Getting Out-of-My-Box 1

Getting Out-of-My-Box

Tiffany Hartley

Brigham Young University - Idaho

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Step 1: Notice the Indications of the Box

Think of a family member in which your heart is at peace. Why do you think your heart is

at peace with them and what internal indicators do you notice in yourself?

In my family I have noticed that I tend to be out of the box towards my younger brother

Elliott. We get along really well. I would say that I’m out of the box with him because I have a

lot of patience with him and have taken the time to lift and help him whenever he’s needed

something. I see him as a person and we have a lot of fun together. Some of the internal

indicators that I have seen is that I don’t get frustrated with him. I see him as a person and take

the time to listen to him and to help him when he needs it. I also trust in him more than some of

my other siblings and parents. I generally feel happy and calm when I am around him.

Think of a family member with whom your heart may be at war. Which box(es) are you in

toward them? And what internal indicators do you notice in yourself?

In my family I have noticed that I tend to be in the box towards my mom. I tend to think

of her more as an object than a person. With her, I tend to be in the I-deserve box and the need-

to-be-seen-as box. I tend to be in the I-deserve box because I look at what I have been able to do

compared to what my mom can do. I see that I am doing her job and I should deserve to be

praised and loved. I fall into the need-to-be-seen-as box because I want to show her that I am

capable of taking care of myself and that I am a good person. I have noticed that I tend to get

frustrated easily and have a hard time talking to her. I am a little judgmental of her. I think this is

mostly because there have been a lot of times where I have been hurt and have a hard time letting

go of what happened and haven’t accepted yet that she couldn’t control the situation and feels

bad for what happened.

Step 2: Find Out-of-the-Box Space

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Think of the same family member in which your heart was previously at war. How can you

offer and out-of-the-box space for them?

I can help strengthen the relationship with my mom by creating the out-of-the-box space

for her. I can try not to be judgmental and recognize that she goes through so much more than I

do. I can help her to feel calm and show her that I love her. One of the hardest things that I would

have to do is to rebuild trust knowing that I will probably be hurt again in the future. I have to let

go of my fears and focus on helping my mom.

What sacrifice might you need to make in order to create this space?

I would have to sacrifice my time and allow myself to be hurt knowing that it is not

intentional. I would have to make sure that I genuinely love her and not just be saying that

because it’s what I am supposed to do to be seen as a good person.  

Step 3: Ponder the Situation Anew

What are this person's (or people's) challenges, trials, burdens, and pains? 

My mom struggles with Bi-polar disorder with schizophrenic like symptoms. I know she

has a lot on her plate that she deals with every day. She also struggles because most of her

siblings have diverse disorders as well and are constantly fighting against each other most of the

time involving lawsuits. She also struggles doing any house hold chores and feels like she is a

bad mother because she can’t do it. She also struggles forgiving herself for things she has done in

the past and moving on from some of her schizophrenic thoughts.

How am I or others I associate with adding to these challenges, trial, burdens, and pains?

I add to the problem because my mom feels that I don’t love her because I don’t like to

have long conversations with her. They tend to be really negative and are hurtful. I have a hard

time being in the less than box with my older sister because she has found a way to have a good
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relationship with my mom and avoid the negative conversations. I sometimes struggle with the

the relationship with my sister because of it. Most of the time my mom comes to me for advice

and asks me what I think of her recent thoughts. I have a really hard time with it which has added

to her struggles because I haven’t been there for her like I should.

In what ways have I or other with whom I associate, neglected or mistreated this person?

I have mistreated my mom by not helping her the way that I should. There have been

several other people outside of my family that have hurt her as well especially her own siblings. I

have been neglecting her needs and pushing them off to my dad because he is much better at

helping her than I am.

In what ways are my better-than, I-deserve, worse-than, and need-to-be-seen-as boxes

obscuring the truth about this person and myself and interfering with potential solutions?

These boxes aren’t helping me to have a good self-esteem or have a good view of what

my mom is actually going through. By being in the need-to-be-seen-as box and the i-deserve box

I am focusing more on myself and avoiding the problems that my mom faces. By being in the

less-than box it has lowered my self-esteem and I don’t feel as capable to help others as I would

like to.

What am I feeling I should do for this person? What could I do to help?

I would really like to strengthen the relationship with my mom and be able to help her in

the way that she needs. I could focus on what things I am good at doing and build up my self-

esteem and look for ways that I can help. I can also try to avoid being in the other boxes to be

able to see the situation clearly.

Step 4: Act— Do What You Are Feeling to Do

What I did?
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For Mother’s Day I went over to my sister’s house and we made a skirt for my mom. It was

made out of a material that she picked out when she was younger. Her mom made her a dress out

of the fabric and has grown out of it. I also spent most of the weekend just having small

conversations and taking the time to ask her how she was doing and listening to what she had to

say.

Why I did it?

I made the skirt because I knew it was a way that I could spend time with my sister and also to

try to get out of the boxes that I have with her. We decided that by making the skirt out a fabric

she chose when she was younger would help her to remember some of the good memories she

had as a child and have something to remember her mom by. I decided to talk to her and check

up on her because I figured it was a small way to start getting into a better relationship with her. I

could work little by little to build up trust with her.

What was the result?

My mom really loved the skirt that we made for her. I was also able to see my sister in a different

light and hear some of her worries and struggles that she has had with my mom. From talking to

her, I have been able to not have as much fear towards talking to her. I was able to have small

conversations and we even went to the store together today.

What impact did it had on me?

This had an impact on me by helping me to realize that all of my siblings have a part in helping

my mom. I was able to see some of the needs that my mom had and saw how different family

members were able to help her. I also was able to see some of the ways that I had been helping

my mom without even realizing it.