Chapter 4

Revising and Proofreading

Business Messages

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-1

 Revising and Proofreading

• Revising: Improving content and

sentence structure. May
involve adding, cutting,
recasting.
• Proofreading: Correcting grammar,
spelling, punctuation,
format, and mechanics.

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-2

 Concise Wording

Revise your messages to eliminate wordiness.

Instead of this: Try this:

We are of the opinion that We think
Please feel free to Please
In addition to the above Also
At this point in time Now
Despite the fact that Although

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-3

 Wordy Prepositional Phrases

Instead of this: Try this:

We don’t as a general We don’t generally cash
rule cash personal personal checks.
checks.
Students in very few Students seldom receive
instances receive parking parking tickets.
tickets.
She calls meetings on a She calls monthly
monthly basis. meetings.

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-4

 Long Lead-Ins

Instead of this: Try this:

This memo is to inform All employees meet
you that all employees today.
meet today.
I am writing this letter to Thanks to everyone who
say thanks to everyone voted.
who voted.

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-5

 Outdated Expressions

Outdated: Modern:
as per your request at your request
pursuant to your request at your request
attached hereunto attached
under separate cover separately

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-6

 Needless Adverbs

To sound more credible and to streamline your

writing, avoid excessive use of adverbs such as
definitely, quite, really, actually, and so forth.
Instead of this: Try this:
The manager is actually The manager is pleased
quite pleased with your with your proposal
proposal because the because the plan is
plan is definitely workable.
workable.

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-7

 Fillers

Revise sentences to avoid fillers such as there

and it when used merely to take up space.

Instead of this: Try this:

There are two employees Two employees should
who should be be promoted.
promoted.
It was Lisa and Jeff who Lisa and Jeff were
were singled out. singled out.

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-8

 Try Your Skill

Revise the following sentence to avoid a

long lead-in, wordy prepositional phrases,
outdated expressions, needless adverbs,
fillers, and/or other forms of wordiness.
• This e-mail message is to inform you that in all
probability we will actually finish in two weeks.
We will probably finish in two weeks.

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-9

 Try Your Skill

Revise the following sentence to avoid a

long lead-in, wordy prepositional phrases,
outdated expressions, needless adverbs,
fillers, and/or other forms of wordiness.
• There are many brokers who are quite certain
that these stocks are completely safe.
Many brokers are certain that these stocks are
safe.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-10
 Try Your Skill

Revise the following sentence to avoid a

long lead-in, wordy prepositional phrases,
outdated expressions, needless adverbs,
fillers, and/or other forms of wordiness.
• Pursuant to your request, there are two contracts
that are attached hereto.
As you requested, two contracts are attached.

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-11

 Try Your Skill

Revise the following sentence to avoid a

long lead-in, wordy prepositional phrases,
outdated expressions, needless adverbs,
fillers, and/or other forms of wordiness.
• All employees are hereby informed that as a
general rule computers may not be used for
personal activities.
Generally, employees may not use computers for
personal activities.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-12
 Redundant Words

Avoid unnecessarily repetitious words. What

words could be omitted in these expressions?
advance warning necessary requisite
close proximity new beginning
exactly identical past history
filled to capacity refer back
final outcome thought and consideration

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-13

 Jargon

Avoid technical terms and special terminology that

readers would not recognize.
Computer jargon: Alternative language:
queue list of documents waiting
to be printed
export transfer data from one
program to another
bandwidth Internet capacity
Is jargon ever permissible?

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-14

 Slang

Avoid slang (informal expressions with arbitrary

or extravagantly changed meanings).
to bag on to tease, to nag, to complain
clueless unaware, naïve
turkey someone stupid or silly
chill/chill out relax

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-15

 Clichés

Avoid clichés (overused expressions). Substitute

more precise words.
Last but not least, you Finally, you should work
should keep your nose to diligently.
the grindstone.
We had reached the end We could go no further.
of our rope.

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-16

 Try Your Skill

Revise the following sentence to avoid

slang, clichés, and redundancies.
• Last but not least, the attorney referred back to
an exactly identical case.
Finally, the attorney referred to an identical case.

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-17

 Try Your Skill

Revise the following sentence to avoid

slang, clichés, and redundancies.
• With a little advance warning, we could have sold
out before our stocks tanked.
With warning, we could have sold out before our
stocks hit bottom.

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-18

 Try Your Skill

Revise the following sentence to avoid

slang, clichés, and redundancies.
• Ms. Miller, who shoots straight from the
shoulder, demanded final completion by January
1.
Ms. Miller, who is straightforward, demanded
completion by January 1.

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-19

 Precise Verbs

• Revise your writing to include precise verbs

instead of general, lackluster, all-purpose ones.
Market researchers said that profits would improve.
What more precise verbs could replace said?
Market researchers forecasted improved profits.
Market researchers promised improved profits.
Market researchers predicted improved profits.

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-20

 Precise Verbs

• Revise verbs that have been converted to

nouns.
The manager came to the realization that
telecommuting made sense.
The manager realized that telecommuting made
sense.
An application must be made by the job seeker.
The job seeker must apply.

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-21

 Precise Verbs

• TIP: Look for words ending in tion or

ment. Could they be more efficiently
and forcefully converted to verbs?

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-22

 Try Your Skill

Revise the following sentence using more

precise verbs.
• The seller said he would contact you.
The seller promised to e-mail [telephone or fax]
you.

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-23

 Try Your Skill

Revise the following sentence centering

the action in a verb.
• We must give encouragement to our team.
We must encourage our team.

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-24

 Try Your Skill

Revise the following sentence centering

the action in a verb.
• Have you made an application for employment?
Have you applied for employment?

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-25

 Try Your Skill

Revise the following sentence centering

the action in a verb.
• A duty of the general manager is the calculation
of monthly sales.
The general manager calculates monthly sales.

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-26

 Try Your Skill

Revise the following sentence centering

the action in a verb.
• The establishment of new methods was effected
by Kevin.
Kevin established new methods.

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-27

 Concrete Nouns

Revise your writing to include specific,

concrete nouns instead of general, abstract
ones.
The man asked for a raise.
Jeff Jones asked for a 10 percent salary increase.

An employee presented a proposal.

Kelly Keeler, production manager, presented a plan to
stagger hours.

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-28

 Vivid Adjectives

Revise your writing to include descriptive,

dynamic adjectives instead of overworked, all-
purpose ones.
The report was good.
The report was persuasive (or detailed, original,
thorough, painstaking, complete, comprehensive).

The report was bad.

(Possible revisions?)

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-29

What to Watch for in Proofreading

Spelling
Grammar
Punctuation
Names and numbers
Format

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-30

 How to Proofread Complex
Documents

• Allow adequate time.

• Print a copy, preferably double-spaced.
• Be prepared to find errors.
• Read once for meaning and once for
grammar/mechanics.
• Reduce your reading speed.

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-31

 How to Proofread Complex
Documents

For documents that must be perfect:

• Have someone read aloud the original while
someone else checks the printout.
• Spell names.
• Spell difficult words.
• Note capitalization.
• Note punctuation.

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-32

 End

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-33