1

Getting Out-of-My-Box

Heather M. Ivie Borgholthaus

FAML 220 / Parenting

Department of Home and Family, BYU-Idaho

Sister Shannon Harris
 2

Think of a family member in which your heart is at peace. Why do you think your heart is

at peace with them and what indicators do you notice?

The first person who comes to my mind would be my younger brother, Byron. We used

to fight even physically as children, but I think we both mellowed out by the time we were

adults. I started to be a lot nicer to him when I was becoming a teenager because I think my mind

was beginning to understand that I need to give my younger brother space and it wasn’t worth

fighting over whether he wanted to watch “Power Rangers” over what I wanted to watch

“Beverly Hill 92010”. Which now looking back, he might have had the better choice.

Also, we both come to realize that we were dealing with mental health problems. He was

diagnosed with having bipolar and I had depression. We both sought professional treatment and

medication and it has made a huge impact in both of our lives. We are each other’s support

because we understand each other and know the other person is going through a rough time and

may need a bit of understanding. I love my brother and I am so happy to have him in my life. It’s

been a neat experience becoming an aunt to his son and daughter. I have a close relationship with

them and well as his wife. I hope to adopt children around their ages, so they can have some

cousins they can play with and have a long-lasting friendship.

Think of a family member in which your heart is at war. Which box(es) are you in toward

them? And what indicators do you notice?

The person that comes to my mind is my younger sister, Sondra. It is such a shame

because there were times in our lives, we were close friends, but I think she will never forgive

me for being mean to her when we were children. My sister and I are only 9 months and 3 weeks

apart (Irish Twins) is the term. Which is kind of funny, considering we have a strong Irish
 3

heritage from our mother’s side of the family. Must-be-seen-as is the box I see her in. She

always wanted to be better at anything I was decent at. She became jealous when I had

boyfriends as a teen, and she didn’t.

As I mentioned before that my brother and I had mental health issues, my sister also has

been afflicted with them. The difference is she doesn’t think that anything is wrong with her

even though she was also diagnosed with bipolarism like our brother, and she has

hypothyroidism like I do. She doesn’t take any medication and she has wild mood swings

because of it. It grieves my heart and I have cried so many times over our estrangement. I pray

for her often and would like her to seek help and be the sister and friend that I know she could

be.

Think of the same family member in which your heart was previously at war. How can you

offer an out-of-the-box space for them?

My sister still as far as I know doesn’t like me and has told my parents she doesn’t want

to hear about me. That hurts deep in my soul and most of the time I try not thinking about our

estrangement and her hatred for me. I have sent her flowers on her birthday and Christmas

presents to her and her children. She has accepted the gifts, which was nice but it hasn’t

improved our relationship. I have prayed many times for her heart to be soften but my mom says

because she suffers from mental illness, not to expect a miraculous change. My mom says I

should continue to pray for her but to leave her alone and hopefully she will come around and

hopefully get professional help for her mental illness.

 4

What sacrifice might you need to make in order to create this space?

I don’t know, if I knew I would already have done it. I miss my sister so much; it hurts

me deeply and I don’t know if I will ever get over her not loving me. I still love her. I think just

giving her space and time may help her. I have done all I can in trying to repair our relationship.

One time when she physically assaulted me and the police was called, I didn’t press charges

against her even though I had visible wounds on my legs from her digging her nails into them.

My mom asked me not to even though I was well in my right. She doesn’t have a record of

assault because I showed mercy on her when she physically attacked me. She is able to get any

job because of the lack of a record so I would say that was a sacrifice I made for her. I have

asked her to forgive me on how I treated her in the past but she won’t show me the same mercy.