,
187
where other like minded people are.

Now does this mean that you go to all of these places
and events just because men may be there? NO, remember
all relationships begin with YOU and there’s nothing
more important than your own growth, evolution and you
embracing your life and purpose. But by pursuing those
things you will also been congregating to places where men
with common interests as you already are.
In short to find a good man you must be a good woman.
That means you must first be all you were created to be and
to do that you must be passionate/purposeful about life,
love, learning and your own growth.
188
A SPIRITUAL
PARTNERSHIP
Well folks I have some good news and some

uncomfortable news. First the good, believe it or not you can
find and build a healthy relationship starting immediately,
but the uncomfortable news is that until we understand the
true meaning of love we will NEVER be able to cultivate a
such a relationship, there’s no two ways around it folks!
To understand love you must understand its true essence
which is selflessness.
In order for us to get to this place we not only have
to go against just about everything we’ve been taught by
our parents, friends, lovers, relatives, ministers, teachers,
and acquaintances. We also must fight through a social and
cultural system that incessantly enforces selfishness which
is the antithesis of selflessness. This fight or struggle is not
one that can be won in a day, month or maybe even in a
lifetime.
Despite what you’ve read, how many times we’ve been
baptized, had light build moments, or think you’ve found
the love of our life, as long as a social/cultural system is
189
in place that doesn’t support full human, cultural and

spiritual evolution and development, our relationships will
be fraught with difficulties and drama.
Young men will continue to view women as mere sexual
objects as long as the white alpha male controlled music
industry features thong wearing, high heeled, scantily clad
women in music videos and its cousin the fashion industry
creates ever more revealing and age inappropriate clothing
for females. Young women will continue buying into this
anything goes imagery, thinking that their bodies make
them who they are. Adolescent boys and girls will continue
to be taught by their sex instructors that it’s normal act on
their impulses when puberty starts, as long as they protect
themselves.
Young women will continue in their late teens and
early 20’s to be wooed by underdeveloped young men and
head over heels with thugs and bad boys or those with
money. Young men will continue acting cool and just aloof
enough to make young women curious about them. Men
in their mid 20’s to early 30’s will learn that women are
really looking for love, but because they have not been truly
educated, will continue telling women they love them in
order to get sex. Young women will give up sex thinking
they are getting love and so on and so forth. Because we
don’t live in and by a culture that supports and promotes
character development, interpersonal communication and
respect between the sexes, the marriage the divorce rate
will continue to soar.
I know this is a pretty bleak picture I’m painting but is
it NOT our current reality? Are there not a myriad of dating
books, radio and television shows that speak to about the
dismal state of relationships? Are there not more women
and men NOT married than married? How can we honestly
say that all of these things are not true?
What can be done about this situation? Well there’s
190
A Spiritual Partnership
only one solution, we must fight against the system by

loving ourselves and each other. To be loving we must first
begin to see with new eyes.
This being the information age, we must seek to
acquire the knowledge to empower not only ourselves but
all whom we come in contact with. Only when we see with
NEW eyes can we fight a system that does NOT value or
promote love. We must turn off reality shows, and videos
that degrade women. We must stop supporting mass and
popular programming and products of all stripes that
belittle love, intimacy, emotional maturity, and spiritual,
emotional and cultural understanding and development.
We must to learn to let go of all prejudices without
being foolish. We have to know that we were at one point
only one sperm cell that had a 350,000 and 6 million chance
to fertilize that egg and we did just that. We need to realize
that not one of us is an accident and we are all supposed to
be here. In short we must be more compassionate, humble
and grateful for this life that we are blessed with…..
In the next section I have created a one year plan to help
begin your journey to authentic love. I can guarantee that
if you follow it you will have more peace, love and a sense
of empowerment in your own. Not to mention improved
prospects for dating and relationships in your life.
191
THE ONE-
YEAR PLAN
TOWARD TOTAL
EMPOWERMENT
There’s absolutely no reason in the world why we can’t
change our individual or collective circumstances. In fact
it is absolutely necessary that we do this to ensure a more
promising future for ourselves and future generations. What
follows is a one year plan to start the journey to finding and
fully empowering yourself.
1. Clear out all clutter!

That means ALL of the clutter! Clean and organize
your home, know where everything is and make sure it
serves a purpose. Even if you can’t pay some of your bills,
organize and create a file system for them. Clear out those
useless messages in your e-mail inbox. Begin with a clean
slate TODAY! Creating love, light and well being begins
with you and the immediate surroundings in your living
space. Learn about and get a book about Feng Shui to begin
this process.
2. Change your diet, both mentally and physically!
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The One-Year Plan Toward Total Empowerment
Whatever you have been taught or learned that is has

not been loving about yourself or helped you grow as a
person, get rid of it in your mind. Remember that no matter
what, you are NOT an accident! Neither is your life! You are
SUPPOSED to be here and once you know this and accept
it FULLY you honor your life by striving for the best it has
to offer.
If you have negative people or energy around you, get
rid of them! If they aren’t helping you grow you don’t need
them around! It’s also advisable to keep certain negative
people and energy around because you can learn from
them and it can help you grow. Be it a co-worker or family
member chances are you can’t get rid of them anyway so
use them for your own growth and possibly theirs as well.
If you are not physically fit or practice healthy eating
habits, it should go without saying that you should start.
Stop eating fried and junk foods and begin to eat balanced
meals that include more fruits and vegetables. 6 small meals
are standard here and no meals should be larger than a fist
full in portion size. Drink at least 8 glasses of water each
day!
Join a gym or if you can’t afford one find a local track
and begin to workout at least for 30 minutes a day, at least
3 days a week.
Physical activity is a necessity in that it helps you:
lose weight, stay physically fit, clear out impurities in your
body, and generally feel better. It also helps to stimulate
and activate brain cells and this can further help you clear
out those garbage thoughts you have about yourself, other
people and life in general.
If you have any health issues: Consult with your
physician before you start any physical exercise or work out
routine.
193
3. Spiritual/Mental/Physical Exercises: Prayer, Meditation,

Yoga, Pilates, etc.
Before we get to the reading exercises, it’s important
that you also establish a daily routine that begins with one
or all of these activities: Prayer, Meditation, Yoga and or
Pilates, or any other related stretching/flexibility exercise.
Any of these activities practiced first thing in the morning
serve to mentally and physically prepare you for the
reading(s) as well as the day. Also seek to replace things
like caffeine with ginseng, sugar with honey, sugar laden
cereals with whole grains and fruits in the morning. Take
herbs and multivitamins as well.
4. The Reading
To begin your reading there are four key must read
books that are essential to the one year plan. If you read all
of them and in this order your growth, development and
looking at the world with new eyes are guaranteed, they
include:
1. Acts of Faith: Daily Meditations or Until Today both
by Iyanla Vanzant—Either or both of these books is to be
read to begin each for an entire year. This is because there
are 365 entries (one for each day of the year).
2. One Day My Soul Opened Up by Iyanla Vanzant –In

this book you learn 40 different principles that you learn,
journal about and put into practice each day. This book
should also be read the right after Acts of Faith or Until
Today,
*After the first 40 days or when you finish One Day My
Soul Opened Up, add these following books to your reading
list:
3. The Four Agreements by Don M. Ruiz-This is a relatively
short but powerful book it will help you improve the way you
process things in the world and people in your life.
194
The One-Year Plan Toward Total Empowerment
4. An Afrocentric Guide To A Spiritual Union by Ra

Un Amen Nefer-This book is relative short read like The
Four Agreements it breaks down the spiritual, cultural and
historical dimensions of relationships from an Egyptian/
African perspective. This is one of the best books I’ve ever
read on the subject of relationships.
5. The Seat Of the Soul by Gary Zukav- This excellent
read breaks down all of the six senses. Also pay close
attention to the chapter on Relationships and the term
Spiritual Partnership.’
6. Unconditional Love by Ken Keyes. In this book you
will learn what the term Unconditional Love really means
and how to practice it in your daily life.
7. Handbook to Higher Consciousness also by Ken Keyes-
The higher dimensions of consciousness are brilliantly
broken down in this book.
8. The Power Passion and Pain of Black Love by Jawanza
Kunjufu –The name of this book pretty much explains this
well thought out work. This is a crucial read to understand
some of the deeper dynamics of relationships between
black men and women.
*When you are done reading those books, begin
reading the books below:
9. A Course in Miracles by The Foundation For Inner
Peace- This is a spiritual book with Christian overlays, but
it’s universal in spiritual dimensions. It takes over a year
to read but it’s worth it and will change your thoughts
immensely not only about religion and spirituality, but life
itself.
10. The Science Of The Mind by Ernest Holmes-If A
Course in Miracles is a bit too heavy for you then this book
written over 70 years will suffice. It has many excellent
insights and new ways to look at Jesus and his teachings.
195
There are also an infinite amount of books of different

spiritual, cultural, social and political thought that should
also be read and studied but the books in this list are a
great start. Again if you read all of these books (with an
open mind and heart) as well as incorporate the three
previous three points of the one year plan your whole life
and perspective on things will change and for the better.
However, these books are only the beginning of an infinite
journey to knowledge, empowerment and self-discovery.
Most of all you need to know that you are NOT
powerless in anything that you are or do, as long as ALL
of your actions are geared toward love, your own growth,
empowerment, and evolution.
Remember as Jesus said: the Kingdom of Heaven is
within this plan and these books will help you find both
peace and personal knowledge and power.
196
WHY LOVE
ESCAPED YOU
IT’S NOT PERSONAL
If you take NOTHING else from all that you’ve read this
far, remember that if you’re single or in a bad relationship,
IT IS NOT PERSONAL! The very few of us who are in
relatively happy and healthy relationships are extremely
fortunate, rare and (if I believed in luck I would call it that
too!). But even those fortunate few; live in the same world
as you and I, and they too have to struggle to keep their
relationship alive and well. The truth is that the dynamics
have already been set in place for us to fail in relationships.
This process began hundreds of years ago before we were
brought to these shores. We’ve had someone else tell us
what happiness is, how to go about finding love and even
how marriage should work.
Before in most of Africa there were stable and
family friendly cultures but many of these institutions
were obliterated each time they were invaded and the
subjugated cultures and systems were usually destroyed
or diminished. Be it the Greeks, Romans Arabs, or the
numerous several Europeans nations, each of which brought
197
it’s interpretations of everything from what is God, culture,

and love, to what should be male and female roles in society.
Their views on family values, courtship, sex, relationships,
and ultimately marriage were unhealthy, inappropriate and
often destructive. Their foreign interpretations often served
to bring wealth and power to their nations at the expense of
the civilizations that they conquered and the results remain
across the Diaspora and with us to this very day.
Before we can even think about dating, and much
less love, we must change our individual and collective
state of affairs. This starts with us clearing out our minds
through study of this history and how it affects our present
circumstances.
As some of you now know, the latest statistics show
that over 50% of women now live without a husband or
mate and for African-American and Latino women the
numbers are even higher with only around 30% of Black
Women being married. This is significant and tragic for our
children. Yet this is also the information age and we need
not look further than ourselves when our children begin to
act out and ultimately fail in life, it is because we have not
prepared ourselves or them for the truth.
But still NO lie can live forever!
When we know the truth we need not fear or despair,
NO! To the contrary for the truth is simply this: what we
face are mere obstacles that can be overcome through
introspection, organization, study, practice, patience, love,
and yes confrontation. I believe will win and this book is
the beginning of my contribution to our eventual victory.
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DEAR SUMUMBA
Dear Sumumba,
I’m a sistah living in California. Brothers here seem
to have lost interest in us Black women, in fact they avoid
eye contact as if we are about to jump their bones. I find
this sad, because sometimes I’m just happy to see one of
my own and just want to say hey and keep moving. But
because many of them over here are with the Asian chicks
or white ones which isokay, but could they still acknowledge
a sistah. Geez! I guess that was venting.
Now on to my question, I agree with you about the club
scene not being the best environment to meet someone. But
for sisters who work 8hr -12hr a day, the entire week, time
to meet people in between is limited. I think online dating
for us sisters is a lost cause. The bar thing also seems to
attract the wrong crowd. How are we to meet brothers
then? Do you have any ideas?
Smith , California
199
Hey Smith,
I think a good place to meet brothers would be
places that you find interesting, places that stretch your
imagination and comfort level and also match some
of your own values (hopefully you already attend such
events). Such places that I recommend would be museums,
music concerts; intellectual artistic/cultural events, singles
ministry meetings through churches are all good places
to meet a brother. Book and poetry readings/signings are
good places as well.
I say this because places like these are where you are
more inclined to think and share thoughts. They are also
well lit places, which are pluses when meeting and starting
conversations. I can think of other places as well, but any
event where you have to think and share thoughts is a good
place to meet brothers.
Dear Sumumba,
Can two people trust when the trust is gone?
Sistah from the Chi
Dear SFTC,
Interesting question, I would say that anything and
anyone can change and at any time, but first let’s remember
that all relationships begin with ourselves. You need to
ask yourself what trust means in terms of respect and the
relationship. Has trust been broken to the extent that there
is no respect on either of your parts?
Trust can always be lost, but regained if both people
feel the relationship is important enough to be salvaged. A
recommended book (that’s listed in the one year plan) to
read would be THE SEAT OF THE SOUL by Gary Zukav.
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Dear Sumumba
Look for the meaning of Spiritual Partnership. Such a

partnership breaks down and illuminates what a healthy
relationship is and takes.
Remember to Trust yourself and know what it is that
you want and value in a relationship, if your partner can
not grow into someone who’s trustworthy and respectful
then don’t waste your time on trying to build or rebuild a
relationship with him.
Dear Sumumba,
I met a man about 3 years ago on the web and we got
along great. For three months straight we talked several
times a day, and about 3 weeks into the relationship he
talked about coming to see me. When it was time to come
visit, he told me that he had spoke to his father about me
and that he found out that he might be moving too fast but
since what we had was too special to rush it, he wanted to
reschedule this trip. I understood and it felt good to hear
that I seem to be someone different that might be that one
in his life. About 2 months later I stopped hearing from
him, and then a few days after that he emailed me to say
that he found that I had called him when I knew he was at
work.
Well I didn’t and I wouldn’t. I am not a jealous type nor
would I be checking on any man. Anyway since then we
have been in and out of our relationship, with the last time
being 4 months ago. I guess my question is: Is this brother
playing games and really has no desire to meet me? Or like
many of my girlfriends say, he’s probably not the person in
the pictures that I think he is. After all this time I still have
strong feelings for him and I know he cares for me....
Princess with a hole in her heart , Ohio
201
Well PWAHIHH,
I think it’s sweet and TRULY old-school that he went
to his father for advice about you, but it makes me wonder
why he needs approval or even consultation from his father
just for you two to simply meet. I can see if you met and
then a little later he introduced you to his dad and THEN
got his impressions from his dad about you, but hell you
two haven’t even met!
This sounds like game! Internet love/dating is a trip
and then some (trust me I KNOW). If he can’t make time
to come meet you, YET still gets upset because of a alleged
call, but then isn’t even man enough to call you and talk
to you about right then and there, because he is upset and
then on top of all that, needs his father’s approval just to
meet you, he’s not worth it.
You can keep it on the internet-email level and be
friends but until you meet him, keep it right there. If he
were truly willing to meet you, (bottom line, no matter
what daddy says), he would make arrangements. Since he
has not met up with you and all this time has passed, he
probably has moved on to someone else online or maybe
in real life.
Honestly, what I got from this situation is that you don’t
even seem sure about this brother, and from what you have
told me here he is FAR from sure about you. If so, you never
really had this brother in the first place, so the reality is you
can’t really miss what you never had.
Dear Sumumba,
I’ve worked hard to recover from a divorce and to
reestablish a life, meaning that I have one; a life that I am
very proud to say is functioning in a positive and healthy
way. Kind of like the six million dollar man, who has been
rebuilt to be stronger, faster and better. So now that I have
202
Dear Sumumba
activities in my life that I enjoy, going to school, raising a

child, having a career that I love and work hard at. I hear
men say they are not interested, because “I am too busy” for
them. I laugh because I know that I give 100% to everything
I do and they see that. Tell me this: Why wouldn’t a MAN
see that he too would get 100%? Some insight on this would
be appreciated. I have asked other male (friends) and they
don’t see anything wrong with a woman that has her life
going on! What do you think?
Sincerely,
A career diva, student diva, domestic goddess diva,
mommy diva and most importantly spiritual diva
Well ACDSDDGDMDS,
I wrote about some of the things that you’ve mentioned
here in the chapter The Busy Sistah. I don’t doubt that you
are all the things that you’ve mentioned above but I wonder
how you are balancing all of that and staying sane. In any
case, as much as I do applaud you, I must ask this as well:
do you throw all that you do and are in a man’s face? If so it
could be pretty overwhelming to him, but it doesn’t mean
that he’s necessarily intimidated by you. It could be that he
wonders how you can do and be all those things and still
have time for him. That would probably be my first thought
if I were one of the guys you come across. But again it’s all
in how you present your life to them.
I’m also well aware of the insecure men out there
whose own life is so 9-5 and rudimentary, that they think
you should be at their beck and call. But, if they had a
strong sense of career, purpose and passion for what they
did as well as you, they should be able to understand why
you are working hard and striving to be all you can. A
mature, evolving and inwardly secure man would definitely
203
appreciate a woman who, as you says: has her life going on,
and those who don’t, oh well! He’s probably not on your
page or worth your time.
Don’t make his issue yours or a reflection upon all or
even most men. He’s actually doing you a favor by saying
in essence that he can’t hang, nor appreciates you and all
you do.
Dear Sumumba,
Can a relationship be re-established once one person
moves and the other gets engaged, but then the two people
get back in contact and still love each other?
Sistah From The Chi
Dear SFTC,
I would say absolutely YES! Any relationship can still
go on no matter what the status of the ex; HOWEVER,
there are NEW RULES that have to come into effect. The
first and foremost being RESPECT of the ex’s impending
marriage and that means EVERYTHING is on the UP AND
UP, the fiancé knows you and there is no DL stuff going on.
Your love for the ex must also move away from the romantic
and idealistic and there can be NO CHANCE of you two
sparking up what you once had.
We need to learn how to respect our fellow brothers
and sisters who are engaged, involved and married, if for
nothing else, the KARMA of what you do to one will almost
assuredly be done to you.....
So again as long as everything is on the up and up and
everyone knows the situation I don’t see a problem with
continuing to be someone’s friend.
204
Dear Sumumba
Dear Sumumba ,
This brother recently told me I would be perfect if only
I had a G-UNIT booty, now what do I do??
Sistah in South Jersey
Well SISJ,
Tell this brother to go and try to get on the set of a G-
UNIT video and get him a woman with a trademark ass,
no…. but seriously if the brother doesn’t apologize or hasn’t
by now, let him go because he’s already disrespected you.
If you wish, you could probably come back with a :‘well
if you ONLY had a body like 50 Cent’ or you would be
perfect if you got shot 9 times , but don’t even waste your
time, apparently the brother is caught up in the on those
rented video models featured on rap videos. If that’s what
he considers attractive in and of itself, it only shows his
own immaturity and how caught up and shallow he is. Any
brother that says that , does not have a FULL and HEALTHY
respect for women, much less ladies.’
When he wants to rekindle the relationship but still
lives with someone else…
Dear Sumumba,
I would like your input on a situation. I was involved in
a relationship a year ago with this guy and at some point,
it just abruptly ended, no calls, no nothing... I was hurt but
moved on....6 months later he called me, we talked, and a
month later I found out he was living with this female “he
supposed to have met only a few months ago,” but I know
different. Now he wants things to go back to the way they
were a year ago with him and I…I’m confused because I still
really love this man and can’t get into a new relationship
because I still have love for this one...I want to know...Is
it a good thing to start over and give a brother a second
205
chance.....or just let it go because it may happen again.

Sincerely,
Confused Southern Sistah
Well CSS,
I don’t see why you are confused, He lives with someone
else and it’s a female who’s NOT a blood relative. Three
words: Let him go! Any man who lives with a woman yet
says he wants to come back to you has his priorities screwed
up. First off all he should NOT be living with another
woman and I don’t care if it is a financial agreement. How
come you had to find that out for yourself? Why wasn’t he
man enough to tell you?
Now don’t get this twisted I’m not against some men
for legitimate reasons even living with their mothers if it’s
temporary and they are planning and working on BIGGER
things. But a man living with another woman is a no-no if
he used to romantically deal with her.
It is a potentially dangerous situation from both a
physical and emotional standpoint to all involved as well.
Let him leave that living situation and heal from the entire
episode first and THEN, see what his life plan is. Ask him
where he wants to be 5-10 years from now and how you fit
into that time span.
That conversation should be very telling as to where
his is head is and what kind of future you two may have
together. Until all those steps have been taken by him
emotionally detach yourself from him if he steps to you
in the future let him step correct and with a clean slate
BEFORE you give it any consideration.
206
Dear Sumumba
Dear Sumumba,
I have a question for you and I think you would give me
an honest answer.
I was dating this guy for over eight years and I basically
let him do what he wanted to do. Our relationship was
great, I thought. But later when I found out that he was
seeing another girl our relationship ended. He stated we
did not communicate enough and she did.
After about a year after, he calls me on the phone for a
chat. Most of the conversation was about his relationship
with his girl. She was not me, and wasn’t doing what
I used to do. Basically, she had him locked down. Our
conversation went well and we laughed and I really enjoyed
our talk. We also chatted about his career, goals, and music
plans. During the years that we were together have had
many chats, but he talks to me more now than when we
were in a relationship.
My question is: How come he can talk to me now about
everything but couldn’t before. I have always been open-
minded and was never judgmental of him or his thoughts.
Confused sistah in VA
Well CSIVA,
This brother probably feels he can talk more freely to
you now because he thinks you may not have all of those
emotions that you had when you two were in a relationship.
He now feels more freely to speak in because whatever he
says won’t come back to bite him at a later date.
We men know that like God, a woman’s memory is
omnipotent and omnipresent. This guy now sees you just
as a friend and that’s it. However that’s not necessarily a
bad thing, in fact hopefully you two can learn and grow
together without the cloud of sex and emotions confusing
207
and stunting that growth.

Don’t be confused, it is what it is and you two have a
nice communication and friendship going on. You can and
probably should ask him why he feels he can be so open
with you now though, maybe he just had communication
issues then or maybe it was harder to communicate with
you then. You may be surprised if his answers tell you more
about yourself than him.
Dear Sumumba,
I am an attractive, 34-year-old woman and I’ve been
single for about 2 years. I’m ready to get back into the world
of dating and am seeking advice on how to approach men.
Often I see men that I find attractive, but I’m usually too
nervous to approach them. How should I go about doing
this? What do you think most men would respond to?
Should I offer my phone number and leave the ball in their
court? Or, just wait for them to ask for my number?
Sincerely,
Nervous from Maryland
Well NFM,
I think subtlety is the key here as well as balance. For
safety reasons (at best) there should only be an exchange of
cell phone numbers. Call me old-fashioned, but a woman
who will just give me her number without asking for mine
will make me think she does this ALL the time or that she
is THAT hard up for me to call.
However, some of us do like when women show interest
right from the start, because we too are tired of all the dating
games going on. Hopefully wherever you meet this man
will be at a place of mutual interest. It could be a museum,
special event or occasion. This in itself may indicate that
you may have something in common and to chat about.
208
Dear Sumumba
If there’s a mental connection there, then there should

be an exchange of contact information, it doesn’t have to be
cell phone either it could be just e-mail addresses. But still,
I say let a man be a man and ask you first! If he wants to
stay in touch he will say so and do just that!
Why men have a hard time expressing their TRUE
intentions
My question is: Why do men have such a hard time
being honest about their true feelings? I mean I would
rather you say: Hey mami you got some big breasts can I
suck em as opposed to “I’m looking for a wife, I want to
settle down” but what you really mean is the former, you
know what I mean??
NIKKI J from Syracuse, NY
Well Darling Nikki J,

I’ve said it many times (including in this book) that far
too many males work at love to get sex. These guys just don’t
realize that if we are straight up we just might get exactly
what we really want if we just told the truth). But we figure
if we spice it up some with the wifey or love allusions, our
chances of getting sex are much better. It’s pathetic on the
male’s part but remember you too play a role in this game.
If you have suspicions about his TRUE intentions but
you wouldn’t mind a little fun yourself, then tell him he
doesn’t have to play at love just to get sex. But remember
that casual sex is not the healthiest or most wise thing to
do. Even if it’s protected/safer sex emotions and feelings
can get twisted and that’s rarely a good thing.
So the rule here is: It’s never ONLY what a male says,
but it’s what he says and then does! His actions merely
reflect his character and values. At the end of the day all
of those things (character, values and action’s) are what you
209
should be checking for when dealing with him.

Why men never miss what they have until it’s gone
Dear Sumumba,
Have you noticed or heard that men realize years later
after they had a good woman, try to return to the scene?
What is your take on this? As you know I’m stating this
from experience. Last year I had three encounters from
three different men that I dated 5-13 years ago, who either
showed up at my door or have written me letters.
Sincerely,
Sistah In Arkansas.....
Hey SIA,
Well it could be many reasons why they decided to
reach and holla back. It indeed could be their realization
that you were the right woman for them. Perhaps they have
grown up a bit since last dealing with you and now realize
what a good woman you were to and for them.
Another scenario could be that these men just don’t
want to have to deal with the drama of who they been
dealing with (since) you. In either case or others, you should
find out (from a safe distance) via e-mail from a safe phone,
where their mind is and what life path they are on now.
And while you are at it make sure you know where you
were then and are now, and also where you want to go in
the future.
If they are legit and all the things they say check out,
and if they now shares the same values as you, perhaps
you may want to consider them, but take your time. If he
wants make up the time quick by getting the relationship
restarted and/or he pushes up for sex, you should probably
leave them alone.
210
Dear Sumumba
Why it’s hard for young black men to pick up

responsibility for their children
Dear Sumumba,
I have a question. Why does it seem so hard for young
black men to pick up the responsibility of the children
they father and help promote a better family image for our
community? Why is it that these same men go on and have
multiple kids with multiple women although they cannot/
don’t support the children they already have?
Sincerely,
Queen of the Nile
Peace QOFTN,
Well I know many of us don’t want to hear this, but this
trend goes back to slavery, when black men were forced to
breed children to keep the supply of slaves in large numbers
for their masters. Such breeding practices were consciously
and subconsciously passed down from generations even
after slavery as we lost major parts or our cultures from
Africa.
If you add the economic and social factors to the mix
that came with the enslaving and colonizing forces and
ideology of White Supremacy and you have men, women
AND children who are now cut off from their own humanity
and lost.
Because we have not us not reclaimed and recommitted
to things that worked for us before we arrived here and
you have the formula for destructive and dysfunctional
relations between men women and their children. No
longer do we know about the process of cultural evolution,
spiritual development nor responsible sexual development
and relations between the sexes.
211
There are no longer clear roles for father and husband

hood. Gone are the rites of passage we were required to go
through to become a man, get married and build a family
and nation. Add disenfranchisement, sharecropping, Jim
Crow, institutional racism and a market economy built that
largely shuts out our young men and a educational system
that doesn’t support their development or enfranchisement
into the economy and slavery isn’t something ended in
1865.
It’s no longer about family or raising children for some
of us, it’s about surviving. The misappropriation of sexual
relations and relationships between both black men and
women is almost a given under these circumstances. It’s
not an excuse for the behavior but these are some of the
reasons for it.
These relations or lack thereof have had devastating
effects on our children as well as our women. But it’s because
of these shackles of slavery that we still around, we now
think that sex is just something (we do on instinct) and
not for a higher purpose that connects us to our children,
family and community.
Dear Sumumba,
I recently met this brother online; he “claimed” he
wanted to get to know me. After several e-mails and talks
and upon finally setting up to meet with me, he blows me
off. He is professional person and given his profession, you
would think he’d know better. Now I also met this other
brother, who is a not professional person, but after several
e-mails and calls, was also down with meeting me. We did
and it was great. What I really gave non professional brother
props for was the way in which he showed his interest. He
engaged me in a manner that “felt like” -‘I want to get to
know you and find you interesting’--. Plus (the clincher)
212
Dear Sumumba
with non professional brother, was if he was busy (and I

am sure he was at times) unlike professional brother, he
was savvy enough to not let me know that. Cause what
woman wants to know she happens to be some arbitrary
distraction?
I have since moved on and become clear about whom
I want to get to know. I am down to earth woman and I
have no problems taking my time to get to know a man,
especially when that same brother treats me like he wants
to get to know me.
My question is. Why do some men who claim there are
no good woman out here or feel some woman don’t possess
enough self esteem to take their time to get know a woman,
why do these same men “act flaky” and don’t realize they
must STOP and make time to fit in a quality sistah? I’m not
sweatin professional dude. I’m just wondering why some
brothers can be so doggone obtuse as to why THEY are
alone?
Sincerely,
Are You Kidding Me in Michigan
UMMM AYKIM,
I hate to quote the guy who wrote the book, but
professional brother just isn’t into you. You said so much
here but I guess what I want to know is why (or) do you
think that professional brother is any more evolved or
ready for a relationship, or even understands what a healthy
one is? It seems that unprofessional brother should have
made you forget about the dude. It doesn’t sound like he
did and who you really want is professional brother, if so
then you have some potentially bigger issues going on.
Bottom line is this: One’s profession has NOTHING to do
with their relationship readiness or even understanding of
213
relationships.
Dear Sumumba:
Just curious...How long have you been in New York and
why do you feel that all NY sisters are a bit cynical?
Sincerely,
Concerned Sistah in New York
Well CSINY,
I have been here close to 9 years now, but I also have
lived in California, Missouri and Louisiana with some
summers and Christmas breaks spent in Missouri, Texas
and Oklahoma. I can tell you that in all my travels and dating
in those places, that cynicism is everywhere. Although the
dating games going on here are a bit more sophisticated
(perhaps just because of the size and complexity of the city)
they are still games nonetheless.
New York women can be a bit harsh and if you ask any
brother who has lived or been elsewhere for any amount
of time, most likely he will tell you the same thing. I’m not
saying all, I’m not saying most, but I’ve found many women
in this city with very unhealthy attitudes about men and
walk around here with the screw face or try their best to
avoid even making eye contact with a brother. I just find all
of that as very negative energy not to mention a huge turn-
off. I speak on this all the time, yet, I’m still hopeful and not
giving up on our ladies here.
Dear Sumumba,
I was talking to this brother and he told me that I
was nice and sweet but I was not someone that a brother
dates!!!!! What does that mean? What type of sisters do
brothers want nowadays?
Sincerely,
214
Dear Sumumba
UP NORTH BLACK WOMAN

Well UNBW,
I think it’s VERY important that you understand the
source and time that we exist in right now, and no matter
what anyone says about anything to you- many times IT’S
NOT ABOUT YOU! Many of us tend to walk around with
a host of illusions in our heads and many of these lies are
based on media, culture, history and just plain ignorance!
NO sane Blackman who’s based and rooted in our
history or culture would say something so ignorant. But
one of the problems of the times that we live in is that there
are not enough brothers who have been taught to respect
and know our history as a people, as well as the struggles
of both black men and women in loving, respecting and
building with each other. Ignore him and anyone else who
echoes his words. ( To answer your last question see What
Brothers Want’-in this book ).
What it means when he browses your profile on a
dating website but never responds
Dear Sumumba,
I’m on this dating website right? And this same guy
continues to browse my profile but NEVER speaks what
does that mean?
Sistah in the Village.
Well SITV,
It means either he is just browsing at will or he’s a
little shy, the latter of which I SERIOUSLY doubt, hell it’s
the internet not a club or the streets......If he were TRULY
feeling you he would speak! And if he is that shy online,
DO YOU REALLY THINK he’s worth your time?? Let him
man up and speak if not, hey easy come easy go.
215
Dear Sumumba,
I have questions for you and maybe you will be honest
enough to give me some insight. Last month I was dating
a guy from a singles website, in the beginning he would
constantly e-mail and call. But I was trying to take things
slow. On the second meeting/date, he wanted to kiss and
hug and I wasn’t ready for all that. Anyway, he stated that
my guards were up too high, and suggested I lower them.
So I’m like okay maybe I will relax a little. We had an
understanding (so I thought) that we would only date each
other.
Since then I found myself calling him more and he only
called to return my calls once. This made feel me uneasy.
Also (he) could never really set a time and place for more
dates. Since this little episode I’ve erased his numbers and
started dating myself :-), seeing that I’m an only child it’s
not that hard. My question is: Why do some guys do this,
and at 36 years old shouldn’t the games over? Or am I over
reacting? I know guys want to do the chasing, and this is
what I was trying to do in the beginning until he told me
that my guards were up too high. It was weird, and then I
find myself chasing him.
My friends tell me to go on with my life, and he will
eventually, call. This sounds like more games.
What is your opinion on this matter?
I know I’m a little rusty (not being involved with anyone
since 2000) but my goodness.
Sincerely,
SISTAH from Texas
Whew SFT!
You brought back some memories and boy can I relate
216
Dear Sumumba
to the brother , yeah when I was like………24 that is ! But at

36? I think you answered your own question. At that age his
dating games should be over. His pawing of you and kissing
you all over shows that he is NOT mature or evolved.
A little secret that you and other women need to know
about us is this: WHEN WE ARE TRULY INTERESTED
AND I MEAN (TRULY) INTERESTED IN SETTLING
DOWN OR EVEN TRULY GETTING TO KNOW YOU, WE
DON’T PUSH UP ON YOU FOR SEX!!
When our interest is truly sparked we know sex will
come eventually and our TRUE interest in you will make
us curious enough to explore all the other beautiful things
that you have to offer. It takes a man (who has committed
himself to continual growth) to be about this though and
sometimes he’s hard to find, but he is out there. In the
meantime you make sure you have something to offer that
will spark that interest. If all he sees is your breasts or
behind upon meeting you there’s a chance that is what he’ll
focus on.
Dear Sumumba,
Ok so today I reached my fair share of precisely how
much bullshit TK is willing to take for the year 2006. I’m
generally a pretty laid back kinda gal, but I have just about
had it. I’m 31 damn it and I tried to do the right thing by
waiting for a good man to be NOT just my “baby daddy,”
but also my husband. BUT this biological clock is ticking
way too loudly in my ear. AND....these got dam ass men
just do NOT want to act right.
I know I can be picky, but all I want is a God fearing
man who is gainfully employed (which equates to financial
stability), respectful, honorable, educated, faithful, drug
free with good morals and ethics who has good hygiene
and is at least 5’10” with a nice athletic physique. Is that
217
REALLY too much to ask?? OR is it me??? Hmmm..

And so with my absolute refusal to put up with it any
more and right now I’m pondering the question, “How
much easier would it be (and less drama) to just go down
to the local sperm bank and make a withdrawal?” That
way I’m not emotionally bound to any man. Right now I’m
comparing the advantages and disadvantages. What do you
think?
T.K.
Dear T.K.
Besides doing the One Year Plan and reading this book,
I would also suggest that you just slow your role. thirty-one
is still relatively young and your clock is not ticking. You
want a quality man and you are doing just fine sis, now there
are many strategies you can use before jumping back into
a relationship. But first and foremost it looks like closure
and healing needs to take place. It sounds like you are a
bit bitter about your previous relationships and if that’s the
case you missed whole point of relationships and that’s for
you to improve as a person and grow! No matter how bad
your past relationships or dating has been, be thankful for
the lessons!
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Avoiding the

AVOIDING THE DATING GAMES: HOW TO SPOT A POTENTIAL

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Relationship. However, back then, I was still hampered by the

Still, my lack of confidence, spurred on by the failure to

As you read, you will digest snapshots of my dating

Like William Shakespeare, I have also learned that life

Since graduating from college in 1994, I have been back

I am challenging the many women who say there are not

October 17, 1972

The timing couldn’t have been worse because around

to grow with Raina and relationship with Tonya started

When Lisa changed schools the next year, I was

It didn’t exactly start out this way as I spent my

we all lived in a racist and segregated state that fiscally

A few days later, I was standing in front of the school’s

dumped for him, but since he had a reputation for breaking

often dreamed of these two beauties. Paula was tall and

as bad as some of the other cats on the yard—particularly

As my involvement with campus and community

the bus in the summer of 1983. Our disastrous attempt at

out, up and down motions, Pam, joined me in my thrusting

It seems like the man with the highest profile, coolest

more I dated the more it seemed like wanting those things

I left California for good, moving back to my birthplace,

forced her to move on. In her words, “I had a life before

had always dreamed about and plastered the model of the

My sister seemed to know everyone in New York,

”Seldom, any splendid story is wholly true.”

At the end of the poem, I listed my e-mail address and

Needing some relief from that steam room of a club, I

the night was seeing Asmara’s engaging and captivating

forty-five-minute to an hour’s drive. In fact, Gun Hill Road

actual date was to take place a few days before I was to

What made me decide to ignore all the alarms? Well

July holiday. Officially, its main attractions are the free

seminars that took place in the convention center during

flirting non-stop, things seemed perfect but by night’s end

tends to pine for ex boyfriends or otherwise unavailable

candles. I tried not to eat too much, because I knew what

How ironic, I thought, that Pat would regurgitate

Most people, who know me, and certainly those at

On the way back to the club I wondered exactly what

Slightly disappointed about that and the fact I was

much in common. At this time, I was getting more and more

Like the time I mentioned something about unconditional

As much as I wanted to stay in my shell I couldn’t pass

To keep my sanity I rationalized that God must be

untitled and slow

I’ll await to exhale

soft and mellow

Thankfully, when intermission finally arrived, I was

“I wasn’t particularly interested in cultivating a meaningful

Since we were both jazz fans what better place than an

Sometimes it’s a combination of all those things.

seems to have gotten his act together, this in fact was

May 23, 2005

She didn’t have to be perfect just someone on the

sex. I think this relationship revealed the importance of

in Georgia. She said she was basically a Southern girl at

bare, especially now that it is summer where it seems even